Chapter Text
Ratio was beyond pissed off. He stomped through the halls of the Intelligencia Guild’s Medical Research Center, paying no mind to who or what was in his way. This behavior was unbecoming of his position, but he didn’t care. He needed to see a specific person.
Rare diseases were often hard to do research on, not only due to how hard finding a person suffering from them was, but often, the funding simply did not exist. The IPC would rather fund slight upgrades to their resource extraction machines than research a disease that one percent of one percent of people will ever experience. So a new case study was a rarity. A rare form of Null Syndrome. Null Syndrome was said to be caused by travelers passing too close to a tendril of the Nihility, IX. Those afflicted felt a sense of despair without cause, profound apathy to things that once were meaningful to them, their senses and emotions were dulled, and in some cases, the body continued to function without what some would call a soul. However, those were in the most extreme of normal cases.
This was an extreme of an extreme.
Ratio slammed the door to the patient’s room open. Inside, a familiar face, sitting in a chair looking out the window, turned and smiled at him.
“Doctor Ratio!” Aventurine said. “Do you like my new place?”
Ratio slammed the thick stack of papers down on the small table beside him, clattering a half empty plate of steak and potatoes. “What is the meaning of this?”
Aventurine sighed exaggeratedly and rolled his eyes. “It means what it means. You’re the one with all the fancy degrees, surely you can make sense of it.”
Ratio pointed to a highlighted word. Terminal. “You know what this means, don’t you?”
“I don’t. Explain it to me.”
“This means you’re going to die.”
“Yeah? And?”
“You have Null Syndrome, but rather than the disease itself robbing you of your will to live, you’ve already lost it. So the Nihility…will steal your life away. You’ll fade into nothing but space dust, and die.”
Ratio crumpled the first page of the paper in his hand. He was furious. At the universe, at Aventurine, at the IPC, but most of all, at himself. How could he have missed the signs? Why couldn’t he have done something sooner?
“Why do you care?”
Ratio wanted to slap Aventurine across the face, scream at him for throwing his life away for nothing, but he only took a deep breath. Anger was not the solution. “Why don’t you?”
“I died a long time ago. Everything after has just been bonus. I knew it was a matter of time before the free ride was over. I just didn’t expect it so soon.”
Ratio looked out the window along with Aventurine. Down below, researchers seemed like ants, scuttling around from anthill to anthill. The marble whites of the buildings reflected the light of the distant sun.
“Why?”
Aventurine groaned. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me!”
“It shouldn’t.” Aventurine turned away. “Just because we’ve worked together once or twice, I really shouldn’t be anyone important to you. You can go on your merry way and forget I ever existed. You’ll lose absolutely nothing.”
“That’s not how I see it.”
Aventurine glanced back at him, then sighed. “Feel however you want, it doesn’t change anything.”
“What about your job?”
Aventurine snorted. “Fired me as soon as I got the diagnosis. Well, they called it a ‘retirement party,’ but I got the impression I could either leave willingly or unwillingly. They already had someone lined up to replace me, slimy bastards.”
“I want to help you.”
“You and every other medical researcher with something to prove has tried to cure me. It’s not going to happen. I refuse to be used to springboard someone’s career.”
“I don’t need to prove anything, Aventurine.” Ratio walked in front of his chair, getting down on his knees, looking up at him. “Can you at least let me try convincing you that life is worth living?”
Aventurine laughed. “You’re the first person that’s begged! Fine, but only because it’s you. Just letting you know, it’s not going to work.”
“A chance is all I need.”
From then on, Ratio visited Aventurine every day he could, bringing something new, an activity, a gift, a treat, anything he could think of to help Aventurine feel even a little that he could keep living. The gambler seemed amused by his repeated attempts to get him to want to live. He wasn’t rejecting them, at least.
On a sunny afternoon, the two played a game of cards, using pieces of candy as chips.
“I wish actual money was on the table, but I’ll take what I can get,” Aventurine said, dealing out two cards each, then flipping over a seven of hearts.
Ratio looked in his hand. A king of spades and a two of diamonds. A junk hand. He tried to control his expression.
Aventurine smiled wide. “Does the doctor have an absolutely garbage hand?”
Ratio sputtered. “You don’t know that for certain!”
“When you gamble enough, you learn to watch others just as much as your own hand.” Aventurine pushed two pieces of pink candy to the center of the table. “How do I look to you?”
“Confident.” Ratio matched his bet with two pink candies of his own.
“Are you sure? You could fold and minimize your losses. Play it safe, like I know you want to.”
A new card was revealed. A two of spades.
“I know you wouldn’t have fun if I did.”
“Oh? So everything is for my sake? I didn’t ask you to do that, y’know. You’re deciding what’s best for me on your own.” Aventurine pushed two pink candies and a blue candy to the center. “Don’t you think that’s a little arrogant of you?”
“I don’t mean to…” Ratio sighed, folding. “You win this round.”
“Thank you very much, Doctor~” Aventurine revealed his cards, a jack of clubs and an ace of diamonds, then scooped up the candy pieces along with the dealt cards.
“How’s the medication they’ve prescribed you?” Ratio asked, trying to change the subject.
“Bitter. I don’t like it one bit.”
“You’re at least taking it, though.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m taking it. Might as well prolong my inevitable death as much as possible.” Aventurine shuffled the deck, expertly moving cards from hand to hand. “Let’s make things more interesting. If I win this round, you have to do something I want, if you win, I’ll do something you want. Do those terms sound fair?”
Ratio scowled. “I’m not interested in escalating this game beyond exchanging pieces of candy.”
Aventurine whined. “You’re no fun! I wanna have higher stakes! I don’t get any thrill like this! Every day is so boring, I wanna get out and bet hard! I wanna put what little life I have left on the line!”
Ratio chose to ignore the last statement. “Are you a child?”
“Dunno. Maybe I am. Maybe I never quite got to be a child because I was too busy being a prisoner, a slave of the IPC. Now I’m making up for it by irritating you. I wonder how much poking and prodding you’ll take before you get sick of me.”
Two cards slid in front of Ratio. He didn’t pick them up. “I’m not going to give up on you, Aventurine.”
Aventurine sighed. “There’s no point. I’ll be dead soon anyway.” He turned over a card, a ten of hearts. With a slight glance at his hand, he pushed two blue candies to the center, then looked up at his opponent.
Ratio pushed all of his candies towards the center. “All in.”
Aventurine’s eyes glinted with amusement. “Without looking at your cards? That’s a bold move, Doctor.”
“If it’ll convince you how serious I am about this…about you…it’s a worthwhile gamble.”
Aventurine burst into laughter. “That’s the corniest thing I’ve ever heard you say! Ratio, have you lost your mind?”
“I am quite sane, I can assure you.”
“I know you are. You don’t hide anything, or rather, you’ve never needed to. So I can tell.” Aventurine placed his cards on the table, a ten of spades and a ten of clubs. “I fold. You win. I’ll do anything you ask.”
“I told you we aren’t-” Ratio let out a sigh of frustration. “If you’re going to insist, then I’ll ask you this; will you allow me to take you on a trip? Perhaps getting out of this room will aid in your recovery.”
“Fine, but it’s still not going to work.” Aventurine unwrapped a candy and popped it in his mouth. “What flavor is this?”
“It’s strawberry. Why?”
“I can’t taste it.”
Walking off the ship docking yard, Ratio immediately felt a warm breeze, tinged with the smell of saltwater, hit his face. Aventurine, wearing a thin flower patterned shirt and a large straw hat ran forward and turned around with a big smile.
“It’s been forever since I’ve stepped foot in Atlantica VII. Hopefully I don’t get thrown out like last time,” he joked. “Let’s say we hit the tables first, okay? I’m itching for some fun!”
Ratio scowled. “Once again, the research grant for this trip is not to be gambled away. We don’t have very much to begin with.”
“I know, I know. Still, if you let me, I know I could double it.”
Atlantica VII was a moon which had been terraformed by the IPC into a sprawling beachside resort. It was a well-known destination among IPC workers and Intelligencia Guild members, as the megacorp offered deals on trips for both groups. Though staying there was relatively cheap when compared to destinations such as Penacony, the resort was designed to suck as many credits from its occupants as possible. Those who lost everything often were forced into becoming resort staff to pay off their debts. A vicious cycle of debt and servitude, which the IPC advertised as the perfect getaway for their own people. This earned it the nickname the Ouroboros for the way it caught people in a debt loop.
A short distance walk from the docking bay was the large hotel, sprawling in all directions like a giant wall with windows. Past set of sliding double doors, the reception area lay. Beyond it, large windows showing off the beach beyond. Ratio walked to one of the open front desks and pulled out the card for research funds.
“Two single rooms for a week, please,” he asked.
The receptionist took the card and began typing. “I’m sorry, this amount won’t cover two rooms for that time frame.”
“But that was the price advertised.”
“Single occupant rooms are in high demand, so prices have been adjusted, we’re sorry for any inconvenience.”
Ratio scratched his head. “How many days will it cover?”
“Three, sir, for two single rooms. If you and your partner are willing to take a two occupant room, this amount of money will cover a week.”
Before Ratio could sputter out that they were not a couple, Aventurine moved in. “I’m so sorry about my fiancé, he’s just so frazzled from wedding planning, I’m sure you know how it is!”
Ratio shot Aventurine a look, who looked back as if to say let me handle this.
“Oh! Congratulations to you both,” the receptionist said, relaxing somewhat. “Wedding planning can be quite stressful, I empathize completely.” Sure enough, there was a wedding band on her hand.
“He’s so scatterbrained, he tried to book separate rooms for us again! His parents are so strict about what we can and can’t do before marriage, and they’ve been in his ear while we’re trying to plan, it’s just awful!” Aventurine put a hand over his head for effect. “I suggested we get away for a little vacay, just the two of us. So, would we be able to book the couple’s room? With the two person hot tub? I know we’re not married yet but…” He let out a small giggle. “I just can’t wait.”
Ratio put on his plaster head. He was not playing along with this rouse! Especially not pretending they were some engaged couple with overbearing conservative parents.
“We’re actually running a deal for couples! The package comes with basic amenities plus couple’s activity coupons, along with free access to the minibar,” the receptionist said cheerily. “For your trouble, I can apply a slight discount.”
“Oh, that’s just perfect! I know we’ll have the most amazing time here this week, won’t we dear?”
Ratio didn’t respond, only crossing his arms.
“He’s still so shy about being affectionate in public. His parents were not very emotionally available, so it’s been hard for him to come out of his shell.”
With the single room paid for the week, Ratio retrieved the card and a set of key cards for their room.
Once at the elevators and out of view of the reception desk, Ratio grabbed Aventurine’s floral shirt.
“I didn’t agree to this for you to embarrass me,” he hissed. “What even was that? Engaged? We aren’t even in a relationship!”
“Relax. I just put us under budget. Surely that means there’s extra money I can take to the casino with me, right?” Aventurine said with a sly smile.
Ratio groaned. “As long as you don’t lose more than we have.” He let go of Aventurine and handed over the card with their research funds.
Aventurine snatched the card, straightening his shirt. “Thank you very much.”
The elevator dinged, and the two rode it up to the sixty-sixth floor. After a small walk through labyrinthine halls of doors and eerie silence, they came to their room; six thousand six hundred and sixty seven.
Aventurine clicked his tongue. “One off.”
“Is having a certain room number that important to you?” Ratio said, opening the door to their couple’s suite.
“It doesn’t really matter, it’s already got three lucky numbers. That other room, it’s more for one-night rendezvous, if you know what I mean. I’ve made use of it a couple times…before they banned me, of course.”
Ratio walked in, his ears burning. “I don’t need to know about your sexual escapades.”
“Why? Are you surprised? Disgusted? Maybe you’re curious. Or maybe…” Aventurine took Ratio’s hand and pressed it against his chest. “…you’re jealous someone else claimed me before you?”
Ratio turned to argue, but whatever retort he had couldn’t make it past his lips. This was what he did to survive. Indulging in vices, using his own body as a bargaining chip, anything to survive another day. Even in the face of his death, he couldn’t let go of his instinct.
Aventurine’s face twisted into a grimace. “Oh. I see. You feel sorry for me. ” He tore his hand away as if burned. “I don’t need any of your worthless pity. It makes my skin crawl, knowing you see me as some wet kicked puppy.”
“No, that’s not what I was thinking!” Ratio reached for Aventurine, but he was already heading back towards the door. “Please, hold on for a second!”
“You’re not going to stop me from going down and gambling, so just quit it!”
“…at least take a key card with you.”
Aventurine’s angry expression softened to something still stern, but tinged with uncertainty. Ratio handed him one of their two key cards, which he snatched. With another glance, he left.
Ratio sighed as the door shut loudly. Chasing Aventurine was a pointless endeavor, especially when he got in a mood. He turned his attention to his and Aventurine’s bags, his own a smart black travel bag with all necessities organized within to use all the space available, Aventurine’s was essentially an oversized duffel bag packed to almost bursting. Ratio opened the bag, the contents spilling out all over the bed. Unfolded clothes, all wrinkled from being squeezed into a small container. He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. He swore he remembered Aventurine having a more organized bag on their last joint business trip.
But that was when Aventurine was “Aventurine of the Many Stratagems,” a high ranking IPC worker with an image to maintain.
This Aventurine had nothing. No status, no image, no airs to put on, nothing.
Ratio began to take articles of clothing out, organizing them by type, ironing the large articles of clothing, and folding everything. When he got to the bottom of it all, he only found a keepsake made of gold and a dirty rag. No toiletries. He grumbled to himself. How much had Aventurine given up on himself?
He picked up the dirty rag. The edges were well worn, softened beyond even the finest of silks, but delicate. Even the slightest tension would tear it apart. The gold keepsake had obvious and apparent value, but the rag had something that couldn’t be seen on the outside; sentimental value. Ratio considered taking a strand of fiber, perhaps to analyze and identify its origin, or even replace it but he stopped himself. He didn’t need a computer to tell him what he already knew in his gut. A replacement fabric would simply piss Aventurine off. He gently placed the rag and the keepsake in the hotel’s safe.
He repacked Aventurine’s clothes in his bag, now magically not bursting at the seams, and turned his attention to his own bag. He pulled out a large tome; IX the Nihility: What is Known, and What is Null.
He wandered out to the balcony. A bubble-shaped window kept the wind from whipping him and the distant sun from burning him, and kept his oxygen level steady. Being a moon, the artificial atmosphere could only reach so high. Even on the sixty-sixth floor, the blue sky faded into deep purple space. He sat on one of the two lounge chairs and began to read.
Time passed quickly as he absorbed all there was to know about IX. The beach below went from bright white to purple, illuminated by dots of artificial lights and bonfires. The faint sound of music traveled high along with multicolored lights. Glancing down, Ratio could see it coming from a stage, barely visible specks moving out of sync with the music as he could hear it. He toggled the mute button on his bubble window.
That was when a passage caught his eye.
Those that stray too close to THEM will fall into a state of profound apathy, accepting THEIR truth and blessing, willingly giving up their form and becoming “Null.” The process is painless and quick for those who accept. For those who cling to life, they may live full and happy lives after, but never forget the feeling of “nothingness.” Others who remain experience an ego death, but the flesh remains intact. Those who cannot decide drag their nullification out, tearing their own body apart atom by atom, slowly and painfully, until their ultimate demise.
The door to the room slammed open.
“Ratio! I had so much fun…I won so much…” Aventurine said between laughs. “I’ve really missed it, this feeling.”
Ratio closed his book and went inside to find Aventurine, his floral shirt in tatters and his skin a mess of bruises. His nose was smeared with crusty blood, and his sunglasses were crooked.
Ratio dropped his book. “What have you gotten yourself into this time, damn gambler!?” He rushed up to him, inspecting his wounds. “Are you drunk? Why would you let yourself get hurt like this?”
“Drunk? I’m one-hundred percent stone cold sober, Doctor. I was winning, raking in towers of chips when some guy decided I was cheating. I guess he was some hot shot gangster because all of a sudden I had five guys surrounding me! The security didn’t even step in when I was obviously the victim!” Aventurine whined, trying to make light of his situation.
“You know as well as I do that you could have defended yourself. Therefore, you let it happen. Go to the bathroom while I retrieve my first aid kit.”
Aventurine sighed, but did as instructed. “You’re right, I could have easily defended myself. Perceptive as always, Doctor.”
“I can’t help but wonder if you enjoy putting yourself in these situations. Tell me, are you a masochist?”
“I don’t know, maybe we should establish a safe word before I tell you.”
Ratio felt his face burn. “I am not in the mood to banter with you.” He walked into the bathroom where Aventurine was sitting on the closed toilet, waiting for him. He opened his small first aid kit. “Take off your clothes.”
“How bold! I’ll do it, only because it’s you.” With a little wink, Aventurine stripped off his shirt and pants. “Be gentle with me, it’s my first time-“
“We’ve done this how many times and you always make the same joke, doesn’t it get old?”
“Maybe, but your reaction never changes, so I keep making it.”
As Ratio inspected each and every bruise, he noticed Aventurine’s phony smile relax into a neutral expression, maybe even a frown. His eyes seemed to stare off into nothingness, not focused on Ratio or anything in particular. When he stood up, the smile was back on his face.
“What’s my diagnosis, Doctor?” Aventurine asked.
“The good news is that nothing is broken. The bad news is that you’re definitely going to ache tomorrow.” Ratio sighed. “I wish you’d stop doing this so often.”
“Don’t worry, you won’t have to deal with me for much longer. I just wanted to feel a little rush before I go, y’know? It makes me feel alive. Well, it used to.”
“That was another thing I wanted to discuss with you. About your…condition.”
“I told you before, this is what I want and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to change-”
“You actually want to live, don’t you?”
Aventurine laughed and opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He chuckled again, less sure, but still couldn’t find the words.
“People that can’t decide whether they want to resist the pull of Nihility or give in, they experience a long, drawn out death. That’s what’s happening to you, isn’t it?”
Aventurine’s smile fell. He leaned to one side, then another. “…it’s frustrating. I’m so tired, but I’ve always lived this way. I don’t know what else to do.”
“You can choose to live.”
“Nobody wants that.”
“I want that.”
Aventurine chuckled softly. “You’re a doctor, I’m sure you want all your patients to survive.”
“What about you?”
“…I don’t know. If I knew, I wouldn’t be tearing myself apart over it.”
Ratio felt a wave of anger pass through him. Not at Aventurine, but at himself for being so useless.
Aventurine looked up at him, his head tilted so that his hair covered part of his face. “Is this what you wanted to see? Myself, like this. It’s a rare sight, but because it’s you, I don’t mind.”
“No. I don’t like it.”
“If you want honesty, you’re going to have to get used to it.”
“I think you’re lying to me.”
“All Sigonians are liars, aren’t they?”
“You’re distancing yourself from your emotions. You think that if you act like you don’t care, then it’ll hurt less. You think that if you keep saying you want to die, it’ll actually happen. So I think you’re lying to me, and to yourself.”
Aventurine shot an irritated look at Ratio. “Oh, so you can tell me how I feel? I might not have education or degrees like you do, but I know myself. I’m not lying. There’s no point in lying anymore! I have nothing left!”
“Aventurine…”
“Stop calling me that! Aventurine doesn’t exist anymore! I’m just-” Aventurine stopped, then began to laugh. “Are you trying to get me angry? Is this your plan? Getting me all riled up so I have to feel something! It won’t work.”
“I don’t know, it seems to be working to me.”
Aventurine stood up. “You-” Before he could get anything else out, his legs buckled beneath him and he collapsed into Ratio’s arms. He gripped onto him like a lifeline as hard as he could.
“Are you okay? What seems to be the problem?” Ratio said, panicked. “Describe your symptoms as best you can.”
“I don’t know…I just got up too fast and got lightheaded. It happens sometimes when I don’t eat, it’s not that big of a deal.”
The shaking of Aventurine’s hands against Ratio’s strong biceps told a different story.
“You haven’t eaten?” Ratio’s voice was tinged with frustration.
“…I forget sometimes. Is that a crime? I’ve lost my ability to taste so everything is just texture and smell, and now I think I’m losing smell. It’s not appealing anymore.”
Ratio hoisted Aventurine into his arms and brought him over to their bed. Once he’d gently thrown the gambler onto the soft mattress, it occurred to him how easy it was to identify each bruise on his body. He was so pale, every discoloration stood out.
“You’ve lost taste and smell as a result of your Null Syndrome,” Ratio said.
“I mean, I can’t imagine any other reason,” Aventurine said, his tone flat. “I don’t really feel like eating anything, Doctor, can’t I just go to sleep?”
“Unfortunately, you have to.” Ratio pulled a nutritional snack bar out of his bag and threw it at Aventurine. “Eat this.”
“I thought you were going to make me some sort of warm oatmeal and feed it to me.”
“Is that what you want?”
“No, this is fine. It would be weird if you fed me like that.” Aventurine opened the wrapper and slowly began to eat. “You’re not a caretaker, you’re a doctor.”
Ratio sat on the end of the bed. “Do you want to be taken care of?”
“Huh? No way. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. That’s how I’ve lasted this long.”
Though his words were laced with bitterness, Aventurine’s eyes were filled with longing. He finished the entire nutritional bar, then made a sour expression.
“…I’m still hungry,” he admitted, quietly. “I want a hot meal.”
“I can call in room service.”
“Mmm. Okay.”
As he called for meals to be delivered to their room, Ratio kept watching Aventurine from the corner of his eye. He seemed deflated, a far cry from the upbeat and always affable act he always seemed to put on. But something didn’t quite add up in Ratio’s head. Was this an attempt to push him away? Or a cry for help? He needed to gather more information.
Almost as soon as he ordered it, the food arrived in two small boxes. Ratio unpacked them on the small desk in the room, sitting on the rolling chair.
“Do you want to come over here and eat?”
Aventurine grumbled. “Don’t have the energy to get up.”
“Then you’d like me to feed you?”
“I didn’t say that!”
“Then come over here.”
“…”
Ratio sighed, grabbing Aventurine’s meal, a small bowl of soup and noodles. Rolling over to his side, he gently scooped some of the soup into a spoon. “Open your mouth.”
Aventurine’s face turned pink. “This is embarrassing.”
“I’m not going to sleep in a soup-soaked bed. If you can’t or won’t get up, this is the only compromise.”
With a pout, Aventurine opened his mouth and accepted the soup. “It’s warm. Kind of like…no, it’s not the same.”
Ratio fed Aventurine another spoonful. “Like what?” He said, softly.
“…on Sigonia, my sister would make us ‘bread and soup’ on cold nights. The bread was stale, with rotted pieces cut off. The soup…it was hot water and salt. But it was what we had. I still remember how warm it made me feel.”
“Do you miss her? Do you miss Sigonia?”
“I don’t like to think about it. Sometimes it’s best if dead things lie where they are, y’know? If I dwell on it too long, it’ll swallow me whole.”
“The past?”
“You’re so clever, Doctor. Tell me, what’s your hourly rate for psychiatric services?”
“You decided to share that information with only the smallest of pushes. I feel as if you wanted to share it with me.”
“Maybe I’m trying to make you pity me.”
“I think you’re lonely and afraid.”
“If I were lonely, I could just find someone to spend the night with. Anyone at all.” Aventurine turned away from the awaiting bowl of soup, now half empty. “I’m full now, thanks.”
Ratio rolled back to the small desk to eat his own food. Aventurine got up eventually, going to the bathroom to shower. Once he was done, Ratio did the same. Though he usually enjoyed a nice long soak in a bath, he felt as if leaving Aventurine with his own thoughts for too long wouldn’t be good.
With pajamas on and lights turned low, Ratio got in bed, feeling a bone deep weariness setting in.
Only to feel a weight against him.
“Aventurine…” Ratio groaned. “What do you want?”
“You told me I’m lonely, didn’t you?” Aventurine said, his voice low and soft. “I’m so, so lonely. I want to feel something. You can help me with that, can’t you?”
Inside the covers, Aventurine got on top of Ratio, his still damp hair sticking to his face, his expression completely blank.
“Are you asking for sex?” Ratio said.
“You’re always so direct. I like that about you.” Aventurine sunk until he was leaning against Ratio’s chest. “I see the way you look at me. I mean, why else would you do so much for me? You want me. You’ve always wanted me. Now that I’ve got this little sickness, you have me. I don’t mind a little possessiveness, Doctor. I find it sexy.”
Ratio turned away, but couldn’t ignore the way his heart rate jumped. “You have it all wrong. I’m concerned about you. I don’t want to own you.”
“Why not? So many people would kill to be with me. I’m a hot commodity. Limited edition.”
“Please stop, Aventurine.”
“What, do you not like this?”
“It’s not that I don’t like it-” Ratio quickly cleared his throat. “I just don’t see how sex will improve your condition.”
“It definitely will, Doctor! You’ll help me feel good. You want me to feel good, don’t you? I just feel so incredibly empty and lonely, but I know you’ll make all that go away.”
Ratio grabbed Aventurine by the shoulders and lifted him off, gently. “No.”
Aventurine blinked. “Why not? Do you not like me?”
“You keep saying sex will make you feel good, but what you really want is for sex to make you feel nothing.” Ratio placed Aventurine in the spot beside him. “I’m not going to help you hurt yourself like that.”
Aventurine took in several breaths to talk back, to argue, maybe even to beg, but finally sighed. “At least I tried.”
Ratio turned off the lights, closing his eyes and trying to get some sleep.
Eventually, he heard a rustling noise.
“Ratio, are you still awake?” Aventurine whispered.
Ratio chose not to respond.
“I guess you’re asleep. That’s fine.” Aventurine sighed. “I always thought I’d go out quick and painlessly. One wrong bet and pow! Aventurine is no more, a victim of his own hubris. But it never happens. I’m blessed with such good luck, after all. Even if I loaded every chamber with a bullet, the damn thing would jam.”
Ratio kept listening, careful to not give away the fact he was awake.
“But now that this unavoidable death is staring me in the face…I’m scared. I can feel myself deteriorating every day. It keeps getting closer, but at the same time…I want it to take me. I’m so tired. I’ve survived this long, but what do I have to show for it? Nothing. An empty life. People will rejoice, knowing the last of the Avgin has passed.”
Ratio could hear soft sobs, muffled by what he assumed to be hands. Eventually, the noise evened out into deep breaths.
He didn’t sleep the entire night.