Breakfast Sandwiches

The Apocalypse is, as you’d expect, boring.

Well, boring to me I suppose. There’s plenty of those guys you see on the tv(used to see I should say) that were total survival nuts, with the hidden basements and shotguns disguised as table legs. I was never one of those guys to be honest; like most of the general population, I assumed that the apocalypse would’ve been swift, nuclear, and not attempting to bit my hand off. But when is life ever going the way it should? No, we had to get zombies! I mean sure we were fortunate in that regard—we got slow zombies, that did the shuffling and groaning and shit. I know what you’re thinking: “thank goodness! Those types are easy to get away from!”……yeah….I thought so too.

So imagine my surprise when I got bit on day one.

Anyways, I’d like to not Think about that day so I’ll keep it brief; I got bit, it hurt a lot, and after a day or two of writhing on the ground I got up, somewhat the same as before. My friends didn’t get the same fate; I say hi to Bob and Laura whenever they skulk past my apartment building. I can’t move as fast as I’d like to, but I’m still faster than other zombies. I can still talk, which is a lifesaver in more ways than one. The two biggest things that really matter though, is that I look like a fresh zombie on the outside, and still have my sanity on the inside. I can live with green skin(am I living? Sure as hell ain’t dead), it goes well with my piercings. After that day, I shuffle-walked back home, and just kept on living as per normal. Zombies weren’t giving me any trouble, and everyone else evacuated the city, so it was just me, my three books, and my undead brethren. Wi-Fi, cable, and electricity were the first to fail; I could fix the electricity by plugging in the solar generator my parents INSISTED I take with me(thx mom), but the wi-fi and cable being out created the worst problem I faced since my transformation; boredom.

Sure, I could’ve walked to the library, or started a garden, or done any one of the multitude of things people did for fun before the iPhone existed. The problem with those is that I’m really, really, lazy and Impatient all in one go, and this slow body wasn’t helpful. I ended up staying home and just eating my supply of food, until, finally, I had run out of every possible form of nutrients in my apartment and those around me. After four long months, I was going to have to go shopping. This truly was the apocalypse.

I prepared as best I could. Since my nervous system failed from the virus, temperature wasn’t a pain, so I covered up best I could in case I ran into stragglers. I still smelled like a zombie, so I wasn’t really hassled as I shuffle-walked(shwalked? Shwalked.) to the abandoned Walmart three blocks down. I brought all three of my cold thermal protection bags in case the Walmart still had power, for my real prize were Microwaveable Breakfast Sandwiches.

Ah, Breakfast Sandwiches. Truly, if I didn’t retain my sense of smell and taste, I wouldn’t have lasted this long into the apocalypse. There is no greater breakfast item than a croissant cut in two, housing a slice of cheese, scrambled eggs, and a sausage patty. I daydreamed about them for half of the walk, before I was rudely interrupted by a group of zombies groaning. That stopped me right in my tracks, because there was only one thing that got zombies agitated and energized enough to groan;

The smell of a human.

For a second, I was afraid that they were after me, that my luck had finally run up; but no, as I watched the group 50 in front of me walk through the four way I had gotten to, I saw a small group of three, all dressed in protective gear hiding their characteristics from me, running from the rest of the hoard—unfortunately in my direction. It appeared to be two adults and a child, whom was being carried by the taller of the two. Just my luck. While I was a massive introvert with anxiety, and I had the great excuse of being half zombie to allow me from avoiding them, the taller one caught my eye with their own. I could see the fear in their eyes. I had to do something.

Thankfully I had lived in the city for a couple of years, so I knew my way around. There was a library in the corner behind me, and I shwalked as fast as I could towards it and worked on opening the massive doors that used to rely on electricity and sensors to know when to open. It took all of my flimsy arm strength, and by the point it was wide open, the horde was closing in. I shouted “here!” In what must’ve been the graveliest voice know to mankind. They heard me though, and ran to me. It looked like they almost attracted the entire city, there was so many zombies. They swarmed in from all four roads, all for the hope of people for dinner. The humans crossed the road, ran up the stairs, and practically jumped through the doorway. I shuffled in after them, and the massive door closed on its own. We could hear the groaning and scratching of hundreds of zombies outside, but we were safe.

Well. They were safe. I didn’t think this through to be honest. I don’t even know why I walked in with them, I would’ve been just fine with the zombies! God this could go so bad. What if they think I’m a zombie, or turning into one? What if they’re cold killers that aren’t afraid of taking from other humans? What if—

“Hello? Are you okay?” A muffled voice said, taking me out of my spiral before it got too bad. I had sat against the wall and pulled up my legs without noticing, and I looked up to my possible executioners. Waiting with exhausted smiles were the three people, now with their headgear off. “That was exciting, huh?”, the child, a boy, said to me with a grin. The other two, a late middle aged woman and a man, had exasperated looks on their faces. They were looking around the library while unsubtly keeping an eye on me. I realized with a start I hadn’t said anything. “Yeah little man, you’re right on that.”, was the only comment I could think of. Ugh. I hadn’t done small talk in ages.

I slowly and calmly stood to my feet, keeping my hands where they could see them; they weren’t holding guns, but I didn’t feel like seeing just how zombie durable I was yet. “Are you guys new to the area?” I asked, hoping that was a good icebreaker. I was rewarded with the man and woman’s expression softening. I found out their names were Jesse and Lisa, and the kid’s being Russel. I told them they could call me Soren. The group were on their way from one settlement to the other, and decided to take a shortcut due to reports saying there were less zombies in the city. “Fat chance I’ll trust any reports from Branson now!”, said Lisa, as we walked through the library. Most libraries tend to have large windows, and this one did as well; going from bookcase to bookcase kept us from being spotted by any zombies outside. “Sounds like this ‘Branson’ saw the city about two months back,” I replied, “There was a big flood back then, and most of the inhabitants got flushed into the subway system. They’ve been making their way back though, slow as it is.”

Jesse, who was in the lead with a kitchen knife, asked, “you seem to know a lot about this place. Do you still live here? I can’t imagine it being easy.” Dammit. I wanted to be helpful and was too willing. Think, Zombieman, think! “Yeah, you’re right!”, was the best I could come up with on short notice. I’m not a great conversation holder in the first place and now I’ve got to come up with hardships I never faced if the conversation keeps going this way. Luckily for me, we were fast approaching our destination. “Take a left this way”, I said, as we came around to the opposite of the building.

We came to a small exit door. I said, “okay, you guys stay here, I’m going to take a quick glimpse outside, see the best way forward. Sounds great?” And before they could utter a word of protest, I quickly opened and closed the door, before leaning on it and exhaling out all the stress of being around other people. I opened my eyes, and looked up to see a crowd of zombies blankly staring at me. Had I not been living with them for months, I would’ve died from the shock alone. The exit door opened to a small alleyway-road combo, and it was filled to the brim. I huffed, and pushed up my sleeves for some physical work.

Now here’s what’s different about our zombies; they’ll see any form of attack against them as reason to hit back. This could be A human stabbing their brain, another zombie mistaking their leg for lunch, or even an unbalanced pot of Petunias falling on them(sorry greg). Meaning I can’t risk trying to kill them without the majority killing me back. Thankfully they hold no skill or tactic whatsoever, so I found a wide broom in the library’s trash can, and simply pushed them one by one out of the alleyway. They were easy to herd around, and it reminded me of watching farmers herd cattle. It got to a point where the repetition was nice enough to make me hum. I had just finished pushing the last zombie out of the way, and turned around to walk back to the exit door to give the all clear. The exit door, with windows. Windows facing me. Windows that were currently holding three gobsmacked faces, looking at me and my sleeveless pale green arms.

I felt myself freeze instantly, smile still on face, just standing there, locked in staring contest with all three of them. Lisa opened the door, and that was enough to make me run. I wasn’t completely tactless, and I didn’t want them running into that herd of zombies, so I ran in the direction that’ll take them to the way out of the city. That was about the most my fear filled brain could think if at the moment, ignoring their calls. I may have been an introvert with anxiety, but even I know they’ll have questions I don’t want to answer, and that’s the best situation considering they don’t see me as a threat. After turning a block, I was at the exit of the city in the direction they needed to go. I walked into the closest building, an abandoned office building, before locking the door, and hid behind the receptionist desk. I must’ve hid there for hours. Eventually, when I was certain no human would wait this long. I looked out the glass doors. The road was empty, aside from a piece of paper taped to the door that wasn’t there before. I walked to the door, unlocked it and went outside, before pulling the paper off and reading it.

Paper and writing utensils aren’t rare, but aren’t usually carried, so they used little of their resources. It was bent in half, with the front saying “to Soren”. opening the page showed a big “Thank you! -Jesse, Lisa, Russel” written in bad handwriting. I realized it must’ve been Russel who made this, and smiled as I folded this and put it in my pocket. I’m glad I was able to help the group, even if I did abandon them at the end. It seemed like they understood anyway. While I was busy congratulating myself on interacting with other people without dying, I realized that at some point I left my shopping bags somewhere. Darn. Ah well, they’ll have bags at the store. I shuffled on to the Walmart, hoping to grab dinner before night came.

Or at least a breakfast sandwich.