Archive of Our Own

“Too slow,” Gunwook says, dribbling the ball behind him. Ricky steps in between his legs momentarily and gets it out of his possession. It’s really no use. Ricky’s always been better than him at one on ones.

“Too easy,” Ricky says before he takes off across the court to dramatically dunk the ball in the goal. Gunwook doesn’t even spare him another look or even another attempt to continue their game. Instead, he gathers his stuff and slings his duffel bag over his shoulder. Ricky jogs over to him, dribbling the ball and doing all those insane little tricks no one can keep up with. 

“Don’t go quitting on me,” he says with one last bounce of the ball before he tucks underneath his arm. 

Gunwook lets out a laugh. “Nah, just tired, that's all.”

“That’s what they all say,” Ricky responds, throwing his arm over Gunwook’s shoulder. He reeks of sweat and cologne in probably the same way Gunwook does. Hitting the showers here wouldn’t be the worst, but definitely not ideal. Ricky follows him all the way to the locker room, ranting to him about how coach won’t let him “do his own plays” and how as the captain it’s “his right.” Gunwook doesn’t really know, he’s more focused on what he’s going to eat after this.

“It’s just because you’re a first year,” Gunwook says, opening his locker. Inside there’s not much. Just a few spare things he keeps here in case he forgets what he needs at home. Ricky’s locker is filled to the brim with pictures of himself and like, Lebron James.

“Fuck all that,” Ricky responds across the room. His locker is on the opposite side of the row. If Gunwook listens closely enough he can hear him fiddling with the lock. Ever since middle school he’s never been good at getting them open—Gunwook smiles at the mental image. 

“I’m the best player on the team.” Usually he’d tell him to shut up, but he’s right. Their team isn’t the worst, but it’s not the best. It wasn’t until Gunwook and Ricky joined that they finally started showing real numbers. But Ricky takes some getting used to. Appearing suddenly and snatching point guard and captain isn’t something any average person does. 

Gunwook bites the inside of his cheek and grabs a change of clothes. Shower it is. He throws his towel over one shoulder and closes his locker. 

“You won’t get anywhere with that big head of yours.”

Ricky appears from around the corner comically on time, his lips curled up. He fakes a punch at Gunwook before walking past him and saying, “Yours is bigger than mine.”

“Untrue. You showering here too?” Gunwook asks before following him. The showers aren’t that bad, everything is just kind of out in the open. Typical for a men’s locker room. Okay if you’re not full of shame. 

Ricky sets his bag of toiletries in one of the stalls. Gunwook watches him grab the back of his shirt to take it off in one go. “Gyuvin’s annoying the shit out of me,” Ricky huffs out, reaching forward to turn the faucet on. Based on how he flinches back, it must be too cold.

“Less time I spend around him the better.” 

“I told you, you should've just roomed with me,” Gunwook says, taking the stall next to him. They had planned to be roommates until Ricky said he was going to apply for a random one last minute before last semester started. Gunwook tried not to take offense to it—figuring it’s best to be apart after spending nearly a lifetime together. Childhood friends since second grade.

“And listen to you sleep talk? No thanks.” Gunwook doesn’t protest, but he doesn’t even do that anymore.

Gunwook laughs and throws off his own shirt along with the rest of clothes. He turns the water onto hot immediately—not in the mood to ease into it. Cold water isn’t that bad anyway.

“It’d be better than fighting with Gyuvin all the time, no?”

Gunwook lives in an apartment with a senior named Hao. He was looking for a roommate and Gunwook jumped at the chance to skip out on freshman dorms. Suddenly, Ricky abandoning him didn’t feel all that bad. He has his own room and bathroom and it doesn’t get any better than that. Ricky called him a lucky bitch, but still stubbornly stood his ground as Gyuvin’s roommate. Gunwook told him to suit himself.

He peeks over at Ricky, just being able to see his head and a bit of his chest. He’s standing directly underneath the shower head, letting the water drench him completely. He always showers like that.

Gunwook tears his eyes away from him and turns the faucet back a little. “You’re about to wash your hair aren’t you.”

“I told you, anything to spend less time in my room.”

Gunwook reaches for his own soap. “Why don’t you just admit that you like him?”

Ricky wipes a hand over his face and blinks his eyes open. “Like him? You’re kidding.”

“Like…love…makes your dick get up? How do you want me to put it?” The beat of silence confirms Gunwook’s speculations. Ricky grumbles something that he can’t make out. 

“Doesn’t matter. I’m like his worst nightmare.”

Gunwook’s only met Gyuvin a few times, mostly in the event of Ricky wanting to walk to practice together. It usually resulted in awkward small talk about school or hobbies while they waited for Ricky to get out of the bathroom. Anyway, he’s a real religious guy—plays the drums in a band with some of his friends that go to school here. Gunwook doesn’t judge; his parents are Christian, but it just never really trickled down to him.

“He probably thinks you’re an atheist huh? You look like one.”

Ricky sighs out, leaning his head back underneath the water to wash all of the suds out of his hair. “Body is a temple, he says that kind of shit.” Gunwook wants to ask him what he thought about his neck tattoo—it probably made a funny culture shock.

“Get down on your knees and beg, tell him you’ll change for him.” 

Ricky barks out a laugh and says, “Bullshit.”

“I think you could do it. Where’d the cockiness from five minutes ago run off too?” 

“You think I could get him of all people to crack? He’s a prude.”

Gunwook side eyes him. “It’s not like you’re anything special, you're a prude and a virgin.”

Ricky scoffs. “I am not a virgin.”

Expecting that response, Gunwook can’t help but smile. He bends down to scrub at his legs. “You would’ve told me if you lost it,” he says nodding, even though Ricky can’t see him. 

He can hear feet slapping against the tile. “I don’t have to tell you everything.”

Gunwook bends back up. “You told me when you got hemorrhoids that one time in 10th grade. I didn’t even need to know that.”

“You promised you’d never bring that up again,” Ricky says back immediately. 

“You made me.”

Gunwook looks over at him when he doesn’t respond after a few seconds. He watches him let the water fall over his face—he still doesn’t know how he can do that. Eveytime Gunwook does he feels like he can barely breathe. “Why are you tripping? It’s not like I’m going around fucking anyone either,” Gunwook says. 

“Ah yes. The loser virgins club that consists of us. I feel much better.”

Gunwook shrugs. “You could get on a dating app.”

“That’s dangerous.” He forgot how conservative Ricky was about things like that. He always talked about meeting someone “organically.” Gunwook can’t help but think it’s kind of unrealistic, especially in the time they’re living in.

“Meet someone in one of your classes?” He offers instead. He knows Ricky is too introverted for that kind of thing though. He’s the complete opposite of Gunwook. 

“Too embarrassing.”

Gunwook laughs. “How about me?”

Ricky squints at him. “That’s not funny.”

“Oh wow, you really like him don’t you?”

“No, I just-”

Gunwook cuts in with, “you just…?” 

Ricky turns off his water and runs a hand through his hair. “Like wanting something that I can’t have. You know?” He almost seems embarrassed to admit it. That’s just like him. 

“No, I don’t know.” That’s not really the way Gunwook works. He only goes for things he knows he can have. Like valedictorian, class president, or a spot on the university basketball team. Things like that. Dating is complicated, so he ignores it. Maybe that’s why he feels so bored right now. He wakes up, goes to class, goes to practice, plays with Ricky, goes home, and repeats all of it the next day. His first year of college should be fun. These are his prime years after all. 

So he gets this dumb idea.

“Let’s make a bet,” Gunwook says, turning off his own water and grabbing his towel to wrap around his waist.

“All bad ideas start with that sentence,” Ricky responds, disappearing from his eyesight momentarily. Gunwook leans against the wall separating them. 

“Let’s see who can lose it first.”

Ricky bends back up and pushes him back, grabbing his own towel. Gunwook rolls his eyes. It’s not like it’s anything he hasn’t seen before. 

“No.”

“No?”

Ricky blinks at him. “No.” 

“Why?”

“It’s not fair. If I have to do Gyuvin.”

Gunwook grabs his things and heads back into the locker room. Ricky follows. “I didn’t even say anything about Gyuvin.”

“He’s the only one I’d be willing to do it with.” 

“Whose problem is that?”

“It’s about to be your problem if you keep pissing me off.”

Gunwook ignores the comment and clicks his tongue. “If Gyuvin really hated you, he would’ve gotten a new roommate by now.” 

Ricky walks past him to the other side. “I guess.” 

“So there’s a chance.” Gunwook’s right. And Ricky knows he’s right. Changing roommates isn’t the most difficult thing to do. It’s quite easy actually. There’s something keeping Gyuvin as Ricky’s roommate, they just have to find out.

“You sound more hopeful than me.”

“Someone’s gotta do it.”

Ricky comes around the corner when Gunwook’s halfway done with getting dressed. He shrugs his backpack up his shoulder.

“So who are you gonna choose?”

Gunwook pulls his hoodie over his head and grabs his duffle bag. “I’ll find someone.”

“It’s not that easy,” Ricky says back. And Gunwook knows it’s not that easy, but it doesn’t have to be that difficult. 

“Would you like for me to find a church boy too? Maybe a catholic one? Would that make you feel better?”

“Actually yes. I don’t want to put all this work in while you don’t even have to try.”

“Of course I have to try,” Gunwook says before shutting his locker one last time. He juts out his hand to Ricky. “So we have a deal?”

Ricky stares at his hand before meeting it in a slap. 

“I won’t lose.”

—

Ricky’s going to lose. 

How Gunwook knows is because of the way Ricky can barely talk to Gyuvin. Gunwook was doing his usual routine: walk to Ricky’s dorm so they can walk back to practice together. Gyuvin met him at the door. 

“Oh, hey Gunwook.”

“What’s up man, Ricky in here?”

Gyuvin’s face seemingly drops at the mention of his friend’s name. He runs a hand through his hair before letting it fall back to his side. “Bathroom. He’s been in there for a while,” he sighs out, stepping to the side to let Gunwook come in. Their dorm is always a mess—the typical ‘teenage boy with no mom around to clean for them’ type of messy. Another reason why Ricky should’ve chosen Gunwook as his roommate. He’s always been neat.

Gyuvin goes back to his desk as if he’s already forgotten Gunwook is in the room, Nice. Gunwook knocks on the bathroom door. 

“Gyuvin don’t knock on this door!” He hears Ricky say from the other side. Gyuvin whips his head around that comment before shaking his head and turning back around. 

Gunwook bites his lip. “It’s Gunwook.”

In a split second, he’s being yanked into the bathroom with the door closing behind him. Ricky has this panicked look on his face and a death grip on his wrist. 

Gunwook speaks first. “Is that how you always talk to him?”

“I can’t do it,” Ricky whines, uncharacteristically, before letting him go to turn back to the mirror. Gunwook leans back against the door and watches him fix his hair. He doesn’t know why he does that for practice anyway, it’ll just get messed up and sweaty. It’s something about his pride as the captain—having to look good.

“Everytime I open my mouth something mean comes out,” Ricky whispers. Gunwook would laugh if Gyuvin wasn’t so capable of hearing every word they say. These walls are pretty thin. 

“You flirt like a fifth grader,” Gunwook mouths back.

“Thanks for the encouragement.”

Gunwook nods before turning around. “I have a plan.” He doesn’t get too far because Ricky is yanking him back before he can touch the door knob. 

“Do not open that door without telling me what you’re going to do.”

Gunwook scoffs and shakes his hand out of Ricky’s hold. They can’t just hide in the bathroom forever. “I’m just going to talk to him. Like a normal person. I know that’s hard for you.” Gunwook ignores the rest of Ricky’s protests that seem to die as soon as he swings open the door. 

“Hey Gyuvin, you’re in a band right?” Gunwook says as he moves across the room. If his body language is open, he’ll seem easier to talk to. Something he learned in a communications class a few months ago.

Gyuvin turns around in his chair and crosses his arms over his chest. Gunwook takes the moment to observe how long his limbs are. He probably gets asked if he’s a basketball player all the time. 

“Yeah, why?”

“Do you guys play anywhere? Ricky was telling me how good you guys are.”

Gyuvin’s face immediately scrunches up, in a funny way that makes all of his features squish together. “Ricky told you that? Really?”

“Yeah, he talks about you all the time.” Ricky, who apparently followed close behind him, digs his elbow into his side. It’s not like it’s a lie anyway.

“I hope it’s not too negative.” 

You have no idea is what he wants to say, but Gunwook’s always been really good at talking so he can get them through this. A little few lies can’t hurt.

“No, of course not! He loves how you play the drums.”

Gyuvin squints, unamused with the conversation. “He hasn’t heard me play the drums.” Well he’s more observant than Gunwook thought. He opens his mouth to speak again but Ricky beats him to it.

“I have! I looked you guys up on IG,” Ricky cuts in, more smoothly than Gunwook expected him to be. He mentally pats him on the back. Gyuvin however, still doesn’t really look like he believes them.

His eyes flicker between Gunwook and Ricky before he says, “hard to believe.”

“So..?” Gunwook continues.

“Yeah, we’re playing in the auditorium at the BCM meeting this Friday.”

Gunwook raises his eyebrows. “BCM?”

Gyuvin gives him a look that says of course you wouldn’t know what that is but i’m trying to be nice. “Baptist Collegiate Ministry.”

Gunwook waves his hands in the air. “Right. We knew that.”

“So you’re really coming…” Gyuvin leans over to look past Gunwook and at Ricky, “both of you?”

Gunwook waves his hands again to get his attention back on him. “Yes! we’ll be there to watch you guys shred it.” He hears Ricky mumble something about how no one says that.

Gyuvin spares them one last glance before turning back to his computer. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“Wow he’s got a stick up his ass,” Gunwook says the second they make it out into the hallway. Ricky’s already got his basketball out and dribbles it against the carpeted floor as they walk.

“I know.”

“Don’t I know me. You’re the one who put it there. You could start with being maybe a little nicer to him.”

Ricky shrugs him off, like a kid, before jogging up to hit the top of an entry way they pass. Gunwook shakes his head.

—

“Gunwook! You’re home!” 

Hao stands in their kitchen with his arms outstretched, glass of wine in one hand, phone in the other. Gunwook always tells him he should probably stop getting tipsy on school nights but Hao always shoots him down saying it helps him sleep better. Whatever that means. 

He’s known Hao since the start of last semester so it’s been about seven months. He’s an easy roommate to have. Most of the time if he’s bothering Gunwook it’s just because he wants to know if he’s okay. It’s all a part of his self proclaimed “guardian angel” role that he has in Gunwook’s life. 

So he has no problem oversharing to Hao and telling him all the things he can’t tell Ricky. 

“That’s a dumb bet,” Hao says.

“I know.”

Hao takes another sip out of his glass. “So why’d you suggest it?”

Gunwook takes a seat in one of the stools at the bar. “To help Ricky out or something, I don’t really know. He seems to like Gyuvin.”

“And seducing him is the best option?”

Gunwook slouches. “Hao.”

He sits his glass down and puts his hands up in defense. “What? Is that not what you just told me?”

“I mean, yeah, but Ricky seemed upset about being a virgin and I felt bad. I came up with a solution.”

He really did. Gunwook didn’t know Ricky really thought about it that much—or he was just expecting for him to eventually lose it and tell him about it one day because that’s how all things in life work. Not for it to be like this.

“Yes, childhood bestfriends losing their virginity together is the epitome of friendship.” Hao’s always messing with him like that. It’s like he finds Gunwook’s journey through adulthood funny.

“So what was your first time like?”

The question seems to catch Hao off guard. He straightens his posture. “Uh, well it was in my dorm room.”

Gunwook nods. “Familar.”

“With a guy,” he adds on.

“Obviously,” Gunwook laughs.

Hao looks off into space as if he’s thinking about it. “And it was…kinda gross actually. He was sweaty.”

“...Realistic.”

“It was also uncomfortable.”

Gunwook frowns. “Well that doesn’t sound fun.”

Hao waves it off and picks up his glass again. “Forget about me. Your first time should be with someone who you like and not a random stranger you hookup with. It’s better that way.”

“Well I have to find somebody who I like.”

The older man scrunches up his face like he can’t believe what Gunwook just said. “You mean you agreed to this and you don’t even have a person in mind. No crush or anything? What kind of nineteen year old are you?”

“All I know are the guys on the basketball team.” Which is the truth really. He’s not involved in many other things since playing a sport is too overbearing. There are people that he sees in his classes but he’s never felt moved to really interact with anyone. Maybe he’s just as introverted as Ricky.

Gunwook explains to Hao how he’s kind of just going with it and how Ricky wants him to choose another religious boy to hit on so it’s equally as “hard.” Saying it all outloud just sounds silly. 

Hao nods. “Oh, church boys are the freakiest. They’ve got all that pent up energy in them because they don’t want to disobey uh, higher powers. Hanbin is a Christian you know.”

Hanbin is Hao’s boyfriend and probably soon to be husband. They’ve been dating for four years and don’t look tired of each other at all yet. Or maybe you’re not supposed to get tired of someone you like and Gunwook’s just childish still. 

“Honestly I wish he was here, he’d probably give you better advice than I ever could.”

“I don’t need advice, Ricky needs advice.”

“Trust me, you do need advice. If anything this is making me worry about you even more. Do I need to send you a sex education article? You can’t just sleep with anyone you know.”

“No Hao, I know.”

“Do you even own condoms?” Gunwook’s silence probably speaks for him. These things have just never been on his mind. All he thinks about is school and basketball. That’s what matters and that’s what he’s good at.

Hao laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the world. “Wow you don’t. We can go to the gas station for that tomorrow.”

Gunwook shakes his head.“Gas station?”

Hao shrugs. “They’re cheap there. If you wanna go somewhere else you can buy them yourself.”

Gunwook’s broke. Real broke. He has no job and only survives off of mooching Hao and the money his mother sends him occasionally. So, he says nothing in return. 

“That’s what I thought.”

—

Gunwook shouldn’t have agreed to this. 

He’s six feet tall, but right now he’s cowering behind Hao like he’s small enough to be hidden. And god, does he wish he actually was. 

“Oh I love this brand!” Hao exclaims before reaching forward to grab a package of condoms. 

“You could be a little quieter,” Gunwook mumbles, peering around them. There’s maybe like one other guy in the store anyway. Hao tugs on the sleeve of his hoodie and Gunwook stumbles forward. “You’re such a baby. Get up here.”

Hao turns to him.“First things first-”

“Please don’t tell me we’re about to have a sex talk in the middle of the aisle,” Gunwook says, cutting him off. 

“It’d be better if I explained it here,” Hao motions towards the array of products, “with props. The more you interrupt me the longer it goes.”

Gunwook shuts his mouth after Hao glares at him. He drove him here and offered to buy everything after all. Hao lifts a finger. “The first thing you ask is if your partner has been tested. None of that are you clean shit that you jocks like to say. Be direct.”

“If they hesitate, they’re lying, and you have to run away immediately.” Gunwook coughs out a laugh, hand on his chest. 

“In the case they are clean though,”

Hao moves to the side so Gunwook can see better. “You need a condom, don’t do it without one for the first time, it's not safe. I assume you can figure out how to put it on. Get the right size or you’ll regret it.” Gunwook just goes for the regular size to avoid this taking any longer. If he needs something else he’ll just come back without Hao.

“Next, It’d be good to have lube of your own just in case the other person doesn’t have any.” Hao hands him a small package, saying it’s “what works the best” before heading to the register. Gunwook observes the box.

“I just carry this around?”

Hao waves a hand behind him and uses his other one to pull out his wallet. “Yeah, in your pocket…in your shoe…in your underwear…you could get a crossbody bag if you wanted to.”

He makes some more jokes that Gunwook can only sit there and take before they get back to his car. Gunwook sits the plastic bag in his lap and nearly laughs. Is this really what he’s doing?

“Oh and Gunwook,” Hao says, clicking on his seatbelt. He reaches over to rest a hand on Gunwook’s arm. “The last thing you need is love.”

“Real corny.”

“You’ll thank me one day.”

—

“Why are you so late?” Ricky says first after opening the door, immediately walking back into the bathroom. Gunwook closes the front door and leans against the bathroom door frame. 

“I had to walk here, remember.” Honestly he could’ve left earlier, but Hao was talking his ear off about giving his advice to Ricky as well. He’ll try his best. 

“Gyuvin say anything to you before he left?”

Ricky frowns at his reflection before meeting Gunwook’s gaze. “He just said see you there. Whatever that meant.” 

“I think it means what it means.”

“Help me figure out what I should wear,” Ricky says, brushing past him into his room. Gunwook follows close behind before collapsing on Ricky’s bed—good enough view of what he’s pulling out of his closet.

“And this matters because? You know we’re hanging out with Christians tonight right.”

“Yeah, so I should look better than usual. Gyuvin’s only seen me in what I wear to practice.” What Ricky wears to practice is basically what Gunwook wears to practice: sweats, shorts, t-shirts, hoodies, that kind of thing. 

“Oh, so he’s never seen you look nice. I get it.”

Ricky throws a shirt at him for that comment. Gunwook lifts it up from over his head and looks at it. “This one is actually nice. Wear this, but with a sweatshirt on top of it. You’ll look like a preppy kid.”

Ricky grabs the collared shirt from him with a look. “Does preppy seem like his type?”

Staring at him feels weird in that moment. Gunwook tries to imagine Ricky without all the insecurity and as the bestfriend he’s always known. To himself, but not willing to change for anyone. Maybe this is just a part of growing up. 

“Maybe, he kind of dresses that way himself,” Gunwooks says, grabbing the small toy basketball Ricky keeps on his bed. He shoots it up in the air and watches it fall back down into his hold. 

—

Maybe Gunwook was expecting something else, but the Ministry is like, a big deal.

They make it there just before it’s time for Gyuvin’s band to go on. In fact they’re walking down the aisle just when he sees the lanky drummer make his way on stage. Gunwook’s almost certain that Gyuvin spots them in the crowd and even smiles, but he was too far away to tell. 

Gunwook’s more preoccupied with observing the amount of people here. He gives it a good look on both sides just to make sure he’s not imagining the audience. If they’re such a big deal, why has he never heard about them?

Two other boys come out seconds after. The one with the guitar introduces himself as Kim Taerae and the other guy at the keyboard is Seok Matthew. They all look just like Gunwook would expect them to be—conservative, modest, put together. Type of guys that wear sweater vests and slacks. 

“You look like you could be up there with them,” Gunwook says leaning over to Ricky. Ricky laughs brashly at that. “Yeah, whatever. Get a good look at them because those are your options.”

“Really?”

“Yes, those are his friends and I’m sure anyone who’s friends with Gyuvin is equally as stuck up.”

Gunwook sighs to himself and tugs on his beanie, relaxing back into his seat. Who he’s assuming is the front man, Kim Taerae, is handsome. He doesn’t even really know if he has a type or anything. The people he’s liked in the past all branch out across different categories—not like he’s actually made a move on any of them. 

Seok Matthew catches his attention out of the corner of his eye. He has one of those ugly striped sweaters on that Ricky would call fashion terrorism. His blonde hair sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the sea of brunettes, kind of like Ricky.

But, there's something about him. The way he plays the piano like it’s the best thing in the world. His smile stretches across his face in a way that makes his eyes turn into crescents. He’s nothing like the people Gunwook’s ever liked before.

“This song isn’t that bad at least,” Ricky says, knocking him out of his trance. Gunwook nods in return, because it isn’t. Nothing like the heavy bass hip-hop they play during practice though. They play a couple more songs that Gunwook bobs his head through and that Ricky forces himself to clap along to before they officially go off stage. 

Gunwook nudges Ricky’s side. “C’mon.”

Ricky grabs ahold of his arm and stops him from getting up. “Where are we going?”

“Backstage. To talk to them.”

“And to say what?”

“That it was a good show maybe? Do I have to help you through everything?”

Ricky smacks his back but does follow him out of the auditorium. On the walk there he has to role-play with him as Gyuvin and practice fake conversations with him. 

“No. Don’t say that,” Gunwook groans, stopping before the door that leads to the stage. Ricky slouches.

“I’m not good at this.” And Ricky actually does look pretty troubled for the first time in forever. He’s never this way when he plays basketball or when he’s deciding to get a new piercing. It’s weird. 

Gunwook sighs. “Don’t make me say something corny.”

“Say it, maybe it’ll make me laugh.”

“Just be yourself.”

Ricky stares back at him like he’s just said something stupid. “That’s what I’ve been doing.”

“Well obviously it’s not working. Be someone else.” Gunwook earns a shove to the chest at that, laughing. The smile gets wiped off of Ricky’s face when the door suddenly opens.

Of course, it’s Gyuvin. 

Gunwook can already see Ricky tensing up out the corner of his eye, so he steps to move first.

“Hey man, it was lit,” Gunwook says as casually as possible, reaching out his hand to pat Gyuvin’s shoulder. Gyuvin gives him a short thanks as he sticks his drumsticks in his back pocket. His attention seems to be more on Ricky than it is Gunwook. Probably surprised by his attire. Gunwook only settled for a hoodie and jeans despite Ricky telling him to “try.”

He shoves his hands in his pockets. “You really came.”

Gunwook steps behind Gyuvin so he doesn’t see to mouth don’t be mean over his shoulder at Ricky. Ricky opens his mouth and closes it.

“Yeah, you’re good at the drums.” Gunwook lets out a mental sigh of relief at the response. He did good. 

“So you were watching me only?”

“No,” Ricky shoots back immediately. Gunwook bites his lip, hoping it doesn’t go any further. Luckily, their conversation is cut off. 

A voice from behind them calls out, “who are they? Frat boys?” 

Gunwook turns to look over his shoulder to fit a face with the words. It’s his bandmates. 

The one with the blonde hair, Matthew, squeezes Gyuvin’s shoulders and stands beside him. Taerae shrugs his guitar case up his shoulder. 

“This is my roommate Ricky, and his friend Gunwook.”

“Oh! Gyuvin talks about you all the time,” Matthew says suddenly, pointing at Ricky. Gyuvin turns around and clasps a hand over his mouth, causing them both to stumble over. Gunwook gives Ricky a knowing look; Ricky shakes his head. 

Taerae walks up the circle giving them both a wave. “They’re always like that. I’m Taerae.”

“Gunwook. The show was good by the way.”

“Thanks,” he smiles. After a few seconds of muffled words and noises, Gyuvin and Matthew return back to them. Gyuvin’s ears are bright red and Gunwook can piece together why. 

Matthew however, looks unaffected, and secondly, he’s staring at Gunwook, really obviously.

“So…not frat boys?” Gunwook spares a glance at his own outfit and wonders if that’s the impression he gives off. A frat? Really? He’d never rush, it’s like putting yourself through misery without a cause. Maybe it’s the beanie.

“Basketball team,” Gunwook replies. 

“Oh, maybe we should come to one of your games! When's the next one?” Matthew says, beaming. Gunwook stares back at him. He’s cute. 

Gyuvin turns to him. “Why would we do that?”

Matthew gives him a weird look. “...They came to support us? Shouldn’t we support them?”

“I guess.”

“He’s rude, don't mind him.”

“Yeah I’d like to see a game, it sounds fun,” Taerae pipes in.

Well, if fun is considered sitting like packed sardines in a court that you can’t even hear your own thoughts in then, sure. He doesn’t say that though. Gunwook just likes it because he’s in the game. Matthew and Taerae seem thrilled at the idea while Gyuvin is looking elsewhere—avoiding Ricky’s stare, Gunwook assumes. 

“We have a game next week, students get in free.”

“We’ll be there,” Matthew decides for the three of them, ignoring another look from Gyuvin. Gunwook looks at the smile on his face and sees the genuinity behind it. It makes him feel weird. 

“Cool.”

“See, I told you Gyuvin talks about you,” Gunwook says the second they get outside.

Ricky kicks a rock they pass by. “He’s probably only complaining.”

“Or complaining and realizing his undeniable infatuation with you.” 

Ricky lets out a small laugh and says, “Fuck off.”

Gunwook stuffs his hands in his pockets. “I’m just saying you have a chance. So pull it together.”

“You pull it together,” Ricky says, because he can’t let Gunwook be the one who’s right. “This is a competition, remember?”

Gunwook knows. But if he’s honest, he’s not really so focused on losing his virginity and he probably never was. It’s more about just helping Ricky. Maybe that’s just the kind of friend he is—the best kind of friend that anyone would be lucky to have. Ricky will thank him one day. Oh god, he sounds just like Hao.

Telling him all that would be a little too much though. He settles on saying, “the Matthew boy is cute.” It sounds foreign in his mouth, like a good drink with a bitter after taste. 

He can feel Ricky glance at him before looking forward again. “The short, loud one? He doesn’t seem like your style.” Funny, Gunwook didn’t really get that impression. He just seems outgoing. 

“I don’t have a style,” Gunwook responds. 

“Guess you’re right,” Ricky says back, skipping up a few steps when they reach the front of his dorm building. He turns around when Gunwook doesn’t follow. “Court tomorrow?”

“Nah, I’m sleeping in.”

Ricky waves a hand behind him. “Boring. I’ll see you.”

—

“Find a person to have sex with yet?” Hao says, sticking his head into Gunwook's room the next day.  

“Hao,” Gunwook groans out. He turns in his chair towards the door to see Hanbin beside him. 

He waves enthusiastically. “Hey Gunwook!” Gunwook waves back because he doesn’t get to see him that much anyway. Only on the days where Gunwook has nothing important to do like this one. Most of the time he’s out.

Hao clears his throat and places a hand over his chest. “Sorry I mean, have you found someone to do intercourse with yet?” He immediately breaks out into a laughing fit that earns him a hit on the shoulder from Hanbin. Of course, he’s probably shared it with him. Gunwook didn’t expect anything less. 

“I think it’s kind of sweet. I wish my friends and I made a pact like this in our first year,” Hanbin says softly. 

Hao jerks his head towards him. “Oh yeah? When was your first time?”

“With you,” Hanbin responds casually. Apparently, that’s news to Hao with the way his eyes go completely wide. “What? You never told me?”

“I didn’t want it to be a big deal.”

Gunwook suddenly feels like this is a conversation he should not be witnessing. He rubs the back of his neck and considers turning back around to his computer—hoping they just get the hint and eventually leave. 

“See Gunwook, this is what I’m talking about,” Hao says, getting his attention again after some bickering with Hanbin. 

Gunwook bites his lip and watches them disappear from his dorm frame. He can still hear them arguing all the way down the hall. 

“We’re supposed to be setting a good example for him!”

“Would you have let me hit if you knew I was a virgin?”

“I dunno, probably not.”

“Exactly!”

Gunwook gets up to close and lock his bedroom door after he’s sure they’re in Hao’s room. He knows when Hanbin’s over, that means he needs to put on his headphones and never take them off. Usually if he’s done with his homework he’ll just sit around watching TV or go hoop with Ricky, but none of that sounds really appealing right now. 

He pulls out his phone when he gets this idea. 

Gunwook’s not really a social media guy. He has a small Instagram account that he posts on every blue moon. Usually consisting of a picture Ricky insisted on taking of him. He’s real anal about angles and stuff. 

So, he’s not really sure what he’s doing when he’s typing Seok Matthew into the search bar. It’s a gamble. Most people are easy to find if they have their name on their profile somewhere. Some completely obscure their identity. 

Fortunately, Matthew does pop up. Gunwook can tell by the profile picture of him smiling. The first thing he notices is that his account is public, unlike Gunwook’s. He must have nothing to really hide considering the amount of followers he has and the thousands of pictures.

Gunwook gets up from his chair and flops over on his bed back first. Holding his phone above his face. 

Matthew’s quite the active guy. A lot of his posts are of him in different places in the world; apparently he studied abroad in Rome one year. There’s one of him in the snowy mountains of Canada because that’s what he has the location tagged as. Everyone in his pictures are unfamiliar faces. Maybe people he’s passed before on campus but never paid attention to. 

Most of his photos are ones of food that he’s eaten. He must go out to restaurants a lot. Gunwook imagines him doing that in person—if he’s the kind of guy that tells everyone not to touch their food because he needs to get a picture. Ricky tries to be like that but half of the time he forgets. 

Gunwook laughs at one post of a half eaten pancake with the caption I got hungry.

Halfway through scrolling through Matthew’s account, Gunwook starts to feel weird. It feels like he’s intruding—no, reading someone’s diary, even though it’s for the public to see. Watching Matthew’s life unfold makes Gunwook feel like he’s missing out on his. 

He clicks off his phone and turns over his side.

—

“I fucked up.”

Gunwook bounces the ball between his legs and fakes Ricky out good enough to catch him off guard. He shoots a good three pointer before he can catch up. It circles around the rim before eventually falling in; Gunwook makes a fist of victory. 

Ricky jogs to go get the ball before it rolls off too far away. “What kind of fucking up?” Gunwook asks.

“Like,” Ricky starts but drags off. He hits his hand against the ball hard enough for it to make a noise. “Telling Gyuvin I’d join the Baptist Ministry fucked up.” 

Ricky throws the ball back at him. Gunwook catches it against his chest and gives him a look. “That is fucked up.”

“I know.” Ricky runs a hand through his hair, fringe messy with sweat. 

“At least you’re talking to him like a regular person right?”

Ricky shrugs. “Yeah, he did something creepy one night though.”

“Like what?”

“He randomly thanked me for coming to the concert while we were both in bed and in the dark.”

Gunwook can’t help but laugh at the scene in his head. “Sounds like something out of a movie.”

“You think so?”

He bounces the ball a few times, once behind himself. “I don't know, did he sound sincere?”

“Kind of…it was weird.”

“Say anything back?” 

“No.” 

Gunwook bounces the ball to him and cocks his head. “No?”

Ricky nods before shooting at the goal. He makes it in as usual. He never misses. “I pretended like I was asleep.”

“You’re so lame.” Gyuvin definitely likes Ricky. Anyone with eyes can see it. Gunwook could tell him—he’s sure he probably already has, but Ricky doesn’t believe him. He’ll just let him figure it out the hard way. 

“So is this where you ask me to join with you?”

“Of course, my wonderful best friend who loves me.”

“So you’re gonna be a fake Christian to get in a boy's pants? This is low, even for you.”

Ricky scoffs and jumps away when Gunwook tries to steal the ball from him. He dribbles away from him and yells across the court, “I’m sure there’s people who have done worse!”

—

On game day, they lose. Bad. It’s because the team they play against is from a good school, there was really no chance. It’s not like Gunwook or Ricky to give up though. Not anywhere in their DNA. Ricky gets so frustrated he starts playing by himself; ignoring open passes he can make, playing defense alone, hogging the ball. Coach looked like he was about to pull his hair out the entire time on the sidelines. Mostly because he knew he had no other choice but to leave Ricky in. You don’t take out your captain ever, only when it’s serious.

They score one goal thanks to Ricky—two pointer, but it’s nothing against the other team’s 30 points. It’s almost laughable, and going through the good game fist bump line is not fun when you’re the loser. 

“Gunwook!” Gunwook looks over his shoulder at the call of his name, stopping when he sees Gyuvin and Matthew walking towards him. 

“Hey, you guys came,” Gunwook says when they get there, remembering the invite he gave to them a few days ago. It completely slipped his mind if he’s honest.

“Is Ricky alright?”

Gunwook almost wants to laugh at the question and even more at the worry on Gyuvin’s face. Both of them are so obvious.  

Ricky is probably standing under boiling hot water in the locker room right now, brooding or whatever he does. He wouldn’t even talk to Gunwook after the game ended. Nothing he’s not used to. He’s always been a sore loser, he’ll get over it. 

Gunwook smiles slightly. “You should go check in on him. He’s the only one in the locker room, it’s alright,” he proposes, pointing towards the double doors. 

Gyuvin looks towards them hesitantly. “Isn’t that kind of weird?”

“No! He enjoys your company.”

Gyuvin looks like he absolutely does not believe that. “He does?”

“Yep,” Gunwook reassures him. Ricky’s going to either kill or thank him for this later. Whatever gets Gunwook home faster. 

“Just go,” Matthew says suddenly, pushing Gyuvin forward. He stumbles away with one last glare, but does go into the locker room. Mission succeeded. 

“Hey, you’re really good at basketball.”

Gunwook turns his attention towards Matthew, looking down slightly. He’s wearing a jean jacket and jeans. Jean on jean. The major difference today is that he has glasses on. They make him look even more Christian, if that’s even possible. 

Gunwook scratches behind his ear before laughing. “Today wasn’t the best example, but thanks.”

“Sometimes we have to lose.”

He nods. “That’s true.”

It should be uncomfortable, to be in front of him like this after spending an hour scrolling through his profile. He could probably tell the nearest person all about Matthew and who he is when Matthew definitely couldn’t do the same for him. 

Maybe this was all a bad idea. Maybe he should choose someone else. A girl perhaps. Yeah, good idea. Gunwook’s just about ready to tell him goodbye before Matthew says something else. 

“Hey where are you going? I don’t really feel like waiting for Gyuvin.” He’s right. If Gyuvin hadn’t ran back out in the span of five seconds of going in, then he probably wasn’t coming out any time soon. 

“Just walking to my apartment.” 

“Walking? Take the bus. Where’s your place?”

“The apartments by the cafe,” Gunwook says, starting to walk when Matthew points towards the door. 

“Oh me too! I live on the fourth floor with Taerae.” Gunwook finds it weird that he’s never seen him around before. It’s only his second semester but still—it feels like Matthew just randomly popped up out of nowhere. Maybe that’s how he feels about Gunwook too.

“Walking is good for you, you know.”

Matthew laughs. “I know, I still choose to take the bus. I’ll swipe my card for you, if you need it,” Matthew offers. Gunwook looks down at him, observing the way he digs in his pocket for something. Suddenly feeling like that’s too much trouble, Gunwook waves a hand. “It’s okay. I can pay.”

Gunwook just assumes that maybe Matthew didn’t want to ride the bus alone. He gets it. Sometimes there’s creeps on it. Perhaps he just doesn’t want to be alone. He can temporarily replace Gyuvin, if that’s his role anyway. 

“No afterparty?” Matthew says, taking a seat. Gunwook settles on standing and holding onto the pole in front of him. 

He leans with the bus when it jerks into motion. “There’s no afterparty when you lose.” Matthew smiles like he wants to laugh but doesn’t. Gunwook wonders if he appears as hot headed as Ricky does. 

“Plus, on a school night?” Gunwook adds on with a shake his head. 

“Wow, you sure are strict. Didn’t anyone tell you that kind of thing doesn’t matter in college?” Matthew laughs. 

Weird. Gunwook feels like the stuck up one suddenly when it’s supposed to be the other way around. Matthew feels like any other regular guy you’d meet. He hums before looking out the window.

“I hear you and Ricky are joining the ministry,” Matthew says, causing Gunwook to look back down at him. Shit. He completely forgot all about that. He’s not looking forward to it.

He can’t let it show though. He nods and says, “We are.”

Matthew leans forward in his seat and grabs onto the same pole Gunwook is holding onto. “You don’t really seem like a Christian.”

Gunwook wants to laugh at that. He wonders what Matthew thinks about Ricky if that’s what he thinks about him. Isn’t it the holy thing to not judge one another?

“I’ve been baptized,” he deadpans.

“Under the water and everything?”

“Almost even drowned.” Matthew sits back in his seat and full-on laughs, with a wide grin that spreads across his face. 

“Do I have the stamp of approval now?”

Matthew shrugs. “Sure.”

The rest of the bus ride is full of small talk that for once doesn’t feel that awkward. Matthew genuinely seems interested in him and Gunwook’s not used to that. He learns that Matthew is a Biology major and is in his third year. 

When they get in the lobby Gunwook wants to offer to walk him to his apartment. Maybe if he wasn’t so hesitant he would, be the kind of guy that shows all of his best qualities immediately. But Matthew doesn’t really give him time to think anyway before he’s walking up the stairs. 

He waves at Gunwook. “I'll see you around 05.”

Gunwook waves him goodbye and tries not to look so confused.

It’s not until he’s in his bed that night staring at the ceiling that he realizes 05 is his jersey number. 

—

Ironically, Gunwook finds himself at a frat party weeks later. It happens, athletes run in the same circle, most of them rush and everyone else is invited by association. It’s still something Gunwook would never do. He’s not sure if he believes in the whole ’brotherhood with random strangers’ thing. Or maybe he’s just scarred from all of the news articles he’s read about shit that goes down.

He’s just here to be Ricky’s designated walker anyway. That’s right, designated walker. They could’ve driven if they wanted to—Ricky has an expensive sports car that he never uses because walking everywhere is easier. Rich kid things he guesses. 

“I’m gonna go find some weed,” Ricky says the second they get through the front door.

Inside the house is a complete zoo of a party. He’s sure he hears glass break and a chorus of yells that follow. Gunwook sighs out and follows Ricky through the house and sweaty bodies that fill it. He’s not really a smoker, only sometimes. He’d rather not fuck up his lungs when he has to depend so heavily on them working if he ever wants to be professional. 

They walk down a hallway and turn a few corners to get outside. Ricky immediately spots a group of people in a circle and plops down next to them with no hesitation. That’s one thing he’s not introverted about. 

Gunwook settles on leaning against the railing nearby, counting every star in the sky he can see. He should’ve worn his glasses—it’s all blurry. 

“05,” a voice drags out. Gunwook turns his head slowly to the side and finds-

Matthew. Seok Matthew.

Matthew points a finger at him and smiles. He’s sitting on top of the railing in the most dangerous way possible and it makes anxiety prick at his nerves. So Gunwook can’t stop himself from leaping forward when he ultimately loses his balance and wobbles backwards slightly. 

“Woah,” Matthew says, giggling when Gunwook grabs both of his arms. “I might have fallen to my death if you weren’t here,” he beams. Gunwook furrows his eyebrows out of frustration and pulls Matthew down from the railing with no hesitation. 

“Oh, you’re strong.”

“That’s dangerous, what’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing’s wrong with me,” he reponds. Gunwook studies his face and quickly puts two and two together. His hooded red eyes tell the story of the last few hours so he doesn’t have to. He’s faded. Bad.

Gunwook decides to let go of him since he is safely on his feet now and takes the spot beside him—Matthew leans his back against the railing.

“This doesn’t really seem like your scene,” Gunwook says honestly, after a brief few moments of wondering what to say. Matthew doesn’t turn to look at him. Instead, he smiles goofily at the ground like Gunwook said something funny.

“Oh? And what’s my scene?”

“A church…the library…the band hall.” Up until now, Matthew seemed pretty put together. Like a guy who had his shit figured out. He’s explored the world, gotten good enough grades to live in another country for a semester. Not the kind of guy getting high out of his mind in random background. Put together kids can smoke too. Gunwook shouldn’t be so judgmental. 

Matthew nods. “Those are all good places, I like those places too.”

“Surely you aren’t here without Gyuvin or Taerae,” Gunwook says, ignoring the uneasy feeling that creeps over him. It’s not like he really knows Matthew that well or anything. He does know that this is probably out of character for him based on who he’s friends with.

“They would freak out if they knew I was here. And what I was doing.”

“You don’t tell them?”

“Can’t,” Matthew corrects. “Can’t tell them.”

Gunwook stares at the side of his face and wonders what kind of double life he lives. He wants to ask Matthew why he feels like he can’t do all the things regular college kids do around his friends. 

Matthew perks up like he remembers he needs to keep talking. “It’s ‘cause Gyuvin’s kinda snooty, but he would still try to be okay with it because he’s that nice. Taerae…he would probably never talk to me again.”

“That’s harsh. Just for coming to parties and getting high?”

Matthew shrugs. “It’s a sin. So you can’t tell, m’kay?” he says, bringing his index finger up to his mouth in a shushing gesture. Gunwook wants to laugh at how out of it he looks. 

“Dare I say this isn’t your scene either,” Matthew tacks on. He’s right it’s not. It was Ricky’s idea to come because he was so stressed out over losing the last game. Gunwook, as the good friend he is, can’t let him be stoned in an unknown place.

“It’s not, I’d rather be at home.”

Matthew turns to him suddenly and rests his hand on his back. “Figures. You seem like a good boy.” 

The way his body freezes at the comment feels unintentional. He realizes how close Matthew is to him and how his hand feels on his back. Suddenly the layers of clothes he has on feels like too much, even here outside in the constantly dropping temperature. Gunwook looks away, knowing his face is pink. 

Matthew brings up something to his mouth that catches Gunwook’s attention again. It’s just one of those vapes that any nicotine addict has. Even Gunwook has one in the first drawer of his nightstand, barely uses it. 

“What flavor is that?”

Matthew blows a cloud of smoke out into the air. Gunwook wonders why he’s doing this on top of smoking weed, but he’s sure people have done worse. “Mint. Want a hit?’

Gunwook shakes his head. “I prefer the fruit flavors.” Peach is his favorite.

Matthew smiles at him like he’s amused. “Oh, well I’m sorry this isn’t fruity enough for you.”

“You’re a jokes guy huh.”

“I was just saying.”

After a few hours Gunwook is ready to go home and fall into his bed. Ricky apparently thinks “he’ll be okay” and that Gunwook can go ahead and go. He wants to just grab him by the back of his jacket and drag him out of the party but it’s no use. Gunwook realizes that one day Ricky will have to take care of himself just like he’ll have to do as well. 

He spares him one last glance before turning to leave.

But there’s just one thing.

“Gunwook, dance with me.” Matthew says when he spots him, reaching out for him before he can get away, not that Gunwook really tries to.

The smaller boy forcefully yanks him down when his hands curl around his shoulders—putting them—well Gunwook—in an uncomfortable crouched over position. He already has terrible posture and this isn’t helping. Matthew rests his chin over one of shoulders and drapes himself over Gunwook. 

He hums, “…why aren’t you dancing?” Gunwook laughs quietly and detaches himself from Matthew so he can bend back up. 

“No one can dance like this.”

“We can dance like this,” Matthew says before grabbing his hands and jumping around. Gunwook has enough stability in his position that he doesn’t get moved much. Instead he watches Matthew dance similarly to the drunk people around him. 

Gunwook can’t help the smile that makes its way onto his face before he laughs. For a moment he wonders if he could have fun with him if he was high too. If he had a red cup with a bunch of liquor in it or maybe an edible in his system. Is that the only way he can have fun too? Get loose?

Gunwook pulls on Matthew’s hand to get his attention. Matthew blinks slowly, looking like he’s a second away from falling over. He must have drank too. 

In that moment, Gunwook decides he can be the designated walker for someone at least. It may not be Ricky this time, and it might be a guy he barely knows, but that’s okay. Gunwook grabs Matthew by his shoulders and guides him out of the house. 

Halfway through their walk across campus, Matthew stops his babbling and almost face plants onto the ground. Luckily for him, Gunwook catches him before that happens. 

“Up you go,” Gunwook says to himself based on the way Matthew doesn’t respond and he hoists Matthew up in his arms bridal style. He’s not very heavy so it’s easy work and Gunwook doesn’t really mind. He can’t help but smile slightly at Matthew’s knocked out state. 

Gunwook realizes the second that he gets to their apartment building that one, he doesn’t know what room Matthew stays in. Two, he cannot let Taerae see Matthew like this anyway. Three, that means he has to keep Matthew in his apartment. 

He sighs out and takes the elevator to his floor. It has to be only a little past one in the morning—Hao shouldn’t be up. 

Gunwook fumbles with his keys pathetically while trying to keep Matthew held up. He considered sitting him on the ground for a moment but that’d be pretty gross. It’s okay anyway, he gets the door open eventually. 

Unfortunately, Hao is awake. Sitting in the living room watching that same drama he’s obsessed with. Gunwook curses under his breath because he already knows what’s coming. 

“What-”

“Don’t,” Gunwook says, kicking off his shoes. 

“So don’t question the unconscious boy in your arms, okay, got it. That’s easy.”

“He’s my friend.” 

“Like, friend,” Hao exaggerates with air quotes. In other words he’s asking Is this the guy you chose? 

Gunwook ignores him and carries Matthew to his room. He sits him down as gently as possible on his bed, even though he’s sure if he threw him he still wouldn’t wake up. Turning him on his side for extra measures seems like a good idea so he does that as well—placing his trash can by his bedside. 

He spares Matthew one last glance before closing the door to his room. 

“Why are you up this late?” Gunwook asks while sitting next to Hao on the couch. 

“Class got cancelled tomorrow. I have nothing better to do.” He shifts around on the cushion so he can turn to Gunwook. 

“So…”

“So.”

Hao smacks his arm. “That’s the guy isn’t it.”

Gunwook rubs his arm. “Ow. Maybe.”

“He was cute. Small. I could see it. Is he older than you?” Hao says, nodding in approval. Gunwook would never admit it, but it feels kind of good that he approves.

“By like two years.”

“Not too big, not too little. So when’s it gonna happen? I can let you have the apartment that day.”

“Hao…”

“What? I’m just being considerate.” Gunwook doesn’t argue at that because it’s true. He’s lucky to have someone that cares about him as much as Hao does.

“That was so like a movie by the way. Carrying him in like that,” Hao laughs and scoots back to the other side of the couch. “You know he’s gonna wake up and treat you like a prince in the morning.”

“No he won’t. You don’t even know him.”

“Trust me. It’ll be something like, oh Gunwook, I owe you one!” Hao mimics a person—that’s definitely not Matthew—in a high pitched voice. Gunwook can’t help but burst out laughing at that. 

“You’ve been watching too many dramas. I’m leaving,” Gunwook says when he stands to his feet. 

“Sleep in my bed, I’ll take the couch.”

“Thanks Hao.”

—

It actually does go something like that, funnily enough.

Gunwook is currently standing in his room watching Matthew rip off his bed sheets. His hair is a mess and it’s easy to tell he woke up only five minutes ago.

“You know you don’t have to…” Gunwook says, almost feeling bad. Matthew obviously feels worse than him. 

“No, your sheets smell like weed now. What kind of person would I be?” It wasn’t that bad. Sure Matthew’s hoodie had the scent of marijuana lingering and maybe that could’ve transferred to Gunwook’s bed. It’s not a huge deal.

“I could just wash them,” Gunwook suggests.

“I should wash them.”

“Yeah he should wash them,” Hao cuts in when he passes by the room. Gunwook shoots him a glare.

He throws his hands up. “Sorry. Kidding,” he laughs before walking away. 

Matthew balls the sheets up and holds them to his chest. Gunwook follows him out into the living room and to the door. 

“Hey Gunwook,” Matthew says suddenly, stopping before turning around. His face doesn’t look nearly as joyful as it did last night—now replaced with a tired expression. At least he didn’t throw up. Gunwook hates throwing up. 

“Thanks, for last night. I think if you hadn’t helped me I would’ve woken up in the middle of that frat house's yard.”

“It’s not a problem,” Gunwook says, trying to brush it off as nothing. He can’t help but wonder how many times Matthew has found himself in a similar situation. How does he go on hiding all these secrets? Who’s looking out for him?

Matthew makes a face. “It is and I owe you one, okay? We’re in apartment 405 if you ever need anything.”

“Sure.”

“And I’ll wash these tonight. Taerae has class all day so he won’t notice.”

Matthew bids him a goodbye and leaves after another ramble of comments insisting that he pays him back. Gunwook almost wants to laugh to himself. 

“I was right,” Hao says from behind him the second after Matthew leaves. “And I’m always right.”

“Yeah…” Gunwook nods.

“You could win the bet if you act fast.”

That comment suddenly reminds Gunwook of Ricky. Shit, Ricky. He hopes he got home okay. He should call him later. 

“I don’t know if I wanna rush things, what if that gives off the wrong impression?”

Hao walks over to the kitchen to dig through the fridge. He shrugs his shoulders. “You’ll have to decide if you want something serious or if you want a fling.”

They go back and forth for a little while after that comment. With Hao cooing over him because Gunwook really is “clueless.”

All he knows is that he has to decide soon. 

“Life is short. Remember that,” Hao sings.

—

“I just walked back to my dorm after, chill,” Ricky says over the line. Gunwook turns on his side and places his phone on speaker and throws it to the side.  

“Yeah okay, next time you want my help I’ll say no.” 

Ricky laughs. “Okay, but get this. It’s like three when I get back right.”

“Yeah,” Gunwook says back. 

“Gyuvin is up waiting for me.”

“Not surprised. What’d he even say to you that day after the game?” Gunwook guesses he could’ve waited for Ricky that day like he usually does. When he gets like that he’d rather just leave him alone—Gyuvin was the better choice for comfort.

“He just said sorry that we lost and gave me one of those overpriced candy bars he bought from the food stand.”

Gunwook can’t help but say, “aw.” Those candy bars really are overpriced. 

“I know.”

“You guys walk back to your dorm room together like little kids in love?”

“Shut up. We’re not in love. But I think we’re friends now or something. Fake Christainity worked.”

Gunwook wants to tell him that it probably has nothing to do with him joining the ministry, but he seems content with the idea of it. “I’m shocked.”

“But Gunwook, he was up waiting for me. With the light on and everything.” 

“Did high you do anything?”

“No, the high wore off by the time I was back there anyway. Phony ass stoners. It was just funny because he pretended like he was just getting ready for bed when I walked in.”

“Wow you sound so giddy,” Gunwook notes.

“Whatever, how’s it going with you and shortie?” 

“Matthew,” he corrects.

“Right, Matthew. So?”

Well, nothing is going on. He just found out Matthew’s deepest darkest secrets which really aren’t that dark in the first place. He definitely won’t tell Ricky that Matthew's not really as stuck up as they thought he was. He’ll say he’s cheating or something. 

“He slept over last-”

Ricky cuts him off with, “Slept over? Oh c’mon man.”

“What?”

“You win. I get it. What do you want? $100?”

Gunwook turns on his back and laughs out loud. “What kind of person do you think I am? I met him like a month ago.” If anything Ricky had it easier. He’s known Gyuvin for eight months. 

“A lot can happen in a month. Strangers make it easier to not get so attached.”

“I did not have sex with him if that’s what you’re implying. He just needed somewhere to crash for the night.” That much was true. 

“But you want to.”

“I don’t know if I want to,” Gunwook mimics back. 

“You want to. I can tell you do,” Ricky responds like it’s the one thing he’s sure of. 

Gunwook on the other hand, is not sure. He knows Matthew is cute. He’s handsome, all that and more, and maybe he featured in a dream one night that he’s never telling anybody about, but what does that all really mean to him?

Gunwook blinks up at his ceiling. “You can’t even see me.”

“I can hear it in your voice.”

“I’m hanging up now.”

“Just know, I’m going to win.”

—

Gunwook knocks on the door firmly enough to not have to do it again and steps back. 

Matthew opens the door more quickly than he expected, revealing himself in a more cleaned up outfit and state. His blonde hair is a little wet and the way he shakes it resembles a wet dog. 

“Gunwook what a surprise,” he jokes, moving to the side to let him in. Matthew and Taerae’s apartment is much different from his and Hao’s. The decorations around makes it feel more welcoming. There’s a guitar and a keyboard in the corner, strings of lights hung on the walls, posters everywhere you look. It’s nothing like the bland decor in their apartment. Hao says it’ll be easier when they have to move out. 

“Don’t mind the plants Taerae’s a graden freak.”

“So I see,” Gunwook says observing the amount of potted plants everywhere as he follows Matthew into his room. 

Matthew’s room is kind of what he expected it to be. Neat and organized. There’s a few band posters up on his walls along with pictures of animals. He must like those a lot. What’s really interesting, is the huge cross above his bed frame. It looks like it’s made out of metal—like if he held it in his hands it’d weigh 60 pounds. 

Putting this Matthew with the one he saw last night feels almost insane. 

“Here you go,” Matthew says, placing the neatly folded sheets into Gunwook’s hands. Even Hao can’t fold this well. 

“Thanks Matt.”

Matthew looks at him curiously. “Matt?”

Was that weird? Gunwook mentally hits himself over the head with a bat. “Do people call you that?”

“No,” Matthew says back immediately in a way that makes Gunwook think he might be messing with him. Gunwook just got it from his username anyway. MattSeok3.3. He’s pretty sure he meant for those numbers to act like kissy faces. 

“Oh.”

“You can though. I kind of like it.” That makes Gunwook ease the tension in his shoulders a little. Hopefully Matthew didn’t notice. 

“Oh, cool.”

“Yeah, cool.”

This is trailing into awkward territory quickly. But maybe that’s just from his side. Matthew has looked at his mouth at least five times since he’s gotten here. Even more than the three times he did it at the party. Gunwook should say something, anything. 

Matthew beats him to it. “Did you need something else?” 

It sounds like an invitation rather than a way to get him out of his apartment. If remembers correctly, Taerae has class all day. 

If he’s honest, yes. Yes, he does need something else. He wants to ask Matthew if he’d be willing to just spend one night with him so he can finally let go of his virgin shame. That he doesn’t have to be serious either, just a no-strings attached thing. Something he can get out of the way. He shouldn’t say it like that, it sounds weird. Either way, it’s not that easy. The words don’t come out and wouldn’t even if he forced them to. 

“Your number. For the favor, if I need it.”

Matthew looks at him like he wants to say something else but doesn’t. “Sure.”

Gunwook leaves Matthew’s apartment with his number at least, but also with the fact that he does really know nothing.

—

This must be what being nineteen is all about, he supposes.

Gunwook flips the faucet on and sticks his hands under cold water. His reflection feels funny. For the first time in weeks, he’s actually wearing his glasses instead of contacts or just going without them. 

Ricky told him to look nice for their first meeting with the ministry. Gunwook thought it was an overreaction—suppossing that religion wouldn’t stop people from dressing like regular college kids. He was wrong. Oh so wrong. 

On Wednesday’s there’s bible study-or something similar at the old church nearby campus. When they walked in, Gunwook was thankful he had thrown on a collared shirt and a grey zip-up sweater over it. Bible study is serious here, apparently. 

“Man, this is so proper,” Ricky said. He ended up settling on the same preppy boy look that Gunwook came up with for the concert. He’d never admit it, but Gunwook was a genius for that. Gyuvin obviously likes it too.

He smiled slightly at the attempt he made to cover up his tattoo with makeup. It’s a bad one; you still see the blackletter text peek out from behind the thin layer of concealer. He resisted the urge to reach out and smear it all with his thumb, just to you know, fuck with him. “You’re the one that dragged us into it,” Gunwook said

“Yeah, yeah. Maybe you’ll learn something. Channel some spirituality into that shit basketball playing of yours.”

“You need it more than me.”

Gunwook tugs on his collar and tries to fix his hair a little. He doesn’t even know why—well he knows why. It’s because of Matthew. The chance of running into him and Matthew seeing him. Then again does that even really matter? Matthew obviously could care less about if he looks like a clean cut Christian boy. 

“Here to confess your sins?” Gunwook is thankfully able to keep himself from jumping at the sound of the voice. Through the mirror he can see Matthew standing at the door. Of course. Has he been there this entire time? 

Gunwook straightens his posture and turns around to face him. “Pretty sure that’s a Catholic thing.” The sharp edge of the counter is digging into the back of his thighs and the lights above them eerily flicker. It’s an old church, the vintage kind, smells like old people. He’s sure that it’s more comforting to people who grew up in places like this and less creepy like it is to him.

Matthew takes a few steps forward, eyes glued to Gunwook’s figure. The way he looks at him feels like he’s tearing him apart piece by piece. And Matthew does not try to hide it. Gunwook can see the slight glint in his eyes when they drag back up to his face. He brushes past him to wash his own hands at the sink. 

Matthew hums. “...Give your life to Christ?” Gunwook’s sure he’s heard his mother say something like that before. 

“Something like that,” he mumbles, taking his own chance to notice Matthew’s outfit in a less forward way. It’s similar to his and Ricky’s. Button up under a sweater, except he has a lanyard around his neck.

“What’s the name tag for?”

Matthew shakes off his hands. “I’m a group leader.”

“And what do they do?” Gunwook asks, watching him rip a paper towel off the single roll. Matthew smiles again, balling it up after he’s done drying his hands and shooting it into the trash can. He misses. 

“No basketball for me huh,” he jokes. 

He turns back to Gunwook and stretches out his arms. “Lead bible study, things like that.”

Gunwook tries to imagine it. Matthew holding a book in his hand and talking about faith and good will or whatever they discuss.

“Sounds fun,” Gunwook says, even though it doesn’t sound genuine. Matthew laughs. 

“Can I say something?”

Gunwook nods. “Sure.”

“You and your friend, Ricky, you don’t seem like you’re that interested in the ministry.”

They’ve already had a similar conversation before. Not only does Gunwook not seem like he’s a Christian, he doesn’t seem like he’s interested in general. The truth feels practical here, so he doesn’t lie.

“He’s not. He’s interested in Gyuvin.”

“Could’ve guessed.” Figures. Anyone can tell what’s between those two.

“And what are you interested in?” It’s not a question he’s prepared to answer. Not with the way his heart suddenly feels like it’s about to burst in his chest. And maybe it would be better if Matthew had the decency to at least look innocent. All Gunwook can focus on is the sound of water dripping from the faucet and, the way Matthew is noticeably getting closer to him. 

He could just tell him. Say that he thinks he’s cute or hot or something. Maybe that would be enough. Flirting though, feels like a task that he has to complete, he wishes things were easier. 

“Hard question to answer?” Matthew says, breaking him out of his thoughts. 

It shouldn’t be. “No it’s-”

“Me. Say it’s me.”

It’s good that Gunwook read everything between them correctly at least. The confirmation makes his next words easier. Matthew is sending him a life jacket—he’s gonna grab onto it. 

“It is you.”

Something flickers in Matthew’s eyes at the confession. The cheshire cat smile that he’s grown used to spreads wide across his face.

“Taerae is going out of town this weekend. If you wanted to hang out. You know,” he suggests, bouncing on the balls of feet.

The conversation feels inappropriate for the setting, but Gunwook says, “I’m free on Friday.”

Matthew looks pleased. “Friday it is then. Text me!”

—

Gunwook’s got a date to fuck Matthew. 

That’s not what he’s calling it of course, that’s what Hao is calling it. 

“Stop saying that,” Gunwook groans, turning over on his side.

Hao spins around in his desk chair. “Are you doing it here?”

“No, at his place.”

“Oh good, if it sucks you won’t be reminded every time you lay in bed.”

That’s supposed to make him feel better, but it doesn’t. If he sucks then Matthew will be reminded every time he gets in his bed. Gunwook turns onto his stomach and stuffs his face into his pillow.

It can’t be that bad. He shouldn’t worry. 

—

The first kiss Gunwook has with Matthew is featherlight. It happens in the dark of his living room, after an hour of pretending they were actually paying attention to the movie Matthew picked out. 

You could call it cliche. The way they inched closer to each other until their thighs were touching. Gunwook did one of the ‘stretch until his arm is around Matthew’s shoulders’ numbers. It worked. 

Matthew shifts onto another level after the first one. It’s as if Gunwook had given him the greenlight to go ahead and go crazy. That he wants this as much as Matthew does. And when he’s kissing him for the fourth time—he realizes that he does. 

Kissing Matthew is nice. He tastes like mint gum. He smells like vanilla, enough that makes Gunwook wonder what exactly he doused himself in before he got here. He’s eager, excited, and he kisses Gunwook in a way he’s never been kissed before. In a way that makes him feel like he has to savor it.

There’s no time for that really. Not when Matthew climbs him like a tree, into his lap and straddled over his thighs. He drags Gunwook back to him by his neck to reattach their lips. When his hands grab his shoulders to pull on him he takes the hint—lifting up Matthew in his arms in a one go. 

“I’ve wanted to do this,” Matthew says into his neck. 

“This? Me picking you up? I’ve done it before.”

Matthew lifts his head to look at him. “You have? When?”

Gunwook turns the doorknob to Matthew’s room and pushes the door open. He steers them towards Matthew’s bed, huffing out a laugh when Matthew pulls him to fall down over him.  

Matthew smiles again. Gunwook pushes himself up on his elbows and observes his face. Unable to stop himself from reaching to move the hair out of Matthew’s eyes. “That night after the party. You passed out. I had to carry you all the way back to the apartment.” Matthew looks shocked at that. 

“You didn’t have to,” he says sheepishly. 

“I wanted to,” Gunwook corrects. 

Matthew suddenly yanks him back down into his embrace. Tucking his chin over his shoulder. Gunwook can only lay there and be his personal stuffed animal. 

“Thank you,” Matthew says after a beat of silence. 

Gunwook can guess what the thanks is for, but something about it feels different. Like there’s a double meaning behind it. 

“You’re nervous,” Matthew points out, running his hands down Gunwook’s back. “I can feel your heartbeat against mine.” The observation makes him more embarrassed than anything. He’s just happy Matthew can’t see his face right now. 

Gunwook wonders if every time will feel like this. When the time he stops being nervous will arrive—if it’s something that comes with time or if he’ll have to depend on fake-bravado forever.

“I’m a virgin,” Gunwook admits suddenly, just because it feels right. And it feels good to finally say out loud.

“Really?”

“You’re surprised?” Gunwook says before he can take it back. Maybe he shouldn’t reveal that he’s surprised that Matthew is surprised. 

“Actually, maybe that makes sense, I don’t know.” Maybe it’s because he’s a basketball player. Maybe it’s the confidence that he carries and hides his insecurities with. His extroverted personality or ability to speak clearly and openly. Gunwook doesn’t ask. 

Instead he asks, “does that change anything?”

“Well it changes a lot of things.” Gunwook half expects Matthew to kick him out of his apartment after he says that. He thinks back to the way Hao looked at Hanbin when he told him took his virginity—it’s a big deal. He can’t pretend like it’s not.

Matthew doesn’t kick him out however. “How do you want it? I can top if you want.” Gunwook pulls back from him slightly. 

“Do you usually top?”

He shrugs. “Just whatever I feel like, I guess.” 

“What do you feel like right now?”

“I feel like,” Matthew begins, suddenly pushing Gunwook onto his back and crawling over him. “Making your first time special.”

Something stirs deep in Gunwook’s gut. He swallows once, then again. “Okay.” Matthew smiles at his response.

“Chastity can be beautiful sometimes you know,” Matthew says, flattening out his palms on Gunwook’s stomach, pushing up the material of his t-shirt to expose his skin. 

“I made a vow, once.”

“Why’d you break it?” Gunwook stupidly asks.

“Couldn’t help myself I guess.”

He watches Matthew pull off his hoodie and tries to not look so shocked at what’s revealed from under it. 

Matthew’s buff. He’s real buff. His eyes trail down to the tattoo on the side of his ribs, then back up to ring on his left nipple. Further up, around his neck, is a cross chain in overlaid gold. Gunwook realizes that he’s never seen Matthew show a sliver of skin the entire time he’s known him. That he’s been hiding all of this underneath baggy clothes and long sleeves. 

Gunwook looks back up at his face. Matthew’s been hiding a lot. A whole lot. 

Matthew leans down, Gunwook doesn’t miss the way his necklace dangles over his chin. 

“Consider this your baptism.”

Fucking Matthew is nothing like how kissing him felt like. Kissing him felt like being rewarded. Sweet enough to be framed and locked into his memory forever. 

Right now, he feels like he’s been pinned to a cross—nails hammered into his hands and feet—unable to move and more importantly exposed. Matthew licks a long stripe up the side of his neck and giggles in his ear when Gunwook can’t stifle the noise he lets out. 

Matthew hasn’t even moved yet. He’s been sitting on his dick for what’s felt like hours. It’s probably only been 2 minutes. 

“You’re kinda mean,” Gunwook breathes out. Matthew gapes his mouth open like he’s offended. 

“I just think… you’re cute and fun to mess with,” he says quietly, like it’s a confession he’s been keeping to himself all this time. Gunwook wishes he could laugh, but he can’t. Not with Matthew sitting like a stone in his lap. Not when he feels like a furnace and every touch of their skin igniting flames. 

“Tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you,” Matthew offers, like it’s nothing. 

“I just-” Gunwook loses the sentence halfway when Matthew shifts slightly. He forces his eyes open. 

“Want you to move…please?” He doesn’t even know what he’s begging for.  

Gunwook pulls Matthew incredibly close when he dips down to kiss him again. 

“You can move yourself,” Matthew says against his mouth. Gunwook wants to tell him that’s a bad idea. That he’s scared if he does he’ll finish right before they’ve even really started. His heat is inviting though—too inviting. Gunwook can’t help but buck his hips up once just to indulge—he immediately regrets it afterwards. 

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it,” Matthew says, seeming to observe his hesitation. He rests his full weight on him instead. Gunwook takes the opportunity to wrap his arms around his waist fully and bends his knees up to plant his feet into the mattress. Matthew feels so nice in his hold. Too nice. His skin is soft, his muscles are so toned it’s almost distracting. Gunwook moves carefully, observing the expressions on Matthew’s face. Even though he’s having a hard time controlling his own. 

When he feels himself speeding up his thrusts, he wills himself to slow down. When his grip gets too hard, he forces his hands to relax. When he’s close to tipping over the edge completely, he shuts his eyes and thinks about kittens dying. 

Matthew laughs breathlessly suddenly, caressing the side of Gunwook’s face. “Why won’t you look at me?”

“I would like to last,” he responds, honestly. Matthew clearly doesn’t know the effect he has on Gunwook. Opening his eyes to look at him right now is too much. He’s just about as flushed out as Gunwook probably is. 

“This is just the first time.”

Maybe it’s the promise that there will be a next time that gets to him. Or the way Matthew pushes himself up on his hands and fucks himself hard and fast on his cock. Gunwook’s hands find their way to his hips as he just lays there and takes it. 

His release doesn’t even sneak up on him, doesn't even build up and ease into its arrival. It’s sudden, it feels like getting slapped in the face. Gunwook chokes out a sob and squeezes Matthew probably tighter than he should. 

Matthew lifts his hips to let Gunwook slide out of him—one hand busy on his own cock. Gunwook blinks open his eyes from the black and white daze when he feels something wet pooling on his stomach. 

Matthew sits back on his thighs, chest heaving up and down. “Oh, sorry,” he laughs slightly, looking down at the spurts of come on Gunwook’s torso. 

“It’s okay,” Gunwook says back immediately, not wanting him to feel bad about it. Matthew drags himself off of the bed and into the bathroom, shortly returning with a wet towel. 

“Aftercare is important,” Matthew says after he’s close to finishing cleaning Gunwook up. 

Gunwook rolls his head over to the side to look up at him. “You do this with everyone?”

“No.” Matthew chucks the towel into a laundry basket nearby and climbs back into bed. It’s how they eventually end up like they are now: Gunwook’s head laying on his chest with Matthew running his fingers through his hair. 

“Hey Matt.”

“Yeah?”

“Does growing up get easier?” It’s a broad question. He doesn’t notice that until after it’s already said. He can feel the way Matthew looks down at him. He hopes he doesn’t ask him why he’s asking.

“Not necessarily. You just have to make sure you surround yourself with the right people to get through it. That’s it.”

“Did you?”

He laughs, lightheartedly. “I’ve made a few mistakes, but you learn from them. Eventually.”

—

For the first time, Gunwook stands directly under the shower head like Ricky usually does. The warm water drenches him completely, it feels like that one time he went to the beach with his mom. Almost drowned underwater.

“I did it.” Gunwook steps away from the stream and wipes a hand over his face. Ricky isn’t looking at him when he looks over at his stall. 

He already knows what he’s talking about. “When?”

“Last Friday.” Gunwook bites back the laugh that tries to come up. Of course, they both had sex on the same day. Of course.

“Really?”

“Yup.”

“And how was it?” He says reaching for his soap.

“Good,” Ricky says quickly enough for it to almost go unheard. 

Gunwook side eyes him. “Don’t lie.”

“It hurt so bad at first, I thought I was gonna die.” Gunwook definitely can’t tell him that he didn’t bottom. Ricky would bitch at him saying it’s not the same. He settles on staring at the tile wall instead.

“But it eventually got good at least, right?”

Ricky shrugs. “Yeah. Gyuvin is sweet. Just, too excited.” 

Gunwook laughs. “Alright well, you win.”

Ricky perks up immediately, shaking his wet hair. “For real? Give me 100.”

“You don’t even need it.”

“I’ll never turn down money. So when are you going to do it with Matthew?”

Gunwook smiles to himself recounting the night that he and Matthew spent together. It feels like a fragile memory that he needs to protect. Right now, Ricky will just have to be left in the dark.

“Soon, maybe.”