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He tells you that you deserved it, so you deserved it — he tells you to worship and you worship, your hands on something sacred, your hands on something finally human, his hands around your neck like fearing life, your neck craving him like fearing life, your fear overcome by life, your life overcome by fear — or something like that, something yellow and cracking, something like loving Bill Cipher, something like — betrayal. Like betrayal. Like that. You don't know why you do it, but he touches you and you float. In your mind you are nothing but wind. In your mind, anything can happen. Or something like that. Something like loving, but we've covered love already. Haven't we?
Okay, this is how love goes, because it's always the same and you don't know why you do it, this is how love goes:
Step one: you fall in love. Things are okay at step one. Don't take another step. Stay frozen. Don't move. Don't move. If you move, you will only make things worse. Don't move, don't look in the mirror, don't ask questions. There are too many sentences that start with don't. There are too many sentences that end with I love you. There are too many prophecies that end with I love you. Or something like that, something like falling in love. Something like —
Step two: you reflect on step one. Regret it, even. You don't know why you do it, but he touches you and you float. Wait — that's not how it happens. Rewind. Step two: you reflect on step one. Regret it, even. You don't know why you do it, the regretting. Don't you get tired? Maybe. Maybe you haven't slept. Maybe you sleep too much. Maybe you're waiting for Him to show up and Touch. Love is something you can't back out of. You're so good at backing out of things. Not this time, Stanford Filbrick Pines. NOT
THIS
TIME,
or something like that.
Something yellow and cracking. Something like — loving. Like something inexplicable. Like nothing. Why would it be something like loving? Repeat steps one and two. Haven't you learned? You fall in love too many times, and it's still not enough. Bill Cipher, Bill Cipher, Bill Cipher. Loving Bill Cipher is like something inexplicable. Inexplicable. Haven't you learned, is what you tell yourself. You fall in love too many times, with the same person. Over and over. Haven't you learned?
Haven't you —
NO.
You haven't and you never will.
Step three is easy, but you haven't finished making it up yet. It's probably like — well, how does every prophecy end? With a betrayal. No no no no no no, that's not how this goes. Rewind. Step three is: easy, but you haven't finished making it up yet. It's yellow and cracking, like fire. Like love, like burning, like that. Burning is the only thing that you know. You know burning, and you know Bill Cipher. You love Bill Cipher like fire, like burning, like that. It gets confusing. Too many metaphors — oh, that's it. Step three is denial. You skipped step three.
Step four is not something you think about, just like
how you don't think about the water, you don't think about the water, and you don't think
about the hands holding you under, hands on something
Beneath, hands on something that's becoming less and less human, hands on your neck like
ending a life. So, there's water. Who cares? The only thing holding you down now is
yourself.
(And the breaths you held to make sure steps three and four never
worked out for you, but that
doesn't matter now.)
There are other things, like how you don't think about
the fact that he could never love you back.
That's the worst one, but you're thinking about it now. You prefer the burning.
There are other things, like how you don't think about how
he isn't human. That doesn't matter. Nothing
matters,
in the end,
but this isn't the end, is it?
Endings have betrayal, endings have deaths, endings have cracking flames of yellow, so you don't think about endings, but you're thinking about it now, and this must be an exception.
This can't go on forever, but it feels like it should. It feels right. Bill Cipher is The Only Thing That Is.
Or something like that.
You tell yourself that you deserved it, so you deserved it. The whole Falling In Love thing. Look at where love buried you. Your hands on something sacred, your hands around your own neck, your neck begging for the sink in, your teeth begging for something finally human.
Or... something like that.