Chapter Text
Cherry blossom petals look like candy. That’s the first thought she had, when she saw the first spring she would remember. An innocuous thought, befitting of a small child.
Now, whenever she found pink petals scattered about, she felt scared. They fell so easily, a small breeze enough to send a couple of them flying. They stop being beautiful when they hit the ground. They fell and then were doomed to rot. Life is fickle, beauty doesn’t last. Everything ends. Everyone dies.
It chilled her to her very core. She doesn’t want more people to die. She wants her aunt and her uncle back. She wants her mom back. Death is so, so cruel. Misfortune has it out for her.
And someday, it’ll get her, too.
She’s terrified of when it will happen, and where, and how. She could die any second now. She could die at sixteen. What a short, sad life. Plucked out before she could become anything.
It’ll happen. Every waking second, she knows it’ll happen.
… But Kaname helps her relax, at least.
She thinks of how cherry blossom petals rot, first. She panics. Then, she looks to Kaname, who is eating from her bento box in peace. Her chopsticks sit close to her face. Her mouth is closed, politely so. Her lips are a little shiny, and they’re full in the middle. They’re so pink. Pink, they look sweet. They’re so pink, just like cherry blossoms. Cherry blossom petals look like candy.
Kaname’s lips look like candy. She wonders if they taste sweet.
The thought brings a blush to her freckled cheeks, and the racing sensation in her chest turns saccharine. It’s happiness.
It’s… love. First love. Knowing Kaname for a month was enough for her to fall in love, and it’s the one good thing that’s happened to her in a long time. She loves having a friend for the first time in her life, and she loves loving Kaname. She loves Kaname and the silky blue hair that stops at her shoulders. She loves Kaname and her haughty behavior. She loves the pout on her lips, and she loves her yellow eyes. She loves to see her on stage. She loves–
“Stop staring at my lunch, Haruki,” that voice she loves so much is talking to her. She snaps back to reality, just to see a small, confused frown on her face. “Didn’t you bring your own food or money or something?”
Haruki blinks dumbly, still transfixed on Kaname’s eyes. Right, she has to answer. “Um, I actually don’t have food, but let me check if I brought my wallet…” forcing herself to look away from Kaname feels painful, but she’s glad Kaname would let her sit with her even without any lunchbox to speak of. Haruki pats the pockets of her blazer, and the pockets of her skirt, and she finds… nothing. Ah well, she didn’t care about lunch anyway. She laughs and rubs the back of her neck, pretending to be embarrassed. “Oops! I must have left it in the dorms. I was rushing this morning,” she says, conveniently leaving out the part where she barreled through the door after hearing Kaname’s voice in the hallway, assessing that looking presentable and having her bag was enough.
She’s aware her behavior is strange, on most levels. She knows girls aren’t supposed to love each other like how she loves Kaname. She knows loving someone to the point they’re your hopes and dreams is weird. But she can’t help it. She can’t help loving the only light in her life, her saving grace. She can’t help clinging to the girl she loves. She can’t help loving happiness.
She would do anything to be with Kaname, and if that meant skipping meals and swallowing up her feelings, then that’s a small price to pay.
Kaname, who is still sitting right by her side, sighs in exasperation. “Idols aren’t supposed to be this careless. Good thing you’re the cute type of idol,” oh, she could just explode. Kaname called her cute! Sure, she’s just trying to describe the image her producers push for her, but that doesn’t matter! She finds her plain bob cut and sharp eyes cute! She really couldn’t be any happier. Not even roaring applause can top this.
She can’t control herself much right now, and before she knows it, she’s grabbed Kaname’s hand and leaned closer. “Do you really think I’m cute?” She asks all too excitedly, pink eyes shimmering almost all on their own.
Kaname looks shocked for a moment at the sudden display, before wringing herself free from Haruki’s grasp. There’s a small bit of pink on her cheeks. So cute! “Yeah? I mean, it’s pretty hard for you to be anything other than cute, ‘cause you’re so short. You’re not bad at performing cutesy stuff.”
Ooh, she’s never been praised by Kaname like this before! Every word out of her mouth is like gospel to Haruki, and she pays attention, hanging onto everything she’s saying. Her heart rate’s racing even faster. “Thank you so much!” She says immediately after Kaname’s done talking, the smile in her voice matching with the one on her face. “I love your performances too! You look so cool in Ariadne’s Thread,” she can’t stop herself from sounding like an avid fan of HiMERU, and if she weren’t Kaname’s own deskmate, she’d think she just ran into her number one admirer. “It’s one of my favorite songs right now, too! You did super well, HiMERU-chan.”
Kaname, naturally, takes the compliments in stride. She puffs out her chest in a display of pride, and in Haruki’s eyes, it couldn’t be any more deserved. “Of course! I’m a genius on stage, and I’m gonna be on top of the industry someday. You better watch out for that.”
A giggle bursts forth from Haruki’s lips, like a bubble of happiness that couldn’t be contained. “I will! I’ll be cheering you on. Let’s become successful idols, you and me,” if just to keep you here with me for longer, she thinks.
Kaname pauses for a moment, as if to ponder on something. Haruki wonders what goes on behind those golden eyes. Then, she speaks. “... Deal. I will let you stand at number two.” She says, and Haruki’s brain hears I love you.
“Yay!” She exclaims and clutches Kaname’s hand between both of hers, careful not to crush it. “You’re the best, HiMERU-chan!”
For a moment, she swears she sees fondness in Kaname’s gaze.
But much like cherry blossoms, it gets carried away.
It’s interrupted, too, when they hear a sound. A growling that couldn’t come from anywhere else but Haruki’s stomach. Kaname huffs, and the black haired girl laments the loss of the moment. “I’m sorry…”
“Go buy something at the cafeteria next time,” she says, but Haruki feels something against her lips. Looking down, she sees an octopus sausage in between chopsticks, and looking up, she sees the love of her life. “Come on, we don’t have all day.”
She gasps, and when the food lands in her mouth, it’s the only thing that matters in the world. Her and Kaname, together.
Happiness is something Kaname has brought back, all the way from the abyss.
She will do anything for her, she will go anywhere.
Maybe cherry blossom petals don’t need to fall fast.
She’s sure Kaname is as sweet as candy.
Sweet, like the love in her heart.
.
.
.
She’s never ran like this in her entire life.
When she’s late to class, she walks slightly faster. If asked to run, she jogs. She’s never been one to rush.
But who wouldn’t break into a sprint, when your life's on the line?
Your dreams, your happiness. Her dreams and her happiness. They’re one and the same, something that Haruki’s known since Kaname sat next to her for the first time. She knows all too well the lengths she’s willing to go to.
Which is why her being late to their announcement is such a travesty towards their cause. Towards Kaname.
Kaname’s all that’s been on her mind, even as she trailed after her legal guardian. She’s never had to attend such a pointless, ill timed meeting. Her nerves are stretched thin, and her heart’s pounding more and more. She bribed her driver to get her to Reimei Academy faster, but it still wasn’t enough.
The rain falling from the sky was mocking her, but she could only think of how important this was to Kaname. She can’t let her down. She won’t know what to do if she does.
And so, she leaps over puddles and holds her umbrella closer still to her body. She can’t arrive to the auditorium a soaked mess. Running was already bad enough, with her constantly fast heart rate. She has to look presentable. She’s one of the faces of this scheme of theirs. She represents Kaname’s hopes and dreams and longing, in this. She can’t look bad. She’s gonna have to fix her hair soon.
Traversing through the halls goes quickly, seeing as they’re so empty. It’s an uncommon sight, and Haruki spares a thought to it. It almost reminds her of a closed school, with its vacant classrooms and the lack of students grouped up outside of them. It takes a stab at her anxiety, knowing just how many eyes are gonna be on them. They’re gonna analyze every single movement they make, every single word they say, and the public’s reaction will most likely be volatile. Trying to talk through social issues rarely goes smoothly, and especially not in an environment like Reimei’s.
But that’s why she’s here, isn’t it? To share the burden with Tatsumi and Kaname. To stand with them, when nobody else will.
She’s the voice of a special student, just like any other, who supports the cause. She’s a witness to their gospel.
This is the role she has to play in this narrative. She will do anything to support Kaname, she will do anything to save her dreams. If it means uprooting this entire system, she’ll do it.
Kaname saved her life, so the least she can do is give her everything. That’s what love is. That’s what her love entails.
It’s why arriving at the back of the auditorium with no air left in her lungs is inconsequential. At some point she dropped her umbrella, but it didn't matter. She zeroes in on the head of blue hair she knows so well, and she approaches upon finding it.
Only to stop dead in her tracks, as she spots mint hair, too. Tatsumi’s also here, of course she would be. This dream they’re pushing wasn’t Kaname’s invention, she knows that much, and Tatsumi being here to pitch her plan makes sense. It’s a bit of a miracle, even, for a girl who seems to suffer from every stress induced sickness known to man. Kaname was happy Tatsumi could make it today, and back then, she had shared her happiness. Her emotions are often synonymous with Kaname’s.
That doesn’t seem to be the case right now, though.
First, she sees mint hair and blue hair, sitting way too close to each other. Then, her eyes flit to their hands, touching even closer still, held in a grip that seeks to connect, more than anything. A different hand, at the back of Kaname’s neck. Tatsumi’s head is angled. She’s watched way too many movies to not know what’s happening between them.
She watched all those movies, picturing Kaname and her in place of those girls. It’s funny in a cruel way, that reality still has her looking in. Looking in on something she shouldn’t be seeing, a violation of privacy.
She’s stuck in place, though. She can’t avert her eyes from the sheer proof in front of her. It’s the futility of her feelings, in a shiny, beautiful display. Ah, love between two girls. Sacred but taboo, the purest and the dirtiest, at the same time. They’re still kissing. She’s been standing here for minutes, and they’re still going. It’s passionate, scorching hot, yet she’s sitting in the freezing cold. Outside looking in.
It’s beautiful, but it’s so, so ugly. It makes her feel so ugly. So foolish and pathetic.
She never had the courage to love Kaname so closely, skin to skin. She could never be so bold, so selfish. Just being her friend and loving her hands off would be fine.
But that’s never what she wanted. Her insides ache and itch with longing, even now. Even now that she knows there will never be a chance.
She wanted to hold Kaname, at least once. She wanted to be the only thing she sees. She wanted her love, and her attention. She wanted everything. It was wrong for her to have wanted everything.
She’s a selfish monster, grasping at straws, drowning in her grief.
In comparison, Tatsumi is a saint. Even more than that, she’s a sacrifice. A beacon of light that rivals Virgin Mary herself. She’s the sun, among the darkness of the universe.
Kaname deserves someone like that. A beautiful star in the sky.
That’s something she could never hope to be.
It’s here she realized that she will never be loved by Kaname.
Her heart breaks quietly, but it makes enough noise to make them notice her standing there. They startle and jump back into a normal distance, pretending they weren’t doing what they were doing. She brushes it off expertly and smiles. She’s gotten so good at acting.
There’s no time to cry. The curtain has to open, and she has to fight for Kaname’s dreams of being loved. It’s her one purpose.
She lives for someone who will never love her.
But that might just be okay.
She doesn’t deserve anything more than that. If Kaname’s happy, she’s happy.
She has to make Kaname happy. Tatsumi has to succeed, and she has to help her. Even if there’s a bitterness in her heart, she has to make this work.
This plan has to work, there’s no other way.
The curtain opens, finally, and she makes a small prayer.
Let me stay by her side, please.
I love you, Kaname. I’ll make your dreams come true.
I’ll burn away for you.