Chapter Text
“Miranda”
She never understood why people feared her. Not until today, not until Addison needed a favor. One she knew would only have more questions thrown at her. One that may potentially expose her current predicament. This was not how she wanted to do this. But she learnt her lesson about the unpredictability of life when she saw one Meredith grey, lifeless and blue on that gurney yesterday. Derek had reassured her countless times that he will be there for the currently fragile intern. The intern her ex-husband was in love with. The intern, Addison was unable to shake from her own mind. The intern for whom she walked away from her husband for.
“Most people only call me that when they need something from me, something personal” said the short women, her lips pursed stiffly, her entire being looked exhausted and screamed ‘do not test me today.’ She refused to even look up from the chart she was writing in. So, Addison shifted a little uncomfortably prompting Miranda to look at her with an eyebrow that was raised so high even Satan was intimidated.
She was becoming fond of that name, Satan. Not because it projected her as an evil person who came to disrupt the perfect couple but because it was a nickname that was born from a certain petite blonde.
“I need you to put Grey on my service today.” Addison did not know whether to run, hide or stand up tall in front of the resident as she made her request. She knows that as an attending she had a right to demand the blonde be put on her service and the resident had to comply. But after yesterday’s situation, it seemed unlikely the resident was going to be so easy with handing her interns out.
“No.”
“Dr. Bail-“
“No. Just because she is stupid enough to think that anyone is going to let her work today after the stunt she pulled on all of us less than 48 hours ago doesn’t mean you get to be stupid too. She is going to stay on my service and sit quietly in a corner. Not dying. Resting. As she should be doing for the next week.” Bailey was done, she was exhausted after fighting for the interns’ life.
She should be asleep in her bed after the day she had had. But no here she was babysitting because the stupid intern had refused to take the week off and the chief had let her. All because everyone was walking on eggshells around the girl who had almost drowned herself. Everyone knew, after Derek's statement of how well she can swim and now everyone was afraid to let Meredith grey out of their sight. Hence the chief had let her get back to work a day after she was resuscitated.
Addison had not had a chance to see the damage to the intern’s torso and chest. She knows though from what Derek had told her that the blues and blacks marring her skin are not going anywhere anytime soon. Her ex-husband had picked up on the first ring middle of the night knowing that Addison needed to hear that the blonde was indeed still breathing on her own. The discussion they had had was still fresh on her mind.
“She’s hanging in there; she refuses to talk about it and is refusing anything for the pain. Trust me I tried.” Came his tired voice on the other side of the line.
“But she’s sleeping?” Addison asked tentatively, hoping that Meredith was at the very least able to fall asleep for sometime.
“Snoring like a truck.” He chuckled. After a moments’ pause, he cleared his throat and Addison heard some shuffling and the quiet sound of a door shutting. “We should talk to her Addie, you should talk to her.”
Addison could only shake her head. “Not like this Derek, she’s too fragile right now. I don’t want to complicate things for her at the moment.”
She could hear Derek sigh, “It’s not just about her you know. You love her too. You deserve to be able to hold her. To know that she is here for real, alive, and breathing, I know it’s killing you right now to not be able to” Derek was right but Addison was a coward.
“I can’t, she doesn’t love me Derek. She loves you. I saw her hurting so much when you chose me and I don’t want to put her through something like that again.”
“It’s not the same Addie. I know you don’t believe me, but she sees you Addie. She sees you like I did. And I promise that she is not going to break. We are here for her.” It wasn’t fair, Addison was hurting and there wasn’t much she felt she could do. She didn’t think it was as easy as Derek was saying it would be. Meredith was very young, and from what Addison knows, Derek is her first real relationship. She has abandonment issues and it would send her running from both of them the moment she feels insecure.
“I don’t want to hurt her Derek, please” she doesn’t know why she is pleading with him. All she knows is that Meredith almost died yesterday and Addison couldn’t breathe until she heard Miranda tell her that the blonde was breathing on her own. She knows, she currently wanted to be there holding the intern as tightly as she possibly could instead of lying on a hotel bed sleepless and terrified wondering if the blonde is still breathing or not.
She had decided that if she couldn’t have her eyes on the blonde at home, then she would make do with forcing Meredith onto her service for the foreseeable time of her recovery. At least this way the intern would be close to her for most of the day. It was not for Meredith’s sake; Addison knows she has plenty of people in her corner to keep an eye on her. But she can admit that this was purely a selfish need and she needed it like she needed oxygen.
“I won’t let her do any work. She can do my charts. Hell, I will make her re-write all my charts for the past month if it keeps her sitting still. Please Miranda.”
The resident’s eyes popped out just a little at the pleading tone to her voice. She could tell something was going on here and that that something is also something she needed to be protecting her intern from.
“I don’t know what is going on here, but I won’t let her go down any trips down memory lane that can ignite a desire in her to repeat yesterday’s incident.” She was right, of course she was. But Addison knows herself well enough to know she won’t be able to hear to reason today. Not after yesterday.
“I promise Miranda, I will explain it to you someday. But right now, in this moment I need Meredith on my service. I’ll keep her off her feet and I will make sure she gets the rest she needs.”
There was a whole minute of staring and contemplating and trying to figure out from what angle the resident felt she was being played at by the attending and when she drew a blank, she finally relented.
“Fine, but if even a single hair on that girls head is damaged at any point during today, I will come for you Addison.” Before Addison could reassure her, the short brunette was long gone muttering about what she did to deserve such a day.
She took off, the clack of her heels echoing through the halls with her victory. She knows exactly where the blonde was now and Addison was going to sweep her off straight to her office and keep her there for the rest of the day. She had called Richard early that morning to let him know that she would be slacking on her cases for today and he had not batted an eye.
She rounded the corner, walking past the trauma room Meredith had been treated in yesterday. It made the hairs on the back of her neck rise with discomfort. She walked faster and finally reached the interns locker room. Derek had already dropped a message early that morning letting her know that he and Meredith had come in and that she would be going to the lockers to change. He had also left a post script about the blonde’s particularly off mood. She could only guess what that was about and how it probably had to do with all the hovering everyone was doing. She could not blame any of them though.
She did not know she was clenching her jaw until her eyes finally landed on the intern in question. The blonde looked anything but okay. Anyone could see that she was still too exhausted to even be here today. Bailey and Richard had wanted to keep her in observation for another day or two but she had not wanted to hear to any of it. So, Derek had driven her home and assured everyone to bring her right back kicking and screaming if she even so much as whimpered.
“Dr. Grey, if you are done here, I would like you to follow me please. You are on my service today.” She said, after clearing her throat to announce her presence to her audience. The rest of the interns didn’t look particularly spritely either. Normally, having an attending barge into their space would have had them scrambling but today they were too exhausted and uncaring and just wanted to get through their day.
Meredith on the other hand, frowned “But I am on Dr. Bailey’s service today. She’s doing a lap chole.” Her twisted sister, Christina looked between her person and Addison with a certain amount of scepticism before shrugging and muttering something in Meredith’s ear and leaving. Addison refused to say anything until the rest of her batchmates scampered out.
Once they were alone, Addison relaxed her shoulders and really took a minute to look at the intern in front of her. She was holding herself stiffly, like if she let herself relax, she may crumble.
“Did you really think you would be allowed to scrub in on that today?” she asked waiting patiently as Meredith pouted just a little bit and shuffled her feet uncomfortably.
“No, but I could at least observe plus Dr. Shepherd said I could scrub in on his craniotomy tonight.” She was going to punch Derek. The mild anger on Addison’s face made Meredith want to backtrack clearly regretting what she had just told her. She pursed her lips and looked at Addison through those wide blue adorable eyes hoping Addison hadn’t realized that her boyfriend was going to let her actually scrub in on surgery when she could barely stand.
“Meredith,” she said softly. The intern was taken by surprise at her boyfriend’s ex-wife’s soft tone and use of first her name “You are not scrubbing in on any surgeries today. You need to rest. People are worried about you. You are on my service today because I have a slow day and you can help me with my charts.”
“But I am fine! I am alive and I didn’t die. And I do not need people to babysit me. I can work, you can give me real work.” she argued shoving her chin up in defiance.
Addison took a second to breathe because while she was starting to get mildly infuriated by the fact that the intern did not even realize the emotional impact her drowning had caused all the people around her, she was also aware that Meredith had been unconscious and genuinely did not know of the things that had transpired the day before. She was not aware that Derek had sat outside her trauma room almost inconsolable all the while refusing to get out of his soaked clothes. It took hours of coaxing by Mark to get him changed into something warmer. She was not aware of how Richard and Baily had tirelessly performed CPR on her petite body to keep her heart beating. She was not aware that her person had left, unable to stand the thought of Meredith’s demise. She was not aware of how her intern friends couldn’t bring themselves to move from the trauma doors. She was not aware of how Addison had almost fallen apart the moment she saw the blue body on the gurney.
“I am not here to argue Meredith. They performed hours of CPR on you yesterday. It’s a miracle at all that the chief let you walk out last night. I don’t know why Derek thought it’s a good idea to let you scrub in but that’s not happening. You have two choices, one – you stay on my service and work on my charts. Two – you go home and rest.”
She could see the intern wanted to scream at her. Meredith is well aware of how not okay she is but Addison knows there is currently more of a psychological aspect to this than physical. And whatever is troubling her, she is trying to avoid it with working tirelessly. Addison had checked the intern’s hours logged at work and was surprised to find that Meredith was barely taking time off recently. She had worked a full 36 hour shift before getting roped in on the triage.
The blonde shuffled her feet again, swallowed twice before looking up at Addison. Her eyes were glistening and it told the attending that she had said the right thing. Meredith’s walls were crumbling.
“I…It’s... okay, I’ll stay on your service” whatever Meredith wanted to say she couldn’t after seeing the look on Addison’s no-nonsense face.
“Good girl.”
She had left Meredith as promised to Bailey, in her office, on her couch with a bottle of water and a mound of charts. Now all she needed was to go find that idiot ex-husband of hers and punch him.
Just as she got off the elevator she bumped into a hard body “Red! Slow down, your girl is fine, isn’t she?” Fuck, she had forgotten about Mark catching her in tears yesterday after Derek had left to change.
“I don’t know about fine Mark, but she is holding on.” She said leaning against the wall and ready to defend herself once again to one of her best friends.
“I heard you fought Bailey for her this morning, mighty brave of you.” He said with a wink. Addison did not care if Mark knew that she was a goner for the blonde. What bothered her was that the blonde herself did not know yet and she did not want it reach her through someone else. She didn’t know if the blonde would reciprocate at all but she did not want to hurt the girl by creating a mound of confusion in her already complicated life.
“Mark, I love you. But if you ever speak of this to anyone I – “
“Woah, okay red, I am not going to run my tongue. She is special I get it.” Addison sighed in relief.
“Thank you Mark. Now, have you seen that stupid neurosurgeon of ours? I need to beat some sense into him.” The other attending only raised his eyebrows, shrugged, and said “He’s probably down at the ER. Heard there was a MVC”
“Thanks” she said taking off and checking her watch to determine how long she can safely leave Meredith unsupervised. She had about fifteen minutes to get to her consult and then about an hour of surgery. She had ordered the blonde to stay put until she comes back.
The neurosurgeon was busy checking the pupillary response of an unconscious victim of the MVC when she finally found him. He looked how she felt. Tired, pure exhaustion and worry marring his features. She pulled the door closed behind her catching his attention.
“She okay?” his immediate and first question was about his girlfriend. Addison nodded and gestured to the patient, silently asking if he was done and had a minute.
“Yeah, just give me a sec” he noted down something in the charts and then turned his full attention to her.
“You told her she can scrub in with you tonight? Derek she’s barely staying upright. What the hell is wrong with you?” it didn’t come out as biting as she thought but then again, she had softened the moment she spotted his weariness.
“She won’t rest otherwise Addie. I can’t get her to take the day off, hell I can’t even get her to take a painkiller.” He said throwing his hands around wildly. “She hasn’t even acknowledged her mother is dead yet. I am desperate here.” Well, that was the biggest concern of them all, Meredith hadn’t batted an eye when Derek told her, her mother Ellis Grey was dead.
“So your plan is to exhaust her into collapse?” he looked at her frenzied
“Of course not! I just want to make her feel like the world isn’t against her. Give her something she wants. Just for a moment. She is not used to people hovering and it making her uneasy. So, the only way I know how to take care of her is to trust that she knows what she wants.”
“Derek.”
He sighed running is fingers through his already messy hair “Fine, I know it’s a bad plan. But I do not know what to do. And speaking of bad plans, your plan to wait to tell her is worse than bad.”
“I am going to tell her. Just not yet.” She received an exasperated look from him for that but she knows it’s making him feel edgy too. They discussed some of the options but they both decided it wasn’t right to talk about this without involving Meredith. She needed to be a part of this discussion before anything could move forward between the three of them.
Derek put the chart down on the cart adjacent to him and gently pulled her by the hand outside of the examination room. Once in the corridor, he led her to an empty supply closet and closed the door behind them.
“Yesterday when she refused to stay back in the hospital I tried to reason with her by explaining to her how many people she had worried. When I mentioned your name, she scoffed Addie.”
“No hey listen to me” he said pulling her hand into his grip once again as he gently rubbed his thumb along her palm not letting her pick her nails out of the sadness that washed over her.
“You know what she asked me? She wanted to know what reason you had to even worry about her; in fact, she insisted that you would wish she would have rather died.” Addison’s breath hitched; she couldn’t stop the gentle gasp that left her mouth.
“She wanted an answer to that, I know she did but it’s not my place to tell her yet. She does like you, she just needs to know first that you don’t hate her. She has been beating herself about the fact that you do, it bothers her all the time. She worries all the time when she is on your service, she doesn’t sleep, she stays up all night trying to read up just so she can impress you. She’s trying the only way she knows how. But with Meredith you must be the one to make that first move.”
Addison’s heart was breaking, it must hard and confusing for the young intern with abandonment issues to be trying hard to please her boyfriend’s ex-husband. She knows Meredith is a brilliant student and will someday become a great surgeon. She just never thought the girl would be beating herself up about it just to prove to Addison that she’s good.
“She’s so young Derek, it scares me. I feel so protective yet so afraid. Thank you for telling me this. I’ll talk to her sometime soon I promise. But I don’t want to pile this on her at the moment, she has enough going on as it is.”
“Have you considered that maybe this is something that may help her with her current mental state? To know she is not abandoned and unloved but actually very much loved by two people?” Derek had A point. She knows of the argument Meredith had with Ellis the day before the accident. She knows and she watched from afar as Derek consoled the broken girl and the gossip spread like wildfire that The Ellis Grey had called her daughter a disappointment and ordinary. Her blood had boiled listening to the nurses talking to each other about it because she knew that it was true.
“I have a surgery in a couple minutes. I’ll be at it for at least an hour. She is in my cabin; will you check up on her while I am gone?” she asked him instead and Derek smiled at her knowing he had gotten through to her and nodded before giving her a gentle hug.
“We will take care of her Addie; she is going to be fine.”
Addison smiled back after letting him go “You know, you seem to be more lovable as an ex-husband.” She teased.
“Well, I think we just needed a little addition to our love.” He said smirking as he watched her go.
Addison’s surgery went splendidly. She was very pleased with her herself if she may say so. Her mind was pre-occupied with what Derek had told her but she was also able finish the procedure quicker than she had anticipated. Just as she passed by the nurses’ station, she found Dr. Yang looking restless and waiting for her, apparently.
“Dr. Yang what do you need?” she asked even if she knew what the intern wanted.
“You like her.” She said as a statement. Addison felt the need to explain but she held off trying to first gauge just how much Christina knew.
“Hmm”
“What happens if she doesn’t like you back?”
“Then I leave her be.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
The intern took a step in front of her, hands on her hips and looked up into her eyes and straight into her soul, it was disconcerting yet oddly comforting knowing that Meredith had such protective friends.
“She’s my person.”
“I know.”
“She likes you too.” Addison tried to hide that sudden spark of joy but failed miserably when the shorter women smirked at her.
“Has she said anything?” her heart was starting to race.
“Nope.” The intern almost sing-songed.
“Then how can you know?” she asked frustrated.
“I am her person.” That is all she got before the intern’s pager beeped and she took off in a run. But just as she turned the corner she yelled not so loudly “She needs more people in her corner. Those who will not hurt her.”
The attending knows the intern wasn’t accusing her or threatening her. Somehow, she knew that the intern was telling her that she knew Addison would not hurt Meredith and that she trusted her with her person. She just didn’t know why.
Addison almost giddily skipped her way back to her office, only stopping on the way to drop some charts off with a nurse and rattling out instructions for post-op care. All the happiness came to a halt however when she found the door to her cabin door slightly ajar and she heard her ex-husband’s voice rushed and instructing. She was gone for less than two hours, what had happened?
“- know it’s hard, but I need you to try for me okay?” she faltered a moment unsure of what was happening.
“Mer, look at me; follow my breathing. You are going to be fine.” That got Addison moving quickly, she pushed her way in before knocking twice on her own door so as to not startle the couple.
“What happened?” she asked as she hurriedly took in the scene in front of her.
“Panic attack.” Derek said as a way of explanation before letting Addison slide in next to him in front of the gasping blonde. She went into doctor mode quickly, before her own worry could take over and paralyze her from helping.
Meredith was sitting up on the couch, hunched in on herself, her hands were wrapped around her torso as she tried to control her breathing. It took less than a minute for Addison to figure out that the blonde’s breaths were hurting her physically. She was not able to draw in full breaths because of the sore ribs.
“Her ribs are hurting her. We need to help her breathe. Can you get us some oxygen?” she asked turning to Derek who only nodded and took off quickly. She then turned to Meredith, raised her hands in front of her “Meredith, can I touch you honey?” Meredith tried to say something but she was clearly still choking on her breaths. She then nodded aggressively at Addison, the panic and fear in her eyes broke Addison’s heart once again as she placed two of her fingers against the girl’s carotid. Not satisfied with what she was feeling, she shook her head and moved her fingers under the chin and directed Meredith to look at her.
“Has this happened before? The panic attacks?” Meredith’s hand came up and grabbed onto Addison’s tightly squeezing the fingers. She nodded, just a quick one. Now she knows how Derek had known what this was. If it wasn’t for Derek, Addison would have jumped straight into panic and worried that something was very seriously wrong.
“Then you know that this is going to pass. We are going to take it slow and one breath at a time, okay?” when she felt Meredith squeeze her fingers tighter, she moved closer to the blonde completely kneeling on the floor in front of her and pulled their linked hands to her chest.
“Eyes on me sweetheart” she coaxed, “we are going to inhale for five counts and then exhale for six, okay? Derek is going to be here any minute now.”
Meredith was not able to keep up and the attending could see the intern’s eyes getting hazy from the lack of oxygen. Just as Addison put her other hand on the blondes back, Derek came bursting through carrying an oxygen cylinder and mask. Meredith recoiled into Addison for a moment at the sudden movement next to her. That is when she felt the straps of Meredith’s bra.
“Oh honey,” she sighed, gently easing her hand out of Meredith’s.
Derek was working quickly, trying to get the mask on her and tweaking the canister. Addison stopped him just as he tried to place the mask on his girlfriend’s face.
“We need to get her out of her Bra” she said and understanding dawned immediately on Derek’s face. Addison was surprised the intern had even worn one considering the pain she must be in.
“Baby, can you lift your arms for me?” Derek asked as he made space on the couch pushing away the charts Meredith had been working on. The whimper that left the girls lips as she tried had Derek cursing himself for letting her skip her painkillers. “Addie, scissors?” he asked already going to her desk and pulling on the drawers.
“It’s on the bottom one. Bring me my white coat and steth.” He didn’t question her and brought her the items quickly.
“Addi..dd” Meredith said reaching for her. The terror on her face when she realized that they were going to cut her out of her clothes in an open room with large glass windows scared her.
“I know, I know, Derek is going to close the blinds, okay? It’s okay we have got you honey. You just concentrate on breathing.” She said to the panicked girl, easing her hands away from herself so Derek could cut through them.
“Oh my god” Addison’s face fell looking at the damage. She pulled back for a moment paralyzed as she realized how bad it was. The intern’s entire torso was bruised a deep blue with scattered patches of green and red.
“Mer, can you lean forward a little for me?” she did, her hands reaching out to Addison automatically to stabilize herself. Derek gently but efficiently undid the clasp on her bra and just like that Meredith could breathe better already. Addison was still frozen, utterly in shock at how the girl had managed to hide all of this from the eyes of people in the hospital since morning.
“Put the mask on her, I’ll go shut the blinds.” Derek said leaving them both alone for a second.
“C..c..cold” Meredith stuttered and it snapped Addison back into the present and she quickly guided the hanging bra out through Meredith’s arms and shoved it behind her on the coffee table.
“Hang on for just a minute.” She said and gently but firmly grasped both her arms near her shoulders and guided her to lay down on the couch. She then pulled her legs up as well and undid the knot on Meredith’s scrub pants to loosen them around her waist.
Grabbing the mask, she pulled the strap around the intern’s head and secured it over her mouth and nose. Meredith immediately fought against it, the continuous flow of oxygen not matching her short bursts of shallow breathing. “Give it a second, don’t fight it, Meredith. It will feel better in a minute.” she said brushing the sweaty hair from her pale ashen face. Derek had come back, his movements fidgety as he tried to help calm her down. He was scared, Addison had never seen him so unsure around someone needing medical assistance.
“Deep breaths baby, I know it hurts. I will page Bailey to get you something for the pain, okay?” he told her and then turned to Addison “is it better to move her to an exam room?” Before the OBGYN could respond Meredith shot up shaking her head and pulling at the mask. Both the attendings startled and held her down, trying not to let her hurt herself further.
“Okay, hey we won’t do anything you don’t want to. But are you saying no to Bailey or the examination room?” Derek asked and when Meredith only panicked some more Addison decided both can wait.
“Let’s get her breathing right first and then she can tell us” She said gently drawing the still gasping girls attention. The oxygen was helping, both could see the color change in her pale face already. Her skin however was cold to the touch and Addison picked up her white coat and draped it over the intern tucking it around her shoulders. She then carefully maneuvered the bell of her stethoscope under the coat and listened to see if she could find anything abnormal. She was worried about any breaks in the ribs and wanted to make sure they were not dealing with anything else that may require immediate attention. Once she was satisfied, she pulled it off her ears and put it away.
“Meredith, Honey” she called out gently drawing her attention again “You are going to be okay sweetheart. You hear me?” the intern nodded jerkily, she was losing her strength, her movements were becoming less panicked and more lethargic. Which was good, it meant the flight or fight response was slowing down.
It took another five minutes before her breathing came down to something akin normal. Derek’s gentle movements of his hand in her hair and Addison’s soft reassuring voice was lulling her to sleep. Only when her eyes closed and her breath evened out did they both relax. Neither realized how much tension they were carrying.
“What the hell happened?” she almost growled, albeit quietly eyes still not leaving the rise and fall the intern’s chest. Derek didn’t deserve that, but she couldn’t help herself. She was scared, terrified and only just coming down from her own adrenaline spike. It left her angry for no reason.
“I am not sure. I came to check in on her and she seemed pretty upset to begin with. She wanted in on my afternoon surgery. I said no and she started yelling.” Derek said, as he continued brushing his fingers soothingly through Meredith’s hair. “I then made the mistake of suggesting she take a nap.”
“She needs medical supervision. Do you know why she is resisting?” she asked hoping he might know; “was she this way when she had her appendectomy?” maybe if they knew what her problem was they could help her.
“No, she seemed fine. But then again I was not with her during that period. I also don’t remember her fighting anyone about her care.” Addison had fond memories of that day, Meredith was adorably talkative and less guarded in general on morphine.
Addison sighed, pulling her coat tighter around the passed-out intern. This wasn’t how she had envisioned her first time seeing Meredith anywhere near naked to be and she hated that Meredith did not have much of a say in it either. “We should get her admitted again. I don’t mind being the bad guy here if it means she is being taken care of.” Derek smiled sadly at her.
She got up from her knees, brushed her scrubs off and stretched a little. She was unfortunately not as young as the girl on her couch. Her knees were not so forgiving. “I’ll go get Bailey. Ask for a nurse to help get her a room and situated.” No sooner was Addison done talking, Meredith whimpered and reached out for her
“No please” came her rusty voice. Meredith very carefully cuddled into the coat trying to find a more comfortable position while Addison stared her at her wide eyed and surprised. “Don’t go.”
“Baby,” Derek tried but Meredith shook her head, reaching out to Addison once again and when she took her hand she was tugged forward by the intern.
The OBGYN sighed, and settled back down in front of the blonde. “You know, Bailey is going to kill me. I promised her you would be returned to her without any damages.” She said smiling, trying to lighten the mood.
Meredith chuckled at that, and then quietly said “I am sorry.”
“Hmm well, you could make it up to us by telling us what’s going on in that head of yours.” Addison quickly took the opening. At that Meredith dropped Addison’s hand and quickly retracted it back into the coat. From her peripheral, Addison could see Derek getting agitated.
“Okay, here is what we are going to do.” She said, reaching behind her for her phone.
“Derek is going to go grab some lunch before his surgery –“
“Addie I am not leaving her- “Addison put a finger up asking him to hear her out.
“Derek is going to go grab some lunch before his surgery and I am going sit here with Meredith until she feels well enough to let me get her readmitted.” Derek seemed to understand what Addison was trying to do and he nodded getting on board. Meredith on the other hand, looked scared of what was to come and tried to pull away her oxygen mask and protest.
“Let’s give that five more minutes, okay?” Addison said gently but firmly and restrained the intern’s hands. “Derek, I have got her. I also need you to find Bailey and let her know.”
Meredith looked mostly confused and unsure as Derek kissed her on the forehead and listened to Addison and left. “I’ll see you in a couple hours, I love you” Meredith nodded and then watched him leave.
Addison had realized that it was time for her to step in, intervene and get things done. Because Meredith was clearly not okay and Derek was an emotional wreck and between the two attendings, Addison was always the one who could work better with emotions.
Derek knows that, he knows Addison, loves her like family and trusts her with his girlfriend.
She didn’t say anything for the next five minutes, just sat there next to the intern on the floor while Meredith continued to stare at the door Derek had closed behind him. The attending kept an eye on the blondes breathing rate as she quickly and efficiently sent out a page to Yang asking her to bring some new scrubs for Meredith. She wasn’t sure if the intern would come immediately or not but it didn’t matter. She then sent out an email to the chief about Meredith’s sick leave for the upcoming week. She knows that once Miranda hears from Derek, the resident would take care of the rest.
After placing her phone down next to her she finally turned her complete attention to the girl on the couch. “Feeling better?” she asked, reaching out to grab her wrist and feel her pulse. Meredith startled a little bit clearly having been lost in her head for the five minutes.
Once Addison was happy with her pulse rate, she dropped her wrist and instructed Meredith to lift her head so she could slide the mask off. She then got up, walked to her table, and picked up her bottle of lemon juice she had brought in with her that morning and then grabbed her penlight.
“My vagina is fine.” Addison almost dropped the bottle and tripped over her feet.
“Excuse me?” she asked, as she froze a step away from the intern.
“It’s the same light you use to examine your patient’s vaginas” the relief that crashed through Addison was almost palpable. The intern was making a joke, she was lying there on the couch, half naked, having scared the life out of Addison with the massive panic attack and now was cracking jokes.
“Hilarious” she said taking the last step to the girl and placing the items on the coffee table behind her. “You want to sit up?” she asked already helping the blonde to do so. Addison’s white coat slipped down before either of them could realize.
“Quite the bruising you have got there. Derek tells me you refused pain killers. Can I ask why?” she asked refusing to acknowledge the blush that was travelling up Meredith’s neck and her own cheeks as she took the coat, straightened it out and held the arms open so Meredith can slip her arms through it. It was very big on her but Meredith did not seem to mind as Addison buttoned it up, then folded the arms a little as they were too long and it worked well enough to cover her modestly.
“I get loopy on them.” She said as if that was reason enough.
“Not being in pain is worth it in my opinion.” Addison said as she unscrewed the bottle of juice and handed it over “Finish the whole bottle.” She instructed.
Meredith took a few tentative sips and then obediently followed the attending’s instructions of looking this way and that as Addison examined her pupillary response.
“Dr. Montgomery” the intern asked suddenly sounding unsure and small as Addison wrote down Meredith’s vitals on a piece of paper for later.
“Yes, Meredith?” she asked without looking up knowing exactly what was coming.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Does my intern really not understand the importance of vitals?” she asked still not looking up, she felt Meredith shift around a little and when she put her unfinished bottle down Addison reached for it and gave it back to her “Finish” she ordered.
Meredith took the bottle from her but continued to stare at Addison waiting for a reply. Addison sighed and finally relented knowing she needs to have this conversation now.
“You nearly died Meredith.” But she clearly had said the wrong thing because Meredith’s face went blank and she looked closed off in the blink of an eye.
“It was an accident!” the sudden burst of anger from her stoic face took Addison by surprise. The attending on the other hand held her calm and tried to be as gentle as she could when she said -
“I believe you.”
The blonde’s head shot up and Addison internally cringed at the whiplash. Meredith suddenly looked like she was going to break down. It was anything but amusing to watch the intern’s emotions change rapidly in seconds. Her breathing was picking up again and it worried Addison about her mental state. At this rate Meredith will eventually need a psych consult; everyone knew it but no one was sure how to bring it up.
“But you shouldn’t, nobody does! And Derek won’t stop hovering and the attendings won’t let me in on their surgeries and my mother thinks I am worthless and she never wanted me and then she died! ...an. d I hate it – her…e now because everyone stares at me like I am crazy and you don’t even like me and you are being so nice to me and … I don’t ..I..” oh okay, there it was.
As much as Addison wanted nothing but to let the girl vent everything out, the intern was spiraling into a second panic attack and that was not good. She quickly got up and pulled the bottled of juice from Meredith’s hand that she was wildly swinging around and then sat down next to her on the couch and simply pulled her in for a hug.
Meredith went rigid in her hold, her rant stopping abruptly.
“Slow , deep breaths, one panic attack is enough for today don’t you think?” she asked smiling lightly as the blonde seemed to respond well to the touch. Ever so slowly, Addison re-adjusted them so that she wasn’t putting any pressure on the girl’s bruised ribs.
“You ha..ate me” her voice was quivering.
“I don’t hate you.”
“Why not?” at this Addison finally pulled back but kept an arm on the interns back.
“Look at me Meredith” she asked and when the blonde looked up with tears in her eyes she said “I don’t hate you sweetheart.”
“oh, but…..” she rubbed her back gently, as Meredith sputtered for a few more seconds unsure of anything.
“I know things have been confusing and difficult for you lately. I am sorry I complicated that. My marriage with Derek was long over before you were in the picture and I never hated you. I do not want you to ever think that.” Meredith didn’t seem to understand but that was okay, there were too many things in her mind right now and Addison’s priority was to get the intern to calm down.
“As for your mother, she was a great surgeon everyone knows that but I am so sorry that she was anything but a good mother to you. There is no excuse for that and you did not deserve that. Nothing she said is true. You are worth it Meredith Grey.” That made the intern look up in shock and Addison gently grasped her chin holding her blue eyes to her green ones. “Your mother did not know you. She has been absent for the past several years; how is it possible for her to know how good a surgical intern you are today? Hmm? “
The tears did drop then but Addison had more to say “The people here, they are staring not because they think you are crazy but because you were a miracle. You were dead for several hours Meredith, but here you are today.”
She gently wiped the free-flowing tears with her thumb and continued “I know that right now you won’t believe me when I say this; but the entire surgical floor came to a standstill when they heard who was being resuscitated behind those doors. People care sweetheart, you make a difference here. You don’t need your mother to tell you that. You have the evidence.”
Meredith’s lower lip dropped to say something but Addison was still not finished, so she ran a thumb across the trembling lip effectively stopping any words that may be stuttered out in denial “Derek is hovering because he is scared and he feels responsible. He told me about your incident in the bathtub Meredith.” The blonde’s eyes widened. “Just me, no one else knows.” She re-assured her.
“He feels responsible because he knew you were not okay but thinks he did not push you enough to find out. He loves you so much and he only wants to make sure you are okay. He also told me you are a good swimmer and before you say anything I want you to know that still believe you; I know it was an accident. But,”
Meredith whimpered ever so slightly at the but, Addison would have missed it if she wasn’t looking directly into the intern’s eyes.
“At some point in the water you stopped fighting didn’t you sweetheart?” it was said with such soft conviction that Meredith couldn’t find her words, she knew Addison was right, the attending had seen right through her and it was terrifying.
The shaking started again, Meredith’s entire frame was trembling and Addison knew she had broken the walls completely.
“I d.. idnt..but , ev-ry..ng” the intern was gasping again “to, sor -ry, I am sorry! I just please do-.. ” Addison was holding her tight now, tighter than before.
“I know, It’s okay honey. It’s okay, Meredith. We are going to get through this. You are going to be fine. You hear me? It’s going to be okay.”
“Promise?” came the small voice.
“I Promise.” She said smoothing the hair out of the intern’s face.
“You want to take some nice deep breaths for me?” Meredith nodded burying her face in Addison’s chest. “Good, good girl. Follow my breathing.” It didn’t take much to get her breathing normally again. This time though, Meredith clung to Addison like a lifeline.
Eventually, the room went quiet and Addison fought her own tears wanting to stay strong for Meredith. The intern had just admitted that she had indeed given up on her life and it was beyond painful and heartbreaking.
After a few more minutes as the sniffles and trembling stopped Addison gently pulled away and brushed the remnants of tears from Meredith’s face with her palms. Meredith looked about ready to collapse.
“Shall we call Dr. Bailey and find you a room?” she asked hoping there won’t be more resistance.
“I can go home.” Came the breathy reply.
“I’ll tell you what, we will get some quick tests done on you and after if Dr. Bailey thinks you are fine then I will drive you home. Sound good?” Meredith nodded reluctantly but that was enough for Addison.
Addison reached for her phone and sent a page to Bailey conveying to come and find the intern and attending duo in her cabin. Just as she hit send, there was a knock on the door.
“Dr. Montgomery, is she okay? I have the scrubs you asked for, sorry I didn’t check your page sooner I was in surgery with Dr. Burke.” Yang, someone she had never seen speak with such softness, walked in slowly, unsure of what she was interrupting.
Meredith perked up a little bit and then ever so slightly tucked herself closer to Addison.
“Yang. You are right on time.” As Christina rounded the couch and finally laid eyes on Meredith, she was a little surprised to find her friend tear streaked and pale. She did a quick once over around the duo and noted the discarded charts on the floor and the oxygen cylinder and mask and of course Meredith’s scrubs in tatters.
“What happened?” she asked eerily reminiscent to Addison’s question when she first walked in on Derek and Meredith just a couple hours ago.
“She had a not so little panic attack. But she is okay now.” Addison said smiling at Meredith.
“Oh, Mer why didn’t you call me, what can I do?” Addison relinquished her hold on the intern and got up, leaving space for Meredith’s person to take over for a few minutes. She let them both chatter about how Meredith ended up in Addison’s coat and why her bra was lying on the table while she studiously ignored them and cleaned up around her. As she was cleaning up, Miranda came in and all was right again.
“Grey, I swear to go god, if I find out that you have hurt yourself further, you will be on scut for the rest of your intern year.” There was no bite to the tone but both the interns who were now huddled up on Addison’s couch straightened up.
“I am fine Dr. Bailey.” Meredith said, her voice steadier and Addison was just glad.
“Well let me be the judge of that.” She said then turning to Addison who was now leaning against the table. “Am I going to find any hairs on her head damaged?” Addison chuckled and Bailey instantly picked up on the fact that Addison looked much more relaxed, like a weight had just been lifted off of her.
“I am hoping Derek briefed you. She needs a chest x-ray; I am worried she may have cracked some ribs. Her vitals are on there, I want her stats monitored over the next three hours and reported to me every hour.” she pointed to the piece of paper on the coffee table in front of the couch “Check her oxygen saturation, she may need some help. Oh, and Bailey, can you get her started on some IV fentanyl?”
“Mer!” Christina exclaimed shocked to hear the attending’s findings. Meredith looked less enthused and tried to hide away into the couch.
“I don’t need the fentanyl. It’s not that bad.” Meredith said only to be hushed by Bailey.
“I have to follow my attending’s orders Grey, just like you lot have to follow mine.” Addison was impressed, now that’s a good resident. Meredith grumbled some as Bailey barked orders at Yang to get things started who scrambled out quickly.
“Can I leave her here for a little while longer while I pull up her chart and have the nurses secure a room?” she asked
“Of course. Thank you, Miranda.” Meredith knew there was something she was missing between the two of them because just before Bailey left, she smiled at the both of them and muttered something that made Addison blush.
“What was that about?” Meredith asked once they were alone again, apparently feeling more like herself.
“Nothing for you to worry about.” Addison dismissed. “You want to change into something more fashionable?” she asked smirking at the intern and holding up the scrubs her friend had brought in.
“I don’t think I can lift my arms.” She said, looking away.
“I don’t need the fentanyl, she says” Addison mocked.
“Dr. Montgomery, that’s not fair.” Meredith said whining just a little and that’s when Addison realized just how young Meredith was. The intern was just shy of 27 years and here Addison was nearing her forties and falling in love with this girl a decade younger. She wondered if Derek felt the same way.
“Were you worried you would admit something you didn’t want to while on the drugs?” she asked, not bothering to sugar coat her way of questioning. They were well past that now.
The lack of answer was answer enough. “I’ll stay with you the whole time you are on the fentanyl. That way you don’t have to worry because I’ll be there to intercept. Okay?”
Meredith didn’t know how to respond to that, on one hand it was clear she was relieved to have gotten some things off her chest and glad that it was Addison that she had opened up to but on the other hand it was confusing her to be wanting her boyfriend’s ex-wife to be there for her in her most vulnerable state. Seeing the confusion mar the blonde’s face, the attending decided to clue her in.
“I can tell you have some questions for me. So, I am going to say some things to which I want you to listen to but I also want you to know that you are not expected to reciprocate in any which way at this moment. You are having a difficult day and I really don’t wish to add to that, but I think at this point it’s only confusing you more than it’s helping.” Meredith nodded and she carefully schooled her facial expressions to keep it from showing because apparently Addison is able to read her like an open book.
Addison sat down on the coffee table in front of the blonde before reaching out and brushing a stray hair and tucking it behind the blonde’s ear. It only helped motivate her when the blonde seemed to want to lean into her touch rather than be repulsed. Maybe Christina was right after all.
“When I first came here to Seattle, I wanted my husband back. I was willing to do anything, I hurt him so terribly and all I wanted was for him to forgive me.” Meredith nodded, and Addison could see the flash of insecurity in the blue eyes.
“Then I saw you, this doe-eyed, young girl looking at my husband like he had just hung the moon. I didn’t understand it at first, I thought I was jealous. I requested you on my service to try and figure out what it was about you that my husband liked that I didn’t have.” Meredith seemed to want to burrow into Addison’s coat, “But you surprised me, you were smart and funny and so strong for putting up with what I was doing to you.”
“Derek, he never hid his love for you from me. We tried Meredith, God knows we tried to save our marriage but at the end of the day it was obvious why Derek had fallen for you. It took me some time but I finally realized that I was not jealous of you but of Derek. I realized that through the past few months, my obsession over saving my marriage led me to know you better. I saw you through Derek’s eyes when he used to tell me about you. I watched you all the time, watched you survive a bomb, watched you date our vet.” Addison chuckled at that because it was so absurd “and somewhere along the way, Meredith grey, I fell for you.”
“Oh” realization dawned on the blondes face but Addison held up her hand to not say anything just yet.
“I thought it was ridiculous at first and you were everywhere all the time. I couldn’t find it in myself to let you go, so I spoke to Derek and he let me in on a little secret.” At that Meredith knew exactly what she was talking about and the intern’s face turned a shade of pink Addison had never seen on her.
“I told Derek you were leggy and fabulous.” Meredith said breathily.
“You did.” Addison smiled at her warmly, the attending wanted to wrap this girl up in her arms.
“Then you pulled yesterday’s stunt, and my heart shattered sweetheart.” She held Meredith’s gaze hoping to convey just how bad it had been for Addison to watch her die.
It took a full minute for Meredith to process everything and then it took her three seconds exactly to get up and throw herself against Addison.
“Easy, don’t hurt yourself.” Addison said, but wrapped hers around the blonde anyway. She wasn’t sure what the blonde had concluded but so far it was an outcome Addison liked.
After a second, Meredith gripped Addison tighter as if she was afraid the older woman would let her go when she confessed “but Derek, I.. I think I love him” she said suddenly so unsure but Meredith’s grip on her was obvious that she felt something for the attending too. Not wanting to put Meredith through another wringer of emotions, she pulled back and sat Meredith comfortably on her lap.
“Derek and me, we discussed a little. We didn’t want to make any decisions without you. So, it’s up to you sweetheart. You tell us what you want. But we both love you and we are okay to share. We are also okay to love you together. If that is something you want.” She said gently rubbing the intern’s back.
Something in Meredith’s posture changed and she completely melted against the older woman as if what Addison had told her had taken a huge weight off. So, Meredith had thought about this after all.
“I’ll reiterate again, you don’t have to reciprocate right now. You take all the time you need. Whatever you want, okay? Neither me nor Derek will push you. But I have two more things to say,” she said, pulling up Meredith’s chin as she had done previously to look at her .
“One, I think Derek would like to talk to you about this, just the two of you. I know he’s been waiting to talk to you about it but didn’t want to until I spoke to you first.” Meredith nodded, seemingly okay with that being the first step.
“And the other thing?” she asked sweetly, her fingers had come up to dance across Addison’s arm holding her chin.
“And the other thing, is that I think you look positively hot wrapped up in my coat.” She had been dying to say that to the intern. It was a possessive feeling and Addison was loving it.
Meredith blushed further, but apparently the intern was thinking along the same lines when she shyly said “It smells like you, that’s why I didn’t want to change into the scrubs.”
“Hmm and when I get it back, it’s going to smell like you.” She said pulling Meredith back into her and tucking the blonde’s head against her neck.
“I am glad you are still here with us today. Thank you for not dying.” She said quietly into the blonde’s hair. Addison wanted nothing more than to kiss her now but she knew it wasn’t fair to the intern. She wanted Meredith to be sure and she wanted to give her time to process and if necessary, Addison will wait as long as it takes.
They sat there wrapped up in each other for a few more moments until Christina came back ready to take the bruised girl in her arms to have her ribs x-rayed.
This time Meredith did not put up much of a fight.