Chapter Text
“I can hear it at last. See it at last. How all the creatures on this plane are begging to serve. How to call upon them. Scurrying rats in their safe houses, rats below in their filthy holes, the crows in the night above… they will obey. In you too, I can tell… your breath races. You hold your breath while I speak. You await my command. The world will stir in fear.”
No…
“I hear the world in sweet surrender… and I feel
alive.
”
The moment your heart broke and your world collapsed.
____
You awoke to your own heavy breathing. Hyperventilation . This is not the first since you defeated the Netherbrain about a tenday ago; every day you dreamed of him, and dealt with the panic that followed.
You close your eyes and focus on your breathing. In and out . It should be so simple, yet you fail to recover to a normal pace, tongue numb from lack of air. You walk outside of your room to find Shadowheart reading on a bench in the corridor. You frown, knowing that you wish to request her healing once again. You are desperately afraid to be a burden right now.
Pale, lightheaded and shaking, Shadowheart immediately recognizes what is going on. She casts the same magic that eased your symptoms last time. You anxiously await a lecture, a snide remark; anything. The distraction would probably prove to be better than sitting with your own thoughts, something you have made a habit as of late.
“Tav,” Shadowheart starts, with concern in her voice. “We need to do something about this. I can keep your symptoms at ease with my healing, but you look awful. I know you feel awful. As a friend, I can’t take the sight of you so upset. I can’t handle you refusing to leave your room… to barely eat. Please. At least leave the house with me for a bit,” she pleaded with sincerity.
Shadowheart meant well. You were beyond grateful to have made a friend so sincere and patient. But here I am, feeling like a burden again , you thought. “I am sorry. I haven’t been myself. When I think it’ll get better, I keep having dreams about that day, and how it could have gone… had I not been so thoughtless.” Not only thoughtless, but cruel, you think to yourself.
“I understand. I can’t help but also feel like I also created what he is now. I can’t imagine how you feel, watching him turn into someone else. But we did what we thought was best… it was foolish. We sacrificed so much for that outcome as well…” her voice trails off with a certain sadness to it.
You can’t help but feel tears streaking down your visage. This has been so frequent that you were surprised that you could even cry. You can’t even speak. What could you even say? You have dwelled on the situation for so long; nothing will absolve you of sin other than the heartbreak that is crushing your chest.
Shadowheart smiles trying to lighten the mood. “Halsin is making breakfast. You haven’t been eating much, but I think you should try it. Turns out he’s not just nice to look at, but really good at cooking. Please, eat.”
You nod, choking back a sob. You try your best to pull yourself together before heading downstairs. Shadowheart and Halsin have been your roommates since the Netherbrain was defeated. Wyll had his place in the Ravengard family, and Jaheira had her own home and family to stay with. That left the three of you placed in a cozy two-story home that the city had gifted its’ heroes. It was spacious, with even a few extra rooms, so it was a perfect respite in the city after your time adventuring. Gale would eventually make his way there as well, after he tended to some loose ends in Waterdeep. Lae'zel had to deal with the war against Vlaakith before she chose to settle down in any single place, but you were told she would reach out frequently, careful not to sever the meaningful bond between you all.
You make your way down the stairs. Surely, your hair was a mess and you knew you probably looked sleep-deprived and gaunt. You couldn’t bring yourself to look in a mirror, or to care. Nothing mattered more than the weight in your chest. It was difficult to think of little else. Halsin looks up from the dining table where he is now sitting with Shadowheart. “There you are,” he says with a smile.
You loved them both. Their genuine concern for you had made your struggle with loss a little easier. They cared for you so deeply, despite your short time together. You hoped one day you could return the favor when you weren’t a shell of your former self.
“I made breakfast. Shadowheart says you haven’t been eating very much. I am really concerned about you.” You find it difficult to put aside the guilt of worrying them. If it were you alone, you’d simply wallow in misery… probably forever, at this rate. Being around them motivated you to be better for their sake, at least.
“Thank you, Halsin,” you finally get out words, now that you are more composed. “I will start eating again, I just feel so sick lately.” It was true, anxiety had that effect on you. It didn't mean you hadn't noticed the shedding weight and the weakness in your body. Eventually, your body gives way, and a meal appears appealing for the first time in days. You quickly find that you could get lost in Halsin's cooking, a healthy soup seasoned to perfection. You could almost swear it has healing qualities, but your body is probably just long overdue for something like this.
“I know I am no Gale, but hopefully you like it enough to get through the bowl, at least,” Halsin jokes, with maybe a slight hint of genuine concern.
“Don't undersell yourself, this is fantastic,” you reply truthfully.
“While I am more than happy to take a compliment, I'd rather we discuss you. Shadowheart and I think maybe we need to drag you outside and go somewhere. You will never get better if you lock yourself inside all day. You need a distraction.”
“You're right, maybe that’s for the best. I don’t want to rely on you guys forever. I need some type of normality again.” You knew this was true, but the thought of going outside seemed to weigh heavily on you. What if you saw him ? “I only fear that I might have to confront my problems.”
Shadowheart frowns. “I know… he is definitely around. He took over Cazador's palace and wealth. People are talking about it. Despite his current… status, I haven't personally seen him, though.” Shadowheart appears to understand your need for concern, and perhaps shares it herself. “If we are to live in Baldur's Gate, that eventually happening can’t be helped.”
“We could always make camp again, like old times,” Halsin suggests. Shadowheart doesn't look thrilled, and you were too excited to be back in civilization to leave now. The thought of being on the road again feels nauseating after sleeping in a soft bed and enjoying the luxuries in life.
“That’s okay, Halsin,” you say. “I can't run from my problems forever. He still… might want me. I will have to deal with that.”
“You have given your answer,” Halsin says. “You told him no… I would hope he would respect that like you respected his wishes.”
“I know Astarion would, but I don't know this… Vampire Ascendant. He scares me.”
“We have to hope there are pieces of him deep down, I suppose,” Halsin says. “But be careful, please. I would hate to see you hurt.”
—-
You bring yourself to draw a bath and get dressed. How long had it been since you took care of yourself? Every day had been consumed by living that day over and over again. The day everything about Astarion changed, and your lover was no more. The night he offered to turn you. The rejection that was so hard to choke out. The yelling that followed. Blood that hit the floor.
You look in the mirror. You really do look horrible. Your cheekbones are pronounced as your face begins to lose the fullness that you thought made you look cute. Underneath your eyes are dark circles, contrasted with an unusually pale complexion. You think the image you see is the embodies your mental state perfectly.
You make your way downstairs to meet with your companions when you hear arguing at the door. “You cannot see her. She gave you your answer,” Shadowheart says with daggers in her voice.
Before you hear the response, you see a figure in the door that makes your heart drop. Astarion .
You can’t help but fixate on his beauty, glowing in the sun. His hair shines in perfect silver curls, and his eyes are like rubies, piercing and mesmerizing as ever. He is perfection. He is dangerous . Finally his intense gaze meets yours. Your heart must have skipped a beat. You are still painfully his.
“There you are, little love,” he says. You are nauseated hearing a pet name from those lips. Anyone but him . “I was quite offended, you know.” He gives a pout, with the innocent eyes of a puppy. “I was hoping that it wouldn’t take you an entire tenday to give me the time of day. I was really looking forward to you begging for forgiveness.”
“My forgiveness ?” You are appalled at the suggestion. “For what? For leaving you?”
“Why yes, dear. That is obviously the biggest mistake of your life.” Astarion lets out a small sigh. “I am willing to make amends, though. I missed having you around, my pet.”
Shadowheart rolls her eyes. “You are disgusting. Why don’t you listen before I throw holy water at you.”
Astarion meets her threat with another eye roll. “As fun as that sounds, I was not talking to you , dear.” He fixes his gaze back on you. “We are long overdue for a conversation, my sweet. Can you lend me your ear for just a bit? I wouldn’t say no to that pretty little neck either.” He smiled.
“Do not go near her neck.” Astarion ignores Shadowheart’s reply and fixes his stare onto you.
“ Fine . Just talking, though. I will hear what you have to say.” You reply, trying your best to sound cold.
“Lovely. Let’s talk somewhere more private .” Shadowheart immediately gets defensive, and you wave your hand at her, letting her know it's okay. She wants to say something, but relents.
You two walk to your room. You are embarrassed that Astarion is seeing you like this. You are so weak, and he will know it, surely. Maybe he can even smell it. You have no idea what he is capable of anymore. You are more afraid of him sensing how scared you are to have this conversation.
“Darling, you look awful , I must say.” He remarks.
“Thanks for the kind words,” you reply. You sound too hurt for it to come off as you implied.
“I hope they are feeding you around here. I do not want my love to suffer so.”
“Shadowheart and Halsin are exactly who I need around right now. They have been caring for me. I've just been… sick.”
“Torn up over your decision, are you? I’d be regretting it too. Without me , what are you, really? You could’ve had it all.”
“I think I am just missing a different Astarion.” He curled his lip in digust at your remark.
“The old Astarion? What could you possibly need him for? He was doomed to a life of victimhood, cowering at the sun. A slave to hunger. I don't know what you saw in him, really.”
“What did you come here for? Was it to change my mind?”
“Why, of course not, dear. I am sure you will come to your senses on your own. I simply have… a request.” Your head tilts slightly. You are surprised he does not protest more, but are grateful that the pressure is limited to his remarks.
“Well, what then?” you ask.
“I am in need of… blood.” Your eyes widen slightly, trying to process the audacity of that request. “You see… I thought when I ascended I would just eat normal food again, like I used to. It seems there is a… transition period. I have spent so much time drinking blood that my body can't… accommodate enough food to satiate me. Not yet, anyway.”
“You can't hunt your own food for now?” Astarion raised his brows as if you said something offensive.
“I am working on procuring it now. It will simply not do to have someone of my stature eating the townspeople, and I am surely not going back to a rat diet.”
“So you have come to me to request a bite? And you thought I'd say yes?”
“Well… you have been so generous in the past. I only ask for a nibble. Enough to satiate me… until my supplier delivers,” he says. “What do you say, dear? I would hate to feed on the citizens of Baldur's Gate.” You stare at him in conflict. He probably would suck some citizen dry if left without blood. You weigh your options. This man has been the cause of your internal strife for the last few days. He's a danger to others. He can't be trusted.
He also just wants to bite me. Maybe that is the easiest way to get him to leave.
You remember the times you have let him feed on you before. A strange mix of pain and euphoria. Most of the experiences were so intimate that you both got carried away. You did not want to be in that position with Astarion. Yet…
“Fine. But then leave.”
“How delightful. Please , find a comfortable spot then, and we will begin.” Cautiously, you make your way to a chair and sit awkwardly upright. You could not relax. Perhaps it was that you did not want to relax in the vampire's presence. “Oh, darling. You usually lay down for this. Why don't you? It'll be much more comfortable.”
This was your typical routine. But it's probably not the comfort he cares about. In this position, he cannot completely overbear you. You feel safer with your feet on the ground, at least. Hopefully like this, the experience will feel less overbearing. “This is where I want to be,” you assure him.
“When did you become such a bore? Have it your way then.” The pale elf made his way over to your chair, inching over with a slight sway of his hip. He straddles your leg, seating himself slightly on your lap so he was in a comfortable position to begin feeding. Except… he doesn't. He searches for the ideal spot, gliding a fang along your neck. You feel his breath on your skin, cold as ice. Something about it gives you goosebumps, and you can hardly focus on anything other than the little breaths, the graze of the fang. A small hum comes from his lips as he ponders what to do.
He is playing a game.
“Surely, you don’t need to take your time like this,” you mutter, embarrassed. He kisses the crook between your neck and shoulder, and begins lining your neck with more kisses, until he makes his way up to your ear. He whispers, so soft you shiver.
“Darling, I just can’t help but notice you seem to be enjoying this. It doesn’t have to be so… impersonal. ”
Your face is practically on fire as you realize you have been lost in his touch, his movements, his breath, his smell…
Gods.
“I wonder if I were to bite you now, what sweet arousal would I find in that blood of yours?”
Don't do that.
“Should we test it out?”
No.
He removes his lips from your ear to run his tongue along your neck. He suddenly sinks his teeth into you without warning, like icy knives in your flesh. The sensation dulls, making its way to a warm, blissful feeling that was all too familiar. When you traveled together, this was how Astarion fed every night. Except…
The moan comes from your lips before you have enough control to stop it.
Astarion is lost in your neck. He can't make any remarks about your body's involuntary reaction, but he does move a hand down to your thigh. Slowly, he brushes his fingers along, making his way to your inner thigh. The lightest of touches drives you mad, and you are utterly helpless. You give up your internal fight for a moment of pleasure.
Astarion reaches a hand down your pants and runs a finger over your underwear. He circles his fingers over your clit, fingers pressed expertly through your underwear. The building sensation between your legs renders you speechless, focused only on chasing the familiar, deadly high. Lightheaded from blood loss, you can only seem to melt into the chair and you feel him grind slightly on your thigh.
It was a bad idea to let him sit there.
This whole thing was a bad idea, but logic was lost to you now. The vampire finally pries his lips from your neck, lapping blood off his lip with his tongue.
Gods. You hated how beautiful he was. He was like a marble statue sculpted to ruin you.
“ Delicious,” he says, finger still circling your clit. The pressure was building, and you could not take much more of the light touches. You wanted more. You needed him . Astarion removes the pressure altogether, plunging one finger beneath your underwear before running it between your folds. You must have been obscenely wet by now. “Oh, you were enjoying yourself. But darling, this is what you wanted all along, wasn't it? You can still have it all… it's not too late.”
He pushes one finger into you, pumping it slowly, shallowly... teasingly. You are driven insane by the restraint he is showing. Amused by the torture he was inflicting, Astarion grins. He leans forward, kissing you now, filling your mouth with the coppery taste of your blood. Something about this was always so erotic to you. The kissing becomes quicker, more primal, as you feel Astarion's cock hardening against your leg while he grinds your thigh.
But he stops.
“You are divine . But I can't simply give you what you want here . If you want more, I think you know exactly where to find me.”
“Astarion–”
“Quiet now, little pet. I want you just as much, love. But you can’t just have me today. I think you know I want eternity.”
“I don't think that's a good idea–”
“Shh,” he whispered. “I know you'll have an answer soon enough.” Astarion gets up, and wipes his mouth with a handkerchief in his pocket. Like that, he is walking out the door, leaving you soaked and embarrassed.
Fuck.
Shadowheart walks through the doorway and looks at you wide-eyed. “Gods. I shouldn't have left you alone with him.” She scowls, looking at the sorry sight of your neck and your disheveled appearance. “I'll kill him.”
“Shadowheart, no…” you plead. “I should have known better. I can’t run from him. He is still the only thing I want. I think I had to realize that--"
“Tav! He can't even love you like this!” This sets you off. Tears stream down your face once more.
“I am trying to tell myself that, but I can't let him go… I can't do this without him.”
Shadowheart gives up. She is fighting an inevitable battle, and just sighs. She casts lesser restoration to help you with your current predicament. “As much as I don't mind helping, please take care of yourself. Please put yourself before him.”
You nod.
But for some reason, your heart aches knowing you won't.