Archive of Our Own

“He would've hated seeing you like this.”

 “Excuse me?” Zayn says and turns towards a young black-eyed man in a dark green jacket who's just spoken to him and who’s smiling a little too politely.

 “Niall,” the man says slowly, like he's testing the ground, carefully studying Zayn's reaction to the name. “He would've hated seeing you like this,” he repeats.

 Zayn feels his hands starting to shake and his heart rate speeding up. The fact that even the minority of people who didn't know who One direction and it's famous, young out-of-closet couple were before the accident, knew it all very well now, was bad enough. He really doesn’t need anyone to pretend like they know anything about his feelings.

So he ignores the man’s comment, and heads towards the next aisle, the one holding dairy products. He grabs a whole package of chocolate puddings and places it in his cart. The lads, who have been filling his fridge for the last few months because he has refused to willingly mingle with other people and wasn't really in the mood for food either, always bought him vanilla pudding. Now that Zayn has finally decided that he needed to eat after all, he went to the store himself – he’s too tired to explain to the boys that most of the food they saw in their apartment before was Niall's preference.

 And Niall's gone.

 “I can help you,” the green jacket man says in his spine-tingling voice, and Zayn finds it a little disturbing that the man’s following him.

 He laughs humourlessly.  “Are you some kind of drug dealer? You want to sell me some pills or something? Some antidepressives?”

 The man laughs too, but his laugh sounds more genuine, like he's honestly amused by his speculation and not just annoyed like Zayn is.

 “No, nothing like that. I can give you what you really need, Zayn.”

 Zayn's name rolls off of the man's tongue in a manner that's supposed to sound convincing but is almost threatening. Zayn decides he should have never left his apartment and he pushes his cart away from the green jacket man with his weird coal black eyes and even weirder shrill voice.

 “So, I'm guessing you don't want Niall to return?” the man calls after him, and it's the last straw for Zayn, who turns back and launches himself at him, grabbing his neck and pushing him into a shelf full of milk cartons.

 “Shut up, you fucking twat! Who do you think you are?” he says through his teeth, grabbing the man's neck a little harder before letting him go. The man falls on his knees, his hands grasping at his aching neck, but he's laughing and Zayn concludes that he must be a total whack job.

“I can't really tell you that,” he responds, standing up, his laugh turning into a widely stretched grin. “But I can show you. Sort of. What were you doing two hours ago?” 

“What?” Zayn chokes out. “What the fuck has that got-“

Zayn never manages to finish that sentence because the man grabs his hand, and they start spinning, the ground disappearing under his feet, and the supermarket vanishing from his view. When the spinning stops and his feet touch solid ground again, he opens his eyes to find that they're in his apartment, a mop of a familiar hair peering from the couch, staring at the black TV screen. When its owner turns around Zayn finds himself staring at his own confused, backwards face, which disappears in matter of seconds. 

“Ok, so I'm dreaming,” Zayn concludes, and the man besides him barks out another one of his high-pitched laughs. 

“You're not,” he disagrees. “We went back in time, the other you disappeared when he saw you, because there can't be two of you, now can there?”

Zayn disregards his explanation. “This is different from my usual dreams. I'm not sure if I like it.”

 "Snap out of it, Zayn, it's not a dream,” the man says, snapping his fingers in front of Zayn's face. 

“Right,” Zayn says slowly, sarcastically. “You actually took me back in time, and you can also bring back the death, so you're going to bring back Niall and we're going to live happily ever after.” 

“Exactly, now you're getting it. Only not really ever after.  More like a month.”

“A month?” 

“Yeah. I'll get you Niall back for a month, but you have to give me something in return,” the man offers, making it sound like he’s proposing a simple business deal.

“Like what?” Zayn asks, wondering what exactly someone could ask as a price for bringing back the death.

“When Niall leaves again, you have to join him.” 

“So you're going to kill me?”  Zayn asks matter-of-factly. 

The man laughs, for what is probably the hundredth time. “Don't be silly. I'm not going to kill you. I don't do that. But you are going to die, yes. “

When Zayn remains quiet, the man steps closer and offers him his gloved hand. 

“So do we have a deal?” 

Zayn actually gives it a thought for a second. If this was a real deal, he would've definitely taken it. He would've probably agreed to anything that would've enabled him to see Niall again. He wasn't sure if the man was being serious or not, but this was just a dream anyway so there's no harm in accepting it.

“Okay,” he says calmly, taking the man's outstretched hand and shaking it firmly.

“Great,” the man proclaims, grinning. “Let's take a sit and I'll explain how this goes. Oh, and you can call me Bune by the way.”

Zayn doesn't follow Bune to the couch until he's already seated and tapping the place next to him to signal Zayn to join him.

“So at midnight I'll come to take you four months back. That way I can put Niall back in his body before anyone sees he's dead. He'll still be in an accident but obviously he'll survive. People will probably think it's a miracle, and you need to let them believe it. That means, keep your mouth shut! Is that clear?”

Bune waits until Zayn nods before he continues. “The countdown will start straight away. You'll have 30 days. Also, there's no backing away from this, so don't come crawling to me saying you've changed your mind.”  He says that last instruction like it's something that happens to him a lot and irks him immensely. “I think that's all, my friend, I'll see you at midnight.”

Zayn expects him to snap his fingers and disappear, but to his surprise Bune actually stands up and walks through the front door.

Once he's gone, Zayn can't stop wondering why this dream seems so much more real than all his other ones and why is he even aware of the fact that he's dreaming. He remembers he read something about lucid dreaming, and he thinks this must be it.

He reaches for the phone and dials the first number in his speed dial.

It takes only two rings until a familiarly warm voice answers.

“Hello?”

“Liam?” Zayn manages quietly.

“Zayn? What’s wrong?” Liam asks straight away, and for once the worry in his voice doesn’t make Zayn feel guilty – after all, it’s all a dream.  Even though he's isn't as sure of that as he was before.

“Are you awake?”

“Yeah, you want me to come over?”

“No, it's fine. Just...Is...Is this real, Li?”

He hears Liam sigh sadly, desperately almost, and he kicks himself mentally for asking that. Now Liam's going to think this is about a totally different thing and Zayn's hard work aimed at making the boys think he's  doing okay will all go to waste.

But if this is a dream, none of that should matter.

“That's not what I meant,” he says to try and fix it nonetheless.” I know that's real, I just...I thought I was dreaming.”

“I don't think you are,” Liam replies seriously.

“Yeah, I don't think I am either,” Zayn responds, and as he does, a smile stretches on his face - a true smile, the kind he hasn't been wearing for a while.

When Bune shows up at midnight, Zayn is awake and waiting, having decided that it indeed was real and that soon he's going to see Niall again. Just the prospect of it makes him want to jump up and down from excitement, and he has a hard time sitting still on the edge of the couch.

Bune doesn't say much, he just grabs his hand and after experiencing that spinning sensation again, Zayn find himself in the exactly same place he was merely seconds ago. At first he wonders if they travelled in time at all, but then he spots a bowl of chips on the coffee table in front of him and notices that the window curtains are wide opened. Both of those things were an almost constant occurrence when Niall was still alive and a very rare one since he had died.

He smiles and cries out “Niall! NIALL!”

“He's not here,” Bune says, his voice coloured with laughter. “But you will get a call saying he had an accident and is in the hospital in about half an hour.”

Bune disappears after that – he doesn't snap his fingers beforehand, though.

Zayn doesn't know what to do, so he sits and waits. Nothing much happens until another Zayn walks in the living room and vanishes as soon as he sees him, after what the remaining Zayn gets a terrifying thought that Niall isn't coming back and that Bune is doing this just to make him relive it all again. And laugh at him while watching him do it, most likely.

He sits there, scared to death, for another 20 minutes until a phone rings.

They're calling from the hospital (just like Bune said they will) to let him know that Niall had an accident, but that he's alright (Zayn lets out a massive sigh at that) and that he can come and see him.

Zayn is already in the car when he remembers that he should probably let everyone else know, after all he's Niall’s in case of emergency person, and he's probably the only one they've called.

He thinks about not calling them until he gets to chance to spend some time with Niall alone, but he remembers that that would be too suspicious (and selfish – Niall probably wants to see everybody else, too, not just him), so he does and he has a hard time keeping the joy out of his voice while everybody gasps worriedly over the phone.

His nerves are making his whole body shiver by the time he rushes through the hospital door, ignoring the bright flashes of cameras (how did the paparazzi already know?) and asks the first nurse he runs into for Niall Horan’s room number.

The nurse is young and obviously a little star struck by him, because she giggles before answering, her cheeks getting all rosy. She gives him the information he needs and insures him in her singsong voice that Niall is doing just fine.

When Zayn reaches his room, he takes a deep breath to steady himself, before pulling the door open. He sees a blonde boy lying in bed, his eyes closed.  A few bruises and cuts are evident on the skin of his face and arms, but from the way his chest is rising up and falling down rhythmically, it’s undeniably clear that he's alive.

Zayn feels tears starting to flow before he can stop them, and he sits on the edge of Niall's bed, grasping his face with his hands gently, kissing him before he knows what he's doing.

When Niall wakes up and Zayn sees his gorgeous blue eyes for the first time after four months, he's so wrapped up in the moment that he fails to notice that besides love, there's a lot of confusion, even bewilderment mixed up in them.

“Zayn?” Niall manages, sitting up in his bed to get a better look at his surroundings.

“I don’t think you should get up, you still might be hurt,” Zayn instructs but Niall ignores him.

“I don't understand,” he announces, his gaze still circling the room. “I'm dead. Why am I here?”

“You're not dead anymore, Ni. You're here with me. I missed you so much, you have no idea. And I love you, God  I love you!

Zayn's still crying but after another moment of confusion, Niall kisses all his tears away, pulling him impossibly close, so close in fact, that Zayn can feel his every heartbeat. It feels so right that Zayn wonders how that heart ever managed to stop throbbing.

When they finally pull away from each other, Niall looks a little breathless as he says “I love you, too. Now explain what happened.”

“I'll explain later, we don't have much time before the others arrive. All you need to know right now is that they don't know you've ever died, so act like you haven't, okay?”  Zayn takes in Niall's baffled expression and hopes that he isn't asking too much of him too soon.

“How could they not know? I’m pretty sure it's been a while,” Niall shots back, his voice restless and Zayn just wants to hold him and comfort him, and explain all about how at this point none of his friends and family has had to go through the process of losing him. However, he's pretty sure he doesn't have the time for that, so he just blurs out “We've gone back in time. The accident you've been in now is the one you died in before.”

“So you're the only one who knows I'm dead?”

“You're not dead!”

Niall stares at him for a moment, and Zayn wordlessly pleads with him to believe him. Niall nods slightly before the door bursts open with Harry, Zayn, Liam and Paul rushing through it, a plump nurse trailing behind them, desperately trying to explain that there's too many of them and that they can't all be in here at the same time.

Zayn is pushed aside as the three boys try to hug Niall all at the once, yelling things like “Niall! You're alive!”  and “I told you someone's going to get hurt if you get behind a wheel!”

When they all get their turn to embrace him and rustle his hair and give him sloppy kisses on the cheek (while the annoyed nurse screams at them and calls for nurse back up), Paul pushes forward to squeeze his shoulder and tell him how lucky he is to be alright.

“The police are outside, they told me that judging by the looks of the car it's a bloody miracle you've survived!”

“We'll have to celebrate this day as your second birthday!” Louis proclaims. “We can have a party tonight, actually.”

“Not such a good idea, considering he's still in the hospital,” Paul tells him, and there's a hidden Don't you dare to throw a party here!  hidden in his words somehow.

Niall goes through the whole ordeal with a big smile on his face, and it’s not hard to tell he's genuinely glad to see his boys again, but Zayn feels like there's something wrong. At first he's a little distracted by the lads himself, after all he hasn't exactly seen them this happy for a while, but by the time Paul takes the plump nurse out in the hall to explain why  it’s okay to bend the hospital rules for them, Zayn realizes that it's his eyes.

They're dull instead of shiny.

Zayn decides to blame it on the fact that Niall is still confused, still adjusting. And as much as he’d like to convince himself it'll all be alright ones he explain everything properly, he's also afraid of doing so – he knows Niall probably won't approve of the little deal he's made. But it's not like Zayn can lie.

He delays the explaining until tomorrow evening, when Greg and Niall's parents who flew from Ireland that morning finally leave and the two of them are left alone.

“I never got to say goodbye to any of them, and I couldn't do it now because you said they can't know I'm dead and I-“

“Shhh Ni, you're not dead. And you'll get to say goodbye, I promise,” Zayn assures him, taking Niall’s hand in both of his.

“Tell me what's happening, Zayn,” Niall demands. “I'm going crazy over here.”

“Okay,” Zayn agrees – he did promise himself he’ll tell him everything tonight. But he’s not sure how to start.

“I met this man.”

“And... “

“And he brought you back. But... It’s only for thirty days,” Zayn says and takes a moment to wonder why must there be a but.

“If he brought me back, he's not exactly a man. And I don't really get it...Why did he bring me back? Did you ask him to? And if you did, did he simply listen? Where did you even meet him?”

“In a supermarket actually,” Zayn says, choosing to answer the simplest of Niall’s questions first. “And I didn’t ask him – he offered. But he wanted something in return.”

“What?”

“Well it's not a bad thing for us, I mean, it's what I've wanted anyway.”

“What, Zayn?”

“Me, I guess,”  Zayn responds quietly. “I'll come with you.”

Niall freezes, and even though it seems like he already knows the answer he still asks “Come with me where?”

“Wherever you've been. Wherever you'll go in thirty days.”

Zayn can see Niall swallowing hard while tears gather in his eyes, and it's exactly what he’s been afraid of – that Niall was going to see this as something bad.

“No.” Is all Niall utters, and he's looking at Zayn through his tears, and if Zayn thought his eyes looked empty before it was nothing compared to what they look like now.

“Yes, that's the deal, Niall.”

“No!” Niall repeats with more conviction, and he loses the battle with his tears, which now flow down his pale cheeks. Zayn wipes them away with his thump.

“It's okay Niall, it would’ve happened eventually,” Zayn offers, frightened that Niall both will and won’t understand what he means by eventually.

“Yeah, in like 50 years!” Niall shouts, getting out of his bed now, and racing through the room. “Not in a month! What were you thinking, Zayn? How could you have ever thought that this is what I wanted? I don't even want to be here! And I definitely don't want you to die!”

“What do you mean you don't want to be here?”

“I mean I'm dead!” Niall repeats what he has been saying over and over again for a 

day and a half now. “I don't belong here! What were you thinking?”

“I was thinking that I needed to see you! Be with you! That we could use this month to do all the things we've never had the chance to. That you could say goodbye to your friends and family. That we could spend the eternity together.”

“You're delusional and selfish,” Niall says flatly. “You know nothing about eternity. Nothing about the stuff you got us both into.”

“You don't mean that,” Zayn responds, but refers mostly to the part where he called him selfish – the other ones he can’t really deny. But selfish? He's given his life up to get him back. And yes, his life isn’t really worth that much now as it is, and yes, he's going to make it even harder for the boys and yes, he’s aware of the fact that he has a family that's going to be left crushed when it all ends, but it's Niall.

So it's worth it.

Niall sighs tiredly, like a man who's lived through a hundred years worth of pain and 

suffering, and takes a seat at the edge of his bed.

“What's this guy's name? We can still try and fix it.”

Zayn takes a seat beside him and shakes his head. “He said there's no turning back.”

“Do you know his name?”

“Bune,” Zayn says lamely. “That’s all I know.”

Niall nods and bites on his lip. He puts Zayn’s hand around him, resting his head in the crook of his neck.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles and places a kiss below his collar bone.

“It's okay,” Zayn whispers back because it’s the only response he can give him.

“It’s just that...I don't fit it in here anymore. I can’t explain it.”

“What you're talking about? You fit in perfectly! Right here in my arms.” Zayn snuggles him closer, drowning in his warmth and kissing the top of his head.

Niall doesn’t say anything, he just hums in agreement that seems very much dishonest, so Zayn tries to think of a way to make everything alright. At least for a while.

“Can we have this week?” he asks hopefully. “And resolve anything there's to resolve after that?”

“Okay,” Niall agrees and Zayn smiles in relief. “I mean, Louis is throwing me a second birthday party on Friday.”

-

During the next few days, Niall tries.

Zayn can’t deny that – he can see it in the way Niall forces a smile whenever he looks at him, in the way he agrees to everything Zayn suggests just to try and give him what he wants.

But Zayn still wishes that Niall would actually succeed – that his laugh would sound genuine, his words seem less forced, his kisses feel tenderer and less needy.

He doesn’t say anything though, he’s afraid to start any sort of discussion that would bring out the topic he so desperately wants to avoid.

Louis’ party on Friday is, as ever, bigger and louder than it actually needs to be.  Niall and Zayn arrive a little late, and the place is already crowded. Harry’s and Louis’ living room is turned into a dance floor, with lasers pointing at it from either side of the room.

When Louis notices the two of them, he turns down the music volume and yells “The birthday boy’s here, everybody sing!” and then all of this people erupt into the Happy Birthday song, and Zayn thinks it doesn’t sound right, but he sings along anyway. Niall smiles, but his cheeks don’t turn as rosy as Zayn knows they usually would.

After finishing the song and clapping for a minute straight, at least half of the crowd comes to hug him.  Zayn stands there while Niall’s being embraced by one set of hands after another, until finally the only ones left standing around them are Harry, Louis and Liam.

“Well, you surely ignored all the advice about making this a quiet get together,” Zayn tells Louis, but the blue-eyed boy just claps him on the shoulder and wings because it wasn’t Zayn who gave him the advice.

“Let’s get you guys a drink,” Harry says, and leads them to the kitchen where he takes four beers and a coke can for Liam out of the fridge.

“Greg’s here Ni, your parents, however thought they were too old for this kind of thing,” Louis says after sipping on his beer, and then adds with a quirky kind of smile “I think I have to agree.”

“That’s fine, at least I can get properly wasted,” Niall responds with a grin and Zayn shots him a look that Niall ignores.

“That’s the spirit,” Louis commends, before dragging Harry to the improvised dance floor, holding his bottle high up to not spill it all over the guests.

Niall drinks up his beer and roams around the kitchen for something a little bit stronger and Zayn wonders if he should be worried.

In an hour, he concludes that he most definitely should be.

Niall’s just taken his God knows which shot of Vodka and he’s dancing with whoever his hands grab on. Louis and Harry, who are a little more than tipsy themselves, are laughing and dancing along (and they don’t seem to find it strange when Niall yells “I’ve missed you, you cunts” even though in their mind he hasn’t really gone anywhere).

Zayn and Liam stand next to the kitchen door, both with a worried expression decorating their sober faces.

After Sexy And I Know it starts playing and Niall gladly accepts the bottle someone hands him over, briefly putting it in between his legs while laughing loudly before taking a big swing out if it, Zayn decides he’s had enough, so he takes the bottle out of Niall’s hands.

When Niall complains, Zayn says sternly “You’ve had enough.”

“What’s the harm in having some more? You’re afraid I’m going to die from alcohol poising?” Niall erupts into hysterical giggles after that, and pronounces his next words with incredible difficulty. “News flash, Zayn - I’m already dead.”

“Niall, stop.”

“Kiss me.”

“No, you need-“

“-to kiss me,” Niall finishes the sentence for him, putting his arms around Zayn’s neck. Zayn shakes his head and unties Niall’s arms.

“No? You’re still mad? Ok, how about you sing with me then?” Niall proposes instead. ” Hey, anybody’s got a guitar?” he yells to be heard over the music.

“I got one,” Ed says from the couch, handling him the guitar that’s placed next to him like a faithful companion.

“Of course you do, Ed,” Niall says and pets his red hair affectionately.

“Oh, switching up to live music,” Harry comments, turning off the stereo, and he sits down on the floor, between Louis knees, setting his head on his chest.

Everyone seems to want to indulge the birthday boy, because soon they all gather around the couch, waiting for him to start a song.

“How about we start off with Asleep by the Smiths?” Niall asks, and everybody stares at him like he’s lost his mind.

“Isn’t that a little too depressing?” a  blonde girl Zayn thinks he knows but can’t remember her name asks, and people voice their agreement, together with their own song suggestions.

Zayn figures out that he, too, can play Niall’s game, so he proposes “How about I’ll Follow You Into The Dark?”

“How about a song that isn’t about death?” Louis asks, laughing.

“I’m going to play Asleep,” Niall says, and nobody argues now, because it is his party after all.

The room’s quiet as Niall sings the first few verses, his expression changing, the laughing tone disappearing from his voice.

Sing me to sleep 
Sing me to sleep 
I'm tired and I 
I want to go to bed

Harry and Liam and a few others join along then, but Zayn decidedly doesn't. 

Sing me to sleep 
Sing me to sleep 
And then leave me alone 
Don't try to wake me in the morning 
'Cause I will be gone 
Don't feel bad for me 
I want you to know 
Deep in the cell of my heart 
I will feel so glad to go

Liam is the only one who notices when Zayn gets up and heads for the kitchen. He follows him and hides his surprise when Zayn hugs him tightly as soon as he walks in, sobbing quietly into the hem of his shirt.

“Zayn, what is it?”

Zayn lets him go, but doesn't say anything.

“Is it Niall? He's fine, you know. I mean, yeah, he's been acting a little strange, and he hasn’t really been himself tonight, but I think he's just still in shock from the accident.”

Zayn starts crying again, and Liam’s obviously at lost for what to do, because he bites on his lip and his own eyes start watering. He pulls Zayn in for another hug, and holds him until he can no longer feel Zayn's body quivering.

When Zayn pulls away once again, he only manages to mumble a quick “Thank you" before Ed comes rushing into the kitchen. “Niall's started throwing up, I think you better take him home.”

Zayn just nods, but Liam forces a smile as he asks “Are you speaking out of fear for Niall or your guitar?”

“Both, actually,” Ed laughs.

Niall reluctantly agrees to go home, and Zayn has to pull over twice to stop him from throwing up all over the car.

-

Zayn lays out two aspirins and two glasses of water on his night stand in the morning, and when Niall walks out of the room around 2 pm, gratitude is written all over his face.

“Did I ever tell you what a great boyfriend you are?”

“Yes, but not recently,” Zayn responds, spreading his arms, so that Niall can snuggle into them.

“You lied about that tattoo last night,” Niall says, as his fingers touch over the newest ink on Zayn's right forearm – over his own name written in Hebrew.” You said you got it a week ago.”

“Well I would've gotten a few strange looks if I said I got three weeks from now.”

“You also said it means hope.”

“I didn't want people to think I'm some sentimental prick.”

Niall smiles, and kisses the tattoo on Zayn's arm.” Can we go and get me one tomorrow?”

“What, a tattoo? Are you sure you're not still drunk?”

“Yes! It's just that...that was on my to do before I die list,” Niall says somewhat shyly and Zayn grins happily because Niall doesn't think it's too late to check a thing off of that list.

“You have one of those?”

“Well sort of... in my head.”

Zayn turns him around in his arms and kisses him softly before saying “Sure, we can get you a tattoo. The boys will be happy you finally joined the club.”

-

Zayn's half convinced that by tomorrow Niall's going to get cold feet and give up on the whole tattoo deal, but he doesn't. When Zayn asks him about it, Niall just shrugs and says “I'm not scared anymore, it would be ridiculous if I were.”

Zayn still holds his hand as the tattoo artist inks his name in Hebrew into Niall's right forearm, because that's what boyfriends do.

When Niall told him what he wants to get, Zayn accused him of stealing his idea and turning it into a cliché, but he still smiled because he's a romantic and he always secretly wanted to get matching tattoos with Niall.

“It wasn't too bad,” Niall comments when it's all done. “I've been through worse.”

-

The next two days they spend hanging out with the boys, even recording some songs at the studio - because Niall insists on it. They watch movies, order pizza and lounge around. They even go play laser tag (and when Niall and Harry win, they invent a celebratory dance that includes fist pumping and ass bumping and is, altogether, a very embarrassing thing).

On Tuesday, Niall and Zayn go to the beach, and even though it's freezing cold they lay on the sand for hours, wrapped up in blankets and singing some of their favourite songs.

On Thursday, they fly to Ireland, and Niall's family is surprised but happy to have them.

On Sunday, they fly back, and when Niall wants to say goodbye to everyone in private, Zayn's worried, but he tries to not think about it too much, because he might go insane if he does.

On Monday, they plan a short trip – and they have a tough time deciding between Greece and Italy. They go for Greece, in the end.

On Wednesday, Zayn wakes up alone.

At first he's sure that Niall's in the kitchen, making some tea or something, but when he gets up and checks, he finds it empty. He looks for him in all the other rooms, but he can't find him anywhere.

He tries calling him and when he hears ringing from the bedroom, he starts panicking. He barely manages to take three deep breathes to try and calm himself down, when Niall walks through the front door.

“Where have you been?” he asks, his voice shaky.

Niall takes of his coat, and rubs his palms together to try and warm them up a bit. “I've fixed things.”

“What?”

“I went to find that Bune guy,” Niall says calmly. “You forgot to mention how creepy he was.”

“What?” Zayn spits out again. “What did you do?”

“I've fixed it! It's ok, the deal's off.”

“It can't be off – he said there's no going back.”

Niall bites his lip, and Zayn swears he looks guilty and that freaks him out.

“Well we've made another deal.”

“What kind of deal?” Zayn yells and something tells him that Niall just ruined the good run they had. “Niall! No! Just- Find him again and undo whatever you did!”

“I can't,” Niall says quietly and he sits down on the couch and just like in the hospital, he suddenly looks like a man who's lived through a lifetime of pain.

Zayn hesitates, but takes a sit next to him anyway. “What did you do?”

“I agreed to not die in a car crash, it needs to be a suicide,” Niall explains, and quickly adds “But you're safe, you don't have to come with me!”

“A suicide? What? Why would he want that?” Zayn wonders. He never quiet understood what Bune got from the original deal either, but this one makes even less sense.

“He likes to play games. Likes to mess with things to see how it'll affect everything else. I'm not supposed to kill myself, so when I do, some things will change.”

“No one will believe it,” Zayn answers simply.

“They wouldn't have before, but I think they will now.”

That makes Zayn even angrier, because he knows it's true.

“I'm not going to play along with that! You shouldn't have done anything! I want to come with you, can't you see that, Niall?”

“But I don't want you to. “

Zayn just shakes his head, like he's refusing to believe that all of this is even happening.

It isn't fair, it really isn't.

“If things were the other way around, wouldn't you want me to live and be happy?” Niall asks, and Zayn knew that he would play that card sooner or later.

“Of course, but-“

“But nothing,” Niall cuts him off. “I know this is hard for you to believe, but I love you just as much as you love me.”

“No, you-“

“Yes. I love you Zayn, and that's why you going to live and be happy for me, okay?”

Zayn feels like crying, but he can't. He doesn't think he can ever be happy if Niall's gone, but explaining that to Niall would be like trying to get him to reconsider this deal, and he knows that's next to impossible.

So he holds on to the only thing he has left. “You're still be here for two weeks, right?”

“Yes,” Niall says and pulls him close.

“Your family will be crushed...and the boys. It was hard enough the first time, if they think you've killed yourself...that they could've stopped it somehow... “

“You'll help them through,” Niall says with a heavy voice. “Tell them it's not their fault.”

Zayn wonders if he’s allowed to tell the same thing to himself.

-

The next morning, Zayn wakes up alone again. But this time he finds Niall in the bathroom.

He's lying down on the floor, his skin is pale and his eyes are closed.

Zayn bends down and holds his cold body in his arms, and he keeps holding it for a long time. He holds it for so long that he even runs out of tears, so instead of sobbing he starts whispering.

He whispers I'm sorry's and I love you's until his knees go numb from the weight of Niall's body. He still doesn't let go, but he does reach for the two notes he notices next to an empty pill bottle.

One's written in an unfamiliar handwriting and says:

The other one's words are curved with lines Zayn could recognize even in his sleep.