Archive of Our Own

When Pah first asked Tae to go skydiving with him, he was serious about it. He wanted to spend time with his friend; having to witness this heartbroken side of Tae was making him feel overprotective of him and now, it was his chance to cheer him up. Unfortunately, he quickly found out that with a splint on his arm, this kind of activity was prohibited. Still wanting to do something fun with his friend, he looked up online what he was able to do with his arm in this condition, and that was how he found the greatest idea of all time: karaoke.

Tae was not a karaoke guy, Pah knew that much—but singing the sadness away usually worked, and if not, well, Pah could entertain him and attempt to earn a smile from him, a feature he dearly missed. He missed hearing Tae’s laugh too, the storm clouding his face being painful to witness as someone who cared for him. Tae was reluctant at first, but Pah managed to drag him there, and now after a drink Tae is much more willing to let his sorrow out.

“Come on, Tae! What do you want to sing? My voice is all hoarse from singing non-stop these past twenty minutes!”

“I don’t like singing, you know that…”

“Let it all out, man! You’ll feel much better after that, I promise you. Hell, I’ll even sing with you if you want. So, what do you want to sing?”

“Pah, I don’t know—”

“Come on, it’ll be fun! All the pain that you have here,” he points at Tae’s heart, “you need to let it out, somehow, or it’s gonna eat you from the inside like right now. You can, I won’t judge you. It’s what friends are for, hm? Okay, how about this one?”

Picking a popular upbeat song to get Tae to stop moping, he handles his friend a microphone and starts singing, even if it hurts his vocal chords—for Tae, he’d do anything. Tae takes another sip of the alcoholic drink they just bought and joins him. Grudgingly, but, really, Pah understands. He gives his all to encourage Tae to let himself go as well. The alcohol pumping in his veins is helping and barely half an hour later, Tae has begun to sing heartbreak songs as Pah watches with a conflicted heart. He couldn’t be more proud of his friend for bringing his walls down, but seeing him so in pain after everything that has unfolded lately—it hurts. Pah hurts for his friend. He’s past all the anger after his recent conversation with Bamhee, though remnants of it stick deep inside. If he was the one dating Tae, Tae would never be miserable like this, pale as a ghost with eyes full of anguish, eyes that Pah hates to look at now because all he can see is resignation, like he accepted that life goes on and he’s been left behind. If he was the one dating Tae, Tae’s overworking tendencies would be no issue for him. Tae would be a happy man if Pah was the one he was in love with. These thoughts haunt him but he makes nothing of them and smiles anyway, holding on to the thought that Tae will get better; all he can do in the meantime is be here for his friend.

He joins his friend through break-up duets, their singing mostly off-key or mixed with shouts. When Pah wakes up with a sore throat the next day, all he can think is that it was worth it and he would do it over and over again just to see the hint of a smile appear on Tae’s face, the kind he was lucky to witness last night after singing Frozen’s ‘Let It Go’ (along with a silly choreography, of course.)

Tae’s words from last night echo in the back of his mind on the way to Good Pick and throughout the day. “You know what the hardest part is?” Tae confessed, tipsy as they left the karaoke. “The dinners. Having to eat alone at an empty apartment… I’m not hungry anymore. And having no one to wake up in the morning—it’s constant. I feel so alone.” He pretended not to see Tae turn away to wipe away the tears peeking in the corner of his eyes out of sympathy.

Pah cannot say he understands entirely because he’s never been in a relationship, but he does get the feeling of being alone. When he left his quiet hometown for the commotion of the crowded capital, he had to find a place to live—something affordable, much smaller than he was used to as the cost of living is higher in the city. The reality of living on his own, not with his family anymore, in such a smaller place, was definitely a thing he had to get used to. He misses them a lot, but he cannot really afford the back and forth trips to visit them, or only on very special occasions. Therefore, Pah knows the hardship of living alone when it’s contrary to your habits. He wants to ask Tae if he wants company for dinner tonight, and maybe most nights after this one, too. Is he too clingy? The thought crosses his mind, but he shakes it off. It’s odd that he is worrying about being overly present for a friend; it’s a first, for sure.

“Tae, hey, are you done for the day? How about we go grab dinner?”

“Oh? Yeah, yeah, sure,” Tae replies, a look of surprise in his face, but Pah can tell he is thankful for the invitation.

They go to the noodles place on the way to Tae’s. Pah cannot stop the chuckle escaping his mouth when Tae looks like he is loving his noodles, eating them eagerly as if he hasn’t eaten in days. Cute, he thinks. Then, the possibility that Tae has not genuinely eaten for a long time begins to torment him, and he immediately orders a second bowl for his friend.

It seems neither of them really wants to go—go back home and back to their lonely apartments with only their own shadows as company. They stay until closing time, until they’re the only ones left inside the restaurant and the waiter is not so discreetly asking them to leave.

It’s raining.

It’s raining, and it’s nearly midnight, and soon Pah might be running after a taxi to get home if he doesn’t hurry.

He doesn’t want to leave, though. His gaze is on Tae’s, who seems to be harboring similar thoughts—or maybe not, Pah just likes to think he knows him well.

“I should—”

“Do you—” They say at the same time, and Tae shakes his head. “Sorry. You go on.”

“I should get back.” He should, but he doesn’t want to. His brain is urging him to stay. “I can’t bike home because of this,” he shows his splint. “I need to take public transportation, and I live at the other side of the city. What were you saying?”

“Do you want to sleep over? Might be more convenient. That way we can also go to the company together tomorrow.”

That way I won’t have to sleep alone, he doesn’t say, but the unspoken words linger in the air between them. They both know the truth. Pah doesn’t want to leave him, either, to be honest.

“Oh, great! Thank you man,” a hand on Tae’s shoulder is placed, then the two walk quickly to Tae’s, trying to avoid the night rainfall.

“I’ll bring you a blanket. I hope the couch will do… I only have a single bed. Bamhee and I had to squish up…” The silence that follows is deafening, and this defeated expression of his leaves an uncomfortable feeling burning in Pah’s stomach. It pains him to see these eyes once full of love now deprived of their usual light. If Tae doesn’t have anyone to take care of him when he’s too depressed to do it himself, Pah will make sure to do it and get him back on his feet, at all cost.

“The couch is good,” he replies, interrupting Tae’s train of thoughts. “I can even sleep on the floor. Don’t worry about me.”

He can see a faint smile on Tae’s face. If him acting silly is what brings some light into Tae’s days, then he’ll do it more often.

“…Anyway, there’s a spare toothbrush and there should be everything you need, towels and all if you need a shower, but tell me if you need anything else. Oh, and I’ll prepare spare clothes for you, you can just take mine.”

“Thank you for letting me crash in.”

Thank you for allowing me to keep you company.

“It’s been a while since anyone came here. It’s… nice. Good night, Pah.”

Sleep doesn’t come, and Pah tosses and turns on the couch. Tae is in his bedroom, but Pah is finding hard to resist the urge to come knock and ask if he’s asleep yet. He wants to be here for Tae. He is already doing everything he can, but somehow, he wants to do more; to ensure Tae doesn’t feel so lonely anymore, to make this apartment feel lively again.

Pah finds that Tae smells like lemon—his laundry detergent, without a doubt. Still, the scent of the shirt he borrowed is comforting, and he wonders if Bamhee noticed it when they were still dating. He find himself circling back to their failed relationship. He knows he was too hard on Bamhee, but he wasn’t in his right mind. Tae matters too much to him, and watching it unfold made it harder not to take a stance. The only things he knows about their relationship is what he’s been able to witness and what Tae has told him, which means he’s biased, he is well aware of it. He knows now, that Bamhee was also hurting and struggling and it seems these two were too different to make it work. But Pah wishes Tae knew it’s not all his fault it didn’t work; he wishes Tae knew he’s not hard to love, they just weren’t meant to be. One day, someone is going to come along and love him right and show him that he’s enough.

The sound of the storm roaring outside makes him startle and curl up into the blanket. He hates storms, always has. It’s tough to withstand without his sister by his side, but he’s had to adapt. Now, though, he knows he isn’t alone in here, and the urge to see Tae quickly becomes overwhelming.

It’s the sound of thunder rumbling that drives Pah out of bed and right to the door of Tae’s room. He knocks softly, not daring to wake him up. “Tae,” he says quietly, “are you awake?”

“Hm. Do you need anything?”

“Actually… can I come in?”

At Tae’s green light, he enters the room, where Tae is lying in bed and wide awake, eyes staring at the ceiling. “I can’t sleep,” Tae says.

“Me either. I’m… not the biggest fan of storms, actually. Can I stay until it calms down?” There’s something vulnerable in his voice, albeit not blatant enough to get noticed.

“Sure, I don’t mind.”

Droplets of rain cascade down the window, mirroring Tae’s sour mood. Pah sits cross-legged on the floor, blanket firmly wrapped around his body. The sound of the rain colliding with the glass leaves him with shivers, and he keeps his gaze on his friend to distract himself. “Storms are loud and unpredictable,” he starts ranting. “Sometimes they destroy houses, entire crops, or even make trees collapse… My mother got hurt one day when she was still outside during the storm. She’s okay now but… I think it stuck with me. It’s silly, I know, but I can’t help it.”

Though Tae has just turned on the bedside lamp, the lightning remains dim and Pah can barely make out Tae’s face, adding to that his growing drowsiness. There’s something glowing in Tae’s iris, hidden behind the melancholy, as he replies, “It’s not silly, we all have our fears, you know. For what it’s worth, you’re safe here. This building won’t crumble down that easily.”

“Thanks, Tae. It’s easier to tolerate it with someone’s company. Thank you,” he whispers, as if ashamed of opening up. Late night conversations are often the ones most vulnerable; there’s something in them that pushes one toward confession, something that draws two beings closer. It’s like words are being poured out without his consent, but once they are out from the corners of his mind, he feels better. He feels closer to Tae than before, too.

“You’re my friend. Don’t mention it, it’s normal.”

Pah tells Tae about his childhood in the countryside while Tae listens, Pah’s voice a barrier from the unpleasant thoughts plaguing him. It’s a relief when he hears Tae softly snoring; yet, instead of leaving, he lay on the floor next to his friend’s bed and lets sleep overtake him.

The pleasant smell of boiled eggs fills Tae’s nostrils as he stretches out. He doesn’t feel as tired for the first time in days; he slept well, even. Pah’s company has healing properties or what, he thinks. Then comes a knock and Pah’s face appears from the ajar door, bright as ever. “Hello there. Breakfast is ready, come eat!”

“Huh? So this is what I’m smelling… you made breakfast?”

“Sure did. I borrowed your kitchen and ingredients, though, sorry about that.”

“It’s... nice of you. I’m not that hungry.”

Tae’s traitorous stomach gurgles as if on cue. “Okay, maybe a little,” he concedes, and Pah drags him to the kitchen table where soft boiled egg shots immediately attract his eyes. Although they don’t talk about it, both are thankful for the comforting presence. If Pah is smiling on the way to the company wearing Tae’s clothes, then it’s only his business and no one else’s.

They eat in each other’s company more often, after that. It’s not rare that Pah sleeps over to Tae’s and cooks him breakfast in the morning. There’s a warmth spreading in his stomach every time they’re spending time together, but he thinks nothing of it and moves on with his day.

Tae starts taking up even more space in Pah’s mind, and Pah finds himself constantly worried about his whereabouts, worried that he’s not taking good care of himself. Tae is a constant in his mind, to the point that he is unable to think about anything else but him. Whenever they’re apart, he wishes to be back by his side; these unusual thoughts bother him, but still, he doesn’t think much of them.

“I can’t stop thinking about Tae,” he ends up ranting to Pie. “We’ve been spending a lot of time together lately, you know. I wanna be here for him in these hard times. Sometimes, I’m just at home and suddenly I want to be back next to him, he really is my best friend, huh… It’s normal to be worried like this after what he’s gone through. It’s just… to be honest I keep thinking that I’d treat him the right way—”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Like if I were the one dating him, I’d treat him right, I know I would. I know I’d treat him better than she did. Not to hate on Bamhee, these two weren’t meant to be anyway but it’s just so frustrating, you know? I know I’d treat him well. I wish he knew he’s not hard to love, not at all.”

Pie is sending him a weird look that Pah fails to interpret.

“Wow, Pah,” She exclaims, eyes glinting in amusement. “When did you fall in love with him?”

“I—excuse me?”

“What you’re saying… it seems like you have a crush. You like Tae, don’t you?”

Pah’s world comes crashing down on him. His glass of juice drops to the floor and he finds himself speechless, unable to accept the words. There is simply no way he likes Tae. No, it cannot be. He’s overprotective because he cares about his friend in a totally platonic way, nothing less, nothing more. The assumption leaves him disconcerted, and he shakes his head with force, ensuring Pie is not getting the wrong idea. “I don’t like him that way,” he scolds as if she’s a child who just did something stupid, “are you insane? He’s my best friend, I’m just worried about him.”

“Sure, I don’t believe you. You said yourself that you’d treat him better! If that isn’t a proof that you want to date him…”

“I don’t like Tae. I can’t. And male friendships exist, you know.”

“Well then, friend, let me show you my recently made checklist: seven signs to tell if you are in love. Here.”

She hands him her phone and he looks at the list with wide eyes. “First,” he reads, “You will like looking at him secretly. Even when he isn’t doing anything, you’ll find him interesting… what is this? I definitely don’t feel that way!”

“If you say so,” she attempts to take her phone back, but Pah puts it out of her reach, still reading.

“This list is nonsense! Have you even had a crush before?”

“I have not, but I’m an acute observer. You’re just oblivious.”

The frown on his face is stuck here for the rest of the day. He does not have a crush on his friend. Can’t men have male friends anymore? All he does is sigh distractedly, the list blocking other thoughts from entering his mind. It doesn’t help that he notices the top of Tae’s curly black hair from the other side of the room and stares at him for a good ten minutes, as if he was the only one in here. He wonders if Tae has eaten lunch yet, if he needs some coffee to get through the day. Pah can bring him some.

No. two: you will want to do something good for him even though he didn’t ask you to.

Pah swallows, the list taunting him. Maybe he should buy these snacks Tae cannot get enough of instead, just to see him smile.

No. three: you will pay more attention to him and think about what his favorite things are.

He stares at Tae painfully, failing to ignore this stupid list and how he somehow relates to it. Coincidences, he convinces himself, these are just simple coincidences.

Tae still has dark rings under his eyes, Pah can see them. They’re not as visible as they once there but still; Pah is worried, he always is. The thought of blaming Bamhee crosses his mind for an instant, and he hates himself for it. They quenched the flames already, and Pah doesn’t feel unfair rage toward her anymore. A boiling hot and overwhelming fire burns deep inside, though, different from usual but as intense. It hurts to imagine Tae and Bamhee together. Because he knows how unhappy they were—because he knows he’d make him happier. Imagining Tae with all his attention on Bamhee, while Pah is forgotten in the background—it feels wrong. Sheepishly, his gaze falls to the ground. His friend is heartbroken and he is here acting selfish…

No. four: you will be furious if you see him paying more attention to someone else.

Why won’t this list leave him alone once and for all? Why is Tae taking such an important place in his life, in a way than all his friends aren’t? There’s an answer, but he doesn’t like it. He refuses to consider the possibility.

Tae looks tired and lonely, and Pah is itching to keep him company. Should he go up to him and ask for a coffee break together? He suddenly feels nervous at the idea that he is coming off too strong and being overly clingy.

No. five: if you get moody, nervous and anxious about him, it means that you are sixty percent into him.

He shakes his head to force the commotion in his mind to quieten, to make the list disappear. He doesn’t even want to think of number six, because he knows he’s been acting irrational ever since the break up, such as sleeping on the floor regularly just to be with Tae throughout the night… and the thought that Pie might be right after all terrifies him. Him liking Tae romantically would have disastrous consequences.

“Tae!” he ends up calling. “Do you want to get coffee?” Tae turns toward the voice, and the cloud that darkened his face is immediately traded for sunshine at the sight of his friend. Pah makes his way to him, and nearly trips twice, forgetting that there are indeed other people in the room aside from Tae.

And last: no matter how many people you are surrounded with, your eyes will only see him.

He finds himself face to face with Tae, and face to face with his now addressed feelings. Face to face with the undeniable but hard truth.

Tae is scanning him with curious eyes, not used to seeing his talkative friend so quiet, and Pah… Pah is having an epiphany.

He likes Tae, and even worse, he’s fallen for him, hard.

Tae should never find out.

“Everything okay? You seem off,” Tae asks.

“Oh, I’m fine, don’t worry, just a little tired. Let’s get coffee, huh?”

Their coffee break is unusually quiet. Pah cannot find it in himself to start random chatter, and instead gazes at the man he is so painfully in love with. His best friend, who will never love him back, and whose friendship with will be ruined should he ever find out. All his strong feelings in regard to Tae, that he could never point out before… It all makes sense now. He wants him to be treated right… and he wants himself to be the one to do it.

“Seriously, what’s up with you? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you be more quiet than me.”

“I’m okay, Tae. Just worried about you. How are you holding up?”

Tae shrugs. “I don’t know. I feel like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel… but you make it better.”

Pah reciprocates Tae’s hint of a smile with a wide one. “I’ll always be there for you. You’re my best friend.”

“Thank you, man.”

It’s harder after that to spend time with Tae. Pah finds himself looking forward to their plans and the thought that he might be taking advantage of the situation clings on to him like a parasite, so he cautiously tries to ensure none of Tae’s boundaries are being crossed, that he is solely being a good friend to him. Tae seems to be getting slowly better, and Pah is here every step of the way.

The news hit Tae like a ton of bricks, though he should’ve known it was coming. Pah witnesses Tae overhearing Bamhee calling Judy her girlfriend, and to Tae, it’s like he is back to square one; like all his progress is gone. Pah follows Tae to a quiet corner and lets his devastated friend pull him into a tight hug, looking for the familiar comfort of Pah’s presence. Pah understands both sides, but still, his friend’s sorrow feels similar to a hammer crushing him. What a cruel feeling, to witness the one you love get heartbroken; what a cruel twist of fate to witness it and be unable to make it better, like a powerless bystander. How fair is it that Tae was the one who saw his girlfriend kiss someone else on their anniversary and that he is the one still hurting? Pah hates when his love for Tae makes him become so overprotective; he hates that he’s still sometimes putting the blame on Bamhee, when he knows now more of the reasons why it happened and understands more her side of things. He and Bamhee still don’t talk much, but it’s not because of her—it’s because he is always with Tae, and Tae is still avoiding her.

He knows that what he can do to help, as his friend, is stay with him, let him drink his worries away for a night, safe under the dim light of Tae’s living room. That night, Tae falls asleep on Pah’s shoulder, cheeks flushed from the drinks, and Pah tucks him to bed gently. He sleeps on the couch to give Tae some space but gets little sleep, plagued by a feeling of helplessness.

The internship comes to an end a month later. It’s bittersweet, but they all have their own paths to follow now. The hardest goodbye may be to Pie, who is flying to the other side of the country for a new project. Ryan is staying in Bangkok, so it might be easier to meet again. As for Tae… internship or not, Pah won’t give up on him. It becomes harder, of course, to squeeze in time to meet, but the two manage to eat dinner together a couple of days each week, even if it means having to stay over at Tae’s and feeling his heartbeat accelerate due to their proximity.

Not having to see his ex every day does wonders to Tae’s mental health, and for the first time, he feels like he might be closer to healing. Of course, the first few months are an ordeal, but after that it does get easier. Pah being a constant in Tae’s life helps him a lot—happiness is not so out of reach any longer, not when there’s happiness in the little moments, such as a meal with Pah, which always leave him with a smile on his face.

Days feel longer for Pah, now that Tae is not in his sight in the morning, or with coffee breaks spent alone; his own apartment feels lonelier now that he has the experience of a place brightened up by Tae’s presence, a place so full of life. And gradually, Tae recovers from his heart sickness, although both know it’ll impact his future relationships for a long time. The veil that forced all light out is lifted, and at last, Tae is able to feel the sun’s warmth on his skin—he is able to feel alive again. He doesn’t wake up with a pit in his stomach anymore, dreading the upcoming day.

Pah notices it, because of course he does. They still hang out whenever they can, in between tedious university work and Pah’s part time job at the noodles place he and Tae often go to. He got a job there recently, and if he’s being honest, he doesn’t really dislike it—especially when Tae comes to visit him.

He falls more deeply in love with his best friend every passing second, but he’s learned to live with it. It’s a welcoming kind of ache to see Tae grinning and feel such a strong love for the man, so intense that it hurts. His friend has come a long way and a wave of pride overtakes him.

“There’s no way I’m getting on this,” Tae is pointing at the thrill attraction in front of them. The duo has gone to the amusement park for the day and is now eating ice cream.

“You’d really let me go alone?” Pah replies with his pleading voice of his, the one that always convinces Tae.

“I hate it when you use that voice. You know I can’t say no to you.”

“So you’ll come?”

“Bad idea after having a whole ice cream but okay… if I throw up I’m blaming you.”

“Deal.”

Pah gets to discover more of Tae’s caring side, the one that makes it so hard not to fall in love even more.

“Hey, Pah, just wanted to check up on you, I saw the storm outside. Can I be of any help? How are you feeling?” Tae video calls his friend, whom he knows is stuck in his small apartment as the wind is blowing furiously against the branches outside. Tae can hear the relentless pounding of the rain against the glass, and feels for his friend; he knows how much he hates this weather.

“Better now that you’ve called,” Pah admits. Both of them are lying in bed, and the call feels strangely domestic. Tae keeps him company on the phone until Pah falls asleep on call, therefore unfortunately missing Tae’s little laugh as he looks endearingly at his asleep friend.

The internship ended a year ago now, and though Pah hasn’t heard much from Pie, he knows Ryan and his P’Jane are in a loving relationship—sometimes, he wishes he and Tae could be too, but he quickly shuts this thought off. His feelings remain one-sided, he is sure of that, and there is no universe in which he’ll risk confessing and ruining the precious friendship they have nurtured.

They’re watching a movie on Tae’s couch, some rom-com to unwind, and Pah is hyperaware of their knees grazing against each other. Being close to Tae is doing a lot of damage to his lovesick heart; he feels dizzy from the near touch. He wills himself to calm down so as not do something he might regret later. Except Tae’s knee is suddenly coming in full contact with his, and it’s like all air has been sucked out of his lungs. Is Tae aware of what he is doing to his friend? Surely not, and Pah needs to stop with this wishful thinking of his. Tae will never like him back, he has come to terms with that fact. The issue is that his traitorous heart won’t let it go, and he finds himself staring at the man he loves in spite of himself, movie long forgotten. All he can hear is the furious ba-dump of his heart, so loud he fears it might burst.

What he does not expect is Tae to be staring right back at him, though their faces are barely discernible in the dimly-lit room, and there’s a glimmer in these eyes of his that Pah doesn’t recognize. Joining Pah’s frenzy heartbeat is Tae’s loud breath, and Pah—Pah is confused. Tae’s hand comes to rest on his jaw as he draws closer. It’s all happening in slow-motion, yet, Pah cannot make sense of the act; he’s also shortening the gap separating them, attracted to the magnetic field of Tae’s lips like a magnet.

And then, Tae is kissing him, soft and hesitant. Pah’s brain short-circuits; all he can do is kiss back clumsily, not believing that such a dream-like moment is real. The kiss is short, yet long enough for Pah to go into panic-mode. He’s ruined their friendship, hasn’t he?

“Tae,” he gulps with difficulty, “I’m so sorry for what I just did—it wasn’t—”

“Well, I’m not.”

Pah frowns, not grasping the unexpected words. “I—what?”

“I’m not sorry for kissing you. I wanted to,” Tae confesses resolutely, though there’s a hint of vulnerability noticeable in the tone.

Pah is unable to reply. Tae didn’t want to kiss him, why would he?

“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” Tae resumes, as Pah’s silence makes him feel nervous. “You look so tense. We can stay friends and pretend it didn’t happen, don’t stress too—”

“No.”

Tae blinks once. Twice. “Huh?”

“Why? Why did you kiss me, Tae? Why would you do that?”

The desperation in Pah’s voice feels like a slap in the face.

“I told you, I wanted to. I kinda figured you felt the same, but it’s fine that you don’t, let’s just forget about it. Okay?”

I kinda figured you felt the same. Pah wants to believes the words but he knows hope too often leads to disappointment. He must have misunderstood. “The same? What do you mean?”

Tae takes a deep breath, his hand finding Pah’s in the near darkness, the one resting on his knee. “I like you, idiot, in case you haven’t figured. I don’t know how or why or when it started but it did, and I don’t know what to do with all these feelings. I’m not used to being so open about how I feel, but I wanted to try for once. You’ve changed me, Pah, you made me feel like myself again. I don’t think I can live without you.” The last sentence is barely a whisper, as if afraid of ending the moment with such a deep statement. Pah receives Tae’s smile, the kind that’s for him and him alone, and he can do nothing except stare back with glistening eyes. The silence is ear-splitting, though, and Tae’s face is closer to sadness than the joy it’s been displaying before. “Sorry. I… I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. Guess I just want to be honest with you. You deserve the truth. I’m sorry, you know. I never meant for it to happen.”

Pah finally finds the strength to answer, heart racing. “Are you playing with me?”

“What? No, of course not, I mean what I said. I’m bisexual by the way, so yeah.”

It’s then that it hits Pah—Tae kissed him, for he likes him in a romantic way. None of it is a dream or a far-fetched fantasy. He squeezes back the hand holding his, and he can see the faint hint of hope in Tae’s gaze. “Tae…” He calls with a quivering voice. “I’m so head over heels for you I don’t know what to do with myself, I’m serious. I never thought you’d like me back. I’ve loved you for more than a year and I was content with being your friend. I’ve been dying to tell you but I couldn’t, you were still dealing with the break up when I found out about how I felt. But—it feels unreal that I somehow managed to have you like me back.”

Tae’s heavy breath echoes in the room. In his eyes, a thousand different emotions are reflected and Pah could swear they’re shining with unshed tears, though it might just be the darkness playing tricks on him. He holds the hand in his tightly as emotional support, while Tae is biting his lips, seemingly suppressing a sob. He lets out softly, “How could you love me? I’m such a mess, I… I mean, you’ve seen me.”

“How could I not love you? I swear, Tae, you’re not hard to love. It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done, and I’ll do it over and over again. I won’t give up on you. Even in hard moments, especially not in hard moments. You’ll always have me. As a friend, or as anything that you want.”

He hopes Tae believes it, because Pah truly means it.

“I… Pah, do you think we could make this work, you and I?” Tae asks.

“Like a relationship?”

“Yeah, I mean, only if it’s also what you want. I’m scared to get into another one… but you make it worth the risk. I’m learning to communicate more, you know. Somehow I still feel like I haven’t healed from some things… I’m not perfect, Pah, far from that. I’ll make mistakes. I want to warn you beforehand.”

“Tae, I don’t care about all that. I know how hard you’ve been trying. I can’t heal for you, but I can be there for you. I’m also far from perfect, I mean, look at me? I’m clingy and overprotective, I talk too much… I’ll make mistakes too. But to be with you, Tae… it’s everything I’ve ever wanted.”

“Okay, then,” Tae is beaming, eyes crinkling in happiness through the lens of his glasses, and Pah mirrors the gesture as he feels true bliss warming up his insides.

“All I’ll ask, Pah, is for you to be honest with me, please… let me know if you want to end things, I’d rather find out through you than someone else,” Tae’s voice is shaking as he says it, while Pah feels his heart break right before him, flashbacks of that fateful night rushing through him like venom.

“I promise, Tae. I’ll treat you well. I’ll take good care of you. To see you happy is what matters the most to me.”

This seems to convince Tae, who grins and nods quickly. “Hmm… For the record, I don’t think you talk too much, I like listening to you. Now come here, boyfriend, I want to kiss you again.”

And Pah is only human, so he does.

Neither knows how the movie ended.

______________

Dating Tae is a life-changing experience for Pah. He who thought he was smitten before, it has now become ten times worse. He wakes up with a grin plastered on his face every day and sends Tae good morning texts, and it’s embarrassing how gone he is for his now boyfriend. (The reminder that they are boyfriends leaves him giddy every time.) He comes over to Tae’s to surprise him with breakfast whenever he’s able to, and though he does feel like he might be too clingy at times, Tae’s radiant smile each time he sees him at the door keeps him from going astray. He doesn’t know which is the best part; he has a soft spot for Tae’s smile, and knowing he is the one responsible for it. He also loves the kisses, both the ones that leave him feeling feverish and the ones gentle and sweet that scream ‘I love you.’ He loves the meals spent in each other’s company, the talks, the dates, he loves it all. He loves getting to wake up next to Tae after sleeping side by side, a luxury he hadn’t been granted before.

He spoils his boyfriend probably more than he should, but he does so because he wants to treat him right—the way he deserves. It’s only fair because Tae spoils him as much, and oh, Pah adores Tae’s sweet side that he gets to see all the time now.

Tae is editing at his desk when he hears it—the low roaring of an upcoming storm, confirmed by the thunder striking. It’s only just started raining, but he knows it’s not long before it turns into a full-blown downpour. Pah is still showering, but Tae keeps peeking at the bathroom door, waiting for him to come back. When he finally does, he takes one look at the weather outside before curling up in a blanket in bed. He isn’t expecting his boyfriend to join him, Tae is aware. Pah knows the importance of Tae’s work, his overworking tendencies; and doesn’t hold him accountable for it. But to Tae, no amount of work is more important than his scared boyfriend, so he shuts his laptop off for the night and changes into simple boxers and a tee shirt, before sliding into bed and under the blanket with him with only their heads peeking out.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he whispers, hands stroking Pah’s hair. He feels his boyfriend relax under his touch, then turn to face him.

“I thought you were working,” Pah’s eyes are full of surprise.

“Hmm, but I’ll resume my work tomorrow. I’d rather be with you right now. Work can wait.”

“Wow, so it’s possible for my hardworking boyfriend to stop all work on his own without someone having to tell him? I’m shocked,” he teases.

“What can I say… it’s the Pah effect.”

Pah’s laugh fills the room and he breaches the gap between their lips. His hands easily find Tae’s curly black hair, which he loves to play with. The strand of hair he begins winding around his index makes Tae kiss him harder, to Pah’s utmost delight. Tae’s leg is pressed against his own, it’s all perfect and—the sound of thunder rumbling makes him jump. He immediately snuggles against his boyfriend’s chest, where he will be safe.

“Pah, are you alright?”

“I will be with you here… for now I just want to sleep and forget about this damn storm. Will you hold me to sleep?”

“Hmm,” Tae began to press kisses against the top of Pah’s head, one arm wrapped around him like some sort of protection.

Of course, dating has its hard moments too; the ones that put a couple through the mill and see if they’re strong enough to make it out. Relationships take work, being with the right person is often not enough. It helps that Pah knows what his boyfriend has been through. Whenever Tae gets insecure, he offers him needed reassurance. An evening in particular finds Tae in a miserable condition, oppressed by severe anxiety. They haven’t seen each other in days due to Pah working on the other side of the country on a project, and the weight of Pah’s absence is slowly crushing him. He trusts him like no other, and yet, the overthinking is consuming him from the inside out, convincing him that Pah intends to break up with him. It dawns on him that he’s having a panic attack. They remain rare, but sometimes they leave him breathless and heart nearly bursting out of his chest. He hates having them when Pah is not around, because it’s harder to calm down on his own. He tries to remember what he learned—taking one breath after another and holding it before exhaling. He needs something to ground him, an object that helps him focus on his physical surroundings. His eyes find the frame sitting on his nightstand, a picture of Pah and him taken on their aquarium date. He takes it, the touch being somehow comforting, and breathes as slowly as he can.

It takes a while for it to stop. Even when most of it is over, the lingering panic remains. It’s that same plaguing panic that leads him to video call Pah, phone shaking in his hands.

“Hey,” Pah accepts the call immediately, smiling until he sees Tae’s distressing expression. “Everything okay?”

Tae feels shame burning his cheeks; he’s always scared that Pah thinks it comes from a place of mistrust rather than irrational fear. “You’re not going to break up with me… are you?”

“Oh, Tae, is it that bad today? I’m not, you know I love you. Hold on for a bit, hm? I’m on the way, it shouldn’t take long.”

“On the way?”

“Hmm, I was going to surprise you. Wait for me, okay? I’m bringing dinner.”

“Oh.” A smile appears on Tae’s face, the formerly steady fear now retreating to the deep corners of his mind, relief flooding through him. “Okay. See you later, love you.”

“Love you too, bye!”

His gaze is riveted to the front door, sparks glistening in his eyes lit by newfound zeal—lit by love.

“Pah,” he exclaims when the man in question appears in his field of vision, lips instantly curled up in a wide smile, the eye-wrinkling kind.

“Tae, hi, I missed you,” Pah replies, dropping his bag on the nearest table and rushing to his boyfriend and into a grounding hug, the kind that pulls Tae ashore it times of strong current, when the whirl of life threatens to drown him.

Pah breathes in Tae’s scent, the familiar lemon tickling his nostrils. It’s faint, not as intense as Tae’s clothes—he realizes it’s because Tae is wearing his boyfriend’s shirt left on purpose for when he’s missing him, that way he has a part of Pah with him here. The shirt, though, has recently gone through washing; it explains the fairly more dim scent. Tae’s fingers are clinging onto his shirt, holding him as tight as physically possible.

Then, Pah is cupping his lover’s jaw and covering his face with kisses, resulting in delighted giggles from Tae; Pah could die from watching such bliss radiating from his boyfriend. There is no more rewarding feeling than seeing Tae so lively, so joyful; it fills Pah with overwhelming warmth, so powerful that he wants to cry. He’s so grateful to have a spot in his life that allows him to show Tae how loved he is; one that allows him to make him a happy man.

Tae feels blessed, love pulsing as he breathes. He’s missed him, the man he loves dearly, and a thought pops in his mind out of the blue; he thinks, I wish we could live together here. Or somewhere else. Some place that belongs to the both of us, where I get to see him every day. They’ve only started dating a few months ago, so he keeps it to himself, not wanting to scare Pah off, but the unexpected thought lingers there for a while.

With a hand on Pah’s nape, he brings their lips together. He doesn’t notice it until it’s too late; his head knocks against the wall and so does his body, but they keep on kissing, laughing softly against each other’s lips; Tae is too in love to care about the potential bruise caused by the impact. Pah’s fingers curling around his strands may be his favorite thing ever—oh, how he missed him.

Pah breaks off their kiss grudgingly. “I think we should eat first, the food is gonna get cold.”

“Oh,” Tae says, tight-lipped, his cheeks flaming. “I was a little too eager. I missed you too much.”

“I’m not going anywhere for now, I’m back for the weekend, so we have plenty of time later,” he winks at his already flushed boyfriend. “Let’s eat? I brought your favorite!”

“Fried meatballs?” Tae asks excitedly.

“Hm-hm,” Pah brings out the delicious meal and the couple eats cross-legged on Tae’s bed.

“How are you so perfect,” Tae says in between mouthfuls, and stops Pah right as he’s about to reply. “I know you’re gonna say that perfection doesn’t exist, and I know okay, so let me just praise my boyfriend for a second.”

“Okay, okay. Can I have some?” he points at Tae’s skewer.

“Hell no. Get another one,” Tae shakes his head, though lightheartedly.

“But I thought you loved me!”

“I do love you but you’re not getting my meatballs. There are plenty of them in the bag.”

“I want yours,” Pah smirks before throwing himself on Tae, making the latter fall backwards and ending up back against the bed with Pah atop him. Tae chuckles and stretches his arm out of Pah’s reach, but he’s not fast enough. Pah is already pinning him down as he steals the skewer—not before pecking his lips.

“You! You cheater…”

Pah grins, eating the stolen meat. “Try to take it back if you dare,” he teases, all while finishing eating. “Oops. Too late.”

Tae rolls his eyes, suppressing an amused smile. “Get out. You’re sleeping at the hotel tonight.”

Fortunately for Pah, he ends up sleeping next to his lover in bed, Tae’s arms wrapped around him. Tae’s been getting a little buff lately, he thinks. It’s barely noticeable, however he notices everything when it comes to Tae, and he can feel it in the loving embrace.

Pah introduces his boyfriend to his family and Tae is instantly adopted by them. He fits right in their family meals, and Pah feels so full of love when he sees them all getting along. He wishes it could remain this way forever.

They move in together months later, more precisely on their anniversary. Tae is nervous when he asks him, but Pah nods energetically, tears welling up as he holds his lover tight and whispers I love yous.

When Tae’s apartment becomes their apartment, and thus Pah’s home, it does something to Pah’s heart, remembering the first time he had come here while they were just friends; back when the context was much different. This place is now also his—and it feels right.

Tae is often working at home on projects, perks of being an editor. When Pah has projects in Bangkok, he gets to witness Tae’s workaholic side; the one that Tae believes held a part in the downfall of his and Bamhee’s past relationship. Pah supports him as much as he can.

It’s seven in the evening when Pah comes back from his part-time job. Tae is focused on his computer screen, but spares a minute to welcome his boyfriend home.

“Hello,” he lets Pah kiss him hello. “I need to finish this before tomorrow, just to let you know. Eat without me.”

They’ve been working on their communication a lot—it was hard at first for Tae to have the reflex to be so open, but he’s learned, and the results are gratifying. It’s a habit nowadays.

“Okay. Are you hungry? I can make some soup.”

“Not really, maybe later.”

Pah understands. He comes back a while later with the dish, and Tae dines at his desk. When midnight comes, Tae is still sitting in his usual chair by the desk, working.

“Hey, I’m about to go to sleep. Do you want something to drink? Eat?”

“Hmm, maybe coffee please?”

Pah leaves coffee for him on the desk, just the way he likes it, then kisses his temple. “Good night. You got this, I believe in you.”

“Thanks, Pah. I’ll join you when I’m done.”

Pah falls asleep long before Tae joins him, but when he finally does, it’s four in the morning. He embraces his lover from behind and holds him to sleep.

Two years later find them in a now three-year relationship. They’ve recently moved to another apartment, one a little bigger now that they can afford it. Pah is working full time on his projects—he’s found an offer for a big international movie shooting in Thailand. Tae is making himself known in the editing world, slowly but surely; there is no rush.

Pah isn’t sure they should have come. Ever since he heard about the reunion of the trainees, he’s been oddly nervous. Moreover, he’s the only one who has been feeling this way. It seems Tae is having no issue with it at all. He’s eager to see everyone again, he told Pah, and Pah—Pah worries about who exactly is going to be there. This need to be overprotective that he hasn’t felt in a long time comes back full force and follows him all the way to the reunion.

“There’s a chance Bamhee is gonna be there. How are you feeling about that?” Pah asked him once he heard the news.

“Pah, it’s been four years, I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me, I assure you,” Tae replied softly, squeezing Pah’s hand.

And Pah trusts him, so he forces the uneasy feeling to retreat and tries to enjoy the day worry-free.

He is ecstatic to see Pie again, a hassle to meet due to her numerous projects abroad, though she still managed to be here today for some reason. Ryan has come with Jane, who seems to have grown softer since the last time he’s seen him; the Ryan effect, without a doubt. Catching up is nice, Pah truly has missed them. He wonders if Bamhee is going to—

She’s here, and so is P’Judy.

“Hello everyone, it’s been so long! Is it okay if P’Judy stays?”

Pah is itching to reply something, but refrains himself. It feels weird to see her again, especially since he knows Tae and her haven’t met since the internship, and he’s worried his boyfriend might be uncomfortable with P’Judy here. He glances at Tae, who’s just come back with drinks in hand; he’s smiling upon seeing the two girlfriends. A genuine smile, Pah notices. He’s not faking it.

“Hi, Bamhee, hi P’Judy,” Tae greets. “She can stay no problem.”

There’s an awkwardness surrounding Bamhee that’s almost palpable. “Tae I’m sorry, I wasn’t sure you’d be her—”

“Bamhee, I don’t mind, don’t worry. It’s been ages. Would you like something to drink, Bamhee, P’Judy?”

Judy offers a polite smile. “I’d like to, thank you.” She goes to sit not far from Pie, giving her girlfriend some space.

“Are you two working for the same company?” Tae asks Bamhee with an ease that surprises Pah. Proudness surges through him as he watches the two interact, as well as a too familiar feeling he tries to ignore. Who knew so much could change in four years?

“Oh, no, P’Judy still works at Good Pick, and I work in Bangkok, but at another company! Working together is too distracting.” Everyone can see that she’s trying not to say too much to prevent making him uncomfortable, in spite of Tae looking very much comfortable right now. “Have you been well, Tae?” She enquires after a while, curious yet guarded.

“Yeah, I have,” he cracks a smile. “She makes you happy, doesn’t she?” It’s more of a statement than anything.

She scans his face, for a hint about his emotions, but all he’s showing is genuine joy, not anything remotely shady. She smiles widely then, nodding quickly. “Yeah, the happiest!”

“I’m happy for you, Bamhee. It’s all I ever wanted for you. I can see how much you and P’Judy love each other from here. I’m glad everything is working out well for you.”

Bamhee reciprocates his smile, and the exchange is sweet to witness to anyone else—there’s not any animosity left, nor lingering feelings. They’ve both moved on a long time ago, but they still feel this care—platonic now—for each other, the kind when you wish the best for them, when you want them to succeed and be happy.

“I hope everything is going well for you too, Tae. Professionally-wise and… personally-wise too.”

Pah feels the pang again, the pang from when he was just a friend to Tae. The irrational fear of being forgotten and left strikes him, but he knows it’s too stupid of a thought to ever let it out. Sometimes, the idea that he can never be a match to Bamhee crosses his mind, though it remains a volatile emotion, something he knows his brain is falsely trying to make him believe. It’s still there, though, and he tugs at Tae’s shirt ever so subtly, cursing himself with guilt for being overly clingy. Yet, Tae brings Pah closer, chasing away the shadows eating him from the inside. There’s an arm sliding down his back then a hand being placed on his waist and Pah is confused.

“Remember Pah? He’s my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for more than three years and I—I love him. So much I’d die for him,” Tae confesses to Bamhee but also to the whole group, beaming. He turns to his boyfriend with an endeared expression on his features. There’s an entire galaxy flowing in his irises and visible for Pah and Pah alone to see, and oh, Pah is going to cry. He mirrors Tae’s bright expression and lets their heads softly bump, squeezing Tae’s hand on his waist.

Bamhee looks as if she just had an epiphany, as if she made sense of a thing previously unclear. Then, she looks at them fondly, and smiles. “You guys are so cute! I’m so happy for you two. Congratulations, I should have seen this coming…” She sends Pah a knowing look.

“What do you mean, see this coming…”

“You were being intense, Pah, I sensed it was more than simple friendship. Guess I was right.” Bamhee winks at him, and it’s insane how easy it is to go back to a playful but warm atmosphere.

Pie slams her mug on the table. “Hey, why is everyone dating here except me?”

“Well, is there someone you’re interested in?” Pah sends her a lopsided smile.

“No, never. I’m not interested in that. I don’t like romance.”

“Then stop complaining.”

She mock-kicks him in answer.

It’s late at night when they leave, holding hands until they make it home. They prepare for bed together, and Tae and Pah both love these domestic moments.

“Pah,” Tae calls softly as they’re lying side by side, “You know I’m madly in love with you right?”

“Hmm, I’m aware. Are you trying to tell me something?” Tae probably noticed his behavior in early afternoon, when he was having a pathetic moment of insecurity. Pah feels warm inside at the idea that Tae also notices everything about his boyfriend the way he does himself.

“No. I just wanted to let you know. Because you are the man I love and chose to spend my life with, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He gives his lover a smitten smile.

Pah feels so lucky that this man right here is his to love and care for; his to make the happiest. He’d die for him, he really would. “Spending your life with? You mean…”

“I mean that one day, if it’s something you also want, we may get to be a little more than boyfriends. Maybe. Hypothetically. If not I will keep pestering you for the rest of your life anyway, so unfortunately you can’t get rid of me.”

“Oh, Tae…” He’s overwhelmed with love for his lover, eyes teary at the sudden deep words. “It’s also something I want. One day. I love you so much,” he replies, stroking Tae’s hair. “Now come kiss me, I want to feel you close to me.”

Tae doesn’t need to be told twice. He climbs on top of his boyfriend, his legs pressing against Pah’s thighs as he bends down and pulls him into an open-mouthed kiss. It quickly turns lewd and Tae's glasses fog up but Pah follows suit, hands finding Tae’s back to take his shirt off.

They only get some sleep after their limbs are sore by the energy-intensive activity. Staring love-sickly at Tae’s sleeping face, Pah thinks, this is exactly where I’m meant to be.