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Choromatsu doesn't like the smell of smoke.
He's reminded of this fact when he visits, the faint smell of cigarettes reaching his nose when he opens the door. He wrinkles his nose, adjusting to the scent. The faint smell of curry and laundry detergent also greets him, making him feel a bit nostalgic. It’s not like the apartment he has, which smells strongly of air freshener.
"I'm home," He announces, slipping his shoes off. Only it's not really his home anymore, not since he moved out.
Choromatsu pokes his head into one of the rooms, where he spots a familiar figure lying on the couch. It's Osomatsu, who is seemingly engrossed in a magazine as he lies on his back. Choromatsu notices how he's wearing the same hoodie that he always has, shockingly casual in contrast to Choromatsu's suit and tie. His brother stirs from his position, sitting upright and putting the magazine on the ground. "Oh, Choromatsu. Welcome back."
Osomatsu says this offhandedly, as if Choromatsu hadn't been away for a month.
"Hello, Osomatsu-niisan." Choromatsu walks in and proffers a plastic bag in front of him before setting it down on the ground next to his magazine. "I got some beer, since I guess it's too late to go to oden." It's a lie, but they both know that it would be too lonely to go, just the two of them. He faintly wonders how often Chibita is kept waiting, now that six NEETs have dwindled down to just one.
"Oh, sweet!" Osomatsu grins, immediately taking a can from the bag and opening it. "You're the best, Choromatsu!" He draws out the last syllable, giving his brother a wink before chugging the whole damn thing like an animal.
Choromatsu rolls his eyes. "Where are Mom and Dad?"
"Asleep." Osomatsu pauses before downing the rest of his can.
"Already?" Choromatsu looks at the watch on his wrist. It's nearly midnight. "Hm." So it's really just him and Osomatsu.
"Yeah. They've been doing that lately. You know, since we don't keep them up anymore."
"Yeah, I guess so." Choromatsu mutters, painfully aware of the lack of people in the room. No Todomatsu and Jyushimatsu playing games on the floor, no Karamatsu admiring himself in the mirror, and no Ichimatsu sulking in the corner. The space feels too large, suddenly.
"Are you gonna stay over?" Osomatsu asks nonchalantly. There's a bit of hope in his voice that Choromatsu detects.
"It depends. There's a project I have to finish by the end of the week, but-"
Osomatsu rubs the underside of his nose, a smile forming on his face. "Oh, great! They added new pachinko machines while you were away; I was thinkin' we could go try 'em out! Or maybe we could go bet on horses? There's a horse that I've been wanting to bet on-"
"I said it depends, you idiot." He feels his blood pressure rising at his brother's rudeness. Same old Osomatsu.
"Boo, you're no fun." His older brother pouts slightly, a childish expression that reminds him that he hasn't grown up in the slightest. He slides further down the couch in his petulance, hoodie riding up slightly to show a bit of pale belly.
Choromatsu sighs, temper already cooling faster than if there were four other idiots to add to his brother's boorish attitude. He sees no reason to pursue this, especially since Osomatsu is already occupied by another beer. Instead he shrugs off his suit jacket and takes off his tie, laying them on the arm rest of the couch. The younger takes a beer before Osomatsu drinks the entire case himself, settling down on the couch next to his brother. Choromatsu takes careful sips of his drink, planning on avoiding a hangover the next morning. Osomatsu, on the other hand, doesn't seem to care. Not that he ever has, Choromatsu supposes. That's why he's the only living at home.
The quiet between them is comfortable, if a bit awkward. Osomatsu rarely shuts up, but he seems more focused on his beer tonight than annoying Choromatsu. He raises a brow, but Choromatsu doesn't question it, since he's feeling a bit worn out from work. A peaceful drink now and then is fine with him.
The days when all six of them drank together have become nonexistent. It's mostly due to schedule conflicts, since all of them have moved out. First it was Todomatsu who got his own place, then Karamatsu, then Jyushimatsu who took Ichimatsu with him... technically, Choromatsu could have moved out second, but he didn't want to until he was sure all his brothers would be fine. Someone had to limit his brothers’ stupidity, and it sure as hell wouldn’t be Osomatsu.
But then Karamatsu (somehow) got a job, and Jyushimatsu followed suit. It happened all so quickly, as if the curse of their bad luck had been lifted. Their noisy and crowded house had become an empty nest. Choromatsu expected Osomatsu to put up some kind of fight when their brothers left, or throw a tantrum as he was prone to doing. He mentioned this once, after Todomatsu had left. Osomatsu gave him a crooked smile and said he had to support his little brothers, since he was the eldest.
He remembers each time they would go for celebratory oden; Osomatsu would wish his brothers luck with a big stupid grin, slinging his arms around their shoulders and laughing loudly. Choromatsu only noticed how their number decreased with every visit, and how Osomatsu's smile grew dimmer with each goodbye. When Choromatsu finally moved out, Osomatsu gave him a rough pat on the back and a slightly strained smile, telling him to come visit sometime. Choromatsu didn’t get to say anything else, because Osomatsu had already retreated inside while their parents were still in the doorway sending him off with a wave.
Five goodbyes are more than enough for one person, he thinks, finishing off the can of beer.
When he gets tired of drinking, Osomatsu gets up, stretching obnoxiously. "I'm gonna take a smoke. Wanna come?"
The younger makes a hum of agreement and follows him out to the balcony. The night air is cool, which feels pleasant against the warmth of the beer. It's dark out, the only light coming from the room behind them and the small porch lantern. He faintly hears the sounds of traffic in the distance, a change from hearing it right outside his door. Choromatsu rests his elbows on the railing as Osomatsu fishes in in his pocket for a carton of cigarettes and a lighter. He lights one for himself first, then hands his brother one. Choromatsu slips the cigarette between his lips and leans in towards his brother, lighting his own on Osomatsu’s cigarette.
It feels weirdly intimate, every time they do this. Osomatsu said it was to conserve lighter fluid. Choromatsu decided not to think too deeply into anything his brother suggested. He pulls away once it’s lit, looking out into the street and taking a short drag. Choromatsu doesn’t smoke often. The smell isn’t that pleasant, especially with the way it sticks to his clothes. But he sometimes finds himself with a cigarette in his hand to calm his nerves, much like now. Having Osomatsu nearby seems to help too, even though he’s the one that usually frays his nerves the most.
Osomatsu is slightly flushed as he leans against the balcony, but Choromatsu knows it’d take more than a few beers to get him drunk. That, and he’s not spewing every thought that happens through his mind.
“You’re awfully quiet.” Uncharacteristically so. Choromatsu expected him to complain, but he guesses there isn’t much to complain about without five other siblings in the same house.
“Can’t I just enjoy the company of my brother?” Osomatsu tosses him a smile then busies himself with a long drag. Choromatsu thinks his brother has never looked more tired than in this moment. He swallows, something like guilt forming in his chest.
"…Are you okay here, Osomatsu-niisan?" They both know he doesn’t just mean fine physically. “I'm coming to check on Mom and Dad,” was the text he sent his older brother before coming here. And you too, was the unsaid implication.
Osomatsu is pensive for a second before he sends a puff of smoke towards his brother’s face. "Yeah, I'm fine."
Choromatsu scrunches up his nose and sends him a glare, making the other snicker quietly. Ugh, why did he even bother to ask? Still, he’s about to prod again when Osomatsu speaks.
"I just... didn't want you guys to leave." It’s a quiet mutter that Choromatsu barely catches.
Choromatsu sighs. His older brother is unreasonable, but he can sympathize. "It had to happen sooner or later." He knows it doesn’t help, but it’s the best answer he can give.
"I wanted you to stay." Osomatsu looks him directly in the eyes before he takes another drag of his cigarette. His greedy, selfish older brother never had any qualms with voicing what he wanted, but it caught Choromatsu off guard. He doesn’t remember that last time Osomatsu was this open with him about his emotions. Verbally, anyways. Osomatsu turns away and flicks his ashes onto the roof.
"I already told you, we can't.” They all have their own lives to live. He doesn’t think it would even work if they were to wind up in the same house again. Osomatsu’s just going to have to learn how to live without the others, despite being the one who takes change the worst.
“I mean you, Choromatsu.” The younger is stunned into silence at this… whatever it is. It’s an innocent confession, considering he and Osomatsu were always the closest. But it’s something that holds dangerous promises, if he reads into it too much. He’s an expert at overthinking, and wills his thoughts to stop before he gives himself a headache. He doesn’t say anything in response. His brother talks again.
"I guess I ran out of time, though." Osomatsu laughs at the words, but it's a hollow sound.
Now Choromatsu is confused, what with his brother being so damn cryptic all of a sudden. He feels his annoyance grow. "Ran out of time for what? We can’t stay kids forever-"
"I mean, to tell you I love you." Osomatsu says this plainly, but his gaze is fixated on the city’s skyline. He doesn’t look at Choromatsu.
And Choromatsu really, really, wishes Osomatsu hadn't said that. He almost drops his cigarette, and his heart seizes in his chest, bringing up feelings he worked so hard to suppress for years. Feelings that bloomed when Osomatsu would smile at him, or when their hands accidentally brushed, or when Osomatsu tells him a childish secret, breath tickling his ear. Even as an adult they came from something as arbitrary as being asked first for advice on something stupid, or when Osomatsu came a little too close on the shared futon when he tossed in his sleep. He swallows, throat dry. Feelings that are so, so, very wrong.
But he, for whatever reason, feels a surge of combined confidence and irritation, which prompts him to speak through the whirlwind of his thoughts. Osomatsu’s confession has set him off balance, being both unnecessarily roundabout and straightforward. Choromatsu almost wants to punch him for it, but it would be uncouth with the way his older brother had laid his feelings bare. Instead he speaks gently, wanting to coax Osomatsu into looking at him. "Why… why can't you tell me right now?"
Osomatsu processes the question slowly, finally turning his head towards Choromatsu with a bewildered expression. "…What?"
Choromatsu decides to cut to the chase for his insanely dense brother. "I love you too, you fucking idiot." And before Osomatsu can say something stupid and ruin the moment, Choromatsu fists a hand in the other’s hoodie and smashes their lips together.
It’s by no means a good kiss. For one, Osomatsu tastes like beer and cigarettes, and Choromatsu probably isn’t any better. It’s awkward and sloppy, especially with the way Osomatsu’s tongue dives into his mouth from the get-go. Somewhere along the way he dropped his cigarette on the balcony and Osomatsu must have too, since he’s clinging to Choromatsu’s dress shirt with that much fervor. But Choromatsu is pleased that he isn’t grossed out by it, his brother’s mouth on his own. The shame and disgust he anticipated dissolves, and a warm feeling spreads through his body. When their teeth click, Choromatsu pulls away with a gasp.
Osomatsu swipes his tongue over his lips. “That wasn’t bad, Cherrymatsu.” The older tries to tease him, but he’s breathless, making it lose its effect.
Choromatsu ignores him, wanting to sort out this mess as soon as possible. His hands grip the railing, knuckles turning white with the effort it takes to ground himself again, and he looks down at the street. He almost hopes he and Osomatsu will erase this entire thing from their memory and carry on like nothing happened. He’s not sure if he wants things to change between them. He meets Osomatsu’s eyes. “So… what now?”
“We kiss again?” Osomatsu leans in, clearly ready to pick up where they left off.
Choromatsu shakes his head. “Not that, I mean… we’re brothers.” He bites his lip and feels how puffy and sensitive it is. And how Osomatsu’s spit had been on it just minutes before.
“We are,” Osomatsu cocks his head slightly. “What about it?”
“We can’t do this, you know.” He can’t believe he has to spell this out for him.
“Who says we can’t?” Osomatsu looks at him intensely, and Choromatsu recognizes the stubbornness that enters his eyes. “I’ve wanted this for a long time, and I really wanna make it work. Can we just try?” A number of worst-case scenarios flit through Choromatsu’s mind. What if their parents found out? What if the others realized what was going on between them? What would they say? He has multiple reasons to refuse. It’s such a selfish request, but what else would Choromatsu expect from the eldest brother?
He sees Osomatsu’s hand stretch towards the one he has holding onto the rail, bold but at the same time unsure. Choromatsu tentatively releases his grip on the railing and grasps his hand. Their fingers intertwine while resting on the railing of the balcony. Choromatsu gives his brother’s hand a squeeze before giving him an answer. “…Yeah. Yeah, we can.” He feels Osomatsu beam beside him, but the other doesn’t try for anything else. He doesn’t know if he’s made the right decision yet, but he feels a little warmer inside as they look out into the sky in silence.