Chapter Text
"I have been astonished that Men could die Martyrs for religion — I have shudder’d at it — I shudder no more.
I could be martyr’d for my Religion — Love is my religion — I could die for that — I could die for you."
- John Keats. Love Letter to Fanny Brawne.
mark has known his love ever since he was 14.
he's been in love with him for a decade now, and couldn't utter a word of it to anyone.
how pitiful.. mark thought, drumming his fingertips against his abdomen as he stared blankly at their apartment ceiling. a love like this.. what a waste of heart.. and yet - as the sound of keys jingling tinkered in his ears, as mark propped himself on his elbows to listen as the door opened and familiar footsteps padded around their apartment, as a head popped into his doorway and regarded him with crinkled eyes, a ghost of a smile on his lips, and a quiet, "hey, markie." - and yet, mark thought bitterly, dropping back into his sheets as johnny disappeared back into the hallway. and yet, i can't seem to let him go.
"how was your day?" mark had asked once he'd willed the familiar ache in his chest to disappear, once he'd wondered out of the safety of his room and into their shared space. johnny was lounged out on the couch as a rerun of a dumb sitcom painted itself across the screen.
"the usual." johnny tipped his head back against the armrest, eyes locking with mark's. "yours?"
"the usual." he parroted, fingertips itching with the need to just reach forward, brush the locks that had fallen into his eyes behind his ears. he shoved his hand into his pocket.
"cool." johnny flitted his eyes away, uninterested, and mark released a breath he hadn't realised he was holding.
he's held his love for the man before him for 10 years, and even though he could tell you how much each moment hurt, how every second with johnny made fireworks singe his fragile heart, he wouldn't be able to tell you when it got like this. how friendship that had once bloomed into comforting familiarity, then led them astray to where they are now - an uncomfortable limbo where the air feels thick and the tense awkwardness makes mark's heart heavy. he doesn't know how it happened, how what was something so beautiful became nothing but a shell of what it once was.
mark doesn't know.
he just knows that even now, as johnny has lost interest and stared mindlessly at the tv screen, mark's presence long forgotten, mark knows even now that he still loves him.
he also knows, somewhere in the back of his mind, that where they are now is somehow his fault.
"i'm.. i'm going out." mark mumbled, turning on his heels to grab his jacket from the hook - he waited, waited as he shoved his arms into the sleeves and laced up his boots, waited still as he rest his hand over the doorknob and glanced back at johnny.
"okay." was all he got, and mark bit back a sharp laugh. only fools have hope, and mark seems to be the biggest fool of them all. mark didn't say anything else, didn't ask the questions he wanted to - why don't you ask where? don't you want to know what time i'll be back? don't you care?
mark shook his head as he stepped out, closing the door shut behind him with a soft 'thud'. he's being juvenile, he reasoned. johnny is not his parent, he doesn't need to know about his whereabouts like that. he sighed as he took the stairs down their apartment complex, out into the quiet street - he's not my parent, mark thought, he doesn't need to ask, it doesn't mean he doesn't care.
distantly, as mark wandered aimlessly down the road, he ignored the voice quietly whispering that johnny didn't even say goodbye.
mark walked, and walked, until his nose was red from the cold and his fingers began to hurt, and so he stopped in front of a quaint little café on the corner of the street. he eyed the wilting wisteria decorating the doorway, and his eyes flickered up to the little bell that chimed as he opened the door and let himself in, the warmth and smell of coffee and pastries wrapping around him in a welcoming embrace.
the boy behind the counter looked up at the noise, eyes turning to crescents as he smiled at mark. "hello!"
"hi." mark gave a tentative smile back, eyes sweeping the inside to find only three other customers here, and the sounds of tapping away at the keys of a laptop were constant under the gentle lull of the music the café was playing from its speakers. instrumental and gentle and comforting and mark clenched his jaw, brow ticking down as he felt his emotions bubble up -
"sir..?"
he spun on his heel and walked out, closing his eyes harshly as he took a step, then another, until he was around the corner and suddenly he couldn't breathe - he slumped against the wall, hands on his knees as he started at the cracks in the pavement and willed his breathing to settle. shaky breaths rattling through him as he pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes.
how pathetic.
mark would laugh, if his lungs didn't feel like they were made from jelly. he straightened and took a deep breath, looking up at the clouds drifting across the sky - "you're pathetic.." mark muttered, words carried away in the wind as he looked forward again, frowning at himself. why was he getting so worked up? over music? something about the homeliness of the place felt like a sucker punch to the gut, and mark scoffed a laugh as he shook his head - he couldn't even walk into a damn café without his heart hurting, and all of this over a boy who doesn't even care.
mark longed to feel bitter, angry at johnny for wasting his love like this - but what could he do? he didn't have it in him to hate him, every smile sent his way made his insides turn to goo even when the smile didn't quite reach johnny's eyes, every laugh made his heart flutter even when they started being at him rather than with.
mark was in love with him, what could he do? his love was selfish, his love was cruel, but his love was true and mark couldn't shake himself out of it no matter how hard he tried, and tried he did, goddammit. every time johnny brought someone new home, leaving mark sleepless and aching as he heard the giggles and sheets rustling through the walls, the sounds of johnny making love to someone new every damn time, but not mark, never mark. every time johnny would go on a date, looking for love, ignoring what was right at home, waiting for him -
his love was selfish.
that, mark knew.
johnny did not owe it to mark to love him back, but mark couldn't help the bitterness seeping in his veins every time johnny had his arm around another woman, another man, eyes twinkling as he held them, kissed them, crying to mark when his heart was broken and mark's mouth would bleed with his harsh biting of his tongue - i would never do that to you, he'd want to scream, i'd love you like you deserve, i'd cherish you, why do you throw your heart at everyone but me, why won't you love me -
mark, was pathetic.
he scoffed as he shook his head, the thoughts were unhealthy, he knew that. but what could he do? mark was in love.
his love, he's come to realise, was pathetic, too.
"uh - excuse me!" mark snapped out of his reverie, blinking sluggishly as he tilted his head, the boy from behind the counter stood in front of him with his chest heaving, black strands of hair poking his eyes and making him wince. "excuse me." he repeated, pushing his hair back only to pause again as he locked eyes with mark - a beat. and then, "you're crying."
what? mark frowned, hand reaching up to swipe under his eye, smearing the wetness against his skin and watching the pad of his finger twinkle under the sunlight - and oh. he was crying.
"uh - here!" the boy bumbled, reaching into his apron and handing mark a napkin - "for uh.." he motioned to his eyes and mark looked at the napkin, then at the strange boy who looked at him with so much concern it was bleeding out of him, seeping into the cracks of the pavement and wrapping around marks ankles and anchoring him to his spot - he doesn't remember the last time someone regarded him with such care - and oh, mark might cry again.
"thank you.." he sniffed, hesitant as he took the napkin in his hand. thumb running over the soft material, he stopped on the little cartoon cat face that was printed onto the corner.
"that- that's seol!" mark looked up questioningly, and the angel flushed. "my.. my cat."
"oh." mark looked at the patched tabby's face. "that's cute." his voice sounded distant, even to his own ears, and mark wanted to clarify that he meant that because even to him it sounded half-hearted but the boy smiled in return.
"thank you." mark watched his eyes curve into crescents, the ghost of a smile making it's way onto his lips - this boy was like happiness personified, sunny and bright and everything mark wasn't.
"thank you." mark rubbed his eyes a little embarrassed, because the boy was watching him so intently, "um - why are you.." he hesitated, "not to be rude, but shouldn't you be at the café..? what if someone comes in?"
"they can wait." mark blinked at that, but the boy stared at him resolutely. "you- you looked sad, when you came in. and then you left so quickly, and i was worried so i-i came out to look for you, to make sure you were okay.." at mark's silence, the boy grew flustered. "my-my friend is there anyway, i don't know if you saw him but he was the kid hunched over the laptop, he can help if someone comes in so - uh. don't worry." he finished a little awkwardly, hand coming up to rub his pinkened nape. "are.. are you okay? i know this is a little weird, since i- uh, kinda chased you out here and all but - are you..? okay, i mean."
"i'm.. i'm fine." the answer came on autopilot, and mark willed himself to look away as the boy wilted in response, frown deepening as he opened his mouth to respond. "i um. thank you, for this." he raised the napkin, "i've got to go." mark didn't know where, "sorry." he didn't know why he was apologising either, another thing slipping out of his mouth on auto-pilot, and the boy seemed to like that even less.
"jeno." he said suddenly, speaking up as mark side stepped around him.
mark turned to look at him, "what?"
"my name." the boy smiled again, and mark distantly thought that it suited him. "my name is jeno."
"jeno.." mark flicked his eyes over his shoulder, then at jeno again, unsure where to go from here. "i'm mark." the same awkwardness from the apartment was beginning to seep into his bones, and mark wondered if the common denominator was just him, but then jeno somehow smiled brighter. it enough for mark to take a step back at the shear amount of happiness in it. so much happiness that mark imagined jeno's heart must be bursting at the seams to keep all that love inside of him.
"mark." he parroted, lifting a hand in a wave. "nice to meet you. i hope i see you again, soon."
"um.. yeah." mark cringed at himself, but jeno didn't seem to mind as he nodded once, and then with one last blinding smile, turned and made his way back to the café. mark watched him leave and wondered what it was like, to have a heart like that. a heart bursting with flowers and rainbows and mark thought absently as he watched jeno leave, that he hoped his heart didn't end up like mark's.
what a waste of love that would be.
"i'm back." mark said softly, stepping into the apartment to find johnny right where he left him, sprawled out on the sofa as he stared mindlessly at the tv. it was like time had paused once mark had left only to resume as soon as he stepped back into the room, like life would never even think of mark missing a moment with johnny - what a shame. mark blinked as johnny tipped his head back, the same way he had just a few hours prior when mark left, and mark felt his fingers twitch like they did then when those same strands of hair fell over his eyes. he clenched his fist. what a pain.
johnny didn't say anything, just looked at him blankly for a bit before tilting his head forward again and staring resolutely at the tv.
just like before.
life must hate him, mark thought, as he kicked his shoes off and shuck of his coat. the déjà vu hit him almost as hard as the atmosphere at the café had, except mark was flooded with two vastly different emotions. it was ridiculous. mark almost laughed at the absurdity.
johnny didn't have anything to say, and neither did mark, but he didn't want to leave. not yet. so he hesitated, then wandered over to johnny and sat on the couch by his feet, not touching, not quite, but johnny turned his attention from the tv to mark. and his love was cruel, because he smiled sharply. he looked at him like a predator looked at its prey, like he was going to eat mark whole, rip him limb from limb until there was nothing left, and turned so his head was in mark's lap instead. mark knew it was impractical because johnny had to strain to see the screen from here, but he lay his head there anyway, and mark's a fool, he's a fool, a complete and utter fool, so he let johnny stay there. he ran tentative fingers through his hair as johnny gave him a rare moment of love and mark basked in it, soaked it all in to savour each and every drop. johnny's eyes flickered up, briefly, as mark tried to steady his heart and he looked at mark like was the most amusing thing he'd seen. like he was holding back a laugh.
mark ignored the cruel tilt of his lips, instead forced himself to see it as a fond smile, like he always did.
his rose tinted glasses were beginning to rust.
"oh, mark." johnny's voice was alight with mirth, hand coming up to cup his cheek. "what are we going to do with you, hm?"
mark didn't know what he was talking about. he furrowed his brow slightly but leaned into the touch anyway, and this time johnny did laugh, sharp and sudden like it was punched out of him. "you're a lost cause." his voice was low, but his tone was sharp, cutting, slicing into mark's heart as he sat up and shook his head, teasing smile like he knew exactly the effect he had on mark.
he probably did.
"don't wait up tonight." he stood up, and mark's heart was bleeding, staining his rib cage red with every word. johnny smiled through the words, big and bright, "i'm spending the night elsewhere, if you catch my drift." he laughed as mark released a breath, nodding mutely and leaning into the cushions. he laughed like there was something funny about the whole thing. maybe there was, for him. not for mark. "oh, mark." he sighed, filled with mirth just like he had before, and maybe johnny was evil. maybe johnny was evil, because he said, "never change." with amusement basically dripping from the words, and he sighed, looking down at mark one last time before he left, and johnny was evil. there was pity, in the way johnny he looked at him before he left, there was knowing, too. he knew about mark's love, the boy was always one to wear his heart on his sleeve, so how could he not? and mark's love was cruel, because all he could think was that pity meant he felt sorry for him, he felt something for him. mark ignored the fact that johnny had looked at him like was pathetic for being in love with him for so long.
mark knew he was.
distantly, he always knew johnny thought he was, too.
"My love has made me selfish. I cannot exist without you — I am forgetful of every thing but seeing you again —
my Life seems to stop there — I see no further."
mark wonders what he'd do now.
he's lived his life so intertwined with johnny's, that he doesn't know what to do without him.
the thought of leaving makes his chest burn, but what else is there to do? johnny does not want him, mark can't think of a single soul who does.
mark's had this train of thought a million times over, but he never leaves. never does. why would he? his love is cruel and has bound him to johnny, and maybe it's all in his head and if mark was a stronger man, he could walk out of that door right now and find something better - but he is not. he never has been, and so he lets his heart rot away and lets his chest burn with want because mark, it turns out, is nothing but a coward.
johnny is all he's known. he can't exist without him. he can't.
mark is weak for that, he knows. and he suspects that is something johnny knows too, with his vicious smiles as he tells tale after tale of a lover that will never be mark, he knows mark won't leave. he knows that no matter what, mark will always come back. it's sick, it's twisted, but mark can't help but letting the cycle run it's course again and again and again until his heart has broken so many times that there is nothing left, until the shattered pieces are too small and too many and it would take an army to stitch it all up again - until his heart is nothing but dust, long forgotten, even then, he'd let the cycle run it's course.
sometimes mark feels sorry, for his heart, that it was made in a body like his. stuck to a boy like him, who will never be able to give it the love it needs.
johnny, his heart, himself, all mark seems to do is let people down.
he laughed, back in his bedroom, sprawled over the sheet with an arm covering his eyes as he faced the ceiling, he laughed. "what a disappointment.." he whispered, the word's heavy in the stillness of his room, johnny, his heart, himself - mark didn't know what he was referring to.
maybe one. maybe all.
mark closed his eyes and pretended to sleep, pretended because he knew he wouldn't be able to, because insomnia will keep him awake all night, until the crack of dawn when johnny opens the door and walks to his room, because life is cruel and doesn't like making things easy for mark -
he closed his eyes and pretended to sleep.
jeno stared at the door with a frown.
"mark won't just appear out of thin air if you keep staring at the door, you know?"
jisung looked over at him from where he was seated by a table window, where he always sat because the cat stickers on the glass looked like they were running over the table and jisung thought it was cute, the same table he was at when mark had briefly showed up a few weeks ago. "if he comes, he comes. you can't force it."
jeno grunted, frowning down at the counter. "i just - i wanted to make sure he was okay."
"i'm sure he is." jisung answered distractedly, typing away on his keyboard but the answer just made jeno frown harder - he hadn't see mark, outside the café, hadn't seen him cry, hadn't seen his hands shake, hadn't seen the way he looked so hurt so lost when he looked up at jeno, hadn't seen mark the way jeno had. he was buzzing with worry the second he'd stepped away from him, but what could he do? he didn't know him, and he couldn't invite him back, mark had said he had somewhere to be. the worry stayed gnawing at his chest the next day, and the day after that, and after that, and even now and jeno doesn't know why - he knows he's compassionate, he knows he cares a lot, but never this much. never this much this fast.
jeno suspects it was the way mark had looked, so broken as he stared at the pavement, then at the napkin, then at jeno. the way his eyes were so dull, a bone-deep fatigue haunting him in a way that had his heart clench with worry - he should have wrote his number on that napkin, at least then he might have known by now how mark is. wherever he was, jeno hoped that he was okay.
"oh! jeno - he's here!" jeno rolled his eyes at that, looked at jisung who was staring out of the window and scoffed.
"knock it off, i'm seriously worried here."
"what?" jisung turned with a scowl, "i'm serious, look!" jeno blinked, skirting around the counter and standing besides jisung's table, looking out of the window and - there he was. he inhaled sharply, mark wasn't looking at the café, and he didn't look like he'd be stopping by either, so he yanked his apron off and shoved it besides jisung's laptop.
"take care of the café for me real quick?"
"what-" he heard jisung splutter before groaning in defeat as he sped out of the building, the bell chiming mixing with jisung's dismay and catching a few confused glances from the customers that were inside. "uh - nothing to worry about." jisung waved his wrist, sighing as he stood up and threw the apron on, making his way behind the counter as he watched jeno run towards mark with a scowl. "you better get his damn number." he grumbled to himself, propping his elbows on the counter as he waited for a customer to stroll through the doors.
jeno bounced on his feet, willed the lights to turn red and dashed across the crossing, grabbing mark's elbow when he was within reach - "mark!"
the boy jumped, spinning around with a gasp - "jeno..!" he sighed, hand coming to his chest as he scowled, "you scared me."
"sorry." he smiled sheepishly, eyes scanning mark to see how he was, "i just - i was worried, and i wanted to see how you were." mark regarded him for a second, and jeno took the opportunity to look at him too. his hair was messy as it had been the other day, the wind tousling his dark waves, and those pretty eyes of his still held a tiredness that made jeno's own shoulders slump. he looked at the ghost of a frown ruining mark's pretty petal lips.
"what?"
jeno blinked, "what?"
mark stared at him with confusion, brows furrowed. "why were you still worried..?"
"why..?" jeno frowned, "because i care..?" he frowned harder when he saw mark open his mouth, then close it, the why? loud even without words and something about it made jeno's heart squeeze. "you don't need a reason to care, mark. i just do." he said softly, and mark still looked at him like he didn't understand.
"okay.." his voice was sceptical. "uh - i'm.. i'm okay." mark nodded, and jeno knew he was lying. he said nothing though, watched as mark nodded as if to convince himself. "thank you." mark tacked on after a beat, like an afterthought, and jeno smiled warmly.
"of course! no need to thank me!" mark nodded again, shuffling from foot to foot and jeno so badly wanted to ask his own why? wanted to know why mark was walking around with a heart so heavy it made him drag his feet and his shoulders sag, made those doe eyes of his dark and pulled those lips into a frown. he couldn't though - how could he? it was the same problem as before, the same problem as when he first saw mark and wanted to know why a pretty boy like him was so sad, but he didn't know how. the silence stretched between them, both unsure what to say, until jeno blurted out his next words.
"can i have your number?"
"uh.." there was a pause, and mark blinked at him, unsure. "why?"
so i can check on you, so i can make sure you're okay - jeno couldn't say these either. it was weird how he cared so much about mark, jeno knew that, but it was like his heart had latched onto him. he wanted to do what he could to make him a little brighter, make those eyes sparkle and those lips smile and take away that sadness mark carried around like a cloud hovering over his head. jeno wouldn't be able to tell you why, much like mark wouldn't be able to tell you why his heart latched onto johnny. the heart just does what it wants, and jeno was always one to follow heart over head, anyway. "i want to be friends." he settled on instead, a truth in its own right, and the only truth he'd share with mark for now. "can we?"
"oh." mark looked startled, he looked startled a lot around jeno. "er.. sure?" jeno lit up, heart thumping as he smiled at mark.
"awesome." he grinned, fishing out his phone and handing it to mark, "you can just give me yours, then i'll text you and you can save mine."
mark nodded, a little hesitant, but ultimately taking the phone and putting in his number, saving himself as 'mark'. jeno grinned, sending mark a quick hello before pocketing his phone. "okay, uh." mark have jeno a tentative smile, barely there but enough for the butterflies to wake up in his tummy. "i'll text you..?"
"yeah." jeno grinned, waved as mark stepped back. "bye, mark."
mark startled again and jeno wasn't sure why. he paused as mark looked at him, an indecipherable emotion passing across his face before he shook his head, lifting his own hand in a wave as he stepped further away, "bye jeno."
jeno squinted at his figure and lit up, waving until mark turned and smiled happily to himself. jeno doesn't know what he did, but he'd gladly do it over and over again, because when mark waved goodbye, his smile was just a little bit brighter.
mark didn't know what to think of jeno.
he'd run into him while he was out on a walk to clear his head and everything about jeno surprised mark.
he was odd, he thought as he opened the kitchen tap and poured himself a glass of water. jeno was odd.
he wanted to be mark's friend.
mark looked at his phone on the kitchen counter, jeno's notification still unopened and displayed on his screen.
#####: hi mark !! it's jeno ^^
he smiled at the little emoticon, it was just so jeno. he tilted the glass back, let the cool liquid slide down his throat, down and down and hoped it's drown the fire his heart holds for johnny. mark frowned at that, johnny, johnny, johnny. it was all he thought, and it was beginning to drive him crazy - he shook his head, setting the glass down in the sink with a soft 'clink' and picked up his phone, heading straight to his bedroom.
johnny wasn't home, so mark left his door ajar as he settled into his bed, leaning against his headboard as opened jeno's message and thought of what to say.
should he say anything? jeno didn't know what he was getting into, trying to be friends with mark. he huffed as he ran his thumb along the corner of his case absentmindedly, the worst that can happen, he supposes, is jeno will realise mark is boring and mopes too much and not worth his time and he'll leave him alone - sounds bad, sure, but mark's been through worse. he bit his bottom lip, chewed on the skin until it teared as he stared at jeno's number on his screen -
distantly, he wondered what would johnny think.
he wouldn't care.
he wouldn't care.
he wouldn't care.
mark closed his eyes, tilting his head back as he released a shallow breath, listening to the timid voice in the back of his head for once - usually he'd ignore it, blinded by his affection, but he's wasted so much love on johnny, so much life that mark's worried he's going to die before he ever really lives. a decade is a long time, and maybe mark is stupid for taking so long, for letting things go this far, but he was young, is young, and so so in love his heart burns.
he'd watched johnny pull further and further away, and he deluded himself into staying put because who's going to be there when he comes home?
he's never coming home.
not to mark, anyway. he'll never be home. and it's about time he realised that.
he shook his head, willing for once, for once, that his mind isn't plagued by a man with long blonde hair and a sharp smile. instead, he thought of jeno - jeno, with his jet black hair, jeno, with his soft smile, jeno who was the complete opposite of the johnny that the man he loved has become. jeno was sweet and kind and cared for mark in a way johnny hasn't in years, and mark finds himself calling himself a fool all over again. a complete and utter fool, but this time, he's planning on doing something about it.
he looked down at his phone and let his fingers fly across the keys. he pressed send without thinking too much of it because he was allowed to do this, he was allowed to be happy, and goddammit, was mark going to try his damn hardest.
mark: hey jeno, it's mark.