Archive of Our Own

This story is a timestamp to my werewolf fic A Primal Right which can be found here on LJ and here on AO3. It takes place before A Primal Right and if you’re the happily ever after kinda person I recommend you read or re-read it after reading this fic ;) This fic is written for tjrbigbang and a huge thank you! goes out to the wonderful mods. I loved being a part of this.

AO3 was being stupid and wouldn't let me put all the gorgeous art made for this fic in here. Please follow the link to the art master post  here and go show michira_70 some love!! She so, so deserves it. :D

 

Something changed a week ago today. I felt it in my bones, in my heart, and my wolf was hurting in a way it hadn’t in almost two years.

I felt his bubbly excitement, his worrying. His god damned stubbornness. His emotions so much more forceful than I expected but with the full moon in a week and his mating ceremony just around the corner, maybe I should have seen it coming.

I just never thought Mia would tip his world like this and it’s causing havoc in mine, crushing my heart all over again. Through all our years together I never once got the vibe that he wanted her like that. Much can change in a couple of years but wanting anything like this, lusting like this? I have a hard time believing it. I’ll admit that perhaps if I hadn’t spent two years hoping he’d come to his senses and ask me to come home, home to him, I’d probably be better suited for the phone call I’m getting right now.

I look at the phone number, chills running down my spine. There’s only one reason for this call. Two years have passed since I packed up my things and got the hell out of Dodge. I left him behind, l left my pack behind. I could have broken the pack bond by joining another one but the thought was too painful, still is, to do that. I promised him I’d always be there but instead I hover around the edges. Far away enough to never cross paths with the pack but near enough to feel him. I know they miss me as badly as I miss them. I know he misses me. That I hurt him, deeply, by leaving. None of it makes it better.

I’ve closed myself of from their telepathy, they can’t hear me if I don’t want them to but not one wolf has shut me out. That means I can’t really hear any of them, aside from my alpha, her I can’t ignore even if I wanted, but I can feel their emotions just fine. I filter them out, most of them, it hurts too much, but never Tommy. I should do that. He’s the reason I left. I couldn’t stay there, sharing the same air, the same habitat as him when I couldn’t be with him. I’ve been trying to move on but I can’t. I can’t let him go.

Frozen, I stare at the phone unable to answer and face the heat. Dia’s frustrated thoughts hit me with full alpha force. Pick up Trent, we need you, Tommy needs you. Pick up, pick up. Pick UP.

On its own accord my thumb hits the key and I answer her with a polite voice. “Hi Dia. It’s me.”

Her voice is warm and surrounds me instantly, determinedly pulling me into a nostalgic mood. I’ve missed her. I truly have. “Trent! Damn it’s good to hear your voice boy! How are you?”

“Fine.” I’m flat out lying but I’m doing it for a good cause, obviously her call involves Tommy and I don’t want her to worry about me. Unless Tommy or my mom told her why I left, and I highly doubt that, she’s clueless as to why I packed my stuff and left them. I wonder briefly if she’s calling because of the massive amount of worrying Tommy’s been doing over the last week. My heart races at the thought of him being in some kind of danger and my wolf seems just as uneasy. “I trust the same is the case at home?” I ask, pretending to be further away than what I am. I honestly don’t know if it works.

“I’m glad to hear that. We’re all good. Well, we will be. I need you to come home.” Only a were would hear that underlying tone. She isn’t really asking me but she didn’t order me either and I really, really need to know what this is all about before I come willingly.

“Dia.”

By the persuasive way her voice drops I realize she doesn’t want to demand my return, yet. “Just for a couple of hours. I… You know Tommy was supposed to mate with Mia soon?”

I swallow, pushing the image of the supposedly happy couple out of my mind. I try my best to keep my voice neutral. “Yeah, next full moon, I’m aware of that.”

“The thing is… last week Tommy imprinted on someone.” My mind goes blank right before it goes fucking hell, that’s why. He fucking imprinted. I’m so fucking screwed. Finding the closest chair and sinking down on it I let Dia keep talking into my ear without interrupting her. “I’ve never seen Tommy so completely lost before. It’s rather adorable but not without obstacles.  So I need you to come home and accept this new addition to our pack.”

Still no demand in her tone, but we’re getting there, I can feel it; my wolf is already getting restless, wanting to please his alpha.

Ironically my mouth decides to start talking without permission. “Obstacles? What kind I mean, if he imprinted it can’t really be easier, can it? Pack law says no wolf is denied his or her destined mate.” Silently, I kick my own ass and damn my lack of brain to mouth filter.

“I know but he imprinted on a human. And it’s even more complicated than that. Which means Tommy needs to be freed of his obligations to Mia if he’s gonna have a happy life with his man. So I need the whole pack to welcome this sweet boy. Please be here tomorrow.”

“Human?” I ask gasping. Now I understand some of his worries but then the rest of what she said hits me full force. “Tommy imprinted on a guy?”

Dia laughs gently. “Don’t sound so surprised Mother Nature knows better than the rest of us combined. Come home, we all miss you. I know Tommy does.”

“If you say so.” I say, defeated and broken hearted. A fucking guy!

“I do, be here tomorrow.” Yeah and there was the demand. Fucking alpha voice and my fucking stupid wolf wanting to follow it to the end of the world.

“Sure.”

“I can’t wait to see you! Bye Trent.”

“See you tomorrow.” I add and end the call.

Seems like I’m going home.

As I look around the room and think about what I should pack, my mind drifts back to Tommy, how things were when we were growing up and exactly why I ended up leaving him and my pack behind. Unrequited love sucks I’d learned that first hand, the hard way.

Tommy and I were born into the same pack with only two months between us. Maybe it was because it was convenient, maybe not, but we grew up being inseparable. Best friends. I don’t have many childhood memories worth paying attention to that he isn’t a part of. He’s hard to love but more importantly he’s impossible not to. He’s the fucking master of complicating things and he never ever wants to.

The first time I consciously thought about Tommy being something special was at a full moon night. I think we must have been seven years old. Tommy, in his wolf form, had me by the throat, playfully growling, before he released his grip and took off in a sprint, heading for the forest, with impressive speed. The thought is fleeting and forgotten the next second when I rolled over and jumped up, giving chase the way I knew Tommy wanted me to.

The thought returned later in the wee hours of the morning after the joyful night spent in wolf form with my best friend. It popped into my head again when Mom threw me into the shower, telling me to find a clean boy underneath all that mud and bits of leaves again.

It wasn’t until later, when I was in my PJs, tired to the bone and with Mom sitting on the edge of my bed, I finally asked. “Mom, why does Tommy always win? Every time I think I’m gonna win, my wolf surrenders on its own.”

“I know Trent. Tommy is born to be our pack leader.” She told me. “To be an Alpha. And since you’re his age he already holds alpha powers over you. The older he gets the more influential his alpha becomes. Even I will submit to him before he comes of age.”

“Oh, so he’s like Ron?” I asked, putting my new information together. It made perfect sense to me.

“Exactly. One day he’ll mate with Mia and bring our packs together.” My mom said and bent down to kiss me on my cheek. I pointedly wiped my skin, glaring at her. But then her words sunk in.

“Mate? With Mia?!”

“Unless he imprints on another wolf of course. None of us will ever stand in the way of that.”

“Okay. Good night Mom.” I said and closed my eyes. Truth be told I hadn’t given mating much thought, like ever, at that age. But I swear even then I couldn’t find anything appealing about that idea. As a kid Mia was cool and with her being three years older and like Tommy, alpha born, she was someone to look up to. She was also very much a girl. I still cringe at the mere thought. And to say I’d made peace with the thought of their mating would be a lie of epic proportions, but there was nothing I could do about it so I left. Seems unbelievably unfair that their mating isn’t going to happen after all and that Tommy’s wolf picked a male mate.

After that talk with mom I never questioned Tommy’s authority, no wolf, my age or younger would. But from time to time it pissed me off that my wolf instantly wanted to roll over and show its belly whenever Tommy wanted it to. Not that Tommy ever seemed to realize what he did to me or to my wolf. Which was kind of odd because once I had talked to Mom, I started to pay attention to how the other wolves were around Tommy and often wondered how he couldn't see that they treated him as something special. Not better than the rest of us cubs, but still with more attention to his words, his actions.

But Tommy never mentioned it and as long he wasn’t an ass about it I wasn’t going to bother bringing it up. Our time together was too precious and there was more important stuff to do than talk pack politics. Wrestling or hunting rabbits as wolves or teasing the girls in our human forms were some of them. More than once I think we caused our parents more trouble than was strictly necessary.  But, I guess boys will boys.

The fall we turned fourteen was when things changed. More often than not Mia seemed to be included in our time together. It didn’t matter that I was older and had a better understanding of the appeal of having girls around. To me, it was still gross to think about Tommy and Mia mating. It didn’t make things one inch better that Mia only seemed to notice Tommy when they were together. It made me feel like a third wheel and Tommy was supposed to be my best friend. That fall I learned what jealousy was. Not the ‘I want what you’re playing with’ kind but the real green eyed monster that sucks out your happiness and makes you a miserable brat.

One day when I rolled my eyes and stood up to leave at the sight of Mia approaching, Tommy immediately picked up on my discontent.  "What's up with you?" His tone of voice and the look in his eyes were both telling me he was on to me and his patience was about to run out. I sniffed the air and his scent told me it was indeed time to fess up. He practically reeked of Alpha mode and I still sincerely doubt he knew it.

My wolf knew and wanted nothing more than to please him but I had problems finding the words. “Nothing. It’s just…” I toed the ground before me with my sneakers. “It’s never just you and me anymore. She’s always here.”

Tommy frowned and I could smell his confusion. “She’s cool, though. Right?! I love the way her mind works and she’s fierce when she lets her wolf out.”

I nodded, what else was there to do. He was right, it was just so hard to see her through his eyes when all I wanted was to be alone with him, to have all of his attention. “Yeah. But I miss us just being guys… or wolves.” I muttered under my breath.

Tommy’s eyes shone and his laughter couldn’t have been further form mocking. “Yeah?  Wanna take me on for a wolf-wrestle, roll around in the dirt with me and blow off some steam later? Like old times?”

“Yes.” I nodded my head vigorously and I had no chance of holding back the huge grin on my face, even if I had wanted to.

Later that day Tommy sought me out in his wolf form. With a daring look in his eyes and playful growl he took off towards the woods. I changed immediately and ended up chasing Tommy’s wolf though the forest. I didn’t stand a chance of catching Tommy, not when he's in Alpha mode.  He’s small, much smaller than me and he turns freakishly fast. And he’s smart, cunning and so much stronger than anyone ever gives him credit for.

That day I knew without a doubt that Tommy let me catch him. It didn’t matter though. I jumped at the chance and tackled Tommy to the ground, using every little advantage my weight gave me. Tommy huffed out a groan when he went into the dirt. He spun around and immediately the air was filled with the sound of our gasping breaths, our teeth clacking against each other and biting and holding onto everything within reach, and our claws sinking into the forest floor tearing up the ground. Damn it felt good to be doing that.

Our playtime ended in a sunbeam where we collapsed into a small heap. Curled around each other, his white fur mixed with my grey and white. Tommy licked my ear and with his muzzle he nuzzled the thick scruff of fur on my neck. Then, right before he went to sleep and for the very first time, he said the words that changed my world. I love you, his copper colored eyes found mine when I my breath caught in my throat, too stunned to remember that whole breathing thing. Trent? You know that, right?!

Yeah, I know. I love you too.

A content sigh was huffed out against my fur and he buried his face into it. Best friends forever!

Forever! I promised, so fucking confused I had trouble knowing up from down.

Two years passed just like that. Our wolfish play changed after that afternoon. I became so much more focused on him and I was constantly watching my reactions to him, disguising my scents, whenever I felt off balance. But I wasn’t the only one changing.

During those years Tommy grew more serious. Quieter. At first I couldn’t put my finger on it but then I realized Tommy seemed to back off, be more careful, too. Not just around me, but all of us, even Mia. After a while it occurred to me that Tommy may have finally understood the raw power his wolf possessed because he took on a softer approach when he wanted something, always asking me if it was alright with me. If I were completely honest, it weirded the shit out of me.

An alpha was supposed to just take charge and Tommy wanted to discuss and debate everything. He wanted to see and hear every possible angle on a topic before making up his mind. It took me quite some time to adjust to this change in him but I loved it once I did. The awesome side to it was he was never shy with his feelings. We weres tend to let our body language do the talking. We’re affectionate and we touch, a lot. Touching means belonging and caring but Tommy never stopped there. It wasn’t like he said it constantly, it never felt obligatory or automatic. It felt right whenever you were the one hearing a ‘love you’ and you felt fucking special. Maybe that’s why I fell so hard. That and the way he saw the world.

There was one lazy afternoon in particular, we were lying in the sun in the middle of a clearing and gazing at the clouds together. His head was on my thighs and his fingers were laced together on his stomach. He looked comfortable and thoughtful.

He whispered, so quiet I thought it was his voice in my head at first. “I wish this wasn’t my life. I wish I wasn’t born like this.”

I pushed up onto my elbows and looked at him, trying to get that to make sense. “What? What are you talking about?”

“I don’t want to hold the power over anyone else. I just want everybody to be able to think for themselves and I want to be free to meet the love of my life. I want to imprint on some cute girl and have a real family within the pack. I want us, you, me and the pack to be equal.”

“But you’re born to be-”

“I know. I don’t have to love it though. Do I?”

When he returned my surprised stare he shrugged indifferently. His scent gave him away though and I could tell he was trying to play it off and hide his real emotions. Somehow that upset me more than his words. “You’re an ass, you know that right?! You are gonna be the leader of this pack one day. You’ll be the one everyone looks up to, admires and the one we all wanna be loved by. And you’re saying you don’t want that?”

With a sigh and sad eyes he stood and started to pace. “Basically, yeah. I believe that too much power corrupts. I believe we would be stronger if we all had a say. Our council is still stuck on old traditions and laws so ancient age alone should make them invalid. And that’s what’s in my future.” He stopped and pinned me to the forest floor with an hauntingly open look. “I might be an ass but I’d choose happiness over forcing laws I don’t believe in down the throat of a friend or family member any day.”

In an effort to let him know I understood his frustrations, I nodded. “Then don’t be the kind of alpha Darren is. Be like your dad, he asks the pack’s opinion on many things.”

Tommy sucked his lower lip into his mouth, caught it between his teeth and started chewing. It was a nervous tic, a tell that he was upset or feeling insecure. My wolf hated that even more than I did, so I stood to pull him into my arms. Tommy pressed his head into my shoulder and started talking. “He does. And he’s a great leader but he still makes decisions that have huge consequences for other people without taking into account how that person might feel. Like today, when he told me that he was done hearing me complain about my life being planned right down to who I’m gonna mate. 'Take it like a man, Tommy. Mia is a good, beautiful and clever girl, you could do worse'.” Tommy said bitterly in a mock imitation of Ron’s voice.

“You don’t wanna mate with Mia? But I thought…” I don’t know what I thought, we'd never touched this ground before and for some stupid reason I had figured that Tommy was okay with all of it. That somehow being born into it had to make it all okay. Obviously, I was wrong and I tightened my arms around him.

“I love her, she’s awesome. You know she is and she's a wonderful friend but I want the chance to find my own mate. I don’t know if I’ll fall in love with Mia but I want to be able to choose for myself if nature doesn’t do it for me. Yanno?”

“Yeah, I guess I thought Mia was spending so much time with us because… well, because you… does she know you feel like this?”

Tommy actually chuckled. “Who says she doesn’t feel the same way about me.”

He had a good point and I hummed in agreement. That caused him to look up.

“We’re sixteen. I don’t want to think of Mia, maybe if we weren’t promised to each other she’d be who I thought of when-” he shrugged and a cute blush heated his cheeks.

Slowly it dawned on me he was talking about jerking off. We shared a knowing look and I’m pretty sure I blushed just as hard as him when the image slammed through me and my body reacted. I let go of him slowly, trying not to be too obvious and just push him off me. Not being as stealthy as I wanted to I managed to get him to send me a curious gaze while he kept on elaborating. “And I wanna know what it feels like to kiss somebody, like for real, with you know… intent and I don’t wanna end up only ever getting to kiss her.”

“Oh. Who do you want to kiss?” I closed my eyes, how fucking stupid is one allowed to be, asking questions you do not want to know the answer to?

When I opened them again Tommy had his back to me. “Dunno…” he turned around and looked me right in the eyes. “Actually, that's not true. You know Lucy?”

It’s possible my jaw dropped open. “Yeah, but she’s human.”

 “So?”

I shrugged and he relaxed, a dreamy smile caressed his lips. “She’s so pretty and when she smiles.”

I rolled my eyes. “Human. Not pack or wolf. Human.”

That rubbed him the wrong way.  I got a pointed glare.

“Don’t be an ass. I know she doesn’t matter in regards to the pack, but humans aren't any less worthy than we are!”

I threw my hands up in surrender.  “That wasn’t what meant-”

His snort cut me short. “Not like it’s ever gonna happen though.”

He sounded like he was giving up on everything, like it was all too much for him.

“Why?” I asked softly and reached out for him, wanting to be close, to make him feel better. It helped because he sent me a coy smile and laughed.

“Because I haven’t ever kissed anyone and it’s not like I wanna make a fool out of myself.”

Laughing, I smacked a loud kiss to his mouth. “You kiss Mia and me all the time. I think Mike is perhaps the only one you don’t kiss? On the mouth anyway.”

Our wolves were never far from the surface and it always showed in the way we touched. Tommy rubbed his nose against mine before resting our foreheads together. “True. But I don’t kiss you like that.”

“It can’t be that different. Maybe you should just- go for it.” I drew back and winked at him, hiding my feelings behind a bit of humor.

He shrugged. “Yeah, maybe. It’s just… hard, you know?”

“Really?” I dragged the word out until the innuendo dripped from it.

That made him laugh, really laugh, all colorful and sparkly. “Oh my God, you know what I mean.”

“Yeah. I do.” I confessed.

“What about you? Have you met anyone you’d like-” he trailed off, looking at me expectantly.

“To kiss? Sure.” I admitted dancing dangerously close to the edge of a truth that could drive a wedge between us forever.

He practically lit up. “You have?! Tell me. Who is she?”

I didn’t even think before correcting him. “He. And he’s into girls so…” I didn’t try to mask my disappointment over that fact.

His eyes mirrored my feelings immediately and he brought his hands up to cradle my face gently. “That sucks. Sorry dude, that’s gotta hurt.”

“I’ll live.”

He nodded, and I knew he was using every trick in the wolf book to read me. “Obviously. And it’s not like he’s the only guy out there, right? At least you get to find that special someone on your own.”

“I know.” I said, knowing he had a good point and that I had to let go of the idea of the two of us together.

Obviously, I didn’t really succeed doing that. To my knowledge Tommy never got to kiss Lucy and his crush dissolved on its own pretty shortly after our heart to heart that day.

When Tommy turned seventeen we were closer than ever, it was always, and I do mean always, me that he came to when he needed space to be just Tommy.  We had so many conversations and shared so many big thoughts, we'd done a lot of growing up the previous year, especially Tommy. It was very clear his dad was preparing him for his role as alpha. He spent even more time with Mia and Mike talking about hopes and dreams for the future. Politics became something big to him, something that could change lives.

My heart swelled with pride when he told me about his ideas, his dreams for the new pack. But his seeming acceptance of his eventual mating with Mia was a constant thorn in my side, he never even thought about fighting it and it always hung over his dreams of the future like a black cloud.

I finally had to admit to myself that I didn’t just want to fool around with Tommy.  Nope, I realized I was in love with my best friend. The ‘he’s the only one and no one else is ever going to be a perfect as him’ kind of love.  It hurt like nothing else because it was painfully clear that Tommy was clueless and utterly disinterested.

When we got a visit from one of the other packs it took me all of about five minutes to see where his eyes went and the curious want anyone could see in them. She was a little older than us and even I could see Kimberly was gorgeous. Of course Tommy would be interested. She was from another pack and was supposed to stay with our pack for a few weeks. She actually lived with the Ratliff’s during that time.

I spent a lot of time alone in the woods that month. The down side to trying to hide without being honest about why is your best friend will, knowing all your favorite hideouts, eventually crash your private pity party. And he’ll do so without ever feeling bad about it.

I heard the rustle of leaves before I saw him. Soft paws crept silently over the ground trying not to disturb too much. I’d know the sound of those paws anywhere.

“In here.” I called out to him, puzzled that he came as wolf.

He crawled under the branches and joined me in the cave. He dropped the tightly wrapped bundle of clothes he was carrying in his mouth to the ground and shifted.

Being a wolf, nudity is something you never really think about. We all shift in front of each other, we have to.  So the comfortable ease Tommy showed was natural, expected, but none the less, he left me breathless, wanting and battling to control not only the very visible reaction I had to him but my obvious scent of arousal, too.

“Kill me now?” he whined when he pulled up his pants, zipping them and leaving the jut of his hipbones visible. I swear his words were an echo of my thoughts.

I knew I really shouldn’t be staring at him, while he was covering up his torso with well-worn clingy cotton. I knew he’d look back at me eventually and disguising your scent has nothing on hiding the hunger in your eyes when you really, really desire something. I suppose I was lucky. He stayed focused on getting dressed and I had just the right amount of time to get my emotions under enough control to sound amused. “Why would I do that? I’d miss you.”

And that’s when he looked up, his eyes darting over me and then around the edges of the cave.  “I love you dude.” I added truthfully.

His gaze found mine and his features softened. “I love you too,” he replied fondly and walked over to nuzzle his head against mine before pressing a kiss to my lips. “Making a home here? And if so, why not tell me where to find you? Had to change to avoid searching the entire forest.”

I shook my head and put on a fake smile. “No, just needed some space.” I situated myself on the floor and patted my thighs. Tommy took the bait and a few seconds later he was on his back with his head resting against my legs.

“The death wish. Explain.” I demanded.

He huffed out a dramatic sigh, letting me know he wasn’t all that serious just frustrated. “Oh. Kimberly, Mia. The whole ‘not supposed to want something that can’t ever be mine’ thing. The usual, except with the unusual twist of the way Kimberly made it perfectly clear she was up for whatever, whenever and-”

“How did Mia react to that?” my brain was happily ignoring the idea of Tommy getting some action in favor of finding out how Mia reacted to  someone making a pass at her mate. I mean, there’s not really anything that will piss off an alpha more than that and besides it would have been a helpful detail to know, just in case Tommy ever opened his eyes and saw me.

“Wasn’t really there.”  He snorted loudly. “She was powdering her nose and what is up with that? Why can’t girls just say they need to piss? Powdering her nose?” He rolled his eyes, making me laugh. “I do my fucking makeup better than her anyway.”

“True.”

“You know what would be so awesome?” he asked and pressed his head down so he could look at me. I had to force myself to look back at him and forget all about his head, his mouth so close to my crotch.

“No?”

“If girls were more like you. I fucking love what we have. Man, I bet it’s gonna be rad when you find a dude. Though I’m sure I’ll be all kinds of jealous.” Tommy laughed melodically, the sound bouncing of the walls, making my heart sing.

“Jealous?”

“Yes.” He grinned and pinched my side. “You haven’t noticed that I’m a possessive bastard and I totally love that you’re mine? For now at least.”

Sweet music to my ears. I couldn’t really afford to let it sink in, though. So I took it for what it was. A completely platonic declaration of love. My words back to him sounded the same but carried another truth too. “I’ll always be yours. Forever, right?!”

I still don’t know if Tommy had any idea how I truly felt back then, mostly I don't think so but he got this serious look on his face.

“Yeah, until some handsome wolf comes along and whisks you away to another pack.”

I swallowed and wanted to deny it with everything in me, to tell him everything. But then his eyes sparkled, covering up most of the sadness I saw in them. “I’ll be forced to be happy for you and your man while looking after my alpha duties. It’s gonna be fun times, I tell you.” he said sardonically.

“I’ll have you know I have a beautiful one here,” I laughed and ruffled his hair. “Why would I leave for someone handsome?? But you should know the role as martyr doesn’t suit you.”

He just looked at me, for a freakishly long time before shrugging dismissively.

His searching gaze made me uneasy so I deflected.  “Are you gonna… with Kimberly?”

His brows darted up and he chuckled. “Wouldn’t you? I mean I’m not tied to Mia before I’m twenty-five.”

“So you have feelings for her?” I swear to you my inner voice kept shouting at me to shut up but little good it did me.

“Dude! She’s hot!  I’m seventeen! What do you think I feel?”

“So you do?”

“Correct answer would be; you’re horny. Which I totally am and I want a hand that isn’t mine on my dick for once.” He wiggled his fucking eyebrows and lifted his hips.

Without hesitation I reached out and cupped him, gently squeezing his dick through his jeans. Scared to even look at what my hand was doing I looked him straight in the eye, hiding behind a smirk. Tommy’s eyes were huge and surprised, laughter bubbling in his chest. I moved my hand away and cockily asked, “Now that’s done can we change the subject? You could let me in on your plans for world domination.”

Because really, I needed to think of something else.

Laughing so much he was shaking with it, he hiccupped through an answer. ”Oh, the thing named democracy?! Sure. And Dude! No touching the family jewels unless you’re very seriously thinking about jerking me off.”

I raised a daring eyebrow. “Anytime Ratliff. Anytime.”

His laughter died down and another speculative look got shot my way before he shook his head lightly. “So you wanna know what Mike and I talked about yesterday?”

I nodded and enthusiastic words started to flow from Tommy.

Kimberly and Tommy had two weeks of… time together. But Tommy went out of his way not to show it at all. I found out for sure that they fucked around when I stumbled across a sated, boneless Tommy when I wasn’t supposed to.

Being in my grey and white wolf form I should have seen or heard him long before I did, and I probably would have if he had been in the shape of his wolf too. It’s hard to miss that pearly white fur, but because I was caught in my own dark thoughts and because sleep made him really quiet I didn’t see him until I was a few steps away. I stopped abruptly and looked at him, beyond surprised to find him out here, napping in a warm ray of sun.

Even in his sleep he smiled. He looked so content, satisfied. Curious I stepped closer, driven by the scent of him and someone else, Kimberly. But there was another unknown smell mingling with theirs, an earthier one.  Intrigued, I went over to him, curiously following that scent. Before I really wrapped my head around what the hell I was doing, I nuzzled and pushed at his t-shirt enough to get it to ride up and I’m sure my whiskers must have been tickling his soft skin as I was figuring out what the fuck it was he smelled like.

Caught deep in my own world, I startled when strong fingers sank into my fur and started scratching. “Hey.” Tommy whispered drowsily sounding perfectly happy to find me there.

Slightly unfocused eyes met mine. Without letting go of me he sat up and wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his face in the thick fur there. “I’ve been missing you stranger. I’m glad you found me.”

The smell of Kimberly on him made me want to protest, to tell him it seemed like he’d been doing just fine without me. I didn’t want to sound like a petulant child, though, and that one scent still demanded my attention. You smell like…

I sniffed him again and let me tell you ignorance was a blessing. Sex, he smelled like sex and not just like him jerking off. It was her I could smell. Ooh.

I stepped back forcing him to let go of me. Unwilling to let him see my pain, I couldn’t meet his eyes, so I flopped down next to him with my back to him.

I should have known he wouldn’t let me get away with that. He rolled onto his side, threw an arm around my shoulders and back. His voice was muffled from speaking into my fur but his tone was gentle and pleading. “Don’t be like that.”

Like what?

“Like you’re disappointed in me. I can’t deal with you being judgmental, too. Let me have this, please. I make sure Mia doesn’t know so she won’t get hurt, in case she gives a damn. Nobody is getting hurt so, yeah. Please don’t turn your back on me Trent. I need you.”

You think no one is getting hurt? I’m not disappointed in you. I… our lives are changing so much now. I’ll never be the center of your world again. I just—sometimes I wish we could be frozen at age seven. Life was simpler.

It took him quite some time to answer and I began to fear my big mouth had gone too far. That he was starting to put things together. As much as I wanted him to know and love me back, I knew that wasn’t a possibility at all and I never wanted pity from him.

“Look at me!” He demanded and suddenly I had no fucking choice. I turned to meet his gaze and he immediately took a hold of my face. “Things change but you’ll always be one of the most important people in my life, nothing is ever going to change that. That love doesn’t die because we’re growing up, if anything it turns into something more precious, deeper.”

I know you love me but…

He held my gaze and something in the way he was studying me made me think something like ‘but not the way you want me to?” was skittering through his mind but then he shook his head.

“There’s no ‘but’, I love you, period. Sometimes I catch myself thinking how easy, how awesome it’d be if you were the one my parents promised me to. Mia understands what I want for our pack, wants the same and she knows me pretty damn well, too. But you? You get me in ways no one else ever did. Don’t ever doubt the strength of my feelings for you. I won’t tolerate it.”

Really? You think that?

He leaned in to rest his head against my forehead. “Yup, she’s cool but she’s not you.”

She’s a girl, though.

“And?” he chuckled, drawing back enough to look at me expectantly. Feeling a bit light headed and playful because of his small confession I dropped my gaze to the bulge in his jeans.

“Perv.” Tommy laughed and pushed at me. “I don’t wanna fuck her anymore than I wanna fuck you. Besides like you, she knows just about everything about me, no fucking mystery there.”

And just like that I was back in my melancholic mood.

That was the day I decided enough was enough. I needed to at least try to get over him. I spent the next couple of years doing that. It didn’t work all that well.

When Tommy was twelve he discovered a passion for music, playing it to be precise. He got an old but good guitar from one of the pack members and with a one track mind he practiced. Tommy became good, like, really fucking amazingly good! He taught himself and I think we all knew being a musician was his true calling. He worshipped that guitar; and I’m positive he still has it.

The year we turned twenty, I more than once I caught him drooling over a pearly white Fender in the window of the local music store. Being me, I started saving money up for that guitar. The plan was to hand it over on his birthday. So that’s why I was taking a job bussing tables and doing dishes in a crappy dinner. Really fucking epic way to try to get over a guy, but yeah, that’s what I did.

You should have seen Tommy’s face the first time I told him I wasn’t able to go to the movies with him because I had to go to work. First surprise and then suspicion crept over his face.

“Are you dating someone?” He actually asked that. But more importantly he looked hurt at the thought. “No. I’m working. I’m saving up for something valuable.”

His gorgeous brown eyes lit up and grew huge. “What?”

“It’ll be a surprise.”

He offered me a certain look of mischief. “I could make you tell me.”

I snorted. “But you won’t. We both know that.”

Tommy put on an adorable pout. “Then tell me where you’re working.”

I did and he beamed back at me. “That is kinda awesome. I can totally get away with seeing you while you work. I just need to order a cup of coffee.” he laughed and instantly I regretted telling him.

And he did. Buy coffee, and a lot of it. As usual he charmed everyone around him and quickly became a regular. And it wasn’t like he asked for their attention, they just gave it to him willingly, just like me.  Sometimes he brought his guitar, especially when he was asked. Other times he just sat at the counter reading something, barely looking up, just answering my light touches whenever I brushed by him with a knowing and fond smile. He really didn’t make the whole getting over him easy.

After a while I realized people, strangers mostly, thought we were boyfriends. I blame our wolves for that and the overly affectionate ways we all have. It was like getting a bucket of ice water poured over my head the first time someone commented on it. I was left gasping and speechless, until my brain caught up with me. It’s rather difficult hearing what you want the most in life is what people think you already have. It certainly doesn’t make you want it less, that’s for sure.

“No, no, no.” I stuttered when I found my ability to speak again. Of course Tommy had heard the comment and decided to throw in his two cents. “Aww baby, are you ashamed of me?” he said and made kissy sounds.

I very appropriately flipped him off. “Fuck you.”

I turned to the customer who had asked and explained. “He’s my best friend. Honestly. Though right now I can’t think of why.”

“You love me, that’s why.” Tommy stated as if there were no other possibilities and went back to reading.

I hurried back to the kitchen to have myself a private and quiet meltdown.

Next time someone mentioned it, it was constructed as a carefully measured question. Brown eyes, much darker than Tommy’s, were darting back and forth between me and Tommy who was pretending to be lost in a Stephen King book.

His name was Martin and he'd been visiting the diner daily over the past few weeks. It was the first time he'd addressed me directly and it took all of about three seconds even without wolf instincts to know why he was interested in knowing that. I shot Tommy a quick glance and as suspected his attention wasn’t completely on King. His eyes were still glued to the book but the secretive little smile was not because of what he read. Shut up. I said to Tommy.

Smiling at Martin, I shook my head at the same time Tommy used his own telepathy and pushed an amused snicker into my mind.

Didn’t say a word, didn’t even think in words. I might be guilty of thinking in images though.

Every time I thought I knew what to expect from him he did something like that. Tommy, goddamn you. Will you please shut the fuck up?! I looked at him innocently and said to Martin. “Just a friend.”

He’s pretty. Maybe he’s the one that will finally chase that haunted expression you get in your eyes sometimes away.

I frowned, confused by what he meant by that.  Haunted expression?! He thinks we’re lovers.

We’d look good together. Tommy said matter of factly. Then he took a napkin and put it between the pages in his book and closed it. “Oh will you look at the time, I think I need to find a bed to sleep in. If you need me, I’ll be at Mia’s.”

I looked at him with shock. That was a first.

Going home, but now loverboy doesn’t think we’re together. Enjoy. He tossed a carefree wave my way and strolled out the door, doorbell chiming behind him.

 

Martin was pretty and throughout the six months we actually dated, I tried hard to love him. I really did.

I think Tommy tried his best to like him too, maybe he even did. But whenever I tried to put them in the same room for more than half an hour Tommy begged off so it was hard to tell. I had the distinct feeling he was disguising his scent too. His excuses for leaving were always so fucking legit that I couldn’t bitch and moan about it and Martin always seemed to bloom when Tommy left the room. Still it had hurt.

It hurt because I knew the reasons he gave like time with Mia or his dad weren't the only ones. I could feel his unhappiness even from miles away and I didn't understand it. The only time things seemed okay was when we were all out as a group, and on more than one of those occasions Tommy left with some cute girl before the night ended. Those nights left me empty and feeling like the only reason he went with us was to find something I couldn't give him.

At one point I became so frustrated that I asked Mike what the hell he thought Tommy’s problem was. I had never done anything like that before.

He shot me a flat glare and put his coffee mug down with a bit too much force. “You, Trent, are neither dumb nor blind so how can you even ask that?”

“Huh?”

“He’s hurting, he’s being replaced by Martin and that makes his wolf jealous. You should appreciate his effort to not make it an issue.”

“Jealous? Why? He’s still my best friend and believe me! He does his share of fucking around.” I smacked a hand over my mouth horrified I'd just said that. I knew Tommy very deliberately kept his sex life under the radar, had a damn good reason to do it too, and there I was letting my mouth run.

But the way Mike looked at me made it became obvious that he knew too and he was distinctly displeased that I'd let that slip out. The faint smell of disappointment hit my senses and I looked away feeling ashamed.

“I didn’t say his jealousy had anything to do with fucking. There's more than one way to be jealous! You’re the one he always goes to. His best friend, the one he loves completely and without boundaries and now he has to share. Don’t forget he’s an alpha, it’s in his genes to be a possessive fucker.”

“He practically pushed us together. Possessive my ass.”

Mike raised a brow, looking at me blankly. “Because he knows you two can’t continue to be this dependent on each other without letting others into your life. That doesn’t mean that it’s easy to ignore his wolf's urge to touch you, curl around you the way you two have always done. The dude lives on cuddles and since Martin is human and not all that sure of himself, Tommy is doing everything to censor himself around you.”

“I never asked him to censor himself. I just want to spend time with him.”

“Perhaps not. But Tommy will never ever stand in the way of your happiness and he’s doing what he can to give you space. That means he hurts, his wolf hurts, just as you did when he met Kimberly and you realized you had to do the same. He’s dealing, you should too.” Mike pushed his chair back, stood and turned his back on me, clearly done with my whining.

I wasn’t finished though. “All I ask is that he spend a little bit of his time with me. I fucking want him to.”

“I know. Trust me, we all know, except for Tommy, because he’s a master in ignoring the obvious.”

I swallowed, thinking that maybe Mike had figured out my feelings for Tommy but Mike sighed and his voice took on an even more patient tone. “He does want to spend time with you, but your boyfriend doesn’t appreciate that and you know what? This is the downside of you and Tommy always being so close. The thing is you grow up and new people enter your life and you have to adjust.”

“I don’t like this.” I answered petulantly.

Mike patted me on the back. “Neither does he, but he’s doing the right, the mature thing.” And then he left me to my own thoughts.

It was no surprise that my relationship didn't last more than six months.  He wasn’t Tommy and I needed my friend back, and that was that.

So I spent the next three years pining for someone who didn’t want me. I know it sounds ridiculous but you need to know that despite that, I was happy. I think in many ways, I was happier in my life than Tommy. Not that he seemed unhappy or discontent but his life pretty much consisted of chores to prepare him for what was expected of him later. I guess the only thing he did for himself was playing his music.

Me, I didn’t think I was missing out on anything. After things ended with Martin, my friendship with Tommy quickly went back to what it was before. The one major thing that changed was that I pretty much resolved to do the same thing as Tommy, casual hook ups, when sexual tension became too much. It was the perfect solution. Or so I thought.

I knew for a fact that Tommy noticed this. He would sometimes send me this look of confusion and worry when I slipped out the door with someone pretty. And every time I worried about him figuring out why and calling me on it.

One day he did. He totally surprised the fuck out of me and to be honest I think that was his intention. He knew it would be the only way to get me to talk without forcing me with the demand of his alpha’s tone.

We were watching some movie I can’t even remember now, snuggling together on his bed, when he suddenly turned and sat up to face me. He pulled his knees up and put his arms around them before resting his chin in the tiny gap between them. For the longest time he didn’t say anything, was just looking at me as if he was trying to pry open my brain with a mental crowbar.

I didn’t ask him anything. I let him look, knowing whatever was on his mind he would spill it out when he was ready and not one minute sooner.

Finally, he asked, “Can I ask you something?”

“Duh.”

He blinked at my teasing tone, and it became painfully obvious that he wasn't in a playful mood. A pang of worry ran through me. Whatever was brewing inside his head was serious.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“Tommy, just ask.” I said, knowing there wasn’t much I would deny him, if anything at all.

“Okay…” he said softly and looked away for a second. He was biting a thumb nail when he met my gaze again. “I don’t know where to start,” He admitted slowly.

“The beginning?” that was supposed to get a ‘smartass’ or something like that out of him to lighten the mood but instead he nodded his head.

“Yeah, maybe. Do you remember when we were fourteen and carefree?”

“I suppose.” I answered, thinking that’s when things started to get complicated for me.

“I think we were about that age when I put words on my feelings for you for the first time.”

The memory of that day crashed through me and I could feel a huge smile growing on my face. “Yeah, after tumbling through the forest in the best way possible. It was a good day.”

He smiled back but there was something anxious about it. “I need you to know I still feel like that. No matter what, you’ll always be my best friend.”

“I know… go on.” I said with the ‘please don’t let this be about me loving you’ thought on repeat like a fucking mantra in my head.

“God, this is hard. I’ve been thinking about this for such a long time and I still don’t know…” He paused again, finding his words. “When Kimberly came to visit-”

“Yeah?” I urged, trying to cover up how much he was freaking me out because I was pretty sure what was coming next. My stomach was tied up in painful knots.

“There was something about the way you were that month… I guess that was the first time I started to wonder but I let it go, didn’t want to think too deeply about it… The way you reacted when you found me after one of our…”

“Fucks?” I was going for humor, but I missed by a mile and even I cringed at the hard tone in my voice.

Tommy grimaced. “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

“Don’t want one. I have everything I need.”

He looked at me for what felt like forever. Then he sighed. “Alright. But then explain the numerous hook ups.”

I shrugged. “It’s sex.  It's really not that deep and what’s with the double standards? You do the same.”

He nodded. “Because I have to. Don’t think I don’t want to have a girlfriend, someone to connect with but I can’t be in a relationship. I am Mia’s.”

I swallowed, the impact of those words leaving my mouth dry and my heart breaking. “In three years, yes but not now.”

He snorted. “I’m not about to piss all over her or her Dad by openly bringing a girl into my pack. But tell me why you don’t want a boyfriend?”

I wasn’t going to tell him anything if he didn’t flat out ask. Stupidly, I was still clinging to the tiny hope that he didn’t know anything. “Like I said, I’ve got what I need. Maybe I’m just not the ‘couple’ kind of guy?!”

“Bullshit and you know it. I might read too much into this. God, I hope so but… is it because of me?”

“What?” I shrieked, while my mind was going blank, of course he would ask the one question I didn't want him to ask.

Without bothering to hide it he studied my face and I knew he was trying to read my expression and therefore figure out what I was thinking. “Ever since Martin and with the one night stands… I have this feeling that… did it end because of me?”

“You did nothing wrong.”

“If you say so…” he reached out a hand and took one of mine in his. His thumb rubbed over my knuckles in a gentle caress. “But Trent, I need you to be honest with me now. Are you in love with me?”

“I’ve always loved you, you know that. I worship the ground you walk on.”

He squeezed my hand and his voice had just a hint of the alpha he’s destined to become in his tone. “Are you?”

“Maybe.” I looked away, afraid to see what would be in his eyes.

“So that’s a yes?” he squeezed my hand, silently begging me to give him a straight answer.

“Yes.” I whispered, not daring to meet his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” He said softly. “Tell me what to do to make you feel better. Anything.”

The complete lack of judgment in his voice made me look at him. His eyes shone with understanding and empathy. There was none of the pity or resentment I had feared so much. I should have known that.

“Love me?” I asked with hope.

“You know I do. Nothing is changing that.” He offered me a tender smile and moved so he could give me a tight hug.

With his arms around my neck and his warm breath tickling my skin I let go of every last bit of my pride. “Fall in love with me?”

He released his hold on me and leaned back in favor of looking at me. “I can’t do that. First of all because I’m straight-”

“Couldn’t we try?” I begged, crawling over the bed to reach him. “I mean if we tried then maybe you’d… like it and-We’re perfect together in any other sense. And you once said you wished it was me and not her you were promised to.”

He met me halfway cradling my face. “True, but I didn’t know you felt like this when I said it.”

“So you don’t, want to at least try? Does the thought of us together bother you that much?”

He looked hurt and he really must have been because he didn’t even bother trying to hide it. “No Trent, we’d look hot together but listen, straightness aside… even if I thought I could fall in love with you I still wouldn’t want to… it would cause too much heartbreak when Mia and I tie the knot in three years. For both of us.”

“But if it worked couldn’t we talk to the council, free you of that pact with Mia?” I was grasping at straws and I didn’t even care how desperate I sounded.

“It wouldn’t matter how much I was in love with you if we’re not imprinted and we’re not. Do you really see my Dad, Mia’s or the council approve of breaking the pact? Two packs of wolves are counting on me and Mia to make change. You know this Trent. You know how important this is.”

I did know that. “Yeah.”

He let go of my face and said sadly, “There’s a lot of reasons it wouldn’t work. I can’t be anything more than your best friend and I need to know what I can do to make things better for you. Do you need me to hold back and be less affectionate? I mean, I know my wolf is a possessive fucker but I’ll try to rein him in if that’s what you need.”

I didn’t even think about that before answering. “I need you—us, to stay the same.”

“But if-”

“I need you, my wolf need yours. It’d kill him if you suddenly withdrew from us because of this. I can handle it, I have been for a while, so if this is it, then I want what I have. It wasn’t me who brought this up.” I looked at him hoping that he would understand.

“Just… let me know if something changes okay? If it becomes too much, please be honest with me.”

I promised him that despite knowing that I would never tell Tommy anything unless it was because I fell out of love with him.

Then a month later Mia became alpha and Tommy spent so many hours in her pack right after that he was too tired to think about how to look out for me. It seemed like he was too tired for anything honestly. It was hard not to notice he didn’t go out with our friends and more importantly that he didn’t seem to sneak off with any random girls anymore. I was perfectly happy with that knowledge. And I bathed in the little attention he had time to throw my way and the fact that he seemed to cherish our limited time together just as much as me. Over the next six months I stupidly chose to ignore the way Tommy had emphasized ‘best friend’. Instead I clung to the hope that one day he’d see what was right in front of him.

Some might say I was delusional, but all I know is that I loved him with all my heart, I still do. Apparently it’s the wolf way.

Maybe the idea to ask the council for an audience was born from spending too much time alone or maybe it was the fact that I missed Tommy so much I ached when he wasn’t near. Anyway I started to think about things, like, if given his freedom maybe Tommy really could fall in love with me. Like if this huge weight weren’t on his shoulders then he might open his eyes to new possibilities. I stubbornly locked on to his words about the council and packs and ignored the straight part and as the weeks went by an idea rooted in my mind and it grew on me until the point where I just had to act on it.

So I asked permission to see the council. I went into that intimidating room with clammy hands and a tremor in my voice I had no way of controlling, to meet them.

Darren, the head of the council, was the only one there and he opened with a question and a slight frown upon his face. “You had a question for me Trent?”

While drying my palms on the denim on my thighs, I tried to swallow past the dry spot in my throat. I looked up and curious but reserved eyes met mine. “Yes sir.”

“Well, what’s on your mind?”

I had this whole rehearsed speech I was going to deliver but my words escaped me in that moment and my tongue felt like it was glued against my palate. “I… I was wondering… if…” I blushed feverishly and at that point I just wanted the earth to crack open and swallow me whole.

“Just ask, I’m not about to bite your head off.”

Darren smiled encouragingly and I decided that my pride could just fuck off. I was there for a reason. “If you’re supposed to mate with someone because an old pact says so but you fall in love with someone else… what happens then?”

He tilted his head and looked at me for the longest time before answering. “Depends, I suppose. I’m guessing you’re talking about Tommy Ratliff and Mia Tyler.”

“Yeah.” I admitted and tried my best not to drop my gaze to my feet. I failed.

“Have any of them fallen in love with someone else?”  There was something odd in the way Darren asked and it made me snap my head up and meet his gaze.

“No. I mean that’s not why I ask.”

“Then why?”

I kept my head held high. “I wanted to know the council’s opinion on breaking a pact made to unite two packs if one of the alphas fell in love with someone else before mating.”

“Again I ask, has that happened?”

“Not yet.”

“Then why worry over such matters? Unless you…” he paused for about a second before a wolfish grin appeared on his face. “Oh that’s it; you’re the one in love.”

“Yeah.” My wolf wanted to growl and defend his feelings, offended by the slightly mocking tone in Darren’s voice but I pushed the urge down and I squared my shoulders and looked Darren right in the eyes.

“I’m assuming it’s Tommy then,” Darren said and judging by the look on his face, his mind took him places he didn’t share with me. The cold, calculating expression on his face made my stomach twist with something dark and worry crept up on me.  Deep inside I could feel my wolf panicking and pushing at me to fight his case. He too, was as scared of that look on Darren’s face as I was.

Then Darren snapped out of it and he looked at me with something that resembled fondness, though I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why I was on the receiving end of a look like that. “I hate to be the one to say this but that mating has been planned from the day Tommy was born. Your pack and the Tyler pack aren’t the largest ones but united it will be one of the biggest, if not the biggest, and wolves find comfort in numbers. Two strong wolves will not be pleased to see their plans fail. This is Ron and Steven’s dream but their wrath will have nothing on Mia’s if she really wants Tommy as her mate, they strike me as being very close. And she’s the alpha in that pack now. Are you sure you know what you’re getting into?”

I focused on covering up my scent and fighting back all my anxiety and confusion and nodded my head slowly and thoughtful. “I know this and they are not in love. I wanted to know the council's opinion. Ultimately, we all have to submit to your ruling, even strong-headed alphas.”

Once again he tilted his head and looked at me, his eyes cold and unwavering. “You’ve got it bad, don’t you Trent? Does Tommy know you’re here?”

“No. he doesn’t.”

“Does he know your feelings?”

“Yes but…” I didn’t know how to continue, how to express what Tommy had said to me. And honestly I didn’t feel like it would be safe to even do so. I couldn’t even say why.

“So, your hope is to return with our blessing so you can pursue him, make him fall in love too?”

“Yes sir.” I admitted quietly. There was no use lying, it was clear that Darren already knew.

Darren smiled a little but my wolf was still uneasy, it wasn't buying the friendly smile. “The council urges, within reason, all weres to follow their nature which means we won’t deny two wolves to mate if they imprint or simply fall in love with each other. As for the alphas, then no matter how displeased they might be, they’ll not be allowed to fight against your love for each other too hard, assuming he falls in love with you. However, they will be grumpy for a long time.”

His words made relief zing through me and there was no way I could disguise it in the tone of my voice. “So, I can have him if he falls in love with me?”

“Have him?” Darren huffed in a condescending way and shook his head lightly as if talking to a dumb kid. “It’ll be the other way around but never mind that and you might want to ease him into it because all his life he’s been told to mate with Mia. Being alpha born he’s stubborn and proud, traits he can’t control and he’ll have a hard time letting go of the expectations he and everybody else have been holding on to.”

When I was about to open my mouth to answer him he made an impatient gesture and I kept quiet while he went on. “But before you go I have to make sure you know what kind of future you’re looking at though. We mate for life even when we don’t imprint. That means you’re always going to love him now that you’ve fallen for him. That bond is as almost as strong as imprinting and once mated it’s just as unbreakable. Your wolf has made his choice and you’re now stuck with Tommy.”

He made it sound like loving Tommy was a hardship and even when I was desperate enough to ask to see the council neither me nor my wolf saw it that way. My wolf wanted to growl at the insult against what he thought of as his mate and I had to fight to keep him down.  “What do you mean ‘stuck with’?” I asked and I’m sure my wolf’s feelings shone through despite my effort to hide them because Darren shot me a pitiful look.

“I hope your boy will love you back because if he can’t, you’ll spend your life yearning for something you can’t have. If it's even possible at all, it’ll take everything you’ve got in you to move on because your wolf will be desperate for any kind of affection from him. That’s unless you’re lucky enough to imprint on another wolf of course, which really isn’t possible as long as he isn’t mated with someone else.”

I didn’t know that and had I been at a different state of mind I’m sure I would have bitched about why the elderly wolves in our pack hadn’t talked about such things. It was kinda important stuff. What came out of my mouth instead was, “I don’t want to imprint on someone else. I want Tommy.”

A sardonic smile curved Darren’s lips. “Well, imprinting is off the table anyway as long as he isn’t mated to someone else. Your wolf will never accept the thought of another mate before he’s created that bond with another wolf and even then it’ll try to hold on. But I do hope you’ll get what you want.”

He still had this cold restrained look on his face but he sounded sincere and even my wolf believed him.

“Thank you, sir.”

Hope and happiness bubbled through me as I left the council and stayed with me all the way home.

I came home from the council thinking about how to approach Tommy, thoughts about how to tell him and how to woo him. After spending a couple of weeks trying to look at it from every possible  angle, I even thought of telling him how it would affect my wolf if he didn't love me back the way it wanted him to. Not my finest moment but in my defense, I realized the emotional blackmail it would have been before telling him. I’m not a saint and maybe I would have done that eventually if Tommy’s life hadn’t taken a rough turn very shortly after my audience with the council.

Because of the heat that day and the fact that not even the tiniest hint of breeze wanted to grace us with its presence, I had taken to hiding indoors. And since it was a day before a full moon that meant most of us were already gathered at our alpha’s home. I was hiding from the heat in Tommy’s room even though he wasn’t there. Apparently he'd spent the night with Mia’s pack because Dia had told me he’d come home with her later.

The knock on the door surprised me but not as much as Tommy asking permission to enter his own room. “Hey. Can I stay here?”

I wanted to say something ambiguous and suggestive but saw the look on his face. Something was off. “Sure.” I made room for him on the bed and he immediately flopped down next to me but didn’t snuggle like usual. I shot him a puzzled look before I continued my quest of finding something worth watching on his TV, but his constant squirming and impatient sighs made it impossible to focus on anything. It didn’t take him more than ten minutes tops before he hopped off the bed to walk up to his window.

Something was definitely wrong, his wolf wasn’t happy, that’s for sure. We all get an itch so close to a full moon but Tommy was normally very good at keeping his wolf happy and he was never like this, even with the full moon coming.

“What’s wrong?”

At first he didn’t turn around to face me, I think he was checking the edge of the wood for anything that could explain why his wolf was acting weird. “I don’t know. My wolf is restless, on edge. I tried all my usual stress relief tactics but he won’t settle. Been like this all fucking day.” He practically growled at me and I couldn’t fight the desire to poke the wolf.

“It's been a while hasn’t it?”

“Huh?”

It’s no fun teasing the wolf when it doesn’t bite back so I changed tactics and decided to ask him directly even though I really didn’t want to know. “When was the last time you had sex?”

He frowned and shrugged dismissively. “Don’t really remember. I’m not horny if that’s what you think. Worried is more like it. I feel like there’s something I need to be aware off. My wolf is… alert and scared, disconnected.”

“Scared?” I might have asked that in a high pitched voice. If there’s one thing Tommy is not it’s a scaredy-cat.

“Yeah, and I don’t get scared. I’m a fucking warrior. I’m born to watch out for this pack so why is he so fucking anxious?”

The nervousness in his voice combined with the way he paced the floor, looking out the window every other second was making my wolf uneasy too. “I don’t know. Have you felt like this before?”  The second the question was out I regretted it, of course he hadn’t felt like this before, he would have told me.

Tommy stopped pacing the floor and looked in my direction but his gaze was unfocused. “No, never.”

“What are you not telling me?”

“Nothing,” he shook his head and focused on me.

“Liar.”

“Naw, just a feeling I can’t explain. I’ll tell you when I can.”

He sent me a sort lived smile and went back to pacing the floor.

I couldn't take it, not seeing him so restless and anxious.  “Oh my God, you're acting like a caged animal. Maybe we should go for a run in the woods.”

“No, bad idea.”

He didn’t say why but his tone didn’t leave much room for debate. When he turned around to look out the window again, an idea popped into my head. “Okay let’s try something else. Lose the clothes and c’mere.”

Though I had said that in a stern and humorless way, Tommy apparently found it worthy of a laugh. “This isn’t the time for groping. Just saying.”

His laughter was infectious even if his words stung a little. “Is it ever? 'Cuz then you forgot to tell me and I’ll be very disappointed in you then. I want you to shift.”

“Why?”

“Trust me.”

“I do, but I’m not letting my wolf out when he’s acting like this, I’m not sure I can control him.” His words were quietly spoken and I knew it hurt him to admit it.

“Then we’ll do it in this form.” I pulled my t-shirt off. When Tommy didn’t move, I explained my idea.

“Maybe being close will help. Make him feel connected again. It worked when we were kids. Remember when we were five and I fell down from the tree. I broke my arm and my wolf hurt so much it made it impossible for Mom to help me. Your wolf was just as upset and your dad took us both by the scruff of our necks and demanded we behave. We did, right until Mom thought she could look at my arm and then we both started acting up again. Remember he told Mom to let you, your wolf, calm mine?”

Tommy nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah that it probably wouldn’t work without the physical connection. You were calm when I cuddled you.”

“Enough for Mom to get a look at my arm and later she took you with us when we went to the doctor. Just to be on the safe side.”

“I held your hand yeah.” A fond smile graced his lips and he hauled off his shirt. The mattress dipped and he pushed his bare back against my chest and stomach. “Cuddle me, bitch.” he snickered.

I wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer until we were flushed against each other and laughed. “Says the little spoon.”

Two minutes later we were both melting. “Too hot for this.” I whined unwilling to admit how badly I enjoyed it too.

Tommy was not stupid though and tightened his grip on my arm and wiggled his ass. “Obviously, but it’s working so shut up and enjoy, perv.”

He made me blush and possibly love him even more because he wasn’t pretending not to know he affected me, and still it didn’t make a damn difference to him. He still wanted me to be close.

We stayed like that for half an hour before Dia popped her head in. “Tommy Joe have you seen your Dad today?”

It was if something painful went through him. I felt his body tremble and he pushed into my touch. I could feel his wolf’s fight in him. “No? Why?”

“I just wanted to know.” Dia said with a shrug and turned around to leave.

“Hey Mom? You think maybe he’s wandering in the forest? Letting his wolf take over.”

She nodded. “Yeah, but on a wolf day?”

After she left us Tommy was back to being squirmy. He moved every other second and kept trying to get closer, which was impossible. “Okay, this isn’t working anymore.” he sighed and jumped off the bed.

“You think?!” I got off the bed too and put on my t-shirt. “Maybe we should go for a walk too?”

He looked at me with a pointed stare.

“Like this.” I waved my hand between us. “I won’t leave you and I can handle your wolf if he becomes too much.”

He gave it a chance and soon after we started our way across the lawn, heading for the forest. Mia stopped us to talk, wanting to know if he felt better. All she got out of that was a growled no in the passing. I sent her an apologizing grimace and got a ‘not your fault’ look back.

It actually got worse when we got into the woods. At some point Tommy actually shouted at me in frustration that he didn’t understand what his wolf wanted. I tried everything I could think of to connect with his wolf but nothing worked.

But then we found him. Ron.

I think what Tommy’s wolf wanted to tell him was that something was terribly wrong. I don’t know how. I don’t know why but I do believe that was the case that day. And if that is so I hope to never feel Tommy struggle like that again. It was heartbreaking.

Tommy saw him first. I didn’t notice anything before Tommy froze and a broken whisper slipped from his mouth. “No. Please.” And then he ran. I spun around to see what he was running for. And there he was. An impressive grey wolf lay on its side, in a comfortable position but way too still. Tommy crouched down, hands roaming his father’s body, shaking him as if that would make him move. “No, no, no, no. Dad!”

How he controlled his wolf enough not to take over is beyond me! I couldn’t. My heart broke and I shifted right there and a howl of sorrow ripped its way out my throat. It alerted the other pack members who all came running as fast as possible.

Silent tears ran down Tommy’s face as he kept stroking the fur of his dad’s body. Whispering something so quiet even my wolf couldn’t hear the words. When I tried to get near him he tensed in a clear ‘fuck off’ way that kept me walking around them in circles keeping the others away from their leader and Tommy.

He stayed like that until Dia came and sank to her knees at his side. They clung to each other and Ron for a long time, crying together. I think hours might have passed before they looked at each other in that certain way that made it clear they were having a private and silent conversation. Dia wiped a tear from Tommy’s eye and if on cue they both pushed their hands under Ron’s body and lifted him up. They carried him home together with the rest of the pack, some as wolves and some not, following close behind.

We buried Ron before the moon rose. At the edge of the forest and in his favorite spot, right where the meadow ends.

Dia led the wolves that night. Tommy. Well, he spent his night right next to his father’s grave growling deep in his throat and raising his hackles every time anyone tried to get near. I spent mine as close as he allowed me, watching him grieve and feeling every little bit of his heartbreak.

When the morning came, the dew sparkling in the grass made the morning prettier than it felt and it made me angry. He sensed that and misunderstood. With a nuzzle and a lick he curled up next to me. I’m sorry. I just- I couldn’t.

Don’t be. I understand. Takes more to get me to leave. I’ll be here for you.

I know. Thank you.

Shssss. Sleep. You need it.

Two weeks later I sat down next to him. He had an empty look in his eyes and the clearing in all its beauty was clearly wasted on him in that moment. I leaned in and kissed his cheek. He didn’t move to do the same. “How are you feeling?”

“Alright, I guess.” He shrugged.

“I wasn’t asking out of politeness but because I wanted to know.” I said and grabbed his face with a hand, forcing him to look at me.

“Okay! I feel like hell.” He snarled. “I miss Dad, most of the time I can’t wrap my head around the fact he’s gone but then it hits me and I’m not supposed to show it when I get overwhelmed with sorrow. I have to be strong for the pack so they feel safe and I don’t want to take over his place as alpha right now. I want to grieve and find a way to adjust to a life without him but- It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It’s fucked up!”

“I know.” I said and let go of his chin.

“Dad was meant to get old, to see me step up to my responsibilities and be there. I never wanted to be the alpha and now I have to, two and a half years before I was supposed to. This sucks in so many levels I can’t even.”

I didn’t know what to say to make it better so I settled for putting an arm around his shoulder and a hand in his hair, guiding his head down to my shoulder.

“I yelled at Mom today and I feel like crap for even putting all my anger on her. She lost her mate for Christ's sake. None of this is her fault. How big a jerk can I be, really.”

“I’m sure she understands.”

“Doesn’t make it better. I apologized but…”

“I bet you’re harder on yourself than she is. And I know it doesn’t mean much but at least she’s dealing with the alpha shit until the council gives you their seal of approval.”

“I think after today she’s going to ask for their permission to let me wait. To stick to the original plan, she didn’t say so but… she doesn’t want me to feel trapped. I suck for letting her do that.”

“No. Like you said, you never wanted this.”

He lifted his head off my shoulder and put it in his hands. “I wanted to make Dad proud and I do want things to change. I do want to make a difference! But I’m selfish too because I want my last two and a half years of freedom, too.”

I ran a hand along his back. Trying to soothe him. “Yeah. I can see why. I’m sure the entire pack can too.”

Tommy just looked at me, his face blank and I got nothing from trying to sniff his feelings.

“Maybe. We should get back.”

Obviously my plans to seduce Tommy and make him fall in love were put on hold. Tommy needed time to find himself again and no matter how much I wanted us to be something else, Tommy was nowhere ready for that. Knowing that, didn’t stop me from daydreaming and there were times when we’d lie on our backs under a rooftop of rustling leaves and talk about everything and nothing where I had a hard time separating dreams from reality. He felt like mine.

Hours ticked away and became days, weeks and somehow the pack went back to what had become a new normal. Dia got the council’s accept to let Tommy wait until he turned twenty-five before becoming alpha. She ruled the pack with a softer tone than Ron but there was still steel in it when it was needed.

Tommy changed, he lost some of his childlike innocence. I’m not even sure most of the pack members noticed it but Ron’s death left wounds that over the next six months became scars. He had good days and bad days where he pretended to be fine with everyone else but me. And then he had days where he needed to escape from everything.

Despite all that, he was actually dealing pretty well and I kept my promise and stayed by his side, no matter how good or terrible his mood was. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. The only bad thing that came out of him depending so much on me was it made it so much worse the night my little fantasy world collapsed and reality came crashing down on me.

We went out with a bunch of friends that night.  I had to persuade Tommy to go. Once he got there though, he decided to just let go and have fun. He laughed, really laughed that night. We were all affected by his mood and our table was without a doubt the loudest one. At some point Mike looked at me and mouthed ‘he’s gonna be okay. You can stop worrying’ I smiled in return.

And I did. The night was perfect, right until it wasn’t.

She was beautiful, small, curvy, with long brown hair falling around her face. She put her tiny hand on Tommy’s shoulder and when he looked up to see who it was she asked with a flirty smile, “Dance with me?”

Tommy sent her a look of pure male appreciation and pushed his beer across the table at me. Without even looking at me he smiled at her and said okay.

She didn’t want just one dance. She kept him on the dance floor longer than any other woman had before.

They looked good together, too good together and jealousy twisted in my chest, making me queasy and my wolf fought to come out and claim what was his.

The beat was heavy and sexy and when she turned her back to him, his hands ran over her belly settling on her hips. His strong fingers guided her movements, grinding her hips with his and I literally wanted her to drop dead. She laced their fingers on one of her hips and slung the other arm around his neck and tilted her head offering him free access to her neck.

I tried to look away. To focus on the conversation that flowed between my friends but I couldn’t take my eyes off them. The way they moved, touched and looked at each other, it hurt, so much I was sure I could feel my heart shattering into tiny fragments. The worst part though, was that I was so fucking turned on watching him in like this.  He was so fucking sexy and so fucking alpha it made me ache with need.

I silently begged him not to go there but of course he did. She closed her eyes and turned her head just enough to get the kiss she wanted.

It was too much and I pushed my chair back with enough force that it toppled over and shocked our friends into silence. I left them without offering any explanations. I pushed through the crowded room and greedily swallowed the fresh air when I got outside.

I didn’t get far before Tommy’s voice reached me. “Trent.” When I didn’t stop he demanded it. “Wait up!”

He picked up his pace to catch up with me. A hand on my upper arm spun me around. “What’s wrong?”

The confused look in his eyes and the glittery trace of lipstick on his mouth pissed me off. I wasn’t about to show him that though so I shrugged dismissively. “Nothing, maybe I just didn’t feel like watching you have sex with your clothes on.”

He looked like I had slapped him across the face and he blinked a couple of times before he narrowed his eyes. “Sorry, but it beats the alternative doesn’t it? At least I got to pretend. Unlike you, it’s been months since I got laid.”

The fact that he had noticed I was getting laid immediately helped brighten my mood and it sparked the eternal hope that maybe… “You’re sure this is about sex, and not just you not knowing what to do with your life right now?”

“Oh, that’s rich.” He backed a step and let go of my arm. I instantly missed the connection. “I just wanted not to think tonight okay?! To pretend I could get laid for real without taking Mia into consideration.”

Mia, always Mia. I sighed. “I get you think your life is a mess right now-”

“You mean it isn’t?” he interjected with an astonished look.

All the remaining anger went out me and left a heavy sadness settling in the pit of my stomach. “Tommy, the only one thinking you can’t handle whatever life throws at you is you. You were born to do it. Even the day your dad died you showed it.”

“Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps I’m not and that’s why I don’t want to be an alpha in the old sense of it?”

“Being open and considerate doesn’t mean you’re not strong. Quite the opposite.”

“I fucking know that. Gods, I don’t want to talk about this shit with you tonight. I came to check up on you not to get the third degree or a pep-talk. I just wanted to look after you for a change.”

And just like that the anger flared again. “I’m fine and on my way home.” I started walking again and he threw his hands in the air.

“Well, obviously!!”

His sarcasm made me turn around and take the two steps back towards him to be right up in his personal space. “It hurts okay? That it isn’t me you want to do that with. And I couldn’t watch.”

Pain immediately filled his eyes. “Sorry. What changed? This was fairly innocent considering you’ve seen me leave with girls before and know what- you promised to tell me so I wouldn’t hurt you like this.”

I shrugged. “You haven’t done that in a really long time, not since Mia became alpha. And because of Ron and everything else we’ve been spending so much time together.”

“But I thought it was friendship. I thought you'd moved on.”

“It was! I wanted to be there for you. I expected nothing more than that but it doesn't mean I've stopped wanting you to be mine in one last way. I guess I fooled myself enough to believe that eventually…”

He ran a hand through his hair. “Shit. Oh God I’m so sorry.”

I nodded and whispered. “Me too.”

I didn’t know what to do with myself so I just kind of opened my arms and Tommy didn’t hesitate to step into my embrace. For a long time we just stood there and I swear my next move was pure instinct. It certainly wasn’t a conscious decision. But I leaned down and kissed him, soft and lingering. I don’t know if it was the lipstick clinging to his lips or if it was the small comfortable sound Tommy made but I kissed him with more intent, slotting our mouths together and tracing the seam of his lips with my tongue.

“This is – we can’t –“ Tommy faintly protested and put his hands on my shoulders. But I didn’t want to hear it. Instead I licked into his mouth when he opened it to speak. He froze, went completely still at first but then he started to kiss back. Slow and hesitant. My heart was working overtime and my cock was throbbing in my pants so much it was making me dizzy. I pulled him closer to deepen the kiss, overly excited that he at least wanted to try it for my sake, but his palms moved from my shoulders to my chest and kept me from my goal.

“Trent this isn’t gonna work.” Tommy said but ignoring his first protest had given me the kiss I’d been wanting for too long. So when he drew back I tried to follow.

“Stop.”

That’s the first and only time he went all alpha mode on me since our early childhood. It was painfully clear to me he was devastated about that and, you know, everything else. I stepped back, knowing I was the one who put that look on his beautiful face. I had forced him to do something he never ever wanted to do and on top of that I had pushed my desire down his throat too. “You really don’t feel anything for me, do you?”

The sadness in his voice nearly ended me. “I feel tons but not that. Maybe we should… I don’t know. Not spend so much time together if this is what it’s doing to us.”

“Are you asking me to leave?” I asked in shock.

“Never! But you need to stop torturing yourself with hopes that won’t come true. You shouldn’t settle for this. You’re too good for that.”

“You’re telling me not to settle? Isn’t that what you’re doing with Mia?”

“Not the same and you know it.” he said with conviction and then he breathed out a pained sigh. “Maybe we should spend some time apart and later put up some boundaries. Less displays of affection might be a good thing.”

I did know our situations weren’t the same; he had accepted his fate and chosen to make it about the packs instead of himself. We had been down that road before and I had to acknowledge the strength and love in him to do that. That didn’t make his words any less painful. “Would you cut any of the other wolves off of your wolfish display of affections?

“No… but they don’t feel-”

He couldn’t even look at me, that’s how upset he was.

“Fine if that’s what you want.” I said in defeat.  I knew I had dug my own grave with that kiss; I had pushed once too hard. I knew it was my own doing, that I couldn’t blame him. Knowing that just made me feel worse.

Slowly, Tommy raised his gaze to meet mine. He had this look in his eyes, a strange mix of heartbreak and determination. “I want you to have the best life possible and right now I’m the one ruining it. Don’t let me.”

“Do you think I have a choice? Do you think I haven’t tried to get over you?”

“No, I don’t think you chose this but had it been the other way around I would probably have left the pack and you.”

I couldn’t believe my ears but the way he looked at me made it clear that he would have tried that. He might not have succeeded but he would have tried. That hurt more than I can ever explain. “Now there’s an idea. Maybe I should just get lost; it’s obvious I’m causing you pain and embarrassing myself.”

“I did not mean it like that! I want you to stay but to stop hurting. I’m… I don’t want to lose you. All I’m saying is we need to figure out a solution because this isn’t working.”

I hated that he was right, but he was. My feelings hadn’t cooled off at all, if anything they'd just become deeper and more desperate over time. That stupid kiss was a perfect example.

“I know and you shouldn’t censor yourself around me and your mating ceremony is coming up. That will probably kill me. I want you to choose me.” I said pitifully.

In lieu of any response that could possibly take away my pain he just looked at me. My anguish mirrored in his eyes.

“Maybe I should leave. Maybe that’s a really good idea.” I said, letting the idea grow on me.

He shook his head slowly, but I could already feel his wolf’s sadness. He knew how this would play out. Still I said, “Then tell me to stay. Say it like you mean it. Choose me.”

A lonely tear ran down his cheek, he wiped it off with the back of his hand.  “I can’t choose you. You know all the reasons why. I’m sorry.”

That was the moment I realized that if I wanted to keep him then I had to go. We would destroy each other if we stayed in this torturous place with all these raw emotions tearing us apart. He was the rock I kept hitting myself against and I was the tide trying to pull him out to the sea.

I hated the thought. It scared me senseless but I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I ever forced him to use that hard voice of authority again and chances were I would. Tommy being Tommy he would try to make me feel better until I pushed too far again. The way he had let the kiss evolve and tried to kiss me back showed that with brutal clarity.

I had become so used to dealing with the longing that I didn’t really notice when it became this self-destructive. I’ll admit that I would have kept doing it to myself, in many ways I still am, but the moment where I realized that I wasn’t the only one I hurt, I made the decision.

“I can’t be here right now. I’m going home.” I said brokenly.

I’ve never done anything so difficult and hard as I did that night when I turned my back on him and started my way home. Knowing that there was a chance it could be the last time I saw him.

“We’ll talk more tomorrow okay?”

“Yeah.” I lied.

“We’ll figure this out.” Tommy said from behind me, letting me go.

That was the last time I saw him.

Feeling exhausted and numb I went home and packed the most important stuff I needed to survive a few days on my own. Then I told my mom everything. She wasn’t happy about it but understood my reasons for leaving and promised never to tell the rest of the pack why I left.

I stopped by the Ratliff house and climbed the tree outside Tommy’s room and as quiet as possible I let myself in. For a minute I stood frozen, overwhelmed by sadness and bittersweet memories before putting a note on his dresser. I looked around, my eyes finding the white Fender and hoping he would think of me when he played it in the future. Then I spotted his favorite scarf lying on his bed. On a quick impulse I lifted it up and buried my nose in it, inhaling his scent. Tears were welling up in my eyes so I put the scarf in my backpack and whispered a goodbye to the room. To Tommy.

 

Tommy.

I had to leave and I‘m not coming back. I love you too much  to stay. We’ll destroy each other if I do. You don’t want me the way I need you to and my wolf won’t settle for anything less. I’ll push, you’ll give but never enough and we’ll hurt each other endlessly.

This isn’t me running away with my tail between my legs but I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted you to pick me over Mia or the pack. I still do. Pick me and I’ll come back in a heartbeat.

I’ll always be yours,

Trent.

 

^v^

I knew things changed a week ago. I could feel it in my bones. My wolf’s heart was breaking all over again and now it seems I’m going home. Not to be with Tommy but to welcome his destined mate. The human he imprinted on. A man.

I don’t know how to do that, but he needs me to so I will. What I do know is that I’m too excited to see him again.

This might be the end of me. Wish me luck?