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Dean didn't know how long it had been since Cas had disappeared that first night. It seemed like the nights and days sort of blurred together in some sort of never ending greyness. The only thing that was noticeable was when it became night, everything got more terrifying. Purgatory wasn't as painful as Hell was, Dean thought, but it was slightly more dangerous. The onslaught of attacks never seemed to stop. He had taken to building a small fire each night when it got dark for two reasons. One, to melt the aching chill in his bones that seemed to collect with the endless wandering, and two, to find some semblance of normality until he could find his way back to Cas.
Dean spent most of his time at the fire staring into the pits of the flame, finding where darkness brought light and watching the wood glow and burn. It was here that he prayed. It started the night after Cas vanished with a simple "Where the fuck did you go, Cas?" but as the endless night dragged on, Dean felt the need to pray deeper.
"Cas, buddy..." Dean began. "I don't know where you are. I've been searching for you. I need you, Cas. You abandoned me, and I am so lost without you. This place..." He chuckled, shaking a shiver lose as he talked. "This place is huge. I've been looking for you for I don't know how long. I'm hoping you can hear me..." Dean squeezed his eyes shut, sending out his feelings of loneliness. "Please come find me, Cas." He rubbed his hands together and spread them out over the warmth of the fire. Dean sighed deeply.
He didn't have much to pass the time, besides hunting. It seemed like he never got tired, he never slept and he was never hungry. Which was probably a good thing, there didn't seem like there was much to eat besides whatever creature he killed. He was thankful not to run into anything he couldn't handle, though things would be easier if he was more well equipped. He had some makeshift weapons, things he stole from the dead, but not much else.
"Every night, Cas..." He began again. It was almost desperation at that point. "Every night, I sit here and I build this fire. I know it's risky, but it's the only thing I can think of. If you find my fire, you'll find me..." He almost whispered the end. It didn't matter who or what could hear him. He wanted to find his angel, his guardian angel. The man who had protected him, the angel who had saved him. More and more, Dean found himself absentmindedly stroking the scar of Castiel's hand print on his shoulder. The one permanent mark of their connection.
He knew he didn't sleep, but he saw the "dawn" approach. The sky changed from black to a lighter grey, letting him see the dreary forest around him again. That night, he kept his fire going all night in hope. Cas never showed. Dean got up, stomped out the fire, tied all of his gear back on and began to trudge in a new direction. Every step he took, he hoped it would lead him closer to the man he had begun to long for.
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Castiel winced into the darkness as Dean's voice crept into his head again. "I need you, Cas..." echoed painfully and he pulled his dirty trench coat around him a little tighter. More than anything, Cas wanted to just appear to Dean and tell him everything but he still didn't know how to explain. The Leviathan were pissed at the mortal's bravado. They wanted him dead... or at least severely maimed so anything else in this forsaken place to claim him. He could hear them whispering plans between Dean's prayers.
Cas shuddered out a sigh and ran a hand through his shaggy hair. It had been about two weeks since he had left Dean to fend for himself. He wouldn't have done it knowing Dean would probably just die the moment he was gone, so the guilt wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. It still weighed heavy on the angel's slim shoulders.
It hurt Cas every time he heard Dean pray. He wanted to just appear and see that look on Dean's face. This time it would probably be different though, he thought. He could see Dean's face twist into anger and yell at him, demanding to know where he had been and why he had left. His prayers were always heard, and at the beginning they were just that. Angry and hateful. Cursing the angel, defaming him. It was a part of loss, of grief, Cas knew. The last few prayers had been different. Cas knew he could deal with the brute force of Dean, but this softness and pleading was entirely different. He could only remember a handful of occasions where Dean was actually sympathetic or sorry and not just faking it or letting it immediately morph into anger.
It was breaking him. Over the many years he had gotten to know Sam and Dean, he had also learned feelings. More or less. As an angel, he could feel love and compassion. Shame and sadness, but this idea of a "broken heart" was brand new. He knew, biologically, that a human's heart could not break. It could stop or rupture, but breaking distinctly conjured the image of something fragile. The human heart was robust... and yet with every day, an ache had started to form in his chest and grow larger every time he heard those quiet prayers whispered, deep in the darkness.
Cas sighed and stood. The poor excuse for daylight was beginning to surface and he had to keep running. The Leviathan were tracking him, and he was trying to stay as many steps ahead of them so they wouldn't find Dean. They seemed to have a harder job finding him at night, which was odd. Still, Cas chose a direction and began to walk, mostly because flying made it too easy to be seen above the trees.
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Dean didn't know how long he had been walking. There was no sun or shadows to track. No moss or plant life to follow in a direction. From time to time, he occasionally heard a river or a stream but he usually just blotted it out as white noise. Today was a little different. Usually he would have killed several monsters by now, torturing each one until finally killing them out of mercy when they would admit they hadn't seen his better half. He must have been fortunate in his direction choice since he was running across nothing.
Every so often, a shadow would chase the periphery of his vision but when he tried to focus, it turned out to be nothing. He could hear branches snap in this distance and bushes rustle from a long way off. There wasn't much noise pollution here. When it was quiet, it was suffocating. Dean had noticed that because of this, his sensitivity to sound had become almost cat-like. It was almost like he could hear for miles. Which is why a shadow in the distance surprised him. He had looked away for a second, then behind a tree there was a shadow, like it had appeared there. Dean did a double take.
"Cas?" He whispered to himself. "CAS!" He shouted to the distance. The shadow didn't move. "CAS! IS THAT YOU?" Dean shouted across the distance between him and the figure. He saw it shift and he picked up the pace toward the unmoving figure.
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Seeing all and knowing all could get kind of dull, Cas thought. He did miss Dean. And Sam. And Earth. Humans, the biofeedback, the buzz of life. Purgatory was like death in comparison. Cas tisked his tongue at himself, knowing that Death was never one to be thought of as boring. For the first time, the angel found himself lost in thought as he traversed through the trees. It had been a quiet morning. No running, no danger, no Leviathan. His nerves were on edge, waiting for something to happen but the dangerous something never came. He came to a tree that looked sort of torn up. Humans would assume a bear or a cougar of some kind would have marked the tree in such a way, but Cas knew they were far from any animal like that. He paused to examine it, trying to figure out how old it was, how far either in or out of danger he was. Then, the sound slammed into his mind.
The thought was loud, even though Cas knew it was probably spoken quietly. His own name, like a shot, made his eyes fly up ahead of him. "Dean..." He murmured. Then he heard it with his ears. It had been so long since that last prayer, but even longer since the sound had touched his ears instead of his mind. Cas' eyes flew open in a panic. Dean was close, too close. How could he have gotten so careless? Cas froze in place, trying to will Dean away, but there is no messing with free will. Cas' breath hitched as he saw the study figure start heading for him at an increased pace. Maybe Dean's primal lizard brain wouldn't see him if he stood still enough, he hoped.
As Dean got ever closer, Cas knew he should run or dissapear, or something but an undefinable reason kept him rooted in place. He felt confusion pass across his face at his own inability to move. Dean had broke into a small trot at this point, and Cas could feel the relief and joy from him as he got closer. The emotions from the chemistry of the human brain were keeping him from moving, that much he knew. What Cas didn't know was how happy he was to see a familiar face and not just a monster. A face he protected, saved and truly cared for. As much as a divine being could care for a lesser species. He watched Dean pause about five feet from him, a stance not only for protection but to lessen the blow if Cas actually turned out to be a mirage.
"Cas?" Dean questioned. Cas brought his gaze up to meet Dean's glass green eyes.
"Dean." He responded firmly, but quietly.
"Are you real? Standing there? Or have I finally lost my damn mind?" Dean took a few step closer.
"I'm here, Dean. I'm real." Cas answered, squaring himself up for the verbal lashing that was about to take place. It never came. Cas' eyes widened as Dean took a seemingly small number of steps toward him to pull him into a tight embrace. For a moment, neither of them even breathed and Cas didn't move as Dean squeezed him a little tighter. Probably making sure he was there, Cas hummed to himself. Dean slowly slid himself off the angel, but left a hand on his shoulder.
"Cas, I've been... I've been trying to find you." Dean admitted. Cas squinted a little, trying to convince himself that tears were forming in Dean's eyes weren't actually there. Cas didn't know if he could lie to his friend. He finally shuddered out a sigh.
"I know, Dean. I've been trying to protect you." He said in the smallest voice above a whisper.
"Protect me? Hell, Cas! If anyone thinks I need protectin', they got another thing coming." A grateful sob of relief gave way into a smile. He was trying to turn this into a joke, which Cas did not find at all amusing.
"Leviathan, Dean. They've been after us since we got here. I've managed to keep them chasing me and away from you." He pulled back from Dean a half step, watching the man's hand fall away. "I didn't want to see you get hurt, I never do." The angel confessed. He felt the snarl growing in Dean before he saw it.
"Hurt? You left me alone here, Cas. How is that not hurting me, huh?" Dean demanded, closing the gap between them. He wasn't yelling, but his tone was incredibly stern. He softened slightly. "I've been praying to you, Cas." He offered, his green eyes searching the deep blue pools before him.
"I know, Dean." It's all Cas could respond. They were both silent for a moment. Cas could feel Dean reeling at the confession he just made. Cas broke eye contact and stared down at the forest floor. The silence between them and around them was deafening.
The touch was so light, it took Cas a moment to realize it was even happening. A hand grazing the stubble on his human cheek. The angel let his eyes close, if only to cement in his mind that this was happening. The touch grew a little firmer as a thumb stroked along his chin. His eyes raised to see Dean watching his own hand, and then as suddenly as there was space, there was none. It was a whisper of a kiss, something small and non-committal but so powerful. In a single moment, everything seemed to melt away and all Cas could grasp was the small connection keeping them from falling.
What felt like forever actually took seconds and before Dean could pull away, Cas returned the kiss with wanton abandon. Cas wrapped one hand around Dean's wrist and the other around his waist to keep them still in this moment. He ran his tongue over Dean's lower lip, seeking entrance and they both groaned as the hunter let him in. Years of tension and desire crashed down on top of them, leaving them both breathless as they finally parted. They both wanted to say something but couldn't quite find words, instead they stood there waiting for the other to speak.
When no words would come, they finally came together again and kissed softly. Taking the time to explore each other, clinging and grasping for purchase on whatever clothing they could find. Cas slid his hands underneath the shoulders of Dean's jacket and slid it off his arms, soon after Dean copied the movement. Whatever this was, neither of them had any idea. They just kept moving forward. All the unsaid words and the longing looks had finally broken like a dam, and they were both just riding out the tide. Dean's arms circled around the angel's waist and pulled them together. They both gasped as the clothed heat of their erections finally coming in contact.
"Cas..." Dean growled deeply, burying his face in the angel's shoulder, kissing up his neck to behind his ear. Cas held him close, enjoying the sensation of that wet heat on his skin. Cas pushed his hands underneath the hem of Dean's shirt, searching for skin and so much more. The cascading need between them was going to end in both of them falling apart, that much Cas knew. Dean's hands were sliding down his back, mirroring his actions as if one was leading the other. The blind can't lead the blind... Cas thought as Dean's hands cupped over his ass and dragged him forward, keeping the friction going between them.
Neither of them really knew what happened, but suddenly they were in a tangle of arms and legs on the cushy forest floor, pulling and thrusting at each other wildly. Their quiet symphony was quickly leading to a ground breaking crescendo as dirty clothing was being pulled of their bodies by each other. Being anywhere like Hell or Purgatory, there was no such thing as cleanliness or hygiene. Everything seemed to be filthy, whether it was dust or grime, there was no way to keep perfectly clean. It didn't seem to matter to the two beings writhing and rutting wildly against one another, stealing kisses and bites on whatever flesh they could reach.
Romance and exploration went out the window and was replaced with needs and wants. Purgatory wasn't the place for love, both of them knew that. It didn't seem to change their path though. Dean's hands made quick work of Cas' belt buckle and zipper. Cas arched his back and let out an unholy moan and Dean's skilled fingers wrapped themselves around his cock and let it into the free air. Their mouths were other wise occupied as that hand started to slowly stroke him. Their mouths finally broke apart for Cas to gasp out Dean's name with what breath he had left. Dean's head was buried in his neck, biting and sucking and intent on leaving a mark. This angel was his and was going to be forever, especially when they got out of there.
Cas scrambled at the fly of Dean's jeans and he felt the man's breath hitch as his own pale fingers wrapped around Dean and stroked him once. Dean pulled away after much debate and sat up on his knees, pulling his pants and underwear down around his hips. The magnetic force between them pulled them back together and it was Dean this time who moaned the loudest. Cas let a smile cross his face as their naked cocks finally found each other and Cas felt like he was back home. He was able to open his eyes through the blinding pleasure long enough to see Dean reach his hand up to his mouth and lick a wide, wet stripe up his palm. He brought it down around Cas' cock and the world went white again. After a few more licks and strokes, their cocks were trusting against one another in Dean's hands and the moans coming from both of them echoed in time with their racing hearts.
Dean's hips were thrusting smoothly and Cas was running his hands up and down the man's back. Pausing ever so often to grab a handful of whatever he could grab. The thrusting between them had become frantic, the heat and abandon of the other bringing both men to the edge. Cas had to see this... Had to see Dean fall apart over him. He forced his eyes open and brought Dean's head down closer to his lips.
"I heard you, Dean. Every night. I'll always hear you when you say my name... Dean..." He panted into his ear. "Come for me, Dean..." Cas whispered and pulled his head away just in time to see all the movement snap to a halt and pearly white ropes shoot out across his stomach. Cas heard his name being called out as his whole world blanked and he grabbed onto Dean, arching into him and calling back.
They collapsed together, sticky, sweaty and panting. Neither of them dared to move because neither wanted the reality to come back of where they were and what they would have to do to be together again. Dean was the first to stir, grabbing a rag out of his back pocket and cleaning the cooling pool off Cas' stomach.
"Dean..." Cas began and was suddenly silenced by a rather chaste kiss.
"It's getting dark, Cas. Let me build a fire. Let's pray that we find a way out of here. Together. Don't leave yet..." Dean nearly begged as he was pulling his jeans back on. Dean stood up to find where his shirt had been thrown and pulled it over his head. When he could finally see again, the Angel was gone. His clothes were gone too. Dean sunk to his knees, alone again.
That night, he didn't build a fire. But he prayed, knowing Cas would hear.