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Arthur was confessing his love to Merlin and Merlin felt worse than he ever had in his life.
His eyes focused on Arthur’s face, on the loving look in those blue eyes. He could feel the caress of Arthur’s hand on his cheek. He could also feel the knife in his hand behind Arthurs back. The knife about to plunge into and end the life of the man he loved desperately.
“I can’t hide it anymore Merlin. So I won’t, I’m the king after all.” Light practically shone from Arthur's face. “I don’t care anymore. I want you beside me. I want you with me for the rest of my life, you absolute idiot of a manservant.”
Merlin could feel the tears running down his face. Arthur likely attributed them to happiness, however they were anything but. The Fomorroh in his neck was sending the urges to his head. “Kill him,” Merlin thought to himself. “I want to kill him. I will stab him now.”
“Arthur!” Merlin gasped. “Listen to me, you need to--”
“I know, I know. Not the best time for a confession.” Arthur gave him the grin that made Merlin’s heart turn over every time. “But I can do what I want. King remember?” Arthur continued. “I love you and want you beside me. I’m not fighting it anymore. Unless you don’t feel the same?” The smile fell from Arthur's face.
“Arthur… I love…” Kill him. I want to kill him. Hurry this is my perfect chance.
As Arthur's face lit up, Merlin brought everything he was, all his feelings, all magic against the stabbing motion his hand was making. The knife cut through Arthur’s shirt and pricked his skin. Then it fell from Merlin’s hand and clattered to the floor of the hallway they stood in outside Arthur's chambers.
Merlin’s knees gave out from the sheer effort of breaking the curse. Even temporarily. The Fomorroh was still in his neck, but blessedly silent. He looked up with a smile into into Arthur’s wide blue eyes and their shocked and devastated look. The smile vanished.
“You just… Merlin, you were going to stab me?”
Merlin opened his mouth to explain but, at that moment, a metal fist hit his head and he collapsed, falling into darkness.
Arthur winced as Merlin was hit by his uncle. Which was ridiculous. Merlin had just tried to kill him. Merlin had gone the way of Morgana. Merlin had tried to kill him!
“Guards! Take this man to the dungeon!” Agravaine called. His black eyes met Arthur’s. “Are you alright, sire? I just learned of his alliance with Morgana! I am glad I got here in time.”
Arthur opened and closed his mouth a few times. Trying to make sense of what made no sense at all. Trying to make his mind believe what his own eyes had just seen. Merlin. Trying to kill him.
“I’ll be in my room uncle, thank you,” he stammered.
“Of course, sire.”
Arthur staggered into his room, slamming the door and falling onto his bed. It made no sense, nothing made any sense. But Merlin had tried to kill him.
It wasn’t until breakfast the next morning, served by George, that Arthur pulled himself out of a haze enough to put together the first discrepancy. Merlin served his breakfast every morning. Why hadn't he just poisoned his food? He was a physician's apprentice. There were much easier ways than a knife. Merlin could be an idiot… but surely not that much! In fact, Merlin had had countless chances before to kill him!
Morgana had too before she turned, he reminded himself. Still, when the execution warrant came to his desk, he shoved it away.
While training over the next few days, Arthur went over it again and again in his head. What did Morgana offer him? Why a knife? And why had he dropped it? It was almost like he hadn’t wanted the assassination to work. As he punched the bag of sand held in place by the hapless George, Arthur came to the conclusion that Merlin had not wanted to kill him but had tried anyway. After all he had been crying, trying to tell him something. Had Morgana threatened his mother? Or Gaius? Arthur barely noticed when he punched the bag of sand so hard it fell over.
As his uncle talked to him about needing to carry out the sentence in the council meeting, Arthur tuned him out just as he tuned out everything else. He had realized that Merlin likely was guilty. Arthur was just making excuses for him in his head because he couldn’t bear to be betrayed again. Especially by Merlin. The man he loved. The man who tried to kill him.
He left the council in a haze.
Arthur couldn’t sign the death warrant. He couldn’t make himself do it. It didn't matter his uncle was furious and reminded him constantly that this was a sign of weakness. Arthur could not sign a paper that would mean Merlin’s death. He agreed not to visit Merlin as Agravaine insisted to appease his uncle. But he could not kill Merlin.
He needed to go see him. He realized about a week after the assasination attempt. It was the only way he was going to get answers. It was what he needed to do. Arthur was scared however. Because if Merlin had actually wanted to kill him and decided to tell him so, Arthur did not know what he would do.
Another day and Arthur decided to go visit him anyway. It was a relief almost having that settled. He turned from his place staring out the window of his bedroom and opened the door to the hallway to find Gaius standing there about to knock.
That wasn’t surprising. He had been avoiding Gaius after all. It figured the man would eventually come to the one place he was sure Arthur would not be able to avoid him.
“Sire, before you attempt to avoid me by throwing yourself out the window or the like, there is something you need to see.”
As Gaius held out a partly burned black snake head, Arthur looked down at it and back to the physician in confusion.
“Sire, this is a Fomorroh. Implanted in the neck of its victim, it controls their thoughts and makes them obey the summoner’s will. When I went to visit Merlin a few days ago, he gave this to me and explained that Morgana put it into his neck and ordered him to kill you while he was missing. He managed to break the spell, however. Just before he could kill you.”
“This is absurd!” Agravaine walked up behind Gaius. It was not surprising he was here either. He was likely to try to convince Arthur to kill Merlin again. “Gaius is fond of the boy and has come up with this to save him. Sire, we knew there was a traitor. Now we know who it is. Gaius has revealed himself!”
“I am no traitor, Lord Agravaine,” Gaius insisted. “Though I do agree there is one very close to the crown.”
The guard Agravaine brought with him looked to Arthur for orders. Arthur’s mind, however, was on one thing and one thing only. He flapped a hand at the guards. “Don’t do anything. I’m going to see Merlin.”
His Merlin was innocent, Merlin had never wanted to kill Arthur! It was all a misunderstanding! Arthur could hear Agravaine’s “Sire no!'' behind him as he rushed down the stairs toward the dungeon two at a time.
Relief filled him as he approached the dungeons, nearly overwhelming him completely. Merlin was innocent.
He rushed past guards to the closed off cell that held Merlin. He hoped that Merlin would forgive him. Arthur had a tentative smile on his face as he opened the door to the cell. “Merlin!”
Then Arthur started screaming. The man he loved, his Merlin, hung by the neck, dangling limp from a rope tied to the roof of the cell.
“MERLIN NO!” Time seemed to stand still. No. He had to be alright; he would be alright. Merlin would be alright..
Arthur drew his sword, cutting the rope and catching Merlin’s limp body tenderly as it fell. A dagger made quick work of the tight rope around Merlin’s neck as Arthur screamed for the guards to get Gaius.
Laying the other man gently on the ground, Arthur desperately checked for signs of life. His fingers flew from Merlin's neck, to chest, to mouth. Because there had to be signs of life, because Merlin had to be okay. He had to be.
Merlin wasn’t breathing. His heart was not beating. His body was cold and pale. He was dead.
Except that couldn’t be… Arthur would not let it be!
If Merlin's heart was not beating, Arthur would make it. He slammed his hands down on the other man’s chest repeatedly out of sheer desperation. He didn’t know if this would do anything. But Merlin's heart had to beat. It had to. Arthur would make it.
If Merlin would not breathe, Arthur would make him do that too. He pinched the other man's nose and blew air into his lungs until he saw his chest rise. Sheer desperation guiding him again.
He switched between doing both, not stopping his desperate attempts to bring Merlin back to him even as Gaius entered the dungeon.
“Merlin!” Gaius knelt next to the prone figure, desperately pouring potions down the lifeless man’s throat.
Arthur watched each one, hoping, praying.
“It's too late,” Gaius sounded broken.
“No.” Arthur could not accept that.
“It’s too late sire…”
“No!” Arthur lost track of the time as he desperately tried to bring life back to a man that, according to his court physician, was long gone.
Finally, hours later, exhausted and hopeless, he scooted roughly back against the wall of the cell. Merlin wasn’t coming back, Merlin was gone. The world had turned into the worst of hells. Arthur could feel himself breaking. He was sure there was no way to feel worse than he did right now.
That was until Gaius started reading the letter, the letter he found hidden in Merlin’s coat pocket.
" I'm sorry, Gaius. I couldn't fight it much longer. I could feel it, growing back again, trying to control me and I couldn't let it, not again. I would rather cut off my own arms and legs and burn in the pyre a thousand times than hurt Arthur, much less kill him. I won't go through that nightmare again. Please tell him I love him too, that I never meant to do it. I love him more than I love myself. But if he doesn't believe you, if he hates me forever, it's alright. I don't blame him, so don't blame him either. Keep protecting him, please. Especially from Agravaine. I love you, Merlin ".
No. No. No. No. Arthur could feel his heart breaking into a thousand pieces. He could feel the world closing in on him, the fire inside burning him as he sobbed. There were no words for this torment. Nothing he could do to express his shame and guilt. Nothing he could do for the pain that filled him as completely as the relief had just hours before. Merlin was gone, and it was his fault. Nothing mattered. Except...
He looked up at Gaius. "Why did Merlin tell you to protect me from my uncle?”
Arthur could see the physician hesitating. So he spoke. “I’m the king, Gaius. I order you to tell me.”
"Merlin believed he was the traitor, sire," Gaius finally told him.
Anger rushed through Arthur's mind as he took a moment to gather himself. "And you believe that too?"
There was a moment of silence and then Gaius responded.
"I gave Merlin the paper, quill, and ink; he said he wanted to write a message for you that I would deliver later. I was a fool, I should have known." Gaius paused again before continuing. "But I wonder... where did he get the rope?"
Agravaine. Arthur realized it could only have come from Agravaine. He could feel the fury fill him, as cold as ice and as hot as fire.
Arthur stood and moved to the guards. “Did my uncle ever visit Merlin?”
“Yes,” one of them told him. “We couldn’t hear what they were saying, but it sounded like a threat.”
Agravaine. Agravaine was the traitor. Agravaine gave Merlin the rope. Agravaine was the reason Arthur’s Merlin was now gone.
Arthur grabbed his sword from where he had thrown it aside and stood wordlessly. He took one last look at Merlin’s dead body and then charged up the steps.
Arthur found Agravaine in his rooms as he threw open the door.
“Arthur, what is it?” His uncle turned from adjusting his shirt in front of a mirror.
“It's you. You’re the traitor. You gave Merlin the rope,” he accused in a voice much calmer than he felt.
“You can’t seriously think that, Arthur!” Agravaine blustered.
Arthur moved his sword, pointing the tip at the unarmed man’s throat, no longer caring if he was unarmed. No longer caring that this was not the honorable way.
"Fine. Fine. You killed my sister. You and your father. You were so easy to fool!" Agravaine actually laughed.
Arthur looked at his uncle, a man he once loved.
"What did you tell Merlin?”
Agravaine laughed again. "I just offered him a less painful way to die."
Those became his last words as Arthur ran his uncle though. He felt nothing as he did it. Absolutely nothing. Then the pain came rushing in again. This was Arthur's fault as much as it was his uncle’s. He had let Merlin be taken to a cell. He had refrained from visiting the man he had claimed to be in love with. If he had just gone to visit instead of listening to his uncle…
Arthur’s legs gave out beneath him and he fell to the floor. He was overwhelmed by the awareness of what he had done. Merlin had died thinking Arthur hated him. Arthur had let him believe that. Merlin had died trying to protect Arthur. Merlin had died alone.
He adjusted the grip on his sword, pointing it to his heart. It would be an awkward position, but no matter. No matter.
Arthur heard the door fly open behind him and went to press the blade forward before whoever it was could stop him. The sword tore from his hand and flew across the room.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU DOLLOP HEAD?” The voice he thought he would never hear again was full of panic as it screamed.
Arthur whirled around. Merlin stood in the doorway, his eyes no longer blue but a steady gold that spoke of magic. Somehow the magic bit did not matter because Merlin stood in the doorway.
If magic had helped him be like this– alive, and staring at Arthur like he wanted to kill him for being so stupid– Arthur was prepared to accept magic.
Merlin ran into the room, falling to his knees, skidding forward, and throwing his arms around Arthur. “Are you mad!? Arthur, what were you thinking!”
“Merlin,” Arthur managed to stammer. His hand remained by his side for a moment as he processed his shock.
Then Arthur hugged Merlin back, holding his sorcerer's thin bony body against himself tightly as if he would never let go. “Merlin.” Arthur buried his face in the sorcerer's hair “Merlin…. What happened? How are you…”
“It was my magic,” Merlin replied, with his face near Arthur's neck. “It just put me on the verge of death and the Fomorroh left thinking I was dead. I was probably dead, almost. I think the magic is still healing me… that's why my eyes are glowing like this. I would be dead otherwise.”
Arthur felt ridiculously grateful Merlin had magic.
"But you didn't plan that, did you? You actually tried to kill yourself." It came out as an accusation, but the person Arthur was mad at was himself. His heart was no longer shattered into a thousand pieces, but it was broken that he had pushed Merlin to that
"It was the only way I could think of-"
Arthur cut him off. "Never, Merlin." His voice was deadly serious. "Never do that again.”
"I can't promise you that." Merlin's voice was also serious.
There was only one thing Arthur could think of, one thing that would stop his self-sacrificial sorcerer.
"Then any harm you do to yourself, I'll do to myself."
"You can't do that!" Merlin pulled back in his arms, golden eyes wide. "You are the king! Camelot is nothing without you! You have a kingdom-"
"Our kingdom, Merlin!” Arthur practically shouted, shaking Merlin lightly. “We built it together and it's nothing without you either."
"I'm just a servant, an illegal warlock now. My life doesn't matter compared to yours. I’ve tried to tell you-"
And that just confirmed it to Arthur. His warlock was a self-sacrificial idiot that really needed to be taught to value his own life. That might take time, but they had time now.
"Don't ever say that again!" Arthur shook Merlin, holding him in his arms. "You're the most valuable person in this world to me! The one I trust with my life." Arthur could feel the tears falling from his eyes even as he spoke, because he had almost lost that person. He had almost lost Merlin to his own stupidity. Perhaps they were both idiots.
"But.. I lied to you. I even tried to kill you," Merlin stammered as his eyes searched Arthur’s face.
“So?” Arthur asked. “I give you my royal permission and pardon.”
"Arthur-" Merlin began.
Arthur shook his sorcerer again. "No. I just got a glimpse of what a life without you would be and I won't live like that again. Not even for a moment. I can't lose you again".
"I can't lose you either." Merlin started to cry as well. "My magic, everything I am, is yours. It has always been yours".
Arthur caressed the cheek of his warlock before pulling him to his chest again.
"Then let me take care of what is mine." Arthur leaned in and pressed his lips to the sorcerers. Their first kiss was not necessarily tender, or passionate. It was more desperate, born of pure and simple need. Need to have Merlin here. Need to be able to hold him, to kiss him. Need to know Merlin was here to kiss him back in return. Arthur kissed the other man thoroughly and then kissed him again for good measure.
Merlin eventually broke the kiss, pulling back. “I’m sorry. Gods, my eyes won't stop glowing!” He moved a hand to cover his own eyes, and Arthur could see him starting to speak again.
The king pulled Merlin's hand away. “Don’t. They are beautiful.”
Merlin smiled at him slightly. “You know I can think of a few anti-magic nobles who will not think the same.”
“You don’t have to worry about that,” Arthur told him. “Not anymore.”
The next day, magic was declared legal in Camelot by a very happy king and his new fiance and court sorcerer.