Work Text:
THE BEGINGING
Socltant fuck. i mean Scitland. Scotland. i'm startin over
scotland THERE WE GO SCOTLAND was in his room and he woke up and he went to the barthroom and he looke dat himself in the mirror HARD. it was dark in here. he did not turn on the light. in the monocromatic abckdrop he was like. god i need something to do with my summer. i am so bored. nothing is happening. football is over and id on't kno what to do with myself. i shoul call up my buddy onothern ireland and get him to give me a TASK. He's good at that.
BRING BRING BRING scotland calls his bfavorite phone. norhtern ireland (REUNIFICATION 2024~!!!!!! WOWHHHOO!!!!!) on the other side of the water northern ireland groggily woke (yeah you bet your bitch ass he's woke. the irish are woke now. suck on that pearl from steven universe) to the sound og a bag of chips ~sensually~ opening. he LOVED hearing all the crinkles and crackles of the sweet sweet sound of fried potayto chip bags crispy opening. he was turned on maybe a little???? hold on i gotta change the rating to teen now. now i ti sonly for teens and ups.
norhtern ireland was SO DISTRACTED by the sound of his phone going off (chip bag opening) that he was like. you know what sounds good right no.w. some crisps. i am gonna get me some of them crisps. and he did and he opened one and the HOT STONK of the potato chips made him feel like he was a disney princess opening a window and seeing the BEAUTIFUL PASTORAL COUNTRYSIDE FILLED WITH MANY A WOODLAND ANIMAL AND EEVEYTHING WAS SO BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE HE WAS A PRINCESS but it really was just the reality of what happens when redheads eat chips. its a universal expereince. uh oh. shit. my phone has been ringing!!!
"🔥hey scot🔥" said northern ireland. "🔥i am so sory i forgot to pick up the phone🔥"
"if's fine" says scotland, who has been calling him ten times ina row. "what do i do now that football is over"
"🔥FOOTBALL IS OVER?!?!?!??!🔥" cried northern ireland. "🔥WHAT🔥
"no like not forever. just for Now. for the purposes of Plot"
"🔥oh okk,🔥" siad nothern irelsnad. "🔥well what if you get a job?🔥"
"a job?"
"🔥yeah you are like 15 or 30 or 23143525929 or whatever. it's about time you get a job.🔥"
"bro my tits are huge i am not 15 u]>:(" (AUTHOR'S NOTE: this is a mad face >:( but there aer also antlers ] becaus ehe's a highland cow and the u is his HIDEGEOSLY STRANGE AND ABNORMAL HAIR CURL HIMA GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!! IT's fine he gets even BETTER wifi reception than fucking estonia so THERE. i hope that makes sense)
"🔥soorry man you know i have dyscalculia :(🔥"
"hmmmm it is a good idae though. to ge ta job. maybe i will meet *tiny innocent whisper* a hot man...... ( F O R E S H A D O W I N G)"
"🔥lit🔥"
"how ocme ur on fire man"
"🔥oh it's becase i ate chips and i am allergic to potatoes actually so it's an allergic reaction i can't help it. i can't quit potatoes🔥"
"none of us can. it is ok. we'll get over your potato intolerance as a family."
Norway was so FUCKING SICK of workking in this hot topic. his manager ancient rome would NOT allow him to shoplift and that was a problem, since norway was a kelptomanaic bUT only when he was bored and hated his job. and eyeliner was expensive ever since the eyeliner factory ran out of potatoes to test their producs on. some dude in northern ireland was eating so many chips it was shifting the entire global econcomy. you get me right. capitalism. you see, norhtern ireland did not actually have a potato allergy because that's stupid. he is actually allergic to eyeliner, because they have to test eyeliner on gingers now that they ran out of potatoes. it's a long story. i won't go into the specifics of this right now. if you want to LIKE COMMENT AND SUBSCRIBE and maybe i'll fucking. do it. bleh.
ancient rome took too many breaks anyway. in fact he was always on break. because he was retired. he became a store manager at this hot topic entirely b/c he was bored and wanted to interact With The Youths. and this was the only way to make that happen.
"sigh" norway said. "i wish there was a hot man (F O R E S H A D O W I N G) that i could make out with in the back room."
"hi," said scotland, firmly walking into the hot topic. BOY HE WAS SWEATING REAL HARD RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HE WAS SO NERVOUS ABOUT APPLYING FOR A JOB. AND FUCK, THE PERSON AT THE REGISTER WAS GENDER NONCONFORMING AS FUCK AND LOOKED HOT. "i would like a job. p-please? 🥺🥺🥺🥺"
"kneel :|" said norway. and scotland obeyed. b/c yknow. that's just how it is. "and beg for it"
"uhh,"s aid scotland from the floor. "please?"
"ugh fine. *eyeroll*" said norway, who took off his uniform and gave it to scotland. "its yours now"
the uniform DID NOT FIT. scotlants tits were TOO BIG for this TINY ASS shirt. also norway was naked now. in the store. i just learned hot topic doens't really have an outfit type so i guess norway just took off all his clothes. should i update this to an M? idk. ACAB.
scotland did not know wha tto do. he didn't know anything about hot topiuc. honestl yhe just want to the local mall and entered in the first store he saw that was not a food service related job. becaus ehe KNEW he would get fired fo rsnacking from the product on the clock and get fired. and also he would prob punch somebody who was being rude to him or if an employee snuck up behind him and played a prank, because this scottish man is easily flustered as FUCK. it's like this:
a customer:
scotland: OH FUCK
so food service was out of the question, totaly. he wasn't perpared for retail. he didn't know anything about retail. he only knew things about scotland and football. he was so unemployable in this current job climate. and this kind man had just given him a job, but seem annoyed, and also just stripped naked.
"so are you going to chase me through this mall or not ;/" said norway.
"i-is that part of the j-j-ob??"
"Yes," said norway, hoping the retired italian who kept telling him too many stories from "back in my day" did not return from his 32415th break of the day to scope out hot chicks at the victoria's secret store across the mall. "but first, we have to do the Hot Topic Employee Ritual Handshake."
"whats that" he clothes that he was wearing were starting to rip because he was too swole for this.
"hold still" said norway, PLASTERING his face squarely into scotland's pecs, rubbing his face against them like a needy housecat.
nothing happened. a customer walked into the store. a customer saw what was happening. the customer left the store.
"uh," said scotland.
"dot worry abou tit (lol)" said norway. "i am trying to drive this biz into bankrupcy anyway."
"is that how retail works."
"yeah you try to lose the most money as fast as you can."
"wpow. you are so smart. wait. i-i mean 😳 " scotland did not know what was or wasn t appropriate for recent coworkers to do. maybe it was normal to exchance clothes and perform weird homoerotic acts with them. he was scared. he was scared of men, but in a way where he wa sstill into them. it happens. he's trying his best. sometimes being really bad at something makes you even sexier."
"yes. i am smart," said norway. "now the chase begins."
norway FUCKING BOLTED, completely naked, through the mall. he looked behind him briefly to make sure scotland was chasing him.
scotland was like WOW!!!! I KNOW WHAT THIS IS LIKE!!! THIS IS JUST LIKE FOOTBALL! YOU CHASE OTHER MEN AND THEN YOU SCORE A GOAL!!!! AND THERE ARE BALLS INVOLVED!!! I AM AN EXPERT HOT TOPIC EMPLOYEE(tm). so he ran after norway, as norway's clothes slowly ripped at scotland's rapid movements.
THREE HOURS LATER
SCOTLAND AND nORWAY sat in the back of a cop car. they were handcuffed. appaerntly, it was not part of the hot topic employee handbook to chase your direct supervisor through the mall mostly naked. it was scotland's first day on earth so he was innocent. but norway had been here for three days, on earth, so that meant he had to go to jail for 1 hour.
"well" said scotland. in the back of the cop car. "thanks for the job?"
norway groaned in annoyance. "bro just fucking make out with me already you suck at this."
"oh."
"yeah. OH." and hten norway started making out with him hardcore sloppy style.
cop 1 was like. wow this is true romance. i wish i had someone chase me naked through the police station.
cop 2 shook his head. we cant do that, trevor. we can only do that on halloween. it's the law.
it's the law, chanted the cops, and then scotnor were teleported to jail where they continued to make out for the duration of norway's sentence. and then maybe a bit more.
THE END