Chapter Text
It was a week after the last extermination, and while chaos reigns outside as the Sinners fight each other to expand what territory may they have, it was nice and quiet in the hotel.
Right now, Alastor has called us down to the lobby to show us something. Well, Charlie and Vaggie something, since it apparently has something to do with the hotel. I can’t speak for the others, but I was mostly here out of curiosity at what Alastor has to show on the old-timey TV that looks like it belongs in a museum. As it turns out, Alastor wanted to show us a commercial advertising the hotel.
Well, it was supposed to be advertising the hotel. The commercial wasn’t just bad, it was actively insulting it and Charlie. And that annoying smile on Alastor’s face as he turns off the TV told me it was all intentional.
“So, what do you think?” he had the audacity to ask.
Vaggie was the first to speak. “I'm sorry. What the fuck was that?”
While Vaggie glared at Alastor, Charlie gives a nervous smile. “Uh, yeah. One note, Alastor, I mean, first off, thank you so much for making this seriously amazing, but um, maybe the tone is a bit off? We want people to want to come here. This makes it look, um...”
“Bad. The word you're looking for is bad,” Vaggie finishes for her.
“Funny. I was going for hilarious.”
“You do know the point of making an advertisement is to get people to want it, right?” I ask. It really wasn’t my place to speak, since I’m just a guest here, but I really can’t stop myself from throwing in my two cents about this.
“Exactly,” Vaggie nods in agreement. “It didn't explain anything about how we're trying to save demons from extermination, which is the whole fucking point.”
“They’re right, Alastor; the commercial was to let Sinners know we are trying to help them,” Charlie finishes.
“Well, my dear, I haven't been active in Hell for some time and everyone remembers me from my radio show, the proper medium to express oneself! But you insisted on this: noisy picture box advertisement,” Alastor taps the ancient-looking television with his weird staff. “So, I had a little fun with it.”
“Not everyone is as old and backwards as you, you know,” I snark.
Alastor glares at me, but before he can say anything in response, Vaggie angrily stands up. “Oh, and fun? You had a little fun with it? Well, this is not what we want to represent us. When you showed up here a year ago, you told us you would help run this hotel! Instead, you're mocking us. Nobody's gonna wanna come to a place that a powerful Overlord like you thinks is a waste of time!”
As she sits back down, Angel raises his hand, gaining their attention.
“What?” Vaggie asks, still annoyed and not in the mood for anything that’s not helpful.
“If you're filming a commercial, can I suggest you take better advantage of the celebrities you have right here?” he suggests, and gestures to himself and to me.
“Angel, you’re a porn star, and Andrew’s just a normal human.”
“A famous porn star, and the human,” Angel counters. “We can get the horniest sinners knocking these walls down to get in.”
“We’re not filming a porn as a commercial.”
“Why not? Sex sells, don't it? And as much as a slimy fucker Val was, he was right about the human-demon genre being open for the taking. I swear if you film me goin' at it with Andy here, you'd be rollin' in participants willing to stay at this hotel.”
I chuckle nervously, scooching a little further away from him on the couch. “Yeah, still not my type.”
“Angel, I appreciate you wanting to use your… special skills to, um, attract folks to the hotel, but… I really don't want to exploit either of you. In that way,” Charlie says.
“Oh, please, baby. My body was made to be exploited,” Angel’s grin widens as he starts gesturing to himself more. “I got the arms, I got the stamina, I got the legs. I got the lung capacity,” he chuckles to himself. “Oh, I got the legs. The gag reflex, the holes, the chest fluff everyone thinks are tits.”
I just scooch a few more inches away from Angel. He’s a decent guy, and I’ve grown to like him as a friend in the months I’ve known him, but I just get uncomfortable when he gets extra horny like this. I get snapped out of my thoughts as trumpets start blaring from Charlie’s phone.
“I’ll be right back,” Charlie says as she leaves the room.
“I could keep goin’ all night, baby!” Angel calls out to her as she turns the corner.
“Hey, I have a question,” Angel gestures to Alastor. “If freaky face over there is so powerful, then why can't he just make people stay here?”
“Oh, trust me, I can!” The red-clad Overlord says as his antlers grow larger, and the room itself actually gets darker.
Yeah, not ominous and creepy at all…
“Why do you think I'm here?”
I look over at Husk, still behind that bar. If it wasn’t for the fact I’ve seen him leave, I’d say that he had a bed behind the bar counter.
“You actually think I'd be cleaning bottles and listening to you fucks bitch and moan all the time if he wasn't forcing me?” he asks.
Niffty pops up from behind the counter, a cheery smile on her face. “I like being forced.”
“Keep that to yourself, Niff.”
“What? You don't love being here with me, Whiskers?” Angel asks in a flirty voice.
“Call me Whiskers again and I'll jam that bottle down your throat,” the cat retorts.
“Kinky. Come on, keep talking dirty.”
Vaggie just sighs, “Angel. Let Husk do his job. And, no, we can't force sinners to stay here. They need to choose to.”
“I'm choosing to be here and I still think it's all stupid. We're in hell, toots. That's kind of the end of the road, ain't it?”
“Well, maybe it doesn't have to be,” Vaggie says. “Just because nobody has made it out before doesn't mean it's not possible.”
“Even if it isn’t possible for Sinners to be redeemed, we can still put in the work to making Hell a better place to live in,” an imp woman Charlie hired recently spoke up after being quiet this entire time. Debbie, I think.
“Hey, whatever means I can keep crashing here rent-free,” Angel tells them.
I watch as the banter between them continues on. I’m half-tempted to head back to my room
“VAGGIEHOLYSHIT!” Charlie shouts out excitedly as she pokes her head out from the hall she went into earlier. I jump a bit in surprise, not expecting that, and Vaggie gives a small yelp.
“What?!”
Whatever it is, it has Charlie very excited, as she motions for Vaggie to come over. The grey-skinned sinner sighs with a smile as she joins Charlie to discuss something. Me and the others look on at the two, Charlie’s talking too fast for me to really hear anything. I think she said a meeting with an angel? Vaggie’s reaction suggests she’s just as confused as I am, and she’s right there.
And that’s when the music started, from somewhere in the background.
One of the things I learned about Hell is that, somehow, for whatever reason, there’s background music whenever someone starts singing. Most of the time, it only happens whenever someone at the hotel or I.M.P sings, though it sometime starts whenever someone else does it. I asked about the background music, but nobody knew why, and mostly just ignore it.
“♫ I can do this. Somehow, I know it.
I’ll get Heaven behind my plan. ♫”
Vaggie reaches out to try to bring her back down to earth, “Charlie, hold on.” Only for the princess to take a few dancing steps into the middle of the hotel lobby.
“♫ There's just no way I could blow it.
Not this once-in-a-lifetime chance! ♫”
“It’s just a meeting.”
“♫ To change their minds
And touch their hearts
Or... whatever angels have! ♫”
“This could be bad.”
Charlie goes over to Vaggie and holds her hands.
“♫ Cheer up, Vaggie.
This could be swell! ♫”
The princess starts to cheerfully spin her girlfriend around. The background music picks up, becoming upbeat and silly.
“♫ Something tells me that today will be a happy day in Hell! ♫”
She then lets go of Vaggie, and dances her way out the front door.
Vaggie was too disoriented to notice, “Okay, but just don't... sing to them.”
“She’s already about half a mile away,” I tell her. Man, that girl is fast when she wants to be.
“Is she –?”
“Yeah, she’s dancing.”
She groans in annoyance, “Ugh, no.”
“Okay, so Charlie’s dealing with something very important,” Vaggie says to all of us as she paces in front of the couch and chairs we’re all sitting on. “So while she’s gone, we are making a new commercial. One that represents her vision and what we’re doing here.” She holds out one hand while placing the other on her hip. “So, we need a camera. Alastor?”
With a snap of his fingers, an old-timey camera materializes into Vaggie’s hand with a small flash of green light.
She frowns. “A video camera.”
A hum comes from the Overlord followed by another snap of his fingers, and the vintage camera is replaced by an old video camera, that has clearly seen better days, if the tape holding it together is any indication.
“All right, let’s do this!”
I raise my hand, “Hey, Vaggie? Can I help out with the script a bit?”
“Some help would be appreciated, so sure.” she said.
“Great, this could really help me out of that creative block I’ve been stuck in.” And it could finally give me an excuse to do something with the digital art courses I’ve taken in school.
Vaggie just motions for me to follow her to an office room.
“So, what did you have in mind for the script?” Vaggie asks me.
“Well, the point of the commercial is to sell the concept of the hotel to the people here, right? To start off, we’re going to need to ask some simple questions. Can I have some paper so I can write them down?”
“You can’t just say them?” she asks as she hands over a paper and a pen.
“It’s easier if I write them down,” I answer as I start writing.
A couple of minutes pass and I hand over the paper to Vaggie. “’Were you a good person in life who was sent to Hell over a mistake or moment of weakness? Were you forced to crime or sinful acts just to put food on the table? Did you have time to reflect on your acts in life and you now wish to atone for them? Or are you simply down on your luck and you’re worried that you might not survive the next extermination? If yes to any of these, then give redemption a chance at the Hazbin Hotel,’” she reads. “Not bad, it’s a good start for the commercial.”
“Do you want me to film you asking those questions, or should we wait for Charlie?” I ask. “I mean she is connected to the hotel and while you are the manager, you’ll probably just be seen some random sinner. No offense.”
“No, no, I get it, Charlie is the face of the hotel,” she says. “But I’ll do it.”
“And… Action!”
“’Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel. Can I help you with anything?’”
Okay, not a good start so far if Husk is reading from the script like that. We may need cue cards.
“’I've been a bad boy,’” Angel says as he climbs onto the bar top and starts caressing Husk’s face. “’And I need a big, strong daddy to put me in my place…on the path to redemption!’”
Husk just rolls his eyes with an annoyed groan, but otherwise stays quiet. “’Well, you come –‘“
“Oh, yes!”
“’To the right place.’”
“Cut!” Vaggie calls out as she stops recording. “Okay, Angel, I need you to be less horny if possible, and Husk, can you maybe not have the script in front of your face?”
“I ain't no actor! I can't memorize this shit!” Husk says.
“I’ll work on some cue cards for Husk.”
“Or better yet, we could improv this shit, baby cakes,” Angel gets into Husk’s face as he flirts. “Rawrr.”
The spider sinner’s flirting is cut short as Husk just shoves him off the bar. “Whoops.” The cat just shrugs and grabs a bottle of booze to start drinking.
“Husk, come on.”
I sigh, “Maybe we should get Matilda to play this role instead of Angel?”
Niffty is giggling manically as she tries to stab a roach with a giant sewing needle, “Stab. Stab. Stab.”
I’m very lucky to have Vaggie here right now.
“Alright, Niffty,” she says, but she gets no reaction from the maid.
“Niffty?” Still nothing.
“Niffty!” Vaggie calls out a third time, gently grabbing Niffty’s hand to finally get her attention. “Your line is ‘We have the cleanest rooms,’ okay.”
“Got it. I’m ready,” Niffty says.
Vaggie turns on the camera and points it at her, “Action.”
In an instant, the enthusiastic smile on Niffty’s face vanishes, replaced with a blank stare. No blinking, she’s not even breathing. I look at the others in the room; Vaggie seems worried, Angel is as creeped out as I am, and even Helsa seems unnerved at how the maid is acting.
“Uh… Cut.”
As if snapped out of a trance, the cheeriness returns to Niffty. “How was that?”
“Well, Niffty, you actually have to say the line, so let's roll ag–“ Helsa goes over to tap Vaggie on the shoulder. “What?”
Helsa whispers something into Vaggie’s ear.
“On second thought, Niffty,” Vaggie says as she discreetly starts recording again. “Why don’t we make sure you know what your line is first?”
“Oh sure, you said my line was ‘We have the cleanest rooms,’” Niffty answers.
“Perfect, you did great.”
“Wait, what just happened?”
“What did you say to her?” I ask Helsa.
“Simple, I just said to trick her into thinking she wasn’t being recorded.”
“Okay, your line is ‘We provide professional therapy to help you work through your troubles in life,’” Vaggie says.
Debbie nods, a bit nervous, “Okay, I can do this. I’m ready.”
Vaggie and I are sitting in front of the TV as she edits the footage for the commercial. Although it’s pretty decent, it still looks rather amateurish, and Vaggie’s not exactly happy with how it’s turned out.
“Maybe I can ask Verosika if she can endorse the hotel?” I suggest. “Stupid people would do anything with that.”
Vaggie shakes her head. “No, she’s hellborn, she doesn’t have any stake in a hotel that’s trying to redeem sinners. And besides, just like with Angel’s idea for a commercial, we don’t want horny idiots coming here thinking they’ll get laid.”
“Seems like you're having a bit of a trouble there, hmm?”
Goddammit, we are going to need to get a bell for this guy.
Vaggie just gives an annoyed groan, “Este pendejo... Why are you even here?”
Alastor just sits down on the couch, the smile on his face looking even more smug than it normally does. “For the entertainment.” His shadow slithers up to the back of the couch and stands up behind it, silently laughing at us. “I came here because I love seeing wasteful souls struggle to accomplish something meaningful and fail spectacularly.” His shadow disappears as he stands back up. “Like you both are doing now. Good job!”
“I thought we were doing a good job…” I said.
The hotel manager angrily stands up and grabs the camera to start recording.
“And here is Alastor, the egocentric piece of shit that –“ The camera starts sparking with green electricity, causing Vaggie to cry out in surprise as she drops it.
“I wouldn't try that, my dear,” Alastor says. His face start growing more twisted and demonic. “This face was made for radio.”
I chuckle nervously. “Come on, I wouldn’t say you’re that ugly.”
Vaggie snorts, trying very hard not to laugh, and I realize what I just said. Shit, I literally just insulted Alastor right to his face. The way he narrowed his eyes at me tells me he knows what I said.
“You are very lucky you are friends with dear Charlotte and her girlfriend, human; I have killed people for much less,” he said.
“Hey, lay off him. You do not get to threaten any of the residents here,” Vaggie says, pushing me behind her as she gets up in his face. “And I don't care who or what you are. If you're staying here, you're going to make this work, because it won't be so "entertaining" to watch over an empty hotel, will it, shitass?”
I swear I see Alastor’s grin widen.
“Fair enough,” he says, shrugging. “I'll tell you what. Let's make a deal.”
Vaggie scoffs. “You think I'm that stupid, making a deal with a demon like you?”
“Not for your soul, just a simple deal. I do this for you, and you never ask me to engage with this frivolous television technology ever again,” Alastor explains. “Or…Charlie can come back to the sad excuse of a commercial you two made. Your choice.”
“Uh huh,” I cross my arms. “And what can you offer that Vox can’t? Because I can call Velvette right now and ask her to get Vox to do a favor for me.”
Alastor’s smile starts to strain. “That pompous picture box is not welcome here after what happened on Christmas. And if you must know, I can make your commercial look classy and professionally done, and you wouldn’t have to deal with Vox’s insistence on proving his superiority over me.”
Vaggie and I look at each other, he kind of does have a point; Vox is weirdly obsessed with that pissing contest he seems to have with Alastor. Eventually, she sighs and picks up the camera, “Fine.”
Placing the camera in Alastor’s hand, bright green ghosts start to swirl around it and it crackles with more electricity.
Alastor claps his hands together, making the camera disappear, before snapping his fingers. The room immediately brightens as stage lighting manifests, along with a camera, a director’s chair, the other residents of the hotel, and surprisingly enough, an actual film crew.
A glowing green mist swirl around me and the others, and I find myself and Angel wearing a rather dapper looking suits and Niffty in a flapper dress. Husk didn’t change much, just a pair of wrist cuffs.
“Alright, everyone!” Vaggie smiles as the green mist swirls around her, leaving her in a fancy dress. “Let’s make a fucking commercial.”
“Alastor pulled some strings, and it’s about to air,” Vaggie says as she leads Charlie to the couch.
Alastor laughs, “I pulled a few limbs too!”
“Wait, the commercial?” Charlie asks, confused. “You all made a new one?”
“Yeah, one of my better performances, if I do say so myself,” Angel answers.
The princess smiles as she starts tearing up. “That’s… That’s amazing.”
Angel shushes her. “It’s starting!”
“Welcome to the Hazbin Hot–“ The commercial suddenly cuts to show the news.
“Oh come on!!” I shout out in frustration.
Charlie, Vaggie, Angel, Debbie, and Matilda are just as annoyed as I am; Helsa, Alastor, and Husk are indifferent, and Niffty’s just giggling.
“Breaking news in Hell today!” Katie Killjoy said on the screen.
That throat chop Charlie gave her months earlier must’ve done a number on her voice; she almost sounds like Blitzo now.
“We just received word from the Heaven Embassy that the next extermination is happening sooner than ever before. Do you know what that means, Tom?”
“No, what does that mean Katie?”
“It means we’re all royally fucked!”
The news cuts to the giant hourglass in the center of the city, as the number of days to the next extermination drops from 358 to 176.
“They… They can’t be serious, right?” I ask.
