Chapter Text
Because you put me in this position.
Donna wished she could think of anything else at that moment, but Harvey’s words to her only hours ago were spinning around her head, screaming a truth she didn’t want to face.
Your fault. Your fault. Your fault.
She had kissed him. And in doing so, she had hurt him. Because for a second, the tiniest sliver of a second…he’d kissed her back. She knew it was the guilt of it that led him to confessing everything to Paula. The guilt that maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t been as unaffected as he would have preferred. And that was what was going to haunt her.
Tears blurred her vision for the millionth time that night, leaking from her eyes and soaking into her hair as she laid supine on her sofa. She wasn’t sure she would ever move from that spot again. Not if it meant having to face the consequences of her actions.
She’d lost her job. And she’d lost him.
The first, she could endure, but in thirteen years, she and Harvey had never been through anything that they hadn’t been able to come back from. Even when she’d left his desk to work for Louis, they’d still found their way back. But after seeing Paula, she’d realized the rest of the truth that Harvey had been unable to voice. The firm wasn’t the only thing his girlfriend wanted Donna away from.
When Paula had given Harvey that ultimatum, it wasn’t just the two of them working together that she couldn’t accept. It was Donna being in his life at all. Harvey had to have realized that too, and he’d still gone to Stu Buzzini for that job offer. Which meant he had made his choice.
You put me in this position.
God, that was the last conversation she would ever have with him, wasn’t it? A fight over the fact that he was pushing her out for the mistake of crossing the one and only line that had ever been drawn even semi-clearly between them.
There wasn’t enough wine or Chunky Monkey in the world to ease the pain of what she knew the future now held.
Tomorrow, or in a few days when she could hold a conversation without falling apart, she would call Stu and accept his offer. She would start a new job in the world of finance and maybe she would get a “best-of-luck” email from Harvey’s office, but he wouldn’t call. Not until Paula was out of the picture, if she ever would be, or until the guilt had swallowed a hole in his stomach enough that he’d reach out to confirm she was doing well so that he wouldn’t have to feel bad anymore. By then, her life would be completely different and maybe they’d promise to get a drink and catch up, but she knew they wouldn’t ever follow through.
Their yearly anniversary dinner would pass by without acknowledgement; she’d never eat at Del Posto again. She’d also add that shitty Thai place to her list of things to avoid because she’d never be able to smell that curry without thinking of his complaints about it at the office when they’d worked late nights. And, she figured, scotch would have to go as well. She’d never forgotten the taste of it on his tongue from their first time. Scotch and whipped cream.
Oh, she was so fucked.
How does one even start to untangle thirteen years of knowing someone as intimately as you can know another person. Loving that other person in various ways, through so many trials and gauntlets. The jokes and teasing, the pain and comforts. To lose it all in one fell swoop…
God, she missed him already; but if she were being honest, she’d missed him for a while. Things had changed so much over the years, and she knew their relationship had become somewhat fragmented and unbalanced, especially since she’d become COO and he’d started dating his former therapist.
For being the one that had known him inside and out for so many damn years, how had she not foreseen this growing chasm? Maybe the fear of that distance is why she’d been so desperate the night she’d kissed him. Had needed so badly to know the truth of the emotions she’d buried for thirteen years and had been too afraid to act on until then.
Rightfully so, it would seem, since it had cost her everything.
Donna wasn’t sure how long she laid there, wallowing in self-pity and a half empty bottle of wine, but a demanding knock against her door jarred her to reality. She straightened herself, sweeping the tears away from her eyes before crossing through the hall of her foyer. She frowned as she quickened her steps, because that incessant pounding was familiar, the way everything about him was familiar, but she couldn’t imagine why he would be at her door. She threw it open anyway.
“Harvey.”
There he was, wearing the same suit from earlier that day and an unreadable expression. But there was determination in his hard, brown eyes and hers scanned every inch of his face, both relieved and scared to ask, “What are you doing here?”
How else are you going to drag my heart through the mud, tonight?
He stared back at her for just a moment. She wondered what he saw; if the heartbreak she’d been drowning in was as obvious as the tear stains she knew he was clocking on her cheeks.
“I came here to give you this,” he said in the firm tone he usually reserved for business. He reached into his jacket and removed a folded paper. She didn’t have to ask what it was.
Before she could even begin to process why he would be giving it to her, Harvey took her letter of resignation and ripped it in half. Then he held the pieces out to her.
Donna felt her head shake, hope and confusion warring with one another in her chest at what he was implying. She stepped back and widened the door.
“Come in.”
The hand holding the letter fell back to his side and Harvey frowned, “I’m not sure that’s-”
“I have spent the past few hours thinking I lost a job that I love so that you could salvage your relationship. If that’s not the case, then the least you can do is come in from my doorway and give me an explanation.”
The hardness didn’t leave his eyes, but she saw his resolve waiver in the tick of his jaw. A short nod was the only answer she was given before he brushed past her, stepping into her apartment and lighting her arm on fire where it rubbed against the sleeve of his jacket. She closed the door and took a deep breath, trying and failing to brace herself for whatever conversation they were about to have. She’d never felt this out of sorts; had never been able to read someone so thoroughly yet still be completely lost on what to expect from them.
Donna turned slowly, using her well practiced acting skills to school her expression into one of aloof indifference and crossed her arms.
“Well?”
She watched him swallow, preparing himself for whatever he had to say.
“I want you to come back.”
The words that she had only dared to hope for did nothing to ease the confusion Donna felt and her stance slackened.
“You arranged for me to be offered a different job today. You all but asked me to quit so that you wouldn’t have to fire me.”
“Yeah, well,” he tilted his head slightly, “I changed my mind.”
“You changed your-” Donna bit her tongue, a flash of annoyance overtaking the bewilderment, “And how is Paula going to feel about that?”
“Doesn’t matter,” he swallowed again, grinding his teeth in the process; a nervous tick, “I told her that I couldn’t give her what she wanted. It’s over...we’re over.”
Donna blinked, the bewilderment taking front seat again, giving her whiplash with the number of emotions that statement sent spiraling through her.
“Because of me.”
“Because I made a choice,” he corrected. Donna’s lips parted with a question, and he beat her with an answer, “You were right. It wasn’t fair to ask you to leave a job that you’ve worked your whole life for just so I could try to fix my relationship.”
She didn’t buy that. Maybe it was true, but selflessness wasn’t exactly his forte.
“You knew it wasn’t fair when you went to Stu Buzzini,” she said, “So what changed your mind?”
“Donna-”
“Don’t Donna me,” she interrupted him, annoyance spiking her tone, “A few hours ago you were pushing me out, and now you’re giving up the most serious long-term relationship you’ve had in years so that I’ll come back to the firm. I want to know why.”
He huffed a noise of disbelief, staring her down with a look she was sure had closed him many deals in the past, but she didn’t flinch.
“You know why.”
A humorless laugh escaped her lips, “Are we really back to that? Because the last time, you told me you loved me, but a few days ago you said you’ve never wanted more. Just like how you said I had to leave because it was what Paula wanted and now you’re saying you ended things with her? So what is it Harvey?”
Donna’s voice shook as it rose and she knew she was glaring at him, but damn it, she was tired of this.
“What exactly am I supposed to know?” she demanded, “Other than the fact that you can’t seem to make up your goddamn mind about where you want me in your life!”
Harvey let out a deep sigh and hung his head, like he was the exhausted one, “When I said ‘you know’, I only meant-”
“You meant that I should infer whatever meaning I want from it so that you don’t have to say it,” she accused, “But didn’t we just have a conversation about telling each other hard truths? Because I know that I messed up, but I tried to make it right by walking away from you and the firm and my job because I thought that was what you wanted! And now you’re here saying it’s not? What changed?”
“I told you, it wasn’t fair.”
“And I told you that you knew it wasn’t fair from the beginning,” she refused to let him talk his way out of actually answering, “So what changed?”
Harvey ground his molars together and those dark eyes of his were flooded with the emotions he refused to speak about. She expected a raised voice; a fury to match the one climbing up her throat, urging him to lash out at her the way she wanted to lash into him. But he surprised her for the second time that night.
“I read your letter.” The words were clipped, barely more than a whisper, and his eyes never left hers as he said them, “And I realized that I was going to lose you.”
For some reason, his admission made her want to cry. So she leaned into the anger instead.
“You were perfectly fine with losing me and throwing away thirteen years of…whatever the hell this has been between us, all for a three month long relationship-”
“And I was wrong,” he bellowed, taking a step toward her and crowding the space of her foyer, “Is that what you want me to say? I was a selfish asshole because I didn’t want to look too closely at the truth and none of it mattered the moment I saw this fucking letter on my desk!”
He tore at the page again as he spoke, ripping it apart, and let the pieces fall to the floor in scattered remains. Donna’s breath came in ragged drags, matching the way his nostrils were flaring with each exhale.
“I don’t want to lose you,” he said, after a moment’s silence, “That’s what seeing your resignation made me realize. That as much as I’d hoped it could work out with Paula, she wanted something I couldn’t give her. And I’m sorry that it took me time to realize that…but I’m here, Donna. I’m trying. So…please,” the word was nearly strangled on its way off his tongue, “Tell me I’m not too late and that you’ll come back to me.”
There was no stopping the tears now. Donna slumped her back against the door, letting them fall as the air between them shifted and all of the fight she’d been gearing up for bled away.
“Harvey, I never wanted to leave.”
Maybe it was the fragility of her voice, or the slight shake in her shoulders, but Harvey’s expression changed, all frustration melting away to something tender and soft.
“I know. I’m sorry I tried to make you.” He reached out, closing the space between them to touch her elbow, gently tugging her forward, “Come here.”
Donna fell into him, fitting perfectly against his chest as his arms enveloped her and the physicality of him overwhelmed her. Everything she’d thought she was losing now, literally, under her fingertips. She squeezed her eyes shut and breathed in the scent of his faded cologne.
“I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to,” she murmured, then released a deep sigh, “I shouldn’t have kissed you.”
Not that she regretted the clarity it had given her, but everything the fallout had caused was exactly why she had avoided addressing those feelings for so long.
She felt Harvey tense and was about to step away from their embrace when his grip tightened and he spoke to the top of her head.
“I shouldn’t have kissed you back.”
The admission was so surprising that Donna leaned back to meet his gaze. To Harvey’s credit, he didn’t retract the statement, even when she arched a brow in obvious inquiry.
“I hated that you did it,” he elaborated, “But I hated even more that I didn’t hate it when you did.”
Now she was the one swallowing, eyes narrowing, “You implied that it didn’t make you feel anything-”
“And you flat out said you felt nothing,” he reminded her, “Hard truth. Were you lying?”
“We’re you?” she fired back.
Harvey shook his head, but it didn’t feel like a denial, “What I felt was…complicated.”
Her shoulders fell, “Isn’t it always?”
“No,” he backtracked, “What I mean is that it isn’t as simple as whether or not I felt something…it’s what I realized.”
She didn’t want to ask. She had to.
Pulling away from his body so that they could fully face each other, Donna lifted her chin in a challenge, “Realized what?”
Apparently neither of them were backing down tonight, because he didn’t hesitate to answer this time.
“That Paula and I were never going to work.”
“Because we kissed?”
“Because when you’re with the person you’re supposed to be with, you don’t feel like that when kissing someone else.”
She froze. Debated about pushing further, making him explain what exactly he meant by “that”, but as his gaze held hers and that old familiar understanding passed between them, she just…knew.
And more than knowing, Donna felt a strange sort of peace settle within her chest. Words jumped to her throat that probably shouldn’t be there, but the accompanying panic was missing, furthering her resolve.
“I lied,” she admitted, willing to be vulnerable with her honesty, now that he had, “I told you I felt nothing when I kissed you because I could tell you were upset and I realized I’d messed up. I thought that minimizing it would make it easier for us to just go back, keep pretending but-” she took a shaky breath, “The truth is that I did feel something, Harvey. It felt…right. Like everything we’ve been dancing around for thirteen years finally-”
“-made sense,” he finished for her, and Donna fought back the tsunami of emotions that his agreement brought forth to nod and answer with her own hard truths.
“Yes,” she said, “And it made me realize what I’ve always been afraid to think, let alone say out loud…what I think we’ve both avoided acknowledging because the fear of losing what we have has outweighed anything that admitting this would gain, but…”
Her stomach somersaulted at this new truth.
“But I did lose that tonight, Harvey.”
“You didn’t lose-”
“I thought I was never going to see you again,” she said, “I thought you wanted me out of your life. I sat in there for hours with a bottle of wine, trying to figure out how to go forward missing the person I’ve been closest to for thirteen years, and you know what? It sucked. But it made me realize that if that’s the worst that can happen, then I have nothing left to be afraid of.”
It was Harvey’s brows furrowing now, the trepidation obvious in the way his body stilled.
“What are you saying?”
She was on the edge of something. It felt a little like it had right before she’d kissed him, but this time, she knew her way down to rock bottom, and she was so damn tired of being afraid to be honest. With him and with herself.
“I’m saying…that I love you, Harvey. I’m saying that I think we’re worth the risk and that I’m tired of pretending that my wanting more didn’t also include more with you.”
She knew the look on his face would stay burned in her memory forever. Because, unlike when she had kissed him, he had seen this coming. He’d known, just as she’d known, that it had been true for some time.
“Donna,” he whispered, some conflicting mix of relief and sorrow etching into his face.
“I know,” she answered with a sad acceptance of her own, “You love me too. In whatever way. And it doesn’t mean you want more.”
Harvey hesitated before answering this time, and she tried to track the emotions in his eyes and failed.
“I don’t know what I want,” he finally admitted, and exhaled so heavily she wondered at the weight he was finally letting fall from his shoulders, “I do love you, Donna, I’ve told you as much…but what it means, whether it’s enough to change…” his words trailed off and he swallowed and she could have sworn there was a wetness in his eyes as his gaze fell to the floor, “I don’t know where this goes from here, but I know every time I try to run from it, I lose you. And that’s the last thing I want.”
Donna shook her head and reached out to him, cupping his jaw in her palms. She lifted his chin until their eyes locked, and sure enough his were red with the emotions he was fighting back.
“Then stop running,” she urged him, letting her thumb stroke the line of his jaw, “I’m here, Harvey. So tell me what you’re thinking.”
His lips parted and her eyes fell to them. Then to the tongue that slipped out to wet them, and finally to her hand still pressed against the hollow of his cheek, and back up to the sad brown eyes that had haunted her dreams off and on for a decade.
“You once told me that I didn’t just see you this way,” his breath was warm against her face, “That I was capable of looking at you that way.”
She nodded.
“I think I could be capable of loving you that way, too.”
For a second that was all he said and Donna had to bite her lip to keep from interrupting; needing him to be honest with her on his own volition. He tracked the movement, lifting his thumb to her bottom lip, freeing it, and a shudder ran through her entire body at the contact. Her own hands fell from his face to his chest, and she felt completely at his mercy. She hated the vulnerability but when had he ever not been her weakness?
“But I’d be just as capable of fucking it up,” he finished, and his hand fell away from her face to cover hers over his heart, “And what we have, whatever it is, it’s important to me. You’re important to me.” He squeezed her hand, “Enough so that I have let murderers walk and relationships end and risked my job and jail time and a million other things to keep you.”
“But you won’t risk losing me to love me,” she concluded, feeling the impasse they’d reached like a loaded gun.
He had to have felt it too, because with a final squeeze, he dropped her hands and took a step back. Until he was the one leaning against the wall for support.
“Right now, I don’t know what I’m willing to risk,” he said solemnly. And it wasn’t a no. And it didn’t stop her heart from breaking.
“I wish I could give you more than that,” he sighed, noting the wetness in her eyes, “I know you deserve more than that. But the truth is, after everything that’s happened this week and tonight…I need time before trying to be with anyone.”
Time and place. They were always missing it, weren’t they?
But Donna couldn’t begrudge him what he was saying. In fact, as much as it hurt, she realized she was proud of him. He wasn’t running. He wasn’t pretending. He was here and he was telling her what he could and couldn’t accept right now. And she’d always been pretty damn good at being his friend when he needed her.
“Okay,” she let out the breath she was holding, straightening and wiping at her eyes.
He straightened as well, pulling off the wall and lessening the distance between them, “Okay?”
“A lot has happened in the past few days,” she agreed, “And if what you need is time, then I understand.”
“Donna, I can’t ask you to wait for something that I might not-”
“You’re not asking,” she insisted, “I’m offering. Because I stand by what I said…I think we’re worth the risk.”
He opened his mouth, as if to argue again, but whatever resolve he saw on her face made him pause. He swallowed instead. His jaw clenched. Nervous tick.
“If you change your mind,” he said instead, “I’ll understand. I don’t want to be the reason you miss out on something that could make you happy.”
She fought a smile and wanted to laugh at the spectrum of feelings this man was able to drag out of her in such a short time. Pain, anger, sorrow, hope, love, affection, acceptance. All for them to be here, talking like this.
“I appreciate that,” she told him, “And if it happens, I’ll tell you…but Harvey, there is something I need from you.”
He lifted his chin, giving her permission to ask it.
“Take time to think about what you want,” she said, “But when you make your decision…make it your final decision.”
His brows pulled together and she elaborated before he could ask, “If this is something you’re willing to take a risk on, then I will be right there ready to take it with you. But if it’s not…”
She took a slow breath, calming her heart, “Then you have to let me let you go. We can work together, we can be friends…but we make the lines clear and finally let that door shut once and for all.”
He flinched at her words, face pinching like the thought bothered him as much as it bothered her, but Donna knew it was the only way this would work. The only way they’d be able to move forward.
“Because if there’s even a cracked window’s sliver of a chance-”
“I know.”
And he did. She could see that acceptance all over his face and there was a finality in the way he looked at her. And even though it wasn’t exactly what she wanted, it felt good to finally be on the same page again.
He must have thought so too, because after another moment of loaded silence between them, he stuck his hand in his pocket and tilted his head with that infuriating little half smile she secretly adored.
“So, this does mean you’re coming back, right?”
Despite everything that had just passed between them, Donna couldn’t help but laugh and let herself fall back to their usual dynamic.
“I guess you’ve begged enough.”
Harvey didn’t miss a beat, motioning between them with a finger, “You mean all this time, a little begging was all it took? I could have saved myself a lot of money in sign-on bonuses.”
“Well, if you’d quit making me leave you wouldn’t have to keep paying me to come back,” she reasoned and he chuckled.
“I guess that’s fair. I’ll see you at the office tomorrow?”
The joking tone leached away and she knew the confirmation he was really seeking, so she nodded.
“I’ll be there.”
They were still in her foyer, having never moved away from her front door, and Harvey crooked his head toward it. Donna nodded and stepped to the side so he could leave, the night winding down with all that they’d finally made peace with. He stopped before reaching the handle though, turning to her, close enough that she once again could smell his signature scent and it invaded her senses just as much as his now piercing gaze did.
It roamed over her, as if he wanted to commit every detail to memory.
“Good night, Donna.”
The roughness of his voice ran down her spine like an electric current. The last time he’d looked at her that way, she’d been walking him out after ‘The Other Time’. Desire and affection mixing headily with inevitability. He’d looked like he’d wanted to say something more that day too, but he hadn’t. Like now, his lips had pressed together as if they hadn’t previously been pressed to the most intimate parts of her body, and like then…all she could think about was kissing them one last time.
But she’d known him then and knew him even better now. The ball was in his court, and she wasn’t going to be the one to cross that line again. She’d wait for him. And hope like hell it was worth it.
“Good night, Harvey.”
He leaned forward then, so quickly she didn’t have time to react, and pressed his lips against her forehead. He lingered, and her eyes fell closed. She melted into the pressure of his mouth on her skin, but didn’t try to move.
Donna knew him. Knew the change in his breath was his dissolve wavering and the heave of his chest was it solidifying once more. She remained frozen, letting him war with himself until he parted from her with a sigh and she heard her door open.
When she lifted her eyes, he was gone. And it was okay.
He’d be at the office tomorrow and so would she. He’d chosen her tonight, showed up and fought for her. No matter what else came of their conversation, she knew she’d never lose him the way she thought she had when placing her letter of resignation on his desk. A letter that was still in shambles on her floor, but at least her heart felt whole again.
She smiled as she bent over to scoop up the scattered pieces of paper, and felt excited for what the next day would bring.
They were going to be okay. She would be okay.