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When you’re young, everything feels like the end of the world.
We’re all insignificant in the grand scheme of things. When you look at something vast and infinite, like the sky or the ocean, you realize how small you are and how one of those big waves could easily kill you. You realize how fragile human beings are – how, no matter how strong we think we are, at the end of the day, when time leaves you behind, it’s not going to come back for you. In the end we’re born on this earth to die, but I guess people find things to live for. And since I’m here and I’m living through today, maybe I live for a reason too.
He said that we affect the lives of others in our own insignificant ways. No matter how small the change, it’s there and our existence matters.
“Like if I were to let the car move forward a little in this parking space right now, then the pebbles near the wheel would shuffle across the concrete. Maybe tomorrow, when someone is walking by this space, they will trip over the pebble that we moved tonight. Then maybe they’ll go home early, and on the way, maybe they’ll meet someone who’ll later turn out to be the love of their life. Think of it. All because of these pebbles, because without thinking, I just let the car slide forward a couple inches.”
We were outside the car on the edge of the beach at 1 AM, both eating our own burritos we bought at the shady drive-thru the next town over as we discussed our insignificance in this world. These burritos were the best – the store was dingy, small, and located in a seedy neighborhood, but we often drove twenty minutes from home just to get here.
The beach by our neighborhood stretched on forever, all white sand and clear water, and clear skies on most days. But it was 1 AM so it was dark. The wind from the ocean was cold and a little piercing against my skin.
From the corner of my eye, I could see that Liam had stopped in his eating for a bit, pausing instead to pensively stare out into the crashing waves against the few rocks on the otherwise sandy beach.
I paused too, wondering what he was thinking about but not feeling the need to ask.
“Nialler, is it just me or is it brighter than usual?”
“Huh? What do you—”
I didn’t get to finish my sentence though, because at that precise moment someone else interrupted our conversation.
“Oi, boys, didn’t you notice that my car’s been behind you for the past five minutes?”
It was a middle-aged stumpy policeman dressed in his navy blue uniform. He didn’t look particularly amused, but that could have something to do with the fact that he was patrolling a virtually empty and quiet area around the beach at one in the morning instead of fighting proper crime downtown.
“Sorry sir,” Liam apologized as he stood up slowly. “We didn’t notice.”
The policeman scoffed. “The beached is closed. What are you two doing here?”
“Just eating burritos,” Liam replied curtly.
There was an awkward silence as the policeman seemed to think over the response and decide whether or not we were two teenage boys doing drugs by the beach at 1 in the morning. When he determined that we were indeed only eating burritos, he let out a sigh and waved his hand dismissively.
“Well, get going. The beach closed at 11.”
Wordlessly, we got in the car. The police car trailed us for about five minutes before we took a sudden turn and lost him.
“That prick, got nothin’ better to do,” I said bitterly as I picked up my burrito again and resumed eating it.
“Honestly the beach is a public place; I don’t see how it closes at 11.”
Still chewing in a manner that I would like to describe as intimidating, I glared hardly at the road before me. “Maybe he means the parking lot.” God how I hated logic.
Liam shrugged though. “Doesn’t change the fact that he’s patrolling the beach at 1 in the morning. Was probably looking for some time off.”
“Think he’s on some kind of points system? Needed to terrorize some kids in the neighborhood but too pussy to actually find criminals?”
“He didn’t fine us or anything. Don’t think that worked.”
I hummed thoughtfully and stared out at the window on the side. The scenery was soon becoming more familiar and within a minute we were back at our own neighborhood.
“Just gonna drop you off out front yeah?” Liam said as he made a turn into the road I lived on. Liam lived only a block away from me.
“Yeah.”
That night, I lied awake thinking about what Liam explained before we were interrupted – the thought that perhaps our actions do change the world in the smallest ways, that perhaps we mattered, I mattered. But
then I thought about the sky, the sea, the waves, and the policeman with nothing better to do, and I thought, no, nothing mattered in the end.
Liam was two years my senior, but we grew up in the same neighborhood and played together as children. He was in his last year of high school and was often busy with school assignments, but still managed to take time to sneak me out of the house at night to go for a drive.
It was like our thing – cruising through the roads near our town in the middle of the night, blasting music and just generally having the time of our lives. The night drive was the only time I ever felt like maybe this all wasn’t so pointless. I would survive all the shit during the day just to be alive when Liam throws pebbles at my window to notify me he arrived at two in the morning. Sometimes he would get there earlier, sometimes later – like at three. He usually got me back by 5 AM, right before my parents woke up.
Driving with Liam was the only time I really felt like I could relax, that even if in the end nothing mattered, it didn’t matter that nothing mattered, because for those few hours we were free. And then one day it dawned on me that after Liam graduated high school, we wouldn’t be able to do this anymore.
The word ‘hollow’ sounded oddly like the center of my chest, like dropping all your coins on the pavement on a busy street and bending down to pick it all up on your own.
Liam and I had always been two very different people. Liam always gave things a chance, always believed that he mattered. But the thing was Liam did matter. He had good grades, was the captain of the track team and well-liked among his peers. On top of that, he could handle being friends with someone like me.
Me? Forget it. I could never bring myself to care enough, you know. The school counselor’s told me that all I had to do was apply myself in school a bit more, in life, even. But what’s the point anyway? I wasn’t Liam and even if I tried, nothing would change. I was still going to be the guy that nobody cared about, insignificant in the grand scheme of things. The only thing that mattered was the sound of pebbles against my window during midnight as Liam waited outside with his car.
Admittedly, that I could possibly be significant, even just a little, was an addictive idea to me. At first, it came to me like a random stranger knocking on my door in the middle of the night to say hello, but soon it became a constant presence in my mind. I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. There was just no way, because I knew that no matter what I did or how much I tried, nothing would ever really become something that made any difference. But then there was Liam, wistful with a far-off look in his eyes as he explained why every little thing mattered in the smallest ways. And even the smallest changes counted in the end.
And then sometimes my mind would take a break from all that and drift off elsewhere. Sometimes I would find myself thinking of the day Liam would leave town to go to college and how we would never ride off into the night ever again. Liam had everything though – he would have no problem settling elsewhere and making new friends, because he was just like that. Me though, what would I do without him? What would I do without anything to look forward to, to get through the day with? Was it worth it then?
Liam had a girlfriend called Danielle.
He loved her. She was pretty, funny, full of personality, and he made Liam happy. Sometimes I drift off to the side when she’s around and secretly ponder what could be if I were a girl and if I were like her. I wonder what could be if I were Danielle and I was the one who was Liam’s world. But then that’s stupid because I was neither of those things and I would never be.
I knew that more than ever when Liam called that night to tell me he had to cancel the midnight cruise because something came up. He didn’t need to tell me what though. I knew. Of course I did. He was graduating soon. He and Danielle weren’t going to the same university so they were trying to spend as much time as possible together before they part ways. Liam told me they were going to try and maintain a long distance relationship. It was going to be hard, but he was going to at least try.
“Sorry Nialler, I’ll make it up to you tomorrow, yeah?” Liam said softly. I knew he could feel my disappointment through the phone. He didn’t need to hazard a guess nor did he need me to say anything to make it known. He’d always been the one who understood me when no one else did.
“Okay,” I replied curtly. I didn’t have the energy to be polite and tell him he didn’t have to make it up to me. He didn’t owe me anything. Nobody owed me anything. But I owed a lot to Liam – for sticking with me even though I was nothing and he was everything.
I couldn’t really tell exactly how or why it happened but the next night when Liam’s pebbles hit the side of my window I was already sitting by the door ready to sneak out. It was almost like I’d seen him for the first time in ages but that was really stupid because really I’d just seen him in school today and it hadn’t been that long since our last drive. We only missed yesterday. I felt so dumb though, when I ran over to him and basically threw myself at him. What the fuck was even wrong with me these days? Jesus. I adjusted my shirt a little right before I opened the door to go out too – it was fitting me a little awkwardly and I wondered if it made me look too skinny. I was a small guy, too small for my age and could eat everyone’s Christmas dinner but not gain an ounce. It made me conscious of whether or not the stuff I wore made me look even smaller.
The shirt I was wearing was okay though. I knew it was one of my safe shirts that I looked okay in, but I felt self-conscious anyway. Why the fuck was I concerned about how I looked anyway? This was Liam, just Liam, always Liam. The same Liam. I need a moment.
Liam felt nice though. He was warm and smelled nice – like his herbal shampoo and lemony body wash that I know he used, plus a little bit of him, which made the smell even nicer. I could fall asleep with that close to me.
But I was such a dumbass, really. Liam had a girlfriend. I was a boy. Geez, add to my difficult life and all my problems, would you?
The moon was very round tonight. I could see it hanging before us in the far distance as we drove down the road to the usual place.
The beach was the same, which was comforting. A lot of things were going to change in the next few months, but at least the beach would still be here, and the cops would still be patrolling the area as though all the crimes happened here. Teenagers doing weed, you know, easily the evilest stuff they battled – except people didn’t even do weed at the beach, so they ought to look elsewhere.
The place was deserted at this time as usual. It was nearly 3AM now. We didn’t get burritos tonight. When Liam asked in the car I said I wasn’t hungry, and I wasn’t, but really I was just a bit worried about making a mess eating tonight. And there was this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I didn’t know what had gotten to me and why I was worried about shit like that. I usually never was. I just – I didn’t know.
Liam looked like he always did tonight – and that was why he looked better than ever, too. For some reason this knowledge made me feel like curling up and squeezing my eyes shut and breathing out a bit – or alternatively curling up beside Liam and laying my head on his sturdy shoulder. The sight made me sad, because I had gotten so used to it that I was noticing almost for the first time just how beautiful Liam was, and even though I had always known Liam was good-looking and popular and everything I had never taken the time to really know it. And now that I did, it was a sword through my heart. Or was that too dramatic? Maybe more like thorns. It was painful though, knowing that I wasn’t going to see him much anymore.
So I told him.
“I don’t want you to go,” I said. I immediately regretted saying it. He was going to laugh and call me stupid and then just shrug it off. This was Liam, Liam who didn’t need Niall in his life but damn did I need him. He could easily just brush me off and go back to his perfect life with his perfect girlfriend, perfect grades, perfect friends and reputation. And me? Well.
He didn’t do any of that though. And I wanted to cry because he didn’t. I think I wanted him to say something horrible, act like a jerk, because then it’d be easier when it came down to it, to let it all go and just move on. But that’s the one thing I really dreaded, you know, moving on, things changing, and this was what all this crap was about. Change. But Liam wasn’t a jerk, far from it. He had his moments too but all in all he was really just the nicest guy ever and fuck if he didn’t deserve all this. He deserved everything and more.
Who the fuck did I think I was to tell him not to go?
He didn’t resent me or laugh it off that I told him I wanted him to stay though. I knew how much he looked forward to university and starting out anew. I knew it was an exciting time for him. Way to go for me to put a wet blanket over it all. But he was so fucking kind about it, so considerate, so understanding of my position and I think in one moment when Liam held my gaze and told me I’d be fine, something clicked.
I guess I always knew though.
“You know, sometimes, it’s a bit…” he paused to scratch the back of his head. It was uncanny of him to pause in the middle of a sentence because he always knew what to say. “It’s a bit to live up to, because I know you look up to me a bit, maybe, and I try to be that person you think I am, but I guess I want you to know before I leave that, I’m not all that, you know.”
But you are, I thought, and then kept it to myself. I just shook my head and smiled.
I guess I liked him a bit more than I expected.
One night, Liam didn’t come when he said he would.
It was supposed to be our last drive before he left tomorrow morning so I was getting anxious when I found myself still waiting for the sound of the pebble hitting my window at 4AM. That was much later than usual.
Liam only lived one block down the road, so I easily sneaked out and ran all the way there. I was a bit worried, because there had never been a time when Liam said he was coming and then didn’t, and didn’t make a call or anything. He was always reliable. It was easy to come to the conclusion that something must have happened.
I didn’t know what to do when I arrived at Liam’s front porch. It was 4AM and it wasn’t like I could ring the doorbell or anything. So I did what I knew best – picked up a few small rocks from the ground in their garden, making sure they wouldn’t cause a ruckus or break the window. Then I located Liam’s window at the side of the house on the second floor and began throwing to the best of my ability.
I threw two at a time, waited a bit before picking the rocks up (if I could still find them on the ground) and repeated the action. I was there doing that for five minutes before I stopped and took a break. I sat on the front porch and negative thoughts began to invade my mind. Things like what if Liam was injured or what if he was dead. I had to slap myself out of my stupidity because if something happened I would probably be notified by now. Maybe Liam forgot? But he never—
My trail of thought was interrupted by the front door opening and a gust of wind flew by me. I jumped up and – god – the sight before me almost made me cry.
Liam had seen better days. That was for sure.
I didn’t ask him what was wrong. I didn’t say anything. He opened the door for me, so I knew what to do.
Gently grabbing his hand, I led him back inside and opened the door to his garage. I took the keys that I knew were hidden in the cabinet and unlocked the car. Liam made his way to the driver’s seat but I gave him a small push and motioned for him to go to the passenger’s side. It was the first time I drove Liam’s car, but I felt like I knew it like the back of my hand.
We didn’t speak until we arrived at the beach. It was a bit windy on this night in August but we rolled down the windows and felt the breeze blow past us as we sat and stared at the waves.
“She broke up with me.”
His voice was quiet and a little bit shaky towards the end. I bit my lip and wondered what would be appropriate at this time. I’d never consoled someone with a broken heart before, never thought I would be in this position at all. But Liam looked like he was positively going to start crying at any moment and the fact that he had agreed to come out here with me instead of stay in bed was all I needed to know.
So I leaned over and pulled him into a hug as gently as I could. He laid his head on my shoulder and I pressed my cheek against his head, running my fingers through his hair as he sighed into the fabric of my shirt. I could feel the warmth of his breath fan over my skin through the cotton.
We were silent there for a moment, with only Liam’s breathing – a little heavier than usual – saturating the atmosphere. That was, until the most unexpected thing came out of Liam’s mouth. Never in a million years would I expect him to say such a thing, and I almost wanted to punch him for even considering the thought.
“I guess I’m just not good enough, huh?”
I held my breath and froze as though this would all be a dream if I waited long enough and I would wake up and the normal Liam would be back.
Frantically. “What are you saying – no Liam, you’re always—”
“I mean, I guess I just let Danielle down. I don’t know how, but I guess I did, and I wasn’t good enough for her so she broke up with me. And then tonight I let you down as well. I guess I just let everyone down.”
I tightened my arms around Liam and tried to gently massage his head, running my fingers through his hair as I did it. I hoped it helped calm him down. This wasn’t the Liam I knew. I was becoming more uneasy by the second.
“That’s not true Liam…”
He let out a bitter laugh. I shifted uncomfortably at hearing the sound – it was so sad, so hollow, it burned a hole through my chest.
“Nothing matters anymore, Nialler…”
The sky was dark, but it was even darker now.
“I think you were right. Maybe nothing’s worth trying for, because we don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”
I felt like someone just peed all over everything I had ever believed in, everything that was constant in my life that I thought I could rely on. Change was scary but I was okay with everything changing as long as I could hold on to one thing that I know would always be there – Liam’s optimism and spirit, opposite of mine, that always kept me wondering if there was something more in this world for me, even as I approach every day with a cautious cynicism.
But now that was suddenly gone, too, and I felt like I was dropped – dropped from the room of my mind. If my mind had four walls, a ceiling and a floor where all my thoughts swirled around, then all four walls suddenly disappeared and the floor opened. I was falling.
I think when you’re slipping off the edge like that your emergency instincts kick in and you try to salvage what you can.
So I shoved him.
He hit the door of the car and there was a loud thump followed by a pained hiss and a series of groans.
“Shut up,” I said quietly. My eyes narrowed and I felt anger rise up my chest. I was breathing harsher now. I didn’t know why I was so angry but I really was and at this moment I just wanted to punch Liam until he was back to normal again.
“Shut up,” I repeated, this time louder. Liam finally opened his eyes, a hand nursing the back of his head where he had connected violently with the window. I must have been glaring pretty hard because when our eyes met, Liam visibly flinched. My anger almost dissipated and I just wanted to go back to hugging him again, but then I got ahold of myself and realized what was going on.
Once that was clear, I wanted to deliver another hit, but stopped myself before I did and violently rammed my fist into the sofa instead.
“Fuck!”
Then there was only furious panting and glaring as I fixed my gaze back on Liam and attempted to calm down.
“Niall… I’m sorry, I—” He began to reach out to me but I slapped his hand away.
“Don’t you get it?” I interrupted. “You’re not irrelevant.”
His hand paused in midair as he processed what I just said. Then he looked down, his fringe covering his face briefly before looking up again, his facial expression completely changed. He looked amused now. He let out a small chuckle – that pissed me off to no end. “Niall, is that why you—”
Jesus christ!
“FUCK, Liam. Get off your pompous ass and look around will you? You, especially you, matter. You didn’t let anyone down…” I sighed and lowered my eyes, my voice coming out as a whisper now. I couldn’t hide my disappointment. “But you have now.”
I took a deep breath and looked around as if trying to find something that would tell me all the right things to say, but I found nothing, only the waves in the ocean as they washed peacefully onto the shore on this quiet night.
“I know you loved Danielle,” I said, barely noticing the tremor in my voice. I bit my lip and exhaled, casting my eyes down at my lap before meeting Liam’s gaze firmly. “But you need to realize that we all love you. So maybe she left, but you still have us and it’s not the end of the world.”
It really wasn’t.
When you’re young, everything feels like the end of the world.
“But you—I just, I don’t believe in anything, you know? But I believe in you, so…”
If even you didn’t believe in you then I’d be trapped.
“… so it’s just, you need to know that a lot of people love you and even though Danielle is gone you still have everyone else. You… you still have me. Even though I’m just me, and I’ll never be enough but—”
Oh god, word vomit, word vomit.
“I love you Liam, I think I love you a lot so don’t ever say you don’t matter because you matter to me—”
Oh shit. And that’s the part where I stop myself in the middle of the speech because I realized what the fuck I just said and how cheesy and fucking stupid it was because what the fuck, what the fuck was I saying?
Liam didn’t respond. I didn’t – couldn’t look at him. I tried to appear like I wasn’t panicking and that I hadn’t just let slip one of my better kept secrets. I tried to pretend I hadn’t just said what I had said. I turned on the car engine and began to back out of the parking space.
I could see Liam in the rearview mirror though. He didn’t look particularly shocked or anything. Maybe he took my confession as a platonic one. That could work for me. In fact that would be splendid. I just needed to pretend I hadn’t said anything and we could get on like before.
We didn’t speak the entire way during the drive home. I parked the car back in Liam’s garage and got out. All of this was done in silence until Liam suddenly materialized before me and pulled me into a tight hug – so tight I almost couldn’t breathe. But it was okay, because it was Liam.
“Thank you,” I heard him mumble into my neck. I could feel his lips move against my skin there and probably let out a gasp too loud to be played off as breathing. But if he noticed he didn’t mention it.
When he pulled away he had this small smile on his face – the one that was so typically Liam, so kind, so normal, that it made my heart jump at just sight of it. I was so lame.
“You looked a few years older back there,” he said to me. His little smile widened into the cute one where his eyes crinkled up, and I found myself returning it. I brought a hand up and absent-mindedly scratched the side of my face with my index finger. I could feel another blush coming, damn my genes for making me so pale. I’d probably glow in the dark.
He pulled me into another hug, this time running his hands through my hair and letting my head rest on his shoulder. I sighed happily into the fabric of his shirt. He still smelled of his herbal shampoo and lemony body wash and Liam – another thing that didn’t change.
The next time I heard the sound of pebbles knocking against my window was three months later on a clear night that reminded me of those other nights when we used to drive out to the sea, and, oh.
Liam had been gone for three months now. For the first month I had to constantly remind myself on the nights when normally Liam would be outside my porch, that he wouldn’t be there because he wasn’t around. But later on I would finally sleep properly at night without staying awake by habit waiting.
When I opened my curtains and saw Liam wave at me standing outside his car on the sidewalk, my heart nearly jumped out of my chest.
It had been a surprise.
“How come you’re back?” I asked as I walked towards Liam and the car with a bounce in my step.
He smiled and opened his arms. I didn’t even hesitate as Liam pulled me into a hug, pushing my body flush against his. For some reason it felt more intimate than usual, but maybe it was because we hadn’t seen each other in a while.
“It’s Friday, and I figured I could drive a few hours to come see you for the weekend… and visit the family.”
“Aw you’re sweet,” I said with a laugh.
“That I am,” he replied. I could feel his lips quirk against the skin on my neck and a light flush spread across the apples of my cheeks.
“Come on then,” he said as he pulled away and got into the driver’s seat. I got into the passenger seat myself and we drove off, stopping by the overnight burrito store in the shady neighborhood before arriving at the beach. Everything was the same, like three months hadn’t passed and like I had only seen Liam just yesterday. Nothing felt awkward at all and our silence was so comfortable I could almost bathe in it.
The beach was quiet as usual. I couldn’t even remember what we were laughing about. But just as the laughter died down to quiet giggles and twinkling eyes, Liam looked right at me and then reached out and took my hand into his. I stared at our joined hands for a moment before meeting his eyes and tilting my head a bit. I couldn’t figure out what the gesture meant but Liam’s hand was warm and it felt nice around mine.
He touched the side of my face with his other hand then, running his thumb over my cheek which I was pretty sure flushed apple red. I was frozen on the spot; the feeling of his hand on my face was so tender I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was going to have a heart attack when he began to lean in until our noses were touching and I could feel his breath on my lips. I could almost…
… but then he pinched my cheeks and pulled away, a smirk on his face as he ruffled my hair and let my head rest on his shoulder.
“So,” he began. I was too shocked to speak though, so I just kept silent as I waited for him to say something, anything about what had just happened. I mean… “Do you want to go somewhere this weekend?”
Oh…
“You mean…” I paused as my eyes widened at the sound of my voice, all breathless and dare I say love-struck. I really was the worst. How embarrassing. “You mean like a—” I felt myself swallow as I struggled to finish my sentence. Date.
“Date.”
Wait, did I say that out loud?
Wait. What. Oh.
I lifted my head off Liam’s shoulder and looked up at him to make sure he was the one who had just said that and not me. There was a glimmer in his eyes as he smiled down at me, fingers running through my hair and stroking my shoulder. If I could melt into a puddle right there I would.
“Yeah,” I responded, breathless and dazed. Yes, yesyesyesyes… yes.
“How about the theme park then?” he asked. He still had that little smile on his face, the one that was so natural and friendly and so utterly Liam that I could only nod dumbly as he chuckled at the bewilderment on my face.
When we drove back that night I couldn’t go back to sleep. We were meeting again at eleven to drive to the theme park. All I could think about was what I was going to wear and fuck I was going on a date with Liam Fucking Payne.
Then my thoughts took a turn as I thought about how all this wouldn’t have happened in this way if things had been slightly different. I thought about how I finally understood what Liam had meant when he said the smallest things we did changed the world in ways that were sometimes insignificant, but other times moved mountains. I suppose we were all a collection of changes that mattered then, because if nothing mattered then we wouldn’t be here and nothing would ever happen.
But this is all real. This all happened, so I suppose you really could say we’re all a product of the little things. When we’re young, everything feels like the end of the world. And yeah perhaps everything is insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but I suppose that’s what makes us who we are.