Chapter Text
Alastor: *ranting in french*
Kyle: I DON’T SPEAK BAGUETTE
Carmilla: ITS FRENCH YOU IDIOT
Kyle: that’s basically the same thing
Carmilla: Baguette is a type of bread you nitwit
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Kyle: How pink do you guys like your chicken?
Alastor:…… I BEG YOUR FINEST PARDON GOOD SIR
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Velvette: About to start the research to figure out a way to take down heaven how we feeling?!?
Overlords: WOOOOOOO
*72 hours later*
Velvette: its been three days, how we doing?
Alastor: *screaming*
Zestial: preach I say!
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Alastor: so ive been asked by Emily to explain my life in hell
Emily: *mad hyped*
Alastor: ohman buckle up buttercups your in for a rough ride
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Alastor: what if I killed everyone?
Zestial: what if you didn’t?
Alastor: what if we killed everyone?
Zestial:….
Alastor:…..
Zestial: CARMILLA, IMMA NEED SOME GUNS
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AUTHOURS NOTE: I was binging the hamilton sound track
Michale….
Lucifer:……
Michale: look I know i-
Lucifer: *hugs* im just glad your ok
Vaggie: forgiveness….
Charlie: can you imaginnnnneee
Hell: forgiveness…… can you imaginnneeee
OK continue
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Angel dust: *angry yelling in italian to valentino*
Charlie: whats he saying
Husk, who understands everyword: I feel the urge to remind all of you that angel grew up in the 30s-40s in an Italian mafia… very… colourful language is being used of which I am NOT going to translate into English
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Valentino: GOD! I cant stand you
Alastor: then sit down
Valentino: excuse me?
Alastor: you are excused, please, get the fuck out of here.
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*Post alastor getting stabbed by adam*
Charlie: how are you not double dead?
Alastor: pure spite
Charlie: seriously
Alastor: if im dying im doing it on my terms, not that of some white bitch
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Alastor: Respect your women
Valentino: fuck no
Carmilla: *wielding an axe and eyes gone avatar mode*
Alastor: your funeral buddy
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*valentino storms into the hazbin hotel*
Val: ANGEL, YOU FUCKING SLUT- *gets kicked in the face by a hoof*
Alastor: sorry my foot slipped into your face
Alastor: *stabs him with an angelic blade*
Alastor: Ah, appears as though you fell into my knife
Alastor: *stabs him several more times*
Alastor: many times
Alastor: *rips off lower arms*
Alastor: your arms appear to have fallen off your body, how tragic
Charlie: should we stop him?
Angel: NO!!
Vox and Velvette:…..
Vox: well atleast I don’t have to worry about that anymore
Velvette: solves our issue
Alastor: Ah, your eyeball appears to have attached itself to my knife, how terrible… FOR YOU
Vaggie: hes clearly been wanting to do this for a while
Alastor, now covered in blood: 20 fucking years vagatha
Vox: *panic so gay it makes the gay, gay*
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*carmilla training vaggie*
Carmilla: I brought help
Vaggie: for training
Alastor: bonjour bitch
Vaggie: the fuck is he doing here
Alastor: Vagatha
Vaggie: its vaggie
Alastor: exactly what I said, how long have you wanted to punch me in the face
Vaggie: uhhhh
Alastor: be honest
Vaggie: a while
Alastor: well you wouldn’t wanna miss out would ya! Come on, punch me!
Vaggie: You sure your skinny twink ass can take it
Carmilla: the bitch survived an angelic blade, he can take a fucking punch
Alastor: insightful as always carmilla, now stop wasting time AND PUNCH ME!!
---
Velvette: do you think different paints have different tastes?
Valentino: they do
Velvette:…. You said that with such certainty
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Alastor: I feel fine
Charlie: you were stabbed
Alastor: I’ve been stabbed before
Charlie: YOU DON’T BUILD AN IMMUNITY TO BEING STABBED
Alastor: oh im sorry, is this OUR stab wound?
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Charlie: ohmygod alastor, are you alright?
Alastor, teary eyed: perfectly fine dear, its just the onions
Charlie: WHAT DID THE ONIONS SAY TOO YOU
Alastor: *dies*
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Charlie: I have a policy, if you see something, say something
Nifty: I saw a squirrel today
Charlie: outstanding, that’s what im talking about people!
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Angel dust: heya nif, whatcha got there
Nifty: A KNIFE
Alastor: NO!
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Carmilla: never break someones heart, they only have one
Alastor: break their bones instead, they got 206 of those bad boys
Carmilla: ALASTOR NO!
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Carmilla: must you always attack me with words?
Velvette: what do you want me to use, rocks?
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Zestial: life is like velvette, its short
Velvette: your only saying that cus your 10 FUCKING FEET TALL
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Clone Alastor: shot him! Hes the evil clone!
Carmilla *aims gun to the clone*: The real alastor would never pass up an opportunity to die
Real Alastor:….. do i?
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Charlie: wow, your so brave, you didn’t even hesitate to throw yourself into danger
Alastor: that’s because I have no regard for my personal safety, just ask carmilla!
Carmilla: I have never been so stressed in my entire fucking afterlife
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Alastor: *kills all the sexists and racist shits in hell*
Alastor: *tortures them on the radio*
Alastor: *becomes an overlord*
Alastor *got good jokes and knows a lot of shit*
Alastor: *can and will kill for anyone he remotely cares about*
Alastor: *feminist*
Carmilla: *sigh* guess I gotta adopt another one
---
*mothers day*
Card on carmillas desk: Thank you for caring about me and putting up with my bullshit, Happy mothers day! – Alastor
Carmilla: awwwwwww, OH AND HE GOT FLOWERS
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Carmilla: this is Alastor, Alastor will kill you if you offend anyone he remotely cares about
Carmilla: This is zestial, zestial will immediately respects you, lose that respect your never getting it back
Carmilla: this is velvette, velvette will not hold back on verbally offending you, she will scratch your eyes out
Carmilla: This is Vox, vox will publically humiliate you on live TV by revealing your darkest secrets
Carmilla: this is valentino, valentino can go fuck himself, no one would waste their life on him
Carmilla: this is kyle, kyle is not to be trusted near sharp objects
Carmilla: this is rosie, rosie will either be your best friend or your worst nightmare
Carmilla: this is Odette, Odette already has a posion crafted to your DNA
Carmilla: this is clara, clara will stab you without a second thought and wont regret it
Carmilla: offend any of them, aside valentino and kyle, you offend me, offend me and your utterly fucked, clear?
New overlord: *gulp* clear
Carmilla: wonderful!
Zestial: two weeks, max
Alastor: zestial be realistic!
Alastor: Two days at most.
---
Alastor: *does literally anything stupid*
Zestial: your so grounded
Alastor: WHAT! Carmilla?
Carmilla: no, I agree with zestial
Alastor: I AM GROWN MAN
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Rosie: love is a lie!
Alastor: *sighs* *summons shadow gun* who am I killing
Charlie: ALASTOR!! No!
Vaggie: no gun policy!!!
Alastor: ok fine!
Alastor: I’ll stab him
Charlie and Vaggie: NO
Alastor: rip him limb from limb?
Charlie: no. killing. Anyone.
Alastor: *sigh* fine
Alastor whispering to rosie: you got an address
Rosie: yeah why?
Alastor; Ill swing by your place tonight and we can kill the fucker
Rosie, crying: this is why your my best friend.
---
Valentino: Nice suit, does it come in mens
Alastor: I think you come in men enough for all of us
Zestial: *cackling*
Carmilla: *wheezing on the floor*
Velvette: *filmed the entire thing and is currently uploading it*
Kyle: unholy fuck
Rosie: *on the floor with carmilla*
Vox: *short ciruits*
*LATER*
People of hell online: THE RADIO DEMON IS A FUCKING SAVAGE
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Carmilla: wait, your telling me being sold into marriage isn’t normal?
Rosie: GIRL NO!
Charlie: how old were you?
Carmilla: 18
Angel dust: Girl that’s not normal….
Carmilla: no?
Zestial: no
Carmilla: oh well you guys are gonna be pissed when you find out it happened twice
Charlie: WHAT!
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*Carmillas 1st husband (Marco) in overlord meeting building thingy, shennanigans ensue*
Alastor: ohhhh, so you’re the shithead that killed carmilla and forced her daughters to watch
Marco: you’ve heard about me?! (smug not questioning)
Alastor: certainly!
Marco: so what, you gonna kill me?
Alastor: oh no I wont, but my buddy will, say hi zestial
Zestial as a looming shadow behind marco: Hey bitch
Marco: what *screams as his skin is torn off his body and dumped into a spare realm and hes turned inside out until his atoms tear apart, leaving a bloody stain on the carpet*
Overlords:…..
Alastor: well that was efficient!
Carmilla: zestial…
Zestial: he had it coming.
Clara Whispering to Carmilla: Marry him