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Seb jumps out of the car excitedly, once more proud of himself, cheering with the crowd and smiling until his face was completely red. As Kimi gazed in awe at the german — as he often did — he realized he wasn't able to tear his eyes away from him for nothing in the world. Not even his beloved tifosi.
The overwhelming proudness, from another win from Sebastian, hit him in waves. Yet, he was not sure how to properly feel after finishing eighth. He knew Seb was much happier than him right now, and maybe that's what made him somewhat calm; Seb was at ease, jumping around and smiling like a child. Wearing his heart on his sleeve.
Kimi hums to himself as he continues to dwell on his and Seb's positions, keeping his gaze on him. Seb had taken off his helmet and balaclava in top speed, making his curls flow with his jumps towards his team. It was simply mesmerizing. Kimi had just taken off his balaclava.
The Finn finally snapped out of it when he saw the journalists approaching him. And then it dawned on him how many things were going on at once. Kimi couldn't really rationalize anything, not with so many voices and sounds and smells and sensations hitting him all at once.
Okay, so he was a bit overwhelmed, nothing to be ashamed of! Kimi dry swallowed.
Sweat covered every centimeter of his body, his long blond hair gluing to his face. His stomach freezing and jumping, too, and he blindly believes he could actually vomit right in front of this cameraman rapidly approaching his face.
He was back to normal after almost retching his scrambled eggs, and the shot of vodka he had earlier, in the poor guy's shoes when he had the sight of Seb smiling at him.
Kimi groans, even if shyly smiling, and closes his eyes, heading to his garage without looking at anyone nor anything. He wasn't getting anything more than a point, anyway. What would even be the point of an interview?
Kimi did what he needed to do, after running away from the press, his team and Vettel; he kept his concerns and feelings to himself — as he frequently did for the last 15 years of his life — and took a tiny break, which included some water and fresh air, before cameras and mics were on his face again.
Oh, well! The ups and downs of being a racer. At least he has his sunglasses on, now.
Kimi didn't do more than what he usually does when the cameras came running at him. He took some time to wave at his fans and sign some caps, or whatever piece of merch they shoved at him and continued to give half assed answers until people got sufficiently frustrated.
Then, making sure nobody even looked at him, putting up an angry face and earphones, he made his way to the ceremony, where Seb was already popping the champagne.
Kimi watched Sebastian winning the British Grand Prix. Seb seemed so disgustingly proud. Well, Kimi did feel proud, too; his chest swelling on proudness alongside so many people who also shared this unconditional faith in the German.
Kimi was getting drowned in a wave of emotions once again, so much so that Kimi himself could swear he would cry later that day — when people weren't screaming in ear and Seb wasn't close enough to see it
The Iceman was simply a facade, but Kimi was very glad it existed.
-
“Are you well?”, Lewis asks nonchalantly and out of the blue the next time he sees Kimi. It happens to be when Kimi is hurriedly leaving, hoping to get to his hotel as soon as possible.
The Finn curses under his breath, displeased with the fact that he wouldn't be able to simply say "myeah" and walk away to his freedom and bottle of vodka that he would drink in less than forty minutes. Lewis was simply that persistent.
He — lazily — turned on his heel to face Lewis.
“Mwoah, a bit frustrated with p8, but tomorrow the goal is another one, so...”, he murmured and wished this was enough, already turning his back on the man.
Lewis hummed in agreement. “Well, you classified better than your teammate, that's gotta count for something”, he silently followed Kimi.
Kimi huffs in response. It absolutely did not. “Maybe”, he indulges, yet the man doesn't respond.
Kimi is now pleased with the silence that came alive, as it is exactly what he wanted. The Finn heads to his car much more happy with himself.
Not even a minute spent dwelling over something that can't be undone! Amazing job, Kimi! He swears he can hear birds singing just for him, in such a harmony that he knows it can't be real!
And then he realizes Lewis's still right behind him.
“What?”, he asks, a bit irritated, yet still very much composed.
“You're a poor liar, man! What's up?", Lewis says with that adorable little smile of his, that always seems to melt Sebastian right away into a smile.
Kimi's smile didn't have the same effect on Seb. Lewis has that same kind of smile that Seb has; the infamous “I-Know-Better-Than-You-And-You-Know-It” kind of smile. Kimi himself knew that smile wasn't his forte. He was more of a “I-Do-Not-Know-What-To-Say-So-I-Will-Try-To-See-Your-Soul-Through-Your-Eyes-Or-Maybe-Just-Fuck-With-You-For-A-Bit-Because-You-Are-Being-Too-Serious-HaHa” kind of guy.
Why the fuck was he thinking about that, anyway? Fucking Sebastian could turn everything about him, even if he wasn't around. Sometimes Kimi understood where Mark was coming from.
“I can see it clear as day that you're unwell. That constipated face”.
“What do you want?”.
“I don't know, man- I want to talk”, Hamilton responds, just as softly as always, getting even closer to Kimi's car then Kimi himself.
Right now, Kimi believed the British wanted a lift, and he wasn't going to deny a lift to Lewis, was he? So he allowed Lewis to follow him, without saying a word. “We never really talk to each other. Guess we could do that, today, y'know? Catch up”.
“Talk about what?”, the finnish accent accentuated by irritation. The blue eyes narrowed in disgust, eyebrows furrowed and lips parted, as he looked to Lewis as if he had suggested they jumped in fire while only wearing underwear and singing along to some Abbey Road song.
He scratched his neck and opened the door.
“... Are you well?” Kimi rolls his eyes and sighs. “Hey I don't want to force anyone to do anything, just making sure you know I'm here and it's okay to feel things. Even the Iceman”.
The sky was already becoming starry behind those gray clouds, and Kimi thought about Lewis's question as he admired the clouds disappearing in the horizon.
“I don't care for this shit, honestly”.
The taste in his mouth is bland, yet he believes himself to be a bit bitter right now. Kimi does care, and he cares a lot. He cried a few amounts of times in the last months for various reasons, and felt genuine happiness, too, just like today when Seb once more celebrated a win.
Kimi feels a lot. And above else, he cares a lot more than he wants to. But being finnish, very fond of personal space and relatively shy helped a lot to construct his Iceman persona. Thanks, Finland!
“I don't want to talk about feelings, because I'm not feeling anything right now”, he sighed, and signed with a shake of his head to Lewis to enter the car, which he promptly did.
“It isn't good to not feel anything!”, Lewis says, and sniffs the air trying to discover what scent he's smelling. It's dutch flowers and vanilla. Not that Lewis will ever discover that, because Kimi doesn't care enough to tell him.
He starts the car and Lewis puts on the seat belt.
“I drive, I go home, I drink, I sleep, and that's it. Sometimes there's a party, or a girl, but nothing that makes me... Feel enough to actually feel something worth telling someone”, Kimi murmurs, as always, but this time just a little bit more jumbled, in hopes of Lewis not understanding.
Lewis smiles. Of course he did understand, Kimi thought.
“The feeling of feeling nothing is already a feeling, Kimi. Maybe not a good one, but surely one”.
“Hm”.
-
Lewis is looking through the window. The music is low, and he doesn't have a clue about who's singing, or what is it's genre. But it's okay, he's avoiding having to think or to focus.
He takes a deep breath and exhales.
“Can we talk?”, he asks in what comes out as a whisper.
The Finn side-eyes him, slightly worried at his voice tone. Lewis sounded... Anxious. He was, indeed, biting his nails.
Now Kimi understood why Seb was always taking his hand away from his mouth, it is a bit uncomfortable to watch.
Once more he dry swallowed. He felt bad for Lewis.
“What do you want to talk about?”.
“I was thinking you could tell me a bit of yourself– How you've been, and then–”
“Look, I like you, Lewis, but today was shit, and- I don't really want to talk about myself, much less right now”. He wishes he’s good at eye contact, so Lewis is able to see he does care.
“I'll start. I'm confused and pretty bummed”. Kimi bites the inside of his cheek.
“What made you feel that way?”
“I'm bisexual”.
And suddenly Kimi was paler than he already was.
If that is even possible.
“Can't believe I actually just told you that. I feel lighter already”.
Who would think Kimi would be happy for traffic? He sure was, right now. If there wasn't none, Kimi is sure that, from his incredibly unexpected braking, the car itself wouldn't be able to decide what to do, and people on the other lane wouldn't understand how Kimi Matias Räikkönen was crashing onto them.
He wouldn't, either.
With cheeks a bit flustered he now believed he sounded like an asshole trying to get out of "the talk" as soon as he opened his mouth.
“You're wh- With who?!”.
Lewis didn't know what to say after that, taken aback by the fact he gained such a reaction from Kimi. Lewis smiled sheepishly, maybe even guiltily. Not that the Finn was screaming, or actually that much fazed, but leaving Kimi with an open mouth, wide eyes and eyebrows knit together, while his voice was just a bit higher, was very unusual. And they almost crashed into the front car, too.
Lewis blinked a few times.
“Always hard to talk about yourself”, he thought.
“I'm bisexual. I like women, and men, too. It's pretty fun, if you decide to ignore some stupid people”, he jokes, but Kimi doesn't smile. Actually, he frowns.
Lewis prepared himself to be pushed away in the coldest manner possible, analyzing every single micro-movement from the Iceman.
Kimi wouldn't be a bigot, would he? No, no. He couldn't. He wouldn't. Lewis was now very conflicted by the faces Kimi was making while gazing at the horizon. Was he angry? Simply thinking? Maybe thinking “how can I kick Lewis Hamilton out of my car”?
“I don't know what to say. Congrats?”, the Finn says as the car ahead moved enough for them to go a bit forward. “I really don't know what you want to hear, but thanks for trusting me, I guess”.
The man sighed in relief and Kimi let a very rare playful smile take over.
“Thank you, Kimi”.
Kimi keeps his hands on the wheel, fidgeting, waiting for the rest. Lewis noticed it.
“I'm very scared, actually. It's the first time I've fallen for a man”.
Kimi softly looks at him.
“I don't have a clue about what to do. He's… He's very nice. Very very pretty, and has a weird sense of humor... I guess we complete each other, in a way. He's very dear to me, and I don't know what telling him what I feel will do to our friendship”.
“Are you talking about Seb?”, Kimi asks, the steering wheel suddenly feeling very sticky.
“What? No?! I-How– It isn't Sebastian! He's handsome and all that, but no, it's not him. It's just- it doesn't matter, re-”.
“Herranjumala, it's Nico!” Kimi practically screams and the engine dies “You're in love with Rosberg!”.
-
Kimi might have had a reaction. Sue him. He was right, and Seb was wrong.
“You two had a bet?”, the man asks in indignation, yet continues to rest his ankles on top of Kimi's thighs. They're both a bit tipsy already.
“Not an actual bet, just... A suspicion. I guess everyone on the paddock has one about it”.
“Do you think Nico suspects something? God, I wonder if Martin suspects something. The black bisexual driver who fell in love with his best friend. Shit, man. That's... Unreal”.
“How did you realize?”Kimi asked, genuinely interested, and threw his arm around the sofa.
Beer in his hand, empty vodka on the floor.
“How? I don't have a clue. One day he came to talk to me about something stupid and I just... I simply realized”.
The Finn hummed in understanding. Kimi didn't really want to talk about the race, much less about whatever this was. And he wasn't stupid, he knew Lewis was trying to get something out of him. Lewis wouldn't have come this far just to open up, especially with him.
If he didn't, he wouldn't ask "are you well".
He wrinkled his nose at the thought that suddenly came to him, feeling his eyebrows furrow.
“Why did you come after me?”. Hamilton acknowledged him, yet didn't tear his gaze from the tv. Some nba shit. “We're not even that close, are we?”.
“Well, no. But I'm friends with Seb, and you're too. I wanted to talk to him about this, but he was busy and you're someone I like to talk to, so here we are. And you seemed like you needed someone to talk to”.
Kimi smiled to himself.
“You know I have a life outside f1, right? I have friends”.
“Yeah. I do know. But still”.
They kept like this. Some easy teasing. Something profound. Sebastian. Nico. Mark. Jenson. Fernando. McLaren. Ferrari. Red bull. Love. Motorsport. Music. Whatever comes to mind.
The whole day passed in a flash. It was already past midnight when both fell asleep due to alcohol finally doing its job.
Kimi's mind felt hazy right before he fell asleep. The day was crazy, as most race days are. P8. It wasn't his goal, not even close. But what to do, right?
The Iceman can handle it.
Seb tried to cheer him up a bit today when they kind of brushed past each other, both in a hurry — or at least being reminded by their managers that they're late every five seconds. It didn't work well. It made Kimi even more self-conscious to go to the press and the fans to say pretty things after a shit race.
But Seb treated him right. Seb smiled at him like an equal, not a loser, not something to adjust. Seb simply smiled at him and joked with him and hugged him. Like an equal. Like Seb and Kimi, not as Vettel and Räikkönen, or Red Bull and Ferrari, but as Seb and Kimi. It was them. They were friends.
Lewis was probably right. He was a shitty liar and an open book to anyone who slightly knew him. Something was bugging him, and he knew it even if he couldn't put his finger on what exactly was doing this to him.
As he felt his heavy eyelids finally closing, and sleep gently cuddling him, Kimi swore he was going to understand the problem as soon as possible.
-
“You didn't answer my texts!”, the german driver half joked. Kimi could see he actually did care.
Sebastian was once more wearing those ridiculous blue sneakers, fidgeting in every way known to man.
“I was drunk”.
“Lewis said you two were talking”.
“We were drunk and talking”.
“Guess that's what happens when you are racing better than your friends, they get drunk without you”.
-
“Did you get to sit next to the window?”, Kimi asked, remembering their last talk right before entering their flights.
“I fought Mark for it. I'm afraid one day he'll hit me”.
“It's not impossible. I would hit you, you're very annoying”.
“And you're unpleasant”.
They looked each other in the eye. Seb couldn't hold his smile, and Kimi couldn't keep himself from smiling at the sight of it. They giggled.
-
“I know what I'm doing!”, Kimi grunted.
“You most definitely do not. Gimme!”.
The finn rolled his eyes and threw him the remote and left for the kitchen in surrender.
They decided to celebrate Kimi's p1 in Spa together, in Seb's hotel room, as he was clearly jealous of Kimi and Lewis, who recently began building a friendship.
Kimi returned from the world's smallest kitchen with two small vodkas in hand.
Seb was able to enrage himself in record time just as Kimi did earlier, trying, uselessly, to play the film they bought.
The german cursed the tv and the hotel staff in Finnish, alongside Kimi. The finn sheepishly smiled as Seb started to laugh at himself.
“We have some channels”, Kimi murmured and made himself comfortable on the sofa.
“I don't want to see any games today”.
“Thought you liked football”.
“Love it, but we promised to see a movie or something like that, not just another match”, Seb groaned and stretched his arms while yawning. “Are there any good movies on these channels?”.
“There's... Memento... Harry Potter... Scary Movie and... Brokeback Mountain”.
“Already saw Memento, Harry Potter and Scary Movie”, he said looking at the ceiling in boredom. “Brokeback Mountain is about the gay cowboys, right?”.
“I don't really know. It may be”, Kimi shrugs.
“Yeah, I saw people talking about it. I like Heath Ledger”.
“It's a two hour movie about gay cowboys and I never heard of it?”, Seb laughed and took the remote out of Kimi's hand.
“It's from 2005! Really, Kimi, how?”, he began surfing through the channels once again. He put his hand over his cheek, balancing himself on his elbow.
“Thought you'd want to watch the film, why are you searching for another one?”, Kimi asked, gulping the vodka once more.
He could feel his body once again going warm yet so, so cold. His stomach stopped, feeling like ice while he waited for a response.
Or maybe his liver was really beginning to get affected by the alcohol.
“I'll watch it some other day. There's Lord of The Rings! Wanna give it a chance? I think you'll like it!”.
-
They did give Lord of the Rings a chance. Or better said: Kimi agreed to watch it and fell asleep in less than an hour in.
He woke up on the couch, woken up by Seb's relentless toss and turn in his sleep, even alone in the king sized bed. Kimi sat and looked to the floor around the bed, questioning where all those pillows came from.
Whatever.
He got up very slowly. He looked around and carefully made a beeline to Sebastian, who was in shorts and a shirt almost two times bigger than needed.
“You're freezing”, he murmured to himself, as the blanket was thrown over the younger man. “Always doing stupid shit, aren't you?”.
Seb grunted with what seemed like a smile. That was enough for Kimi to smile with him.
He guessed it should've been very dark, as he felt his pupils dilate.
“Yeah I do stupid shit”, Seb murmured and turned once more with a smile, already falling asleep again.
“Yeah. I love you”.
He said.
Kimi said I love you. To Sebastian.
They were pretty close. Physically. Right now.
Seb was dozed off on sleep. Kimi wasn't. Not anymore.
Kimi said I love you.
He had said I love you to Sebastian Vettel.
Kimi said I love you to his best friend.
“Love you too, Kimi”.
Kimi felt his cheeks quickly burning up. His heart was trying to get as far as possible from his chest, or so it seemed. He could feel sweat appearing in his face, neck and arms. Kimi was fully aware that it wasn't one of those hot nights, it was his own reaction to his own stupidity.
He didn't respond to Seb, who fell asleep immediately after, still peacefully smiling. Kimi fell on his own bed and tried to sleep.
The sleep never came, and he left the room before dawn.
He had said I love you. And the worst part was that it hadn't felt unnatural, but he had never said it to Seb before. It felt right. It made a weight he hadn't known was there simply fly away.
It made things easier.
Sebastian apparently slept very well after the "I love you", if sleeping quietly is anything to go by. It made Kimi think clearer, too. But he wasn't so sure he liked it that much. It made things real, too; almost palpable.
Kimi said he loves Sebastian. And it made his heart flutter and his stomach hurt, threatening to put his dinner out once more.
Yet Kimi didn't fully acknowledged it. He felt something. But he did not know what it was. At least not completely.
Sure, he now knows he loves Sebastian. He's dear. That's all he needed to assume to himself? Kimi could live even after admitting to having a favorite person. It wasn't so difficult! Kimi was almost proud of himself after admitting his favorite person is Seb.
That is until that bitter taste is once more hitting his mouth. And his stomach is once more doing donuts, freezing himself in the same place in front of his own hotel room.
“That's ridiculous”, he breathed. His hands clammy as he uselessly tried to wipe them in this stupid Ferrari jacket he still had on. The man grabbed it and took it off, grunting under his breath, trying to keep calm.
The corridor felt heavy. It didn't have windows anywhere near, and the air conditioner was apparently broken.
Kimi opened the door in defeat. It was four in the morning.
-
At first, Kimi was ashamed of himself, embarrassed even, but Seb made sure to repeat “I love you” throughout the day as many times as possible.
Lewis was smiling at them and giggling like a school girl without indiscretion, which made Kimi considerably uncomfortable — and Seb was very much curious to understand what he thought was some kind of inside joke between his friends.
Kimi shrugged and said Lewis was simply being annoying to match Seb. Seb gave up after that, it was one of the first times they were all flying together and he didn't want to ruin it because of his stubbornness. Or as some people around the paddock said: Sebastian's inability to shut his mouth at any given moment.
Eventually, Lewis fell asleep, following Kimi's step, who dozed off not even 40 minutes into the flight.
That left Sebastian quiet for the first time since the race. He looked at Kimi, seated in front of him. The finnish man slept with such ease it amazed the german.
For some little time, analyzing Kimi's face — counting every single red blotch that must've been a pimple — was his distraction. He kept attentive to every detail, until Kimi's face was already too much of a regular for Sebastian and not even the long blonde hair peeking out of the red Ferrari hood could keep him entertained.
Seb looked at Lewis, who was at the right seat, beside them. He then looked at Kimi and checked his phone. He scrolled down, ignoring a person or two, and searched for Kimi's contact.
Sure, Kimi was quiet, rather shy and finnish, but Sebastian couldn't get the thought of Kimi being simply too polite to ditch him out of his head.
He knows he can be a nuisance, and he also knows Kimi is much more polite with little kids than he is typically. What if Kimi only saw him as a kid, unaware of the truth of his surroundings, and Kimi was simply being helpful? Seb saw the finn as an equal, yet it may be a childish thing to believe.
Seb doesn't like to see himself as less than anyone, nor childish. For fuck's sake, he's twenty two, he's a grown man.
The german gazes at the messages left without reply, then at Kimi, and lastly at Lewis.
-
To be honest, he doesn't know where it all started. He doesn't know where his feelings shifted from "I like him" to "I like him", but it did. And he realized at the worst possible moment. It was during an interview. Fucking interviews.
He always kept his eyes closed, or at least somewhat distant from the rest of the people, but... But lately he realized he was looking at Sebastian.
At every single chance he got, there was Kimi gazing at Sebastian, who was always smiling this stupid smile, cracking horrible jokes and trying to piss off anyone around him. Especially Kimi and Mark. Mostly Mark, since Kimi was long comfortable with Seb.
It burns. It burns so much, it starts to drive Kimi crazy.
He breathed in.
“You okay there? Hey, hey– Kimi, here, drink this”, the German kept touching him, awkwardly shaking his shoulder and offering his bottle of water.
Kimi could once more feel his breakfast ready to leave his body, the sweat getting his shirt slightly damp, his cheeks burning up and his eyes getting wet.
Fuck.
It's the same way he felt during all of Seb's podiums and wins and, actually, most of their interactions.
Proud wasn't the correct answer.
With hurt in his eyes, Kimi forced himself to look at Sebastian's eyes. Those big bright eyes. Kimi feels like crying.
Everything is spinning.
“You okay?”.
“Kimi, what's wrong?”.
“You were fine until now”.
Sebastian held Kimi's jaw. The finn felt a twinge in his heart and let out a moan.
“Look at me, hey”.
“You're hyperventilating”
Kimi let out a sob, before finally freeing himself from Sebastian.
He took a deep, shaky, breath.
“What's happening? Are you sick?”, Sebastian asked. There was no smile. Not an ounce of mischief.
Sebastian was truly caring.
Like a friend.
“I didn't eat anything– I must be dehydrated too. The heat...”, Kimi kept his eyes closed.
I'm in love with Sebastian Vettel.
I'm in love with Sebastian Vettel.
I'm in love.
I love him.
I love someone.
I love a man.
I love Seb.
I love Sebastian.
I'm in love with Sebastian.
It sounded foreign in his head, but it sounded just like home to his heart.
His hands were trembling, trying to hold on to the rails, while his knees gave out. It's utterly embarrassing for a man in his thirties to be shaking because of love, Kimi thought.
And who the hell realizes he's in love with someone while they're talking shit about someone?
Sebastian Vettel. Kimi could point out so many things wrong with him, yet so many good things that made those wrongs right.
Kimi thinks about all of Sebastian. Every single detail he knows about the man, and he comes up with one single defect: Seb keeps stealing his cap during interviews or driver's parades. But nonetheless, Kimi welcomes it.
He's so deep in thought he doesn't notice Sebastian is guiding him through the paddock to a more private place.
Kimi notices the breeze and the cool shadow. He didn't even know there were that many trees behind the motorhomes.
“Better? You're not shaking anymore”, Seb asked, keeping his hand in proximity to Kimi's shoulder.
“Yeah. Thanks. I'm fine. Just... Gotta drink more water and exercise a bit less”, he jokes. Seb... Seb doesn't really smile, but he unenthusiastically nods.
“I get it.”.
They stand together, in silence. Kimi continues to dive into his memory, in hopes he remembers how exactly he let this happen.
He wishes to figure it out before the next step, which is trying to realize how he didn't realize he has feelings for men, apparently.
-
He couldn't. For the life of him, Kimi couldn't pinpoint the moment when it all happened. He simply knows that through the course of almost two years, he fell in love with freaking Sebastian Vettel. The little demon.
It was probably the jokes. He falls easily for each of them.
That leads to the next step of his journey: I have feelings for a man.
Sure, on paper he doesn't really care about a guy dating a guy, or a girl dating a girl. It's great! Until it's him, then it's confusing.
Once more diving into long lost memories, he tries to think of any man he could've had a crush on and didn't notice, but nothing came to mind. Maybe Heikki, from when he was a teen.
Finally letting his breath out, Kimi decides he doesn't want to think so much while in bed, where he could've been sleeping; or drinking; or having sex, but he can't, because all he can think about is Sebastian.
Fucking stupid reason to not have sex.
But Kimi wouldn't. And he most probably couldn't, now that he comes to think of it.
He had never had a sexual thought about the german — if you aren't counting the hips and thighs comments as something sexual —, until now. Kimi made a face to himself, passing his hands through his face and pinching his nose bridge.
Where was he going with this? To embrace his homosexuality?
But he can't hold himself much longer until he's asking himself “would I actually like to kiss Sebastian?”.
The answer comes quickly, and without room for interpretation: yes, very much.
Yes, yes he would. He imagines how it feels to kiss him, to hold his face while doing it. How Seb would inevitably smile unto it, how their teeths would most probably clash. How Sebastian's hand would hold onto his neck, how the german would most probably bite his lip a bit too harshly and giggle, because that was his plan.
Kimi allows himself to dream of it. He pictures it, and swears to remember it.
The finn let out a sigh, but it was accompanied by a relaxed smile.
If it was to be a man he fell in love with, at least that man was Seb. Kimi could live with it.
-
“You like like Sebastian!”, Lewis said with a smile.
Fourth shot.
“You know what? I always knew! It was a matter of time. You're very easy to read, Mr. Räikkönen... When you're drunk”.
“You didn't know shit. You're just trying to minimize your own stupidity when you're around Nico”.
“Do not bring Nico into this”, Lewis laughed, “we're talking about Sebastian”.
“Don't you get tired of talking about feelings, mate?”.
“No, not with you. Talking about it with you is easier; you hate it and you don't really care enough about anything I say”. Kimi shrugs. It wasn't a lie, even if it wasn't the truth.
“So all of the puppy eyes, small talk... You didn't notice any of it?”.
“Well, we have been close since his day one in formula one”.
“Who would've thought? Two gay drivers”, he looks at Kimi. “How are you feeling?”.
“I don't know. Ok? Guess I'm still a bit in denial”.
“Hm”.
Lewis hugs himself, protecting at least his chest from the cold night air. Kimi's wearing a shirt, thin sweatpants and flip flops. Lewis believes finnish people simply don't care about cold weather.
“What about you?”.
“Me? Nico might forgive me, might punch me, might kiss me. It could be all of it, or none of it. It's a mystery. Don't really know what to think of this whole situation. I should focus on driving... And you?”.
“Sebastian's straight”.
The answer was quick and drenched in finnish accent. Lewis didn't really understand what he was told, but he guessed it right.
“You're in the same boat as me, aren't you, Kimi?”.
“Hm”.
-
Now there were dreams with Sebastian, and/or about Sebastian. Kimi wanted nothing more than to smash his head on the wall, but he couldn't, because he needed it to drive.
He didn't look at his body as he was getting off. Nor did he think of anything or made any more noise than necessary. He wouldn't be able to look into his friend's eyes after jerking off to a dream he had about him.
Kimi went the rest of his day quietly, maintaining his blank face, and never taking off his sunglasses.
Even if he tried to deny it, he was indeed ignoring him. Everytime Kimi looked at the younger man, flashes of his dream came back to him.
It was getting worse. Now he wanted to kiss Sebastian without even being in the same facility as him. He's thankful of Mark keeping Seb sufficiently busy.
He spent media day content. Almost at peace.
Until Sebastian appeared at his door at 1am, without a trace of happiness in his face.
They have the same height, Kimi notices – not for the first time.
“You fine?”.
“You've been avoiding me”, Seb almost didn't let the Finn finish it, “Why have you been avoiding me?”.
The blue eyes were shining like fire, his eyes so small in a serious frown.
“I'm not, I told you I–”.
“Fucking bulllshit! What have I done to you?! Did I say something? Are you mad because of a race?!”, Sebastian stepped forward and Kimi stepped backwards into the room.
Sebastian didn't stop.
“Tell me!”.
“Ei! Voi ei!”, Kimi was avoiding Seb's grabby hands, both men looking like kids while they almost went running around the room “Fuck, Sebastian, what happened!”.
“You're ignoring me! Stop fucking ignoring me, for fuck's sake! What happened!?”.
“Nothing! I just don't wanna talk!”, Sebastian got hold of Kimi's pulse.
They both fell to the sofa.
“Seb, let me–”.
“You don't get to do this! You don't get to make me care about you, see you as a friend, as someone I like, and then walk away!”, Seb huffed while trying to hold on to Kimi, who then was successful to wiggle his way out.
“I'm not walking away?”. It was an affirmation.
It didn't sound like one.
“The fuck you're not! Since Spa, you've been different! I get it, I'm not your best friend, you're not mine either, asshole! But you don't answer my texts, my calls, fuck we're barely even talking anymore!”.
Seb's nose was red. He was probably cold. Where's the Red Bull jacket?
“Aren't you cold?”, Kimi asked in impulse.
“What? What do you care? You hardly look my way”.
Kimi can't contain his face.
“Bullshit! I look at you every time you speak, lying bastard! I'm looking at you right now! And I do care, God damnit!”.
Seb left the sofa, once more lounging forward at Kimi. The Finn let Seb push him, once. Seb doesn't go for a second try.
“You know what? I do not like Mark, I think he's a fine driver but a pie without filling. I thought you were different, from the moment I met you. I thought you were different, from the first day I saw you racing, back in 2001...”.
“So tell me you care, Kimi– Tell me I'm not a stupid kid who you just couldn't bear to leave alone”.
“What are you–”.
“Everyone, from the second I entered formula one, looks at me like I'm some kid. Everyone! Even today! I'm young, but I'm no kid, I'm not stupid. Everyone saw me as one, no one dared to treat me right. Nobody cared, nobody but you. Or that was what I thought”.
Sebastian was tearing up, still angry. His lips started trembling, and he bit it. Hard. He let out a shaky breath, searching in Kimi's silence, in Kimi's eyes, an answer.
He didn't know what he was expecting. But he was nevertheless expecting something.
Anything.
“You think I pity you?”.
“That's what it looks like”.
“Seb...”, Kimi steps forward. Seb maintains eye contact.
The german shivers with the warm hands resting on his cheeks.
“Seb, I– I never... I don't pity you, Sebi”, Kimi gives a sad smile to the younger man.
“Fuck you”, Seb whispers, and the tears flow in the silence. “What did I do to you? What happened?”.
He was crying, but he sure didn't sound sad.
“You haven't done anything, Seb. You couldn't do anything to hurt me. And even if you could, I would forgive you”.
Kimi cringed a little at himself. Seb gasps, but continues to look at Kimi with angerness. With that terrible hurted expression that made Kimi's heart physically hurt.
A tear was wiped.
“You didn't do anything. Seb, I like you too much to hurt you. I cannot–”.
“No! No, don't you start, do not start!”, Seb gently pushed Kimi away, “You're hurting me right now, not before! Never before, only now!”.
“Why do you care?! Why are we having this discussion, anyway?! Are you jealous I have friends? Jealous that Lewis is spending more time with me and Nico?!”.
“Maybe I am”.
“Well, then congrats! Kippis, you really are a child!”.
More tears begin to stream down his face, now much more red.
“I just want to be with you!”, Sebastian lets out, pushing Kimi's shoulder, but not succeeding at moving him.
“I can't be with you!”.
“Why?!”.
“Because I won't!”.
“Tell me why!”.
“Stop, this! Stupid– Stop!”.
“THEN TELL ME WHY!”.
Kimi groans reflexively and grabs Sebastian's face, who moans in pain.
“I LOVE YOU! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!”, Kimi screams at his face, hardly shaking him.
“What?”.
“I LOVE YOU. I- I love you, Seb, and I'm so so sorry, I- I didn't want any of this to ever affect you, never. I never wanted to hurt you, I don't know when or how– Fuck, Seb, I–”.
“You love me. You love me?”, Seb asks.
There's no new tears. Seb places his hands with Kimi's.
“Are you lying?”.
“I wouldn't joke about this”, Kimi says seriously.
They were both maintaining eye contact.
Sebastian smiles.
“You really love me?”
“I... ”, he looks at Seb's lower lip where droplets of blood appeared. “I do”, he whispers, still focusing at Seb's lips.
“That's very cute, but it doesn't change the fact you've been ignoring me for almost two months”, Sebastian was angry once again, gripping Kimi's hand. “Why treat someone you love like this?”.
“You do realize I'm a male public figure, don't you? And I see you at work, so imagine how it feels to see the person you love, the person you so dearly admires and wants, so close, but not being able to do anything about it”.
“And you didn't know how I could react”, Kimi's heart skipped a beat. “It's fine. I like that you love me”.
“I can't make it go away. I've been trying to stop it since I realized it, but I can't. I simply can't, Seb, it's eating me alive”.
Sebastian licks his lips, not ever letting go of Kimi's eyes.
“So you see me as an equal?”. Kimi laughs for a second.
“Yes, yes I do”.
“Kimi, you are so freaking dumb when you want to”.
The german closes the tiny gap that once existed between them.
Seb's cutten lip burned, but it did not stop neither of them.
“What–”, Kimi tried to ask but an irritated moan left the other man's mouth before he could finish it.
Very small hands now cupped Kimi's face. Sebastian had his eyes closed, trying to bask in the sensation of their lips pressed together for two seconds.
“I've been waiting for this since last year, shut the fuck up please”.
Sebastian tried to devour the older man, deepening the kiss almost immediately. He moaned around Kimi's tongue.
“Since when?”, Kimi breathes out while Sebastian tries to keep cool.
“Since what?”.
“When did you realized?”.
“I don't know. Silverstone. You?”.
“Spa”.
“You like me since Spa?!”, Seb is indignated.
“No, since a lot longer. Not sure when”, he whispers, “but I am sure I love you. Fuck. I love you”.
Sebastian shyly smiles.
“Say it again”.
“I'm in love with you, Sebastian”.
It sounds right.
“Yeah, I know it. I'm in love with you, too, Kimi”.
He kisses Kimi with ease, without rushing anything.
Sebastian is inevitably smiling into the kiss, and a giggle appear from time to time as they seat together, side by side, kissing each other for the first time.
“You're the first man I kiss”, Sebastian says.
“You're the first man I kiss”.
“Hope I'm the last and only person you'll kiss in your life”, Seb straddles Kimi.
Kimi cries, eventually, when they're hugging each other after kissing for what must've been two hour.
His heart is once more full of that feeling he now knows it's not pride, but love.
Kimi loves Sebastian, and Sebastian loves Kimi. It feels right.