Chapter Text
02/13/2037
I am writing this letter because ms. Kiyomi is assigning it as a project. Not because I actually want to. I hate that I have to attend these dumb meetings, and I hate how ms. Kiyomi makes me feel. I don't want this. I never asked for it. I show up to these appointments more than I show up to school. I HATE IT I HATE IT I CAN'T STAND THIS OR MYSELF OR ANYTHING.
-Akiyama.
Mizuki is not unfamiliar with therapists. With hour-long sessions on a squeaky couch, or a scratchy chair as a professional lets you babble on about your mundane life, occasionally asking questions that’ll ruin or elate your mood until the next session. Their parent’s aren’t horrible, just absent.
Mizuki’s parents fear they’ll fail Mizuki like they failed their sister, or whatever they tell themselves. Mizuki thinks it's the stigma of having to have a successful first born. Their generation is unable to cope with a daughter who goes into art instead of STEM. How terrible, really.
But, Yuuki’s rebellion paved a road, so even if holiday dinners are tense, Mizuki is greatful.
Mizuki being trans is not a matter of discussion in the Akiyama household. Their parents simply accepted it with an air of unimportance, and a few comments on the clothes they’d allow Yuuki to dress them in when they were both small.
Therapy is familiar, and because therapy is familiar, so is writing. Mizuki isn't a lyrical prodigy like Kanade, nor do they have a voice like Mafuyu. Mizuki writes, to write. To cope.
Mizuki has grown a lot from the miserable person they were in middle school. Has fought against those routine behaviors. Has strived to be someone fun to be around, someone not fixated on the heavy weight of not knowing who they are. The anger.
Unfamiliarity, shows itself in the urge Mizuki finds in themself to share these writings. To share the letters addressed to ghosts of people no longer here. The letter’s thirteen year old Mizuki clung onto as an outlet.
Sharing who they were, letting the people they cherish now get a glimpse at who they had the fortune of just missing, scares Mizuki.
They’re scared that opening these letters will do the opposite of what they were written to do. Mizuki is scared they’ll let him out from his grave they dug with their bleeding nails and blistering fingers.
Kanade is still creating life changing music. She is not without inspiration or in a mental stump that would require the drastic decision of Mizuki sharing their letters.
But Mizuki wants to create something new. They want to create something personal, the way ‘Jackpot Sad Girl’ is to Mafayu, in a way ‘IDSMILE’ couldn’t ever hope to convey. There’s good material hidden away in the bow wrapped box hidden under their bed, they know it.
All they do is write and create and think, so surely there's something halfway worth it. The burning need to create slips and snags on them regularly, as if testing if Mizuki is ready for something else. As if they’ll change the everlasting mundane routine they’ve cultivated.
Mizuki has, for the better part of 4 years, played a part of a show few people are aware of going around them. Niigo isn't even fully aware of the part they play. Mizuki can count on one hand the people who are fully aware on one hand. They have labeled them as the control group .
Rui has been an outlier since they've met, but, just because he’s aware of Mizuki’s transition and okay with it doesn't mean everyone else is. Mizuki has the social anxiety to prove it.
An, they could write off as well, considering queer people seem less likely to discriminate against trans people because they both belong to the same community.
But Akito, they believe, was the final push to find the courage to come clean to the rest of Niigo. He’s straight, He’s cis, he’s a little bit of an ass, but he accepted them. He hasn’t treated them any differently than before, hasn’t mentioned their identity since the first day aside from a poorly hidden curiosity here and there.
Mizuki feels as though, realistically, it wouldn't be that hard to realize they’re trans even if Mizuki has solemnly ever admitted it aloud. They have pictures from before on a social media post or two, they’ve never tried to purposely deny who they are when taunted by the various bullies roaming kamiyama grounds.
They talk about how they just want to present themselves the way they want without people attacking them all the time to Niigo, Mizuki is sure that if they aren’t completely certain about Mizuki’s gender identity, they have to have some sort of inkling about the meaning behind IDSMILE atleast.
They feel obsessive. Obsessive over who they are, how they act, how people will treat them, if they knew. Telling people they know and have met in real life is different. Mizuki doubts anything would ever really change if An or Akito or even Rui decided they were too embarrassed or disgusted to hang out with them.
Mizuki would continue to skip school, continue to ignore mostly everyone in the halls the days they’re forced to attend, continue to work at the shop, continue to stay up late and edit various projects to pass the time. Sure they’d miss the company, but Mizuki has wanted to disappear since the first person decided the pink polish decorating their nails was a reason to push them onto the ground and mock them for being a freak.
But telling the rest of Niigo? If they reacted badly and cut Mizuki off, they don't think they’d genuinely be able to live with themselves anymore. They’re scared. Terrified of the safe space they’ve meticulously crafted getting ripped from their hands.
No, they can’t tell Niigo. Not yet. They’re not ready. Not ready to potentially lose one of the few healthy outlets they have. They’re not ready to give up music, to give up the genuine achievement of creating something and having people like it. Having it liked enough for people to beg for some sort of physical copy to keep forever.