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Tsukasa had been sitting in the living room, acting out a story with his stuffed animals. He doesn’t remember what the story was about. His mom had got home, she greeted him like she usually did, more tired this time, more exhausted. She hung her purse up by the door, taking her shoes off as well, then she headed into the kitchen.
“Tsukasa,” She says, her voice irritated and slightly raised.
“Yeah Mom?” Tsukasa replies, still engrossed in the story between the two animals.
“Come here.” Her voice stern. Without responding, Tsukasa gets up and walks towards the kitchen, spotting the mess on the counter. “What is this?” She asks, demanding an answer.
Tsukasa can hear himself talking, but he can’t remember the words.
“Honestly, what were you thinking,” she says rhetorically, condescending, the usual kindness gone from her voice.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” the child whispered, looking down at his feet, not brave enough to look in his mother’s eyes.
“You can’t keep doing this,” she scolds.
Tsukasa can’t remember much after that, he knows that it went on for a little while longer. At some point, though, he got sent to his room.
Tsukasa could tell today wasn’t going to be a good day. He had another dream that seemed as though it was another memory from when he was younger that he had forgotten. The dream left him feeling not rested at all, and his thoughts foggy. It took him a while to gather himself and get out of bed to get ready for the day.
While at school, he got a graded test back. He got an eighty-nine percent, he studied as much as he could, he should have done better . He’s supposed to be a perfect star, and he can’t even get an ‘A’ on his test grade. He should have studied more, he knows that he had to have studied more, but he didn’t .
He stared at the test for a while, letting the result sink in further than it already had. He didn’t know what to do with the paper, so he just stuffed it into his bag as fast as he could, not even bothering to care if it got wrinkled.
Apparently, Rui thought something about what Tsukasa did was suspicious.
“Are you okay, Tsukasa-kun?” Rui asked in a slightly concerned voice.
“Of course I am! Why wouldn’t I be Rui-kun?” Tsukasa replies in his overly energetic voice, getting a few annoyed glances from some of his classmates.
“Ah, why don’t we continue this conversation on the rooftop, Tsukasa-kun?” Rui asks, adding some of his usual slyness into his voice.
“Sure!” He replies simply, grabbing his luncheon from his bag and following Rui out the classroom door. Rui pauses for a moment so that Tsukasa can catch up, and they then continue to walk side-by-side.
Once they are settled on the rooftop, Rui continues their earlier discussion, “I saw you shoving your test paper into your bag, you seemed upset. Why?” The purple-haired boy asks the other the simple question.
“Oh,” Tsukasa is stumped on how to answer for a second. Instead of fabricating some made up lie that Rui probably wouldn’t even believe, Tsukasa decides to be somewhat truthful. “I was simply just a little bit dissatisfied with the grade I got, that’s all!” Tsukasa ends the sentence with his voice more cheerful, hoping that it will steer Rui away from the topic.
Rui takes a second to examine Tsukasa, it doesn’t seem that he believes him. Seemingly dissatisfied, but not wanting to push anymore, Rui responds as he usually would. “Fufu~ I see, was that it? Then it seems I don’t have much to worry about then.”
“There is no need to worry at all, my dear stage director! Let’s eat our lunch now,” Tsukasa says, ending their conversation.
Tsukasa has also been lacking behind during their performances. He can see all the others improving in their skills, but he can’t find any hint of improvement that he has made so far. It’s annoying. He’s not annoyed with his fellow troupe mates, but he’s annoyed with himself. He’s annoyed that he feels jealous of them. He knows that he shouldn’t, jealousy is an ugly emotion. He’s proud of all of them for making such huge improvements compared to when they started, but he still can help but feel envious because it feels as though he is still at the starting line while they are all miles ahead of him. He feels as though he isn’t worthy enough to continue being a part of Wonderlands x Showtime.
He sees that Emu has improved her acting skills tremendously! He notices how Nene is still afraid of being on stage, but she practices some of her breathing techniques and pushes herself to go on stage and ends up having a great time on stage with everyone else. And when she feels too afraid to go on stage herself, she uses Robo-Nene because she knows her limits. He realizes how much more confident Rui is when implementing his designs for the stage because he’s not afraid of all his ideas instantly being shut down every time. Tsukasa notices all of this and so whenever he reflects on himself he feels as though he hasn’t made any improvements compared to them. He is still the same as when they started. Nothing has changed for him.
The group was backstage taking a breather after their practice, and getting ready to go home. Emu was energetically talking about their play with Nene and Rui, both of whom were listening intently and adding onto the conversation where they could. Tsukasa had gone back before them and was drinking some water while sitting in one of the chairs they had. The others all went to find their water and then came back and joined Tsukasa. It was weird, but Tsukasa felt like he couldn’t get himself to focus on their conversation. Everything felt a little blurry as he stared at the wall slightly behind Rui.
Tsukasa was home alone, Saki’s sickness had acted up again, so she was back in the hospital. Mom and Dad had been really worried about her, so they have been spending most of their time at the hospital recently, and when they weren’t, they were working. When they came home, they were only there to sleep or cook some food. Tsukasa didn’t really mind, he was used to it, and besides Saki needs more attention right now.
Although…
Although, the house feels so empty, so quiet. It’s just him and the plushies right now. The only sounds to be heard in the house were the sounds of Tsukasa acting out a show between the stuffed animals. All of a sudden, a loud ringing sound erupts through the house, disturbing the blanket of silence that had fallen over the Tenma household. The sound startles the young boy, but he recognizes the sound quickly, identifying it as the house phone ringing.
Tsukasa gets up from the living room floor and walks over to the phone hanging on the wall. He picks it up and puts it up to his ear, “Hello?” He asks, hesitantly.
“Tsukasa?” He hears his mother say on the other side of the phone.
“Yes?” He replies, more certain now that he knows it’s his mom.
“I’m so sorry honey, but we won’t be home tonight, we are going to stay at the hospital.” Upon hearing this, Tsukasa’s head dropped, looking down at the floor. He could feel his eyes becoming watery, but he didn’t know why. “There are some leftovers in the fridge that you can warm up.”
Tsukasa clears his throat to respond, “Alright! Let Saki know that I miss her a wholeeeeee bunch!” Tsukasa says energetically.
Tsukasa can hear his mom laugh a little before responding, “Alright, honey, you're such a good older brother, love you.” And then she hangs up.
Tsukasa’s hand holding the phone drops from his ear to hang down by his leg. He stares down at the floor, and he feels something wet trail down his cheek. Confused, he brings his free hand up to his face and wipes across his cheek, bringing his hand away from his face, he can see a tear resting on the tips of his fingers. Is he crying? Why would he be crying? He doesn’t get it. It’s not like it’s the first time mom and dad haven’t been home for the night, and they need to be there for Saki. So why is he crying? Why does he feel like this?
Tsukasa sits down on the floor and brings his knees up to his chest, dropping the phone on the floor and wrapping his arms around his legs. He rests his head on his knees, feeling the tears continue to run down his face, still not knowing why they are.
“...ukasa…”
Everything felt so far away. The memory still lingering in his mind, the loneliness still persistent.
“Tsuk…” Is someone saying his name?
“Tsukasa-kun?” He feels someone gently touch his shoulder, he looks up and sees Rui, his expression concerned. Tsukasa can feel the vibrations in his throat as he hums in response automatically.
“Are you okay?” Rui asks.
“Huh?” Tsukasa looks around a little bit, his vision a bit blurry, but he can see Nene and Emu looking at him with worried expressions. He can see tears starting to build up in Emu’s eyes, and Nene looking uncertain.
Finally processing what Rui asked him, he answers, “Oh, yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” He says, trying to smile a bit, but aware that it comes across as more of a grimace.
“Ah, well, you seem to be crying Tsukasa-kun,” Rui says, his voice more subdued than usual. Tsukasa brings a hand up to his face and can feel the water on his cheek and wipes it away. Rui backs up and little to give Tsukasa some more space.
“Don’t worry my dear companions, I am alright, I was simply just thinking about how lucky I am to have such amazing friends as you all!” Tsukasa says energetically, trying to redirect the subject.
The others seem weary at their chairman’s response and Nene speaks up, “Tsukasa-kun, you know you can talk to us, right?” She asks quietly, surprising Tsukasa.
“Of course I know, you don’t have to worry, I’m okay.” Tsukasa gets up from the chair he was sitting on, and he walks towards his bag and sets his water inside the bag and puts the bag over his shoulder. “I best be going now though, it is gettin-” before he can finish his sentence, Emu rams into him with a hug. Tsukasa laughs a little at this and then moves his hands to hug Emu back, patting her head with one hand.
Rui comes up behind Emu and rest his hand on her shoulder, “Emu-chan do you think you could drop off Nene-chan on your way home, I’m going to walk with Tsukasa-kun,” he pauses and looks at Tsukasa, “If that’s alright with you.”
“Of course, Rui-kun, you're welcome to stay for dinner,” Tsukasa offers.
“Ah, we shall see.”
The two arrived at the Tenma house, taking their shoes off at the entrance. While on the way to the house, Tsukasa had managed to convince Rui to stay for dinner. Tsukasa sets his bag on the staircase so he can bring it up to his room later, with Rui doing the same right after him. The two then walk to the kitchen, Rui going to sit on the island stool, and Tsukasa walking to the fridge to pull out some ingredients for dinner.
“Are your parents not home?” Rui asked curiously.
“Ah, no, they are working tonight so they won’t be home,” Tsukasa starts cutting up some vegetables. “And Saki is staying at a friend’s house tonight.” Rui hums in acknowledgement.
The two engage in some idle chatter, Rui watching as Tsukasa elegantly walks around the kitchen, seemingly very used to the environment. Once dinner was finished, the two sat together and ate in comfortable silence.
They then moved up to Tsukasa’s room to work on some school work. The boys sat together on the floor, their notebooks sprawled out in front of them. They go on in silence for a while, the two asking each other questions about the work when they get stumped. Eventually, Rui sighs dramatically and lays back onto the floor, making Tsukasa laugh at the show. The blonde ignores him after that though and continues reading.
“Hey,” Rui says hesitantly, causing Tsukasa to glance up curiously for a second to see Rui staring at the ceiling. He hums in response, trying to get Rui to continue what he was saying. “What was that about earlier?” He asks quietly.
“What was what about?” Tsukasa feels like he knows what Rui is talking about, he just doesn’t want to admit it, he doesn’t want to talk about it.
“After practice ended,” Rui pauses, considering his words. “You spaced out? Or something similar, and then you were crying…” He trails off.
“Oh…” Tsukasa whispers.
Rui sits back up, and looks at Tsukasa who is avoiding his gaze. Rui notices Tsukasa’s avoidance of the topic and moves his attention to the books on the floor. He closes the ones that are open, and stacks them up, dividing them by the owners of the books and then pushing them to the side. Tsukasa watches as he does this but doesn’t do anything to stop him. Once all the books are out of the way, Rui sits back up staring at Tsukasa, signaling that he doesn't want to be brushed off again.
“Tsukasa-kun,” Rui says, inching his way slightly closer to the other boy.
“I’m fine,” Tsukasa says, his voice fragile.
“Please talk to me,” He says, reaching out, and softly grabbing the blondes hand from the steel grip he had on his pants.
Tsukasa looks up at Rui with uncertainty filling his eyes. “I-” He starts but pauses quickly, unsure of how to word his thoughts, or if he should actually tell Rui. He contemplates for a while but caves, he sighs and his body deflates along with the air leaving his body. “I don’t remember my childhood much,” he says, his head hanging. “But I keep having these, like memories or something.”
Rui’s eyes widen a bit at the information Tsukasa is willingly giving him. “Like I’ll have dreams of them, or- or I’ll space out, like- like earlier, and I’ll remember them and they hurt,” He says stuttering, his voice breaking at the end. Tsukasa finally looks up to Rui, gripping onto the hand he is holding onto like he will disappear if he doesn’t. “It’s so lonely, Rui.” Tears are forming in Tsukasa’s eyes and his face is full of desperation, to finally be heard, to be listened to. “The memories are so lonely, and- and they hurt, it makes me feel so alone,” Tsukasa sobs, taking gasps of air between sentences. “And- and I don’t get it, why,” his voice cracking along with his facade. “Why? Why do they all feel so bad, I don’t get it.”
And Rui breaks, he pulls Tsukasa into a hug, gripping onto the back of his shirt, Tsukasa quickly doing the same. “You're not alone anymore, Tsukasa,” Rui whispers to him, and he completely falls apart, sobbing into Rui’s shoulder, begging him not to leave him too, and Rui offers as much reassurance to Tsukasa as he needs, a silent tear falling down his eye at seeing his friend in such a state.