Chapter Text
September 4th 201m2023 B.C. Volcadera Bluff's early morning winds ruffle my hair much to my annoyance. The heat of this place, however, makes it somewhat more pleasurable. I would rather stay in bed and watch some backlogged anime, however, today is the day that I cannot afford that. Today is my first day at school. The first day of the senior year. One more year and it is done… one more year, huh?
I must admit, such a thought has put me in a melancholic mood. I do not really want to go there, but, you know, student duty and all. Frankly, I am looking forward only to my art lessons. I guess they are the only thing that makes spending my time in St Hammond worth it. After all, I have the best art teacher probably in the entire world.
Despite trying to think positively, my mind slowly pulls me back toward more… darker thoughts. For once, I think I am in a bit of trouble… It's a small problem, and I hope that spending time at school will solve it. After all, misery is one of the greater inspirations.
However, the other problem is a bit more complex. I mean, sure, I have some friends at school… but there are also people who I do not wish to see at the moment. Like that traitor Ben… or his new girlfriend Mia. Was she recent? Maybe I am wrong, I admit, that I did not pay attention to him during the second year, but honestly, after what he has done…
…
I don't want to think about it.
…
As I continue walking down the road, by my side there is a friend of sorts… maybe more like a family, now that I think about it. A younger brother perhaps? Yeah, his name was Damien. He was a pinkish-beige dino, a mix between Spinosaurus and Dilophosaurus. That meant he had frills… and an acid gland. Hope he will never get to use it. Otherwise, he was just a normal dino boy around my age. He had brushed backward brown hair, which constantly looked like he just escaped a tornado… and judging by his green eyes, I think that tornado either scrambled or swooped away his brains… Not a single thought behind them. He was wearing a green shirt with some strange symbol on it, which SEEMED familiar, but I could never put my finger on it. He was also wearing ripped blue jeans… and I do not think it is a stylistic design. And as usual, for some reason, he had a brown jacket wrapped around his waist. Don't forget generic 20-dollar red and white sports shoes. Honestly, he looked like a homeless person, who put one the first thing he managed to find in a dumpster. As a person well versed in arts, all I can say about this person is… Unphotogenic. But hey, that does not mean I was not appreciating his company. It is just from time to time he can be a bit overbearing.
Today we finally renewed our morning ritual. Walking together to school from home. We lived nearby, so we did not need a ride. Damien, as usual, was reciting to me what he was going to do today… which I promptly filtered out. Sometimes I believe that he just does this because he likes the sound of his voice, but honestly, I believe the guy has no shred of ego. He is so innocent, despite having Liz he probably never even kissed her.
…
Romance, huh? Now I noticed on the way to the school, that there were more and more students holding hands, talking to each other, and planning what they would do after school. I am, myself, not a romantic person… But even I have a dream of something. I dunno, maybe I am just, maybe, a bit lonely. After having that fight with Ben, and now having Damien preoccupied with Liz… It feels like I am being left behind… Positive thought, Liv, positive thoughts!
Soon, before us, lay a familiar path. The vegetation here was thick and heavy. The smell was like one of the camping grounds… Strange, it makes me a bit nostalgic. Back when I was young me and Damien were hanging out together a lot… Our parents were friends you see. Hell, Damien's parents were my godparents… Why does this string of thoughts make me sad?
Parents… I hoped that my dad would at least visit me before the school. You know, to congratulate me for finally becoming a senior. But he wasn't there… as of late, he is rarely there.
I slump a bit and Damien takes notice.
"Hey, Liv, are you alright?" - his usually lively and energetic voice was timid. He was sincerely concerned.
"I am fine… Just feel a bit down knowing this is our last year. You know, of school."
"Ha, I totally get that. And that also means that instead of feeling down we must make sure that every moment counts! Do not worry, Liv. I have a good feeling about this year!"
"Hehe, you say this about every year."
"And every year so far was great, won't you say?"
"... Yeah, I guess."
I do not want to infect this innocent guy with my blues. The rest of the way we proceed in silence. Soon, we reach the creek. As we cross it, in a distance I can see a familiar building, growing bigger and bigger. Until finally…
Here it was. St Hammond. The school which I was attending for the last three years. This one will make the fourth. It was not some fancy private school with huge towers or beautiful walls. It was a simple, square typical standard school building. But it has its charm. It had a soul like no other, given to it by its students and teachers. Sure, it might have been not the best school in the country… but it certainly was a school befitting me. You know, looking at this school for the first time in months made me kinda nostalgic in a way. Damn it, Olivia Halford, this last year's blues are getting to you. Just remind yourself, that once you are done here, you can finally chase your dream! A dream of becoming the greatest artist in the state, country even maybe… you just need some inspiration.
"You look pumped suddenly."
"Because I am hyping myself up for the future, Damien. I going to do it! I am going to-"
"Become the greatest artist, I know that. And honestly? I can see that. Your paintings are cool, Liv, but… I am still worried about you."
"Hm?"
Damien crossed his arms and looked to the ground for the moment… here it comes.
"It's just that… Liv, besides me and Liz, it seems you have no friends here. It is somewhat concerning."
I sigh… he is always like that. Always worries his little head about others.
"It is fine, Damien. I am doing fine. I do not need a lot of friends. Just a few high-quality ones. Like you and Liz."
"I guess… Still, I wish you opened up to people more. You are a good person, Liv, you can easily become friends with anyone you want, you just need to open your heart to them, so to speak."
I cross my arms and squint my eyes at Damien.
"... Have you sneaked into my room and read my anime backlog again?"
Suddenly, Damien's eyes widen.
"Yeah, I need to go meet Liz, see you during lunch, bye!"
And just like that, he rushed head first into the school… What a total buffoon, he is so easy to read, it is kinda concerning. But, eh, Liz is always there for him, so I guess that is a relief. He will manage it somehow in adult life.
But then I realized that I was all alone right now. I notice many people passing me by, not paying even the slightest attention to me. I mean, why should they? I am a nobody here… A nobody, huh?
Discarding this thought, I head inside the school.
***
Yup. This is the same ol' St. Hammond as ever. The same old hallways. The same old lockers. The old familiar faces. This boring place that, for some reason, I hold close to my heart. And yet this place feels empty. If I remember correctly from the email I got, today's art lesson will be headed by the substitute teacher… Man, my day is ruined already. I guess I will just walk around, maybe I will see something that will give me some inspiration for later.
…
Damn, nothing. I guess inspiration is not just something you find and claim in an instant… Well, I knew that already, but still. I had some time before the first class, what it was again? Ar right… PE. I am NOT looking towards that. For now, I must relax.
It was not long before I found myself standing before the door to the principal's office… but my attention was not directed towards it… No, instead, at the moment, my attention was on the display case on the opposite side of the door. It contained many different awards many students, both past and present, got while studying here. Looking at some of them I recognize a few names, people I was studying with in the past. But most are unfamiliar to me. There were a few trophies, a few photos, and… I guess it was inevitable.
There was my painting, the one I drew all the way back in the first year. I made it for some competition, I do not care to remember. It won, obviously… but I hated that painting. When I made it, I was not there… mentally speaking. I had no motivation, no inspiration, nothing… I just had my brush and my paints and… I just kinda forced this one out of me. I made it because I was asked to, not because I wanted to.
It was a painting of the city. The skies were deep purple, and the buildings were highly details… I remember seeing this scenery somewhere, but I cannot recall there. The painting itself was of masterful quality, I must admit. The details, the colors, the composition… it was all well done. But at the end of the day, it was just that, a perfect recreation of the place I've seen.
I hate that painting. I always felt like it should have been a failure, but it somehow won… and I suspected the foul play in the making. Turned out it was… Fucking Ben. Always sticks his nose where it does not belong.
As I think that, my focus goes away, and instead I see my own reflection in the display's glass. Me, huh? My name is Olivia Halford. I am a Baryonyx. My dark green hair was as oily and messy as always, I did not care to take care of them properly. My green scales were looking a bit unhealthy I may say so myself. I guess spending most of the time inside of the house can do that to you. My yellow eyes looked hollow, and underneath them, I could see bags… probably earned by many sleepless nights of painting and watching anime. I was wearing my favorite violet hoodie and black pants. Underneath my hoodie, I was wearing a black t-shirt with a flaming dino skull print on it… I thought it was funny.
You know, looking at myself, I can see why nobody ever found me interesting or attractive. I look outright hostile. As if I look at others around me like they were made of garbage. I am not the most positive person in the world, but I am not that negative. And look at my body. Long fat tail? This… chub? No wonder that nobody ever approached me. What the hell you are thinking about, Olivia? Come on, you don't care about this mushy stuff…
Still, I do feel like I am wasting my youth…
Tap. tap. Tap. tap.
I mean, sure, I enjoy art and…
Tap. tap. Tap. tap.
And I do think I have learned a lot and…
Tap. tap. Tap. tap.
UGH! What is that annoying noise?
As I turn around, I feel something bumping into me. Whatever it was, it immediately bounced off me. And then I heard a light thump. Huh? Did someone bump into me? I looked in the direction where it came from and… there, on the floor…
"Hey, watch where you are going!"
On the floor, there was a human man. He was around my age, I think. He was wearing a blue bomber jacket… I think it was some famous brand or something? Underneath it, he was wearing a white shirt. I could also see grey pants and black boots. Honestly, his attire looked simple, even though, like, half of his clothes were from the expensive stores. His face is… almost non-existent. I mean, it is not a joke, his face was borderline featureless. He had no hair, no facial hair, no imperfections or anything… He looked like a mannequin. Creepy.
He was also wearing shades… Inside the building. Is he one of those douchebags who thinks that wearing shades 24/7 makes them cool? Man, what a bore…
"S-sorry, hehe, couldn't see you there."
I see something in his right arm… Something long, almost rod-like. Wait… Is that a cane? Yeah, it was a rod connected to his hand by a small piece of strap. It was white and had some plastic parts here and there… it looks like…
Cane for the blind people? Suddenly, my brain begins to draw connections… White cane… Shades inside the building… Oh no… Suddenly, the line I've said to this guy comes back.
Hey, watch where you are going!
FffffUCK! DAMN IT OLIVIA! YOU FUCKED UP! Quick, apologize to him and-
"Inco! Are you alright?"
A familiar voice could be heard… No, why is HE here of all people?
Just like that, from the hallway, a familiar person approaches. A blue Parasaurolophus wearing the most preppy clothes one could possibly wear. A red jacket, a yellow turtleneck yellow sweater, blue jeans, and brown shoes. He looked like he was going to a public meeting or something. He was wearing glasses, as usual. His brown hair was neatly combed, they looked like a tent. His red eyes, trembled with panic as he approached the human on the ground… and as soon as he saw me, his eyes turned bored and grim.
It was Ben. My old friend… Well, more like my old FORMAL friend, but, you know, we had a history. He approached a human on the floor.
"Inco, you shouldn't have run off, here, let me help you!" - his voice was as calming and friendly as ever.
He reached out his hand to the human… however, the human did not accept it. Instead, he raised his arm, showing that he did not need help and… Slowly and awkwardly lifted himself off the ground, trying to confirm his footing with each move he was making. It almost looked like an imitation of movement… Slow, trembling, awkward. It took him some effort, but he was back on his feet.
And then he looked my way… or rather into my general direction. His look was… off. I swear, he overshoots the place where my eyes should be. It confirms it… this man is blind. He cannot see me at all. As he stands, he places his cane in front of himself and uses it as a support beam. Then, he says:
"Hi, my name is Inco. Inco G. Nito! Nice to meet you!"
Such a simple greeting almost feels like it is being recited. He reaches his hand out to me. Does he want a handshake? And unusual action for a man his age, but I guess considering his condition it is the only way for him to feel that he greeted a person for sure. I reach out my hand to his and grasp it. His grip is weak and gentle… And then he lets it go.
"L-liv… Olivia Halford."
"Olivia, huh? What a nice name." - he said with a chipper voice.
He feels my hand for a second.
"Scalie and rough… are you a dino?" - he asks innocently.
"Uhm… yeah?"
"Cool, another dino friend! It's two more than I had in my last school!"
Before I could process everything that had happened before me, this guy's entourage stepped in… Ben.
"Hello, Olivia."
"Hello, Ben."
Our exchange is anything but friendly. Ironic that we meet each other before that painting. But before long Ben relaxes. He turns to the human.
"Inco, you should be more careful. You still don't know the school's layout!"
"I know enough to make a 20-foot dash… We are about a few more away from the principal's office, correct?"
"Inco… we right in front of her office."
"Oh? Coolio! That means I was correct in my assessment!"
This guy… Inco… He is a strange individual for sure. Happy and joyous, always upbeat, despite his situation. I guess in a way this trait is admirable. In the same way as being a person who can't sing being eager to be the first one to sing is admirable… In other words, he appears to be annoying. Thank god and Raptor Jesus I won't have to interact with him once we are done here.
Ben looks at his watch.
"Huh? Uh, Inco?" - his eyes were directed towards the human. - "I think we need to hurry, the first class is about to start."
"Oh really? Man, and I wish I could have more time to talk with you, Olivia!"
Please don't.
"Olivia also needs to hurry… she has PE." - said Ben.
"PE? Blast it, I can't attend it! Oh well…" - this human guy turned to me. - "It seems that we won't be able to meet up again, so, thank you for introducing yourself to me, and I hope our will paths will cross again!"
"Yeah… sure." - I just hope he won't notice the annoyance in my voice.
Inco nods cheerily and waits for Ben to lead him in the direction of the Principal's office… I guess I don't have much left to do here. Throwing one last glimpse at the painting in the display case, all I can think is…
"Soulless…"
… You haven't even apologized to him, Liv. You are an idiot.
***
The first class of the day… PE. Who the hell designed this class schedule? WHO THE HELL starts the day with a fucking PE? Ugh, maybe I should have skipped a day before going to school. I mean it is not like I am missing out on anything today. Except for the art class that is. Damn, just hold on there, Liv, and soon you-
"ARE YOU SPACING OUT ON ME, CADETS! EYES ON ME, MAGGOT!"
Startled, I make a small jump and fix my posture. That loud and imposing voice belonged to none other than Solly, our coach. He was… Human? More like an ape, really, and I do not mean it as an insult. Huge, hairy, animalistic features… he looks as if a gorilla was suddenly jumpstarted into one of the further points of evolution and kinda left there. As usual, he was wearing his red cap, red shirt, and grey shorts… and right now he looked like he was about to snap someone in half. Arms crossed on his chest, his eyes hidden beneath the shadow of his hat… I could feel his stern stare directed at me. I honestly never saw him without at least some kind of hat, so I never even saw his eyes.
I should not let him wait for my response, the last person who did it was almost decapitated by a dodgeball.
"Yes sir! Sorry sir!" - I say nervously.
"KNOW THIS, AND KNOW IT WELL SON!" - I am a girl. - "NEVER MAKE ME REMIND YOU THE RULES OF MY GYMNASIUM! FOR PUNISHMENT IS DISPERSED WHETHER YOU KNOW THEM OR NOT, AM I CLEAR?
"YES SIR!" - Fffffuck… this guy is too much!
"Good! Now… I WANT ALL OF YOU TO DROP ONTO THE GROUND AND GIVE ME YOUR 20 FINEST PUSH-UPS! IF I SEE EVEN ONE OF YOU SLACKING, I WILL MAKE SURE THAT FLOOR IS THE ONLY THING YOU KNOW!"
Point taken, and as ordered, I drop to the ground and begin to perform push-ups… Damn it, I let myself go, aren't I? And I am not even weak, I am pretty sure that I was lifting something else but myself, I wouldn't had such a tough time, but as it is…
These twenty push-ups do not come easy. It's a struggle that I overcome with pure will, but… I made it. Allowing myself to drop to the ground, I gasp for air. My lungs hurt, and my arms… My legs a bit. From 20 push-ups? That is so pathetic.
"Liv?" - A familiar voice reaches me. - "Are you alright?"
I turn myself on my back.
"Damien? Yeah… I am swell… freaking fantastic…"
His eyes stare at me with a bit of disappointment emitting from his blank eyes.
"Maybe you should cut back on snacks and come out of your room more often… I mean, we used to play on monkey bars together when we were kids."
"It has been… so many… years ago…"
"True, but still, Liv, you really let yourself go."
"I am aware of that… Instead of criticizing me, how about helping me to stand up…"
With a sigh and serious expression, Damien approaches my limp body and grabs my hand. Feeling a certain support from him, I raise myself off the floor, hanging by his hand… until I can stand up by myself. Still, it was difficult to stand, as I used my knees as a support, preventing myself from falling forward as I caught my breath.
"I should have stayed home today… Damien…"
"Come on, don't be like that, Liv. You promised me that today you will be more proactive than usual."
Yeah, I remember. We had a bet yesterday: we played the match of "SF3" and he managed to whoop my ass. And then he made me promise that today I would TRY to be more friendly and approachable than usual. He also made me promise to, as he said, "branch out" my interests. I dunno why he is so pushy about that. Who cares if people find me approachable or friendly? Who cares about stuff like PE?
"Liv…" - Damien's tone was outright demanding right now.
"I got it, I got it, just give me a moment."
Shaking his head slowly, Damien whispered something to himself… Something along the lines of "she's still her usual self" or something. Better not to pay attention to that, don't want to start another argument with him.
…
Right after all the students finished with their push-ups, Solly already was scheming about the next step. He smiled… Oh no.
"NOW, EVERYONE, SINCE IT IS YOUR FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL AND I AM IN THE GOOD MOOD!" - Oh, Raptor Jesus in heaven, please, anything but that! - "HOW ABOUT WE HAVE OURSELVES A GOOD OLD GAME OF DODGEBALL?"
… SHIT! Why now? Of all days!? Oh for fu-... I turned to Damien, who was grinning from ear to ear like an idiot.
"Ah yeah! Dodgeball time!" - he exhumed excitedly. - "Aren't you excited, Liv?"
"NO! I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE!!!"
"Too bad, this ride never ends, eh, Liv?"
"Please no… it is so annoyi-"
Before I could even finish my sentence, the coach's thundering voice made its way out of his mouth.
"ALRIGHT, MAGGOTS! PICK A SIDE, AND KEEP THE NUMBER EVEN! THIS IS A SUICIDE MATCH!"
Alright, Liv, relax. Sure, this is annoying, but nothing you cannot manage. Just push through it and you will be golden. Remember the first rule of this gymnasium… gang up on the weakest. Heh. Even if I am a bit out of shape, I am still strong as heck. And I am not really that bad at dodgeball… Right, for as long as Damien is by my side, nothing will go wro-...
Where is Damien? I looked around and then I saw him on the other side of the gymnasium. While I was thinking, it seemed everyone already picked a side, and… Damien…
"DAMIEN, THE ARE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE???"
"Hey, Liv. Sorry about that, but I want to give this side an actual fighting chance. Besides, it is not like you need me." - he said calmly while smiling and blankly staring at me. I look at his team and… is that..?
"No fighting chance my ass, Damien, on your side you also have fucking Mi-"
"ALRIGHT, MAGGOTS, IT SEEMS EVERYONE IS READY! I WANT YOU ALL TO RECITE THE FIRST RULE, THE ONLY RULE WE GOT!" - Solly's voice interrupted me and was announcing the start of the game… screw it, might as well try.
"GANG UP ON THE WEAKEST ON!!!" - Everyone roared in sheer excitement.
…
What happened next can only be described as a warzone. Dodgeballs were flying everywhere, bodies dropping like flies, I could hear the maniacal laughter of some students as they scored a point, only for them to be silenced soon by an upcoming attack from the enemy. Me? I was dodging everything like crazy. I am quite a big target, so no wonder so many went after me first. Too bad for them, while my push-ups were abysmal, I am anything but. No matter from what direction it came, no matter the speed at which it was flying… I was able to dodge everything with ease.
In fact, I managed to find a good flow. As I continue to dodge and even attack back, however, I start to realize something…
THIS IS BORING! I mean, sure, it was exciting at first, but now I feel nothing but pain in the ass! Screw the bet, I want to get out of this stupid gymnasium! But how? I can't exactly just stop playing, or else I will piss off Solly, and the last thing I need is that angry ape at my throat! Maybe I could get purposefully hit… Maybe…?
"Hey, Gator girl…" - I hear a female voice coming from the side of the other team. There I saw something red, golden, and filled with fury. Before I could react and assess the situation… - "Catch!"
Suddenly I notice a big red ball flying in my direction. Shit, it is too fast, if I let myself be hit by that I will… Wait, this is the chance! The chance to get away from this place, the chance to-
Before I finish the thought, I feel the impact, the pain in my teeth… and everything going dark, as I fly backward and fall down on the floor. Ouch, it is painful but manageable. This could be a good chance to escape this all. Just pretend that you are knocked out or injured and ask for an early leave.
"CADET MORETTI! YOU WERE KNOCKED OUT OF THE GAME SEVERAL MINUTES AGO! AND THUS YOU COULD NOT DO THAT! HOW WOULD YOU EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ME?" - through the darkness I can hear Solly's voice, and he was berating someone.
"... Sorry, got caught up in all of that excitement!" - said a female student… of course, it was her, who else? This is so annoying.
I hear the footsteps approaching me.
"Hey, greeny! Are you awake? On your feet and back into the game, cadet!" - his voice was a bit quieter… Maybe I can convince him that I don't-
"No… I like it here more… on the floor…" - these words escape my mouth without me even realizing that. Huh, I guess I was done with this shit. I just wanted to get through this class and do what I truly like. Not this "running around with the ball" nonsense. - "This is… boring…"
Why am I even here? Because of a dumb bet? I wish I could have just skipped all these unnecessary classes. Through the darkness, I hear Solly sighing and -
BONK
…
Ouch… It seems that Coach Solly did not like that… How the hell is he this strong?
When I came to, I was in the infirmary, lying on one of those very uncomfortable infirmary beds. The room was exactly the same as I remember, a clean tiled floor that reflected light itself, grey walls that surrounded all four sides, and some white tables and cabinets with documents in them. And a window to the outside… the light was bright and golden, which means…
"It is already noon." - I mumble to myself… I missed the art class. Damn it.
I looked around for the nurse, who was busy treating some other student who had a pig plastic ball stuffed into their mouth in such a way that it prevented them from closing it. Huh. I raise myself off the bed.
"Awake already, Greenie?" - not too far from my bad, I saw Coach Solly just kinda standing there, probably waiting for me to wake. - "I may have overdone it with the punishment, but you took the hit very well, cadet."
He smiles. And it was not one of those reassuring smiles, but more like a "you've done well" smile.
"Why did you throw that ball at me though… Wasn't hitting once enough?" - I said while groaning.
"Why did I do that? Hmm? That is a good question, but first, greenie, I want to hear your opinion.
"... Because I pissed you off?"
"Could you elaborate?"
"Because I purposefully took the hit to get out of the game?"
"BZZZ, wrong! Greenie, it saddens me to see you act the same way you did for the last several years. For as long as you have been here, you acted selfishly and you alienated others from yourself. Today was just another proof of that fact." - his voice was stern. - "Greenie, just like before, you shut your heart tighter than Fortnox."
"What?"
"Do you know what happened after you were knocked out? By your own accord, by the way. Your team has lost."
"... So?"
"Girl, I am about to use the ball again."
"Listen, Coach, I am sorry for getting knocked out, but frankly, I don't see how my team losing is my problem. I mean, I did not even want to play from the very beginning. I was forced into that stupid game in which I have no real interest!"
"... Greenie, you are an art student, right?"
"What? Of course, I am."
"You like art, like painting and stuff?"
"... yes?"
"THEN LISTEN HERE! THIS SCHOOL IS NOT HERE TO INDULGE IN YOUR HOBBIES AND INTERESTS! Here at St Hammond, we are teaching, as well as preparing you for adult life! For the day when you are finally ready to leave this place and become a proper adult. Sure, you came here to learn art, but if you are here only for art, then GO HOME AND PAINT IN YOUR ROOM!"
… that is what I wanted to do from the start.
"However if you do that, then you will miss out on a lot of things. Friendships, comradery, all that stuff that makes you mature faster."
"... I have friends."
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT! Sure, you have them now, but once you are out there, do you think they will tolerate such behavior? They will probably try but… If you let yourself be blinded by your love for art and by your devotion to what you think is worth doing, you will end up hurting those who walk alongside you. Kinda like what happened back in the gymnasium. Your unwillingness to participate in things that you find boring and in the lives of others resulted in a total loss for your team."
… What a bunch of nonsense, who does this guy think he is? Sergeant Pain? I am done here, I will just drift through the day till-
"By the way, it seems that you've been hurt during the match of dodgeball. You should pay more attention next time… and think quicker."
"Huh? Oh… Nah, I think I-"
"Your right eye is red. Even if you do not feel bad right now, you may start having headaches later. I told the nurse to look after you and already contacted your guardians so that they could pick you up."
… Fantastic, how would I explain that to Randy and Sophia?
"It is fine, I will just-"
"I insist, Greenie. I don't want you to risk your health out of your stubbornness."
He smiles. Almost as if he was proud seeing me trying to refuse help. But at the same time, I can sense that he is sincere about that order. He will not let me walk out of this room unless it is to go home… Damn.
"Alright… Coach Solly."
"Good." - once again he smiles. - "Greenie, you have a lot of potential. Don't squander it over petty things."
And so I laid down on the bed, as Coach Solly observed my every movement as if he was some type of guard dog. At least I will have my wish and will be able to go home early… I only wish I did not skip the art class.
***
As my godparents arrived to pick me up, I was not in the mood to talk. And they could see that. The ride home was steady and quiet, only a few words were spoken. Mostly just "Are you okay?" and "Is everything fine?" types of questions. Once we arrived back home and I was presented with a mostly empty house, I immediately went to my room. I need to relax…
I take out an easel and a piece of small canvas from my closet and place it in the middle of the room. I prepare my paints and brushes and try to think of something to draw. After all, I need to submit something for the new year's art contest. I promised to Iadakan… my art teacher…
And yet, as I stare at the empty canvas before me… nothing really comes to mind. No inspiration whatsoever. What is happening to me? Not too long ago I was brimming with new ideas, drawing beautiful paintings, and doing what I do best… but nowadays I can't force even a single decent painting. Most of the time it is something generic. Sure, it is masterfully made, I do believe myself to be quite skilled… But I want there to be something more. More than just the show of my skill, something that one can look at and be amazed not by the colors or the lines… but by the painting's soul. And yet, almost all of my works in the last year were that - soulless.
How long have I been like that? How long I've been in a slump? I mean, it culminated a year ago, but it started sometime before… I guess it was around the time when I realized how much of a burden I am to my godparent. Maybe it was when I realized that Damien wouldn't be there for me always. Maybe I wanted something more out of my life, that I cannot pinpoint correctly. Once again I look at the canvas.
Maybe it is I who became soulless.
***
I've been at it for probably a few hours, staring at that white rectangular. There were a few lines on it, but nothing more. There was a shape of something, something like nature and the sun… but yet again this painting feels absolutely empty. Damn. What am I missing here? Was Damien right about me not being proactive enough? I sincerely don't know.
My thoughts were interrupted by the knocking at my door.
"You, Liv, are you alright?" - a familiar voice could be heard outside my room. - "I am sorry about what happened. I've heard that you have been sent home early today, huh? So you've been there in your room since you returned?"
I stay silent, staring into the white nothing…
"Liv, I… Wanna talk? About anything? It has been a while since… we talked like we used to." - I stay silent… I am sorry, Damien, but I really don't know what to say. - "So… today is the same as usual. Fine. If you wanna talk, I am right outside, you know that, right? We all are. Just… come out once you are feeling better."
The sound of his steps became more and more distant, and then there was silence outside my room. I continued to stare into the blank canvas, whose purity was tainted by my actions. I tried to make something beautiful, and yet it came out like nothing. I put away the canvas, the easel, my paints, and my brush, and just… plop myself onto my bed. I take my laptop and turn it on. That is right, I have a lot of stuff backlogged. So might as well catch up. Yeah, at least I have this.
… So why does it feel so boring to do the stuff I love?
As the skies outside grow dark, and my room becomes dimmer, I was here alone.
Staring deeply into the flickering screen. Searching desperately for my soul.