Chapter Text
Something heavy crashed into the door before blunt nails scratched over the wood in the attempt to get the key into the lock. Finally the knob turned and two bodies stumbled into the room.
Dean pushed Cas up against the wall roughly, kicking the door shut with his foot. “What were you thinkin’?” he growled as he pinned the angel against the wall, his fists clutching the lapels of his filthy trenchcoat. “What the f-fuck were you thinkin’?!”
“I just explained that to you,” Castiel replied. Dean knew him well enough to realise the angel wasn’t as calm and confident as he pretended.
Dean hadn’t believed his eyes when the familiar shape had suddenly appeared right next to his bar stool, had thought he was imagining things again. Had blamed the alcohol he’d turned to as soon he’d been out of purgatory, resurrected Benny and gotten back to civilisation.
Cas had just stood there, staring at him with those stupid blue eyes, a soft “Dean…” escaping his chapped lips.
The hunter had just shaken his head. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. He’d subconsciously reached out his hand and flinched when his fingers really hit the fabric of the dirty trenchcoat.
After a few more moments of stunned silence and incredulous stares Castiel had slowly sat down on the stool next to Dean, not taking his eyes off the hunter for a single second.
“What…? How…?”
To his surprise Cas had actually started to speak quietly. He had told him about the moment Dean had disappeared through the portal and how Cas had spent the next few weeks running, hiding and fighting for his life and suddenly he’d looked up and stood on the side of a road somewhere in Illinois.
He had no idea how he’d gotten out.
While Cas had been talking Dean had ordered a whiskey and chugged it, then another and another one, shaking his head now and then.
“Why… why’d I lose ya?” It wasn’t what Dean had wanted to say, not what he meant, but the words had been out before he could stop himself.
Castiel had looked to the ground and swallowed, giving no answer.
“What happened?” Dean had slurred in a whisper. “What the hell happened?!”
And Cas had told him. Had mumbled something about the portal not working for angels and other bullshit Dean couldn’t remember now. He’d just glared at the angel and eventually gritted a “Tell me the truth, god dammit.”
The harshness in his voice had caused the angel to cringe slightly and finally, after what felt like an eternity of just staring at each other, neither willing to give in, he’d muttered a few quiet sentences. Explained how he didn’t deserve to be saved, how he needed to suffer for his mistakes.
Without uttering a single word Dean had thrown a few bills on the bar, grabbed the angel’s arm and hauled him from the stool, out the door and across the street to the shabby motel.
“Do you have any idea, any idea at… at all what you put me through?” the hunter now snarled before clenching his teeth, pulling himself together so he wouldn’t yell at Cas. He wanted to shake him, punch him right in the face but instead he grabbed the blue tie with his right hand to yank his friend closer.
He couldn’t stand the pained expression on Castiel’s face and squeezed his eyes shut for a brief moment, taking a deep breath to calm his nerves and try to focus again.
“I am truly sorry, Dean. I never wanted to hurt you or make you worry.”
Glassy green eyes finally looked up again. “Fuck you, Cas. Fuck you.” Dean hated how his voice broke, tried to swallow the lump in his throat and clenched his teeth again.
“I’m sorry, Dean…” Cas whispered, the plea for forgiveness apparent in his eyes, but they both knew he wouldn’t voice it. It would be yet another one of the unspoken things that would make things even more complicated between them.
The angel’s tie was still wound around Dean’s hand and the hunter pulled him even closer, his breath ghosting over Cas’s face that was less than three inches away from his.
“Fuck you,” he growled again. Before he knew what the hell he was even thinking he closed the distance between them by tugging at the tie again while simultaneously leaning in for a desperate kiss, glad that Cas didn’t have to breathe, otherwise he would have probably strangled him by now – accidentally. Of course.
Sure, he was pissed as hell but he wouldn’t hurt Cas on purpose. Not much anyway. And it wasn’t like… Why was he even thinking about this? He was way too drunk to analyse his actions. And it just felt too good to feel the warmth of Castiel’s body, the scratch of his beard, to just know that he was alive. To know he was back.
Cas was stock-still as Dean kissed him, eyes wide open, trying to comprehend what was happening but he didn’t pull away. When Dean took a small step forward and nearly stumbled over his own feet Cas instinctively took a step back. His back hit the wall again and Dean’s lips immediately found the angel’s ones again. The kiss was sloppy, desperate, full of pent-up emotions, and Cas could taste the alcohol on Dean’s tongue. When the hunter moved to Cas’s neck to press wet kisses to the dirty skin Cas finally spoke, his voice rough and even lower than usually.
“Dean, what are you doing?” He didn’t know how to react, didn’t even move, just let Dean kiss him.
“Shut up, angel…” was the only reply he got before Dean tried to kiss him again, gripping Castiel’s coat tightly to keep himself upright.
Turning his head away only resulted in Dean’s nose bumping against Cas’s cheek.
“You stink,” he muttered and finally let go of Cas’s tie.
“You should get some sleep,” Cas tried to reason and gently grabbed the hunter’s arms before carefully pushing him towards the bed.
“Leave me alone,” Dean slurred and nearly stumbled again as his attempt to break free failed.
“Dean, please. We can talk about it tomorrow if you wish.”
With a snort Dean fell back on the bed, pulling Cas down with him and huffing when the angel nearly crushed him. “As if you’re still gon’ be here…” He glared up at Cas for a moment then pushed him away, scooted up the bed and grunted as he buried his face in the pillow. “I hate you,” he mumbled, his voice nearly muffled to inaudibility.
It was quiet for several minutes while Cas sat on the edge of the bed, if he were human he’d probably thought Dean had fallen asleep but he knew better. “If you really hate me why did you just…?”
“Fuck you.”
“I suppose a conversation with you is not an option right now,” Cas stated. “Do you want me to leave?”
Dean turned, gripped Cas’s wrist and squinted at him. “Don’t you dare.”