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1. Sex pollen
“I’m your factotum,” I said. “I take care of things. I don’t know what kind of fancy Mickey Finn they slipped you, but you clearly need taking care of.”
Wolfe grunted with repressed urgency and gripped the bedpost. “Pfui! Archie, there are things that are beyond the call of duty. Satyriasis is one. Dr. Vollmer said it will pass. Leave me. Lock me in and let me suffer in privacy.”
I shook my head. “Nothing doing. I’m not abandoning you to the worst case of blue balls the world has ever seen. Now drop your trousers and let me help.”
2. Strip poker
I don’t know why Wolfe decided he wanted to see Saul Panzer’s weekly poker game. I guess geniuses get curious sometimes. I don’t know who taught him to play. He probably read a book. I can’t remember who suggested we ante clothes after Wolfe had all the chips. Probably Orrie. I do remember when his luck started to turn. Books and bluffs will only take you so far if you haven’t got the cards. Most of all, I remember the sweet satisfaction of being the only one with trousers still on. He wears boxers, if you’re wondering. Black silk boxers.
3. Everyone thinks they’re already a couple
I sipped my after dinner brandy. “Ever since I said I’d rather have Christmas dinner here than put on my monkey suit for Lily’s shindig, Fritz has been smiling at me. Not just him, Theodore. And maybe Saul. He’s harder to read, though.”
Wolfe traced a circle on the tablecloth with his finger. “They believe I have replaced Miss Rowan in your affections. The idea pleases them.” He watched me over the rim of his glass as he drank.
“Oh.” I considered this new idea and the steely eyes still looking my way. What the hell. “Would it please you?”
4. Body swap
I opened my eyes and looked up at myself. My body, which I was no longer in, scowled down at me and said “What the devil?!?”
“Yeah, exactly,” I said with his mouth. It was strange to hear his words in my tenor and mine in his baritone. Come to think of it, it was strange to breathe. His lungs held great bushelfuls of air. It was strange to just lie there too. I felt heavy, substantial. I looked it up and I think languorous describes it - full of or characterized by languor. Languor - listless indolence or inertia.
5. Pirate AU
The ship swayed gently. We had a good breeze at our backs and no frigates in our wake. Captain Wolfe thumped the table and bellowed “Beer!” Fritz ran to fetch a tankard.
“What about those prisoners down below?” I asked. “I know you’re busy with your beer, but we can’t keep them there forever.”
Wolfe grimaced. “Very well, Archie, have them brought up. I’ll question them after lunch.”
“Aye aye, sir,” I replied. Someday I’d go too far and he’d send me to walk the plank, but meanwhile there was never a dull moment as Quartermaster of the Black Orchid.
6. Gender swap
Sarah Panzer is the mousiest middle-aged nobody you’ve ever seen, part of what makes her a crackerjack tail. “Martin Scott left the 19th Precinct and walked to an apartment building on east 72nd. He was alone and spoke to no one.”
“Ari, visit Mr. Scott and find out what he knows.” Ms. Wolfe rose to go upstairs to her orchids.
“I could have him here when you come down,” I suggested.
“No.” she replied. “Men are temperamental cauldrons of rampaging testosterone. You have shown a knack for handling them.”
“Thanks,” I said, “you make me sound like a snake charmer.”
7. Established Relationship
I yawned and took a sip of my milk. “Fritz outdid himself. That was a hell of a dinner.”
Wolfe looked up from his book. “I have noted that Fritz always serves champagne and caviar on the 27th of July. I believe he considers this to be our anniversary.”
I protested, “It’s not the day you hired me. Or the day I first spent the night in your room.”
“July 27th,” said Wolfe, “was the day I first invited you to call me by my given name when we are in private. By that standard, today is our 8th anniversary.”
8. PWP
Wolfe unzipped his trousers as I knelt in front of him. He was already hard. “What have we here,” I said as I grasped his whanger. Then I didn’t do much talking as I was busy running my lips and tongue over his length. When I took him deep into my mouth, he let out a low rumbling noise of satisfaction.
“Archie,” he groaned. “Were you aware, that much as acorns flavor the meat of the free roaming pigs of Spain …” He gripped the arms of his chair. “… a man’s diet may affect the taste of his ejaculate?”