Chapter Text
It's been a month since Momoka Kawaragi was to perform a rare solo live within a reasonable distance for Nina to attend. It's been a month and a few days since Nina got her ticket refunded. Maybe it was a lack of interest. Maybe, just maybe, everyone feels the same way about Diamond Dust as Hina does.
"She was the oldest member, but she couldn't even hold out until thirty. She abandoned her friends to go solo, and now..." Once upon a time, they spoke upon the rooftop. "She doesn't even deserve to be called a washed-up idol. She's no idol at all. I don't know what you see in her newer stuff."
"You don't get her like I do. You never will."
"I know. All you two know how to do is play the victim."
Nina clutches her stuffed Momoka Kawaragi to her chest, the first one released. It's her favorite one. The price didn't plummet when she went solo, but Nina got lucky with a lot on a secondhand site, and bought a shrine's worth of goods from an otaku who stopped caring from the moment she chopped her hair and started wearing pants. There's a reason she still has their return address saved in her notes, and it isn't a sane one. She's nothing more than a toxic fan.
It's been two weeks ever since Momoka's last EP came out. There's been rumors she won't release another. How ironic it is, then, that her heart decided to fixate on such a miserable fate on the very same day a classmate made her bleed.
Momokan wouldn't take this. Momokan would punch back. She's not some frilly idol, as fake as they come—she's strong, determined, and angry in the same way Nina is.
It's because of her that Nina ended up somewhere pathetic as this. She ran away, and she was punished for it by sleeping on her own doorstep in wait for the landlord to give her a key. That's what she gets for being as clueless as she is, but it's fine. This is fine. This is a chance to finally live, if only for a little while.
Momoka dropped out of school, too. Momoka traveled into the world beyond what she knew in Asahikawa, and made a name for herself, becoming the lead of one of the most influential idol bands in the industry. An idol band that Nina became a fan of a little before she entered high school. An idol band that promptly fell apart soon after, as though her interest alone could serve as a Hellenic oracle of disastrous proportions.
“VOID” was everything to Nina. It was everything she couldn't say, a song written by her idol who was only a little older than Nina at the time. No other song would resonate with her more, she thought, until Momoka left. Her solo work has kept Nina going. It's her life support, a voice telling her she isn't alone in this—Momokan has felt this way, too. The woman who couldn't express herself for so long ended up saving more than just herself when she finally broke her chains.
Nina wants to tell her that. To beg her to live, even when living is the most painful thing of all. Nina doesn't know how long she can keep existing without a purpose, but Momoka...
She's saved so many others, too. Nina knows it in her heart. She can't die before Momokan knows what she's done. Nina was doomed from the beginning, but it's because of her idol that she's gotten this far at all.
Being well-versed in social media tracking has become a necessary skill for Nina. If she wasn't, she wouldn't have been able to collect Momoka's solo discography at all. Unable to self-publish as effectively without a label, her CDs are all live-venue only. Nina's only managed to keep her collection complete thanks to stores near her home that stock goods from Tokyo.
Maybe if she took the plunge to come to Tokyo sooner, she'd be any good at navigating this concrete jungle. It just means she's struggled this much for Momoka, and Momoka deserves to know it. She should know how much Nina has changed as a result of her idol.
That's why Nina is currently standing in front of a dive bar with her phone held close to her chest. Momoka wrote about attending a party here, a bar for adults only. Why couldn't she have gone to an Izakaya where a dropout high schooler like her could get in without a problem?!
"Um..." Nina opens the door to the bar, unsurprised by the bouncer seated right next to it. "Excuse me, c-could I please—"
"You got an ID kid?" The bouncer quirks his lip up, not hiding his amusement at the sight of her. "If not, then scram."
"Wait, please—!" Nina slams the door behind her, and in her panic, raises her voice. "I-I'm not here to drink or anything, I just—I really need to see Momoka Kawaragi! I know she's here, and I know I won't get an opportunity to talk with her one-on-one this easily again, so please, let me in!!"
A desperate plea is paired with a deep bow. All she gets in return is a bout of laughter, mocking her in much the same way as all those who don't believe in her. It hurts.
"You kidding?" The bouncer snorts. "Get lost, kid."
Lifting her torso up but not her head, Nina feels the whole world spinning around her. Momoka is just beyond this folding wall, but she can't even see her idol. Is there nothing she can do to make her way in? The tears forming in the corner of her eyes sting with the intensity of a thousand burns. Momoka...Momoka—
"Oi." A voice Nina would recognize from anywhere rings in her ears. Is she hallucinating or..."You the kid that was shouting just now?"
Kid...Is that meant to refer to Nina? Slowly lifting her chin, her heart stops as she sees a pair of silver eyes staring directly into her own. Momoka...Momoka is looking at her. Momoka is—oh God. Has the world always spun this fast?
Momokan...Momokan. Momokan, Momokan, Momokan.
Momoka Kawaragi is real. Momoka Kawaragi is here. Talking to her, looking at her, slurring her words, and forcing Nina to smell beer on her breath. Nina could die right here, right now, and she wouldn't even be mad. She got this far, right? Hah...
"Looks like she's gonna pass out." Momoka narrows her eyes. "Fuck's up with her?"
"Big fan of yours, apparently," the bouncer responds, leaving Nina to stand in this disassociative state of shock. "She looks like she's in middle school."
"I'm not," she wants to reply, but the words don't escape her. Instead, her heart shows itself through her voice. "M-Momokan, I love you, Momokan..." More than she can profess, more than her brain is able to process. She'll never be able to smell that brand of beer again without thinking about her. Maybe this is a sign she has to start drinking it herself. "M-Momokan..."
The bouncer looks dumbfounded, but Nina can't look away from her beloved idol. To care about something else at this moment would be an admission that she cares about anything else in this godforsaken world that isn't Momoka Kawaragi.
"Woah, shit..." The world is spinning around her, again and again, moving along while Nina stays frozen in place. Is Momokan walking closer? She barely notices the woman looking at the keychain plushie on her purse. "Fuck."
"...Momo...kan..."
"Haaah. Just—let 'er come in, what's the worse she's gonna do?" Momoka slaps the bouncer on the back of the head, as if she were holding a beer bottle instead. Dangerous lyrics make for a dangerous woman. Nina can only think about how an impact from Momoka would sting in comparison to some of the girls from Kawasaki. "Lemme babysit her, 'else I'm never coming back to your bar again. Kid's too starstruck to move."
Nina isn't conscious enough to hear her words. Momoka catches onto her state of mind faster than Nina can. She's falling into her idol's arms before she knows it, forced to cling onto the strong and sturdy body she's been fantasizing about ever since Momoka gave her a reason to live. Instead of a bout of swears, all the unconscious Nina can hear is the thick, unserious laughter of a former idol who just experienced the funniest thing she had in years.
Momoka's embrace is heaven. She never wants to leave.
Nina comes to as she's seated in a booth, a glass of water being brought to her lips. Rolling back her head a bit, she lets the cool liquid pool in, swallowing it gently. It's nothing close to the water back home, but that's expected in the city, right?
When she opens her eyes and sees whose hand is guiding her cup, she feels like she might faint all over again.
"Hey, hey." Momoka's voice echoes in Nina's ear, a cacophony as beautiful as it is distracting. "No more fainting on me, kid. Try to stay awake, at least. Didn't you wanna get my autograph or something?"
An autograph? Yes, Nina wants that. She wants so much more, though. Nina can barely utter a word at best, so she tries to communicate by simply moving her head. Caught between wanting to nod and shake, she ends up tilting her head from side-to-side, only making her dizziness worse.
"Uh. I guess that's a maybe?" Momoka raises the glass once more. "Here, drink up. You might vomit, but that's a sign of honor in these parts, even if it's just water."
How strangely encouraging those words are. Then again, it shouldn't surprise Momoka that much at all, not when her idol is the very same who wrote "VOID." Gulping it down, Nina forces herself to steady her breaths in the same vein. Okay. She's going to be okay. Momoka is here, and she's talking to Nina like a friend. Everything is going to be okay.
"Momokan—" Nina catches herself with a sharp inhale. No, she's no longer going by that frilly name anymore, is she? "Momoka-san. I...I have so much that I need to say to you. I don't know how I'll be able to get it all out..."
"Eh...?" Momoka raises her brow, eyes wide as the moon outside. "Seriously? What, are you gonna confess your love or something? I'm afraid I'm probably a bit too old for you..."
"I-It's more serious than that!" Nina's passion vomits itself onto the table. Metaphorically, at least for now. "W-What I mean is, I...I'm admittedly a newer fan of yours, but it's your music that's helped motivate me to keep living. My favorite Diamond Dust songs are the ones from before your label made you take on an idol-like image, and when I listen to your newer solo work, I feel more of a connection to it. I can feel your passion and love for your work. It's vibrant and warm, and I...Ugh! I had all of this planned out in my mind, so why is it not making any sense when I say it now?!"
Nina doesn't have a moment to take in her surroundings, and that's exactly why she finds herself fumbling the most important conversation of her doomed, depressing life. Beyond Momoka, what does she have? Absolutely nothing, and yet...
She's made herself a fool in her eyes. How badly it burns. Her cheeks should be flushed, but she's as pale as a ghost. When Momoka's silver eyes stare into her own, her voice catches in the back of her throat. She's really here. In this terribly loud bar, nestled away in a place where Nina is safe from whoever's prying eyes might stumble upon her. With a face like this, maybe babysitting was the right term for this, after all.
...Babysitting. No way. Did Momoka really say that? Or is she dreaming?
"...Calm the hell down." Momoka finally fills the air with something other than Nina's slight hyperventilation. She sits across her, beer in hand, another pushing back her bangs. "S'at really it? You like my stuff?"
"L-Love your stuff," Nina corrects, taking a deep, deep breath. It feels like she's getting drunk off the sight of Momoka Kawaragi alone. "Everything you make...All of it, even when you were at your lowest. You're the reason I'm still alive today, Momoka-san. I just moved here, and I saw your post, a-and—"
"You just had to take your shot at entering a sleazy place like this." Momoka finishes her sentence. It's the only thing it takes for Nina to finally feel guilty about having visited her here, all in some sick, selfish desire to see her idol. Momoka must experience this daily. Nina can't imagine a world where she's the only one who looks up to the introverted idol in such a way. "I know I don't get out much, but that's a lot, 'specially for someone your age."
"No, Momoka-san." Momokan, Momokan, she wishes she could forget the nickname altogether. She never knew it would be so hard to show her favorite person in the entire world the respect she deserves, but here she is, barely holding herself together. "It isn't a lot at all. I-I might have never gotten a chance like this again, so..."
Maybe she's been worrying herself sick over nothing. Maybe this night of madness is just a new normal for Momoka. An end to her career? Nina can't imagine that, no matter how "special" of an occasion her going out for a proper all-nighter might be. Momoka isn't going anywhere.
...She thinks that, but Nina isn't fully confident in her own assessment. Not when she sees the way that Momoka is looking at her now. Any placating smile she wore before is entirely wiped by an emotionless face, eyes slowly blinking as they stare at Nina in contemplative study. Oh, God, is she upset? Did Nina say something wrong? She must have, why else would she be making such an expression?
"If you like my music so much, then..." Momoka reaches into a bag that's on her side of the booth. "Here. My last CD."
Last. Surely she meant latest, right? Yes, that's definitely what she meant. Oh, Nina doesn't have this one. At least, she doesn't think she does. She has all of Momoka's album art memorized, even if they do tend to be nothing more than silhouettes. A new album from her favorite artist, being handed to her by her idol. She must be dreaming.
"Wait, are you—d-do you mean...Are you trying to give this to me for free?!" Nina's eyes shoot up while her hands dart down, reaching into her pathetically organized purse, looking for any change she can find. "No, no, I have to compensate you somehow, I can't just let you give this to me for nothing—"
Nina throws down a hundred yen coin as she searches for more. Momoka's deft fingers quickly snatch it as she pushes the CD against Nina, giggling all the while. Nina lifts her head, greeted with a face so different than the one Momoka wore before. A smile so unlike the one she wore on stage with Diamond Dust.
It's breathtaking.
"You're really something, aren't you, kid?" Momoka keeps the coin held between her index and middle fingers, curling her hand into a fist and leaning her cheek against it. "What's your name, anyway?"
To think she's gone this long without even mentioning it. Yet isn't it impressive on its own that Momoka would want to know? Nina's heart swells in conflicted joy.
"Nina." She answers softly. "I'm Nina Iseri."
"Nina, huh?" Momoka says her name. Nothing can save Nina now except hearing her name on Momoka's tongue. "I think I'm starting to get it now. Coming down here without a real plan, wanting to tell me all about how much my music has changed your life, and even paying for a CD I'm offerin' up for free. You're a bit of a toxic fan, aren't you?"
"Eh?!" Nina knows it to be true, but it still hurts all the same. An ice shard to the chest, pure numbness threatening to drown out the world until Momoka speaks again.
"Not saying it like it's a bad thing." Momoka's grin widens slightly. "On the contrary, I'm glad I have a fan like you. You're toxic in a different way, one that might actually appreciate me as much as you say you do. You don't want me to quit, is that right?"
It's exactly what Nina was afraid of hearing. How easily she'd fall into the growing void in her chest if Momoka wasn't expecting an answer from her. This isn't just the chance to tell Momoka how much she means to her before she takes her own life. It's so much more. To think that Momoka is still talking with her, here, instead of enjoying one of her rare nights out...
Nina wasn't prepared for any of this. A conversation about her career, held at a time like this—private, loud, yet acting as a reprieve for the girl who feels as if she's about to suffocate on air. She wonders if Momoka prefers the emptiness of this private room as well, or if she'd rather be anywhere else. Nina clutches the CD to her chest. She would've kissed the Momoka silhouette if the woman wasn't looking right at her.
Maybe 'toxic' is too lenient of a term. Maybe, just maybe, she's something worse. That's how she feels, at least, taking in every detail of Momoka's beautiful face before forcing her intruding gaze to the table again.
"...I...I really thought you might. That's the last thing I want you to do, Momoka-san." Nina admits the obvious with her eyebrows furrowed, and her eyes welling up with small, insignificant tears. "I wanted to tell you how much your songs—a-and how much you mean to me, before that could happen. You've saved so many people with your music. I know how much you've struggled to get here, so...I probably just sound selfish, but—"
"...Hah. Nothing wrong with being selfish, Nina." Momoka places a finger to her lips, reaching across the table to do so. Her eyes have never gotten so wide before. She must look like a complete and utter fool. "You're just a kid. I didn't save you, or anyone, but it's nice to hear it coming from someone as passionate as you."
Maybe she's right. She didn't save Nina, after all—Nina isn't prepared to live here for the life of her. Staying here—staying alive for longer than it would take her parents to find out her true intentions, it's not something she's thought of. Her life ends with Momoka, just as it seemingly began.
"Even if you're right about that," Nina quietly replies, forcing back her tears, "that doesn't mean you can't save others. Even if I'm not here to hear the rest of your work, even if I die before it, at least you'll be doing what you love. At least you'll be saving others who love you just as much as I do, Momoka-san...!"
"Huh?" Momoka's finger twitches as she pulls it back to her side, curled in confusion just like her lip. "What are you even saying?"
How can she not get it? Isn't it obvious? Nina can't hold it back any longer. She needs to let it all out, just like Momoka does in her songs.
"I don't have all that much longer left inside of me, Momoka-san." Nina clutches her hands tightly on her lap beneath the table. She can feel her body flaring as her memories spike their way through her. "I ran away from my home without much of a plan to follow. I left because I wanted to prove that I wasn't wrong, and that maybe somehow, I could prove I was right. In reality, I don't think I'll ever be able to do that in a way anyone else but you could understand. You gave me the courage to leave my family and school behind, to try and make it on my own. You saved my life, Momoka-san, even if it's for only now. I came here to tell you that exactly, to have you understand your impact on me. I don't ever expect you to love me back or even acknowledge me, but I want you to know that I will always be your fan, no matter what it is you do, so long as you keep making music. Please, if not for me, then for the people who've been touched by your music. You're still loved, Momoka-san!"
Taking in a sharp breath and then letting out a slow exhale, Nina feels her lungs recovering from her own long-winded confession. Somehow, she did it. She managed to say every last detail, no matter how embarrassing or unworthy it was to touch Momoka's ears. Nina rubs her thumbs on top of each other, eyes fallen down to the table. She never really thought past this moment. How Momoka could react might determine how much longer Nina chooses to live.
What an unfair thing to pit upon her idol.
"Huh." Rather than a laugh, a consoling pat upon her head, or even an angry scowl, Momoka offers Nina somehow the most anxiety-inducing reaction of all: confusion. "That's...Quite a lot."
It is. It's too much. Nina shouldn't have come here. She should have known—
"Man, you're really screwed up." Momoka somehow tops herself and says something even worse. "Even for a teenage girl. I'm guessing your home life ain't all that great if you're hedging your bets with some washed up idol."
"...Hedging..." What is Momoka saying? "What...What do you mean, Momoka-san?"
Nina's never seen her beloved idol make such an expression. Then again, she's never seen Momoka like this before. No amount of forced performances could compare to this, tantalizing breath and all.
"What do you think I'm saying?" Momoka takes a long sip of her beer, causing Nina to quietly flinch. This fear of being the thing to upset her idol is going to persist for as long as Momoka knows she exists, huh? "I mean, you're gonna kill yourself if I quit, right?"
Nina blinks. Oh, god. Did she actually mess up her spiel so badly as to imply that? Has she seriously led Momoka into a situation where she's forced to carry this burden? So what if it's a misunderstanding? Nina still feels terrible. She shakes her head quickly, hoping to atone.
"N-No, Momoka-san, it's not like that at all...!" Her throat suddenly feels dry, but her water is empty, and it wouldn't taste as good as it did when Momoka brought the cup to her lips. "I was...I was going to do it anyway, I just—I wanted to tell you, to just..."
"...To what?" Momoka doesn't understand. Nina shouldn't have expected her to. There's no anger in her voice, but every second that goes on like this has Nina feeling sick to her stomach, aches running through her veins like wine. "I don't get it. You're telling me not to quit, and then you're saying you won't even be there to listen to whatever else comes out of my twisted mind...There's nothing 'rock' about dying this young."
Momoka is smart. Wise beyond her years, maybe. It's only someone like her that could talk this sort of sense into Nina, a girl who decided her fate before she even left her family behind. They're waiting for her to enroll in classes, but here she is, silently crying in the face of Momoka Kawaragi. She might not understand Nina on a personal level, but she understands her enough to tell her what an idiot she is.
If only she knew what to say.
"...I don't give a damn about whatever theoretical you're thinking about. You're the only person I've ever met who told me my music's saved you. I can't care about people who don't exist." Another sip, another tear. Nina can't bring herself to move, not even to wipe her face of the mess she's made. "C'mon. Don't tell me you wouldn't be even a little jealous about someone else listening to me when you're too dead to hear it. That's what toxic fans are for."
It's as if Momoka just threw her drink in Nina's face. Cold, sticky, and gross, but also strangely refreshing. Like she's been wilting all this time, and just a few words from her idol acting as the rain. It's...It's...
"Momoka-san..." Nina feels a weight lifting off her shoulders bit-by-bit. A weight she thought could only come off at the end of her life. Instead, it came in the form of ironically sobering words.
"Oh, there's a bit of color on your face finally." Momoka sticks out her finger again, and this time uses such a holy instrument to poke Nina's cheek. "I was wonderin' if you're usually this pale. Guess not, eh?"
"Momoka-san...!" It's all too much, and yet somehow not enough. Momoka is right. How could Nina die knowing she'll never hear Momoka sing again? "I'm sorry, Momoka-san! I-I won't die. I'll live long enough to hear you sing again! Even if it's not for a long time, I'll keep rooting for you anyway. I promise you, Momoka-san!!"
Nina's vow comes out as a garbled mess of hiccups and sniffles. So indistinguishable that she wouldn't even feel bad if Momoka couldn't understand a word she says in this loud bar. Instead, Momoka grins and chuckles, seemingly satisfied anyway.
"Yeah?" Momoka smirks. "That's good to hear, then. Now, I hope when you say you ran away that doesn't mean you have nowhere to stay..."
How easily could Nina lie here? Say she hasn't been able to pick up her keys, or better yet, came so without a plan that she doesn't have a place to call her own. That isn't the truth, though. She shouldn't lie to her idol, no matter how much she wants to.
"I do." Nina sheepishly answers as she ducks her head again. "It's a few stops from here, actually..."
"Hmm..." Momoka closes her eyes, and then re-opens them. "Okay. The trains only run for a little while more, so let's get you back there, then."
"Yes...Huh?" Just as Nina accepts she's finally being kicked out, Momoka surprises her with her wording. What does she mean by that? Is she escorting Nina to the train? Why would she go that far for someone like her?!
"Place doesn't have the good shit on tap, not worth staying." Momoka shrugs. Her explanation is perfectly sound to Nina, no matter how omnivorous she knew the woman to be with her favorite drink when it came to interviews. She'd drink anything then, and now, she's using it as an excuse to leave a place she was supposed to enjoy to the fullest. Nina can't get ahead of herself in wondering if that's true. "I'll grab us a sixer on the way there, turn this shitty party into an even shittier one. You look like you need a nice welcome to Kawasaki."
-♡-
Nina can't breathe. The suffocating atmosphere of the dive bar is nothing compared to the intoxicating nature of Momoka Kawaragi. Seated in an entirely empty train, Nina can barely contain herself, repeating the words of her idol as many times as it will take to pass the moments by.
Momoka isn't going to quit, so long as Nina is alive to listen to her. Momoka cares enough for her fans to see Nina gets home safely. On top of that, she's seemingly desperate to turn her flop of a night into something better. The migraine she's nursing from all the crying is nothing compared to the high flooding through her veins.
Momoka calls herself a washed-up idol, but Nina knows differently. She's so effortlessly beautiful, extruding the sort of elegance few can match, even in an outfit like this. Torn jeans, a cropped top that shows her stomach, all with a flannel down her arms in a way that shows her broad shoulders—she's the epitome of 'rock,' but to Nina, she's more. She can't imagine how stressful it was to have an industry constantly forcing her into a box. She can't imagine people looking at her and seeing anything less than the most beautiful woman imaginable.
"You're still in school, aren't you?" Momoka breaks the silence. With an arm behind her head, she fully relaxes, perfectly fooling Nina into seeing her as the relaxed and easygoing person she's always been. She can't fathom her idol to be anything close to a woman who desperately needs a sip from her flask.
"...I would be in my third year if I didn't drop out, yes." She doesn't know why she feels so embarrassed about it. Maybe because of how little motivation she has to even continue what her father expects of her. There's no way she'll survive in that kind of environment again. "I don't know if I would have been able to without you. Knowing how far you got despite it..." Only for her to suffer in the industry, anyway. Nina ran away, but Momoka was trapped for so very long. She knows exactly how that feels. It's a thought that hits her just as hard as it usually does. "...And—knowing how you finally ran away from what you couldn't handle. When you left Diamond Dust, it was a sign that I didn't have to suffer anymore either."
It feels good to get it all out. Every last bit, no matter how embarrassing, comes tumbling out Nina's mouth. Rather than reject her for it, Momoka regards Nina with a slanted smirk, eyes crystal clear as they watch her. Somehow, Nina hasn't made Momoka uncomfortable in the slightest.
"Ah, this is my stop!" Nina stands up just before the train settles, a mistake she should know better than to make. As it lurches forward on its brakes, she stumbles and forces her leg out to catch herself. That is, until her head is caught in a familiar embrace that's just as warm as it reeks of beer.
"Careful there, kid." Momoka warns as she steadies Nina onto her feet. "No need to break that cute nose of yours on the way back home, right?"
Cute...Momoka...Did Momoka just call Nina cute?
Nina short-circuits long enough that she hardly notices the two of them are already heading inside a convenience store. Weren't they just on the train?!
"You wanna pick up a snack?" Momoka wags her card in her hand. "My treat."
"Oh, um..." Nina looks around, her stomach flipping over itself like a pancake. "A-Actually, I think I'm good."
"Really? Suit yourself, then." Momoka heads towards the back where the beer is. It seems she really does intend on making herself welcome in Nina's home.
Speaking of, she hasn't even had anything to eat yet, has she? In spite of how unsure she feels in her stomach, Nina wanders over to where the pre-made food lies in wait. She could probably handle a yakisoba roll, right? Maybe some chips, too.
"Changed your mind?" Momoka finds her in the aisle, a six pack held under her arm. "I get it. Happens to me all the time. In fact, since I haven't had the chance to eat like a pig in a while, let me see what they've got here...Aha. Nice~"
Momoka holds up her own presumed dinner, a shoyu ramen bento that smells absolutely delicious. Sheepishly, Nina grabs a second yakisoba roll for herself. If Momoka's going to eat a lot, then so should she, right?
"...Pft. Cute." Momoka shakes her head, her eyes such a dangerous shade of glistening silver. She could stare at Momoka for forever, Nina thinks, her cheeks finally hot enough to burn. She's never blushed this much in her life. "Bet you haven't filled your fridge yet, then."
"...Yes, I haven't." Nina utters, embarrassed by her own incompetence. Her bags are just barely unpacked, and in her empty, dim apartment lies an incomplete shrine. It's as empty as she is, oddly befitting of such a useless girl who couldn't even handle a little bit of bullying. How badly she wants to prove them all wrong, even in the face of death. Perhaps she'll have to start thinking of a life beyond one where she's buried. "I-I really didn't expect to have anyone over, and I didn't know how long I'd even stay...I even arrived late to get my keys the first night!"
She's so pathetic. Pathetic, and all too willing to express as much to her beloved idol. How Momoka continues on without laughing at her outright, she'll never know, head hanging low as the woman begins the process of checking out. Her card is out before Nina can even think about fishing into her purse for her wallet.
"Momoka-san," Nina quietly begins, the two walking in the dead of night. Nina's holding the bags while Momoka is carrying her beer just as effortlessly as a woman with admirable strength should. "You're...You're so nice, I don't understand it at all. You got me dinner, you're walking me home, and you even gave me your album for free..."
"It's two yakisoba rolls, Nina." She says her name again. It sounds so beautiful on her tongue, as if she's actually worth something after all. It feels like something she doesn't deserve. "Can't really call that dinner. Maybe I'll treat you for real some other time."
"...E-Eh?" No way, no way. "U-Um, if you want to...! Thank you, Momoka-san...!"
This really is like a dream come true, isn't it? Momoka isn't just hearing Nina out. She's talking with her. Taking her home, making promises to buy her dinner. Being so nice that there's no way Nina even deserves it. Surely Momoka has other fans she could be spending time with instead, even if she's not someone to appreciate them that way.
Nina wouldn't begrudge her for it. If anything, she'd be all too understanding if Momoka was disgusted by Nina and her insistence on inserting herself in Momoka's life. Even being looked at by Momoka was simply too much, so why...Why is she going to such lengths for a nobody like Nina?
"Eh. It's not as shabby as I thought it'd be." Momoka stretches as she looks at the apartment Nina calls home now. "From your story, I was sure you'd be living in a one room shack. Then again, they didn't give you a light for your room, huh...?"
"Yeah, I was surprised by that too." Nina mutters as she seats herself down at her tiny table meant for studying and eating. A dull surface as dull as her own personality, gripping the soba roll in her hands so tightly that it presses against the plastic wrap holding it.
The sharp chime of a microwave rings, and soon Momoka is entering Nina's room with her bento in hand. Rather than get to eating right away, Momoka instead procures from her pocket a hairband, pulling back her hair and tying it in. It's a short ponytail, which is expected given that she cut her hair after years of having it be so long, but it doesn't change the fact that Nina's heart is racing at the sight.
"What?" Momoka catches Nina staring, and rather than yelling or glaring, she simply asks why. She's too good of a person.
"Oh, um..." Nina forces her eyes down again. "It's just...I was thinking about how iconic that ponytail of yours in Diamond Dust used to be. Especially when you were younger. Somehow, I like the ponytail you're wearing with your new haircut even more. It's so short and cute, like you've regained a part of your youth. O-Or something like that. I'm sorry, I'm not making any sense again, am I?"
Momoka blinks. Maybe it's a good thing Nina has her feeling more dumbfounded than upset if only because of how little she feels she could handle her idol looking at her with any amount of hatred in her eyes. Instead, Nina is a baffling case, something the girl can agree with. Why Momoka has bothered going out of her way for her, however… ]That's something that can't be explained.
"Yeah, maybe you aren't.” Momoka’s brow crinkles. “I'm thirty, and you're calling me cute. You ever look in a mirror before?" She shakes her head, unable to hold back the terrible laugh that escapes her. "You're more dedicated to, uh...My whole schtick than I thought you would be. Usually, the guys care about more than the music, if you catch my drift."
...Eh?
Oh. Oh. Momoka's calling her out for being a creep, that's all. She's surprised she didn't call her an otaku outright, but...then again, she hasn't exactly seen her merch. Thankfully, Nina was unable to unpack it all. She's safe, with only her embarrassing words to incriminate her. Nina Iseri is truly incapable of shutting her mouth.
"M-My apologies! It's just—um, well. You...You write, you play guitar, and you sing—you do everything that makes your songs as unique as they are." She takes a deep breath before forcing the yakisoba roll into her mouth. As hungry as she is, her nerves are preventing her from enjoying the fried deliciousness entirely. "I was never really a fan of Diamond Dust, not even when you were still a part of it. It was always just you. I guess it must be weird, though, having a stranger feel this way..."
Momoka finally decides to join her, kneeling down next to the girl who can't hold back her feelings in the slightest. She wonders how jealous she'll feel the moment Momoka takes a bite. Oh, to be Momokan's dinner...
Terrible. Awful. So, so bad.
"...I mean, kinda. It's been a while, I guess. Most of my fans are around my age. Some settled down, some not." Momoka decides to cross her legs instead. It takes everything for Nina to keep her eyes on her yakisoba roll, rather than the woman's thighs. "Haven't been fawned over like a freshly legal idol since before I left. The fans that stuck for someone I wasn't...Must've burned my merch when they saw me wearing pants again."
Momoka's image, burned in flames, never to return? Nina's stomach churns at the thought of it.
"Sacriligious."
"Eh?"
"Ah! W-What I meant to say is, um, t-that I would rather those false fans of yours sold your merch rather than do something so heinous." Whew, saved it.
"I wouldn't exactly call them false fans." Momoka's smile can barely rise even as she clearly tries to force it. "More like...I deceived them, right? Even if I could have made the choice to quit earlier on, I didn't. Any fans I gained after that choice, I made them think that version of me was real, for no other reason than to gain as many as I could. Sickens me to think about it, these days. Knowing that the person who I really am is so despicable, who would want a reminder of that?"
"T-That's no excuse to destroy your image anyway!!" Nina puts down her yakisoba roll and walks over to the small table shrine she's set up in the corner. It's only got the few things packed in the box with it on top, but it's enough to make it clear who it's dedicated to.
"I've been collecting your merch for only a little while in comparison to your career." Nina explains as she begins organizing the shrine then and there with items from a box sitting next to it. "Even if you don't see the person in all these can badges as you, she still has your face! Underneath the makeup and hair, the frills and lace, you're inside each and every one of these acrylics. She's probably suffering just as much, but no amount of flames could heal her. What she needs is a home that says she's loved for who she really is underneath, and anyone who chooses to do away with your merch was never capable of being your fan anyway! All fans should know that anyone in the industry has to mask off parts of themselves. If they couldn't handle seeing that, then that's on them!"
Facing away from her own idol as she organizes images of Momoka's old look, the irony of the situation isn't lost on Nina at all. Rather, it's the sort of cringe moment where Nina's forced to reconcile with the fact that she's defensive of a younger Momoka she didn't even listen to when that Momoka was active. How crazy is she for that?
Sluuuuuurp.
Nina turns her head back to find Momoka is busy away eating her ramen, glancing over at Nina's shrine with an unreadable expression.
"I'll go over there and look when I'm done eatin'," Momoka promises. "Gotta eat this 'fore the noodles get soggy."
"...U-Um, you...probably shouldn't. It's not finished yet, anyway." Nina shakes her head, feeling too much like an idiot in front of the woman who shouldn't even be in her apartment to begin with. "It isn't like I'm able to decorate it with your current image, anyway. You'd be completely in the right to see these pictures of you as...someone else."
It's difficult to admit, honestly, but Nina wouldn't be a proper fan of her in the first place if she couldn't accept Momoka being the authority on herself. The way she feels is entirely justified. Just because Nina adores looking at Momokan doesn't mean her idol has to feel the same. That's probably why she cut her hair in the first place, got a few more piercings, and tossed the idol she used to be aside. She's beating herself up while Momoka Kawaragi loudly eats her dinner in response, something so absurd that it's almost funny.
"Maybe I'll look into getting some LTO Jukujo Momoka Kawaragi standees made, just for the passionate fans like you." Momoka speaks in an entirely serious tone, yet there's a knowing smile on her face. Nina doesn't know how to respond. Rather than a deafening silence overwhelming the two, Momoka's laugh fills the room instead. "You really are a shy little thing, eh?"
Shy. More like...Unable to fathom Momoka making a joke like that. Even the idea of it has Nina's heart racing, her cheeks painted a terrible shade of red. She's used to the gazes of Momoka from her merch, finding solace in the woman watching over her, but when Momoka Kawaragi is staring at her instead...
Apparently, that's something she's going to have to get used to. She can hold herself together just fine, but as soon as Momoka makes a joke like that, she's finished. She can't even bring herself to meet the woman's eyes, staring down at her plushies instead. "...I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable, Momoka-san."
"Pfft..." Momoka puts down her ramen, forcing a hand over her mouth as she swallows her bowl down. Only seconds later does any attempt at modesty fall apart as she laughs hard enough to knock her head back.
"Did...Did I say something funny?" Nina can feel her body bristling. Flashbacks to her school's rooftop with Momoka's voice ringing through her ears somehow leave a bitter aftertaste. She wishes she couldn't taste anything at all.
"No, no, you're just..." Momoka wipes a tear away from her eyes. Nina's heart races in conflict. How could she ever think of Momoka in the same way as those who hurt her? "God, you're so damn serious. You don't take being a fan lightly. No wonder even you consider yourself toxic."
That's the truth of the matter, isn't it? Nina hangs her head lower, hands clasped around an acrylic of Momoka that's wearing such a plastic smile.
"Still, I gotta say, the collection you've got is impressive." Momoka gets up from her seat and walks over, soon squatting down to look inside the box. As she pulls out a can badge, she bears a smile less pretty than the one she wears on its surface. Nina likes it better anyway. "Ugh, these photoshoots they had us take were awful. I remember dreading it every time~ Your collection looks pretty full, though. I'll say on behalf of everything you own that I'm glad they can be owned by a fan like you instead."
Momoka turns to face Nina with those words, and Nina's heart damn near stops. How is she supposed to go on knowing that Momoka truly believes that? Does she believe it? She must, shouldn't she? Momoka has nothing to lose in being awful to a fan of hers, not anymore. She could take everything in here and throw it in the nearby dumpster. Tell Nina to go back home and take her life in front of her parents if she's going to be so wishy washy about it. Instead, she's kind. Too kind.
"Momoka-san..." Nina's tears fall fast and hard. Trying to wipe them with her sleeves does nothing, as her eyes simply won't stop. "T-T-Thank you, Momoka-san! T-This isn't even half of what I brought here, so...I-I'm glad even this amount doesn't creep you out."
"What, seriously?" Momoka chuckles again. Nina doesn't take it to heart this time. She knows Momoka isn't making fun of her, just her obsession. "They must've been preeeetty cheap if a teenager could afford them. Then again, you're in a pretty privileged position compared to most. Did you come from a rich family or something? Wonder what your parents must've thought about you obsessing over some weird older woman~"
"Rich? No, no—not at all." Nina quickly defends herself, not wanting to think back to before she ended up here. Quite frankly, to think of her parents or even Hina right now might just kill her. "The only one who teased me was my older sister. She was surprised I didn't like any K-pop boybands instead."
"Pffft." The woman leans in, bringing a hand to caress Nina's freckled cheek. Her tears continue to fall, but it really feels as if time stops for a brief moment in time. The comfortable chill of her fingers, the warmth of her gaze, the beer and broth on her breath—oh, how Nina doesn't deserve it at all. "Maybe you deserved that kinda teasing, Nina. Any other girl your age would've gone crazy over those guys, but here you are..."
She sniffs. The tears won't stop. "...I-I guess...I'm just...different."
Nina doesn't have any other explanation to give her beloved idol. She's always been like this. Somewhat of an outcast, but never notable enough to make anyone determined to be her friend. As Momoka wipes her tears away, Nina wonders who else in her life would go to such an effort. Nobody bothered in the past, so why now?
Maybe Momoka is just different, too. Choked-up and embarrassed, all Nina can do is allow Momoka to keep reassuring her like this. Selfishness will always overwhelm her self-hatred, even now, sullying her beautiful idol's calloused fingers.
"You're a good different, Nina." Her silver eyes are shining, matched with a drunken red on her cheeks. Momoka is the most amazing person in the world. "I never thought I'd have a fan like you. It's making me feel all maternal and shit, just lookin' at you."
Maternal. That makes sense. She's so much older than Nina is, after all, but younger than her mother. "...Momoka-san being my mom," she snorts, finally laughing through the tears. "There must be some reason I feel weird about that, heh...I just don't know what it is. You'd probably make a good mom, anyway, I'm just the weird one."
"Mm..." Momoka chews on those words as she bites her lower lip before pulling Nina away from her shrine and into her arms. "Then in that case, you can call me your big sis instead~"
"E-Eh?!" Pressed against Momoka's chest and eyes widened in shock, Nina shakes her head fast as she sluggishly attempts to pull herself free of the woman's grasp. "N-No, that'd be even weirder...! I-I already have an older sister, and you're nothing like her, Momoka-san! N-Not that that's a bad thing, but..."
Face burning hot with blush, Nina continues to struggle with why it feels so strange to see Momoka in such a familial light. Maybe that's natural for some girls, to see their idols as senpai and sisters, but not for Nina. If anything Momoka is more of a...Goal.
Even Nina doesn't really get it. There's just something about the woman that draws her in. Her handsome face, her husky voice, her womanly body that looks way better in a pair of pants than a skirt. Then there's her personality, crude but honest. Sorrowful, but proud. She's everything Nina wishes she could be, but she doesn't want to be Momoka.
Wow. Momoka's chest is really so soft, isn't it? Warm, too. Warm in the best way possible. Nina stops her feeble attempts at struggling, and lets herself relax into Momoka's embrace. It feels so good, right? Why would she want to pull away?
"Momoka-san..." Nina whispers the woman's name as she relaxes, wrapping her arms around the woman's waist. "I just...I really like you, Momoka-san."
"...I know." Momoka doesn't stroke her hand through Nina's hair the way her sister does. Instead, she rolls her hand up and down Nina's back. It feels good...She kind of wishes she was wearing less so she could feel it better. "You really do remind me of my younger self in a lot of ways. I kinda wonder if you can sing."
"...Sing..." Nina repeats the word quietly, her heart beating a million miles a second. "I love singing Momoka-san's songs more than anything. I've always wanted to learn how to play guitar, too."
"Maybe tomorrow you'll let me hear it."
Right. The day has already gone so quickly. Any expectation for Nina to make her way out of Momoka's arms would probably kill her outright. Here and now, she's never felt more comfortable in her life. It's like she's floating on a cloud, relaxing against the only woman who wants to understand. Her music hits her right in the heart, and in doing so, it's as if their struggles become one. It hurts, and it's everything Nina has ever needed before. Momoka-san...
Momokan...