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"Good job!" Julie exclaims when Sammy pushes the button on his toy bus.
Baby Sammy claps his hands, excited at the songs that the bus starts singing. When it stops making them, Dean presses the button again. Aunt Julie doesn't praise him, she just grabs Sammy's pudgy arms and waves them around in a little dance. Dean goes back to playing with his legos.
They're sitting on a blanket in Aunt Julie and Uncle Mike's living room. They've been staying at their house since their own burnt down. Dean doesn't mind that much, he likes Aunt Julie. She's Mommy's best friend in the whole wide world. She has blond hair like her, but it's shorter and less curly. She always smiles and says funny things that make Dean giggle.
She's not smiling so much lately. It doesn't look real when she does, and sometimes she starts crying over nothing. Like now, when Dean asks, "Is mommy going to come back soon?"
Aunt Julie's smile disappears and she squeezes Sammy closer to her chest. Her eyes start looking all wet. She forces a smile on her lips as she gets up, bringing baby Sammy with her.
"Oh, look at that, it's snack time! How about I get you some cookies, honey?"
She doesn't wait for Dean's answer before she walks away.
She didn't answer his question. She used to at first, dad too, they tried to explain that Mommy isn't coming back, that she's in Heaven now. Dean knows she's coming back though, she wouldn't go to Heaven without him. He tried to tell them that, but they didn't believe him. Now they just ignore him when he asks. Sometimes, they get upset. Especially Daddy.
Dean is not sure how long Mommy will be gone. He hopes she comes back soon since she's taken Blue with her. Dean can't sleep well without his teddy bunny, she knows that. She's going to bring Blue back to him, like that time Dean forgot it in the car when she drove him to daycare. Mommy came all the way back from work to bring it to him so Dean wouldn't miss him. She's going to bring it back this time too. She's going to come back.
Dean jumps when Uncle Mike suddenly raises his voice. He's sitting with Daddy at the dinner table. They've been talking in low voices for a while now, like they were telling secrets.
Uncle Mike isn't keeping the secret anymore now, talking loud as he says, "You've got to stop, John. I know it's hard, what you went through was terrible, but you've got your boys to take care of. You've got to move on."
"Move on?" Daddy says, he looks mad too now. "That thing was in my boy's room, Mike! What if it comes back for him?"
Uncle Mike sighs, "It was just a burglar…"
"It was not! I keep telling you, his eyes-"
"Then what was it?" Uncle Mike exclaims. "A ghost? The devil? That shit doesn't exist, John! Your mind is tricking you, making you think you saw things that weren't there because you don't want to face the fact that what happened was an accident. It was tragic, yes, but it was an accident , John. You've got to accept that, for your boys' sake if not for yours."
"I know what I saw. This was no accident and I'll prove it. I'll find the thing that took Mary-" His Daddy's voice sounds strangled and he has to start over, "...that took Mary away from me. From us." Daddy pushes a fist against his mouth. He's crying.
Dean hates when Daddy cries. He always tries to hide it, but he's been doing it a lot lately. He probably misses Mommy too.
Dean jumps to his feet and runs to Daddy, pushing under his arm to hug his side. Daddy grabs him under the armpits, hauling him on his lap until Dean is straddling him and can push his arms around his Daddy's neck. Daddy squeezes him really hard, stifling a sob in Dean's shoulder. Dean pats his back like Mommy used to do to him when he had a big sad.
"It'll be okay, Daddy. Your inside boo-boo is going to get better really, really fast."
************
The next morning at breakfast, Daddy isn't here anymore. Aunt Julie says he's gone on a trip and will be back very soon. Uncle Mike says something about a goose's chase. Dean didn't know Daddy knew how to hunt geese, it sounds really cool. A little scary too, because geese can be really big. Dean saw one that was as tall as him once! Although he was smaller than he is now. Not as tiny as Sammy, but still. He wonders if there are geese as big as he is now.
It's very sunny that day so they go to the park with Aunt Julie. She brings a blanket and a huge basket with tons of snacks and sandwiches. They have a picnic in the grass.
Dean loves it.
He watches ants stealing cookie crumbs. They must be really strong because they carry crumbs as big as them! Dean isn't as strong as them, he can barely carry Sammy without getting ouchies in his arms and Sammy is way smaller than him.
Daddy is really strong though, he can carry Dean and Sammy both at the same time. Dean even saw him carry Mommy once and she's nearly as tall as him! Yeah, Daddy is definitively stronger than ants. He's the strongest man in the whole wide world (except maybe Superman, but only because Superman has superpowers so that's cheating).
Dean isn't sure how long Daddy is gone. At least two bedtimes.
Dean wakes up in the middle of night to a very loud noise. It's very scary and he gets really scared. He tries to call for Mommy but she doesn't come. He tries to call for Daddy but he doesn't come. He sobs and tries to call for Aunt Julie and she screams. Then she stops.
Dean trembles, squeezing his blankets around him as he stares at the door, anxiously waiting for her to come.
She doesn't.
He's not sure who to call anymore. Uncle Mike isn't here at night because he has work.
Why isn't Aunt Julie coming? Why did she make such a scary noise?
She's never done that before. It didn't sound like a happy noise.
The house is silent for a little while. From here, Dean can see Sammy peacefully sleeping in his crib in the corner. He's thinking of climbing next to Sammy because he's really scared all alone in his bed like this. Daddy told him he had to stop doing that though.
The floorboard creaks. Someone is coming up the stairs.
Is it Aunt Julie?
Maybe it's Mommy? Dean thinks, hopeful.
Dean's bedroom door is ajar. Aunt Julie always leave it like that with the light on in the corridor, because Dean is afraid of the dark. Dean gasps when a shadow appears on the ground in front of his bedroom, where the corridor light is streaming. It looks like it just appeared out of nowhere. It doesn't look like Aunt Julie or Mommy, it looks like a man with a long coat.
The sound of steps coming closer stops. It sounds like there are two people out there. One has a really growly voice, it sounds menacing and scary. Dean can't quite make out the words with the duvet covering his ears and half his face.
The shadow moves and suddenly there is a bright light coming through the gaps around the door. It's so bright Dean has to close his eyes and bury himself deeper under his blanket.
What is that?
When he dares to open his eyes again, the light is gone. Dean squeaks when something pushes the door. It's the shadow with the long coat. It's looking at him, but Dean can't quite make out its face in the dark, especially with spots still dancing across his vision from that bright light.
Dean calls hesitantly, "Daddy?"
A noise from downstairs makes the shadow tilt his head to the side.
"Dean!" Daddy yells from downstairs.
"Daddy!" Dean screams back. The relief at hearing his Daddy's voice is so intense that Dean starts to wail, sitting up in his bed and hugging his blanket to his chest. In a blink, the shadow has disappeared. Dean doesn't care. All he wants is his Daddy.
It's only a few seconds before his Dad rushes into the room. He runs straight to Dean and squeezes him so hard Dean can't breathe anymore.
When Daddy releases him, he grabs his face and looks him over, "Are you okay?" he asks, wiping the tears and snot off Dean's face with his sleeve.
"I want Mommy," Dean sobs. "I want Mommy now!"
Daddy heaves a sigh of relief and hugs him again. He pushes his nose into Dean's hair, "Me too, buddy. Me too." When he releases him, Daddy rushes to check on Sammy in the crib in the corner. "Put your shoes on, we're leaving," he instructs Dean as he takes Sammy in his arms.
The baby is still sleeping, barely twitching his nose as Daddy squeezes him against his chest with one arm. Daddy starts gathering their things and pushing them in Sammy's diaper bag with his free hand.
"Come on, Dean, hurry up."
Dean jumps out of bed. He's barely pushed his feet into his sleepers when Daddy's free arm slips under his butt and hauls him into his arms. Dean reflexively grabs the adult's shoulders to hold on as they hurry down the stairs.
"Close your eyes, Dean," Daddy orders.
Dean would have obeyed, he would have, but Daddy is nearly running and before Dean has time to close them, they're rushing through the living room to the front door. Before he has time to close them, it's too late and Dean has seen Aunt Julie.
She's lying on her back in front of the coffee table. Her head is bent to the side, looking straight at him, yet it looks like there is no one behind her blue eyes, like she's sleeping with her eyes open. There is red on her chin and Dean follows the trail down to her neck. It doesn't look like her neck anymore; it's all red and gooey and a big chunk of it is missing. It looks like a very big owie.
Dean grabs his own neck. "Daddy, my neck hurt!"
Daddy doesn't stop, opening the front door and running to the car. He puts Dean on the ground as he straps baby Sammy to his car seat. Dean grabs his father's leg with one arm as he pushes his fingers against his own neck.
"Daddy, it hurts, I have a big owie on my neck like Aunt Julie!"
Daddy freezes, looking down at Dean in panic. He paws at Dean's neck for a moment, only to heave a huge sigh when he finds nothing.
"Come on, get inside," he says, pushing at Dean until he climbs into the backseat next to Sammy.
"It hurts daddy, I need a band-aid!"
Daddy ignores him, closing the door and getting into the front seat. Dean continues to cry and asks for help until his father finally snaps, "Stop it! Just stop doing that!"
"But Daddy…"
"You're not hurt, Dean. You need to stop doing that every time someone gets hurt. It's not empathic, it's egocentric!"
Dean frowns. He has no idea what that means.
"It hurts," Dean repeats, pushing against his own neck and looking at his fingers again, like there is going to be red there, like there was on Aunt Julie. "It hurts a lot, daddy."
Daddy doesn't talk anymore as Dean sobs into the back seat. He remembers when Mommy cut her finger once and Dean's finger started hurting really bad too. She didn't like that he did that either. She told him it wasn't nice to do that, that he didn't have to pretend to be hurt too; that when someone gets hurt, you need to hug them and comfort them, not cry and hurt with them.
"I need to hug Aunt Julie, Daddy. I need to kiss her boo-boo to make her all better."
"We can't go back. We can never go back."
Mommy and him wore the same band-aid for two days after she cut her finger. They ate ice cream together so they could both get better. Dean hopes someone will give ice cream to Aunt Julie too.
************
They drive for a long time, it's really really boring. Sammy is bored too, he cries a lot. Dean's ears hurt. He tries to calm Sammy down, but there isn't much to do in the car.
Dean gets handsy too. As soon as Daddy opens the door, Dean starts running around. It annoys Daddy as he talks to the lady at the motel reception. Daddy has been grumpy since they left Aunt Julie's house. He's probably annoyed at all the driving too.
The room they get isn't very nice. It's brown all around and the TV doesn't work well. They have pizza for dinner, but when it's time to go to bed, Dean isn't tired at all. He took at least a million naps in the car, he doesn't want to sleep again!
Daddy puts him under the blankets, but Dean slips out as soon as he turns his back, giggling at his mischief. Daddy doesn't think it's funny. When Dean does it again and again, he gets really mad.
It makes Dean sad that Daddy never wants to play with him anymore.
He wishes Mommy was there to put him to bed. Maybe she's not back yet because she doesn't know where they are?
They've been sleeping at Aunt Julie and Uncle Mike's house for days. And now they're in this brown place. Maybe Mommy just doesn't know where they are.
"I want to go home, Daddy," Dean whines as Daddy carries him back to bed.
It's not his bed though. He wants his bed. He wants to lie in his bed all snuggled up with Mommy as she makes all the voices of the stories again. He wants Blue, his favorite teddy rabbit which has only one ear and smells like home. He wants the little angel that was on the shelf above his bed and was watching over him when he slept.
When he wakes up now, he's always all alone in a strange bed, in a strange room instead of home.
"We don't have a home anymore. I've told you that."
Dean looks down. He misses Mommy. And Julie. Aunt Julie was nice and took good care of Sammy and him since Mommy has been gone. She's gone too now, just like Mommy. Dean saw her lying on the ground as they left her house. Daddy tried to make him look away, but Dean saw it. There was blood all over and her neck was disgusting, with a big chunk of it gone.
Daddy has said Mommy was dead too, but last time Dean saw her, her neck was fine.
"I want Mommy," Dean whines, wriggling to get out of his Daddy's arms.
"Stop saying that." His voice sounds strangled and Dean stops struggling when he notices the tears in his Daddy's eyes. "You've got to stop asking, please ."
Dean's bottom lips wobble so he sucks it into his mouth, chewing to try and stop himself from letting out the big sob trying to come out. He sniffs, burying his head in his Daddy's shoulder, "I'm sorry, Daddy."
And he is. He doesn't want to make his Daddy cry again, but he keeps doing it. He keeps saying things that make people cry.
After that night, Dean vows not to ask about Mommy or home anymore. It's hard, because it's all he can think about most of the time, so he's always scared he's going to speak of Mommy again and make his Daddy sad.
Most of the time, he finds it's easier to just not talk at all. He doesn't upset people as much when he doesn't talk at all.
************
A few days later, Grandpa comes to visit them at the motel they're staying at. At least, that's who the man with no hair says he is. Dean has never seen him before.
Daddy doesn't look happy when the man introduces himself to Dean as Grandpa Jacob.
Grandpa's eyes get wet when he sees them for the first time. "Look at you," he tells Dean, crouching in front of him and cradling his cheek. "Look how strong and beautiful you are. You look just like your Mom."
Dean offers a toothy smile to the man, looking proudly back at his Daddy. He doesn't say anything though, especially when he notices that Daddy is looking all sad and serious.
Dean doesn't say much these days. He didn't use to be like that. He used to invent stories with Mommy and she would teach him games and new words. He loved talking with Mommy, she always used to talk to him like he was a small person and not a small kid. She was his favorite person in the whole wide world.
These days everytime he says something, Daddy gets mad or sad, or both. So he doesn't talk all that much anymore. Why would he when no one is left to really listen to him? He gets so scared of saying the wrong thing that he rather not say anything at all most of the time.
Except for Sammy. Sometimes he whispers stories that Mommy used to tell him. Sammy always listens. Sammy is his new favorite person in the whole wide world, even if he's not really a real person yet.
That night, Daddy goes out with Grandpa. They take guns with them.
When Daddy comes back, there is blood all over his shirt. Dean panics, thinking that his neck is going to fall apart like Aunt Julie's did. He's fine once he's washed it off though. He lets Dean paw at his neck and chest until he's sure there is no hole in Daddy. His eyes don't look quite right though, a little too wide and like Daddy isn't really in them.
Daddy holds Dean against his chest for a long time and sobs into his hair. Dean doesn't say anything. It's not the first time it has happened.
They never see Grandpa again.
************
The next day, they're having breakfast when there is a knock on the door again. It's not Grandpa though, but another man. He's less nice than Grandpa, and he smells really bad.
He's older than Daddy. His hair is black with lots of white and gray in them. He doesn't spare a look at Dean, but he keeps looking at Sammy weird.
Dean doesn't like him much. He takes Sammy with him and stands as far as he can while the man talks with Daddy.
They talk for a long time.
Daddy writes things in a brown leather journal as he listens. Dean doesn't get much about what they're talking about. What are demons and hellhounds? They sound scary.
When Daddy notices him trying to listen in, he puts on the tv with the sound too loud for Dean to eavesdrop anymore. Dean doesn't care all that much, he'd rather watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
************
Sammy and him take a nap in the car while Daddy drives for hours. They stop in front of an old building. Dean looks up at the bright letters above the doors, shining yellow and red. He can't read yet.
When they enter, there's loud music and a dozen people sitting in groups around small tables. There's a pool table that looks really cool and a wooden bar in the middle of the big room.
The man from yesterday, whom Daddy calls H, is sitting alone at one of the tables and they join him.
Sammy is all cozy in his baby bouncer that Daddy puts on the ground beside them.
"What can I get you boys?" A woman asks as her eyes pass over Dean and Sammy. She's frowning like she's mad.
"This is the man I told you about on the phone, Ellen," H says.
"You told me you had a guy for the shapeshifter gig, I wasn't expecting the whole Brady Bunch."
H shrugs, "We'll just drop them somewhere before we deal with it."
"Oh okay, and here I thought they were children, not hot potatoes."
"Listen, lady-" John starts.
"No, you listen, this is no place for kids." She's just said that when a man and a teenage girl enter with a blond baby girl in a stroller. Ellen immediately grimaces at the timing, stomping her feet in a funny way, "Damn it, Bill!"
The man freezes, looking over at them before raising his hands in a 'what-can-I-do' gesture. "Sorry?"
John smirks at the woman who just lets out a loud sigh with her hands on her hips.
"Alright, guess you can leave your hot potatoes with my little nugget while we work then." She rolls her eyes. Her face softens when the teenager picks up the baby girl and brings her to her. "This is my niece, Jenny," Ellen says, nodding to the young girl. She has long red hair, big brown eyes and speckles all over her face and arms. "And this is my little Jo," Ellen coos, taking the baby's hand to wave it in Dean's direction.
Dean offers her a polite smile and a little wave.
"That's Dean," Daddy says, putting a hand on his son's head. "And this one is Sammy."
"Well, Dean, I don't know if you heard, but this place happens to make the best pecan pie around, and as it happened, we made way too much today. You wouldn't be hungry by chance?"
Dean straightens in his chair, nodding enthusiastically. He sends a look to Daddy who agrees, "Take Sammy with you, but no pie for him, alright?"
"Can you watch over them tonight?" Ellen asks the young girl, giving her the baby girl back.
"Sure, Aunt Ellen." The girl offers her hand to Dean. "Hi Dean, I'm Jenny. You want to go eat some pie?"
************
They spend the afternoon in the apartment above the bar. Jo is just a couple months older than Sammy so they sit on a blanket with some of her toys for hours, playing more or less together. Honestly, they mostly sit there and slobber over everything, it gets pretty boring fast.
At first Jenny plays with Dean, but after dinner, once the babies are asleep, they sit on the couch and watch tv for some time. Jenny falls asleep halfway through, but Dean isn't tired yet.
There is a loud noise coming from outside, so Dean tiptoes to the window.
Daddy is down there along with H and a couple other men. One of them is Jo's Daddy.
No wait.
Two of them are Jo's Daddy.
How is that possible?
They're talking loudly and look dirty, like they've rolled on the ground. Dean is curious about there being two Bills. He wants to see them from closer, so he slips out of the upstair's loft and out by the roadhouse's backdoor.
When he steps outside, there's a sudden flash of light and a very loud noise that makes Dean yelp and cover his ears. When Dean looks up, he sees Billy fall to the ground and his Daddy holding a fuming gun.
Daddy's eyes become huge when he notices Dean standing there. Between them, there is blood starting to pour out of a neat hole between Billy's eyes. The other Billy is still standing there, his eyes are very round like he's shocked.
Daddy rushes to Dean and takes him in his arms, burying his head into his shoulder and turning him away from the dead body.
That's what it is, right? Like Aunt Julie.
"Why did you kill him, Daddy?" Dean asks, voice raspy from disuse.
He pushes two fingers between his eyes, right where the hole was on Billy. It hurts. It hurts really bad.
He doesn't say anything though, because it always upsets Daddy when he mimics other people's boo-boo.
************
They drive a lot the next day, and then the day after that. They sleep in different beds every night.
H is here a lot. He tells lots of things to Daddy and Daddy writes them all down in his journal. They spend hours going through old books too.
They're sitting at the table in the kitchen at their new motel. Dean likes that one because the walls are full of colors and there aren't any big insects in the bath like in the last one.
Daddy is giving Sammy his bottle while H eats a huge burger and fries. Dean had finished eating before H arrived, but it was canned soup and H's meal looks better. Dean's eyeing the fries in the middle of the table while he colors in his book, sitting between the two men at the little round table. He really wants a fry.
He knows he has to ask if he wants one, because those are H's fries. H is kind of scary though. He always says a lot of curse words, and he's not very nice. Still, Dean really wants a fry, so he pushes up where he's kneeling on his chair and points at the fries, looking at H in askance.
The older man frowns at him before he asks Daddy, "Is he a retard or something? Why doesn't he speak?"
Dean's not sure what a retard is.
"He's not stupid, he just hasn't been talking much since Mary," Daddy says as he tries to make Sammy burp, gently patting his back. Dean turns toward his Daddy, pointing insistently at the fries again. "Stop it. You've already had dinner." Dean deflates, sitting back on his haunches. "Damn it!" Daddy suddenly exclaims when Sammy vomits all over his shoulder.
Dean scrunches up his nose in disgust as Daddy runs to the bathroom with Sammy still in his arms.
"Looks stupid to me," H mutters.
He's not stupid, H is stupid. And mean. Dean pulls his tongue at him.
He cries out when H suddenly grabs his face. His fingers are pushing into Dean's cheeks so hard that Dean's eyes water.
H leans close to Dean's face. His breath smells really bad. "I should cut out your tongue, you insolent brat."
At the sound of Daddy steps coming closer, H releases Dean's face. Dean slips out of his chair, running to tackle Daddy's legs with a wail. That was really scary and his face hurts.
"Seriously, Dean?" His dad sighs, annoyed. Daddy crouched, sitting Sammy on his bent leg. Dean tries to bury himself against his chest, but Daddy grabs his arm, keeping him in front of him. "I said no for the fry, so now either you calm down or you're going straight to bed, is that clear?"
Dean sobs, emotions too strong to stop despite his best efforts. He's still crying when Daddy pulls the blanket over his shoulders, warning him not to get out of be. Sammy is crying too now and Daddy looks angry as he tries to rock the baby to sleep despite Dean's wails.
At the small kitchen table in the corner, H smirks.
************
Over the next few months, they're in the car a lot. They sleep at strangers' houses or motels. H is here all the time. Dean keeps his distance. Not that H tries to bond with him, he mostly sneers at him and tells mean things about him.
"You should drop the weight," H says, pointing at where Dean is sitting on the ground with Sammy between his legs.
Daddy just grunts, reading over a very old book.
Another day, Dean is trying to put Sammy to sleep, passing a finger over his tiny nose in a way that seems to always relax him. He can feel H's eyes on him.
"You got a fine little woman there, Winchester," H scoffs.
H always has mean remarks like that. At first Dean's Daddy used to tell him to shut up, but now he just ignores it. Daddy has started to act and talk more and more like H those days. He uses curse words and always seems angry now.
************
That night, H enters the room so brusquely that Dean startles where he's sitting on Daddy's lap.
"I've got the info, we've got to go," H announces, walking straight to the big black bag that Dean is strictly forbidden to touch.
He tried to take a peek inside once and Daddy got really really mad. Dean had to stand in the corner for a long time after.
H takes out a big knife that looks really cool, as well as a few other weapons.
Daddy pushes up from his chair. Instead of sliding from his lap, Dean wraps his arms around his neck, and Daddy puts him on his hip as he steps closer to H. "I've got to call Astrid to watch the kids, she's only a couple hours away, she c-"
"There's no time for that, we've got to go now!"
"I can't just leave my kids alone, H," Daddy protests, trying to put Dean down, only for the kid to squeeze harder with his arms and legs, not letting go.
"Jesus, John, stop fucking coddling them! The small one is sleeping and that one is big enough not to push his fingers in a light socket, he'll be fine."
"He's four years old!"
"And not as stupid as he looks from what you say. Just put him to bed or something, he won't even know the difference."
Dean scowls, he's been talking a little more recently, but not to H, never to H. "Don't go Daddy," he begs, pulling his chin on his father's shoulder. He sends a quick glare to H. Dean may not talk, but he's not deaf.
"This is your chance to stop the monster that came after your family. You need to make a choice, John. You need to stop coddling them and start to really protect them."
Daddy's hand has been in Dean's hair, fingers passing through his blond strands. Now it slides to his shoulder, pulling until Dean leans back and looks up at his daddy's face. "If Sammy wakes up, you know what to do, right?"
"Cuddle, bib or butt check," Dean says proudly, giggling at the last part like he always does. Daddy has been teaching him to take good care of Sammy, and Dean has been doing his best.
"And if that doesn't work?"
"Try again."
"And if that doesn't work?"
"Ask Daddy," Dean says with a giggle, grabbing his father's ears and gently bumping their noses together.
"Good job, buddy," Daddy says, bumping his nose back against Dean's. "Come on, go brush your teeth and pee, it's time for bed."
Daddy deposits him on the ground and Dean hesitates. Does that mean Daddy is leaving?
"Daddy…" Dean whines, looking at H and the big pile of weapons worrily.
Daddy crouches, taking his hand to make him turn toward him. "Are you a big boy, Dean?"
"Yes!"
"Can you protect Sammy?"
"Yes!"
"Then Daddy needs you to step up, buddy. I have a very important job to do. Can I count on you to watch out for Sammy while I'm gone?"
Dean chews on his bottom lip, "But Daddy…"
"You're allowed to say no, Dean. I need to be sure you're brave enough to protect your brother."
"I'm brave!"
"Are you?"
"Yes!"
"Go on to the bathroom and right to bed then. I'll be back before you wake up, alright?"
Dean isn't asleep yet when Daddy and H leave. It only takes a couple of minutes of darkness and silence before he starts to get really scared and turn on the light again.
He slips out of bed and runs to the front door to try and follow Daddy. It's locked. He can't run after Daddy. He looks out the window, but the Impala isn't in the parking lot anymore.
Daddy's gone.
Dean climbs into Sammy's crib and curls up around his baby brother.
Brave little boys don't cry. Dean is brave, he is . He'll protect Sammy.
************
Sometimes H disappears for days. Dean is glad when he does, but Daddy always paces a lot and drinks even more when that happens, like he doesn't know what to do when he's not out there with H.
************
Another night, another motel, another couple months later, Dean has been asleep for a few hours when baby Sammy starts crying.
They've been sharing one big room with Daddy for five months now, so Dean is used to it. He wakes and waits for a little while. Most times, Daddy takes care of Sammy when that happens, but sometimes (more and more often), Sammy's cries don't wake him anymore. At first, Dean used to wake Daddy up when that happened, but now that Daddy taught him what to do, he doesn't need Daddy all the time. He's a big boy, he can take care of Sammy!
From where Dean is curled up, he can see Daddy sleeping in the other bed. He's still half-sitting with his head against the headboard, muted tv lighting up the room in blue shadows. There's a few brown bottles on the bed next to him, one squeezed against his chest as he's snoring lightly with his head thrown back and mouth opened.
John doesn't even flinch when Sammy starts screaming louder.
Dean wriggles out from under a pile of blankets that smells like dust and cigaret's smoke. He walks on his bed until he reaches the edge of Sam's crib that's right against it.
"Hey, Sammy," Dean whispers.
His baby brother starts wriggling nervously, extending his little arms to him as he keeps wailing. Dean chews his lips nervously, not sure about what he should do. His arms are too small to carry Sammy out of the crib, but he's scared to wake Daddy and make him angry. He climbs over the edge of the crib instead, careful about Sammy as he lands on the small mattress next to him.
The few times Daddy has found him in Sammy's crib, he wasn't happy. He said Dean wasn't a baby anymore. Dean is not doing it for himself though, he's fine in the smelly bed. He does it for Sammy.
He lies next to his baby brother, one arm over his head as he gently rubs Sammy's stomach with the other, just like Mommy taught him when Sam was still just a tiny baby. It takes a few minutes before it works, Sammy's cries progressively calming. The baby observes Dean's face instead, blinking sleepy eyes at him.
"It's okay, Sammy," Dean whispers, feeling his own eyelids drop too. "You can sleep now, I'll watch over you."
Dean doesn't mean to fall asleep, he really doesn't, but it's the middle of the night and with Sammy's warmth against him he can't resist the lull of sleep.
He regrets it the next morning when he wakes up and Daddy is standing over the crib, looking at him with his big eyebrows frowning.
"What did I tell you before Dean?"
Sammy is already awake and wriggling happily against his chest, Dean can't help but squeeze him a little tighter, seeking comfort.
"Sammy was scared all alone in his bed," he defends, words buried in the top of his baby brother's head.
"Stop being such a sissy. He's big enough to sleep alone, and so are you."
************
Sometimes, Dean wakes to a cry at night and it's not Sammy. Sometimes, it's Daddy.
Sometimes Daddy is in his own bed with his back to them, sometimes he's curled up in a corner with a glass bottle hugged to his chest, and sometimes he's kneeling next to their bed, watching them.
He tries to be discreet at first, tells Dean to go back to sleep and looks ashamed that his son has seen him like that.
Other times he cries into Dean's hair and squeezes him so hard in his arms that Dean can barely breathe.
Dean likes it when John buries his nose in his blond hair, because it reminds Daddy of Mommy and sometimes he talks about her. It's the only time he ever talks about her. He tells Dean stories about how they met and their life together.
Sometimes Daddy grabs Dean's chin and looks at him and tells him how much he looks like his mother. Dean secretly loves it. He loves that he gets to keep that to himself. Even if that makes Daddy sad. Even if sometimes it makes Daddy really angry too.
************
Sammy is standing on his feet now. Dean is sitting on the ground a few feet from him, watching his little brother's legs wobble as he holds himself up by grasping the coffee table.
"Dee!"
"Sammy!" Dean calls excitedly.
They've been doing that back and forth for a few minutes, as he tries to convince Sammy to walk toward him. He's tried a few times, just to fall right back on his ass after the first step.
"Deeeeee." Sammy insists, extending his pudgy arm toward his big brother and getting frustrated when Dean doesn't come to him.
"You can do it, Sammy! Come on, come here!"
Sam bounces a few times on his legs, slapping the coffee table with his little fists and babbling incoherently. Finally, he turns back to Dean and tries to throw himself forward, arms extended toward him. Dean is out of reach, not fast enough to catch him and Sammy falls face first onto the carpet.
When he raises up his head, eyes screwed up and ready to wail, his tiny chin is bright red, chafed by the rough carpet. Dean is kneeling next to him in an instant.
"Mama!" Sam screams as his arms lock around Dean's neck and squeezes him, runny nose burying in the bend of his brother's neck. Dean falls back sitting with his baby brother in his laps, trying to shush him as Sammy wails and whines for his mother.
He screams harder when he's suddenly torn from Dean's comforting arms by bigger hands.
"What the hell happened, Dean? I told you to watch him!" Daddy chastises, bouncing Sam in his arms and checking him for injuries. He seems reassured when he finds nothing else that the small rug-burn, pressing his lips against the baby's forehead as he tries to shush him.
Dean watches, tears coming to his own eyes. He got really scared when he saw Sammy fall like that.
"I'm sorry, Daddy," he sniffs, lips pouting as he drops his gaze.
"Mamaaa," Sammy screams, wriggling in John's arms.
When Dean looks up, Sammy calls for Mama again, pushing Daddy away as his arms extend toward Dean.
H scoffs, "Told you you were turning him into a bitch."
************
They end up at Missouri's door a few days later. She has a pretty smile and colorful clothes. She calls him 'sweetie'. Dean likes her.
They're sitting in her living room. Sammy is on her lap. He seems to like her too.
Daddy and Missouri are talking, but Dean doesn't really listen. Adult talking is boring. Instead, he fixes the cookies on the coffee table, wondering if he's allowed to take one.
"It's alright, sweetie, you can take as many as you want," Missouri offers, handing the whole plate to him.
Dean hesitantly takes it, eyes huge in wonder as he sits back with the plate on his lap. He sends a careful look to his Daddy, checking that he's really allowed to eat all that . His Dad doesn't seem to care, eyes on Sammy.
"So you can't see anything wrong with him?"
"Sorry, John, babies aren't that easy to read. I mostly hear thoughts or ideas and, well," she points to Sammy who's chewing on her necklace.
Dean slowly approaches a cookie to his mouth, eyeing his Dad. He hasn't said Dean was allowed and Dean has learned the hard way that sometimes some orders are supposed to be implied. He puts the whole cookie in his mouth, afraid that the sweet deliciousness is going to be taken away from him. It's so good that it'll be worth his father's wrath.
Dean is engulfing his third cookie in about two minutes when Missouri lets out a loud laugh that startles him.
"Jesus, John, do you ever feed those kids?
Daddy turns to him like he's just remembered Dean is sitting next to him. Dean blinks up at him, mouth so full that he can't help spitting bits of cookie everywhere when he chews. Which he stops doing, waiting for his father's admonishment.
His eyes widen when instead of getting angry, John smiles and lets out a loud cackle. It makes Dean laugh too, spitting crumbs all over Missouri's pretty couch. It's been a long time since Daddy has laughed like that. It feels like a long time since Dean did too.
That night, Missouri cooks them dinner. There is so much food that Dean feels like his stomach is going to explode. He barely reaches the couch before he falls asleep.
He's not sure how long it's been when he feels arms lifting him. When he blinks up, he's in his father's arms, head on his shoulder. He thinks he should ask to get down, stand on his own feet because he's a big boy now. His father hasn't held him like that in weeks though, his hand rubbing Dean's back to incite him to sleep.
Dean only has time to think that this was the best day of his life before he falls right back asleep, little arms holding on to his Daddy's neck and nose buried against him.
When he wakes up the next morning, they're in the Impala and Sam isn't there anymore.
"He's gonna stay with Missouri for a little while," John explains as Dean struggles to breath, tears streaming down his face despite his daddy telling him to calm down. "He needs a maternal touch and we can't give him that."
"Is it because I let him fall?" Dean asks, sniffing. Sam still has a little scar on his chin because Dean wasn't careful enough.
"You're not his mom, Dean, you both need to understand that."
Dean doesn't understand it. Of course, he's not Sammy's mom. He knows that. He's just been trying to take good care of him, like Mommy used to do with him. Is that wrong? Did he do something wrong? Is he not good enough?
"I miss Sammy," he pouts.
Daddy rolls his eyes, "It's only been one night, Dean."
Dean wonders if that means Daddy doesn't miss Sammy too.
************
One day, while Sammy is still gone and Daddy is out hunting with H, Dean starts to feel really bad. He pukes all over his own shirt because he's feeling too weak to walk to the bathroom.
When Daddy comes back, Dean is curled up in a ball under a big pile of blankets. He's shaking like a leaf, cold down to his bones yet sweating a lot.
Daddy takes care of him. He changes his clothes and wipes his face with a wet towel. Dean tries to enjoy it because he likes it when Daddy takes care of him, but he feels so bad that all he can do is whimper and hold onto his cramping stomach.
Dean is awakened by loud voices a few hours later. His head is all cloudy and aching, but the voices make him anxious so he curls up into a tighter ball and peek at where Dad is standing with H.
"So what, you're going to let innocent people die because your brat has the flu? You need to set your priorities straight, man."
Dad gets all up in H's face, "They are straight."
"Yeah well, our lead on your wife's killer is waiting for us out there, so why the hell are we still here?"
Dad sends a look toward where Dean is shivering under his blankets.
"Priorities, Winchester. Your brat isn't gonna die because Daddy isn't here to wipe his ass, but other people might. Your wife did ."
Dad is so tense that his back looks like it's gonna snap, fists balled up at his side.
"Drop the little bitch, and let's go ," H incites, voice getting harder.
H's back is hitting the wall in the next second.
"Don't ever call him that again."
"Why not? That's what you've made him, having him play mother like that. You really think that'll turn him into a man? That'll just turn him into a goddamn fag!" H doesn't even flinch when Dad punches the wall just beside his head, denting the wall there. "You were the one that wanted to learn, Winchester. You were the one that begged for my help, but you know what?" H taunts, spitting right into dad's face, "I don't work with pussies." He pushes Daddy away with one hard shove. So hard that Daddy nearly falls. "Stay here then, play family and take care of your bitch while I am going out there and actually doing something useful."
Dad stands there for a long moment after H has been gone. His fists are still clenched as he looks at the ground like he's trying to stop himself from running after H. Like he's doubting that Dean's wellbeing is even worth staying here.
************
Sammy is gone for weeks. Sometimes they go to visit him. Not as much as Dean would like.
Without Sammy, they take the car a lot. Sometimes they're in the car for days. Sometimes they even spend nights in it. Daddy puts on the music very loud, nearly always the same cassette, and they sing along to the songs that Dean nearly knows by heart now. Daddy even teaches him to play air guitar!
Without Sammy, the nights are more scary, especially when Daddy leaves him alone. When he tells that to Daddy, he tells him that it's stupid because Dean is the one who is supposed to protect Sammy, not the other way around. He's right, it is stupid, because Sammy is too small to protect him anyway.
Dean still hides under his blankets, shaking at all the weird noises that happen at night in motels. Some are really, really scary.
One night, he makes a tantrum and cries until Daddy accepts to take Dean with him. That night, Dean discovers that it's even more scary where Daddy goes.
Dean has to stay in the car, alone in the dark. He hears shootings and screeching and all kinds of noises.
When Daddy comes back, he's not alone anymore. He's carrying a teenage girl that looks too pale and thin. He opens the backdoor and orders Dean to get in the front as he lays down the trembling girl in the backseat.
"Who's she?" Dean whispers as dad sits behind the wheel.
John points to the creepy house, then to the girl who has passed out.
"This," he explains, "Saving people, hunting things, that's the family business." He taps Dean's shoulder with a proud smile. He seems happy about what happened tonight. Dean didn't like it much.
Dean kneels with his elbows on the back of the seat and watches the girl as his father drives. She has bruises on her frail arms and under her closed eyes. Her hair looks dirty and she smells bad. Her lips are nearly white and cracked. Her nails are broken and caked with something brownish.
"Did you save her, Daddy?"
Dean tenses up when the girl opens her eyes. She's looking at him, yet it feels like there is no one behind her eyes, like when Sam fights against sleep sometimes and it feels like he's already asleep behind his eyes. Except it's not that scary when Sam does it.
"We're trying to, son."
His Dad parks in front of an old house.
"Go ring the door," his dad instructs as he gets out of the car to get the girl in the back.
Dean hesitates in front of the porch. There are old cars everywhere around the house and a couple of big dogs are barking at him from a pen to the side.
"Dean, hurry up!" Dad yells as he pulls the girl out.
Dean jumps and runs to the door. He hasn't even had time to ring the bell when the door suddenly opens, making him yelp. A man stands on the doorstep, scowling at him from under a dirty baseball cap.
"And who the hell are you supposed to be?" He barks, looking at Dean from head to toe.
Dean gulps, frozen under the sharp blue stare.
"Bobby!" Daddy calls. The girl's feet nearly slap Dean in the head as his father rushes into the house, carrying her.
Bobby and Dean both look after him, a little dazed.
"Well, you're gonna come inside or am I supposed to lock you up with the dogs?"
Dean gasps, terrified green eyes looking back to where the big dogs are still barking. Bobby seems to soften when he looks back at him. He puts a hand on Dean's shoulder with a reassuring smile.
"Just pulling your leash, kid. Come on, I think I've got some hot cocoa somewhere."
Dean sits at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa as screams and screeches come from the living room. He's not allowed to go in there. He's not sure he would be capable of or even want to anyway.
He's holding onto his cup so hard, tetanized, that he doesn't even feel it when his tremble makes some of it slush over the edge and onto his fingers.
When they re-emerge from the living room, the girl is still there (which Dean is surprised about because she sounded like she was dying in there). She looks… better. Her skin is nearly a normal color, her lips pink and there is finally someone behind her eyes.
"She's saved," Dean gasps, amazed.
She smiles shyly at him and he can't help but grin back.
His Daddy is a superhero!
************
While Daddy drives the girl home, Dean stays alone with Bobby. Dean's not sure if he likes Bobby. Sometimes he's normal, sometimes he's very rude and sometimes he's so kind that Dean isn't sure what to make of it.
Bobby digs up some toys from who knows where, and Dean looks at them in amazement, too impressed to touch. There are a lot. A whole chest. Even more than Sammy has!
"Well, you're just going to look at them all day? Or you wanna play?"
Dean blinks at him as Bobby gets a board game out and starts installing it on the kitchen table.
"With you?"
"No, with the Queen of England."
Dean frowns, he's not sure who that is. Aren't queens only in fairy tales and generally mean?
"Sit your idjit ass down," Bobby orders, rolling his eyes.
************
Dean is curled up on Bobby's couch, hiding under a pile of blankets. Bobby's house is old and clustered, there are all kinds of scary noises and shadows. It's their first night here. Bobby and Daddy are sleeping in bedrooms on the second floor, Dean is alone on the first floor.
Dean wants his Daddy, but he doesn't know where he is and he doesn't want to get lost in that big house.
He wants to go back to the motel, to his Daddy sleeping on the bed next to him, and Sammy in his crib right next to Dean's bed. In here he can't see anyone in the dark, can't hear their breaths or feel their presence. He doesn't like being alone. He doesn't like it when Daddy leaves him in the motel and he doesn't like it here.
He tries to be brave like Daddy asked him to, to close his eyes and fall asleep. Every time he opens them he can see the red paint on the wood floor, the candle and bowls that smell weird, and he remembers how that girl screamed right here. When he closes them, he sees her lying on the backseat of the Impala, looking straight at him with empty eyes.
What if she comes back and takes the light from Dean's eyes too?
Dean starts to sob under his blanket.
There is a noise, like a big bird taking flight. Dean feels like something is watching him, but he doesn't dare take a peek, curling tighter under his blankets. There is that noise again, then some noise coming from upstairs.
Dean jumps when he hears the steps cracks, steps coming closer. She's coming back, he thinks, she's going to make his eyes go all empty.
Dean yelps when something touches his blanket covered shoulder. He squeezes into a smaller ball, sobbing harder. Two strong arms lift him and he's too scared to fight back. There is warmth against him all of a sudden, and it's only when he shakily breathes in that he recognizes the familiar smell of his daddy. He had screwed his eyes shut, but it makes him brave enough to peek. He cries a little harder, relief flooding him when he sees his dad's face.
"You're okay, buddy?" His dad asks softly, his big hand pushing Dean's hair away from his face.
"I don't want the scary lady to take my eyes," Dean cries, clinging to his dad as hard as he can. He buries his face into his dad's shoulder, getting snot all over his shirt like Sam always does to him. Dean doesn't care when Sammy does it, it's disgusting, but it makes Sam feel better so it's okay. He hopes his daddy will think it's okay too and won't get mad. "I want Sammy," Dean sniffs."Is Sammy going to stay gone like Mommy?"
His Daddy tenses up against him, just for an instant before he buries his nose into Dean's hair. He tells him that Sammy is okay and that they're going to see him soon. Dean is not sure how long soon is but it's already too long and Dean doesn't want to wait.
"I want to see Sammy now," he whines.
************
The next morning he's sitting with blankets piled on his legs as he watches cartoons on the TV. Daddy and Bobby are in the kitchen. Dean doesn't pay them any mind until he hears his name being pronounced.
"Of course, he's too young to hunt, you idjit," Bobby answers to whatever his daddy said about Dean. "He's what, four years old?"
A pause answers him, before his daddy swears, "Shit, five now, I forgot his goddamn birthday."
"Real father of the year here."
"Shut the fuck up, Bobby, you don't know how it is! I'm doing the best I can here. What am I supposed to do, give up on finding what killed Mary?"
Mary was Dean's mom, he knows that. His Daddy sounds really angry now…yet again he always is when he talks about Mommy.
"You're gonna have to give up on something, John. You can't do both."
There's a clash, like something has broken and Dean hugs the blanket to his chest, getting nervous.
"You're telling me I should abandon my kids? Is that your solution?"
Dean gasps. He knows what 'abandon' means. It means never coming back. He doesn't want daddy to never come back.
He's on his feet and clinging to his father's legs in an instant. "Don't go, Daddy, please," he cries.
Both men stay silent, looking shocked like they had forgotten that Dean could hear them. Daddy crouches until Dean can bury into his chest. He reassures him until Dean calms down.
The sound of Dean's sobs has just been replaced by silence when Bobby speaks again, stern, "You're going to have to choose."
There is a tension in the air that makes Dean anxious as both adults glare at each other. Finally, John detaches Dean's arms from where they're been tied around his neck and gets up.
"I won't need to," he declares, patting Dean's head, "I've got my best little guy here to take good care of Sammy while I take care of business, right Dean?"
"Yes!" Dean says, jumping excitedly at the idea of seeing Sammy again.
"Really? I can count on you to be brave and protect your brother?" Daddy asks as Dean nods along. "You can't be scared like a little girl when you're alone with Sammy, you have to man up and protect him, alright?"
"Yes, Daddy," Dean promises, chest puffing up. "I'm not a little girl, I won't get scared!"
************
They leave Bobby's house after lunch. They're going to get Sammy back! Dean is so excited that he can't keep in place in the car. It annoys Daddy, but when they stop for dinner Daddy buys him a bacon cheeseburger and a gigantic portion of pie. He tells him happy birthday and that he's five now.
Dean had no idea it was his birthday. He never had a birthday in the summer before, but he thinks it's awesome. He eats so much that he passes out in the car right after.
When he wakes up the next morning, he recognizes the bedroom at Missouri's house. Sam's crib is right next to his bed and Dean climbs up into it even though it's not allowed.
Baby Sammy is awake and babbling. Dean hugs him tight to his chest and kisses him all over his face, making the one year old giggle endlessly.
"I'm never leaving you again, Sammy. We'll stay together forever."
************
Dean tries to toughen up after that, to become strong and brave enough to protect Sammy so Dad doesn't have to send him away again.
He tries not to get scared so much, he really does, but sometimes it's not easy because some of the places Daddy brings them to are really, really scary…but Dean is a big boy now so he learns to hold back his tears and "stop whining like a bitch" as Dad once said when he had drunk too much alcohol.
He can't quite hold back his tears every time. Sometimes there are still one or two falling from his eyes. He's getting better though. Sometimes, if he wipes them fast enough, Dad doesn't even notice.