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Crunch, crunch, crunch.
He heard soft footfalls on gravel; felt the steady rise in his heartbeat as he wandered up a steeply inclined surface, and tried his best to see through the thick darkness that enclosed his vision in a tight vice.
Where…Where was he going?
He could make out the barest hint of violet flickering in his peripheral, could feel his chest stutter with every breath he took. Sweat trickled down his neck. Clearly, he was exhausted – maybe from training too long?
But then, why did he feel so cold?
He felt his hands grab a ladder and hoist his body up with a grunt. One rung followed another, until he stumbled onto the rooftop, the mountainous breeze ruffling his golden hair. He looked down at the three-storey fall that awaited him, inched closer, and closer, and closer –
And nearly screamed as realization struck him.
Overcome with blind panic, he all but threw his hands out to his sides, seizing back control of his body at the last second. He teetered over the edge of the Monastery’s gleaming roof, and for a terrifying second, he felt his stomach drop, thinking he wasn’t going to make it.
– And then his body tilted backwards, and he collapsed on the red tiles, shivering uncontrollably. He couldn’t help but let out a little hysterical laugh, gripping the sides of the roof with white knuckles.
(He’d done it again).
Oh, Kai was going to kill him.
A huff of air escaped his struggling lungs, but it didn’t last for long. He exhaled slowly, clenching his fingers tighter and squeezing his eyes shut.
…By the First, that was close.
Lloyd Garmadon craned his neck upwards, soaking in the sun’s bright afternoon rays, trying his best to chase away the chills of his sudden return to reality. Almost unwillingly, his brilliant green eyes blinked open again, slowly observing his surroundings in an attempt to calm his still-racing heart. It didn’t work. He placed a hand on his chest, wincing, trying to breathe through it, but it was too late.
The world dilated around him; too big; too loud; too bright. His gi flapped in the wind, and his skin screamed, overloaded nerves lighting on fire.
He couldn’t – he couldn’t –
It was all too much too much too much –
He gasped raggedly, falling back on himself again, curling into a trembling ball. He wasn’t ready for this – he’d just woken up from a coma, dang it!
Lloyd! Kai’s distant voice echoed suddenly in his head, and Lloyd flinched, instinctively squeezing his eyes shut. He felt a warm hand grasp his, squeezing tightly.
Hey, hey, buddy. It’s okay, I’ve got you. The hand that was holding him jerked back like it had been shoved away, and a distressed note of panic entered the red ninja’s voice.
Uh, okay, how does this go again – wait, no, I’ve got it.
The hand didn’t return, and the present Lloyd mourned at the loss of its warmth. There was a small pause, before the memory of his brother spoke again, uncharacteristically softly.
Can you name five things you can see right now?
A sharp inhale.
Oh. Oh. He remembered this. It had taken place on one of his first nights free of Morro’s possession, and he’d been having quite possibly the worst panic attack of his life. Hallucinations, pain, screaming – the whole ordeal.
Kai had been trying to calm him, frantically flipping through the research he’d started on trauma just a few hours before.
It’s okay. You’re safe.
Lloyd almost scoffed, wanting to push the memory away, but unable to muster the energy to do so.
(He wasn’t fourteen anymore, he didn’t get panic attacks; he was the leader, he couldn’t show weakness –)
“Five things I can see,” he muttered to himself anyway, eyes flicking around a little too fast. “Uh, the – the red roof, the Monastery yard, the wall, the blue sky…” he paused, and glanced down at himself, relaxing minutely at the familiar green gi that he wore. “Myself,” he finished, the smallest of smiles tugging at his lips.
Okay, you’re doing great, buddy. Now tell me four things you can touch. His older brother’s voice was soothing, and Lloyd let it wash over his shivering body, loosening his death grip on the roof.
“The tiles,” he looked down and saw water coating his fingers, “dew,” he wiped it off, “my gi,” he swung his gaze around and swallowed, running out of things to say. “My hair…?”
He could almost hear the warmth in Kai’s voice.
Three things you can hear.
OK. Three things. He could do that. “The birds, the wind, and uh,” he winced, “my voice.” His breathing started to settle.
Awesome. Give me two things you can smell.
He scrunched up his nose, sniffing, before frowning. Smell was a bit of a tough one. “Sweat,” he decided finally, “and the smell of dirt after rain.” He fumbled with his memory, trying to recall the specific word for the latter.
Petri dish? Petri colour?
…I can’t remember it either, Kai admitted.
Lloyd managed a grin, his tense shoulders relaxing.
We’re almost there. The red ninja’s voice turned encouraging once more. Give me one thing you can taste.
Lloyd sighed, shoulders drooping. “Bile,” he said softly, then trying to play it off with a chuckle. “I – ha, I need to brush my teeth.”
“That you do,” a familiar voice agreed, laughing.
Lloyd jumped, jerking his neck around with a wide-eyed stare. “Kai?!”
The red ninja was sitting cross-legged at arms-length from Lloyd, amber eyes watching him closely. Seeing that he’d been recognised, the concerned look in his gaze abruptly vanished, looking back at the blond with a cheery grin.
“Hey there, boogers.”
Lloyd could only gape. How did he not see him get on the roof? Had his coma really made his skills so rusty that he didn’t realize one of the other Ninja was sitting right there?
“Wait,” he said, blinking rapidly, “so your voice wasn’t a memory?”
Kai stared.
Then he chuckled.
“We’re all memories in the end, technically.”
A groan. It was almost scary how quickly Lloyd’s mood changed when the red ninja was around. “It’s nearly dinnertime, Kai, stop trying to give me an existential crisis.” He rolled his brilliant green eyes at Kai’s pout. “Look, I’m sure Master Wu would be proud, but please answer the damn question – I need to know if I’m hallucinating… or, or something.”
The red ninja looked down and met Lloyd’s mostly joking, partly serious gaze. He held his hands up in surrender. “OK, OK, fine. I mean, as far as I’m aware, I was the only one talking – unless I have a ghostly twin that only you can hear. That would be weird. And I don’t blame you for not noticing me, you were, uh…” He winced suddenly, rubbing the back of his neck. “You were pretty out of it.” He tried for a grin, but the damage was already done.
The light-hearted mood instantly dropped.
There was a pause, before a heavy sigh came from the green ninja. “…Yeah, I know.” He looked away, shoulders slumping tiredly.
Kai’s expression remained the same, but now the grin just looked uncharacteristically forced. “I, uh, saw you get on the ladder there,” he admitted, when the silence started to get uncomfortable. “You didn’t answer when I called your name, so I followed you and… well…” He shrugged, but it was clear that he was worried.
Lloyd felt the blood drain out of his already pale face. His brother had seen that?! “Kai, I didn’t mean to, I swear –”
“I know,” Kai interrupted. He shook his head slowly, letting out a breathy laugh, running a hand through his hair nervously. “I know you didn’t mean it. But boy did I get a heart attack when I saw you about to jump off that stupid roof. I told them we should install handrails, but do they listen? Noooo, let’s just keep that safety hazard as it is –”
Lloyd looked down, feeling his hands clench into fists. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. The words felt weak for the weight that they carried.
He felt a warm hand on his shoulder. “Hey, what have I said about apologizing for things like that?” Kai chided, but Lloyd knew he could feel the guilt practically rolling off him in waves.
The red ninja sighed irritably as the silence stretched on pointedly.
“Lloyd. If I apologized for every single situation that we got put into, my fault or not, I’d be talking till the end of eternity.” Kai held his green gaze with burning intensity, and said firmly, “Stop apologizing for things that are not your fault. You weren’t in control.”
The younger ninja sighed, gritting his teeth and staring hard at the sky. “But that’s the problem, isn’t it, Kai? I do have control. That Oni is just as part of me as I am, and its actions are my responsibility. What if I don’t realize what’s going on next time? What if I hurt one of you, or First forbid, Arin or Sora or Wyldfire –?!” He buried his head in his hands, feeling his brother rub circles into his back comfortingly.
“Listen,” Kai said, “I’m glad you think that you’re powerful – and you are – but there are other Ninja in this Monastery apart from you, you know.” A grimace crossed his face. “And if I know anything about your students, it’s that they are loud.”
Lloyd can’t help but laugh at that. Kai flicked his ear in response. “I’m serious! And it’s not just them, it’s us too. Have you heard Nya scream about clothes on the floor when it’s her turn to do the laundry?”
A yell came from the ground. “I heard that!” And that was the only warning they got before a jet of water hit Kai square on the forehead, making him splutter, and Lloyd shriek with mirth.
The red ninja stared down incredulously at his sister, who grinned unashamedly at them both before heading back inside the Monastery.
“How did she even hear me from all the way down there?” He muttered to himself, mystified.
“She’s Nya.” Lloyd shrugged in lieu of explanation, feeling his chuckles trail off. He glanced at Kai, wringing his fingers, taking a deep breath. As much as he wanted to yank the opportunity to distract Kai from the situation at hand, he needed to know something.
“And, look, I don’t mean to say that you can’t handle yourselves. But… if my control does slip…”
“Easy. We’ll stop you,” Kai said simply, waving a hand as if to bat the question away. Lloyd felt a small smile curling his lips. His brother looked down at him fondly, continuing in that same, calm tone. “We’ll stop you, and we’ll make sure you return to your senses in a safe and comfortable space.” He hummed. “Maybe throw some of Zane’s knitted blankets in. A cup of hot chocolate? Or tea, I know how much you like that.”
Kai kept talking about random things, and Lloyd finally let out the breath that he was holding, relaxing from sheer relief. The blond’s eyes started to droop from exhaustion, and he slumped against Kai’s side; the fire ninja’s innate warmth made him incredibly sleepy.
Kai chuckled. “Go to sleep, greenie. I gotchu.”
Lloyd yawned. He could feel the heaviness of his eyelids, and tried to push off his brother. “Don’t… need… sleep…”
Kai raised an eyebrow, placing an arm down so that the younger ninja was trapped. “When was the last time you slept, buddy?” His tone was light-hearted, but Lloyd could feel the worry radiating off him like a beacon. His arm tensed almost imperceptibly.
Lloyd grumbled incoherently and gave up on escape, thinking back to the question.
It was a good one, actually. When was the last time he slept? Definitely not yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that –
“Dunno,” he decided finally, and then remembered why his sleep schedule was as horrible as it was. He shivered, and Kai tensed, instinctively drawing him closer. “The visions… they keep me awake. They’re –” he swallowed, closing his eyes. “They’re horrible. I keep seeing –”
He stopped himself abruptly, stilling.
Kai was silent for a moment, before saying slowly, clearly strained, “We can talk about this later. Get some sleep, buddy, you need it. I’ll be right here.”
Lloyd shook his head stubbornly. “No!” He tried to sit up, shaking the drowsiness away. “I can’t – what if I see the visions again? What if I –”
“Shh,” Kai rubbed his back soothingly, and Lloyd practically melted, curling into his embrace and burying his head in the red ninja’s shoulder. “I’ve got you. I’ll make sure nothing happens to you on my watch.”
Lloyd froze, looking desperately up at the older ninja. "...Really?"
Kai raised an eyebrow. "Would I lie to you?"
The green ninja shook his head quickly. "No, but -"
"No buts. You have your answer."
“…Okay,” Lloyd murmured, and he was out like a lamp. His soft snores soon filled the air on the rooftop, and Kai sighed, combing his fingers through his brother’s tufty golden hair.
Oh, how fast he’d grown.
Kai still remembered the bratty child he’d met over a decade ago, trying to take over a village in pursuit of candy.
The same bratty child now slept next to him, tormented and tired.
Kai felt his eyes tearing up. Lloyd had been through so much, and still suffered more.
Could destiny never let his brother catch a break?
He looked up at the darkening sky and swallowed. No, destiny had never been kind to the descendants of the First Spinjitzu Master.
But this was no time to be bitter, he reminded himself, sighing deeply and staring at the shiny dots that twinkled merrily at them from above.
Just for now, just for this blissful moment under the stars, they could forget about the Merge; the worry that plagued them about everyone that was still missing; the struggles that Lloyd was having with his darker side.
Just for a moment, they could pretend that they were back in simpler times, where their biggest worries were avoiding paparazzi and stopping the occasional petty criminal. Just for now, they could pretend to be regular civilians; just two brothers sleeping under the beautiful night sky.
Just for now, Kai could pretend that everything would be okay.
It had to be.