Chapter Text
“Well, it’s meditative,” Miguel said. “I suppose.”
“Amazing,” Unsuur said. “Look at it go.”
Burgess’ paint drying watch party was an unmitigated success. Now that he had finally been convinced to move into the biggest room in the dormitory, as the Minister, he supposed it was only natural to decorate a bit. Dan-bi had apologized since she couldn’t find a baby sitter, but way more people had shown up than he expected.
Sure, Miguel also lived in the dormitory and hadn’t spent much time out of it since he threw his back out a week ago. But the civil corp had sent a representative! Wow!
The builder stood silently, staring at the bright new color of the wall. They sipped their drink. Burgess had to assume they were having a good time. Who wouldn’t be?
Everyone stood in silence. The paint changed color as it dried, subtly. The fumes made Burgess a tiny bit dizzy.
“Does anyone want to open a window in here?” Miguel asked. Burgess was distracted, and no one else seemed to notice. “Never mind. Fine.” He got up, still walking bent from the thrown back, and cracked open a window. The excitement or his pain must have been getting to him, because he left the room right after.
“Wow,” Unsuur said. “Can’t beat it.”
The builder nodded.
“It’s such a powerful image, right? Like, I wonder if I can use it in a sermon. The change is slow, and if you try to rush it you make everything worse and get covered in paint, but once you’re done, it’s beautiful! It’s probably like life, right? Or maybe…” Burgess was lost in thought.
“Maybe. I just think it’s cool.” Unsuur hadn’t touched his drink.
“Yeah...maybe things can just be cool!”
The builder tentatively reached out and touched the wall. They nodded.
“Aw, man. It’s over?” Unsuur sighed. “Oh well. Nothing good lasts forever. Is that a sermon?”
“A really depressing one! But we’ll always have our memories, right? Wait! I have to write this down!”
The builder and Unsuur said their goodbyes and headed out. Burgess sifted through the stack of “Sorry I can’t make it” letters he’d gotten that morning. It was so polite of everyone to remember to RSVP. It was fine that only a few people had shown up, since even in the Big Room, there wasn’t really space for the entire town. He’d been so excited about commissioning paint, he’d forgotten about code violations! That went to show how excited he was. He was lucky the party had turned out to be so intimate, or he would have had to fine himself a lot of money.
Burgess went to find Miguel. He’d forgotten to fill out the party exit survey, and how could Burgess throw a better party in the future without surveying his guests? He found Miguel sitting in one of the more comfortable chairs on the first floor, paging through a book on religious writings from a hundred years ago.
He looked up when he heard Burgess coming down the stairs. “Why are you carrying all those papers?”
“Well, one of them is your post-party survey that you forgot to fill out, mister! But the rest’s mail from the morning. I’ve been so busy all day, I haven’t finished reading everyone’s apologies! It was so nice of them to all write this time, instead of when they didn’t show up to my birthday party the first year I moved here.”
“You have made an impression on the people of this town,” Miguel said. He always sounded tired, lately. Burgess thought he needed to spend more time outside, in the sunlight, but he was pretty sure he’d get dive-bombed by the doctor’s bird if he suggested Miguel overexert himself before he had healed enough and gotten the doc’s okay.
“I guess!” Not enough for more than a few people to show up to his party. Should he emphasize the food over the paint drying on the invites, next time? There had been a lot of people who would complain about Grace’s omelets but still went to town meetings to grab a free one.
Miguel diligently filled out his survey and handed it back. “Let me sort through some of the mail, as well. Please. I require a distraction.”
“The saints not doing it for you, tonight?” Burgess asked. He handed him half the stack of mail.
He paused, and then answered. “I do find it interesting how there was a point when the basic philosophy of the church could have gone in so many different directions, and instead settled on the path we are still on, today. There are some writings I believe I am inclined to agree with, and the discussions around why this or that rule or point was discarded is fascinating. Not so much at the moment, however.” He shifted, uncomfortably. Burgess could tell he was a few minutes away from pacing the house, again, while he waited until he could take some more of his medicine.
“It’s neat how we landed on just the right ideas. I bet the Light had a hand in guiding us here.”
“Hm, yes. It must have. There seem to be weaknesses in the path the church has chosen, but we are all weak. And that weakness…” he trailed off.
“It’s like a crack that lets the Light in, right?”
“So those things I have seen as flaws in our philosophy are in fact room for natural error. Space to move. Each person is flawed and so is any interpretation we have of the divine. Doubt when everyone else is sure, hope when the world seems cruel – they allow room for change and growth. Room to be wrong? So if we had chosen a different path to follow – one that was more narrow, unyielding – one that I might have found resonant, years ago – our church might not have been infiltrated by Duvos because our mistakes would have led us off the true path a hundred years ago.”
“I don’t know. I think the Light would have led us back again, somehow. Maybe the church would have a different name. But people would still be out feeding the hungry and talking about how we need to love each other, no matter what! I really believe that.”
He nodded. “Oh. I don’t recognize the name on this letter, but it’s also for you. Is this a new resident?” He held up the note.
Burgess didn’t recognize the handwriting, but after a second, he remember the name. “Oh! Wow!” He snatched it out of Miguel’s hand. “That’s my aunt! I thought she was de—had passed into the Light.”
“Oh, congratulations. It’s a blessing to discover you have living family you thought were gone.”
“She never got on with Ma, but I met her a couple times before they stopped hanging out.” He opened the letter.
Burg uss ,
I saw your name in the paper the other day, and could hardly believe it! I don’t know if you remember me at all, but this is your Aunt ie!
Congratulations on becoming a Minister at such a young age. I bet your mother cried her eyes out over it when she found out. Was she still with us, then? I wanted to go to the funeral, but I knew she wouldn’t have wanted me there. And no one told me until it was all over! But that’s fine. I had my own little ceremony and I didn’t hold it against anyone.
Did you know you have cousins? If she was still ripping up my letters, I wonder if she even knew about my family. Would you like to meet them? The argument with your mother was between us. I always wished I could see you again, but of course I had to stay away. Maybe the one small kindness from her passing is that we can reunite the family? I bet wherever she is, she regrets our fight and wishes we had made up before it was too late. That’s how I feel about it, too.
We heard your little town isn’t so little anymore, and it’s also a lot safer these days. I’d love to visit you – I assume you’re too busy these days to come out to u s, though we’d love to have you, if you’d prefer it.
Let me know if we can visit. Please don’t hold my argument with your mother against your cousins. They all want to meet you!
Love and Light forever,
Auntie Bourgia
“Huh.” Burgess set the letter down. “Apparently I have cousins!”
“It is a blessing, then,” Miguel said. He seemed to relax, as if he had been expecting bad news.
“Yeah! Wowie, I wasn’t expecting that. As if this day wasn’t exciting enough already!”
“Quite.”
“I wonder what their names all are. Oh! I need to write back immediately!”
Miguel took the stack of apologies and let him run off to find some fancy official looking stationary to write a response on.
--
It made sense, even if it was disappointing, that amazing-sounding things sometimes turned out to be not-so-great. No one could climb a mountain all the way into space – they’d have to walk down, eventually.
“It can’t be that big of a deal, Burgy-boy! You were so excited when your aunt visited before, right? Lin-lin had a great time meeting all your cousins.” Dan-bi gently watered some sprouts that had just poked out of the dirt. They were a new hybrid, and she and Burgess were both feeling overly protective of the buds until they knew for sure they were viable.
Burgess wrung his hands. “Sure. They’re all great. I mean, family’s family, right? I didn’t think I had any left and then, BAM! There sure are a lot of them, now! It’s great! I guess I’d just gotten used to, um...my mother’s – may she rest in peace! - brand of criticism? She always knew just how to make it sting without, like, doing permanent emotional damage? It was an art! And now I am where I am today because of it.”
“You can’t just let your kids do whatever they want. They need our guidance, right? Lin-lin would never eat her vegetables and, like, she’d die of malnutrition without us looking out for her. I know your ma just cared for you and wanted to be the best you can be.”
“Agreed! 100%! But, I’m not used to my aunt, and, like, I’m a grown man, now?”
“Is that a question?”
“No! I’m for real a man now. She’s gotten these ideas in her head about me needing her, um, guidance. But I already know I should eat my greens and follow the rules and so on.”
“I guess it’s normal since she last knew you as a kid to still see you as a kid. I read about it my parenting books. They say you should practice ‘compassionate detachment’ and your mom got the chance to do that in real time. I bet Auntie Burgess just needs some time to figure that out.” She set down the watering can.
“I don’t think she’s even done that with her own kids.” He paused. “Lin-lin is seven. You’re kind of reading ahead, aren’t you, Dan-bi?”
“You can never be too prepared! Anyway, what’s this about? You want me to take her aside next time she visits and have a little talk with her?” She punched her hand into her fist.
“What? No! We abhor violence!”
“Kidding, kidding. But, I do sort of mean it.” She considered the buds, and the way the water was turning the biocrust a dark green. “But, again...maybe we can just practice what you want to say, and you should say it? That’d probably show her you don’t need her to be replacement-mommy anymore better than anything I said to her.”
“Right.”
She pointed at him. “Okay. Repeat after me. ‘Auntie Burg! I love you and respect you! But you need to stop --” she broke off, abruptly. “Uh, whatever it is she’s doing. Or saying.”
“Oh. She keeps trying to set me up on blind dates because I guess I’m too old? But she’s remarried three times and she was sixty for the last one, so I’m pretty sure she should figure out I have more time?”
“She’s one of those, huh. But, what’s the problem? Just tell her you’re not interested in dating right now.”
“I told her I’m married to the church right now to try and soften the blow. But she just said I couldn’t have babies with it and she just wants me to be happy and start a family before I get too old. It’s a very nice sentiment, which is why it’s hard.”
“Then, go on a couple dates. Maybe you’ll like them, or then you can just tell her it isn’t working.”
“No, I’d really rather not. Go on a blind date. Ever again, if possible? I haven’t had very good luck with those, Dan-bi. And, well...I don’t know if my aunt knows me well enough to figure out if someone would like me.”
She sighed. “You just gotta tell her, Burgess. You know that.”
“I know that. Okay, let’s try it. Aunt Bourgia! I love you! You’re really great and I’m glad you’re coming to visit all the time! Please stop bringing every single girl you know on your trips with you and then disappearing to ‘grab something you forgot’ and leaving for several hours. The ladies have all been very nice but it’s making me uncomfortable!”
“Yeah! Just say all that.”
“Maybe in a letter. She looks too much like my Ma. What if she cries?”
“Eh, maybe she looks like her, but she’s not her. She and your mom had a whole falling out. Don’t worry so much!”
“Yeah. I could definitely stand to not worry so much.” If only feelings came out a faucet he could turn off.
Dan-bi left after a few more practice rounds. Burgess didn’t mind shouting what he was going to say, even if he’d already decided to write a letter.
--
“Man. Is it just me, or is this envelope giving off a bad aura?” Burgess held up an unopened letter.
Miguel glanced up a second from his breakfast, only mildly curious. “No. Is that from your aunt?”
“Yeah. Is there a sudden chill in the air? Maybe that’s just me.”
“Are you worried about something, Minister?” one of the new acolytes poked her head into the dormitory's kitchen.
“N-no! I’m completely confident!” He couldn’t let the new kids see him like this.
“I don’t think that’s an evil aura or anything,” she said. “It just smells really strong. Like...perfume?”
“Oh! I bet she dried those flowers I asked for.” Maybe it would be okay. Burgess opened the envelope, putting on an air of confidence for the new recruits. “And some seeds? Score! They won’t live outside in the desert, but I bet they will look really nice in a pot inside!”
“Oooo, nice,” she said. “The smell reminds me of old people perfume, though.”
“I’ve heard of plants really really far away from here that smell like rotting meat. That’s so gross, but really cool, right? At least these just smell like old people.”
“Rotting meat? Oh, you’re speaking of rafflesia?” Miguel asked. “I have seen them. Evil smelling parasites, but fascinating. Did you often visit the moisture farms in Meidi, Katrin?”
She froze. “Sometimes,” she said. “I always meant to go more, but, um, you know how it is.”
“Of course. That was never the emphasis of your studies.” Miguel’s slight frown betrayed his opinion on modern educational practices.
The girl’s toast popped up, she grabbed it and hustled out of the kitchen.
Miguel sighed. “I suppose it has been long enough that they would have completely changed their lessons.” He delicately picked up one of the loose seeds that had fallen out of Burgess’ envelope. “I believe you will need to ask them to modify biocrust at the moisture farm if you want these to flower.”
“I’ll probably just give the seeds to Zeke and see what he can do with ‘em.” Burgess pulled out a letter, and a number of powerful smelling dried petals scattered over the table.
“That would be a wiser first step than sticking them in a pot and hoping for the best,” Miguel said.
Miguel gripped the edge of the table and stood. Burgess had been impressed with his progress since his surgery, but apparently it took over a year to heal from it entirely. Watching Miguel stand and sit could get pretty exciting in the dormitory these days. Burgess tried to get over and help him out, but after a couple weeks post-op, that only earned him a light swat on the arm.
He hovered a bit until he was sure Miguel was up without incident, and then went back to his letter. It wasn’t very long. He read it twice and then sat so heavily down in his own chair that the legs creaked.
“What’s wrong? Bad news?” Miguel gripped the edge of the table a little tighter.
“Oh, no. No one’s sick or anything.” He sighed. “I know you’re not really in charge of scheduling anymore, but can you think of any like...meetings? Symposiums? Retreats I could maybe, um, retreat to? In…” His eyes flicked over the letter again. “Two weeks?”
His hand relaxed. “Not off the top of my head. Are we to look forward to a visit from your family again?”
“Just my aunt this time. And her ‘friend,’ ugh.”
“Is she getting married again?”
“No, the last one’s still sticking, I guess. Wait, that’s mean. I mean, I think she’s found real love this time? And you know...do you remember how after Dan-bi had a baby, she decided everyone else in town should start having babies?”
“No. I was, hm, indisposed, at the time.”
“Oh, right. Well, anyway, I think maybe she’s gotten weird about marriage – my aunt, I mean, not Dan-bi – because she’s so happy now! So even though I’ve told her a few times really politely that I’m not interested in whatever nice girls she brings with her, she still, um, keeps bringing them. Except that time she brought a guy because she thought that was why I wasn’t interested.”
It occurred to him that this would be the first time Miguel heard about this particular trouble. He seemed confused. “I’m surprised you’d be so against it.”
“Well, I am. And I was really really clear this time like Dan-bi told me to be. And now she says ‘oh, that’s fine!” But is still bringing her along! And since she’s still coming, I should make sure she has a good time and gets a tour of town! Which, sure, okay, I don’t mind doing that. It’s only polite. All the people she’s brought along have been very nice.”
“But not...marriage material?” He seemed amused.
Burgess didn’t want to get into it in the middle of the kitchen. “Are you sure you can’t think of anything? Is there a hermitage that needs tending for a couple months?”
“I don’t think you want to leave Sandrock for that long.”
“Does that mean there is one?”
Miguel shook his head.
--
With the whole “stripped of his title forever” thing, the “recovering from surgery” thing, and the “generally around” thing, Burgess found it easiest to talk with Miguel about his family problems. He was kind of there all the time.
The builder was a closer personal friend, maybe, but they had a growing family and had so much work when they weren’t with family. Dan-bi was also constantly busy. The new church people were all sort of like his employees? Which was weird. They all called him “Minister” and listened when he said things.
Miguel got a salary from the church for tending to the gardens and helping with non-storage related paperwork. He lived in the dorms because Burgess wanted him to stay there and he basically got full say over that sort of thing these days. Did that make Miguel his employee? Miguel once said he thought of himself more as his “disciple,” which had made Burgess feel so weird Miguel had never said it again. He still listened way too close when Burgess talked sometimes, though. Like his half formed thoughts were important enough to store away in his memory.
Burgess had learned so much from Miguel when he finished his basic training. He’d really looked up to him, respected him. They both saw how important rules were, but just wanted what was best for the people in town and the Light. And then, bam! Everything was really awful! But things changed again, and suddenly he was in charge of Miguel and the spiritual wellness of him and everyone else in town. Justice was technically in charge of his parole, but Burgess was in charge of making sure Justice was bored keeping an eye on Miguel.
Now, he didn’t have to pay attention to Miguel in that way as much. Miguel was free to leave town and go wherever in the Free Cities he wanted, but he stayed where he was. He tended the church’s plants and looked sad and tired. He went to every service he was physically capable of attending and spoke gently when someone spoke to him. He was rigid in his honesty about what he had done. Burgess wondered, sometimes, if Miguel was capable of forgiving himself. If he wasn’t, and no one else in town was, Burgess would just have to be the one to do it.
He supposed the closest word he could think to describe their current relationship was “sort-of friends.” Maybe in a decade or so, Miguel would remember that Burgess was just another acolyte of the light and could stop being weird, and they could be buddies for real. He hoped so.
“Aren’t you supposed to be walking around right now?” Burgess asked him. “It’s after seven. Can I come with you? I think I need some fresh air, you know?”
Miguel nodded. “The walking helps more than I expected. And, yes, it is about time.” He started to turn to pull on his jacket, but Burgess grabbed it before he could twist his spine. Miguel rolled his eyes but let Burgess help him with his coat.
Burgess tsked and reminded him that he was supposed to keep his back straight until the bones finished fusing.
“I’m incredibly aware of this,” Miguel said. “But there are limits to how much it can be avoided.”
“Sure, but I’m right here. I’ll do whatever. You know that.”
“I know.” Miguel looked away. “I suppose I still need some lessons in humility.”
“It’s not about being humble,” Burgess argued. “It’s about being practical. Right? If this heals right, I won’t have to embarrass you anymore with this.”
He pat Burgess’ arm. “I don’t really mind.”
They left the dormitory together. They took the long, sloping way down the hill instead of the stairs. Plenty of people – tourists and townsfolk – were out and about, but this way they were mostly by themselves.
Miguel cleared his throat after a few minutes of companionable silence. “Have you begun planning for the wedding yet? I don’t mind helping with the paperwork, if you’re too busy.” He sounded amused with himself.
Burgess fought irritation. No one liked a grumpy gus. “My aunt never replied to the last letter I sent, so I’m just assuming they’re both on the way here.”
“You just need to be firm. Or accept your fate, perhaps.”
“Ugh. No thank you.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. The moon was partially obscured by clouds that night. Lucky for them, the town builders had added brighter lighting to keep drunk tourists from tripping and rolling down the hill. It didn’t actually help the drunks much, but Burgess appreciated it for his own completely sober clumsiness.
“You needn’t be so somber. Perhaps...you’ll get along? Would that be terrible?”
“Um, it won’t work out like that.” He glanced down at Miguel, who was busy paying very close attention to his own steps. “Old ladies are always trying to set up blind dates for me, and it’s nice for finding out how great a personality I have, but I’ve never gone on a second one, even when I liked whoever I went out with. It’s kind of embarrassing, after a while. The old ladies talk me up and then…” he shrugged. “I just don’t think there’s any point going through that over and over.”
Miguel was quiet for a minute. “Well, don’t. But are you sure that is actually what you want? I always saw you as someone who would eventually start your own family.”
“That would be nice, but I’m happy with my life now, how it is. I’d rather just have that happen, if the Light wants it to, than disappoint a bunch of people who were told I was the next best thing to steamed sandfish. Or, worse? What if I end up having someone decide I’m better than nothing and pretend they like me?”
Miguel suddenly slowed. He reached over and gripped the sleeve of Burgess’ shirt. Burgess thought maybe he was pretending to trip so that he could give Burgess a comforting touch on the arm. He’d rather a hug, but Burgess would take what he could get.
“I’m sorry you’ve been treated so cruelly,” Miguel said. “And that you expect such behavior. I think I see why you’re so set against it.” He was still looking down, so Burgess couldn’t read his expression. “It sounds like even if you met the potential light of your life on one of these blind dates, your heart would not be open to accepting them. There might be some value, for you, in working through that. In time. It is difficult to find people if you refuse to look. But, forcing it – there is no kindness in that. For you, or your date.”
“Right. It kind of sucks for them more than it does for me, if you think about it.”
“I’m not sure that’s true. But, either way. If you want to maintain a relationship with your aunt, you are going to need to explain to her some of what you said to me. And be firm.”
“Yeah. That’s what Dan-bi says, too.” He sighed. “I just can’t say it when my aunt’s right in front of me. She looks just like…well, you can guess.”
“And she ignores the letters. Honestly, Burgess, you’ve already been honest. I think at this point, you just have to do what you need to. She has a kind heart, perhaps, but can also be manipulative and sure of her own rightness. I worry that she is destroying your relationship with her. And eventually, the rest of your new-found family. You are considering leaving town to avoid her.”
“So I need to be even more blunt. To save the relationship?”
He shrugged. “Or lie. You’re seeing someone.”
“I can’t lie! That always just causes more problems later.”
“I wouldn’t normally suggest it to you. But I remember when you opened her first letter, and how delighted you were to meet her. And now you’re seeing if you can be a last minute conference attendee in Atara in order to avoid her. Your mother never reconnected with her.”
There was a small crowd waiting at the yakmel station by the gaming center. Mi-an had set up more benches in the area, and they found an empty one to rest on for a minute.
“That would be a shame. Especially if my cousins stopped visiting. Or only came by when they wanted to ride the roller-coasters.” He sighed. “But I’m not going to lie about it. I already told her I’m busy, and she didn’t care.”
“Hm. Maybe you should just be pen-pals with her, then. I wish…” he trailed off.
“I don’t want that, either.”
“...I wish you wouldn’t find it so easy to let people hurt you. But...there’s also something admirable in that. I’m not the person who should be giving you advice here.”
“I already know what I should do. But, I dunno! I guess I wanted to talk about it, even if there’s no answer.”
He nodded. “Thank you for trusting me to listen.”
They both got up again and started back down towards the moisture farm. The crowds thinned in that direction. Zeke was in his home, having dinner, but he left the moisture farm unlocked until later in the evening. They both went in and Miguel stood very still in the door, breathing deeply.
“Pretty soon you’ll be able to come down here all the time again,” Burgess said.
He nodded, but immediately changed the subject. He had an idea to add more planter boxes to the church, and soon enough they were discussing the specifics of the survey Burgess was going to give his temple-goers to find out what varieties people liked best.
It started to get late. Miguel noticed first. "We should head back. Zeke will make a noble effort at small talk if we stay until his return.”
They were both considering their respective list-making for most of the return walk. Halfway up the hill, Miguel had to pause and lean against a rock wall. He suddenly laughed. “Here’s an idea. Why not just ask someone to genuinely date you? If you exchange a heart knot, it will be a real enough relationship, and then end things when you feel confident to speak properly with your aunt. There are any number of people in town who would do that as a favor for you.”
“Uh, that’s still really dishonest.”
“Is it? How?”
“The feelings wouldn’t be there? It wouldn’t be a real relationship.”
“But it would technically be one. I’m not sure she has done anything to deserve your emotional honesty, since she doesn’t believe you when you tell her the truth.”
Burgess found himself considering it, just for a second. Who could he ask? Big ‘no’ on his married friends, if he was doing this to be technically honest. He thought about a few of the single people in town, and felt his face get hot thinking about asking them for this favor. “I can’t.”
Miguel nodded. “I should have assumed.”
“No, it’s not actually that bad of an idea, especially if it’s just to get her to leave me alone about it for a while. But...it feels wrong, you know?”
“I can imagine it would.”
“Thank you for trying, though.”
“I wish I could think of a real way to help, but…” he shrugged, “This is hardly my area of expertise.”
“You mean kids weren’t lining up to get relationship advice from you at school?” Could that be taken as sarcasm? He didn’t mean it that way. Sure, Miguel was prickly, but he knew a lot of stuff.
“Hardly. Though they did more than you would expect. I believe Matilda seemed more the type to listen.”
“I don’t want to think about what kind of secretly evil advice she gave people.”
“Like, ‘you’ll feel better about the end of your romantic dalliance if you join the Duvos army?’ No, she was never the one who directly recruited people. She just shared information so they knew what to say to get people to join them.”
“’Oh, it’ll get better, dear,’” Burgess said, in his best Matilda voice, “’Don’t pay attention to me talking to these guys over here about the private thing you just said to me.’” He frowned. “I try not to hate her! But she makes it really difficult when I think about it for too long. So I won’t!”
“There’s no value in someone like you spending your time on it.”
“Yeah, except to figure out what not to do.”
“Of course.”