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To be able to watch it happen again, our favorite moments, our worst moments, your life and your death. I dive again. And again. And again. Until the last time.
I wish to be able to stand by your side, I wish to be able to touch your hand once more, to feel the warmth run through your fingers, to hear your heartbeats through your pulse. I get too close, enough to feel your breath, enough to know you're alive. And so I dive.
But you won't grow older with me, as I watch life go past again and again. As I watch you lose yours. Again and again. I claw desperately, tugging at the rope that leads me to you, I hopelessly tie the knot that's holding you from falling. I know it's no use hoping it will save you from a fate that's stronger than me, but I'll do it. Again and again. And so I dive.
I can't leave you behind, I've been living for you for longer than I remember. Sometimes I wonder if a part of you became ingrained in me, so much I might be living the life you couldn't. But this is not a life I can steal, nor do I want it. I want this life for me and you. So I keep treading this path, one I know so well, hoping that in the middle of these familiar steps I will find you again. And that this time this trail will be kind enough to fit the both of us.
You will never know this, I don't want you to. To know these selfish incoherent thoughts is to bare my soul to you, to whisper you a promise of failure I can't bear to accept. To lay out my heart and show you the love you will never get to hear. And so I dive. Again and again.
I will find you again. And you won't know. It's like the first time for the both of us.
I will lose myself, bit by bit. So I hope that at least a part of me stays with you for all the times I couldn't save you, maybe that way we can be together. But I'll keep finding you, at the same place, at the same time and it might not be me, at least not fully, but I will find you.
I will save you, even if at the cost of my own self. I will love you, at the cost of my own self, it's what I know best, it's all I know, it's all I am. And so I dive.