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He thinks he might be dead.
All he remembers is distracting the fucking demon clown from Mike, in the most Richie Trashmouth Tozier way he could. Fucking cussing him out.
And now he was in a fuzzy sort of reality, that Richie could definitely believe was the in-between. Or the shit between life and death. The worst part is that he was kinda okay with it, as long as his friends lived, he was alright about being a sacrifice.
His life fucking sucked. He was living a shitty life, lying about having girlfriends and treating them like shit. And he was so fucking lonely it hurt every day, and maybe he wouldn't be with the Losers Club now, but if he had to die for them to move on. So fucking be it-
But then, everything around him started to change. Everything suddenly more real. He felt the wind rush against his skin-
He crashed against the nasty ass fucking ground, and a deep thrum of pain shot through his back. He briefly thought about the fact that he might need back surgery before he realized that one Eddie fucking Kaspbrak was on top of him.
"I think I did it Richie, I think I killed It!-"
Those words might haunt Richie for the rest of his life. He thinks they probably fucking will.
Because the next moment, there was a goddamn leg stabbed through Eddie's abdomen. His blood, Eddie's fucking blood, sprayed along him -splattered along his glasses. Eddie's blood-
And before he could even react, the leg dragged Eddie away from him and threw him against the fucking rock wall. Richie blankly watched the whole thing, before scampering to his feet and running to Eddie. His mind was so goddamn loud, as he finally found him. Eddie was already so fucking pale-
Please don't fucking die. God, I just got you back, please don't fucking die-
He mindlessly pulled off his jacket and just tied it. Remembering that from some shitty medical show that he needed pressure, or he'd bleed out in these fucking sewers. He'd hate being in these fucking sewers-
I love you, his mind chimed, fuck, Eddie I love you. Don't fucking die-
And then everything happened in rapid succession, Eddie told him to leave, "I fucked your mom", and then they were dragging him out. They were leaving Eddie there-
He wouldn't want to be in the sewers, let me get him out-
And then, he was crying in the quarry, everyone was surrounding him. And he was crying his eyes out, he loved Eddie. Fuck, he loved Eddie-
But... everything suddenly faded.
He wasn't in the quarry anymore, he wasn't surrounded by his friends.
He felt the wind rush against his skin, and he ate shit on the nasty ass ground-
And Eddie, Eddie was right in fucking front of him.
"I think I di-"
Richie's eyes flashed with the scene before, Eddie's blood on his glasses, Eddie's limp body (he was so fucking pale), hands dragging him out of the sewer, crying in the quarry-
That shit was not fucking happening again.
Richie wrapped his arms around Eddie and pulled him to his chest.
"What the fuck ar-"
With a breath, Richie used all his force to roll the two of them a considerable distance away. He just rolled until he knew they were safe, ending up on top of Eddie -he looked at Richie with those big-ass brown eyes. And all Richie could do was look back at him and he thought he might be crying-
"Richie?" Eddie asked, suddenly, and worried (he was definitely crying).
Before he could say a word, their eyes both shot to the leg piercing the ground. A loud boom echoed through the cave (could he call it that?), and the fucking demon clown let out a roar that shook through his bones. But, Eddie was alive. He was fucking breathing-
Eddie turned back to Richie, questioning, "How did you...?"
Richie decidedly didn't answer that question and instead, said the first thing that burst out of his chest.
"I've been in love with you since fucking first grade."
Eddie almost completely stilled, big ass doe-eyes blinking up at him. Richie almost felt afraid then, but he mostly just fucking relieved. And fucking happy. Eddie was alive. He could hate him from the rest of his life (with his wife, fuck-), but he would be breathing-
"What?" Eddie replied, blankly.
Richie almost forgot what he had said, that he had finally done it.
He cleared his throat and moved off of Eddie -instinctively offering a hand for him to use to stand, "We gotta fucking go, Eds."
Eddie used his hand, and Richie ignored the feeling that spun around his head, "Richie-"
Richie didn't let go of his hand and instead dragged him along, over to the rest of them. He moved on physical instinct, he'd done all of this before. God, Eddie was right beside him.
"We've got to make him fucking small," Richie spoke, so confidently that they all looked at him oddly (Bev maybe a little in recognition), "-small enough to crush."
And they did it. They did it, all of them (all fucking 6) swarmed around the pulsing heart, and Richie watched it be crushed in Mike's palm again. He hadn't even noticed that he was still holding Eddie's hand -way too fucking tight, but he didn't say anything. Eddie just kept looking at him, just looking and watching him. Maybe in disbelief, Richie couldn't think about it too much -he couldn't even fucking breathe. Wouldn't be able to, until they were out of these godforsaken sewers. Until Eddie was out, breathing.
Shaking his head, Richie tried to regain his sense of self. He couldn't really feel his limbs, when he finally realized it, he was still holding Eddie's hand.
"Fuck, sorry, Eds," Richie spoke, letting go and flexing his fingers once.
Eddie just stared at him, and then back at their hands, and then back at him. He did that for a few seconds, until Richie felt like maybe clawing his own throat out.
He was never too good at confrontation.
He immediately turned to the rest of the group, ignoring Eddie and his brown eyes that used to haunt his prepubescent dreams. (And will soon haunt his fucking grown adult dreams.)
"Let's get the fuck out of here."
Eddie spoke then, "Richie-"
Richie Tozier ignored it and stepped forward -matching the strides of the other losers.
"Richie, stop fucking ignoring me-"
The quarry was naturally where they went, just like before. It made sense then and still makes sense now. Richie had evaded Eddie nearly the whole time, using other Losers, and if not that, he was strides ahead. He knew Eddie was chasing after him, not unlike when they were kids. And he also knew all the other Losers were watching them both, a little like it was normal.
"Richie, I swear to fucking god-" Eddie yelled at him from a distance.
Well, until he ended up at the top of the cliff that all at once suddenly brought back a slew of memories. He remembered him and Eddie jumping in hand-in-hand (because of course they fucking did), the blood oath. All those summers with each other, watching as the number ticked down -people leaving.
"Richie," he heard much closer, it threw him out of memories, "-don't fucking move."
Richie spun on his heel and saw the group -more importantly Eddie. He was all squared shoulders, and his face twisted up into something so familiar to Richie that it made his heart ache.
He turned back to the quarry, and then back to Eddie who was definitely speedwalking.
Eddie's eyes seemed to flash in recognition, and his mouth screwed into a tighter frown, "Don't. You. Dare."
Richie carefully pulled off his jacket, setting off to the side mostly because he couldn't look at it anymore -all he could see was Eddie's blood every time he looked at it anyway.
Eddie followed the movement, maybe a little two closely, "I'm fucking serious, Richard."
Richie took a step backward.
"You are forty years old, you're gonna fucking break your back, especially if you jump backwards-" Eddie started up, and Richie could feel the smile spread along his lips (he was a weak fucking man).
"Okay, Eds," he chimed back, grinning.
And then he turned on his heel and jumped into the quarry water.
"You fucking asshole-"
Richie burst into laughter, he couldn't really help himself. He was Eddie-
By the time he resurfaced, he really couldn't see. And at first, he thought maybe his glasses were just really fucking dirty, but then when he tried to grab them -there was nothing there.
"Fuck," he blinked, blindly swiping his hand through the water. He came up tragically fucking empty, shit.
"You're such a dick, Richie!"
Richie spun around at the noise, he squinted up at the top of the quarry cliff. Shading his eyes, Richie spotted a silhouette with swinging arms. He couldn't see much past that, but it was enough to know who it was.
Eddie seemed to turn to the side, toward where Richie put his jacket. He couldn't exactly see what but Eddie was putting some things down on top of it.
He pursed his lips, eyeing him on the cliff. There was no fucking way Eddie was coming into this water, not with his cheek technically being an open wound. He'd say something about infections and statistics and Richie would feel a part of him slot into place-
And then, Eddie fucking germaphobe Kaspbrak jumped off the quarry cliff.
Right, Eddie Kaspbrak is the most stubborn motherfucker Richie had ever known. Why the fuck didn't he think of that?
The splash made the water roll into his shoulders, and he swayed backward slightly with the force. His mind went blank, what the fuck is he supposed to do?
Across the water, he saw the figure emerge from the water -hands coming to smooth down his hair, and the big intake of breath. He could see him better now, but he was still fuzzy around the edges. Richie's lips felt stitched shut.
He could noticeably see Eddie shift in place and watched the blur of his face finally match his own eyes. Well, he couldn't see the eyes, but he could certainly guess.
"You motherfucker," Eddie chastised and he was becoming immensely clearer.
Richie was frozen in place, trying to think of anything. Any way to fucking get away from the Kaspbrak wrath, and fuck, he didn't even think about the rejection part-
"Eds?" He questioned, innocently.
"You can't just tell someone you've been in love with them since you were fucking eight years old, and-" Eddie continued, ranging closer (Richie could see that he was pointing a finger at him), "-and fucking run away."
"Seven," Richie instinctively corrected, and Eddie stopped on his path, he could see his fuzzy features change (into what? He had no fucking clue), "-we met when I was seven."
He could see his mouth shift, he couldn't really identify what, before he spoke, "You didn't fucking love me as soon as you met me, jackass-"
"Ya ever heard of love at first sight, Eds?" Richie cracked back, but it was too genuine to be funny.
He had, he hadn't known it then, but he'd been in love with him since he pulled out a bandaid and patched up his scraped knee -yelling at him about infections (Richie had no clue what that fucking meant then, but believed him whole-heartedly).
Eddie was insanely still, and Richie felt a little lost. He wished he had his glasses, so he could gauge what his reaction was (he knew young Eddie so maybe he could understand adult Eddie). A part of him was kind of relieved that he couldn't, but more of him wanted to know. So, he could know whether or not to shut the fuck up.
"You remember that?"
And Eddie spoke a lot softer then, it made him fidget with his hands -mindlessly wringing them together under the water. (Was this good or bad? Fuck if I know.)
"I'm-" Richie cleared his throat, "-I'm remembering a lot of shit here. In this... hellhole."
He was stepping closer now, and Eddie's features were becoming clearer (he could see the frown), "You are such a-"
Eddie stopped, looking at Richie for a second. Like he was digesting his face for the first time.
"Where are your fucking glasses?"
"You didn't notice they were gone?" Richie laughed, "-They're pretty fucking hard to miss, Eds."
Richie could see the fluster climb up his face, could see the way he puffed his cheeks out -even now. God, he still fucking did that?
"Well, you... you fucking-" Eddie started, before cutting himself off, "-I was distracted, dipshit."
He was so close he could nearly see his entire face, it was just a little fuzzy. Fuzzy but it still made Richie's heart beat a little faster even after 27 fucking years-
He's married, his mind chimed, to a woman.
Richie swallowed and almost asked 'by what?'. Instead, his lips were sealed shut, he didn't want to say anything else so fucking incriminating. Because he was in pathetic gay love with a straight, married man. Had been for as long as he could remember. Fuck.
No wonder I haven't be able to keep a fucking relationship. It's always been fucking Eddie.
"Fuck," he groaned, and he could see his hands splash against the water in frustration, "-you need your fucking glasses-"
"Eds," Richie laughed blindly reaching out to his shoulder (he did get there), "-I really don't. I can get fucking new ones later. They're cracked as shit anyway-"
"You need your glasses," Eddie repeated like it was fact.
"Eds, seriously-"
"Richie, for once in your fucking life," Eddie leveled, tone with a certainty he hadn't heard in so long, "-shut the fuck up."
Richie zipped his lips shut, obediently.
Eddie groaned, tilted his head up to the sky, "God, I fucking hate you."
Richie opened his mouth, and Eddie snapped.
"Don't," he held up his hand.
Richie promptly stopped.
Eddie took a deep breath in through his mouth (Richie could hear it) and shook his hands a few times. It was like he was prepping himself.
"If I get a fucking infection and die," Eddie turned to him, and if he focused, he could see his eyes, "-it's your fault, asshole."
And before he could say another word, Eddie dunked under the surface. For his broken glasses. He fully submerged in the fucking dirty quarry water for Richie's totally and completely replaceable glasses. What the fuck was happening?
He stood there dumbfounded until Eddie shot back up through the surface -gasping for air with something in his hands. (Of course, it only took one fucking dip for him.) Richie watched as he fuzzily wiped at his eyes, a little too much -it might have made the skin red. Richie couldn't tell.
"Fucking dirty ass bacteria in my eyes," Eddie muttered to himself, slowly moving over to Richie with consistent and confident steps, "-for what? A fucking dick-"
Before Richie could say a word, Eddie stood a breath away and with careful hands, pushed them onto his face. His fingertips brushed along his face just for a second, and Richie felt warmth bubble along his skin. He felt completely fucking frozen.
And just like that, his eyesight cleared and they settled on Eddie -just across from him. He pulled his hands back, brown eyes entirely focused on Richie, like he was waiting for something.
Richie's eyes dashed along him, the hair slicked back along his head, the slightly darker tone of his clothes, the bit of frustration between his eyebrows. It was all just so Eddie.
He felt like he might cry. Or maybe throw up (he did that when he was nervous).
"Can you see me now?"
And he was just staring at him. Eddie Kaspbrak, in the flesh, staring at him. He wasn't down in those sewers, he wasn't dead. He was right fucking there. He was alive-
Richie's mouth started moving before he could stop it, "You died."
Eddie's face screwed up into a lot of different things, then. Richie could clearly see them now, he couldn't read some of them but others he could. It felt familiar and new all at once. It made him feel anxious and comfortable, which Eddie had kinda been doing his whole life-
"What?" Eddie questioned, eyebrows furrowed together.
"In the-" Richie clarified, and maybe his voice was heavy, "-In the deadlights, that leg got you."
Eddie pursed his lips together, but didn't say a word.
"I-" Richie started, he felt something claw up his throat (maybe a little like a sob) but he couldn't stop now, "-I watched you die, Eddie. In those sewers. And you told me to go help them kill the fucker, and I did. When I came back, you were..."
His voice cut off, and Eddie was just staring at him. It made something in his chest twist so tight that it physically hurt-
"They made me leave you there," Richie continued, and his eyes were definitely watery, "-in the sewers. And I... I didn't say shit, Eds, I didn't tell you. So, when I woke up, and you were still... alive, it just... It came out."
Eddie stayed silent.
"And I... You probably fucking hate me, I know that. And I might never fucking see you again, because-" Richie moved his glasses up on his face, and wiped at his eyes, "-because it's different now. But I... I don't fucking regret it. I never will. Because you're alive this time. You lived. And it might fucking suck to not have you around, but it'll be okay. Because you're alive, you're not fucking rotting down in those sewers-"
"Richie," Eddie tried, but he was already on a roll.
"-dead beside the thing that fucking ruined our lives. The thing that took Stanley. It fucking took you too-"
"Richie-"
"-I mean what the fuck. And your last fucking words to me were 'I fucked your mom', and it still fucking wrecked me. What the fuck-"
"Wait," Eddie interrupted, so loudly that it shook Richie right out of his spiral, "-Those were my last fucking words to you? Seriously?"
"Eds, I don't think I could fucking forget that," Richie answered, laughing a little through tears (it really wasn't funny).
Eddie just stared at him, something in his face screwing together (Richie couldn't really see it, but he could tell). Maybe in anger or frustration. Here it was, the rejection-
"Put your glasses back on."
Richie furrowed his eyebrows, "What?"
"Put your glasses back on," he repeated.
"I don't-" Richie scrambled for a second, "-Why?"
"Because, dickhead," Eddie hissed, "-I want you to see me when I say this."
"What's this?" Richie asked.
"Good fucking god-" Eddie groaned, using his own hands to pull his glasses back over his eyes, "-Was that so hard, asshole?"
Richie still had his eyebrows furrowed together, and he was staring at the trademarked Kaspbrak fury. So, he was at least right about that, "What is your p-"
"I could never hate you, fucking first of all," Eddie pushed a finger into his chest (so hard that it actually kinda hurt), very close to Richie now, "-You've done way fucking worse things than love me, dipshit-"
Richie didn't speak.
"-you have fucking spit in my shoes before, shoved me off the quarry cliff, refused to give me my inhaler-"
"You didn't need it," Richie clarified, but Eddie was unmoved.
"-All that to say that I don't hate you, dickweed, especially because of that. I actually-"
And then he stopped. It made the silence so loud that Richie almost instinctively said a 'your mom' joke. Eddie's face flickered between a few different things, one primarily that Richie didn't know. He'd only ever seen it a few times, never could tell what it was.
"It's the fucking opposite," he finished, "-I fucking... I love you too. Probably since I was ten years old."
Richie's eyes went wide, what the fuck?
"So, no, I don't hate you, and-" Eddie continued, stubborn (like he hadn't just flipped the world onto its head), "-preferably I'd like to see you every fucking day, and I will be around you, even though you are so fucking stupid sometimes it physically pains me, for the rest of my fucking life."
Richie felt a little like he couldn't breathe.
He just said, a little lost, "You're married, Eds."
"Yeah, well," Eddie echoed, still in fiery flame mode, "-not for long."
He felt like his heart was in his throat, blinking, "Are you serious?"
"Am I fucking serious," he muttered, throwing up his hands onto Richie's face, "-You're a dumbass, Richie Tozier-"
And then, Eddie Kaspbrak fucking pulled his face forward and kissed him. Eddie is kissing me, his mind thought blankly, Eddie Kaspbrak is fucking kissing me-
It was like a wire finally started working in his brain, Richie fucking reacted. He pulled his hands up to gently hold onto Eddie's arms, gentle like he always fucking was with Eddie (when it mattered). And he kissed back, maybe with all his might. Because this was definitely a fucking dream and he might never be able to do this again-
And then, he heard a splash against the water. Startling back, they both jumped in place -eyes shooting to the cliff. Eddie's hands stayed on Richie's face, and he almost couldn't look away from him. But, he did drag his eyes away, eventually, to see the other losers diving into the water. Had they not jumped this whole time?
When Bev resurfaced, grinning at Ben, he got his answer.
"We wanted to give you guys some privacy," she smiled -tellingly.
"Plus," Mike added, "-we really didn't want to deal with the Kaspbrak wrath."
Eddie's mouth flattened, and he moved one hand to splash them with some water, "Fuck you guys. Leave us the fuck alone."
Us, chimed through Richie's mind and he grinned so big that it might hurt. It did fucking hurt, but he did not give a shit.
The Losers took the hint and moved away without a moment's hesitation. Bev winked at him, and Richie exaggeratively winked back.
Eddie didn't hesitate to spin back to him, eyes skimming along his face -lingering on the big ass fucking grin. And then Eddie smiled at him (the special kind he rarely ever saw), and Richie felt something slot back into place.
God, Richie's mind echoed, he loves me. What the fuck Eddie Kaspbrak loves me.
He just stared at him for a few more seconds, before patting his face and dropping his hands. Before immediately grabbing one of Richie's under the water -intertwining their fingers. Teenage Richie would pee his fucking pants right now-
"C'mon, asshole," he pulled him up out of the water, and Richie mindlessly followed him -still wildly grinning, "-I've got to call my lawyer."
Richie felt like he might literally start floating, what the fuck-
"And I didn't jump in with my fucking phone, unlike you, dipshit."
Yeah, okay, Richie's life maybe didn't suck so bad. Not anymore.