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We never met, but he's all I see at night
Never met, but he's always on my mind
Wanna give him the world and so much more
Who is my heart waiting for?
Phayu had never intended on being an idol. It hadn’t been in the list of things he had decided on as a five year old…not even close. Being a race car driver had been at the top back then mostly because of his father being into fast cars. As he got older he enjoyed making music more and more but had ultimately decided that it was not something he was good enough at to pursue. In fact, he had been dead set on becoming an architect.
Life had a funny way of turning itself around because somehow at 27 he was standing just to the left of a massive stage with his heart hammering in his chest. He had been scouted by his agency when he was still in university. He had been a second year barely making it through the grueling hours of work for his midterm deadlines. He had just so happened to stop at a cafe that an agency representative had also stopped at. Phayu isn’t really sure what the person saw in him to make them think he would make a good idol because he’s pretty sure he looked like the walking dead.
But, they had seen something important and had offered him an audition. Phayu wasn’t stupid. He knew his looks were impressive and he could be quite charming. Saifah had ribbed him for days after hearing about the incident. He had, however, pushed Phayu to at least go and audition. He kept telling his twin that it couldn’t hurt anything to at least try. Phayu enjoyed music. He liked the creative process of making music. So…he went. To both his and his family’s surprise he had gotten signed.
It was good. Enjoyable for a time. The hours were grueling but they allowed him to stay in school and finish his degree…granted he finished it a year late. He worked for hours at a time on singing and dancing and sometimes only slept a few minutes to an hour between the end of one day and the beginning of another. At times he had wondered if it was even worth it.
It had been. Debuting had been one of the single most terrifying but also rewarding things he had ever done. His Cyclones were his greatest treasure. His fans were what had kept him going throughout his seven year contract despite how rough his treatment could be. Their love and support in anything and everything he did was his single beacon of light some days.
If every day I think about him
Yeah, every day of my life
Then tell me why I haven't found him
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Phayu at this point had traveled the globe singing and dancing his way to the top. He had even attended shows as a coach and shared his experiences in the industry. Yet, there was still something missing in it all. No matter how grand Phayu grew or how well his music sold he never felt fulfilled.
No. Since childhood Phayu had yearned for something no one had ever been able to grant him. His dreams were plagued again and again by the face of another constantly calling out to him and reaching for him. The person aged as he aged, growing even more beautiful with each year that passed. Black hair eventually turned chestnut brown and then a honeyed blonde before covering a wide spectrum of shades and hues. Phayu had taken to calling him his rainbow boy.
One thing, however, had always remained the same. The boy always reached for him with the most impossibly wide eyes and the softest little bunny smile. ‘Phi’ he would mouth as if excited to finally reach Phayu. No matter how much the other boy grew, his adorableness had never once lessened. If anything it had only multiplied. Phayu yearned for this boy.
He had tried to give himself over to others, wine them and dine them, knowing full well dreams were just that. For all Phayu knew this boy simply didn’t exist and was merely a figment of his imagination. Yet, every tryst and every shiny relationship had ended one by one. Phayu’s heart simply was not in it. His heart ached for the boy he saw every night when he finally closed his eyes.
So many people to see (so many people to see, to see, to see)
Places to go (so many places to go), we still haven't found hello
Phayu had been stunned speechless when he had finally seen the boy's face outside of his dreams. It had been on the screen of Saifah’s bedroom as his brother binged some new drama he had gotten hooked on. Phayu had been spending their shared birthday together with his twin after doing a live to celebrate with his fans.
Somehow, Saifah had roped him into watching the drama with him after ranting about how this cousin said it was literally one of the best dramas she had seen in years and that the actors just had ‘such amazing chemistry’! So, having not seen Saifah in two weeks, he relented. It was a cute drama about two best friends growing up and going to university before reuniting after graduation and realizing they were in love with one another. Phayu had went back later and rewatched the drama. At that moment, however, he’s fairly certain nothing but the pretty bunny eyes staring back at him had registered.
Phayu knew those eyes as intimately as he knew that smile. He had grown up seeing it in his dreams over and over again. It was the smile that hid behind his eyelids and made him envy those that got to dream for longer than two or three hours. He remembers asking Saifah after the episode finished just who the two actors were, trying his best to play it cool.
Rain and Sky were their names and that apparently had been their first ever series together. Rain. The boy’s name was Rain and what a beautiful name it was for the boy with the innocent eyes and bunny smile. Phayu wanted him immediately. He wanted to run to him, to try and find a way to contact him and ask him if their dreams were a mutual thing. He would come off crazed he was sure which had given him pause.
“Apparently, a lot of fans think the two of them may be dating since they’re so close!”
Phayu had felt like his heart was shattering. His boy was already taken. Their shared chemistry on screen certainly hinted at a much closer relationship than just coworkers. Phayu had hoped when closing his eyes later that night after binge watching the entire drama just to see Rain smile again and again that he wouldn’t be greeted with the boy again. He had not been so lucky.
We never met, but he's all I see at night
Never met, but he's always on my mind
Wanna give him the world and so much more
Who is my heart waiting for?
Phayu had written Who in an almost senseless moment after waking from yet another dream featuring the man who was no longer nameless. The words had tumbled out of his mind in a silent plea. Who was he waiting for all these years? He had a name to the face but that name was also apparently attached to someone who didn’t even know he existed and wasn’t in any way obtainable.
But Phayu still yearned. He wanted Rain. He wanted to sweep him away and give him anything and everything he could possibly ever want. It was like every beat of his heart kept him alive only to spend another day patiently waiting for the boy who called him phi so beautifully.
He had been hesitant to even give Who over to his label knowing almost verbatim what they would say. He was right. When he had given the song over they had instantly struck it down telling him if he didn’t change the male pronouns to feminine ones it wouldn’t go on the album. ‘You’re selling an imagine, Phayu,’ they had said as if it was clear as day. And it was.
Phayu was selling the image of the boyfriend idol. He was selling that anyone out there could be the one to eventually win his heart. That sales pitch didn’t need to go out to men. It was better, easier, for it to go out to women and women alone. Could Phayu do that? Change everything he was and his entire existence like that? This song was Rain’s. It belonged to Rain but how could Rain hear it if it never even reached the greater crowds?
So, Phayu had changed the lyrics. It ached somewhere deep inside him to do so but he had done it. It felt like a betrayal in the most visceral way possible. Not only was he betraying himself and Rain but he was also betraying the authenticity he promised his cyclones. They were hearing a straight washed version of a song from a bisexual singer who had written it for another man… a man who acted in gay dramas to boot.
If Phayu chose a dancer with similar features to Rain to be in the mv that was his business and his alone. If fans noticed the similarities Phayu didn’t see any comments on it. His company on the other hand did. They didn’t need a bisexual idol to make their lives difficult. They needed a seemingly straight idol to make straight pop music to appeal to straight women.
Phayu had enough. He was none of those things. He had never been shy or ashamed of being bisexual. He liked women, sure, but he also liked men. If he was being honest he leaned more toward men but women were nice too. He was tired of hiding himself away and minimizing himself in an effort to sell an image of someone he could never and would never be.
I'll take him places they ain't found yet
I'll put it all on the line
I'll be that someone he can count on
One, two, three, four, five
So here he stood in a crowded arena at the tail end of his tour having sent back the documents refusing to renew his contract. The news would break soon enough. This was the final arena in his latest tour. Bangkok had always been home. Staring out at a sea of fans that also included his family was as devastating as his final decision had been.
He wasn’t sure what he would do after this. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to continue making music. He thought about possibly acting but wasn’t sure he’d be the best at it. He also thought about going into architecture and using his degree that he had worked so hard for. He was still not sure. He hadn’t even told his parents yet about his choice to not renew his contract.
One thing he did know was that he was tired of pretending to be someone he was not. He would no longer do so either. He had lived by the company's rules for far too long and had every intention of living as authentically himself as possible from here on out.
That authenticity started here with a crowd of unsuspecting fans in one of the biggest stadiums in Bangkok. Phayu hadn’t been this nervous since he performed his first show in front of a crowd praying he didn’t forget any of the lines of his song or the dance that went along with it. He knows his parents and brother are out in the crowd somewhere. Sai already confirmed he would support Phayu and love him no matter what and that their parents would as well. Phayu can only be grateful to have been born into such a loving family and to have an extension of himself like Saifah. Sai was more than just his brother…he was his twin…the other half of his soul. Saifah had always known him in a way few others had ever been able to.
They would always be there for him even if he one day lost all his money and his fame and had no more fans cheering his name. He would have his family. That alone is what carries him through his concert even with the knowledge that this very well might be his last one. He may lose it all but…he might also gain so much more.
So he sits on the stage, cross legged, staring out into the sea of blinking fan lights and expectant faces, and tries to find the words he had rehearsed a thousand times in the mirror at home.
So many people to see (so many people to see, to see, to see)
Places to go (so many places to go), we still haven't found hello
“I…I wrote something long and rehearsed it a thousand times but now that I’m standing here to give my final speech…I’m at a loss for words.” Phayu stares out across the wide arena teeming with people and his eyes flicker toward one of the private boxes where he knows his family is sitting. Saifah is the only one who knew what Phayu had decided to do. His twin had always supported Phayu no matter what it was he chose to do. For that Phayu was eternally grateful. “As many of you know, I've been in this industry for seven years. Without my cyclones I couldn’t have possibly been as lucky as I am right now. However, I want you to hear it from me first. I have decided not to renew my contract.”
The arena explodes in shouts and screams. Phayu can even see tears stained faces along the front most rows. He knew his cyclones would be devastated. He didn’t want to hurt them but the idea of continuing on as he was made him feel desolate inside. “Please, don’t cry, my little storms. I don’t plan on leaving you all. There were many factors that went into my decision but the largest of them was my desire to be as authentically myself as possible.” He had chosen those words specifically for a reason. He had hoped his fans would know what he meant by it.
“You see, a few months ago when I was preparing my album I brought a song forward that I had poured my heart and soul into. It was released but with one stipulation.” Phayu adjusts his position, feeling like his heart is about to break through his ribs with how hard it was pounding. He was terrified of the backlash from his company but he was also ready to be out and be proud and move on. “I had to change a few choice words that would have made all the difference. So, tonight in honor of moving forward and being myself openly and honestly in front of all of you, I will be singing my song, Who…his version.”
We never met, but he's all I see at night
Never met, but he's always on my mind
Wanna give him the world and so much more
Who is my heart waiting for?
Phayu had not expected the deafening silence that stilled the arena as the last notes of his song rang out. Nor did he expect the thundering applause and excitement that followed it. He found himself stunned as the cheering grew louder and louder shaking the arena. Was this what he had been missing out on all along? Was this what his company was so terrified of?
“I don’t want there to be any misconceptions…I’m bisexual. I’ve always been bisexual. I’ve always known I was. I wrote this song about another man.” Phayu swallows thickly as a flag lands on the stage in front of him thrown by an eager fan. It was bright and beautiful and a rainbow just like his rainbow boy. “Who is my call out to a rainbow boy I dreamt about once upon a time. I know it sounds silly but I woke up from my dream and wrote the entirety of who in a few minutes wondering all about this mysterious rainbow boy with the prettiest eyes and the sweetest bunny smile.”
Phayu reaches out and wraps a hand around the flag that had been thrown before lifting it up and wrapping it around his shoulders. The arena explodes once more in cheers and excitement and Phayu feels like his heart could explode with how full of love it felt. “You my little storms most of all deserve to know this part of me that I’ve kept hidden away for so long so I wanted to share it with you here. I wanted all of you to hear the words from me and not a vague press release. I’m out and I’m proud and I may not be staying with my company for seven more years but I’m not going anywhere!” The cheers start up again and Phayu feels a grin stretch across his face that is so giddy it hurts. He had done it. He was out. The world knew he was a bisexual man. The world knew that he had written a song for another man. Maybe even Rain would know that he had written who for him.
Is he someone that I see every day?
Is he somewhere a thousand miles away?
Wanna give him the world and so much more
Who is my heart waiting for?
Phayu doesn’t really remember how he got from the stage to the dressing rooms but he had. It was all a breathtaking blur. Saifah and his parents are already backstage when he finally changes out of his stage clothing. His manager keeps shooting him proud glances having been one of the few to urge him to do whatever made him happiest. Saifah nearly tackles him in a hug before their mother enveloped them both in her tightest hug possible.
“My boys…I’m so proud of you. My sweet baby you've done so well!”
Phayu’s parents had always been accepting and even encouraging of Phayu’s sexuality. His mother always was willing to listen to whatever poetic blabbering Phayu could come up with about a potential lover. More than once she had heard about a dream of a boy who felt like rainbows and had eyes like sunshine.
Phayu’s father pulls him into a tight bear hug once his mother releases him and Saifah. The man drops Phayu and wraps a loving arm around Saifah too as to not leave the other twin out. “I know it was a hard choice to make, son, but as long as you are happy and healthy you’ve made the correct one.” Phayu finds himself tearing up a bit having worried so much about if he was making a good choice or not. Hearing his dad say so made him feel like he just might have.
“Sorry to interrupt, Khun Phayu, but it appears as if there is a special vip who would like to speak with you.” Phayu turns to look at his manager in confusion. He hadn’t seen any special vips on the guest list other than his parents and Sai. Typically he would greet them all first before going and changing but since it was just his family he hadn’t thought twice about changing and cleaning his face. “They said if you don’t feel up to it, that's alright. They’ll understand. Their VIP status was quite last minute.”
“No….no. I’ll go phi!” Phayu tugs a sweatshirt over his head as his body finally starts to cool down a bit. He was going to be meeting his parents and Sai for dinner tomorrow night so it’s not like he had plans with them directly after. They all knew how exhausted he got after a show. “I’ll see you all tomorrow night for dinner? Text me and let me know when you’ve all gotten home safe. Sai I’ll message when I’m on my way back to the house.”
“Of course Yu, I’ll see you when you get home.”
Phayu is engulfed in another of his fathers impossibly tight hugs followed shortly thereafter by a softer and gentler hug from his mother. She places a sweet kiss on his cheek and makes sure to wipe away any lipstick left over. Sai curls him into a side hug and follows after their parents out the door. Phayu, for what it’s worth, follows his manager out the very same door a few moments later.
Heart waiting for?
(Who is my heart?) Heart waiting for?
(Who is my heart?) Heart waiting for?
(Who is my?) Who is my heart waiting for?
The VIP room at this stadium isn’t huge. Typically if they do a backstage event they use a seperate room. This room is reserved for smaller amounts of VIP visitors and was a sort of unused greenroom. A few of Phayu’s friends had used this room last year for his birthday event. Sai, Pai, and Lom were a few of them.
Phayu steps into the room and is surprised when his manager doesn’t follow him through the door. Rather, his manager shoots him a wink and closes the door behind him. This must be one hell of a VIP visitor to get almost entirely unsupervised access to him. There were cameras of course and security on the other side of the door. Still…this was unprecedented.
“Sorry for asking this of you at the last minute.” Phayu freezes in place. The voice that had pierced the silence feels like one he had heard hundreds of thousands of times before. He had. Obviously he had with how many times he had watched and rewatched episode after episode of shows starring his beautiful face. “I’m just a big fan you see.”
Phayu turns already knowing exactly what to expect. He’s not surprised that the other man looks even more stunning up close rather than on screen. Even with his features hidden by a mask and cap, Rain was absolutely the single most beautiful creature Phayu had ever laid his eyes on. Even his dreams had not done the other man justice. Then he takes the mask off and Phayu is even more floored by how beautiful the man is up close.
“Don’t worry, Rain, it’s really no issue.”
Rain’s eyes light up like a millions stars twinkling in their depths and Phayu wants to fall into them and never leave. He had seen hundreds of thousands of beautiful people in his travels but none were as beautiful as Rain. “You know my name…wow.” He looks so stunned and Phayu desperately tamps down the urge to devour Rain as Rain bited down shyly on his lip.
“Of course! I’ve seen your shows!” Phayu steps into the room further and draws closer to Rain. Rain’s face flushes softly and he bounces slightly on his toes when Phayu gets too close. He was nervous. “I know I might not seem like the normal audience but my brother is and he got me into them. You and your partner have really great chemistry. I’m hoping your next project is revealed soon.”
Rain’s face does a complex jump through emotions before he settles on a small reserved smile. “I’m assuming you haven’t had a moment to check your socials today have you? Sky’s relationship got leaked and fans aren’t too happy about it. I’m not sure if our next project will still be greenlit or not.” Phayu can feel his heart drop and then kick up rapidly once more. Sky had a partner which meant they were not actually dating and Rain may very well be single.
“I’m sorry to hear that. You two had such good chemistry on screen.” Phayu turns and busies himself with pouring them both a drink to try and control his own excitement for a moment. “My brother said that a lot of times bl pairings get kind of sold together as a unit so fans can ship them but I still don’t quite understand why him dating someone takes away from the amazing stories you two tell together.”
“To be honest, I’m not really sure of that either and I’m in the industry. I guess it’s a bit like the idol industry can be where you’re selling a product.” Rain takes the offered drink with a small shy smile. His hands are so much smaller than Phayu’s and it’s so adorable. “If I had to guess, it’s probably because he’s dating a well loved straight pairing actor. I don’t know if you’ve met him before but he’s dating Prapai…has been since shortly after we debuted as a pairing.”
“Oh! That’s who Pai is dating?! That explains why he was always so hush hush about it.”
Pai had met Phayu and Saifah shortly after Phayu had signed with his company. Pai acted within the same company at the time but signed into a different one when he got paired with his acting partner, Vie. They’ve been paired together for a few years now. Phayu always found it funny because they were both gay as fuck and in no way attracted to one another but fans shipped them avidly.
“Yeah…honestly I might be in the field for a new partner if they decide to act together now that the story is out.” Rain offers Phayu a playful grin that doesn’t seem nearly as put out as Phayu expected it to be. Was Rain…joking about losing his partner? “Do you know anybody willing to work in the bl industry with me?”
We never met, but he's all I see at night
Never met, but he's always on my mind
Wanna give him the world and so much more
Who is my heart waiting for?
“Well as you heard tonight, I’m looking for new work.”
Phayu isn’t sure what came over him or why he even said it but once the words had left his mouth he found in his heart that he desperately wanted Rain to take him seriously. The idea of acting wasn't far out of his scope of abilities. He had done it a few times for smaller stuff like commercials and the like and even was a guest star a few times in Pai’s shows. He’s not sure how well he would actually do in a full drama but he wouldn’t be opposed to trying it if it meant getting to spend more time with his rainbow boy.
Rain giggles softly and pushes against Phayu’s shoulder playfully. Phayu is an odd mixture of disappointed and grateful that Rain wasn’t taking him seriously. “I’m just joking phi…to be honest I think I’ll probably take a break and focus on my last semester of my degree. Architecture is hard enough as is.” Phayu feels his eyes go wide at that. He had never even thought to look into Rain’s degree program when he initially looked the actor up. To think they would have been in the same field!
“That I totally understand! I was preparing for a tour during my last semester of my architecture program! I think I slept maybe an hour or two a night.” Rain’s eyes go all big and shiny again and Phayu feels a shot of triumph soar across his heart. He had put that look on Rain’s face. Phayu finds himself smiling at how adorable Rain looks. And Rain for his part seems to get shy once more. “I’m sure you’ll do amazing, you've already made it this far, nong.”
“Thank you, P’Phayu…that means so much to me coming from you.” Rain’s face flushes the prettiest shade of pink and Phayu desperately wants to bite into those plush cheeks. He had seen them in his dreams for so long and wanted to feel them under his hands for just as long. He had to wonder if Rain had shared in his dreams all these years or if perhaps it had only been him. “I’m just a really big fan of yours, phi.”
Is he someone that I see every day? (Oh)
Is he somewhere a thousand miles away? (A thousand miles away)
“Funny…because phi is a really big fan of yours, rainbow boy.”
The words leave his mouth before he can help himself and he immediately wants to take them back. However, the way Rain’s eyes widen and his mouth drops open in awe make Phayu rethink that feeling. Rain didn’t look annoyed or disgusted. Rather, Rain looked stunned and a bit excited.
“Rainbow boy? Does that mean…” Rain trails off suddenly unsure of himself. He shouldn’t be. It meant exactly what Phayu intended it to. He was playing his cards early, he knew that, but something in him was telling him to trust in Rain. To trust that his rainbow boy was the same. “Who, your song, is about me…right?”
“It is.”
Phayu reaches a hand out and pressed it against Rain’s plush cheek. His entire arm tingles and his heart hammers in his chest. He was touching his rainbow boy for the first time ever outside of his dreams. Rain’s eyes flutter shut and his mouth parts on a soft delighted sigh. Phayu is a goner. He would do and give anything and everything if it meant getting to hear that sound again.
“I’ve dreamed about you for as long as I can remember.” Rain’s voice is quiet and hesitant but clear. His fingers curl around Phayu’s wrist keeping his hand pressed to Rain’s cheek. Rain’s touch is like a firebrand on Phayu’s skin. Phayu doesn’t want him to ever let go now that he’s finally found him. “I had hoped for a while that you also dreamt of me…but then I saw you on stage and all your songs were about girls and I thought…”
Rain trails off and his eyes grow misty. He bites down on his lip and Phayu desperately wants to go back and take back any and all songs he had written that had made Rain think he wasn’t going to be interested. “My label wouldn’t allow it but know each and every love song was written after dreaming of you. All of it was born out of searching and yearning for you. My rainbow boy.” Rain’s answering smile is the single most stunning thing Phayu has ever seen in his life. He wanted to see more and more of that same adorable smile. He wanted the rest of his life to be spent learning each and every one of Rain’s facial expressions. He’d spent the last twenty seven years of his life searching for him after all. He’d happily spend the rest of his years dedicated to ensure those beautiful smiles and pretty giggles continue.
“Phi…can I have your number?”
“You can have my heart too if you want it.”
Rain’s face flushes an even deeper shade of red and he ducks his head down quickly in embarrassment. His shoulders shake with giggles and he presses a hand to his mouth demurely. Fuck he was gorgeous. “Let’s maybe start with your phone number and dinner? Then maybe we can work our way up to our hearts, yeah?” Phayu finds himself smiling despite the embarrassment simmering in his gut. Dear god he loved this man an unreasonable amount for this being the first time they’ve ever spoken face to face outside of their dreams.
“Dinner…yeah, I can do that.”
Wanna give him the world and so much more (and so much more)
Who is my heart waiting for?