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Mortifying.
It was the only word Atsushi could think of to accurately describe his situation.
When there were still missions coming in, he’d had a good reason to not be alone with Dazai and hence avoid talking about that day.
He was also lucky that Dazai was never really one for serious heart-to-hearts. So, when the man had only forwarded a link to him, he’d hoped that that would be all.
Of course it wouldn’t be.
After much debating, he had ended up clicking the link. What he’d read had explained his behaviour perfectly. And it was downright humiliating.
Acting like a child? Just because he got a little stressed out??
How was anybody in the agency going to take him seriously now? He was already one of the younger ones with less experience. But so far, he’d made up for it with his ability.
Would that still be enough now?
For some time, that was it. Everyone in the agency was busy and Atsushi shoved the fuzzy feeling to the back of his head, fully intending to pretend that it didn’t exist.
And then he’d had a bad day.
It was honestly ridiculous that it had gotten so easy for Atsushi to lose his composure. And over something as simple as a bad day.
He’d cried on Kunikida .
Dazai had given him a goddamn pacifier and he’d liked it .
The following conversation had been one of the worst things he’d ever been through. And Atsushi had lost limbs before.
He just couldn’t understand how everyone else was so calm about it. He was supposed to be a reliable member of the Armed Detective Agency.
Not a crying toddler that needed to be cuddled and looked after.
Dazai had said that it was a completely normal coping mechanism, but Atsushi had his doubts.
Never before had he heard of adults acting like children every time they got a little upset.
It felt more likely that everybody was pulling a massive prank on him. But they wouldn’t do that, right?
Not after everything they’d been through.
..right?
“Everything okay Atsushi?”
He snapped back into reality.
Turning around with a smile, he faced his mentor.
“Of course, Dazai-san. I’m sorry, I must have zoned out for a little there.”, he chuckled nervously.
He knew that lying was by far not one of his strengths, but Dazai had always given the impression that, unless something was seriously wrong, he would leave personal matters be.
At least, that’s what it was like before Atsushi had started.. That.
Dazai only hummed thoughtfully at his answer, his eyes raking over Atsushi, making him shift uncomfortably.
“Well, if you say so!”, the man clapped his hands, a bright grin suddenly on his face. “Say, Atsushi, do you think you could maybe help me with this report here? It’s sooo boring, and Kunikida won’t let me go to try this new suicide method unless I finish it. Such a cruel man~”
Atsushi rolled his eyes at the familiar antics. Inwardly letting out a sigh of relief, glad the man had dropped the topic.
“Dazai-san, I’m sure you’d be able to finish it much faster than I could, anyway. If you just concentrated on it for a few minutes, I’m sure Kunikida-san won’t be so upset with you, anymore.
“Ah, but you see, Atsushi, I am a very busy man and have much more important things to do than stuffy paperwork.”
Atsushi stared at him, thoroughly unimpressed.
“I’m not doing your report for you, Dazai-san.”
The man gave a dramatic sigh and leaned back so far in his chair, Atsushi was surprised he hadn’t already fallen over.
“Betrayal, by my own protege! What an evil world we live in.”
Atsushi ignored him and turned back to his computer.
The rest of the day continued much the same. Kunikida eventually realised that Dazai hadn’t even started on his report and almost throttled the man.
When six o’ clock came around, Atushi turned off his computer and began his way to the dorms with Kyoka.
“Do you already know what you want to eat for dinner, tonight?”
Kyoka hummed in thought. “Crêpe?”
Atsushi let out a huff of laughter, “I’m sorry, Kyoka, but crêpe doesn’t really count as a full meal. Maybe for dessert, if you’re still hungry. Come on, maybe we’ll find restaurant for takeaway, and then we can still get crêpe on the way home.”
Kyoka visibly brightened at that and gave a nod in response.
It was only when Atsushi was going to bed that night, that his earlier thoughts came rushing back.
Ever since he’d slipped up in the agency, now even twice, it had become more frequent that the fuzzy feeling in his head tried to come to the forefront of his mind.
After last time, he was more hesitant to indulge in that feeling, because what if it stayed and then he’d be a crying mess again.
He wasn’t too sure that his coworkers wouldn’t get tired of him.
At this rate, it was threatening to become a regular thing and he couldn’t imagine that the others would want to deal with that long-term.
Still, it was late. And he was so tired.
There was no one there, and Atsushi was safe in his cupboard-made-bed. Nobody would know, if he curled up a little more, snuggling into his blanket.
Nobody would see, if he sleepily let one of his hands drift close enough that he could slip his thumb into his mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There’s something interesting to mark about Atushi’s ability.
While it was fully capable of healing lost limbs and fatal injuries, it wouldn’t activate when he only acquired something as minor as a paper cut.
Atsushi hadn’t quite figured out whether that had more to do with Byakko or with his own attitude towards the wound.
But if he was only lightly injured, it usually took longer to heal. Sometimes even the same amount of time that it would a normal human.
The point was, while Atushi woke up the next day, very much refreshed and not feeling fuzzy, he found a small mark on the outside of his thumb where his teeth had apparently dug in.
It wasn’t big, and he usually wouldn’t have taken much notice of it, but the knowledge of where the small scabs came from, had him stare horrified at his hand.
In the end, there wasn’t much more he could do, aside from slap a small bandage on it, before he left with Kyoka.
However, throughout the entire day, Atsushi felt like everyone was staring at the bandage.
He knew he was being paranoid and that nobody really cared, but he couldn’t help but anxiously look around to check, whenever the feeling became too strong.
When he left, and still nobody had commented on the bandage, he finally began feeling better.
Logically, he knew that his coworkers probably just thought that he’d gotten a paper cut or something, but he still couldn’t help it.
That evening, he was glad to see that the wound had already healed completely.
Maybe he shouldn’t worry so much.
It happened again.
And again.
By now, it was becoming normal for Atsushi to walk around all day with a bandage on his hand.
Sure, it didn’t happen every day, but enough.
Enough for people to take notice. Atsushi had begun saying that it was a nervous habit of his to pick the skin on his finger, which is why he now wore a bandage to stop himself.
It wasn’t the best lie and Atsushi was sure that some of his coworkers didn’t believe him, but seeing as it was just a small thing, nobody mentioned it.
Atsushi hated that he kept on doing this same routine.
While sucking on his thumb did help him fall asleep easier, he woke up the next day with faint bite marks that often drew a little blood.
He tried to stop himself, he really did.
But when the fuzziness got to a certain point, he didn’t much think about the consequences. In the moment, he was just seeking comfort.
Some nights, he sadly remembered the paci that Dazai had given him, wishing he could have it.
The next day, he would immediately shake that thought off. No way in hell, was he asking his mentor for a goddamn pacifier.
He was an adult. A detective, who regularly fought against violent threats.
He shouldn’t- couldn’t use something that was meant for babies.
And yet, the faint longing of comfort dug its way into his heart. When he recalled the warm hugs from Dazai and Kunikida. The soft tone they used to talk to him, making his brain all mushy. The way even Ranpo made an effort to be nice and cheer him up.
It’d been nice. Really nice.
He wished he could have that again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Atsushi had a headache.
It wasn’t the kind of light pressure that you would experience during a cold.
Nor the pulling, sharp sting that came with dehydration.
It was a dull pounding, worsened every time he moved too quickly.
He was tired.
For a while now, Atsushi had decided to push through the fuzziness, and go to sleep like a normal person.
It hadn’t been too much trouble, until he noticed how hard it was getting to fall asleep. It often left him lying in bed, his head too restless to slip into sleep.
The last few days had been the worst.
He was fidgety, not being able to stay still while also not having the energy to do much of anything.
Even if he tried, the headache that he’d now developed stopped him from looking at his computer screen for long. Patrol would definitely not be a good idea, which is why he stuck to desk duty, in the first place. But now he was even having trouble with that.
“Atushi?”
He blinked. Maybe if he moved his eyes really slow, he would be able to read what’s on the screen without upsetting his head further.
“Atsushi?”, a gentle hand landed on his shoulder.
He barely had the energy to flinch.
“Why aren’t you downstairs?”
Atsushi questioningly squinted at the person next to him.
He scrambled to stand.
“Fukuzawa-san!”
His head was pounding. There were black spots creeping at the edges of his vision, he felt hot.
He almost didn’t register the sudden supporting, but soft grip on his shoulders, keeping him steady.
“Why don’t you come join me for some tea? The others are having lunch, right now. There’s plenty of time.”
It didn’t sound like much of a suggestion.
Atsushi knew he couldn’t say no to the president, and gave a small nod, humming in response.
He didn’t struggle as he was being led to the president’s office.
Even though it was part of the agency, the atmosphere felt very different.
He’d only been in here a handful of times, but he couldn’t deny liking it.
Despite being an office, it had a homey feeling. The soft light filtering through light orange curtains and the small table and couch at the opposite end of the room, a direct contrast to the table filled with work documents.
It was a space meant for work, but also for feeling relaxed and comfortable.
Even Atsushi, who’d made horrible experiences with people in authority, couldn’t help but let some of the strain lift off his shoulders.
Fukuzawa guided him to the couch. A small pot of tea, along with two cups had already been prepared.
Had Atsuhi been more aware, he would have probably realised how odd it was for the president to have tea for two people, instead of one.
As it was, he let his eyes flutter shut when he sank into the soft couch cushions.
“Here, please drink. It should soothe your headache.”
Atsushi forced himself to open his eyes again.
Fukuzawa was holding out a cup of tea towards him, his expression calm and patient.
The president must be a really good detective, Atsushi thought, he knew about his headache without even asking.
Slowly, he wrapped his hands around the warm cup, bringing it closer to himself.
The tea wasn’t steaming hot anymore, so it was perfect for drinking.
It was some sort of herbal tea, but Atsushi didn’t have nearly enough experience to discern what kind.
For a while, they just sat there silently, drinking tea.
Usually, Atsushi would feel the need to fill the awkward silence, but somehow Fukuzawa’s presence made it more calm than unsettling.
After setting his empty cup down, Atsushi tiredly leant against the arm of the couch.
He was so tired, he wished he could just fall asleep right here. The couch was so comfortable and soft, like he could be swallowed up by the cushions, into a world of soft warm pillows.
He jerked himself upright.
He couldn’t.
He had to work.
He shook his head a little to get rid of the fatigue.
Fukuzawa was still sitting in front of him, but Atsushi couldn’t even begin to interpret the look on his face.
Fukuzawa-san always looked so calm and collected.
Atsushi should be more like him, always professional. Instead, he was slouching on the man’s sofa, trying his best not to fall asleep or give into the fuzziness in his head.
The gentle pitter-patter of rain distracted Atsushi from whatever inner turmoil was about to break out.
Huh, he hadn’t known it was supposed to rain today. Now, he was glad that he was stuck doing paperwork.
The rhythmic sounds of raindrops against the window were steadily lulling him into a state of relaxation.
It was easy to calm down in this atmosphere.
Usually, there was always some kind of noise in the office, rendering any and all possibility of perfect silence impossible.
In the president’s office, all sounds seemed to be dampened. Whether this was on purpose or not, Atsushi merely enjoyed it for the time being.
He hadn’t even noticed his eyes slipping shut, until a soft knock on the door prompted him to open them in order to glare at whoever decided to disturb him.
However, Fukuzawa-san appeared to already have been expecting whoever was on the other side of the door.
The man gracefully rose to his feet almost immediately, making his way to the door, before Atsushi even had the time to blink.
Quiet and hushed words were exchange, but Atsushi didn’t care enough to pay attention.
Unexpectedly, though, Fukuzawa left his office and let another person enter in his stead.
Blinking through the haze of his sleep-addled mind, Atsushi made no move to stand from this heavenly couch.
The person didn’t seem to mind, though, coming over to him and crouching in front of him.
Atsushi didn’t take long to recognize the bandages and Dazai’s unique scent.
At least now he knew not to worry.
Not that he thought the president would leave him alone in his office with a threat, but Atsushi had trouble completely letting his guard down in front of just anyone.
His attention was grabbed by the familiar feeling of Dazai’s hand in his hair and he couldn’t help but lean into it.
For so many nights, he’d dreamt about the comforting touch that he’d experienced that day in the office.
“You really are a little trouble magnet, aren’t you?”
Dazai’s hand was still gentle in his hair, and the man hadn’t raised his voice at all. He actually sounded a bit amused, but that didn’t make any sense. Why would he be amused if Atsushi got in trouble all the time?
A huff made Atsushi look up to see Dazai’s face. The other’s eyes were crinkled up in a smile.
“You know, when we had that talk with you, we were hoping you’d see it as what it was meant to be. An offering of a helping hand from us. But it seems that was very optimistic thinking.” Despite his words, Dazai didn’t appear to be even the least but annoyed. “We though if we gave you some time, it would help, and you would end up coming to one of us. Or, well, that was what Kunikida kept saying. Ranpo and I knew that wouldn’t be happening, the first time you came in with that little bandage.”
Atsushi stared at him with wide eyes.
Had it actually been that obvious?
So, he hadn’t been imagining the feeling of being watched.
His eyes broke away from his mentor, looking anywhere else.
The responding sigh made him want to vomit. He was so scared the whole time, that someone would figure out his secret. And now the one person that he didn’t want to know the most, was right here and asking him about it.
“Atsushi.”
He flinched, squeezing his eyes shut as if he was bracing for a hit.
It never came.
Instead, a gentle hand cupped his cheek.
“You can calm down, Atsushi, it’s alright. No one here will punish you, especially when there’s nothing to punish you for. Just as we said, it’s completely fine, if you want or need to regress. Nobody here will get mad at you for it. Do you think you can look at me? I promise, I’m not mad at you.”
Atsushi hesitated, but Dazai sounded so genuine when he said that. Even if he was lying, Atsushi would have to see that for himself.
But there was no angry glint in Dazai’s eyes. He still had an arm outstretched, with his hand caressing Atsushi’s cheek.
“There you go. How about I sit on the couch with you, and we can make ourselves all comfortable, hm?”
It only took some shuffling for Dazai to be properly seated, propped up against the couch arm. He held out his arms, looking at Atsushi expectedly.
Atsushi couldn’t deny that he’d been dreaming of being able to hug Dazai again, but faced with it now, he desperately wanted to run away.
And wasn’t that just so stupid?
For him to be all whiney about not getting a hug, but now he was struggling.
It was so easy, too. Dazai was right there, waiting for him. But Atsushi couldn’t move an inch.
Self-conscious, he couldn’t help but curl further in on himself, hiding his face against his own arms.
“Oh, sweetheart.”
He could practically feel his ears turning red.
“We’re going to have a lot to work on, won’t we?”
And then hands were carefully arranging him against a warm chest, holding him as if he was something precious.
“That’s alright.We’ll just take one step at a time, nobody’s rushing.”
It was nice, just lying there, being held. Atsushi slowly lowered his arms, letting them rest in front of him. Dazai didn’t say anything about it, which Atsushi was grateful for. He might have just gone straight back into hiding, if he did.
He let out a content sigh when one of Dazai’s hands went back to carding through his hair. A low rumbling in his chest was slowly getting louder as he relaxed.
While it wasn’t unknown that Atsushi could purr, it still didn’t happen all that often, making it an all the more notable experience when it did.
Dazai let out a quiet laugh.
“You really are like a little kitty, you know?”
Atsushi whined in protest.
“Oh, my bad. You’re a big dangerous tiger, aren’t you?”
The sarcastic tone went right over Atsushi’s head, and he only hummed in agreement, making the older chuckle.
For some time, they simply bathed in eachother’s presence. The silence only disturbed by Atsushi’ purring.
Only when Atsushi let his hand trail up to his mouth, was he intercepted.
“Nope, no fingers for you, kitty.”
Atsushi made an upset sound. Why wasn’t he allowed to do what he wanted with his fingers?
“I’m sorry, but there’s no negotiating on this.”
Atsushi burrowed his face against the other’s chest, tugging unhappily on the shirt.
“Yes, yes, I know. Calm down, I didn’t say you weren’t getting anything. I just don’t want you to have to run around with a chewed-up finger again. We just have to wait a moment. I already texted Ranpo. Kuikida is out running errands. In this weather, can you believe it?”
Atsushi let Dazai’s rambling wash over him. He didn’t really know why Ranpo would be any help in this situation, but he was smart, so maybe he was supposed to come figure something out?
It seemed like Atsushi’s questions would soon be answered, as a knock on the door signalled a new arrival.
The knock was seemingly only for show, as the person on the other side didn’t even wait for an answer, before they pushed open the door.
Ranpo wasn’t particularly loud as he came in, nor did he slam the door. But his presence was just so different to Dazai’s, in a way that Atsushi couldn’t describe.
The detective only grinned at the pair on the couch, before making his way over. He proceeded to crouch down to Atsushi’s eye level, giving him a rare eye opened smile.
“Our little kitty finally tired himself out?”
It didn’t appear as though he was talking to Atsushi, so he didn’t make an attempt to answer, aside from pouting at the obvious joke about him.
“As if you didn’t already know.”
Ranpo’s grin only widened at Dazai’s comment.
Atsushi’s grip subconsciously tightened on Dazai’s shirt.
It wasn’t that he was scared of Ranpo, but he hated being in the spotlight, in general. Never mind having two of his superiors' attention solely focused on him.
Dazai, always aware of everything, had apparently noticed his inner turmoil and lightly scratched at Atsushi’s scalp in a soothing manner
“There is no reason to get all worked up, again. Ranpo is not going to be mean to you. We told you that nobody is going to judge you, and that includes Ranpo. He’s just here to help.”
Atsushi searched Ranpo’s face.
“Help?”, his voice was quiet, a hesitant whisper.
The detective’s grin softened into a more genuine smile.
“Yup. I couldn’t call myself the greatest detective, if I didn’t help others, now, could I? And it seems like one little kitty is in desperate need of some help. Anything, in particular, you’re feeling right now?”
What he was feeling?
Atsushi thought for a moment. The fog in his head made everything all fuzzy, so there wasn’t exactly much he was feeling. The only prominent thing was-
“Mh, ‘Zai?”
It wasn’t often that Atsushi got to see Ranpo be surprised by something.
Dazai’s chest was also slightly shaking now.
“That’s right, I’m here Atsushi. But I think Ranpo meant more, if there’s something you want right now.”
Atsushi furrowed his brows, well, then why didn’t Ranpo just say so?
Maybe it was a genius thing.
Either way, Atsushi didn’t know what he wanted.
He was already happy!
Dazai was hugging him, and he was all warm and safe.
He shrugged.
Ranpo had been watching him for an answer, so he easily noticed the movement.
“Hm, does our little one maybe want a paci?”
Despite the question being posed without any teasing, Atsushi still averted his gaze in shame.
He did want one. But was that really okay?
“Hey.” A light flick on his forehead brought his attention back to Ranpo. “There is no right or wrong answer. You’re little, and little ones are allowed to have a paci, if they want one. How about this, can you tell me how old you feel?”
Despite this having happened before, it was still weird for Atsushi to think about how old he was feeling, when he knew that his actual age was much different.
He couldn’t quite tell what age it was this time. It was all muddled.
He held up three fingers, then put one down, the back up.
“Let’s say two and a half.”
Atsushi nodded. Yeah, that felt right.
“Alright. Would you take the paci of a two or three year old away, if you saw them with one?”
Atsushi shook his head. He would never do that!
“Mean.", it wasn’t much louder than a mumble, but it would have to suffice.
“Exactly, that would be really mean. So, it should also be okay, if you had one. You’re just as little. Does that sound right?”
While Atsushi may have answered differently before, he nodded his agreement now. Ranpo was really smart, and what he explained made sense.
“Okay. So, let me ask you again. Do you want a paci? Remember, there is no right or wrong answer.”
Even if he had already decided, Atsushi still took the time to slightly twist his body, so he’d be able to look up at Dazai.
The man gave him an encouraging smile. It made his stomach fill with butterflies.
He turned back to Ranpo, and shyly nodded.
“See, that wasn’t so bad. I even have a little reward for you.” The man held up two pacifiers. One white with a little black cat on the font, the other black with a white cat. “You can pick whichever one you want.”
Atsushi’s eyes sparkled with excitement, energetically tugging at Dazai’s shirt, his tiredness all but forgotten.
“Yeah, I see, Atsushi.”, the man laughed, “You gotta pick one, sweetheart.”
Atsushi looked back and forth. This was an important decision, after all. He had to look at everything properly!
In the end, he pointed at the black one. While he loved both of them, he had to make a decision, and that one was the one he liked most, right now.
“Great choice!”, Ranpo replied, “I’ll keep the other one safe, so you can have it whenever you want.”
He was still allowed to keep it?
Atsushi had thought that he was only able to have one of them.
Ranpo gently ruffled his hair, making him close his eyes briefly. The detective used that moment to nudge at his mouth with the black pacifier. Atsushi reflexively opened his mouth, making it easy to place the pacifier inside.
Even if he was briefly surprised, Atsushi didn’t much mind, immediately starting to rhythmically suck on the plastic.
It was only the second time he was using a paci, and it was much different than sucking on his thumb, but Atsushi liked it.
Not having to worry about potentially hurting himself, had him relaxing much faster. It also helped that he didn’t have to worry about the possibility of someone finding out about it and making fun of him.
With Dazai steadily carding through his hair, while holding him close, it was easy to let his eyes slip shut for some much-needed rest.
Ranpo and Dazai were still quietly talking, their voices serving as soft background noise with the rain, guiding Atsushi into a peaceful state of sleep.