Archive of Our Own

It starts innocently.

Calum’s hanging out with his friends one night at the beginning of their last year of high school. They’re buzzed, working on getting drunker on a Friday night. Apparently Ashton couldn’t find a party for them to go to, and if Ashton can’t find something then nothing is going down. So they opted, the few of them, to get together with a couple six packs. They’re sitting in Mikey’s backyard, soaking up the warmth of the fleeting summer. Mikey dyed his hair black two hours ago and Greg broke up with his girlfriend last week.

“I don’t know, wasn’t feeling it anymore,” Greg, sat leaning up against the porch steps, shrugs. He takes a sip of the cheap beer they bought with the crumpled fives in their wallets.

“That’s too bad. I liked Chrissy,” Calum says. He had liked Chrissy. But she’s off to college now and Greg doesn’t want to do long distance.

“Yeah, so did I,” Greg stares down at his phone as he speaks, flicking his thumb left then right a few times.

“Hey, what are you doing on your phone?” Mikey nods from where he’s lying out on the grass, watching Greg’s hand.

“Tindr,” Greg holds up the phone for them to see a beautiful girl on the screen, cherry lips pouted and long hair dragging off the screen. He turns the phone back and flicks his thumb to the left.

“On the rebound there Greggy?” Ashton says from the porch steps behind Greg. His voice is already slurred. Ashton starts looking over Greg’s shoulder and eventually flops down onto it.

“What’s tinder?” Calum asks. He’s normally the last to know about these things. He hadn’t gotten a Facebook until high school and he’s only had Twitter for about  a year now. He’s one of the most active when it comes to social media, but he misses the new ones because he’s too busy instagramming a selfie.

“It’s, like, a hook up site,” Mikey says. He’s lying in the grass right near Calum’s left foot, arms outstretched and eyes closed, “You tell it where you live and put up some pictures and it matches you with girls.”

“Really?” Calum says, disbelief in his voice and the beginning of a sneer on his face. There’s no way that’s a real thing.

“Yeah. Here.” Greg pushes Ashton off his back and shuffles his body over to Calum’s side, so Calum can see the phone screen. Another beautiful girl is on the screen, “You just flick the picture to the left if you like her and to the right if you don’t.” Greg drags the picture left and another picture pops up. This girl Greg must not like because he pushes it right.

“How do you talk to them?” Calum asks, watching as Greg continues, going through the girls quickly.

“There’s messaging. I don’t message them though. If a girl wants to talk to me, I let her talk first.”

Ashton laughs a that. “And how many girl have messaged you exactly?”

Greg pinks around his ears and pouts, “Only two, but it’s only been a few days since I got it. And I’ve been picky with the girls,” he says, like it’s an excuse.

“Who showed that to you anyway?” Mikey asks, still in his zen bubble on the grass.

“Matt. Said it would help me get over Chrissy better if I saw what else was out there.”

The dark of the night creeps into Calum’s bone, a chill running up his spine even though he’s been comfortable in only his t shirt. There’s a drop of fear in his stomach that turns into a question. He doesn’t want to say it, afraid the others will think something of it, but he wants to know the answer. “What if, like, they make a mistake and match you with a guy?”

The other boys don’t look at him funny. They don’t point and laugh. They don’t run for pitch forks. They go about as they were, Greg answering Calum’s question, “They don’t. You choose at the beginning who you want to be matched with.”

“Really?” Calum says, awe in his voice. He bites his tongue, he shouldn’t sound that excited about a hook-up site having a gay option.  

“Yeah. I don’t know why they don’t just make it automatic, guys for girls. All the gay people are on grindr,” Mikey says into the night sky. It makes Calum feel alone.

Calum isn’t...he’s not. He’s really not. He’s on the soccer team, he can’t be. He’s slept with a handful of girls and liked it. He doesn’t like fashion or musicals or painting his nails. He can’t be. There’s a pit opening in his stomach because he’s thinking about it. The thing he never thinks about. The thing he can’t think about. That maybe...maybe he might be.

*****

It’s late when Calum gets back that night. Or early, really early in the morning. He walks the distance from Ashton’s house to his own, only stumbling a few times but giggling whenever he does. He left the back door open before he left so he could sneak up the staircase without waking his parents in the front of the house. He carefully locks the door and walks up the stairs on tiptoes with over exaggerated steps like he’s in a Disney movie. He finally reaches the safety of his room and only hits the door frame with his shoulder once before he’s falling into bed.

He has practice the next day at eleven, so he pulls his phone out of his pocket and sets the alarm for ten, hoping he wakes up this time. Last week, his sister had had to knock on his door at 10:50 to smile at him and tell him the time. He really doesn’t want to be late again, the punishment is always sprints.

There’s a funny thing about the time between two in the morning and dawn. The darkness brings a false sense of security that anything done in the night will be washed away by sunlight. That, plus the alcohol in Calum’s blood, gives him the confidence to pull up the App store and search out Tindr.

He misses with a few of the spellings but he’s persistent. On the third spelling he gets it, an orange flame in a white box glowing from his phone. He clicks the 'download app' button and tries not to fall asleep as the wheel spins. A few minutes later, he stares at the question of who he wants to be matched with. After a tense few moments of holding his thumb over the selections, his thumb hits Men.

It’s easy after that, almost fun. He chooses a far reaching distance to get a larger pool of what can’t be that many people. Calum looks at the pictures of the different men, focusing on the first few pictures in turn, asking himself Is he attractive? And that’s easy. He swipes left a few times and is delighted to see a few matches come in back.  As he continues, the question changes to Do I think he’s attractive? and even that’s not too hard. Calum continues swiping left and right. They’re nameless people he stares at for a moment. He doesn’t know any of them, he couldn’t. Calum can count the number of gay single men within 10 miles on one hand, but it’s nice to see how many there are on the site. Maybe Calum isn’t alone. Maybe he’s just too far from where he’d fit in. Or maybe he’s not actually gay. Yeah, he’s probably not gay. Just because he thinks some of these dudes are attractive and wouldn’t mind it if they messaged him, that doesn’t mean he’s gay.

He’s been swiping and checking his matches for about ten minutes when he feels like he’s been punched in the gut. It’s the picture on his screen. At first, it looks like any guy, a really attractive guy, and Calum’s thumb is about to go left when he notices something that makes him stop. It’s a lip ring, a black tiny loop on the left corner of the guys mouth. Calum moves his thumb out of the way and looks up at the picture, really examining it. He sobers right away. The guy’s large hand is pulling through his blonde hair, spiked up into a quiff at the front. He has bright blue eyes staring into the camera and Calum can’t believe this is happening.

It’s Luke Hemmings.

Calum stares for a few more seconds, because it can’t be real. There’s no way that Luke Hemmings, Luke Hemmings, the guy who makes videos of himself singing and gets good grades, the guy Mikey hates, also likes guys. Likes guys. No also, because Calum can’t be gay. And Luke Hemmings can’t be gay. There must be a glitch or some mistake.

Oh shit. Calum quickly exits out of the app and deletes it from his phone. Did Luke Hemmings see his picture too? Is Luke Hemmings going to think that Calum is...but Calum’s not! He’s not! He can’t be. He’s not.

A shiver finds it’s way up Calum’s spine and he can’t seem to shake it. He pulls the blanket up under his chin and tries to snuggle into the mattress. But he’s all alone again and the sleep won’t come.

*****

It’s Monday morning and Calum can’t stop thinking about the mistake he made over the weekend. Luke Hemmings hasn’t contacted him to blackmail him over the past two days and no one else has texted asking why he was looking through dudes on Tindr. So maybe he was lucky, maybe Luke didn’t see Calum’s face and deleting the app erased him. Or maybe Luke didn’t recognize him from the picture since it was an odd photo. Maybe Calum got lucky and he can avoid whatever freak out this kind of thing would warrant.

Calum’s morning is normal. The guys from the soccer team slap him on the back in between classes and ask if he’s ready for the game tonight. He grunts back the normal responses. He and Mikey walk to a few classes together, as they always do, because they were lucky enough to have their schedules line up for the most part. But every time Calum thinks he sees Luke out of the corner of his eyes, he freezes and his mind goes blank. It’s never him, but it doesn’t make the fear crawling through Calum’s chest go away.   

It’s the second to last period of the day and Calum feels like he’s going to be sick. His heart has been racing all day. There’s only ten minutes left of this class and then he’ll skip last. The teacher doesn’t take attendance anyways so he should still be able to play later.

He politely raises his hand to go to the bathroom, hoping that his uninterested voice doesn’t give away the fact that he’s hollow inside. He slings his backpack over his shoulder and walks to the door as the teacher continues to drone on about chemistry. Calum wonders if it’s a chemical that makes people gay, like a hormone running through their system. Maybe then he could go to the doctor, get tested. And if he had it, maybe they could neutralize it.

But he doesn’t have it. Because he’s not.

Calum decides he’ll go sit out by the bleachers, maybe do some homework, while he waits for the school day to end. The hallways are still and empty, the posters in bright colors mock him as he cuts through the corridors to his locker. He needs to grab his soccer kit before he heads out.

He’s stepping up to his locker when he hears the click of footsteps from a side hallway. Calum learned years ago that the best way to avoid being questioned in the halls is to act like you belong there. He starts in on his locker combo, resolutely ignoring whoever is about to turn the corner.

The steps round the corner and stop mid stride. “Oh. Um...hi.”

Calum’s hand pauses on the lock. His body stays absolutely still. Maybe if he pretends he didn’t hear him, he’ll go away. Calum can almost feel the eyes scanning over the profile of his face.

Calum finally relents and turns his head with a soft, “Hey.”

Luke’s standing there. He’s got his books clasped in front of his chest, hugging them to his body. He’s wearing his normal skinny black jeans and band tee. Calum has never payed too much attention to Luke, knows him vaguely as the guy who did something some time somewhere that put him on the top of Mikey’s shit list. But now, after the events of the weekend, Calum can’t help but think he looks...good. Calum quickly throws the thought into his mind’s trash bin and looks Luke in the eyes.

Shit. Shit. Damn. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Luke must know. Luke normally doesn’t pay him any mind, walks past Calum. But now Luke’s eyes look scared, as if he’s a frightened mouse cornered by a cat. Which is funny, because that’s exactly how Calum feels.  

Calum sighs, leaning his forehead against the locker to sort his thoughts. “Look,” He finally settles on, “I’m guessing you don’t want people to know what happened this weekend as much as I don’t. So let’s pretend it never happened. Agreed?” Calum turns to meet Luke’s eyes on the last word, showing Luke he’s serious. This isn’t a joke for him.

Luke stays still, knees together so his body forms a thin straight line from his toes to the top of his spiky quiff. Calum watches as the muscles in Luke’s jaw move slightly before he speaks, “Agreed.”

Calum assumes that’s it and let’s out a soft sigh of relief. Luke, after a split second, realizes their conversation is over and continues walking past Calum. Calum can feel the muscles in his back tighten and the hairs on his neck stand up when Luke walks passed. It’s an odd feeling to Calum, being this near to someone who may be going through the same problem that he is, someone who he can relate too. If Calum was a little braver, maybe he’d stop Luke, ask him what the fuck is going on. Maybe that would help.

The steps turn down the next hall. Calum watches as Luke’s shoe passes around the corner. The steps quiet and the only sound in the hallway is Calum's breathing. 

*****

It’s on Thursday night that Calum gets the text. It’s late and Calum’s both angry and disappointed in himself. He had tried to get himself off in the shower but none of the images of woman he thought up could get him there. It’s becoming a more and more regular problem. The only time he really can anymore is when he’s watching porn and all the moans and skin are mixed together. And it’s with that desperation, that confusion in his heart, that causes him to not dismiss it when Luke texts.

Hi...it’s Luke lights up the screen in Calum’s dark bedroom. Calum should’ve been asleep hours ago but every time he starts to drift off, the embarrassment comes back in waves.

Calum doesn't really think much, doesn't think about the fact that he and Luke have only had about four conversations in the past six years, and replies. Hey, howd you get my number?

Seconds later Calum gets a response. Everyone has your number . It’s true, Calum figures. He’s thrown a few parties and he’s friendly. Between class projects and flirting, he’s probably handed out his number to a majority of his class.

Calum has no idea what to say. He can assume why Luke is texting but doesn’t want to ask him about it. Calum waits to see if Luke will say something out right. Not a minute later, Calum gets another text. Could we talk sometime?

Can they talk? What would that entail? Calum’s not...he’s not. So why does Luke want to talk to him? Luke’s probably not either. Maybe Luke wants to joke about how they both accidentally chose the same night to jokingly change their gender preferences on Tindr. Luke can’t actually want to talk about...about them being...because Calum’s not.

About what? Calum types and sends, figuring ignorance is bliss if he can hold out.

Last weekend Luke replies.

I was doing it for a laugh Calum replies, hoping that Luke will take the out. Then they can both play stupid and no one will ever know.

Oh, nvm, sorry Luke responds.

Calum could leave it that. He should leave it at that. This is what he wants. But that shame in his stomach comes roaring back alongside the lonely feeling. That feeling he’s gotten since he was fourteen and watched his sister’s boyfriend walk around shirtless. The feeling that sits somewhere in his chest and makes it hard to breathe when Ash calls something gay or Mikey tells him about the great hook up he had over the weekend. It’s that feelings that prompts him to respond.

Im free after practice tomorrow, you can come by.

*****

Calum gets out of practice late. One of the captains is academically ineligible to play the rest of the season, so his coach asked Calum to step up. That had involved him staying after and signing a bunch of paperwork as well as coach telling him the expectations for the position. Calum’s itching to get out, he had wanted to shower and mentally prepare himself before Luke came over.

Of course, he can’t. When Calum coasts his bike into his driveway, Luke’s sitting on his front porch steps, legs pressed together and elbows on his knees. His eyes, wide and scared, are following Calum as he parks his bike next to the garage.

“Hey,” Calum calls out as he walks up to his porch, quickly getting out his key and unlocking the door. He doesn’t look directly at Luke but hears him climb the step behind him, stepping on the creaky spot on the second board. Luke follows Calum into the house and Calum pulls the door shut behind them.

Calum needs a beer. He still hasn’t properly looked at Luke yet. He walks through the house, Luke a diligent puppy behind him, until he reaches the kitchen and, most importantly, the fridge. He takes out two cans of beer that he knows his father won’t miss and hands one to Luke.

“Thanks,” Luke says. Calum watches his hand as he pops the top and takes a sip. Calum tries to remember Luke at parties. Is he one of those kids who drinks himself under the table after dancing on top of it? Or is he more the type to sit in the corner and watch with condescending eyes? Or maybe, probably really, Luke avoids parties.

Calum drinks his beer and realizes that he has no idea what he’s doing. He’s letting this guy that he hardly knows into his home to talk about something he never wants to talk about. If he never talks about it, it might go away.

“Come on,” Calum says, still hesitant about making direct eye contact, “we can talk outside.” He leads Luke out the back steps and into his yard. There’s a nook behind the shed in the far right corner of the lawn. Calum and his sister used to hide there when they played hide and seek. Calum heads there, it’s grassy and wide enough to stretch your legs out if you lean up against the shed. The grasses squishes as they cross to the back.

Calum, still smelling like he ran for three hours straight, expects Luke to keep some space between them. Luke, however, sits close to Calum, his outstretched right toe almost hitting Calum’s left, their hips only a few inches apart. Calum takes careful sips of his beer while Luke stares at the grass peeking out between his legs.

After the point where the silence feels like too much, Calum speaks, “I did it as a joke. I was drunk. For a laugh.” It sounds like a lie. Calum can hear the quiver in his words, the uncertainty. Luke can probably see right through him.

Calum glances over at Luke. Luke sets his beer down and pulls his knees into his chest, holding them there with his loose arms. Luke turns to meet Calum’s eye for a second, but drops it, his eyes searching for something that Calum can’t see through the fence.

It’s a solid minute later when Luke speaks, a whisper, “I wasn’t.”

Calum’s insides explode. It’s like he can finally breathe for the first time in years. No matter what’s happening to him, whether it’s real or crazy or a phase, he’s not alone in this little town. It’s happening to Luke too.

Calum nods his head a few times, his grim face unmoving as he tries to process exactly what he’s feeling. Luke seems as ready to talk as Calum is, so they lull back to silence. Luke’s eyes seem to stare at Calum’s left shoe while Calum looks at Luke’s right elbow. They sit in the little piece of truth. Calum takes comfort in it.

“So,” Luke says quietly, voice clogged and heavy, “how’s your season been?”

Calum gapes. Luke wants to talk about soccer? After everything, that’s what they’re going to talk about?

Calum finds his wits and shrugs, “S’ok, we lost on Monday,” Calum cringes, part of their loss had been Calum’s lack of focus. His mind had wandered to Saturday night and the glow of his phone, the way Luke’s lip ring had looked sharper on the screen than it did in person. “But I’m co-captain now.”

Luke’s face turns puzzled, “Why just now?”

Calum turns his body a bit, partly to lean up more comfortably against the shed and partly to put a bit a space between him and Luke. It all feels too intimate for his liking. “Robbie’s flunking math so he can’t play until he gets his grade up. We all know he’s not going to, so coach gave me the spot.”

Luke smiles small at Calum, stretching his legs out and turning as he speaks “That’s cool. You’re the best anyways, you deserve it.”

Calum is definitely not the best. He might be good, but he’s nowhere near the best. Matt’s the best, everyone knows that, that’s why he’s captain. Calum’s a runner up. Calum purses his lips and shakes his head before he speaks, “I’m not the best.”

Luke shrugs his shoulders, “You look like you’re doing the best. At the games, you have so much control over the pitch.”

“That’s because I’m a fullback,” Calum says before Luke’s words hit him. “Wait, you go to games?”  

Luke grins but looks at Calum with disbelief, “Yeah, everyone goes to games.”

But you're not everyone, Calum thinks. Calum’s been so much more aware of Luke for the past week. It’s odd to think that Luke was so far off his radar because Luke’s all over the place now. Calum sees him in between classes, leaving school, at lunch. And now he’s going to see him at all his soccer games. Great.

Calum looks down at his hands. He’s plucking the blades of grass around him, flicking the bits away. “Thanks,” he starts, not knowing how to say what he wants to say. He looks up and Luke’s eyebrows are furrowed and his mouth in a slight frown. Calum coughs once before continuing, “For thinking I was good.” He doesn’t say the best. Luke was only being nice.

“Oh,” Luke sits up a bit more, “you’re welcome.” Luke runs a hand up through his hair. Calum watches as his mouth moves from neutral to frowning then smiling, through the cycle, until it settles with the corners of his mouth quirked. “I’m not surprised about Robbie. I was his partner last year in English and we almost failed our final assignment.”

“Why?” Calum asks, not wanting to go back to silence.

Luke laughs, like the story is too funny to him, “He forgot the paper. I practically wrote the entire thing and emailed it to him to print out and he forgot it. I had to beg the teacher to let me bring it in the next day.”

Calum’s laughing by the end of the story, less because ‘oh yes, that’s so Robbie, ha ha’ and more because he likes the way Luke laughs and wants to join in.

When he’s chuckling, Calum starts in, “This one time in practice, Coach told him to go set up 20 cones for us to run through. Robbie put them right next to each other in a line, no space between them.”

Luke snorts, running his hand through his hair again, “I almost feel bad talking about him because he’s a nice guy, but sometimes he’s...”

“Not all there?” Calum finishes.

Luke’s big blue eyes meet Calum’s, a laugh in his irises instead of nerves. “Something like that.”

An hour later, Calum and Luke are still out behind the shed, trying to tell the best worst-teacher story when Calum hears a car pull into the driveway.

“Shit,” Calum cuts Luke off, “my family is home.”

Calum turns and Luke is still sitting there, now looking a bit nervous, “Are you not allowed to have people over?”

Calum scrunches his face up, “No, they’re fine with it, I just-”

Luke relaxes, “Tell them I came over to work on homework then.”

“Sitting behind the shed?”

Luke jumps up and smiles, “If you hurry we can beat them inside and then you won’t have to explain that part.” Luke starts to jog back to the house and Calum follows after him, shoulders loosening.

“Wait up!” Calum calls, sprinting in front of Luke, initiating a race to the screen door, Luke laughing behind him.

They reach the door and pile into the kitchen right as Calum’s mom sets down four pizzas on the counter, “Hello there.”

“Hey mom,” Calum greets, “This is Luke.”

“I was wondering who the extra bike belonged too,” she smiles at Luke.

“Nice to meet you Mrs.Hood,” Luke says, erring towards shy.

“What were you boys up to?” she asks, taking out plates from the cupboards.

“Homework.”

“Homework?” his mom says, “On a friday?”

Calum turns at his mom’s shock. “I can be studious!” Calum exclaims. She narrows her eyes, not believing him.

“We didn’t actually get much done,” Luke supplies, “got a little distracted.”

Calum’s mom smiles, “A nice day will do that to you. Feel free to stay for dinner, Luke. We’ll have enough leftovers either way.”

“Thanks Mrs.Hood, but I should probably get home,” Luke shuffles his feet, making no progress towards the door.

Calum tilts his head, “You sure?”

Luke looks back up at Calum, eyes wide, “Uh, well...what?”

Calum grins, “You should stay. Hang out awhile.”

“I guess,” Luke sticks his hands in his back pocket, “if you don’t mind.”

“Come on,” Calum hands Luke a plate, “You can pick the movie.”

They grab food and drinks, Luke thanking Calum’s mom, and head towards the living room.

Calum sets his food down and grabs the remote, “Netflix ok?”

Luke is perusing Calum’s video game collection, “Yeah. These yours?”

“Yep,” Calum nods, “We can play after if you want.”

Luke pauses and turns to Calum, suddenly looking uncomfortable with a plate of food in his hand next to Calum’s couch.

“What?” Calum asks.

“I don’t have to stay,” Luke says, “You don’t have to put up with me.”

Calum quirks an eyebrow at Luke, “Luke, if I didn’t want you to hang out, I wouldn’t ask you to hang out.”

Luke’s shoulders drop, “Oh.” Luke looks back at the games, “I will crush you at FIFA.”

“You’re on.”

Luke doesn’t leave until eleven. Calum watches Luke ride his bike down the sidewalk, body lit up from behind by the neighbors lights. Calum tries to puzzle through his feelings, watching Luke leave with a smile and a wave. It doesn’t feel like Calum’s known Luke forever, but it feels like he could. Like this is someone who’s been sitting under his nose for so long and could matter. The knot in Calum’s stomach feels a little bit looser.  

*****

“D’you have practice today?” Mikey asks, standing next to Calum’s locker before lunch on Monday. He’s leaning, laying his body out and smiling at the girls that go by. Calum rolls his eyes at him, but it makes Mikey wink instead.

“No. Coach cancelled it.” Calum says, grabbing his bag and slinging it over his shoulder.

“What is he wearing?” Mikey says with disgust.

Calum turns around to see where Mikey is looking at. Luke is wearing a heavy burgundy sweater. Luke doesn’t look weird, not weird at all in Calum’s opinion. Mikey’s sneer is unnecessary and only there because one day he decided to hate the ground that Luke walked on. But no, now Calum knows Luke. Luke is great. They texted all weekend. Mikey would like Luke.

“Hey, he’s alright.” Calum says, simple and to the point.

Mikey’s eyes widen and his scowl deepens, “Hemmings?”

“Yeah,” Calum says. He looks back over to Luke and calls over, “Luke!”

Luke turns, fear in his eye, shoulders tense. Calum gives him a warm smile, trying to show Luke he comes in peace. Luke still looks wary but smiles back.

“Hey Calum,” Luke says weakly as Calum approaches, followed by Mikey.

“Sit with us?” Calum asks, not really knowing what he’s doing.

“Uhh...” Luke looks over Calum’s shoulder and trails off. Calum figures Mikey’s doing something. Calum turns around and, sure enough, Mikey is watching them, confusion edging the corner of a frown. Calum elbows him in the side.

“Knock it off Mikey,” Calum says and Mikey, eyebrows raised, shrugs and walks into the cafeteria, hands in his pockets.

Luke clears his throat and says, “I don’t think I should.”

“Ok,” Calum shrugs, “I just thought it’d be cool.”

Luke looks around and bites his lip, “Then yeah, I can, ok.”

Calum grins at him and loops an arm around his shoulder, dragging him into the lunch room, “Sweet.” Calum likes the small smile that seems to light up Luke’s face as Calum pulls them towards his table in the corner. Calum drops his hold on Luke with a push to his shoulder, “You have Bennet for math, right?”

Luke waves to someone on the other side of the cafeteria and looks to Calum with a small smile, “Yeah, but we had a sub today.”

Calum doesn’t know who Luke normally sits with. He wonders who Luke ditched to sit with him. Calum puffs with pride, stealing Luke from his friends after knowing each other for only a few days.

“Yes!” Calum grins, “I have math with him last period. What did the sub do?” Mikey walks past them on his way to the food line and Calum pretends to trip him while maintaining eye contact with Luke.

They reach the table and Luke answers him as they sit down, “It was Mrs. Greer so…” Luke smirks while Calum groans.

“What’s up?” Ashton asks as Calum plops down next to him. Calum’s not exactly sure if Ashton is asking ‘why are you groaning like a moron?’ or ‘why is Hemmings sitting at our table?’

“Greer is subbing for Bennet today,” Luke responds, which causes Ashton to groan in a similar manner, “It wasn’t so bad. We had a few problems to do in the textbook so she just made sure we were working-” Luke stops abruptly when Mikey sits down next to him, straddling the bench.

Mikey, realizing he’s the reason Luke stopped, nods at him, a hint of a mock in his words when he says “Don’t stop on my account. I’ve got Bennet with them.”

“Oh,” Luke looks back at the table, “that’s pretty much it. There were about 40 questions and she collects them at the end of the class.”

Calum rests his head against the table, “I hate math.”

Luke laughs at that. Calum grins up at Luke, catching his eyes before prodding him in the side. Luke responds with, “You can’t be any worse at it than you are at FIFA.”

Calum, with fake outrage, jerks up, “I beat you so bad. Almost every game.”

“I was letting you win because it was your house,” Luke turns back to everyone else with a smirk.

Ashton is watching them with a quirked brow and Mikey leans back to make eye contact with Calum over Luke’s shoulder, “When did you guys play FIFA?”

“Friday,” Calum answers.

Mikey looks shocked, like Calum’s answer left so many questions. Mikey sticks with an easy one, “Why?”

Calum shrugs. He doesn’t really have an answer for that that isn’t ‘Luke’s the one thing between me and a breakdown.’

“We ran into each other after school,” Luke says, “Seemed like a good idea.”

Calum feels grateful to Luke for interjecting so he grins over at Mikey, trying to make a joke, and says, “Luke’s my new best friend.”

Mikey’s shoulders fall at that, not the reaction that Calum was expecting. He looks at Luke, who is resolutely staring down at the table. Calum missed something. Mikey humphs and sits fully on the bench.

“Oh hey,” Calum remembers his news that he has for them, “I forgot to tell you guys. Coach made me co-captain.”

Ashton reaches out for a fist bump, “Fuck yes.”

Mikey doesn’t celebrate with them. He turns to Luke and says, “I liked that one cover you did of Drop in the Ocean.”

Calum almost chokes on air but laughs when Luke squeaks out a shocked, “Thank you.”

*****

Calum doesn’t know exactly when it happened, but somehow Mikey and Luke became really good friends.

It’s Thursday after school and Calum is pulling the books he needs for homework  from his locker. The hallway is it’s usual after-school busy, with some people rushing out the doors and others lingering for sports and clubs. Calum catches Mikey’s loud voice down the hallway and heads in that direction after slamming his locker shut.

“It’s not up for discussion. You’re coming.” Mikey is talking to Luke. It still shocks Calum how quickly it all happened. That first day at lunch, Mikey and Luke started talking about music and now they’ve seemed to come to some agreement where they spend all their time together and show each other how to play different songs on their guitars. It’s a smidge ridiculous.

“But I’ve never been before. I won’t know what to do,” Luke shrugs. They’re at Mikey’s locker. Apparently they live near each other too so they walk home together. Calum’s not jealous. Ok, Calum is jealous, but more of Mikey than of Luke. And if Calum is jealous that Mikey is hanging out with Luke...he doesn’t want to go there or think about what that means. So he pretends he’s not jealous at all.  

“Calum,” Mikey says as he stands. Luke turns to see Calum and his face lights up in a smile for a greeting, “Tell Luke he has to come to my party tomorrow night.”

“It’s not up for discussion. You’re coming.” Calum parrots Mikey’s words with a grin.

This time, Luke shrugs, “Okay.”

Mikey looks up at that, “Oh, so you’ll say yes to Calum.”

Heat swims through Calum’s blood stream at the words. He slings an arm around Luke’s shoulders, a gesture that is becoming frequent and is always well received, and turns to Mikey, “He was my friend first before you stole him. He’s proving his loyalty.”

Mikey puts his hand on Calum’s shoulder and says, “Calum, I know you’re jealous of the immediate connection Luke and I had, but you don’t need to lie.”

“Immediate connection?” Calum balks, “You were rude to him for years.”

“Well, obviously I had a crush on him and was playing hard to get,” Mikey pokes Luke’s side. Up until this point, Luke had been watching them fight over him with a small grin and wide eyes. But when Mikey makes his joke, he freezes before making an uncomfortable noise that falls somewhere between wheeze and laugh. Calum, used to these kind of jokes, doesn’t flinch but watching Luke’s reaction hits close to home.

Luke, looking a little uncomfortable, stumbles over his words, “I-uh. I have to get something from my locker. I’ll meet you out front Mikey.”

Mikey gives him a puzzled look, “I’m good here, I’ll come with you.”

Luke shakes his head and starts to back away, “I’ll meet you outside. You can talk to Calum.” With that, Luke is walking away, rather quickly, toward his locker.

Mikey steps away from his locker, closing it, and he and Calum start to walk to the doors. “Wonder what’s up with him,” Mikey asks, confusion on his face.

Calum swallows. He can’t look Mikey in the eyes when he responds, “No idea.”

*****

The party at Mikey’s starts out on a high and doesn’t seem to stop. Mikey’s parents are gone for the weekend and he lives a good distance away from his neighbors so his parties always tend to be outrageous. Calum saw a kid with a few ounces of weed heading out to the back porch earlier. It’s quite the rager.

Calum sticks to alcohol when he parties. He’s never really liked the high he gets from marijuana, the lazy feeling of it. He prefers the stripping of inhibitions that comes with alcohol. Like right now, he’s on the dance floor, behind one of the girls from his science class. Mikey’s jumping next to him, drunk and having a good time.

The music is pumping in the dark room as Megan twists her hips against Calum’s. He’s got his hands gripping her hips loosely, letting her do what she wants. He’s swaying in time behind her, the alcohol sweating out of him. When his head starts to clear, when he starts thinking about the lack of interest he has in actually sleeping with Marcy, he decides it’s time for another drink.

“You want another drink?” Calum leans down to whisper in her ear. She holds up her half filled cup and shakes her head. With that, she moves on to another guy, Matt it seems like, and leaves Calum with a cold front and sigh of relief.

Calum weaves through the people dancing, then through the people standing in the hallway to the kitchen. He says hello to a few of the people that he likes, short slaps to their shoulders or suggestive winks when he sees two of his friends close together. He reaches the kitchen and pours himself a mixture of Coke and rum. 

Calum can’t get out of his head, even with the new drink in his hand. He turns down the hall to go to Mikey’s dad’s office. Mikey had locked it at the beginning of the night to ensure it’s safety. Calum knew where he’d hidden the key.

“Hey!” Calum turns and sees Luke, pink cheeked and giddy, following Calum. For someone who has never partied before, he fits in quite well. Calum has watched as Luke bopped from group to group, getting steadily drunker with each shift. Calum’s heard a sloppy laugh from Luke’s direction more than once tonight.

“Hey flannel buddy,” Calum smiles a relaxed grin at Luke. They hadn’t planned it, but Calum had taken it in stride when Luke had showed up wearing a similar flannel shirt and skinny jeans. Over the course of the night, Luke’s shirt has become unbuttoned midway and his quiff is mussed from fingers running through it. Calum’s face contracts and he quirks an eyebrow at Luke, offering him a sip of his drink, “Did you get lucky?”

Luke’s already pink cheeks fall a shade darker, “Uh, no.” Luke takes Calum’s drink and a long gulp. When he hands the drink back to Calum, he runs his fingers through his hair a few times, trying to fix the damage, “I think Kaitlyn wanted to, but I...” Luke looks at the door behind Calum and shrugs.

Calum remembers seeing Luke and Kaitlyn together. Luke was on the couch and Kaitlyn was sitting on the arm, draping herself over Luke, fiddling with his shirt collar. She’s a beautiful girl, Luke really should’ve gone for it. But then Calum remembers why he’s hiding out instead of out on the dance floor.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Luke mumbles, “What are you doing?”

“Hiding,” Calum reaches up to the top of the panels on the door and grabs the key for the office.

“Mind if I join?” Luke asks.

“No, come on,” Calum pushes the door open and they walk in. Calum hits the light and locks the door behind them.

“Cool,” Luke crashes on the sofa in the corner.

“It’s Mr.Clifford’s office, but he doesn’t really use it. Mikey took it over when he got into gaming,” Calum points at some of the posters on the wall that Mr. Clifford definitely didn’t hang up.

Luke sprawls, taking over the whole couch, so Calum sits on the ground near his head. He takes a sip of his drink and sets it on the coffee table, “Do you like the party?”

Luke nods, “It’s exactly like I’d imagined high school parties.”

“Why have you never come before?”

Luke looks up at the ceiling, “I was never really invited.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I mostly hang out with Harry outside of school, so we’ve gone to a few college parties. Mostly we hang out by ourselves.” Luke rubs the skin on his neck, an unconscious motion Calum’s caught him doing before.

Calum had almost forgotten that Luke was friends with Harry. Harry had always been a cool kid, friends with everyone. It had shocked the school when one day on facebook it listed Harry as in a relationship with a male college student. People had thought it was a joke at first but Harry had made it clear that it was true and he was happy. No one had seen it coming, he had been in a relationship with a girl the year before. Calum had put a distance between himself and Harry, afraid that Harry would see through Calum’s doubts.

“That’s cool, college parties,” Calum tries to lighten the mood and his thoughts.

“Yeah, it’s fun, the girls always take care of us because we’re so young. They’re nice,” Luke’s voice is far away, like he’s somewhere else. He turns on his side to face Calum, “Besides, I think they know I’m not really into them.”

Calum’s eyes widen. Luke is so casual about talking about this. He peppers things into conversations and it always knocks Calum’s breath from his chest. Calum has a hard time even thinking about it, but Luke is comfortable talking about it. Maybe with people other than Calum. He whispers, “Does Harry know?”

Luke shrugs the best he can with the way he’s spread out on the couch, “I think so? I’ve never told him but I’ve asked questions. And whenever we hang out, he always stresses that if I need to talk to him about anything, he’d be there.”

If Luke doesn’t even talk to Harry, why is Luke trusting Calum so much? Calum could turn on him at any moment. They hardly know each other.

“Why not?” Calum asks, “Why don’t you talk to him but you can talk to me?”

Luke tenses at that, “I don’t know," Luke looks down and picks at his finger nails, "I guess because Harry’s already out. I know he’d never pressure me to come out, but he’s always talking about how great it is and I’m not there yet,” Luke sighs, “You’re easier. To talk to.”

“Thanks,” Calum says, playing with the rip in his jeans.

Luke flops back onto the couch, “You don’t mind, right? Me talking about it?”

Calum shakes his head, “No.” Luke watches Calum’s face, a slight frown coloring his lips. A stillness fills the room for just a moment before Luke attempts opening his mouth a few times, looking for words he eventually finds.

“You don’t-,” Luke starts, “Are you- is it just me?”

Calum could lie. Or he could ignore Luke’s question. But he feels like he owes Luke. These last few weeks, knowing Luke was there, have made every day tasks easier. He’s not as lonely, knowing that Luke is a text away when he needs him.

“No,” Calum looks up at Luke, “It’s not just you.”

Luke nods his head once deftly. Calum’s body sags with a hint of relief. He’s slowly chipping away at the stone in his gut and that admission hit a big chunk.

Calum watches Luke. He can clearly see each blonde lash bordering Luke’s bright blue eyes, gazing back. Luke’s face is open. Calum is hit with the same feeling he had when he first saw Luke’s photo on Tindr: longing. Calum is overwhelmed with the desire to kiss him.

Calum’s trying to think up the appropriate way to broach the subject when Luke makes the first move. Without much warning, Luke’s hand reaches out to grip Calum’s shoulders, long fingers pulling Calum’s face closer as Luke leans up on his elbow. Calum takes a quick breath before Luke kisses him.

Calum is in shock. His hands stay in his lap and his lips stay loose, not participating yet but not clamping shut. Luke’s fingers are digging into the back of Calum’s neck and Luke’s only just getting his rhythm when they hear a crash down the hall.

Luke wrenches back, floundering and hitting the couch cushion. Calum meets Luke’s eyes, now full of fear and nerves. Luke’s shoulders tense and climb up, right beneath his ears. Calum wants to reach out and pull Luke back in, remind him that it’s only Calum, when Ashton bangs on the door.

“Calum!” Ashton practically squeals, “You in there? I need you for beer pong!”

“Uhh…” Calum looks between Luke and the door, “Wait a sec. I’ll be there in five.”

“Wait, do you have a girl in there? Are you getting some on Mikey’s couch?” Ashton laughs in disbelief.

Dread fills Calum. Ashton’s words add a crass lense to what happened between he and Luke. Calum scrambles to his feet and pulls the door open, “No, it’s just Luke.”

Ashton laughs, “Good, Mikey would’ve killed you. Come on! I need my buddy! We’re a team!” Ashton grabs Calum’s wrist and pulls him out the door. Ashton calls out, “Bye Luke!”

Calum turns his head to try and catch Luke’s eye as they leave. Luke is still lying on the couch with a blank expression. Calum watches as his hands come up, rubbing his flushed cheeks. Luke doesn’t look up at Calum.

When Calum finishes with beer pong, he searches the house for Luke. He can’t find him.

*****

Are you busy right now ? Calum texts Luke the next day after he’s gotten home from practice and showered.

Calum’s head is a jumbled mess. As he sobered up the night before, he couldn’t stop  thinking about what had happened with Luke at Mikey’s. They’d kissed. That’s crazy to Calum. But mostly his thoughts are stuck on wanting to do it again.

It’s just...Luke didn’t kiss him long enough for it to register in Calum’s mind how he felt about it. Plus, he was too out of it to remember anything clearly. At the very least, Calum wants to talk about this with Luke. Now that he has someone to talk to, he might as well take advantage of it. Even if the thought of talking about it puts a bad taste in his mouth.

No

Come over?

Ok

Calum spins the phone around in his hands as he waits for Luke on the front porch. His family went to visit his grandparents this morning and left before he even went to practice. Calum knows they won’t be back until late and it’s only two in the afternoon.

Calum spots Luke. He’s riding a bike down the middle of the street towards Calum’s house. Luke avoids Calum’s eyes as he pulls into the driveway and tucks his bike up next to Calum’s. Luke sticks his hands in his pocket and keeps his head tilted down as he walks over.

Luke looks nervous. Calum should’ve been expecting this. Luke left the party early for a reason. Does he think Calum would invite him over if he was mad?

Luke looks great today. Luke always looks great. His jeans are tight and he’s wearing a snapback and Calum wants to try kissing him again.

“Hey,” Calum says as Luke approaches.

Luke doesn’t meet his eyes, “Hey.”

Calum frowns slightly before standing and leading Luke into the house. They head back to the kitchen, it seems fitting, and Calum pulls himself onto the countertop. Luke’s a few steps behind him, looking everywhere but at Calum. He leans against the island in the middle of Calum’s kitchen, staring at his shoes.

Calum musters up the little bit of courage he needs to speak quietly, “Luke-”

“I’m sorry,” the words start tumbling out of Luke’s mouth, “I’m really sorry, I...I was drunk and I forgot that just because...that you wouldn’t have wanted me to do that.” Luke is pulling at the skin under his chin and Calum wants to pull his hand away. Luke’s voice shakes more and more as he continues, “I promise, it won’t happen again. And if you don’t want me hanging out with you anymore, I won’t-”

At that, Calum jumps down from the counter. He takes a step forward so that his feet are on either side of Luke’s and Calum’s hands rest on the counter behind Luke, right next to the bones of his hips. Luke stops talking abruptly and takes in a sharp breath. He finally looks at Calum.

Luke’s face is slack with shock. Calum’s only an inch away. If he leaned forward the smallest bit, he could bump their noses together. He does it, trying to put Luke at ease, brushing the tip of his nose against Luke’s. Luke freezes up.

Calum looks down at Luke’s mouth. Luke is biting his lip. It’s weird that Luke’s lips are so close. Calum’s a tall guy and has only really kissed girls at least a few inches shorter, but Luke is taller than him. Luke is leaning against the counter so he’s at Calum’s height, but if they were to do this standing straight, Calum would have to tilt his head up. It’s all a bit thrilling.

“Can I?” Calum breathes against Luke’s lips. Luke swallows and then nods his head twice.

Calum leans forward and covers Luke’s mouth with his lips and he already knows he likes this. He likes this so much.

Luke’s so big, his shoulder caging Calum in between his arms. Luke’s palm is gripping the back of Calum’s head. The girls he’s kissed have been small dainty things, letting him lead and tucking themselves against his chest, compact. But Luke is everywhere, gripping Calum as tightly as Calum is holding him.

After a few minutes, Calum starts to pull away. He keeps his hands digging into Luke’s back but stops their lips.

They’re both breathing ragged, Calum can feel a shiver go down Luke’s back. Luke drops his head. Calum can see a slight blush on his cheeks.

“Damn Hemmings,” Calum chuckles, “I was not expecting that.” Luke looks up, jaw dropped like he’s going to get reprimanded, ready to apologize, but Calum cuts him off, “You’re good at that.”

The shock on Luke’s face morphs to something that makes Calum laugh, a full bodied thing that takes over. He drops Luke’s hips to hold his own stomach. Luke, recovering, joins in, covering his mouth with his wide palm.

“Not bad yourself Hood,” Luke says through a grin.

“Yeah?” Calum backs up and crosses his arms over his chest, “You’re not completely blown away?”

Luke shrugs, “Six out of ten.”

Calum smirks back at him. There’s about a meter of space between them but it feels like less, a tension connecting their bodies, “Sounds like I need more practice.”

Luke lets out a breathy laugh, “Guess I could take one for the team.”

They lock eyes, smiling, Calum’s nerves losing that sharp edge he’s felt for so long. He breaks the eye contact by moving toward the door, “Cool, but right now I’m going to beat you at Mario cart.”

Luke calls after him, “I call Yoshi!”

*****

“Hey,” Luke say as he sits down next to Calum at lunch on Monday. Calum tries to hide the smile that comes to his face but is pretty sure he fails.

“Hi,” Luke and Calum had spent most of Saturday together. As soon as they separated in the kitchen, everything became easier. They had a movie marathon which led to the occasional make out sessions on Calum’s couch. It was nice, not talking about it took the pressure off and they experimented, trying to figure themselves out. When Calum’s family came home, they invited Luke to stay for dinner. It was a nice day.

“Hey Luke, where did you go on Friday night?” Mikey asks from across the table.

Calum notices Luke tense up, “Home. My parents didn’t want me out late.”

Ashton gives Luke a disbelieving look, “You went home that drunk?”

“I was pretty sober by the time I got back,” Luke says. Calum chews his food slowly and tries to think up a way to change the subject.

“Well, you missed out,” Ashton says, “Kaitlyn was looking for you.” Ashton bounces his eyebrows a few times.

“Oh,” Luke says, “I forgot about that.”

“You forgot?” Mikey says, “How? She’s crazy hot. And for some reason she’s into you.”

“I think she just got excited about a new face. She’s probably already forgotten me,” Luke shies away from the topic. Calum bumps his thigh against Luke’s under the table. Luke relaxes.

“Nah,” Ashton says, “It was this morning she asked me about you. We sit next to each other in homeroom and she wanted your number.”

Calum, without thinking, snaps, “Luke’s not interested.”

Mikey hears the obvious possessive undertones and turns on Calum, “Since when are you into Kaitlyn?”

“I’m not,” Calum says without hesitating. The words are out of his mouth before he realizes that the dots are out on the table and all his friends would have to do was connect them.

“I told Calum I wasn’t interested,” Luke says to Mikey, “she and Harry had a thing before Harry started dating Liam.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t really count, does it?” Mikey says, “Bros before hoes only works when both bros are into hoes.”

Everyone at the table pauses and looks at Mikey. Calum asks the question on everyone’s mind, “What?”

Mikey sighs, “If Harry’s gay now, it basically negates all of his relationships with girls. So the bros before hoes rule doesn’t count with him.”

“I don’t think it works like that,” Ashton says while everyone else at their table looks lost in thought. Calum turns to Luke and sees a shocked expression frozen on his face. Ashton picks his line of thought up, “Remember my gay cousin? He used to date this girl and then after he came out he tried to date her brother and they got pissed.”

“That’s different,” Mikey insists, “That’s just gross.”

“Harry’s pansexual,” Luke forces out between the bickering, “Not gay. So none of this matters. I just don’t like Kaitlyn.”

“What’s pansexual?” One of their friends down the table asks. Calum’s looking down at his food. His appetite is gone and he’s keeping tabs on all the conversations happening around him. One guy is incorrectly explaining the term pansexual to his friend. Another three guys are discussing Ashton’s cousins actions. Mikey and Ashton are trying to figure out which girl Luke must have eyes for.

“Come on Luke, who is it?” Mikey asks, “We’ll help you out.”

“We’re excellent wingman,” Ashton insists, “We’ll help you get any girl you want.”

Luke laughs, “Thanks, but I’m doing pretty well myself. The dashing good looks make things pretty easy.”

Calum swallows and Mikey asks, “Then where’s your girl?”

There isn’t one Calum thinks and he can’t take it anymore, “I’m going to the bathroom.” Calum shoots up and heads away from the table.

This is normal. Somedays the things they say get to him, the jokes they make, the stories they tell. He feels that he’ll let everything slip, how he feels, why he feels it.

There are footsteps following him and it’s got to be Luke. Calum turns down a vacant hallway and Luke’s steps follow him. Calum parks against a bay of lockers and sinks to the floor, Luke right behind.

“They don’t realize,” Calum whispers to his knees. There’s no way Luke can’t hear him in the silent hallway, “They don’t think that anything they’re saying is wrong and normally I can handle it because it doesn’t come up often besides ‘no homo’ jokes.”

Calum can see Luke nodding from the corner of his eye, “I don’t hear it much. Harry, obviously, doesn’t make jokes and he’ll call out people who do and explain it. I kind of forgot mild homophobia was a thing.” Luke’s shoulder is pressed along his side.

“Now you see where I’m coming from,” Calum shrugs.

Luke nods. He sits with Calum until Calum feels like he can walk back to where his friends are and talk to them like he isn’t hiding something. Luke’s shoulder and warmth halves the time it takes. Maybe this is all Calum ever really needed, someone to sit next to him.

*****

Calum’s breathing heavy from the ball that almost got past him. There’s only seven minutes left in the game, the last playoff game for sectionals, and they’re up by two. It’d be pretty embarrassing to lose at this point.

“Come on guys!” Calum yells to his team as they set up for a throw in at the other end of the pitch.

Calum has been aware of his friends in the stands the entire match. Ashton has come to a lot of his games this season, but this is only Mikey’s second game. They had dragged Luke along, all of them bundled up in sweatshirts they stole from Calum’s room with his number and name on the back from previous seasons. They’ve been good cheerleaders bouncing up whenever Calum gets the ball and yelling mostly inappropriate things at the other team.

It’s about five minutes until the whistle blows and Calum is watching the ball. The other team is doing a series of short passes midfield and Calum’s trying to dispossess before it gets to close to the goal. He can hear Mikey, who’s probably drunk, singing a made up song about Calum in the stands. He smiles slightly to himself, when he hears Ashton join in for a chorus. And that’s when shit hits the fan.

Calum darts to grab the ball from the middle of a long pass but an opponent comes from his other side, a similar goal in mind. Calum gets there first but the other guy wasn’t expecting him to and over balances, knocking Calum and himself to the ground.

The other player is still on top of him, a heavy weight that is pressing his knee into a funny angle. When the player picks himself up, a funny feeling starts right behind his kneecap.

Calum looks up to the stands when Ashton, Mikey and Luke start cheering for him to get up. Luke looks a slightly worried, confusion as he watches Ashton and Mikey scream support. Luke sees Calum and raises his eyebrows to make sure Calum’s ok.

Calum gives Luke a thumbs up before returning to his feet. As soon as he puts his weight on his right foot, the pain in his knee gets worse. Unbearably worse. He tumbles back to the ground, arms reaching out to catch his fall. The whistle blows and the other players stay where they are while the school medic takes the field.

“What’s the problem Calum?” Jeff is cool. He graduated from their high school a decade ago and came back to be the trainer. He basically goes to all the sports games in a golf buggy and helps the kids who have injuries. It’s not a bad gig.

“Right knee.” Calum says. Jeff bends down and starts poking in a precise, medical way at Calum’s knee cap.

Calum looks back up at the crowd. Luke looks upset. He’s making aggressive hand motions at Mikey and Ashton, pointing to the field. Ashton is shrugging and looks unsure. Mikey is trying to get a good view, standing and looking over everyone to try and figure out what happened to Calum.

Calum waves at him and when he has Mikey’s attention shapes the words “I’m ok,” with his lips. Mikey doesn’t look convinced but he brushes Ashton’s shoulder and points to Calum. Ashton and Luke look out. Calum makes a goofy face at them. Ashton laughs but Luke remains in a slight state of worry with Mikey. They all stare as Jeff carefully bends Calum’s knee.

“I think you sprained it again,” Jeff says, offering an arm to help Calum up.

Calum groans, “Seriously?” This was Calum’s third sprain since he started on the team four years ago.

“Hey, it’s not my fault. You have to ice, elevate, and take more time to rest when it happens. Take two weeks off.”

“But I’m co captain!”

“It’s going to keep happening if you don’t baby it for awhile Calum.” When Jeff and Calum get to the bench, Calum sits down gingerly, trying not to bump his knee. The game has started back up and Jeff is whispering to coach, probably telling him Calum can’t practice next week. Which is shit because if he doesn’t participate in practices, he can’t play and his last sectionals is next week. Calum groans and drops his head into his hands. Of course this would happen his senior year.

Calum looks over his shoulder to the stands. Everyone has started watching the game again, eyes tracking the ball on the field. Luke is watching Calum though, face still full of worry. Calum shoots him a sad smile. Luke frowns back. Calum has a hard time hiding how he feels and now he feels like shit.

*****

There’s a knock on Calum's bedroom door. Calum lifts his eyes from his laptop screen and says, “Come in.”

Luke opens the door and Calum straightens up, hoping he doesn’t look as much of a mess as he feels. He’d stayed home today, his mom taking pity on him and his sprained knee. He’ll have to go back on Monday, but hopefully by then his parents won’t send him a dirty look if they see him walking around without crutches.

Calum had been expecting his mom. His parents were going to see his sister sing at an event tonight. He had definitely not thought it’d be Luke standing there.

Luke looks embarrassed in the doorway, not looking at Calum who’s sitting on his bed shirtless and sprawled out. Luke blinks at Calum’s desk, “Uh, hi. Your mom told me it was ok to come up…” He trails off, eyes flicking to Calum.

“Did they leave?” Calum asks, no attempt to cover himself. He kind of likes the way Luke’s trying not to look at him.

“Yeah, they were in the car when I rode up,” Luke takes a step into the room, backpack slung over his shoulder, “She gave me money for pizza."

Calum wants Luke to come and sit down with him. The last time they kissed was Tuesday night when Calum had gone to Luke’s house after practice and they’d gone up to Luke’s room to do their homework. They’d ended up wrapped up in each other on the floor, breaking apart when they heard footsteps on the stairwell only to realize it was Luke’s dog. It spent them into a spiral of laughter ending with Calum draped against Luke, their bodies spasming next to each other.

“Cool,” Calum says, moving the laptop off his lap and onto the floor. He moves over on the bed, making a clear spot for Luke. Luke notices and takes the steps to sit down next to Calum, leaning up against the headboard, their shoulders barely touching.

“How’s your knee?” Luke asks, staring down at Calum’s knee propped up on a pillow.

“It’s fine,” Calum shrugs, “You brought my homework?”

Luke looks delighted to finally have something concrete to do, “Yeah. It’s not that bad,” Luke pulls his backpack off his shoulder and across his lap. He starts taking out loose pages and post-its with Calum’s name on them, “but here’s what you have to do. It’s only a few problems in the textbook-”

“Luke,” Calum cuts him off. Luke looks over, eyebrow raised. Calum, trying to make his intentions clear, grabs the books and Luke’s bag. He leans over Luke and puts everything on the floor. When he raises himself back up, Calum smiles and breathes out, “Hey.”

“Hi,” Luke says. He reaches up with his right hand, pulling Calum closer so he can hesitantly kiss the bare skin of Calum’s collar.

“My parents won’t be home for a while,” Calum says quickly. Luke nods and Calum continues, “You can stay over tonight. If you want.”

Luke pulls back and meets Calum’s gaze, “Yeah?”

Calum nods, “Yeah. We can order a pizza and hang out.”

Luke looks down at him for a moment, “Your parents will be ok with it?”

Calum laughs at that. A small noise that carries a drop of sadness, “Yeah. They don’t know, so they won’t care. Be like any other friend spending the night.”

Luke seems not to hear the laugh, only the sadness. The corners of his lips droop. Calum grabs the back of Luke’s neck to pull him into a kiss, hoping it will smooth the lines.

“Ok,” Luke breathes out before going back in.

Luke spends the night. They order too much pizza and stay up watching poorly done horror movies on the laptop in Calum’s bed.

“That’s so gross,” Luke squeaks but it sounds more delighted than actual disgust. This is their third movie. Calum’s mom had peeked in to say good night at one point and she smiled at them. Calum is both relieved and mellowed that she didn’t give the eyebrow quirk that she does whenever he has a girl in his room.

“Shut up, you’ll wake up my sister,” Calum whispers.

“I don’t think I can watch another one after this,” Luke says, fake gagging when a girl gets cut in half on the grainy laptop screen.

Calum laughs, “What, are you going to have nightmares?”

Luke turns to Calum, “Yep, I’m going to wake you up all night screaming.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll check under the bed before we go to sleep,” Calum says and Luke cracks a smile, an interesting juxtaposition to the screams coming from the earbuds they have stuck in their ears. They’re sharing a set, each with the outer earbud so their arms are pressed together, comforting.

“Seriously though, I think I’m done after this,” Luke says, “I’m going to pass out.”

Luke’s eyes are blinking heavy where his head rests against Calum’s shoulder so Calum turns off the movie.

“Calum?” Luke’s voice is soft when Calum turns out the lights.

“Yeah?”

“It really sucks that you can’t play soccer for awhile. It’s shit luck,” Luke mumbles.

Calum doesn’t say anything. He squeezes Luke’s shoulder as he hops out of bed to use the bathroom and hopes that the gesture shows his thanks.

They fall asleep during that weird space between night and morning, when the world is so quiet you want to shake it up. Luke and Calum’s version of rebellion involves Luke fussing over Calum’s knee to make sure he won’t bump it during the night and Calum wrapping his arms around Luke’s middle when they fall asleep. Calum doesn’t feel so lonely anymore.

*****

“Hurry up,” Luke’s holding the door to Calum’s favorite chinese take-out place, impatient roll of his eye as Calum saunters to the door.

“Don’t rush your elders,” Calum slows down a fraction, “I demand some respect.”

“I will eat all of the egg rolls. Do not tempt me,” Luke grins. Calum reaches the door and bumps Luke’s shoulder, playful force behind it.

“Ok, come on,” Calum leads the way to the counter. They had called in their order earlier, enough food to last them through their Will Smith movie marathon. They’re told it will be a few more minutes until their food is ready so they grab a few stools.

“One band, rest of your life, who would it be?” Calum asks, picking up their conversation from the car.

Luke groans, “No.”

“Yes,” Calum nudges Luke’s knee with his own, “I told you mine.”

Luke looks in pain for a moment before spitting out, “Good Charlotte. Only because they were my first favorite.”

“Cool,” Calum grins, “What about-”

“Calum?” It’s Mikey, from over near the counter with his mom, “Hey Luke, what’s up?”

“Hey bro,” Calum says, “Just getting dinner.” Calum looks from behind Mikey to see his mom, “Hi Mrs. Clifford.”

She waves back as Mikey asks them, “Are you guys going to Madison’s later?”

“No,” Calum says as Luke shakes his head.

“Why not?”

Luke looks at Calum so Calum turns to Mikey, “I’ve got to wake up early tomorrow for a family thing. My mom wants me home early.”

“That sucks,” Mikey looks over his shoulder at his mom, grabbing their food and ready to go, “I’ll see you tomorrow night though, right?”

“Yeah, bye Mikey,” the Cliffords leave with a wave and a see you soon.

Calum sees Luke frown, “What?”

“I didn’t realize you had to leave,” Luke sets his chin down in his hand on the table.

Calum shakes his head, grinning, “I don’t. I just don’t want to go to the party.”

Luke tries to hide his own smile, “Oh.”

“Don’t look so smug,” Calum tries to keep his face serious.

Luke sits up, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Calum leans forward, drops his voice, “I’m talking about how smug you are that you know I’m going to spend the night with you.”

Luke’s eyes flick over the small restaurant before responding, lips close to Calum’s ear, “Doesn’t sound like me.”

“Order for Hood!” the cashier calls and Calum walks up to the counter, Luke trailing. Calum pulls out his wallet and pays for the food.

Once they’re out the door, Luke asks, “How much do I owe you?”

“Nothing,” Calum smirks, “I’m buying your dinner so you’ll put out later.” The words are out of Calum’s mouth before he can think them over. He turns to see Luke’s reaction. This thing they’ve got going on is still new, finally to the point that Calum would say it's comfortable.

Luke’s eyes go hot around the edges and he pretends to trip Calum with an aloof look. Calum breathes a sigh of relief. He doesn’t really know what they’re doing but it’s flirty and the physical stuff is weird yet good. They’re learning. And having Luke there, knowing there’s no wall he has to put up between them, is reassuring.

“Hey,” Calum unlocks the car, “You should-” Luke leans over the center console and kisses Calum. Calum focuses on not dropping the food and slotting into a more comfortable position.  

Luke pulls away, “What?”

“Huh?” Calum sputters out of his arousal.

Luke laughs, “you were saying something.”

Calum sorts out his thoughts, “Oh, yeah. I was going to ask if you would play something for me later.”

“Sure,” Luke buckles his seatbelt, “I’ve been working on something new. You can tell me what you think.”

“Sweet,” Calum turns up the radio.

After a few minutes driving down the highway, Luke turns it down, “Was that ok?”

Calum quirks an eyebrow at Luke, “Yes?”

Luke relaxes into the seat, “Sorry, I probably should’ve asked before doing that in public.”

Oh. Calum swallows and put his hand on Luke’s thigh, “It was fine. No one saw.”

Luke nods, putting his hand over top of Calum’s, interlacing their fingers. Calum squeezes quick before letting Luke’s hand go and merging off the highway.

*****

Calum doesn’t hate shopping. Calum generally likes shopping for new cleats, band tees, and concert tickets. Food’s a big one too. He likes food shopping.

This, shopping for a birthday present for Mali, he does not like. And not because he doesn’t love his sister. It’s because he loves his sister that he’s one store of perfumes that all smell the same away from stomping out of the mall. How is he supposed to know what his sister likes when he can’t even distinguish between the scents? He made sure to sniff her this morning to get a general idea but all he smelled was flowers. These all smell like flowers.

Calum leaves the store. The clerk had tried helping him, but the amount of sales flirting she was doing made him slightly claustrophobic. He doesn’t know what to do. Earrings? Mali wears earrings. But what if he picks out the wrong style and she hates them? He could get her a gift card, but that feels like admitting defeat.

Calum’s debating which store to try next when he sees Luke. It feels like a divine intervention. Calum had thought to ask Luke to accompany him, but they already had plans to go to dinner later. Calum weaves through the crowds to get to Luke, sitting at Starbucks with a guy.

Calum stops short. Could Luke be on a date? Calum would rather brave every store in here, alone and clueless, than have to see Luke happy on a date with someone else. Someone bumps up against Calum without an apology and Calum realizes that it’s Harry sitting across from Luke.

Luke makes up Calum’s mind for him when he spots Calum and waves him over. A large grin covers Luke’s face and Calum puffs up in pride. It’s become a favorite pastime of his, making Luke smile. They’re nice smiles.

Calum walks over and Luke pulls a chair from another table for him, “Hey Cal.”

“Hey guys,” Calum takes the chair and turns to Harry.

“Hi Calum,” Harry smiles, eyes zeroed in on him, “How’re you?”

“Good, you?”

“Peachy,” Harry drawls in his low voice.

“What are you doing?” Luke asks.

“Getting a birthday present for Mali,” Calum responds.

Luke grins, “Do you know what you’re going to get her?”

Calum whines, “No.” Luke laughs.

Harry smiles and asks, “Do you want help? I don’t mind and I’m sure Luke won’t.”

Calum turns to look at Luke. His neck is stiff and the corners’ of his mouth quirked down, “Yeah, let’s go.”

Calum tries to make eye contact, tries to figure out what’s really up. Luke doesn’t look his way, finishing his coffee in one swig instead. Calum shrugs, “Sure, if you want.”

Harry smirks, “Great, let’s go to Sephora.”

Luke rolls his eyes and Calum can’t read the situation. Luke’s tense in all his joints, his normal excitement lost. Calum’s going to stick around for the ride, see if he can get a present for Mali out of whatever is about to happen.

They walk the short distance to the store. Calum’s never been in before and he has no idea what half the brightly colored tubes are for.

“How about a nice face mask?” Harry asks over his shoulder, looking at a display, “It’s great for the pores.”

“Sure?” Calum has no idea if that’s something Mali would use.

Luke sidles up next to Calum and whispers, “Don’t take him to seriously. He only knows what he’s talking about because he goes shopping with his sister.”

“I know more than you do,” Harry grins, “You’ve only got those hunky brothers.”

Luke slaps a palm over his eyes, “Please stop, it is so weird when you say that.”

Calum, joining in on the joke, says, “It’s even weirder since you look just like them.”

Harry looks up from some shiny purple tubes, scandalized look on his face, “Oh, Luke, I think Calum called you a hunk.”

Calum bursts out into a laugh at that, “Not really my intention.”

Harry shakes his head, “Don’t break his heart. I’m sure it meant so much to him.”

“Harry, stop.”

Calum turns at Luke’s voice. Luke’s still strung tight, a scowl on his face in Harry’s direction. Calum missed something. Harry acts aloof as he looks at the displays, seemingly not paying attention to Luke. Calum wants to slide a hand down Luke’s back, drag some of the tension out of his spine, but it doesn’t feel like the right time or place.

“Come here Calum,” Harry gestures for Calum to look at...sponges? “Do you think your sister would like a loofah?”

Calum reluctantly leaves Luke’s side. The sponges are pretty but Calum doesn’t know. He’s never seen any of this stuff in their bathroom, “I don’t know man.”

Harry puts a hand on Calum’s shoulder, “That’s ok. I can help you get in touch with your feminine side.”

“Harry-” Luke starts.

“Oh stop Luke,” Harry silences him with the wave of his hand and begins to mock, “I’m sure Calum would appreciate the help from the friendly neighborhood queer.”

Calum swallows, looking down at the shelves of palettes. From his periphery he sees Harry’s face morph, “Don’t worry Calum” Harry’s voice sounds more like it’s coming from a place of pain rather than trying to inflict it, “you won’t catch the gay from me.” Harry’s face drops into a challenge that Calum isn’t willing to take.

Luke steps up, pushing his body into the space between them, scowl on his face. There’s no question of what Luke’s doing, protecting Calum, “Harry. Stop.”

Harry’s eyes widen, mouth opening to defend himself. Before he can call out Calum’s past discretions, Calum sets his hand on Luke’s waist and mumbles, “It’s ok.”

Luke snaps his eyes back to Calum and whispers back, “No, it’s not.” His eyes soften when looking at Calum, fierce edge gone to his posture as Calum’s hand grips the muscles of Luke’s back.

Harry watches them, lingering on Calum’s hand on Luke’s side. His eyebrows come together and he says, “I’ve missed something.”

Luke doesn’t respond, instead pulling away from Calum’s hand and not meeting Harry’s eyes.

Harry snaps out of his thoughts and says, with his voice level, “Well, I’m going to go then.” He steps around Luke, bumping Luke’s arm gently with his fist, “You should call me later.” With that, Harry walks out of the store, watching them over his shoulder.

“Sorry about that,” Luke mutters.

“Sorry for interrupting earlier,” Calum offers.

Luke shrugs, “Guess we’re even.”

Calum looks around at the different products, lost, “Want to get out of here?”

The last bit of tension leaves Luke’s shoulders and he smiles, “Yeah, let’s check Macy’s. They’ve got to have something.”

Calum grins, hand brushing against Luke’s as they walk out of the store, “Thanks for helping me.”

“No problem,” Luke’s hand stays in line with his as they walk through the crowds.

*****

Calum is sitting in the library doing homework, waiting for practice to start, when someone slides into the seat across from him. He looks up with a grin, expecting Luke, but it’s Harry sitting across from him.

“Hi,” Calum says, suddenly nervous.

Harry looks at him, watching the movement on his face. There was a time when Calum felt comfortable around Harry. Calum can’t count the times he added Harry’s name to group chats to see if people wanted to do something stupid and fun, or the times in middle school Harry and he would call being each other’s partners for group projects. Calum threw that friendship away when Harry came out. His fear of detection outweighed this friendship. He’s still afraid and Harry is assessing him carefully across the desk.

Harry leans back, “Hello.” There’s an assessing look of disbelief crossed with confusion on his face and his hands are clasped in front of him.

They’re both silent. Calum’s mouth goes dry so he looks back down to his homework. Harry speaks again when Calum’s halfway done with a math problem.

“I’m sorry,” Harry says, “about last weekend.”

Calum swallows. Luke had apologized on Harry’s behalf multiple times. Luke doesn't know that Calum was one of the people who shunned Harry when he came out. Calum shrugged off Luke’s explanations because Calum doesn't deserve them.

“Nothing to be sorry for.”

Harry seems even more puzzled at the remark, “Really? Because Luke has this idea that you’re not homophobic and that you didn’t deserve what I said to you.”

“He’s wrong,” Calum asserts.

“About which part?” Harry asks.

Calum looks back to his homework. The angles make even less sense this way, all formulas he’s learned leaking out.

“You know,” Harry’s voice is soft in the quiet library, no one around to hear them, “homophobia and internalized homophobia are two very different things.”

Calum lets out a wrecked breath, clutching the pencil. He can’t look at Harry, instead presses the heel of his hand to his forehead and breathes through it.

“Shit.” Harry sounds far away, “Shit, Calum, I didn’t- I’m sorry.”

“What?” Calum looks up, feeling weak, “What do you want?”

Harry blinks and Calum sits up straighter, putting on a mask. Harry sighs, “Nothing, just-I’m sorry about what I said.” Harry stands up, small, sad smile toward Calum.

Calum’s heart beat slows. It hits him that Harry won’t out him. Harry’s not an asshole like Calum was to him. Harry’s a nice guy who was once in Calum’s shoes.

“Wait,” Calum calls when Harry’s only a step away. Harry turns, expectant look on his face.

“Yeah?”

“I wasn’t-” Calum grimaces before he continues, “I don’t care that you're with Liam, that’s not why I was a dick to you,” Calum runs a hand through his hair, “I didn’t want you to-”

“I get it,” Harry nods, “It’s not ok, but I get it.”

“You want to hang out Friday?” Calum asks, “Luke and I were going to go see the new James bond movie.”

Surprise lights up Harry's face, a wide grin following in it’s wake, “I could do that.”

Harry walks out of the library with a swing in his step and takes a piece of Calum’s anxiety with him.

*****

“...so then, he said he had to go to the bathroom again and Sarah-”

“Which Sarah?” Greg asks.

“Kellen,” Luke responds before getting back into his story, “she said ‘You might want to get that checked out.’” Everyone around the table bursts into laughter. Luke had barely kept it together as he told the punch line to his story about their math teacher.

Ashton is wiping tears from his eyes and says, “I’ve got a better one. The other day in chemistry…” Calum stops paying attention because Luke bumps his side. Calum turns to meet his eyes.

“Hey,” Calum says, eyes drawn to Luke’s hand, fingers linked and hovering in front of Luke’s face. Calum tends to get distracted by Luke’s hands now that he knows what they feel like all over his body.

“Cal,” Luke says with the hint of a smirk, knowing where Calum’s thoughts are. Calum snaps his attention back to Luke, “Are you free on Saturday night?”

Calum furrows his eyebrows, “Yeah?” He’s spent the majority of his Saturday nights this fall with Luke. He can’t actually remember what he used to do on the weekends without Luke. Sometimes he finds himself asking if Luke remembers something from sophomore year and Luke pretends to get angry at him for messing up his timeline.

Now, Luke smiles, “Do you want to go to a concert? Harry and Liam have extra tickets.” Luke rests his cheek against his fist and watches Calum’s face. The other boys are still comparing stories around them.

Calum takes a moment to think. It’s either a great idea or a bad idea. Spending time with an out couple will either be good for Calum or send him back a few steps.

“Yeah, sounds good. Who is it?” Calum asks.

Before Luke can answer, Greg jumps in, “Ah, are you guys going on a double date?”

Calum is about to tell them to shut up but Luke leans towards him and wraps an arms around Calum’s shoulder, “Yep. Got to take this one out every once in awhile.”

Ashton laughs, “Aren’t you guys the cutest couple?”

Luke squeezes Calum’s upper arm. Calum takes the hint, laughs, “Yeah. Thanks.” He shoots a look toward Luke. Luke pretends he doesn’t see it.

The bell rings a few minutes later and Calum walks with Luke to his locker. It’s busy in the hallways and Calum thinks he’ll be safe to talk to Luke under the veil of noise.

“Why’d you do that?”

Luke furrows his brows, “What?” They reach Luke’s locker and he starts spinning the combination.

“About the date?” Calum says, hushed. He’s leaning in close to Luke, shoulders almost brushing.

Luke’s lips set in a thin line and he shakes his head, “If they think two men going on a date is a joke, might as well use that,” Luke slams his locker shut, “If we make fun of it like they do, they won’t think we’re actually fucking.”

“Luke!” Calum shushes, people passing close by.

Luke freezes but then turns to Calum, “Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

Calum nods his head once, “It’s fine, no one heard. I’ll see you later?”

“After practice?” Luke asks. He leans up against the wall of lockers and the corners of his mouth lift up in a conspiratorial smile, “Your house?”

Calum tries to keep his face neutral, fighting the emotions trying to spill out over his features, “It will be empty around six.”

“See you at six fifteen then,” Luke slides his backpack on to his shoulder. When Calum walks past him, he bumps his shoulder against Luke. Calum walks down the hall towards his next class and doesn’t react when Luke slaps his ass. Just normal guy behavior, nothing to see there.  

*****

“Hi Mrs.Hood,” Calum can hear Luke talking to his mom in the front hall. Calum’s finishing up tying his new converse. His mother better not say anything embarrassing-

“Well don’t you look nice Luke! Come in, Calum’s putting his shoes on.” Calum rests his head in his hands and groans.

“Thanks,” Luke says. Calum hears footsteps turning into the sitting room.

Calum can’t help but gape for a second at Luke. His hair is done up differently and the lip ring is a gold ball stud tonight. He’s wearing a crisp white tank top and a pair of ripped up skinny jeans that Calum last saw on his bedroom floor. Luke looks a little nervous and a lot like Calum’s daydreams. Calum is into it.

“Hey,” Calum says, bouncing up onto his feet and grabbing his wallet next to him.

Luke grins and points his head towards the door, “Ready?”

“Yep. Bye mom.”

“Text me when you get there and before you leave, ok?” She picks at Calum’s shirt sleeve until he responds.

“Will do, bye.” He pulls the door closed behind him as Luke snickers. Calum turns and sees Luke smirking at him, “What’s so funny?”

“You couldn’t get out of there fast enough,” Luke says, sticking his hands in his pockets, a posture practically calling Calum to his side.

Calum steps up to Luke, sneaking a hand down Luke’s back and into his back pocket, “Didn’t want to touch you in front of her.” Calum’s lip quirks up when Luke has to catch his breath at the light squeeze Calum gives his bum.

“Not that I’m not into this,” Luke smirks, “But my friend, who I, technically, have yet to come out to, is sitting in his boyfriend’s car on the curb.” To make his point, Luke nods over his shoulder and Calum sees the car idling out front.

“Oh,” Calum says, drawing back his hand and starting the walk down the front porch steps. Calum can see Harry and Liam talking through the window. Harry’s making gestures toward them and Calum doesn’t know how to explain his action away, so he’ll just ignore it.

“Hey,” Luke nudges Calum’s shoulder, “Relax. There’s no way they don’t know but they’re the last people to out anyone or judge.”

Calum nods, “Does that bother you? Them knowing about you without you telling them?”

Luke shrugs, “It makes it easier, kind of. I don’t have to pretend or anything. Does it bother you?” Calum looks toward the car instead of answering. He doesn’t have an easy answer to that.

They reach the car and Luke throws himself in the backseat, Calum follows right behind, “Hey Harry.”

“Calum! Welcome,” Harry looks back and grins, “I don’t think you’ve formally met Liam. Liam, Calum.”

Liam meets Calum’s eyes in the rearview mirror, “Nice to meet you,” Calum doesn’t need to see his mouth to know it’s stretched in a wide smile.

“You too. Thanks for the invite,” Calum buckles up his seat belt.

“Of course,” Harry says, “It’ll be good to spend some time together, since that’s the only way I can see Mr.Popular,” he motions towards Luke.

“Harry,” Luke punches Harry’s shoulder over the headrest, “shut up.” Calum catches the slight flush on Luke’s cheeks.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Calum teases, “He’s right, at this rate you’re going to be prom king. Maybe they’ll even pick you to speak at graduation.”

That gets a laugh from everyone in the car. Except Luke. Luke quirks his lip at Calum and hits Calum’s shin with his shoe. Calum thinks they’ll have a good time tonight.

*****

“This is epic!” Calum screams at the top of his lungs. There are bodies crashing into him on all sides and the beat drops loud through the crowd. It turned out to be more of a rave than a concert, people decked out in glow sticks and ripped t-shirts. The band is playing, a loud thrash of cymbals and guitar riffs that explode around them.

“Right?!” Luke probably screams but Calum can only see the outline of his mouth bend to form the words. Luke throws both arms in the air and bounces to the beat and Calum can’t help but grin.

A few rows forward, Harry has thrown himself onto Liam’s back in some weird appropriation of a piggy back ride that Liam doesn’t seem to mind. Harry’s looking through the crowd and pauses when he meets Calum’s eye. Harry brightens, throws a thumbs up in Calum’s direction, and then waits before Calum returns the signal before climbing off of Liam’s back.

Harry had known the setlist in advance and the plan is to head out two songs before the end of the set. Calum reaches through the throng towards Luke, still shaking in time with the music. Calum gets a hand on Luke’s arm and pulls Luke close to him.

Luke stumbles and falls into Calum’s chest. It’s eerily familiar, a deja vu Calum can’t place as he loops his arm around Luke’s back and pulls him upright. Calum pushes his lips against the shell of Luke’s ear and says, “Let’s get out of here.” Luke shivers against him.

They dance their way through the crowd to the back exit. Harry has his hands on Liam’s shoulders and Liam is talking animatedly, probably about the musical integrity or the performance choices. Harry looks enthralled. Calum’s holding Luke’s hand. He doesn’t remember when that started but he doesn’t mind it.

“Come on!” Luke shouts, adrenaline sweating off his shoulders and palpable as it hits Calum. Luke pulls Calum through the arena exit, making to race with their friends. Calum giggles, Luke’s energy infectious. They’re heading down a hallway that leads to the front doors and Calum pulls Luke back and pushes him to the wall.

“Wha-” Luke gets out before Calum leans forward and plants one on him. Luke’s stun only lasts a moment before he grips Calum’s waist. Calum’s already pulling away to run again when Luke gets comfortable.

Calum’s giddy. He’s bouncing, running down this hall, hand in hand with a boy he shouldn’t want the way he does, and over the moon. Laughter is bubbling out of him and Luke’s hand feels nice against his hot skin. Good music always makes Calum feel untouchable.

Liam and Harry catch up with them right as they hit the front doors. Liam slows down at the door and pauses, “Anyone need anything before we leave? Snacks? Bathroom?”

Harry smiles and pinches Liam’s cheek, “And that’s why I keep you around. Smart one, aren’t you?” Liam bats Harry’s hand away and Calum feels like he’s invading on a private moment being within five feet of them. Harry turns toward the bathrooms, “I’ll be quick.”

“I’ve got to go to,” Luke calls over his shoulder as he dashes off after Harry, practically crashing into Harry’s back.

“We’ll pull the car up!” Liam calls to their retreating figures and then Calum and Liam walk out into the cool night air. It hits Calum’s skin and he immediately sobers, thoughts shifting back into focus and worries filling in all the creases of his body. He takes a deep breath in the dark and his heart rate calms.

“I think it was that way,” Calum points as Liam heads in the opposite direction.

Liam looks back at the building and the cars before following the trajectory of Calum’s finger, “Good catch.”

“Thanks,” Calum falls into step beside Liam, “So how’d you like it?”

“It was great,” Liam grins and Calum’s never really seen anyone with so little abandon as Liam, “but I love them. Did you like it?”

“Yeah, they had a good rhythm. It rocked,” Calum kicks an empty water bottle to the side. They’re coming up on the spot where Liam’s car is parked and they fall into silence when the car comes into view.

The subtle downbeat still thrums through the air. They reach the car and Liam pulls the driver’s door open, “Feel free to take shotgun.”

Calum does, just to mess with Harry, “Thanks man.”

Liam’s getting comfortable in the driver’s seat. There’s no one else around except the parking lot employees and Calum congratulates them on a decent extraction. They’ll beat all the traffic on the way out and be home at a reasonable time. Maybe Luke will want to spend the night at Calum’s. That’d be a good end to the day, getting Luke’s jeans on his floor again.

“Look,” Liam says, eyes resolute on the steering wheel and hand posed on the car key in the ignition, waiting to turn the car on, “Stop me, if you don’t want to talk about it, but I think you should.”

Calum swallows, crossing his arms over his chest. No point in hiding it. Calum’s been a little reckless with his hands on Luke’s body tonight, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Ok, I can talk,” Liam drops his hand from the ignition and smiles at Calum, “And I’ll be honest, it’s hard at first. Really hard, admitting it to yourself and others, but it does get better.”

Calum snorts, “Now there’s a cliche.”

A sad smile takes up Liam’s face, “I know, but it’s the truth. And it’s worth it. For every time I’m someone’s gay friend, or every time someone makes jokes at my expense, there’s Harry,” Liam scratches the back of his neck, and meets Calum’s eyes, “I get to be with someone I love and know that they have to deal with the same stuff, but it’s worth it. He’s worth it and I’m worth it for him, and isn’t that nice? I know the shit he gets at school and all the friends who abandoned him,” Calum shifts at that, the guilt still hot in his veins, “but for some reason, he still wants to be with me and not hide what we are. Isn’t that great?”

Calum picks at the rip in his jeans and turns away from Liam. It sounds nice, the sureness Liam has that it’s all worth it.

“Did Harry tell you to tell me that?” Calum says, finally ripping through the silence.

“No,” Liam states, “He didn’t want me to say anything. Thought we had to respect your and Luke’s privacy, but I remember being seventeen and confused. Back then I wish someone had said that to me, so I’m saying it now.”

Calum looks up. Liam’s lost his smile, an open expression on his face, giving Calum the chance to say whatever is on his mind.

Calum hesitates, “Can I have your number?”

Liam grins, pulls his phone out of his pocket, and hands it to Calum. He starts the car up, finally, as Calum types the digits into a new contact screen, “Feel free to use it. Sometimes talking to someone who knows is a relief.”

That hits Calum. Liam knows. Liam knows that Calum and Luke aren’t only friends, that there is another edge, and the world isn’t crashing, the sky’s not falling. A burst of confidence pushes words out of his mouth, “I don’t think I’m gay,” Liam turns onto the road in front of the arena, “but I’m definitely not straight.”

“There ya go,” Liam punches Calum’s shoulder, “It feels good, right?”

Calum nods, spotting Luke and Harry laughing on the sidewalk up ahead, “Yeah, it does.”

Liam pulls the car up next to them as other fans start to exit the arena, “Quick lads, get a move on.”

Luke climbs into the backseat so he sits behind Calum and Harry follows. “Step on the gas!” Harry shouts as Liam takes off from the curb.

Harry wraps his arms around the driver’s seat, hands catching around Liam’s chest, “Liam, you’ll never guess what just happened!”

“What happened?” Liam looks in the rearview mirror to meet Harry’s eye.

“Luke came out to me!” Harry says, Luke laughing with a slight flush on his cheeks, “I think this calls for milkshakes.”

“I’ll stop at the next McDonald’s,” Liam says, glancing at Calum.

Calum, still running on a mixture of adrenaline, confidence, and the added good vibes in the car, takes a breath and says, “We might have to get celebration fries too.”

“Why’s that?” Harry asks.

“Because I came out to Liam,” Before Calum even finishes the sentence, Harry’s got his hands up and cheeky grin on his face.

“This is fantastic! Look at us!” Harry continues on about heteronormativity and labels but Calum tunes out when he feels Luke’s fingers wrap around his bicep and squeeze. It feels like a first step and the first step is always the hardest. Smooth sailing from here on out.

Luke’s thumb sweeps along Calum’s bicep.

*****

How close are you? the message is from Luke. Calum glances at it as he pulls onto the right street. His sweater is itchy. He blames Luke for making him buy this one at Goodwill instead of the soft one with the snowy scene on it. Apparently this reindeer fiasco is a better choice for an ugly sweater party.

One of the girls from his science class, Bristol, had invited him. After making sure Mikey and Ashton had also gotten invited, Calum had gone to invite Luke only to find out Luke had been at the top of the list. Apparently Bristol’s sweet on him.

Calum parks in Luke’s driveway and climbs the front steps to the door, pausing to knock before pushing the door open, “Luke?”

“Hey Calum,” Jack calls from the living room. Calum waves back. They’d met for the first time a few days ago when Jack had come home for Christmas, “Luke’s upstairs.”

“Thanks,” Calum yells back as he takes the steps two at a time. He rips open Luke’s door and says, “This sweater is terrible.”

Calum takes stock of his surroundings and notices, much to his delight, Luke is in a towel. He’s doing his hair in the mirror in his closet and he turns back to look at Calum. There are still hickeys along Luke’s hip, peeking out over the top of the towel.

“Ok,” Calum says, shutting the door behind him and reaching to take off the terrible sweater.

“No,” Luke turns and drops his comb on his bed, reaching for a pair of boxers, “Jack will sense it. Again. I’d really like a less naked coming out story.”

Calum flops back on the bed, “Relax, he didn’t hear anything.” Calum watches as Luke dresses in front of him.

“Here,” A giftbag hits Calum square in the chest, a smiling Santa peering down at him. “Merry Christmas,” Luke says as he puts on his ugly sweater.

There’s a post it note at the top that says so you won’t keep eating my stuff  instead of a Christmas card. Calum, intrigued, looks through the tissue paper thrown in at the top. Inside the bag there are piles of Reese’s, Kit Kats, Twix, and everything good in the world.

“Thanks man,” Calum asks, taking out a Reese’s and offering one of the peanut butter cups to Luke.

“My mom thought I should make a card and say something about how sweet you are, but I didn’t want to lie at Christmas,” Luke smirks over his shoulder.

“Very funny,” Calum snickers, “Sorry I don’t have anything for you.”

Calum sees Luke’s shoulders fall slightly, “It’s fine. I really wanted you to stop eating my candy.”

“You really think I’m going to leave this here? With you? Bottomless Pit Hemmings? No way,” Calum says the opposite of what he does, sliding the bag of chocolates under the bed for the next time he’s over.

“Come on, let’s head over,” Luke grabs Calum’s hand and drags him towards the door, letting go when they leave the threshold. A lot of their time together is like that, holding on behind closed doors but falling apart when they leave their little sanctuary.

“I’ll drive,” Calum says.

“You don’t have to, we could probably walk from here,” Luke looks back as they reach the end of the stairs. Luke turns towards the hall that leads to the kitchen, “Mom, we’re headed out!”

“Ok, be safe!” she calls back.

“Hi and bye Mrs. Hemmings,” Calum calls as they leave, closing the door behind him, “I wasn’t planning on drinking anyways.”

“Ok, as long as you don’t mind,” Luke says, headed towards the passenger door. Calum smiles in victory and catches up to Luke to watch him.

“She lives two streets over,” Luke says, opening the door and- moving his Christmas present to the backseat without even looking at it. Calum’s sitting in the driver’s seat and watching in disbelief.

“Luke,” Calum says, getting his attention.

“Hm?” Luke fiddles with the radio. He always does it when they’re in Calum’s dad’s car and Calum always forgets to fix it after.

Calum reaches into the back and grabs the long, cylindrical shape that he carefully wrapped in newspaper because he couldn’t find the christmas paper. He had written Luke across the top in sharpie to make sure this wouldn’t happen, “Merry Christmas.”

Luke’s eyes widen and his face lights up, “Oh.”

“Open it, I know where she lives,” Calum pulls out of the driveway but does his best to watch Luke open the present.

“Why’d you lie?” Luke asks. His fingers slowly rip at the tape holding the newspaper together.

“I didn’t. I didn’t have it with me,” Calum smiles a cheesy smile at Luke, happy with the surprise. Luke punches him in the shoulder.

Luke unfurls the poster. Calum had found it at a secondhand shop when Ashton and he had gone shopping for their moms. It’s an old Green Day poster, from their first tour. Luke’s face lights up when he gets it open. He turns and leans over, dramatically, to smack a wet kiss against Calum’s cheek. “Thanks Cal,” Luke teases as he looks at his poster.

Calum fakes horror to cover up his glee and wipes at his cheek with the sleeve of his rudolph sweater, “Ew.”

Luke laughs, “Ew? Really Calum?”

“Hey, I know where your mouth has been,” Calum can’t keep a straight face and they both laugh as Calum coasts to a stop in a spot outside of Bristol’s house.

It’s a small group, only ten cars out front. Calum suspects that he and the boys were invited because of Luke’s connection to the music department and Ashton’s on again off again thing with one of Bristol’s friends.

Calum and Luke walk up the driveway, bumping at every step, colliding against each other to remind the other of his presence. They step up the stone pathway to the door, steps in sync and sweaters tacky as hell. Calum feels attached.

Luke rings the doorbell and almost immediately Bristol and Rachel open the door, smiles on their face.

“Hey,” Luke startles when they rip the door open.

“We saw you pull up,” Bristol says, “Come on in. We’re all in the basement.”

“Then how’d you see us pull up?” Calum asks, but Bristol and Rachel are already leading the way inside. Luke hears, rolls his eyes at Calum in the least patronizing way Calum’s seen. Calum follows behind Luke and looks at the pictures hanging from the wall. Either Bristol’s an only child or her parents don’t like their other children. The walls are covered in pictures of young Bristol cheerleading, singing, dancing.

Calum leans forward and breathes into Luke’s ear, “I feel like they’re all watching me.”

Luke turns his head to whisper back, “Don’t make any sudden movements.” He exaggerates his steps, body slowed and controlled. His speed keeps Calum pressed close behind him and Calum stifles a laugh in the wool on his forearm.

“You guys coming?” Rachel stands at the top of a staircase leading down, waiting for them. Her eyes fall on Calum and she smiles, blushing and looking away. Calum internally groans. He did not sign up for whatever that means.

They descend the stairs, Rachel telling them who’s there. There’s no more than 15 people down stairs and the split is pretty even boy/girl. People are paired off, Ashton and Bryana in the corner, Mikey and a junior on the couch, a few other smatterings of couples in groups, leaning against each other and showing their preferences. Yeah. Calum definitely didn’t sign up for this.

“Do you want a drink?” Rachel asks, coming between him and Luke.

“No thanks, I drove,” Calum answers, watching over her shoulder as Bristol drags Luke to the couch to sit with Mikey and the junior. He stands straighter when he sees Bristol’s hand in Luke’s. It looks wrong.

“That’s so cool,” Rachel rushes out.

“That I drove?” Calum turns back to her.

“That you won’t drink,” Rachel corrects, “Other people drove and they’re drinking.”

Calum furrows his brow, “Why’d you let them?”

Rachel grabs the hem of her sweater, eyes searching Calum’s face for clues. She coughs and points at his sweater, “I like the reindeer.”

Calum looks down, “Yeah, Luke made me get it.”

“It might be the worst one here,” she smiles and gestures at the mostly tame sweaters everyone is wearing. Her’s looks soft with bright ornaments down the front.

“Hey Rachel,” Luke approaches, “Where’s Harry and Liam?”

“They’re not coming,” she says.

“Yeah, Bristol said. Why? I thought they were.” Luke quirks a brow and sets his lips in a thin line.

“They left for Liam’s hometown this afternoon instead of waiting another day,” Rachel answers.

“Oh,” Luke turns to Calum, “I didn’t get to say good bye.”

“We saw them yesterday,” Calum points out, confused.

“But they were supposed to come tonight. It was going to be my last night with cool people for two weeks,” Luke leans in to Calum, effectively cutting Rachel out of the conversation, “Now I have to hang out with your crap friends until Harry gets back.” He says the last part loud enough for Ashton to hear.

“Hey!” Ashton calls, “Who you calling crap?” Ashton pushes off the wall and stalks toward Luke, fake bravado in his loosely clenched fists, “We going to have to take this outside?”

Ashton wraps an arm around Luke’s shoulder and starts messing up his hair while Luke squawks and tries to pull himself out of the hold. Calum, feeling left out, steps up and wraps his arms around Ashton in a big bear hug.

“I’ll protect you!” he shouts as Ashton gives into the hug.

“Okay, this is nice.” Ashton, not one to ask for contact but a fan of it, relaxes into Calum.

“Run Luke!” Calum shouts as Luke steps away. Right behind him, Mikey is poised to attack and Calum watches the scene unfold.

“A wild Mikey attacks!” Mikey calls before clobbering Luke to the ground, arms wrapped around Luke’s waist and head tucked into his back.

“Mikey,” Luke laughs the nervous chuckle he does when someone tickles him. Calum is intimately familiar with that laugh, “stop.”

Calum, not liking where this is going, extracts himself from Ashton, and pulls Mikey off Luke, “No.”

“Ok,” Bristol steps into the midst of the pile up, Mikey struggling against Calum’s arms, “now that everyone’s here, we’re going to play a game.”

“What are we playing?” Todd asks, stepping over, “Kings?”

Bristol smirks, “I was thinking something a little more cliche.”

Half an hour later, Calum’s leaning against the couch, Rachel pushed up against him, as Claire takes off her scarf and throws it into the small pile in the middle of the circle. Bristol had enforced strip truth or dare rules. You don’t do it, you strip. Claire hadn’t wanted to prank call their teacher.

“It’s Christmas guys,” she pouts, “let him live.”

“Your turn Claire, who’s next?” Bristol regulates.

“Hmm,” Claire looks around the room and her eyes settle, “How about Luke?”

“What?” Luke is three people down from Calum, right after Rachel and Bristol. Luke turns from where he’d been talking with Mikey.

“Truth or Dare Luke?”

Luke pauses, “Dare.” He finishes off his second beer and tosses the bottle toward the trash can in the corner.  

Claire hesitates, “I’m so bad at this.”

“You can do something boring.” Bristol says.

Rachel, as if they had practiced in case this came up, speaks up, “Yeah, just have him kiss someone.”

Calum wants to roll his eyes and snap at them for this obvious ploy, but no one else seems to have the same reaction. They’re laughing and telling Claire to go with it, that it will be funny. Calum does not have the same opinion and has no desire to see Luke kiss someone. Calum should get involved, is about to say another suggestion, when Claire agrees.

“Yeah, ok. Luke, you have to kiss someone in the circle,” Claire sits back with the confirmation.

“For how long?” Luke asks.

“Until we say stop,” Bristol, her voice dropping to a lower register, soothes. Calum can’t help the grimace that takes over his face. He glances at Luke, expecting to see him leaning into Bristol, but he’s watching Calum. When they make eye contact, Luke quirks an eyebrow as if to ask ‘ would you?’

Calum doesn’t think before he gives a slight nod. All that’s going through his mind is that he wants to fuck up Bristol’s plan. In some thin link, Luke is Calum’s and Calum is Luke’s. She doesn’t have any claim over him. Calum does. Calum has Luke’s consent and a history. Calum doesn’t want anyone in the circle to kiss Luke. Just him.

Calum only thinks about Luke and the hesitant smile on his lips. He doesn’t think about how this will make them look, the possible consequences. Something in Calum takes over and the only important thing is making sure no one else touches Luke.

Luke relaxes and crawls the few feet towards Calum, “I’ll kiss Calum.”

“What?” bubbles out of Mikey, “What about me Luke? I’m a loads better kisser than Calum.”

Luke laughs at Mikey’s joke, “Sorry Mikey. Calum’s got nicer lips.” Calum looks over at Mikey and preens while Mikey looks confused.

“Wait,” Bristol says, “you’re really going to kiss Calum?”

Luke shrugs, “Yeah, who else would I choose?”

Bristol takes it like a slap to the face, jaw dropping. Calum meets her eye, smiles, and says, “Say when,” before grabbing Luke’s chin and bringing their mouths together.

There are a few laughs when their lips meet but they stutter off when people realize they aren’t breaking a part. Calum can feel the curve of the smile in Luke’s lip as they keep it light. Calum’s tempted to move his hand from Luke’s chin to the back of his neck, pull him in and start something. It’s been a few days since they’ve been this close. Luke’s hand comes to rest on Calum’s thigh, for balance, and Bristol stops them.

“When! When, when, when,” she yells and they pull apart.

The circle is still around them, Rachel’s eyes wide with her proximity to them. The awkward bubble is burst when Claire giggles.

“That was so hot!” she squeals.

“Yeah,” Bryana, sitting in Ashton’s lap, agrees, “Now I get why guys watch lesbian porn.”

Luke scurries back to his seat, a pleased gleam in his eye. Calum puffs out a laugh.

Claire, less innocent than Calum realized, continues, “Hey Luke, for your turn you should dare Calum to kiss you back!”

The room erupts in laughter, everyone calling Claire foul minded. The only people who don’t laugh are Bristol, stewing in her seat next to Luke, and Calum. Calum leans back and tries to cover the smug grin on his face.

*****

Luke’s not sitting next to Calum.

Luke always sits next to Calum. They squish side by side on Luke’s bed. They lean up against Luke’s desk. They sprawl together on the couch downstairs, together always being the most important part.

Calum had launched himself on the bed earlier expecting Luke’s body to follow him down. Instead Luke opted to sit at his desk, chair tucked in so his back is to Calum. Calum just finished his math homework and Luke’s mom is going to be home in an hour. It’s in everyone’s, but specifically Calum’s, best interest if Luke would come sit with him.

“Lucassss,” Calum drags out, adding a whine into the tone of his voice.

Luke perks up and turns, “Yeah?”

Calum smirks and pats the bed next to him, beckoning Luke to him. Luke rolls his eyes but saves the document on his laptop and stands, walking to Calum. Calum grins, victorious as always.

“Knew you couldn’t resist,” Calum lies back, waiting for Luke to tumble into his arms.

Luke doesn’t. Luke sits on the edge of the mattress, corner of his mouth bitten between his lips. Calum furrows his eyebrows, “What’s up?”

“I-” Luke starts but then they’re eyes meet and he loses his courage.

Calum reaches out and tugs Luke’s hand into his before Luke starts any of his slough of nervous ticks. They sit there for a minute, Calum’s fingers idly sliding along Luke’s.

“So,” Luke finally says, “I was going to ask your opinion on something but I kind of want to know how you feel about something else first.” Calum sits silent and waits for him to continue. Luke runs his free hand through his hair before sitting more firmly next to Calum, hips touching, air calm between them.

Luke takes a breath, “We’re something, aren’t we?”

Calum’s brow crinkles deeper, “Huh?”

That unleashes Luke’s words, “There’s something between us, like exclusive. We spend all our time together and do things that feel like dates and you know my parents. Our friends are friends,” Luke catches his breath and ploughs on, “And I’m not sleeping with anyone besides you and I’d be shocked if you had time to sleep with anyone beside me. So I figured that meant we were something.”

Calum snorts, trying to hide a smile from Luke, as vulnerable as he is. Luke doesn’t miss the sound and catches the upturn to Calum’s lips. Before Luke can think the worst of him, Calum pulls him closer, “Yes, we’re something.”

Luke goes attentive at that, “Something like boyfriends?”

The words give Calum pause. There’s something so final about it. Boyfriends. Calum’s not sure he’s ready for that. Can they even call themselves anything when they’re sneaking around? Liam and Harry are boyfriends, they get to be proud of each other and celebrate what they have with other people. Calum and Luke are the opposite, confiding in each other and using the other’s support to get through the day.

Calum meets Luke’s eyes and nods his head, “Yeah. We could be boyfriends.”

Luke tenses further at that. Calum questions whether he said the right thing or not when Luke speaks. It’s rushed but Calum catches it.

“I want to come out.”

The words hang in the air and it unsettles Calum, a frown coming to his face, “Why?”

Luke shrugs, “I’m ready. Feels like a good time. New Year and all.”

Calum looks up at the ceiling, “Ok.”

“What are you thinking?”

Calum takes a moment more to himself before he pushes up on both elbows to meet Luke’s gaze, “I’m not there yet.”

Luke shrinks, “I figured.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

Luke, finally lays down on the bed next to Calum, putting them on a more equal playing field, “would you break up with me if I wanted to come out?”

Calum pulls back, “What? No. Why would I do that?”

Luke curls a hand into Calum’s shirt, drawing them closer together, “Spending all your time with a gay guy? Alone? People will make assumptions about you.”

Calum sombers, “It’s not like it’s not true.”

Luke sighs, shifting their faces together, “There’s nothing wrong with how we are, with us caring about each other,” Luke punctuates it with a kiss, sliding his hand down Calum’s side, “or liking what we do together.”

Calum pulls Luke’s body tight against his, “It’s not about that.”

“Then what is it about?”

“I don’t know,” Calum concedes, “I just know I’m not ready to be out yet.”

Luke tucks into Calum’s neck, an intimate gesture that’s familiar between the two of them. Calum runs an arm over Luke’s broad shoulders.

“This sucks,” Luke says, “Why does it have to be such a big deal that we like each other?”

Calum doesn’t respond, holds on tight to Luke. He grabs his phone on the night stand and holds it up above them, finding the snapchat app, “Look up.”

“What?” Luke turns his head and sees the phone set on selfie.

“Look like we’re in a relationship,” Calum says before taking the picture. He writes the comment ‘#boyfriends’ and sends it to Harry and Liam. They’ll be back the day after tomorrow from Liam’s house, “Now Liam and Harry know. That’s a start.”

Luke’s smile is sad on his face. Guilt overwhelms Calum. “Hey,” Calum runs a hand down Luke’s back, “I’m happy you want to come out. And I’ll be here for you when you do it.”

Luke’s smile stays sad and Calum’s heart stays heavy.

Calum’s phone buzzes. It’s a snapchat from Harry. He holds it so that he and Luke can both see. It’s a picture of Liam sitting on a couch across from Harry, bright grin on his face and both hands held up with thumbs up. The caption is ‘double date?’ and the mood dims even more with Luke’s heavy sigh.

*****

Luke slams the passenger door shut, “Here?”

“Why not?” Calum walks backward toward the front door to their favorite pizza place. It’s their first real date after talking about their relationship status last week.

“I mean, I was kind of expecting there to be wooing,” Luke grins but follows after Calum into the pizza parlour.

“Please,” Calum scoffs, “You’re so easy for this pizza.”

Luke gives Calum a stern expression, “Hey, this is a first date. Your intentions should be honorable.”

“You should know me better by now,” Calum hip checks Luke and Luke’s answering smile proves that he does, in fact, know Calum better than that.

They order, grab their slices, and head over to their table.

“I take it back,” Luke groans after his first bite, “This was a great idea for a first date.”

“You shouldn’t doubt me Lucas,” Calum kicks his foot under the table.

“Speaking of,” Luke says, wiping his hands off on a napkin, “You’ll never guess what I heard in class today.”

“What?”

“Rachel is going to ask you to prom,” Luke grins at Calum.

“You’re joking,” Calum says before shoving pizza into his face.

“Nope,” Luke’s voice has an edge now, “Apparently you guys had such a great connection at Bristol’s party, and now that we’re back at school she’s planning something super cute.”

Calum pauses, pizza resting on his tongue, before bursting into laughter. Luke fights it at first, but he soon joins the giggle fit.

Calum asks, “What connection?”

“I don’t know, did you look her in the eye when you kissed me?”

“Nah babe,” Calum bumps Luke’s foot under the table, “I was too focused on you.”

Luke leans forward, elbows on the table, a manic joy clear on his face, “We really should have had the boyfriend talk earlier, I had no idea you were this suave.”

“You bring it out in me,” Calum bounces his eyebrows and Luke cackles loud in the small pizza parlour. Calum’s a notorious flirt, always has been. He never needed to flirt with Luke before, but it’s nice now, having these kind of fun conversations with Luke, “Besides, we’ve practically been dating for months.”

“Yeah?” Luke quirks an eyebrow.

Calum shrugs, “I haven't been with anyone else. I haven’t really wanted to be with anyone else.” There’s a small grin on Luke’s face that he tries to hide as he wipes his face. Calum puffs with pride before continuing, “This is the part where you say you also haven’t wanted to be with anyone else.”

Luke blushes, “Wouldn’t you like to know.” Calum rolls his eyes and goes back to his pizza. He resumes eating, thinking Luke’s doing the same, when Luke speaks again.

“No,” Calum looks up and Luke’s staring at the table, “There hasn't been anyone else for,” Luke takes a long breath, “awhile.”

Calum reaches across the table and gently bumps his knuckles against Luke’s before pulling them back.

“Hey,” Luke continues, flush still high on his cheeks, “I know it’s a little early, but want to go to prom together?”

Calum takes another bite to keep from answering. He needs a minute. He knew this would come up. He hates denying Luke this, hates having to say to Luke’s shy smile that no, he doesn’t want to do that.

“I’m sorry,” Calum begins and is cut off by a flurry of motion, Luke’s hands batting the air as he quickly interrupts.

“No, I get it,” Luke says, “You’re not there yet and I’m not even out. Deciding that now isn’t a good idea.”

Calum rests his face in his palm, “Have you decided? When you’re going to tell everyone?” It’s been a conversation topic as of late, Luke wanting to come out but not knowing how.

Luke shrugs, “Before Ben goes back to college? So before next weekend?”

Calum nods, “That’s good.” His throat feels dry, words caked along his voice box.

“I think it will be ok,” Luke agrees.

The conversation, having taken a sad turn, dies down and they finish their pizza quietly. With his last bite Calum kicks Luke’s shoes once more, “We can talk about prom in a few months.”

Luke smiles and nods, “Ok.” The easy joy is gone but Luke still holds Calum’s hand in the car ride back to his house.

*****

“Anyone want more?” Ashton asks, holding a bottle of vodka up and extended.

“Me!” Calum raises his hand towards the bottle, taking a shot out of the spout. He’s getting hazy and he likes it. It’s been awhile since he’s gotten drunk. He normally DD’s for Luke, because a tipsy, giggly Luke Hemmings is one of Calum’s favorite things, but tonight is Luke’s turn to drive.

“So,” Matty continues the story he’d been telling about the prank he pulled on one of their teachers, “Mr. Selig gave me a detention.”

“That’s so gay,” Mikey says.

It’s something about the night. It’s the fact that Luke came out to his parents on Tuesday and called Calum crying out of happiness because his parents still love him and his brothers have sworn to look out for him. It’s the fact that Calum wants to be sitting next to Luke right now but he’s afraid to. It’s the way he’s been policing his actions for years because he doesn’t want anyone to assume the truth. Calum’s wearing one of Luke’s T-shirts when the flood breaks.

“What the fuck Mikey,” Calum says, “Will you stop doing that?”

“What?” Mikey looks genuinely confused.

“Calling stupid things gay!” Calum trucks on, feeling Luke’s eyes on the side of his face, “It’s dumb! Do you know how much that fucks people up? Hearing things no one likes being called gay? It hurts gay people. It makes them feel like they’re a bad thing.”

The room is still around him. Mikey looks shocked, “Calum, what are you trying to say?”

Just as Calum loses all of his breath in panic, Luke takes the bullet for him, “I’m gay.” All the heads in the room snap to Luke. He’s looking down at his feet, picking at his fingertips, “I, uh, told Calum how much it bothers me. So, yeah. I’m gay.” Luke bites his lip. Calum doesn’t deserve him.

“Shit, dude,” Mikey reaches out over the chair and pats Luke on the back, “I’m really sorry man, I’ll stop, I swear.”

“Thanks,” Luke breathes.

Matty, sitting next to Luke on the couch, loops an arm around Luke’s shoulder and gives him a side hug, “It’s cool of you to tell us.”

Calum’s eyes never leave Luke until everyone in the room has responded positively to Luke’s sexuality. Luke’s nerves clear away and the relief he feels clogs the room. Luke looks up and meets Calum’s eyes, offers him a small smile.

An hour later, Luke and Calum leave. They walk out to Luke’ mom’s van and hop in, not saying anything until the doors are shut behind them.

“Oh my god!” Luke exclaims as soon as he’s seated, hands rushing up to bury themselves in his hair.

Calum can’t help but chuckle at the picture Luke makes, “Congratulations.”

Luke turns, “I’m officially out,” Luke throws himself at Calum, burrowing into Calum’s side, “I am a gay man.”

“Could’ve told you that awhile ago,” Calum says into Luke’s hair.

“Shut up,” Luke hangs tight onto Calum’s shoulders, “I’m basking.”

“Come on,” Calum bites the curve of Luke’s neck, “Take me home. We can celebrate.”

Luke pulls back, pushing Calum away and turning on the car. The ease in his shoulders is unfamiliar to Calum, something Calum hasn’t seen before. Luke’s smile is uninhibited and bright and Calum longs for that. He wants the feeling in Luke. It’s a war in his gut, the happiness and pride he feels for Luke and a strong jealousy, wishing he could be brave like Luke.

Luke must sense the battle, reaching out for Calum’s thigh, “It’s ok that you’re not here yet.”

Calum snorts, “Doesn’t feel like it.”

Luke sighs, the glow falling from his features. He turns down the road toward Calum’s house, “I’m not going to lie, this feels really great. And you saw how they reacted Calum, they’d be even more accepting of you.”

“Luke-”

“I don’t get what’s holding you back,” Luke admits, “Your family wouldn’t care, and I think they’d be fine with us. All of our friends would be ok with it-”

“Can we not talk about this?”

“When are we going to talk about it?”

“Not now,” Calum stays strong in his position. Luke looks between him and the road a few times before he pulls over and parks outside someone’s house, “what?”

“Is it me?” Luke asks, voice small, “Are you ashamed of me?”

Calum groans, “No.”

“Then what is it?” Luke prods, “Why won’t you come out? If it’s not your parents, your friends, or me, what is it? Because we can work on that-”

“It’s me Luke, ok?” Calum’s hand comes down hard against the armrest, “It’s fucking me. I’m ashamed of myself.”

The moonlight makes Luke look lovely. It highlights the gentle curves of his body and the sharp angles of his face. His hair is pushed back off his face with gel but hands running through it has made it softer, curling around his eyes. His lips are parted and his eyes wide. Calum swallows. He’s never regretted anything he’s done or said to Luke. Nothing except the last 30 seconds.

“So,” Luke settles on, “you don’t want to be gay.”

Calum runs a hand over his face. He drank too much to have this conversation, “I’m bi.”

A sad laugh comes from Luke’s throat, “I should’ve realized, you hold onto that like a lifeline. Like the fact you're attracted to women is all that matters.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes it is!” Anger is starting to flash on Luke’s face, “If you don’t want to be with me then don’t be with me Calum.”

“Stop, Luke, you know I want that.”

“Yeah, you just wish you didn’t,” Luke makes the jab and Calum can’t think. He lets that end the conversation. It’s not true but it’s not a lie either, somewhere in the realm of honesty that makes it hard to argue with. When Luke realizes he’s not getting another response, he turns back to the wheel and puts the car into drive.

It’s only two blocks to Calum’s house. Calum spends the entire ride looking out the window, watching the trees pass. He’s never really looked at them. He drives on autopilot past these homes and never takes in the beauty around him. Maybe he has a talent for taking things for granted.

Luke parks on the road instead of pulling into the driveway. Calum turns to him, “You can park behind my dad’s car.”

Luke shakes his head, “I’m not staying the night.”

Calum furrows his eyebrow, “Why?”

“Why would I?” Luke’s breathless and Calum wouldn’t be surprised if this is Luke pre-cry. He’s never seen this before. Calum’s seen Luke hurt and ashamed and scared but this. This is heartbroken.

The moment Calum realizes what Luke’s trying to tell him, he starts shaking his head and reaches out, “No, Luke-”

“You just admitted you didn’t...” the weight is back on Luke’ shoulder’s now. He straightens but the weight follows, “Look, you want to be with a woman. Go be with a woman.”

“Can we not do this now? Please?” Calum begs.

“Then when Calum?”

“When I’m not drunk off my ass!” Calum insists, hands lying helpless in his lap.

Luke bites his lip but nods his head, all happiness from earlier gone, “Fine, my parents will be out tomorrow afternoon.”

“Ok,” Calum nods his head, “Are you going to come in?”

“No,” Luke says, hands grip on the wheel, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Calum sighs but gets out of the car. Before he closes the door, he turns back into look at Luke. Luke’s staring down at his fists but Calum speaks anyways, “You were really brave.”

Luke barks out a small “Thanks,” before putting the car in drive. He’s gone as soon as Calum’s door closes.

*****

Calum loops around to Luke’s backyard. They leave the back door open almost constantly and he doesn’t want to wait for Luke to open the front door for him. It feels to formal for the easy flow of their relationship.

“Luke?” Calum calls into the house.

“In here,” Luke’s voice floats in from the living room. Calum follows the noise of the TV and then the silence as it’s turned off.

Luke is sitting in the armchair, wearing sweatpants with his legs tucked under him. It’s the first time that he hasn’t brightened when Calum has entered a room.

“Hey,” Calum greets and sits on the couch next to the chair.

“Hi.” Neither of them really know where to go from there. Calum gets comfortable and waits for Luke to speak to him. Luke has a similar strategy, waiting for Calum to explain himself. Calum caves first.

“It’s only been two weeks,” Calum says, “We can’t break up after two weeks.”

Luke looks nervous, “Do you remember what you said last night?”

“Yeah.”

“Then I think there’s a bigger problem than how long we’ve been dating,” Luke insists, “We can’t be together if you’re ashamed of yourself.”

“Why not?”

“Because then you’re ashamed of me and I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t like that we’re together,” Luke explodes. The anger hides the sadness in his words, but not very well.

Calum sits up, “I’m working on it. I just-”

“You wish you weren’t into men. I get that. I don’t get how you still feel that way after fucking me for months,” Luke’s wilting. “Do you not like it?”

“Of course I do, that’s the problem,” Calum takes it back, “I mean, me seeing it as a problem is the problem.”

Luke’s mouth is set in a thin line, “Yeah, it is.”

“So what are we doing?” Calum asks.

Luke runs a hand through his hair, “I don’t think there’s anything we can do about it, it’s something you have to do on your own.”

The words hang there. On his own. “So, you are breaking up with me.”

Luke nods his head, lips pursed, “For now, yeah. You’ve got to figure yourself out Calum, and I don’t want to hide anymore. I always thought you were afraid to come out, how people would react, I didn’t know-” Luke stops.

Calum’s not angry. He’s dejected and hurt. This was all so fragile to begin with and now it’s broken. Calum grips his knees before he stands. He decides to get out of there before he says something he regrets.

“Calum, wait,” Luke’s standing and walking around the couch to reach him in the hallway. Calum turns and waits. Luke puts his hands in his pockets, stands a few feet away, “I understand if you’d rather date girls and pretend none of this ever happened, but,” Luke bites his lip before his voice quickens, “there’s no one else I want to be with so. Yeah. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

Calum acts on instinct when he leans forward to kiss Luke. Who knows when he’ll be able to again. Luke leans into it, keeping his hands in his pockets while Calum grips his neck, rubbing circles into the soft skin.

*****

Calum rides his bike to Mikey’s. He is spending the night on Mikey’s floor. The plan is for Mikey, Calum, and Ashton to get shit-faced in Mikey’s room and play video games until they pass out from eating too many doritos.  

It’s Valentine’s Day. The whole point of tonight is Ashton. He’s off again with Bryana and he didn’t want to think about it. Mikey had concocted this scheme up to try and cheer Ashton up, a good old boys night like they used to do.

Calum walks into the house, comfortable enough with the Cliffords to do so. He says hi to Mikey’s parents and heads upstairs.

“Look who showed up,” Ashton says when Calum walks in.

“Sorry, family thing,” Calum collapses on Mikey’s bed.

“Dude, are you and Luke fighting?” Mikey asks from the floor. It catches Calum off guard and he hits his shin against the bed frame. Calum hasn’t really talked to Luke in two weeks. They’ve tried to keep up appearances but it must be obvious to all of their friends that they refuse to interact one on one with each other anymore.

“What?” Calum raises up and looks at Mikey.

“He was going to come over and then when I told him you were going to be here, he said he had too much homework,” Mikey is frowning at his phone, “He won’t budge.”

“You guys have been acting weird,” Ashton agrees.

Calum shakes his head. He never thought he’d get to the point where not only were his friends so blind to the sexual tension between he and Luke, but now they think it’s odd that they don’t have it.

That’s the part that’s been messing Calum up lately. They were so obvious, he didn’t realize until they put some distance between them. Now he can’t believe no one picked up on it. How Luke and he acted, it wasn’t friendly. It was something else entirely. Calum misses it. Calum needs a boys night as much as Ashton does.

“It’s nothing,” Calum says, “Can I have a beer?”

Mikey passes him one and then turns to Ashton. Ashton and Mikey share a look between them before Ashton turns back to Calum, “You know there’s nothing wrong with being gay, right?”

Calum almost spits the beer all over the floor. Instead it goes down the wrong hole and he coughs up a lung. Finally, when he can breathe again, he says, “Excuse me?”

“We’re not dumb Calum,” Mikey’s voice is soft, “We know you and Luke haven't been getting along since he came out.”

“Nothing is happening with me and Luke, it’s fine,” Calum tries to argue.

“Cal,” Ashton starts again, “It’s a dick move for you to not be supportive right now. Luke needs a support system in his friends.”

Calum does a double take, “Have you been hanging out with Harry?”

Ashton brightens up, “Yeah!”

Calum takes two large gulps from his drink and then regrets it. Alcohol is what got him into this mess in the first place. Two weeks ago, and all the way back in September when he went on Tindr in the first place. The sad part is that Calum can’t bring himself to regret that first night.

“Look,” Calum turns to his friends, “I have no problem with Luke being gay. He came out to me before he came out to you guys, so it wasn’t him coming out. We just-” Calum doesn’t know how to explain it away, “We’re fine.”

Mikey doesn’t look convinced but drops it, “Here,” he hands Calum a bag of cheetos, “catch up. Ashton and I already ate a bag of tostitos. I’m going downstairs to get the pizza.”

After Mikey leaves, Ashton reaches to grab something. “There’s still salsa left if you want some,” Ashton hands over a half eaten jar of salsa.

“With cheetos?” Calum asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Why not?” Ashton says, lying back on the floor. It shocks Calum. It makes Calum laugh hard, gasping for breath. It feels good.

Mikey brings the pizzas upstairs and they settle in to watch a movie. It’s not bad. They throw popcorn at each other and Ashton laughs so it’s even kind of good. But the entire movie, Ashton holds his phone in his hand, occasionally checking for a message that isn’t there.

“Ash,” Calum ask right before they put in the second film, “why are you and Bryana fighting?”

Ashton shakes his head, “I don’t even know anymore.”

“That’s dumb,” Calum lays back against Mikey’s comforter, “you should call her.”

“It’s not that easy,” Ashton tries, but Calum won’t take it.

“Yeah it is,” Calum argues, looking up at the ceiling,  “you guys have liked each other for forever. Just kiss and makeup. It’s Valentine’s day, you’ve got to at least call her.”

It’s quiet for a moment but then Calum hears Ashton stand up, “I think I will,” Ashton walks to the door, “I’ll be right back.” Calum smiles as the door opens and shuts in the corner.

As soon as the door closes, Mikey jumps onto the bed next to Calum, lying next to him, “Who is it?”

“Hmm?”

“That’s why you’ve been weird the past few weeks!” Mikey slaps Calum’s chest, “Who is she?”

“Who is who?” Calum asks, getting sleepy and yawning around the words.

“The girl you’re seeing,” Mikey says, “Why haven’t you told us?”

Calum stomach sinks, “I’m not seeing anyone.”

“Blink once for no, yes for twice,” Mikey continues, “Is she dating someone else? Is it Bryana?” Calum shoots Mikey a slight, uncomfortable glare, “Dude, you totally just blinked twice.”

“I’m not dating Bryana,” Calum says, “There’s no one.” It comes out sadder than he intends it.

“Oh. Did you break up with someone then? Oh my god,” Mikey sits up so he can look down at Calum, “Is it Luke’s sister?”

“Luke doesn’t have a sister.”

“But it has to do with Luke?” Mikey prods.

Calum covers his eyes with his hands, hiding from Mikey. God, it’s all right there, so plain to see, and Mikey is refusing to see it. A part of Calum wants to say it, tell him, let Mikey in on a huge part of Calum’s life that he’s missed out on. The words come to his lips, pressing against the seem, and Calum might let them loose this time.

“Hey guys,” Ashton pushes into the room, interrupting the calm, “I’m going to go to Bry’s house, ok?”

“Yeah, good for you man,” Mikey holds out a hand that Ashton slaps as he grabs his backpack.

“Thanks, I’ll make it up to you soon,” Ashton reaches over and ruffles Calum’s hair before leaving.

“Well,” Mikey turns back to Calum, “Just us tonight. Were you going to say something?”

Calum’s lost all his confidence. The fear trumps the bravery here. He’s haunted by thoughts of Mikey kicking him out, telling him he wants nothing to do with him. Or other kids in school shunning him like he did to Harry. He can’t risk it. He’s not there yet.

“Nah, you don’t have to worry about me,” Calum bumps Mikey’s side. Mikey grabs his laptop and puts on a new movie and Calum enjoys this while he can. The clocks hits midnight and there’s no text from Luke.

*****

Calum should have known that something was up.

“Come on,” Harry says, dragging Calum with a hand around his shoulder, you’re sitting with me.”

“Ok,” Calum pulls out his phone, “I’ll let Ash and Mikey know where we are.”

Harry hesitates but drags Calum up to where there are four empty seats in the auditorium. It’s already pretty full and not even all the students are in the room yet.

It’s one of Calum’s favorite events of the year, solely because the Senior talent show signifies the coming end of the school year. It’s the middle of March and there are no more than 50 days until freedom. It’s different this year, with people from their class up on stage, but thrilling in the way that it’s all going to be over soon.

Ashton and Mikey find them and grab the two seats on the aisle, settling in for the show. They’re only a few rows back from the front, in the middle section, so they’ll have a great view. The talent show is always funny, half the seniors showing off actual talents and the rest lip syncing or making up dumb moves to top 40s pop songs. By tomorrow, everyone will be making jokes about the show.

“Why didn’t we enter?” Mikey is complaining, “We’re missing out on our shot to make it guys!”

“What would we do?” Harry asks, “Dance?”

“Nah, we should make a band,” Ashton suggests, “It’d be hilarious.”

“Yeah, because we’d be a crap band,” Calum says right as the lights go down. The principal introduces the first act and they buckle in for a crazy ride.

The acts go as expected, the highlights being a jazz band routine and a dance troupe who are actually good. There’s only a few more groups left when the Principal introduces Luke.

Calum’s face heats up. He completely forgot Luke had entered, even though he was the one who encouraged him to do so. The curtain opens and Luke walks out, carrying an acoustic guitar as the sound people set up the mics.

“I’m going to hit the bathroom guys,” Calum starts to get up but Harry presses him back into his chair.

“You can wait until after he performs,” Harry says.

“Yeah,” Mikey agrees, “Supportive, remember?”

Calum sits back, uncomfortable and Harry leans in to whisper in his ear, “He’s been working really hard on this. You need to see it.”

As Luke waits for the mics to be set up, he scans the crowd. When his eyes fall on Calum, Luke swallows and his face sets in determination. He looks away, watching as the junior tech staff have trouble with the mics, but keeps sneaking short glances at Calum. Harry pats Calum’s hand on the arm rest.

Finally, the tech staff clear the stage and Luke sits on the stool behinds the mics. He leans forward into the mic to speak, “Hi guys, this is my cover of Lego House by Ed Sheeran.” Luke fixes his hair and then starts the first chord.

Calum can’t look away. He feels it in his bones, the music seeping in as Luke begins to sing, “ I’m going to pick up the pieces, build a lego house, and if things go wrong we can knock it down .”

At that, Luke stills. His hand stops on the guitar and he pulls back from the mic. His eyes close and he breathes, the sound carrying through the auditorium by the speaker system.

“Shit,” Harry mumbles. Calum’s hands grip the seat rests on either side, fingernails digging in. Luke opens his eyes, sees Calum and starts up again, voice shaken and gaze on Calum, “ My three words have two meaning but one thing’s on my mind, it’s all for you.” Luke turns to sing into the mic, hiding some of the vulnerability.

Calum doesn’t let go of the armrests as Luke sings. Harry’s resting a light palm on Calum’s forearm but all Calum can focus on is Luke broadcasting the struggles of their relationship to the auditorium. It beat against his ears, grating away any mask he had. Calum’s filling up with longings that he hasn’t felt in the weeks since he and Luke ended. He’s missed Luke but this Luke is saying there’s nothing to miss, that he’s right there when Calum wants him. That he loves Calum.

The applause startles the room as soon as Luke’s strummed the final note. He looks at Calum, small smile on his face as he stands to take a bow and that’s the breaking point for Calum. He’s out of his seat, pushing past Mikey and Ashton and walking out of the auditorium. When he hits the hallway, no one in sight, he breaks into a jog.

Calum ends up in a hallway at the other end of the school. Everyone’s at the talent show so he knows no one will hear when he punches the lockers.

“Calum!” Harry is behind him but it doesn’t stop Calum from throwing himself against the lockers, his face pressing against the metal when his right fist slams into it. Harry grabs his wrist, “Calum, stop.”

Calum does. He stands there breathing, trying to slow his heart rate to normal. The self-hatred won’t let it happen.

“I hate this,” Calum slams his left arm into the lockers now, softer though, giving the rest of his anger an outlet. Harry still hugs him, wrapping Calum up so both of his arms are pinned to his sides.

“It’s okay,” Harry mumbles into Calum’s back.

“No it’s not,” Calum spits, “He deserves better.”

“This isn't about Luke, it’s about you,” Harry reassures, “You don’t have to worry about him, he gets it.”

Calum sucks in a deep breath, relaxing into Harry’s hold, “I wish I was like you guys, that I was just ok with it,” Calum swallows, “but I’m not.”

Harry grips him tighter, easing the pain Calum’s feeling, “You’ll get there. I know you will.”

*****

Calum sprawls on his bed when he gets home. He’d left before the talent show ended, stopping by his locker and heading out while everyone listened to Backstreet Boys covers. His phone has been going off in his pocket the entire ride home, calls and texts he doesn’t want to answer. Instead, he tosses his phone towards his laundry basket and pushes his face into his pillow.

He tries not to think about anything. His thoughts stray to Luke’s face while he sang and he pushes it away. It’s a struggle that’s interrupted by footsteps coming up the stairs.

“Calum?” It’s Mikey. He knocks twice before the door opens. Calum stays face planted on his bed.

Mikey doesn’t move when he gets in the room. Calum can’t hear him, but he can picture him, standing in the doorway staring down at Calum. Finally, the sound of the door closing brings Calum to raise his head.

Mikey’s arms are crossed and his mouth set in a straight line, “Were you going to tell me?”

“Go away Mikey,” Calum throws a pillow at his feet.

“So you weren’t,” Mikey continues, “going to tell me that you’re in love with Luke.”

“I’m not in love with him,” Calum says and it’s a partial confession in the heat of the moment. Dread fills his chest and he turns back into the sheets.

Mikey’s quiet but Calum hears him sit down on the ground near Calum’s face, “Then tell me what it is, because you both looked like you were in the middle of a fucking romcom in the auditorium.”

Calum breathes. There’s nothing else he can do right now. The dams are breaking. There are no viable options. He can either shut Mikey out or let Mikey in but either feels like the end of the world.

“Come on Calum,” Mikey says, “Talk to me.”

This is his moment. This is Calum’s chance to be brave.

Calum turns his head to look at Mikey. Mikey doesn’t look disgusted or like he’s going to run away, even though he must have an idea of what Calum’s going to say. Mikey’s face is neutral, hands in his lap.

“We broke up,” Calum says and the air feels different around him.

Mikey stares, taking it in, “When?”

“January.”

“When did you get together?” Mikey asks, shocked.

“September,” Calum reveals.

Mikey wilts, “I’m a fucking idiot,” he runs his hands rough against his face before letting out a dark chuckle, “I’m such a fucking idiot. How did I not notice?”

“We were good at hiding it,” Calum offers but Mikey shakes his head.

“No you weren’t,” Mikey lets out another harsh laugh, “It’s so obvious now. You guys always doing stuff just the two of you, why you both acted weird on Valentine’s Day,” Mikey sits up straight and his hands come up to sit on his head, “you guys fucking kissed in front of us and none of us figured it out!”

“That was the point!” Calum said harsh.

“Why?!” Mikey shouts, flabbergasted, “Why would you hide something like that?”

At that, Calum swings his legs around and sits up on the bed, furious, “What do you mean why? Because I was afraid! And ashamed! And I didn’t know if you guys would like me anymore or if my family would be ok with it-”

Calum is pushed back when Mikey launches onto him, tackling him into a hug on his bed. Calum tries to get away but stops as Mikey’s arms tighten. Mikey covers Calum fully on the bed, caging him in. Calum panics but then Mikey digs his face into Calum’s neck.

“What are you doing?” Calum asks as his heart rate goes down.

“I’m supporting you,” Mikey says, “And I’m trying very very hard not to tell you you're a dumbass for thinking dumbass things when you could murder someone and you would still be my best friend.”

Calum chokes on tears and finally relaxes, reaching around Mikey and hugging him back, “Thanks man.”

“Seriously Calum,” Mikey continues, “No one is going to hate that you're gay. If anyone says anything, I’ll kick their ass.”

“I’m not gay,” Calum clarifies, “I’m bi.”

“I don’t care what you are,” Mikey says, starting to pull back, “Is it cool if I call Ashton?”

Calum hears the question as Are you ready to come out again? and he hesitates before nodding.

“Good,” Mikey pulls out his phone and stands up, “Because I would not have been able to lie to him.” Before Mikey hits call, he gets a second win and hugs Calum again, quick. He pulls back and points at Calum, “We are going to support the fuck out of you. We’re going to be like a jockstrap we’ll be so fucking supportive. I’m going to call him and then you’d better get ready to tell us everything. I want all the grimy details about Hemmo, you better not skimp out on us.” Mikey puts the phone to his ear and tells Ashton to come over but Calum is stuck in a bubble of relief.

*****

Telling Ashton and then relaying the story to his friends starts a tidal wave in Calum. He feels powerful, strengthened by people who he thought would think him weak. With Mikey and Ashton’s support, he tells Mali, and when that goes well he keeps rolling and tells his parents. By the end of the night, there are tear tracks on every face and Ashton and Mikey spend the night on the living room couches.

As he brushes his teeth, Calum pulls his phone and sends out a quick text to Liam, you were right, it does get better .

Liam responds with a smiley face emoticon and a short proud of you . Calum bounces on his feet as he walks, discovering his new weightlessness.

*****

Calum hates civics class. It’s his second class of the day, right after their homeroom, and their grade is based on discussion. It’s the beginning of April of his senior year, he can’t be bothered. He finds himself dozing between the lectures and the debates. Their teacher’s goal is to get them more involved and Calum almost feels bad sometimes because he definitely is not helping her out any.

“So who read the school newspaper this morning?” Mrs. Smalling says. Calum rolls his eyes. She’s the teacher who runs the paper. Calum settles into his thoughts and the class starts discussing the new lunch menu for the month.

Most of his thoughts lately have been about Luke. A part of Calum thought that as soon as he started coming out, Luke would want to get back together. It’s been three weeks since he came out to his family and Calum knows Ash and Mikey talked to Luke about it the next week. Luke’s been friendlier in passing but had said he was busy when Calum asked if they could talk. A part of Calum wonders if maybe Luke has found someone else in the past few months, someone who isn’t afraid to love him. Calum doodles in the margins of his notebooks and tries not to be jealous of someone he doesn’t even know exists.

“...but I was kind of surprised about the GSA,” Calum perks up when Talia finishes her sentence.

Calum whispers to Mikey, sitting next to him, “What is she talking about?”

Mikey shoves a copy of the school newspaper at him and points to the ‘Survey says’ box. There’s three questions and the one Calum focuses in on reads: Do you think our school needs a Gay-Straight Alliance?

“Why were you surprised Talia?” Mrs.Smalling asks.

“It’s 2013. Most schools have GSAs and the fact that more than half the kids polled say we don’t need one is odd,” Talia finishes her thought.

“But we don’t have any gay kids,” Matt says from the front of the room, “Maybe we’d need it if we had gay kids, but there’s only, like, two in the entire school.”

Talia, top of their class, spins on Matt, “But there could be other people who don’t feel like this is a safe environment and are afraid to come out. If we had a GSA, we could make the school a more comfortable place for them.”

“Talia, thank you for your point. I’m going to let someone else speak. Calum?”

Calum is confused why she’s calling on him but then he registers his hand in the air and the words on the tip of his tongue. With a quick glance to Mikey, who looks confused yet encouraging, he says them, “I’m bi.”

A few of the guys from the soccer team start laughing, like Calum told a joke, and a girl in the front shoots a pinched face glare at Calum. Talia looks at Calum and rolls her eyes, “This is what I mean. Making jokes about people’s sexualities isn’t funny,” She looks straight at Calum.

Calum is stunned, Mikey radiating a similar emotion next to him. Mrs.Smalling nods her head once at Talia’s point and asks, “Anyone else have anything to say?”

Calum feels shut down, pushed back two steps for his one forward. Right as he tries to pull himself together, Ashton speaks loud enough for everyone to hear, “Are you kidding me?”

“Ashton?” Mrs.Smalling points, “you have something to say?”

“Yeah, I do,” Ashton sputters and Calum turns to look at the anger painted on Ashton’s face, “He wasn’t making a joke.” Calum feels everyone’s eyes turn back to him. Ashton continues, “The fact that everyone assumed someone coming out was a joke proves that we need a GSA. When Luke and Harry came out, no one had any idea how to act. And now you treat Calum like he’s doing something wrong?” Ashton points the last part towards Talia, “So yeah, we need something because no one should get laughed at for what they are.” Ashton looks at Calum after, his face softening like he’s making sure everything he said was ok.

“Thanks man,” Calum holds out his fist for Ashton to bump.

“Of course dude,” Ashton bumps his fist while Mikey slings an arm around Calums’ shoulders.

“That was awesome,” Mikey whispers. The room is still quiet as Mrs.Smalling tries to steer the conversation somewhere productive but Calum has already checked out, a smile on his face. He’s out and he’s got friends that are willing to stand up for him.

*****

Calum waits patiently all day for Luke to approach him. During lunch pretty much everyone in the school either has an approving back slap or confused glare for him, but Luke never surfaces. Calum thinks back to their last conversation and Luke singing to him. Did he get it wrong? Does Luke not want to be together now that he’s out?

Calum lingers after school, Ashton and Mikey flanking his open locker as Calum gets his backpack together.

“Dude, come on,” Mikey says, watching Calum thumb through his textbooks one more time, “What’s taking you so long?”

“I can’t remember if the math homework was in the textbook or not,” Calum mumbles.

“It was,” Ashton says as he types out a message on his phone.

Calum meticulously extracts his math textbook from the pile and arranges it in with his other books. He scans his peripheral vision for familiar black skinny jeans and pigeon toed feet.

Luke’s not going to come. Calum zips up his backpack and slams the locker door. Some type of acknowledgment would have been nice. He faced his biggest fear and he would have liked Luke by his side for that. Hopefully Luke’s at home and will be there because that’s Calum’s next destination.

“Calum?” Mikey says, turning his attention to focus on Calum. Calum’s shoulders are tense and his frown is deep. Calum watches as Mikey takes it all in, “You ok?”

Ashton perks up at that, looking up from his phone. Calum’s got two sets of eyes on him, people who know him well. No point in hiding his frustrations.

“Have you guys talked to Luke at all today?” Calum sighs, deflating against the wall of lockers.

Ashton and Mikey suddenly look uncomfortable. They share a look but Ashton answers, “Yeah,” Ashton fixes hair as he speaks, quiet, “He asked us if it was true. When we told him what happened, he looked kind of upset and left. I haven’t seen him since.” Ashton shrugs.

Calum frowns, “Oh. Okay. I’m good to go then.” He hides the hurt on his face as he walks through the halls. They’re not too far from the doors when someone calls his name.

“Calum!” Calum turns. It’s Talia jogging to catch up with him, “Hey.”

“Hi?” Calum greets, feeling Mikey and Ashton flank him, surely with protective stances.

“I wanted to apologize for earlier,” Talia rushes out, “I really didn’t mean what I said, I thought you were making a joke. So yeah. I’m sorry and I won’t make that mistake again.”

Calum smiles at her, “Thanks, I get it.”

She perks up at that, “Yeah, and it’s awesome there will be a safe space in the school now.”

“What?”

“You didn’t hear?” she starts walking with them to go outside, “Harry and Luke have been running around all day figuring out what needs to be done to get a GSA here. I just got out of a meeting with them and the principal saying that student government supports the proposal. They even got Mrs. Smalling to say she’d be the advisor after what happened in class today.”

Calum pauses on the steps leading out to the parking lot. Hope slips back in his body. Luke hasn’t been avoiding him, “That’s cool.”

“It’ll be great. I’ll make sure to see you at the first meeting,” she winks and waves, “Bye boys!”

Ashton loops an arm around Calum’s shoulder, “You’re making things happen buddy.”

Calum grabs Ashton back, “It’s all you. You and your passionate speeches.”

“Damn straight I was passionate,” Ashton agrees. He and Mikey branch off from Calum, heading toward the parking lot and their cars, “See you tomorrow!”

“Bye guys,” Calum waves before heading to the bike rack. He feels it now, the weight that’s fallen from his posture like it had from Luke’s. He wants to run for an hour to burn off the energy.

Luke’s bike is wedged into the rack with a few others. Calum grins when he sees it. He walks over to the grass next to the bike rack and lies back, closing his eyes with his head resting on his backpack.

Calum feels good. He feels accomplished. He walked down the halls today and stood his ground. He didn’t hide anything and he didn’t care what people thought about who he was. He’s finally here. The sun feels nice against his skin. It’s been awhile since he noticed the sun.

Quick footsteps approach and before Calum can even look up, Harry is sprawled on top of him, “Woo!”

“I’m dying,” Calum wheezes. Harry pulls his body weight up and hovers, grin splitting his face.

“Happy coming out!” Harry picks a dandelion next to Calum’s head, “This is your present.”

“Thanks,” Calum accepts the flower.

Harry pulls back, standing up and checking for grass stains, “Now, I need to go see my boyfriend and leave you two to do your thing. Have a good night Calum,” Harry smirks and runs toward his car in the lot.

Calum purses his lips, not knowing what Harry meant, and sees Luke. He’s standing next to the bike rack, arms crossed, watching Calum.

“Hey,” Calum gives a slight wave.

“Hi,” Luke nods in response, staying at that distance. They haven’t spoken more than a few words to each other in weeks, mostly smiles and nods in conversation. This feels indulgent.

“I came out today,” Calum breaks the tension when he realizes Luke won’t say anything first but he’s not walking away. Luke’s wearing a blue T-shirt that Calum’s pretty sure was his at some point. Or maybe it was always Luke’s but it had lived in Calum’s closet for a few weeks. Either way, it sticks out, “Is that my shirt?” Calum asks, genuinely curious.

Luke looks down at the faded fabric, eyebrows angled down. He brings his hand up to his stomach to feel the fabric. His face slowly softens and he meets Calum’s eyes, “I honestly don’t know.”

That sets Calum off. He snorts but it turns into a breathy laugh that Luke joins in on. The steady tension that’s been between them these past few months dissolves, eaten away by their laughter. Luke plops down on the grass, his limbs sprawling out within an inch of Calum’s. Calum turns his head to meet Luke’s gaze.

Calum misses Luke. It shocks him, how much he missed this, Luke’s presence. They spent days at a time entwined, a foot away and on the same path. Calum’s couch has a depression where Luke should be. Having these past few months where Luke was there but no longer his were tough on Calum. The upside of it all is that he knows the depth of feeling he carries for Luke.

Calum stretches his fingers out to pull Luke’s palm against his, to test the boundaries. Luke goes easy, intertwining their fingers and inching closer to Calum.

“I always thought you were so cool,” Luke says, looking at Calum’s shoulder, “I’d watch you sometimes, between classes because I thought you were so great. Mikey yelled at me once for it, years ago, said I couldn’t steal you from him,” Luke takes a breath and meets Calum’s eyes, “That’s when it started for me. I realized I didn’t want to be your friend, I wanted something different.” Luke’s face is a shade somewhere between fond and hopeful, “I never thought I’d get it.”

“You’ve got me,” Calum squeezes Luke’s palm, “If you still want me.”

Instead of answering, Luke leans in and steals a quick kiss. There aren’t that many people left in the parking lot so the ambient noise is the light breeze as it tosses the flag against the pole and the cars driving past. Calum leans in to really feel the moment, let it wrap him up.

Luke pulls back, “So, boyfriends?”

Calum answers by rolling on top of Luke, arms on either side of Luke’s face as Luke’s hands roll down to his waist. Calum gets a few heated kisses in before leaning down to Luke’s neck, “Want to come over to my house?”

“I think I could do that,” Luke words come out breathless with laughter and excitement.

“Good. I’m only into you for your body anyways,” Calum bites into Luke’s neck and Luke cracks up, covering his mouth with his hand.

“If we go now, we can beat your parents home,” Luke mutters.

“Oh no,” Calum groans.

“What?”

Calum tucks his face into Luke’s neck, “I forgot they know now. No more sleepovers.”

Luke cackles at that, wrapping his arms tight around Calum. It makes Calum smile. Luke says, “We’ll learn to make do.”

“Is it too late to take it back? Can we un-come out?” Calum says to make Luke laugh again.

“Come on,” Luke pushes at Calum’s hip, “Get up so we can get back.”

“Fine,” Calum stands and offers a hand up to Luke. Luke takes it. Calum doesn’t want to let go.