Chapter Text
Seven Years Ago
How could a person get better if all they knew was hell?
Variations of that thought ran rampant through Lilith’s mind as she stood on one of the high balconies of the royal palace. Leaning on the gilded railing and gazing out into the hellish night at her beloved city.
In the bedroom behind her Lucifer slept, her eternal love finally coaxed into sleep. Tonight had been a bad one, it had taken him over two hours to relax into slumber. A long battle between his anxious, racing mind and Lilith’s embrace and whispered comforts. A battle that was growing all too common.
And that had been after she had struggled to pull him from his workshop to even go to bed in the first place. He had stubbornly argued with her that he was fine, and just wanted to work on some projects. That he would come to bed later.
But Lilith remembered the times she had allowed him to win that argument before. She remembered slowly falling asleep, alone in a cold bed, only to wake the next morning to find he had never arrived. Breakfasts where Charlie’s cheerful smile had not been able to distract her from the darkening circles under her husband's eyes.
He would insist he was fine and go on like nothing was wrong. And she would helplessly watch as the beautiful glow of his soul tarnished a little more. Like watching a masterwork painting slowly destroying itself. All the while insisting it was fine .
She had truly come to loathe that word. Fine.
Was it fine that after ten thousands years of trying to help him, her love was only spiraling to darker places beyond her reach?
Was it fine that she had to watch her daughter, the best thing she had ever made, come to terms with the horrors of her world and the exterminations? Watch while it broke her perfect little heart.
Was it fine that her life's work, raising the masses of hell out of despair had been rendered futile by the hate and indifference of heaven? Who even after eons still refused to accept that they had any right to even exist .
Lilith, the ever unflappable queen of hell and first of its sinners, nearly broke on that balcony. Her fingers digging into the metal of the railing. Her entire body curling in on itself as she hunched over the edge.
Her composure was one of her greatest traits, only behind her powers of singing. She had spent entire ages of human history without ever allowing an emotion to show on her face without her direct will. And what had that gotten her? Nothing but the privilege of suffering in silence.
But she did not know another way. Did not know how else to be. So she clung to it, and choked back the pained sobs that threatened to burst forth.
She must keep her composure, she must remain stoic. At least then she could pretend she was fine.
She had hoped time and time again that her love would eventually help heal her husband. That by showering him in it she could drive back the darkness. And part of her felt so irrationally angry with him that it was not working. Was she not enough? Was their family not enough?
But of course, that is why she could never blame him. Because it was increasingly clear that she was not enough. Things were only getting worse, and she had no idea how to help him. How many millenia would it take for her to admit that?
She felt trapped, suffocated. She could not stay here. In a single motion she gripped the railing and swung herself over. Plummeting the four stories to the plaza below.
At the last moment she tapped into a gimmer of her magic and slowed her descent, still landing hard enough to almost send her sprawling. She staggered to her feet and began slowly walking towards the front gates.
Some part of her was screaming from the back of her mind at how late in the fall she had remembered to reach for her magic, how it had almost not occurred to her, how natural it had felt to allow gravity to take its course.
It would not have killed her, but surely that was still a bad sign?
She slipped out of the front gate, and stepped out onto the road. The royal palace was a ways outside of Pentagram city, upon a large sharp plateau with a single road winding up it. She had always loved the view out onto the city, though the isolation felt like it grew more oppressive and lonely by the year.
With a desperate need to be moving and no destination she started walking down the road, staring down at the black surface and thinking.
Surely it was hardly surprising she could not reach Lucifer. She had been his accomplice in the very act that ate at him. How could he look at her and not see memories of the apple? Even worse that while she shared in the blame for that sin, she could not share his guilt and regret.
He hated hell, and its sinners, while she loved both. She had always been proud of how well she had thrived in this place after their banishment, but in doing so she had also built a divide between them.
And Charlie… Charlie increasingly spoke to her of her plans, redemption and a true future for hell. Glorious, beautiful plans, so full of hope and earnest care that they made Lilith’s heart hurt. And Charlie wanted to share them with her, she wanted her to help.
How could she look her daughter in the eyes and tell her that she had no idea how to help her? Lilith was as much a sinner as any of them, and as was becoming increasingly obvious she had no idea how to make herself improve, much less anyone else.
She loved her kingdom and her people, but in many ways she loved them for their sins. Because she could recognize them in herself, and loved them for being with her in this pit.
Charlie’s love of them despite their sins, her willingness to look past them and see something better that they could become, that was foreign to her. She almost wanted to dismiss it as naive, which it was in part, but it's not like her way of doing things was working. Her daughter's path might be their only hope.
And it was a hope Lilith could not help with.
Her daughter’s hopes and dreams reminded her so much of Lucifer’s. After so long trying and failing to prevent her husband’s dreams being worn away, was she now doomed to watch the same repeat with Charlie?
That thought felt like a dark hollow inside of her, a pit deeper and more horrible than hell itself. She could not do that, she was not strong enough to survive that pain again.
She felt helpless, how could she do anything for the ones she loved? They were the greatest joy she had ever known.
She wanted to reach up and drag heaven itself down, show them the truth. That the two most beautiful people in all creation were down here in hell.
Show them how they were poisoning that beauty, slowly killing it.
In the back of her mind and throat she felt the beginnings of a song. She felt her power waking up, begging to pull music out of the either. She wanted so desperately to open her heart and sing her sorrow for all of hell to hear.
But she more than anyone knew the power of songs. That much despair, from their queen, would crush hell. It would crush her family. She stopped moving, stopped breathing, choking down the urge until the words at the back of her mouth faded into the taste of bile. Pushed the feelings back down into her stomach until they felt like they were going to burn a hole out.
She stumbled to the side of the road and collapsed, sitting amidst the gravel and black leafed plants. Her eyes staring across the road at nothing.
How strange, she could not seem to breathe.
She could draw in breath, but when she tried to breath out a numbing fear paralyzed her. A feeling that she was not in control of her own body. And if she let air out, she was not sure it would not come out in the form of words and rhymes.
And that could not happen. She had to be strong for them, for her family and for hell. She could not let them know how much she hurt.
Hell, how long had it been since she last sang? Truly sang, something from the heart, not parroting old songs or lullabies? Years now at least.
It hurt that no one had noticed.
But singing was about truth, she could not lie through it. And so doing so would mean baring her heart. And she was not sure her family could stand that, they had enough problems already.
That was the thorn at the heart of all this. How could she help pull Lucifer and Charlie up if she could not raise herself first? And there was nothing in hell that she could use to support herself without destroying it.
How could she find help bettering herself in a land whose inhabitants were defined by having failed to do so?
She needed help, someone to talk to. Someone who knew this pain, this type of battle, and could teach her.
But she had no one. Her family was out, the sins were closer to Lucifer than her, the hellborn too fearful of her. Her sinners…she loved them dearly, but they were bigger messes than her. How could she look through their numbers for someone who could help without whipping up a media storm.
But… maybe there was a way. Surely there were mortals who had gone through this. Who had faced their own demons and won. Who had helped guide their loved ones out of their own spirals. Who maybe even knew something of redemption.
But they would not be in hell.
So there might be a way, a place she could find the lessons she needed. But it would mean returning to a land she never wanted to see again, it would mean betraying and hurting her family, leaving her kingdom to suffer in her absence.
But what else could she do? Continue to slowly fail her loved ones for another ten thousand years until the grief wore them all to dust?
No, anything but that.
She finally felt her calm beginning to return, and was able to slowly breathe again. It would be a dramatic move, but if the other option was to continue this doomed path, then she would take it.
Lilith would do anything for her family, even leave them.
Seven Years Later
“Your brat is threatening the very foundation of heaven. And if you want to stay here, you’re going down there and stopping that bitch. You understand me, Lilith?”
As the little murderess finished her rant Lilith turned her attention away from whatever half-assed powerplay she thought she was pulling. There was information here of importance. Adam was dead.
Eons had passed since the death of her first husband would have brought her the slightest hint of grief. She had not wanted him to begin with, and the moment the first sinner was slain during an extermination he had lost any right to continue living.
What kind of man could look down at his own descendants, his own blood , and not only deny any responsibility for them but personally cut them down as mere vermin. Surely no one worthy of being called human could do such a thing. Even the queen of hell had to consider some crimes unforgivable.
But his passing marked a change in the play, a breaking of the old cast, and a chance for something new to come to the stage.
It also meant that he had died attacking her daughter’s dream, and his death did not mean there had not been losses on the other side, the thought of that began a gnawing panic growing in her chest. Though as usual she kept her face perfectly schooled.
So this feathered zealot was right about one thing, she must return to hell as soon as possible. And hope that her seven years of work in heaven would be enough.
Apparently not enjoying being ignored Lute leaned forward, baring her teeth like some mindless beast of eden, and said, “Did you hear me you worthless slut? Get, out, of, heaven. Go do something right for once and maybe we will be able to tolerate your presence here for a while longer.”
Lilith flicked her eyes back to the exorcist. None of their number had ever understood her, or why she was allowed here. They had been too blinded by devotion and hate to see the weaknesses in Adam, the ancient shames that slowly poisoned him; and that Lilith had played like a fiddle to get what she wanted.
When she had first approached Adam and asked to be let into heaven, his demands had been vicious. Demands that she forswore her marriage to Lucifer, begged Adam for forgiveness, and engaged in various carnal… indignities with him.
But Adam was a weak creature, defined by old wounds that Lilith knew too well. And it had taken one conversation and barely an effort from her to talk him down to her giving him nothing, and him getting the hell out of her way and letting her go where she pleased.
Lute and the other exorcists had never managed to understand how that conversation had taken that turn, or why Adam shut down all of their objections. Lilith understood them though. She saw the blind rage, the indoctrination, the inability to live unless there was someone lesser than them to blame. And in Lute she saw deeper truths.
The one Lute knew but never said, that there was nothing she could ever have done to make Adam truly love her, not in a way she would have been satisfied with. For his ability to think outside of himself had died in the Garden.
And the one Lute might never understand, that Adam had never been worthy of a moment of the loyalty she showed him.
Lilith felt the rising tension in the world around her. The music pushing at the seams and begging to be let in. Behind her tongue she could feel the words and rhymes lining up. A song to make this broken creature in front of her understand how misguided her life had been, how much she had poisoned the world in pursuit of a lie.
Instead she clamped down on that power, and simply nodded to the pitiful wretch. As satisfying as it would be to leave her a sobbing shell on the sands of the beach, she had work to do. Work that could not wait for Lilith to deal with the flailing tantrum that would no doubt accompany unmaking Lute’s entire sense of self.
Lute took the nod as sufficient obedience, apparently convinced Lilith would obey her, and turned. Spreading her wings and taking leave of the scenic beach. Lilith watched her go, relaxing her control on the disgust that reared its head every time she saw one of the exorcists.
This had been far from the first time she had considered loosening her tongue, singing a few verses, and bringing the full weight of the truth of their horrid work down on their heads. Showing them in their hearts the beauty she saw in her people, the beauty they thoughtlessly destroyed. With hearts as deluded and brittle as theirs it would have been trivial to wreck their little minds.
But it had never been worth it, it would take more than a handful of screaming and repentant exorcists to bring this tragedy to an end. And she would not compromise her work, and the future of her people, in order to give some of the winged butchers a chance at redemption.
Lilith was not as kind as her daughter.
She pushed herself to her feet and walked up the beach to where it met beautiful grassy plains. She was currently located in one of the more remote areas of heaven, an untouched landscape renowned for its beauty.
Personally she thought it rather stale, the wilderness in heaven lacked the imperfections and primal life of a landscape where creatures fought and died. This place was born tamed, a transplant from the original Garden. But she had needed a rest from her research in the nearby communities, and it always helped keep suspicions off of her if she appeared to be idly relaxing when Adam or his minions came looking for her.
After all, they all assumed she was here for no other reason than to escape hell for the pleasures of their paradice, and that was an assumption Lilith happily encouraged.
And besides, her time in these smaller communities had been a gold mine. The types of people who got into heaven and promptly headed for the most distant rural areas of it turned out to include many of the people she had spent the last seven years seeking out and interviewing.
Those who had entered heaven only after personal struggle. Those who had faced their demons, and those of others, and won at least some measure of peace.
Once she was off the sand she waved her hand and swapped the glasses and swimsuit for one of her favorite dark dresses, she would keep the sun hat though, it was far too sunny today for her liking (as it was most days in heaven).
Nearby on the grass was parked an immaculate carriage, wrought in mahogany and gold. It had a pair of heavenly white horses hitched at the front waiting with unnatural patience and grace. Intricate engravings along its doors showcased an artistic depiction of Adam’s wedding to Eve.
When asked what form of transport she wanted while in heaven she had made the choice largely based on how uncomfortable it had made Adam. She was a sinner, she was allowed her spite.
Climbing inside the archaic vehicle she used the barest effort of will to set its destination for the Pearly Gates, she could not create a portal to hell this deep into heaven, and then sat back to think. Feeling as the horses began to move, first over bumpy ground before taking into the skies.
She had known the battle with Adam was coming. Even as far away as she had been she had heard the song her Charlie had sung in front of the heavenly court. Its words and melody carried as echoes far too quiet for anyone but Lilith, the Mother of Song herself, to hear.
It had almost given her a heart attack to realize her daughter was here, as that had implied a great deal had happened in Lilith’s absence. And then her heart had broken in a different manner to hear her daughter confronting the truth of the reckless ignorance of heaven.
But even in the face of that she had stood firm, and with the help of that delightful little angel Emily had struck back at them. Even now she could focus and perfectly hear the words and the passion.
If hell is forever then heaven must be a lie!
That song had struck a blow against the heavenly court that they did not yet realize the severity of. A wound that in time they would either need to change in order to heal, or allow to destroy them as surely as a slit throat.
She felt another wave of pride at her darling daughter, even seven years separated she had remembered Lilith's lessons on the power of songs well, and was truly coming into her own. She had never heard her sing with such force!
And speaking of singing…Lilith tilted her head to the side and listened. Amongst the distant sounds of all of the countless songs currently being sung in heaven, one had begun that called out to her.
Focusing on the melody, she clearly saw in her mind’s eye the scene. A grand heavenly building, with a large staircase out front, down which walked a party of three figures. A shell shocked looking seraphim trudging down the stairs as if they led to the gallows, that lovely angel Emily flitting around like a hummingbird, and… a confused looking serpentine angel who kept trying to look in every direction at once. Curious, she tuned into the words the young angel was singing.
Gosh, I’m so excited to show a redeemed sinner around!
After you see our realm, you’ll never wanna go back down.
The larger angel cut in with a wavering voice.
This can’t be happening!
How could it have turned out this way?
Emily turned towards them, a look of pure triumph on her face and even more energy in her voice as she continued.
‘Cause every single day in Heaven is a happy day!
Welcome to heaven!
As the song finished Lilith’s vision of the scene faded, the thoughts and passions that she had felt swirling around the singers disappearing from her mind as she leaned back on her chair.
Well…
This certainly was a busy day.
Lilith had been famed by the high nobility of hell for her unflappable demeanor, her face never moving or showing anything but a smile unless she wanted it to, or her family was around. And so her reaction to learning that the entire nature of heaven and hell had just been overturned and her daughter’s childhood dream proved true, was to slightly raise one eyebrow and let out a single huff of amusement.
Then she paused, remembering long conversations with heavenly souls. People who had seen through her serene expression with nothing but knowing looks. People who had asked her what victories she won by hiding her emotions. Discussions on the differences between controlling emotions and repressing them.
And so, deciding to take their advice, her calm face cracked and she began to cackle like a madwoman.
Fuck you Adam! Dead and proven wrong on the same damn day.
One thing was for sure, she mused. That was the second time now that Emily had appeared in a song directly supporting Charlie’s dream. Such remarkable kindness and openness must be rewarded. Something would need to be done for her, and after a moment’s thought Lilith decided on a simple solution.
Lilith’s family was the greatest gift she had ever received, and thus sharing it with another was the greatest gift she could grant.
So Emily would need to be adopted.
Lilith turned her attention out the window, still chuckling. The matter now firmly settled as far as she was concerned. Small matters like informing Emily of this development (and her own daughter and husband) could wait for another day.
Lilith stepped from the carriage and willed it to leave, setting a command to have it fly out into the distant forests of heaven, just to make finding it harder for the exorcists.
She was near the Pearly Gates now, having touched down in a statue garden close to them. trying to go through the gates would draw too much attention, but this close to the border she could make a portal easily.
She raised a hand to do so, but hesitated. Turning around she gazed back at the beautiful city behind her, trying to think about how to say goodbye to a place she had such complicated feelings towards.
When she had entered heaven it had been purely with the intent of learning how to help Lucifer and Charlie. Speaking to those souls with the experience and wisdom needed to help her daughter guide sinners, and help slowly pull her husband back onto solid ground.
What she had not expected was the slow discovery of how much she had needed help. She had thought herself the healthy one, the one member of their family that actually was fine . She had bought into the appearance of resolute confidence she showed to the world.
But as she traveled heaven, and spoke to its people, that had changed. Talking to those who still bore the scars of depression and self-destruction, kindly old grandparents who had watched their children die in pointless wars, and those who even now spent their afterlifes helping people whose personal demons had followed them even after death. So many had been so willing to share so much with her, with a stranger who only vaguely spoke of her own backstory.
And many of them had confessed when asked that it had been because they saw a kindred spirit in her. That even through her mask and lies they had seen old scars she had been too proud to acknowledge.
Over the years she had lost count of the number of support groups or similar meetings she had entered, intent only on leaching the needed knowledge from them, only to find herself in tears. Surrounded by the comforting presence of those who understood.
She had never thought of the people who went to heaven as being her people in the way she thought of sinners. These were the children of Adam and Eve, those who had rejected the gift of the Apple and followed along with heaven's plan.
She saw now that was foolish, a notion built on spite. These were people who were using her gift of free will as much as her sinners, it had just led them to a different end. In rejecting connection to them she had been doing the same thing Adam had, seeing them as other. Separating herself as only belonging in hell, with her own kind.
They were all one people, arbitrarily and cruelly separated by an inhuman will. The same lesson her Charlie had somehow known by instinct had taken her years here to realize.
And in turn she had left her mark on the people here. While she had never shared her true name, never told her story in anything but vague terms or sanitized snippets, she had spoken all the same.
She had spoken of a broken family, of memories of a people oppressed. Of dreams of freedom crushed by those who longed for control. She had spoken of others who stood by unaware while they suffered. And of those forced to be cruel by a cruel world, who were then judged for what they had done to survive.
Never of hell, never of Lilith or Lucifer. But the broad tragedy of their story was not so strange as to sound out of place if imagined on earth.
And people had listened, truly heard her, given her a shoulder to cry on. And while she had, their minds had begun to remember. Remember that it was not who they were that they were proud of, that had earned them paradise, but what they had done.
That they had sought out the wrong and pain in the world and sought to make it right. And they wondered what it was about the bright peace of heaven that had made them stop. If they really believed that the work had ended with their deaths.
They began to wonder if there was pain out there that they were ignoring even now.
And so, where once she would have simply portalled away, content in her pride to put this place behind her. Now instead she gave the city one last bow.
She had to return to her kingdom, her people there needed her help in a way the people of heaven never would, and she needed her family. But she would not project her contempt for the rulers of this place onto its people.
So she simply whispered into the wind, “May we know peace one day.” Then stepped backwards into the light of the portal. Her eyes closed she smiled, feeling the heat and brimstone welcome her.
She was home.