Chapter Text
Feng Xin tried to find Jian Lan. That was his first idea; to latch onto something he still needed to look after. He looked for a couple of hours before he accepted that she had truly left. He had spent days before--when he had time-- trying to look for her with the same result. Now all alone, he found himself despairing quicker. Further questioning didn't reveal anything, which led him here. After an entire day simply wandering, he found himself on the edge of a river where he had slept.
The entire morning he spent contemplating his next move. His argument with Xie Lian weighed heavy on his shoulder making his supplies feel heavier He couldn't take more than a couple of steps before he groaned and looked back at where he'd left the royal family he had served so loyally. He went back and forth; stepping a foot to leave only for him to freeze, groan, and then look back again. It repeated a few cycles before, in a fit of frustration, he let himself fall to the ground to sit and think.
He was hardly one to feel conflicted. He often went with his gut and was bold in his decision. Lately, he's been feeling nothing but conflicted. It was new and ugly and tore at his once strong resolution.
Feng Xin kneeled next to the stream to splash the cold water onto his face, trying to wipe off the fatigue from under his eyes. Their majesties had looked depressingly mortified at the concept of him leaving. Xie Lian tended to carry too much and now with his mental state deteriorating the way it was, he was constantly exhausted yet fighting to keep himself moving and distracted continually. He was guilty of this as well but his mind was resolute--he felt guilt but understood there was nothing more to be done.
He was planning on returning to the heavens after not finding Jian Lan but after a sleepless night contemplating his fight with Xie Lian, he began to doubt his reasons. Xie Lian wasn't quick to anger, nor was he one who blurted out his mind in his time of distress so Feng Xin had taken his thoughts as sincere. With more thought, he regretted acting so quickly. He believed White No-Face was tormenting Xie Lian, but he also believed Xie Lian was not in his right mind. He wasn't a lunatic by any means, not to Feng Xin anyway, but his lack of sleep, paranoia, and poverty all stacked upon him wouldn't be an easy fit for anyone.
To add to that, something happened that two months he had disappeared. Something Feng Xin desperately wished to ask about but knew would only end in a screaming match again. His temperament had gradually been changing and once he returned from where he had gone it seemed to have completely snapped. He was no longer quick to anger, instead, he always had an underlying sense of rage and dread. But more than anything, he was suffering. The way his hands shook constantly and the dead look he cast him made him shiver. Xie Lian, in all the years he knew him, was kind and understanding, especially to the common folks.
He seemed to hate them now.
He seemed to hate everything now… even him.
If Feng Xin knew Xie Lian was getting this desperate he would’ve stolen for him, he would’ve defended him more harshly, he would’ve gotten medicine in other ways.
Now he felt as if he no longer knew him. He closed his eyes. He wasn’t the same either. He had hit his highness, yelled at both him and their majesties, and even lowered himself to perform on the streets.
Oh yes, when had he changed too?
How gradual that change seemed. Did it also feel that way for Xie Lian?
Feng Xin always had a quick temper. He’d always felt easily riled up so perhaps he just couldn’t change that part of himself. He was used to this underlying sense of anger-- he knew how to calm down from it as if second nature. Xie Lian was otherworldly for so long. His character was unattainable, even to himself who felt the closest to him. To Feng Xin, it always seemed bizarre. How calm and easygoing it was for him. Xie Lian, unlike himself, did not know how to calm himself down. So used to the world bending to his will that now that optimism was gone. A child experiencing a new emotion. He lost so much. Perhaps, this change was inevitable
Who wouldn’t change alongside the world around them?
He splashed himself with the cool water from the river before filling up his container to take back. His Highness was never one he was angry with for more than a few spare moments that never lasted long. The anger and slight betrayal he felt yesterday were rougher and cut through him like no other argument they had ever even imagined they would go through. But Feng Xin knew his feelings of betrayal were his own to carry and Xie Lian played no real part in his image of the former prince being skewed.
He would stick through.
Not for his loyalty to the royal family but because of his friendship with Xie Lian.
He made his way back in short spurts of energy before slowing down with anxiety. He wasn't sure how he would be received back. Mu Qing had been chased out and he feared that the same thing would happen to him. The king and queen would most likely let him stay. Xie Lian was always kind-hearted but now he felt the need to apologize to him before he was even allowed to talk to him.
As he walked closer, rehearsing his lines in his head, he suddenly felt a pit in his stomach. It was much too quiet around him but he could already see the small shack he had left behind. He stopped for only a few seconds before finally descending the hill he was perched on.
He always just walked in but standing in front of the door made him reevaluate whether he should do that or not. If Xie Lian was feeling a bit better to have woken up early he would probably be out busking and he knew the king and queen wouldn't care either way. So he skipped the knocking and pushed open the door as confidently as he used to.
For fleeting seconds, Feng Xin only stared into the open house. Stuck in place with his mouth gaping open and his finger twitching next to him. His bag dropped off his shoulder and the water he'd brought fell to the ground with a resounding splash. His breathing was picking up the more he stared at the feet hanging high above the floor.
Both swaying back and forth.
Back and forth.
He considered, only for a moment, that it was a trick. That he had gone delusional. There was no way this was happening, not only a day after he'd left. He must have gone mad enough to start seeing things too. He must be in a dream. He must be--
It wasn't until Xie Lian let out a strangled choke and kicked his legs that Feng Xin surged forward and lifted him. The silk was no longer tightening against his neck but still pulled as it prevented Xie Lian's head from falling completely forward. "Xie Lian! What the fuck...What are you--"
His words were stopped with a sob catching in his closing throat. His breath rapidly mimicked the pained wheezing sounds of his friend on top of him. He tightened one of his arms around Xie Lian's legs and the other arm was lifting the former prince's chest to keep him from falling forward and to prevent the silk from tightening.
"I'll get you down!" He quickly yelled out if only to reassure himself. "You'll be okay, hold on!" He reached blindly for the silk. Trying to claw it off while still holding onto Xie Lian's legs proved inefficient as he only continued to gag. Feng Xin quickly wrapped both hands around his highness and hoisted him a bit higher in hopes it'd be easier for him to breathe. Xie Lian kicked again causing Feng Xin to groan when his knee slammed against his chest.
"Your Highness, loosen the knot! You have to--" His watered eyes could barely see and his mouth only moved to give his ears a break from the awful wheezing sound. He wasn't listening to him, and Feng Xin knew, so he desperately looked around for something to cut him down. He choked out a cry as he saw their majesties lying on the floor only a few feet away.
His breathing was harsher.
He should've stayed.
Why didn't he stay? He couldn't even remember the reason with the foggy panic clouding his thoughts. He bit his lips and tore his eyes away from them.
His eyes finally landed on the sword that Xie Lian had returned with. The sword was still in the same place it was tossed the last time he had seen it. He tried to reach for it without letting go. He stretched out his foot, moving both of them as far as he could, but it was futile.
He needed to let Xie Lian go. That thought alone had him tightening his hold. He would have to let go only for a few seconds, he reasoned. Not finding another way to possibly get him down, Feng Xin let him gently slip from his grip but still flinched and promptly burst into tears when Xie Lian resummed wheezing and gagging.
Rushing over to the sword, he tripped in his haste and grabbed the sword in the same movement as he got up. However, as he turned around, he heard a thud and saw Xie Lian begin falling to the ground on his own.
Feng Xin quickly caught him before his head made contact with the floor. His hands shook as he held his friend and let Xie Lian cry and cough into his arms. "Your Highness..." His voice cracked, causing him to grasp more tightly onto his friend's robes, pushing him against his chest. They both trembled and Feng Xin could do no more than squeeze just to feel his friend move in his arms. "Xie Lian, what were you--"
While Xie Lian was coughing and wheezing, Feng Xin felt like his lungs had shrunk. He gasped air rapidly in and out, freezing with nausea and gasping in relief to try and get some air in his lungs. He was suffocated in the suddenly closed-off, small room. All he could hear were his harsh intakes of breath with an ache in his chest he'd only feel after a long, hard, fight. The thrill of a fight, however, was replaced with an absolute and overwhelming feeling of regret that chilled his body and made it racked with chills.
He was only gone a day.
It happened too quickly, too suddenly to be the turning point. Feng Xin felt the sudden agony of realization that he was the last straw on Xie Lian's back. He did not cause this but he had missed this build-up. Missed the way his highnesses--once proud and held high-- often stared at the ground. He should have been here. Should have been with him.
His eyes were burning and his throat felt pinched. Gasping in the air and gripped Xie Lian's robes a little bit tighter each time.
He needed to be here. Here with Xie Lian, he felt as if he was trapped somewhere else. So he held on as he caught his breath. His eyes may have been wide open but he couldn't see anything. Only finding comfort in squeezing the robes that weren't his. Realizing that Xie Lian was moving. That he was right here. Right here in his arms. Safe and alive.
He needed to calm down. He shut his eyes as tightly as he could with a small whimper-- the noise startling a cry out of him. A panicked shame washed over him as he, again, shut his eyes and choked on air he managed to gasp in. Curling his fingers and toes, he bit his lips shut and told himself that it was okay. His friend was here. He had made it back on time.
'On time?', his mind screamed back. 'On time for what? To drag His Highness's body down from the rafters? What about his parents still lying motionless on the ground?'
That thought startled him out of his panic enough to try and focus on his surroundings. Jolting up with new clarity, he looked to where he had seen their bodies only moments before. He wanted to run to them, see what had caused this, see if he could help, but their skin was too ashen. Unnaturally still and stiff yet laid out like they were put there. Forever assuming this position on the rundown shack floor he didn't even bother cleaning before he left. He squeezed Xie Lian a bit harder, now to the point his hand ached, when he noticed their conjoined hands laid neatly between them. Orchestrated to be there made clear by their limp grasp and nails clipped and broken. Fingertips rubbed raw to the point of bleeding yet neatly cleaned. He caught their other hand laid over their chest in the same state-- fingertips seemingly more bloody against their pale skin. His eyes raked up once more.
He made it to their necks before he could go any further. He couldn't make himself look further right now. the ring of a bruise circled them like Xie Lian's own curse mark. He felt sick all over again. His eyes planted on the dark bruise, not having the courage to look up any higher. Not daring to look upon the unnaturally still faces. He was stuck in place.
The silk that was once wrapped around Xie Lian's neck floated up and nudged at Xie Lian's foot. Feng Xin, still holding onto him and sensing the small movement, sharply turned his head to glare at it. The small silk seemed to take notice of the attention on it and nudged at his foot too. Feng Xin, who wasn't quite processing what he was seeing, scrambled back and kicked it away, dragging his prince along with him. It seemed hurt by the kick. Shaking its end from side to side as if shaking the pain away from its head, it tried once more to inch toward the duo.
"Stay away from us!" He cried, far too loudly. Xie Lian seemed to gasp at that which made him instinctively turn more to the side to block his prince. How natural it felt to protect Xie Lian. How right it felt to be in this position again.
The silk paused and floated down motionlessly. Feng Xin tore his eyes away when Xie Lian's fingers finally seemed less limp.
Xie Lian was staring at him now. His eyes were bloodshot and watering. His body racked with shivers and twitches like his whole body was in pain- trying to find any position for a semblance of comfort. He opened his mouth and-- attempting to talk-- began wheezing and coughing into his chest.
He squeezed his hands out of the grip and Feng Xin saw them more clearly as they pushed at his chest with little strength. Still being pushed away Feng Xin could do nothing but grasp onto his robes falling back into compliance with all of Xie Lian's needs.
"I've got you, you Highness. I'm right here." His prince shook his head and was blinking heavily as if clearing something from his eyes.
Xie Lian seemed to debate with himself about something. Opening his mouth and closing it quickly. Feng Xin was fine waiting so he sat there and did nothing more. He waited for reprimands or anything that made him know Xie Lian was there.
Before he could, however, the sound of drums had them both jump. Banging out with music in a way only done for celebrations. He heard the cheers and looked down at Xie Lian who was no longer crying but looking out the open door where the sound was coming from. His expression was blank with only his eyes growing bigger and bigger, his lip trembled in a surprised scream of disbelief. Feng Xin registered what the celebration must've been about first and slammed the door shut with his foot. He grabbed onto Xie Lian's head, pushing it against his chest so he couldn't see, and covered his ears with his arms.
Xie Lian did not take kindly to being restrained and let out a gutted scream as he slammed his fist on him and anything within reach. His legs kicked out desperately but Feng Xin refused to let him go. He shut his eyes too and let Xie Lian punch, scratch, and hit him with only pained grunts in protest.
When Xie Lian finally stopped fighting against the hold, he sobbed. Crying out in anguish on Feng Xin's chest, he tightened his fist around his robes. The desperate and heart-wrenching sound made Feng Xin burst out crying too. Only momentarily hushing to try and say comforting words to his friend. His arms drifted down from his head to give a tight hug. He was rocking him like a parent would a crying child. Back and forth in a quick and easy rhythm. Soothing both himself and his highness.
A few blinded moments later when the movement had become automatic and words more like a prayer, Feng Xin registered back to where he was.
"My parents are gone, Feng Xin,"
He bit his lip and scrambled to return to his mind. "I know your highness." He managed to whisper.
"Don't call me that!"
He recoiled into himself; consequently pushing Xie Lian closer. The blood he just noticed on Xie Lian's forehead was smeared against his robes.
"Xie Lian," he corrected. "It'll be okay, alright? I'll figure something out. I'll-"
"Kill me," For the first time since he made it back, Feng Xin was the one to push Xie Lian back. Only an arm's length away to watch his face. He was always good at reading him but now, despite Xie Lian facing him, he stared at nothing. His eyes were glossed over and his pupils were half-hidden by his exhausted eyelids. "Please Feng Xin just kill me."
"Stop--stop speaking in such a way." He managed to squeeze his shoulders a bit tighter.
"Kill me!"
Feng Xin shook his head "No, you can't die your highness. You can't--"
"I don't want to be here anymore! I want my parents, Feng Xin! I want my mom!"
"Xie Lian. You'll be okay, I promise."
"Why did you save me? Why?! I want my mom!" Xie Lian wailed. "How is this fair?! Why is it only I can't join them,"
In a small moment of shock, Feng Xin loosened his grip to stare blankly at his friend. He was unaware of how this could have transpired without him noticing the warning signs. Mu Qing's voice came to his mind; calling him dense and slow. If Mu Qing was here would he have noticed? Feng Xin concluded his cleverness quickly. Yes, Mu Qing wouldn't have let these small signs slip past him. No matter how small or how exhausted he was. Feng Xin was not as observant nor as critical of his royals. And all his faults had led to this. His father's voice echoed in his mind next. He had failed everyone.
Xie Lian, out of his panic enough to notice Feng Xins trailing thoughts, pushed him away and tumbled back. Quickly, he grabbed onto the sword at his side tightly; fearful that the blade would soon be taken from him.
"Your Highness!" Feng Xin, now recovered from his fall, lunged forward as soon as he noticed the blade coming closer to his friend's neck.
"Let go, Feng Xin!" He screamed with a kick that loosened Feng Xin's hand from the blade only barely with how tightly he gripped it. "That's an order!"
"No!" He screamed right back, this time daring to kick Xie Lian back. Although it didn't loosen his grip--as Xie Lian's kick had--it did catch him off guard. How wrong it felt to deny his prince anything--let alone hit him.
By the look in Xie Lian's eyes, he looked like he didn't quite believe it either. Feng Xin used that moment to grab onto the blade and pull it back. Fearing that if he only grabbed the hilt Xie Lian could seize control of the blade. Expecting, yet still gritting his teeth too, the pain that bloomed from gripping the blade too tightly. He swung his whole body to the side and threw the sword in a way he was so used to doing with a spear or an arrow--embedding it into the wall.
"Stay out of this!" Xie Lian crawled forward to him like a madman. For a moment Feng Xin was fearful of his usually patient friend's wrath but he resolved his fear all the same. This was still his friend. His friend who was in pain and grief looking for a quick way out. Xie Lian was in pain and Feng Xin, always looking after him and so used to protecting him, lunged to help.
He tackled the boy with the youthfulness that they used to have roughhousing in the gardens. First, he tries to get the upper ground by pinning Xie Lian to the ground. Xie Lian shot his head forward hard enough that their foreheads crashed into each other painfully. Feng XIn suddenly registered why Xie Lian’s forehead might have been bloody before as his forehead was smeared with blood. Despite that pain, Feng Xin got to see how much weaker his friend had become since his shackle was placed. If Xianle was still prosperous that hit would have done more than give a headache.
Nonetheless, it still made him falter and Xie Lian pushed him away.
He was quick to recover and grabbed his ankle to pull him away from the blade he was moving towards. Tears stung his eyes as he whispered, "Please Xie Lian, we'll be okay."
Xie Lian turned to kick him but that only helped Feng Xin grab his other ankle to prevent movement. Still, Xie Lian was strong and managed to jump forward and tackle his former bodyguard.
They rolled over each other trying to gain the upper hand until Feng Xin's legs wrapped around Xie Lian's hips to hold his friend's back steady against his chest and abdomen. In Xie Lian's desperation to free himself he grabbed onto the legs around his waist and tried to claw them away which, in turn, finally, allowed Feng Xin to grab hold of each wrist. He crossed the arms over each other and held them securely across the opposite side of the prince's stomach. Xie Lian paused in this movement to try and pull his arms back with growing panic. Feng Xin tightened his legs around his hips and dropped his head to his shoulder.
"Calm down, Xie Lian," he whispered through both of their quickened harsh breaths. "Please. It's only me. I've got you."
Arms still crossed against his stomach and anger still making him shake and turn, Xie Lian let out a guttural scream. He didn't respond to Feng Xin's sniffle or his heavy weight against his own back. He screamed again; this time the anger broke off into a sob.
Feng Xin cried along with his friend, but unlike his friend's muted whimpers, Xie Lian's cries were loud and shaken. A childish screech and a jolt of his body trying to be free. "We'll be okay, Xie Lian. I'll listen, I promise." This time, the scream that followed was not anger, but anguish. Raw and broken. He looked up at the ceiling and blubbered out words Feng Xin could not understand. In the midst of it all, Xie Lian held onto Feng Xin's hands the best he could-- screaming as he squeezed his friend's hands.
Feng Xin now grasping the grief Xie Lian was trying to process let go of his wrists and moved his arms to circle the boy's biceps. Still, to secure his arms, but also simply to hug his friend who was still such a young boy grieving his mom and dad. Xie Lian's body dropped as he groaned and sobbed. Head hung low enough to make his back slouch, hands now pressed against his eyes. His resolve and crazed strength now broken.
Feng Xin's tightening arms gave more presence to the former prince, who moved his hands down and hugged the arms around his guard. Feng Xin pushed him closer to his chest, tightening his hold yet neither looking at the other's faces. Both sitting with their pain and grief laid out how they wished.
Feng Xin found himself rocking them. Mimicking the memory newly etched in his brain.
Both sat there swaying back and forth.
Back and forth.