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Of course I don’t want to fucking die!
That was what he’d yelled over the screaming rage of the typhoon when he’d reached out and grabbed Angel’s hand anyway. He didn’t even think about it. His shirt was slipping out of his grip and if he didn’t take his hand then Angel was going to die. He saw his brother running back to the house. He saw Himeno’s empty clothes lying crumpled on the cracked concrete. He pulled Angel to his chest and held him tight against the storm.
If you want to die, then go someplace far away from me to do it, please.
He’d closed his eyes and Angel’s hair had fluttered over his face and beyond him was the revving of chainsaws and the booming of explosions, debris crashing to the ground and cries of pain and rage.
I’ve had enough of watching people die in front of my eyes.
It's over now. The storm has died down. Denji has killed Reze. The streets are a mess of fallen buildings and ruined roads and bodies that litter the streets. Aki is alive and he isn’t thankful for that because there’s so little time left anyway. Two months. That’s what he lost when he grabbed Angel’s hand. To anyone else that might seem like nothing. No time at all. People would lose more of their lifespan smoking a pack of cigarettes, probably. But the Curse Devil told him he had two years left, and two months is one hell of a cut.
He lights a cigarette and puts it to his lips as they walk down the street to the shitty hotel they’ve been booked into for the night. They’ll be needed tomorrow and they can’t go home yet, not until this is all resolved and Denji turns back up. Beam will bring him back. Aki isn’t worried – not yet, anyway. He holds his lighter out so Angel can lean forward and light his own cigarette before he slips it back into his pocket.
“Aki,” says Angel. His eyes are downcast, looking at the ground where he places his feet.
“I have the keys,” he pulls them out and dangles them from a finger. “We’re good for the night.”
“We’re to meet Makima at dawn.”
“I know.”
There’s no one manning the front desk when they stub out their cigarettes and go inside, so they head up the stairs in silence, Angel following Aki. The room looks too much like the one in the hotel where he fought the Eternity Devil. Two queen beds. A desk. Bathroom off to the side. He remembers Himeno teasing everyone in that fucked up way of hers. I want you to cry for me when I die.
He sits down on the edge of the bed and leans his elbows on his knees with a sigh. There’s a creak of the mattress as Angel crawls onto the other one. It’s dark outside and neither of them bothered to switch on the light in here. The glow of the city shines through a crack in the curtains; the yellow and white gleams of streetlights, the blue and red of sirens, the orange of distant fires.
“Aki,” Angel says, his voice quiet.
Through the walls there’s the muffled sounds of people in other rooms. The indecipherable buzz of conversation and laughter. The thudding footsteps above. Raised voices locked in arguments. Outside is the sound of cars. Police and fire engines and ambulances. The aftermath of battle.
“What is it?” Aki glances over at him. Angel’s kicked his shoes off and is lying on his front on the bed, arms folded and chin resting on the back of his hands. His hair is messy from the storm, lying loose and tangled about his shoulders. The dull yellow light from his halo shines down on him, casting his face in shadow.
“I told you that I’ve always been ready to die.”
“I know you did,” Aki sighs. “I didn’t want to see that.”
“Yeah.” Angel shifts on the bed, burying his feet under the pillows. “Sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry,” Aki says. It’s the kind of thing he’s used to seeing in this line of work. He’s never been particularly concerned about his own impending doom either – at least, he wasn’t until Denji and Power came along – as long as he gets to kill the Gun Devil first. It doesn’t surprise him that Angel’s okay with dying. Devil first and angel second, that’s what people say about him. Aki isn’t so convinced, even if Angel says it himself.
“Don’t touch me again,” says Angel.
“I wasn’t planning on it.” Aki looks sideways at him and pulls out another cigarette. It’s not going to be lung cancer that kills him no matter how hard he tries. He holds it in his lips and lights it.
“Can I have one?” Angel pushes himself to his knees and leans forward.
“Don’t you have your own?”
“No.”
Aki takes the one from his mouth and holds it out to him. Angel takes it carefully, placing his index finger and thumb as far from Aki’s as he can, and brings it to his lips. He keeps his eyes on Aki as he inhales. Indirect kiss, Aki thinks and then rolls his eyes at himself. A childish thought. Where did that come from? He thinks he can remember Denji saying something about an indirect kiss with Makima once. He also thinks he can remember being somewhat annoyed by that at the time. He supposes this’ll be as close as he comes to touching Angel again, unless he’s desperate to lose some more of his lifespan.
“You’re not worried those things will kill you?” Angel says as Aki lights himself another cigarette.
“Not at all,” says Aki, feeling the burn at the back of his throat and the warmth flooding through him. “I know how long I’ve got left.”
“Less, now, because of me.”
“Mm,” Aki hums. He wonders what the end has in store for him that it can come two months sooner than expected. He assumes that this was part of whatever the Curse Devil knew and whatever the Future Devil saw. He thinks that Future probably laughed when he saw Aki reaching out for Angel’s hand in the typhoon. A human sacrificing themselves to save a devil. Funny. “It’s going to happen soon, anyway. I’d rather not see anyone die in the meantime.”
“Anyone.”
“Certain people.”
“Certain devils?”
“Right.” He goes back and forth on a regular basis about Power. He generally thinks he’d be sad if she died, but tomorrow when he goes home and sees whatever state his apartment is in, he thinks he’ll probably be praying for her demise. A smile threatens to tug at his lips. He pushes it down. Violence isn’t so bad, either, or Beam. Denji doesn’t count. “Certain devils.”
The bed is surprisingly soft beneath him, but he doesn’t feel like sleeping. The objective of them being here was so that he could get some rest before they have to meet Makima and before they proceed with wherever it is they go from here now that Reze’s gone. There’s no way he can sleep, though. He’s still too wired from everything that just happened, adrenaline still coursing through his veins from the fight. He’s having to stop himself from bouncing his leg just to get the energy out. He’ll probably start pacing around the room soon.
There’s a part of him as well that doesn’t want to sleep because of how much time that would waste. He has less than two years left. Can he really afford to lose another few hours? He reaches up and pulls his hair free from its topknot, letting it fall around his shoulders. He runs a hand through it, finger-combing through the knots.
“I can do that for you.” Angel hops off the bed and goes to the tray of disposable toiletries that’s been left for them on the desk, picking up a flimsy plastic hairbrush and holding it up for inspection.
Aki shrugs and nods, and Angel climbs up behind him on the bed, his knees brushing Aki’s back through fabric. Shirt, jacket, trousers. Three layers. Pretty safe. Angel puts the brush to his hair and pulls it through, gently tugging the knots apart. It’s strangely soothing, the feeling of the plastic bristles digging into his scalp, the pull on his hair as he untangles it. Aki closes his eyes and takes another drag of his cigarette. Maybe he will fall asleep after all.
“You’re tense,” Angel says, resting a hand on his shoulder.
“No shit.” Aki glances back at him. “You’re not?”
Angel shrugs and takes a drag of his cigarette, blowing smoke up towards the ceiling before he hands it to Aki. “I don’t want this.”
“You asked for it.”
“I’m done with it.”
“I already have one,” Aki says, holding his up.
Angel reaches back and grabs an ashtray from the nightstand and holds it out to him. Aki stubs it out with a sigh and takes Angel’s. Indirect kiss. That worming thought coming from somewhere deep in his brain again. Indirect kiss, like Denji and Makima. Once again that part doesn’t bother him so much. It’s not as though Makima actually likes Denji. He puts the cigarette that’s touched Angel’s lips to his own and inhales, tasting smoke and trying to discern what other taste might be there. Angel likes to eat ice cream and human flesh. Is that what he would taste like? He glances back over his shoulder again.
“What are you staring at?” Angel pulls the brush away from his hair and drops it down onto the mattress.
You, Aki thinks. He doesn’t say it, though. He’s a devil first. He shrugs instead. “I don’t know.” He brings the cigarette to his lips but it doesn’t taste of anything other than cigarettes. “We should have got some ice cream.”
“Yeah. I’m not going out now, though.”
Of course not, he’s too lazy. Aki is expecting him to go and lie down again now that he’s dropped the brush but he doesn’t. He rests his hands on both of Aki’s shoulders. Shirt and jacket. Two layers. Kind of safe. Angel squeezes.
“You’re really tense.”
“Tense day.”
“Want help?”
“You don’t have to.” On the wall opposite he can see their silhouettes, illuminated by the light of the city and Angel’s halo. He can see them connected like one being. His hunched shoulders, slim cigarette in hand. Angel’s wings folded, arms reaching down to touch him. He breathes in deeply and tries to slow his heart rate. It still feels like he’s just thrown back a double espresso, and what was relaxing a minute ago isn’t so relaxing now.
“I know.”
Angel’s fingers dig into the muscles of his shoulders and he rubs a circle with his thumb. Aki bites his lip to stop a noise of satisfaction from escaping. He doesn’t think he’s ever been touched like this in his life. Angel’s hands slide down his back, pushing hard against his muscles and forcing the tension out of him. How did a devil learn something like this? He wonders if it was from wherever he was before Public Safety got a hold of him. Maybe it’s from after, something they trained him to do for some reason. But, no, they wouldn’t want to give him ideas about touching people. Besides, Angel’s far too lazy to want to learn this kind of thing. Which begs the question: why is he doing this now? Aki doesn’t know why he’s doing it and he doesn’t know why he’s letting him. Angel’s hands come back up to his shoulders and squeeze again.
“You lost two months,” Angel says in a low voice, “saving me.”
“You said that already,” Aki points out. His cigarette is almost finished. He holds it up over his shoulder. “Put that out for me?”
Angel takes it from him and Aki can see by his shadow that before he reaches back to stub it out he takes one last drag. Another kiss. Then his hands come back to Aki’s shoulders and he can feel a knot in the pit of his stomach.
“You don’t have long left.”
“I’m aware.” It’s fine, it’s fine, as long as he gets to kill the Gun Devil first. It’s fine. It’s all he wants to do. He told Himeno as much the first time they met in the cemetery years ago, back when she was the one who didn’t want to watch people she cared about die in front of her.
“Don’t you think you should spend the time you have left living your life?”
“Do you think that?” Aki frowns. Angel doesn’t care about what humans get up to with their lives. He doesn’t know why he’d be asking such a thing. Surely he hasn’t gone all sentimental just because Aki saved him once. He saved Aki when they first met, blocking a bullet with his wing. They’re even. It’s not up to Angel to save him again if that’s what he’s trying to do. He kind of wants another cigarette, even though he’s only just finished one. Mostly to take his mind off whatever it is that’s happening right now. Partly because he wants to see if Angel will take it from him again.
“You’re young,” says Angel. “There’s a lot you haven’t done. Probably.”
“I’ve done enough,” he lies. He’s done what he needed to do. Get in with Public Safety. Make his goals clear. Gun Devil. That’s what he wants. He doesn’t need anything else. He doesn’t need to do anything with the time he has left. Maybe housetrain Power. He snorts; like that would be possible.
“What’re you laughing at?”
“Power.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t you want to do anything with your life?”
“My life is what Public Safety wants it to be,” says Angel. His hands drift lightly down Aki’s back and pause at his hips. “I don’t want anything.”
Except to die, Aki thinks. Makima told him that Angel was found in an empty village after he’d killed all the inhabitants. Maybe he wants to die because of what he did there. He’s a devil first. Did he block that bullet because he had to, or because Aki had handed him his handkerchief and not shied away from him?
Angel leans against him and slides his arms around Aki’s waist, resting his chin on his shoulder with a sigh. Aki closes his eyes and feels the weight of him on his back. He’s warm and solid. Like a person would be. With his eyes closed he could pretend that Angel isn’t a devil. That he’s something else. Someone else. He opens his eyes again and finds his silhouette on the wall. He’s not sure he would want him to be someone else. Not right now, anyway.
“You don’t want anything,” Aki repeats in a low voice.
“I want to not work,” says Angel.
“Nothing else?”
Angel hums noncommittally and his hands move lower, coming to rest on Aki's thighs. His fingers scrape against the fabric. One layer. Less safe. “Nothing.”
So many people have died tonight. People Aki’s never met. Faces he’s never seen before, names he doesn’t know. He’s starting to feel numb from it all and worries that one day there will be a fight and people will die and he’ll feel nothing at all. He doesn’t want that to happen. Himeno didn’t want that to happen to him. He doesn’t want it to happen to Denji. Do devils worry about this sort of thing, he wonders? Is that what Angel’s doing now, trying to feel something?
“If you want something,” Aki says slowly. “Tell me.”
“I think I want you to make the most of the time you have left,” Angel says, his hands sliding slowly up the inside of Aki’s thighs.
“This is because I saved you?” Aki parts his legs automatically, making room for Angel to bring his hands higher. He can feel his hair brushing his face, feel the heat of his breath on his skin.
“No. I told you I was ready to die.” Angel rests a hand on his crotch and lifts his chin from his shoulder, shuffling closer to him so he’s pressed right up against Aki’s back.
“Then why?”
“I want this.” Angel’s voice is low, and with him so close Aki can feel that he wants this. “Do you?”
Yes, he wants this. Angel’s touch on his shoulders and then his back and now his cock has stirred up desire deep inside him that he didn’t even realise was there. He leans back against Angel and nods, closing his eyes as he feels his hand start to move. Slowly. Tentatively. It doesn’t feel like he’s done this before. Maybe he hasn’t. He palms his cock through his trousers, feeling the shape of it and stroking up the length as Aki grits his teeth to stifle a moan.
Working his way up the ladder in Public Safety. Finding the Gun Devil. These are the things that have occupied his mind since that day all those years ago. He hasn’t had time to consider anything like this. He hasn’t been able to think about things like desire and need. Of all the devils in the world, he wouldn’t have expected Angel to think about it either, but he can feel his hardness pressing into the small of his back and his touch as light as a feather over his dick. He wants more. He wants Angel’s hand wrapped around the shaft of his cock. He wants his mouth on him, lips touching him like they touched the cigarette they shared. He wants to be inside him. His head lolls back and rests against Angel’s shoulder and his hips twitch up into his hand. Angel says something he can’t hear.
“What was that?” he asks.
“I said my arms are getting tired.”
“Oh.”
“We can do it, if you want.”
“Oh.” Aki lifts his head and blinks. He doesn’t want Angel to stop. He really doesn’t want Angel to stop. It’s typical of him that his arms are tired. “How?” he asks, because he can’t think of a way they could fuck without it killing him, and he can’t afford to lose any more of his pittance of a lifespan. “I don’t want to die.”
“I don’t want you to die.” Angel says. Even though he said his arms were getting tired, he’s still stroking his cock. “There’s condoms in the nightstand.”
“You looked for condoms in the nightstand?” Aki blinks. “When?”
“I didn’t. This is a seedy hotel. Of course there’s condoms in the nightstand.” Angel’s hand comes to a stop and he squeezes gently. “You’ll still have to be careful.”
“I think I can be careful,” Aki says, and he doesn’t know if he means it or he just wants this more than he thought he would. Where has this come from? He cares about Angel – of course he does, he saved his life at the expense of his own – but he hasn’t looked at him in this way before. Is it because of the battle? Maybe this is just because of the adrenaline still leaching its way out of his body or because when he closes his eyes he can still see the afterimages of explosions and buildings collapsing into rubble.
But then Angel pulls away from him to stand up and Aki turns to watch him bend over the nightstand to pull the drawer open and he knows that there’s something there, that this is more than just the battle. His wings are white like—no, not like that. His wings are white like fluffy clouds on a sunny day. The light of his halo shines down on his hair and lights it up like fire and when he glances back at Aki his eyes glow too. He shrugs his jacket off and tosses it over onto the other bed but keeps everything else on, taking something from the drawer and holding it out for Aki to inspect.
Condoms and lubricant. A seedy hotel indeed. Did Public Safety do this on purpose? Did they see Aki grab Angel’s hand and pull him close to his chest and know that this would be what they’d do?
He kicks his shoes off and crawls onto the bed. Angel follows and kneels in front of him, head tilted expectantly. Aki reaches for his belt and undoes the buckle with shaky hands, pulling it from the loops and dropping it onto the floor. His fingers brush over the front of Angel’s trousers, his cock pressing up against the fabric and he feels down the length of it, stroking it until he elicits a gasp from Angel.
“Can you keep doing that?” Angel says, voice shaky as he picks up the lube and coats his fingers in it. Aki nods and he pulls his pants down a little, just enough so that his cock is still covered as he reaches back to slide a finger into himself.
Aki watches, hypnotised, and his hand twitches because he should be the one doing that. Angel has one hand on his shoulder and is looking down at the bedsheet. Aki moves his hand slowly, finding the shape of his dick through the fabric with his fingers and moving his hand up and down. His other hand goes to Angel’s hip to hold him steady and he wishes he could move his hand two inches upwards and hold onto his bare skin. Angel’s hair flops forward over his face and it flutters with his panting breaths. Careful not to touch him, Aki moves it out of the way and pulls his sleeve over his hand so he can tilt Angel’s chin up and look at him. His lips are parted, his skin flushed and his eyes half-lidded as their gazes meet and Aki feels the unbearable hardness of his cock pressing against his trousers.
“Okay,” Angel says.
“Okay?”
“I’m ready.”
“Oh,” Aki brushes his hands down Angel’s arms and holds him there for a second. He could lean down right now and kiss him. He looks like he wants to be kissed. What would it take from him – one month? One week? It might be worth it. He leans in a little closer.
“Aki, don’t.”
“Right.” Aki blinks and pulls back. “Right,” he says again, more to himself than to Angel. His hand goes to his cock again and gives it another stroke and Angel holds up the condom. He takes it from him and Angel licks his lips as he pulls his belt from his trousers and unzips them, tearing open the package with his teeth and rolling the condom down onto his dick. Angel nods when it’s on and Aki exhales slowly. “Turn around?”
“Don’t touch me,” he says as he does so, propping himself up on his hands and knees and looking back at Aki over his shoulder.
“I know.”
“Try and remember.”
Aki snorts as if that’s something he could possibly forget and puts a hand on Angel’s hip, hooking a finger into his waistband to pull his pants down a bit further. Angel’s hand reaches back to take hold of his dick and guides him in, nodding when he’s pressed against his hole. Aki gasps when he feels how tight he is around his cock, grabbing Angel’s hips – covered by his shirt – with both hands and pushing in slowly. He only unzipped his trousers just enough to pull his cock out so when he’s all the way inside he’s still shielded by the fabric, but he’s not sure he even cares right now how dangerous this is. He didn’t expect it to feel like this, so tight and warm. Angel lowers himself onto his elbows, arching his back, and glances over his shoulder again with an expectant look in his eyes.
“You can move,” he whispers.
“Yeah,” says Aki, breathing out slowly. He thinks if he moves he might come in about two seconds. Angel pushes back against him and he lets out a grunt. “Angel. Give me a minute.”
“I’m not doing all the work here.”
“I know,” he digs his fingers into Angel’s hips and starts to move, pulling out slowly and sliding back inside him. Angel clenches around him and rests his chin on his hands, hair falling about his shoulders and shining in the light of his halo.
Aki moves again, finding a rhythm and speeding up, plunging into Angel over and over and keeping his grip firm on his hips to pull him against him. His heart is thudding in his chest even more than it was during the battle and butterflies are fluttering in his stomach. His face feels hot and flushed and his breathing turns into panting.
Angel buries his face in the pillow and lets out a muffled whine, pushing himself back against Aki as he thrusts into him. His wings twitch, unfolding ever so slightly as they do. Aki reaches around and feels for his cock and finds it still covered by his trousers. Lucky, because he was hardly even thinking of that. He strokes it through the fabric and feels the growing dampness of his pre-come leaking into his underwear.
Angel stifles a moan and lifts his head to look back at him, flushed and gasping. “Aki,” he says, breathless. “There.”
Aki nods and with one hand on Angel’s hip and the other on his cock he thinks back to half an hour ago when he was musing over their indirect kiss like he had some sort of childish crush. This is better. After the heightened emotions of the battle and the sacrifice he made he needs this release and Angel does as well. They’ve been through too much already and they’re probably going to go through more with whatever the dawn brings. He slams into him, fucking him hard, and Angel whines into the mattress and Aki groans as he feels himself about to go over the edge. He squeezes Angel’s cock through two layers of fabric and Angel’s saying something to him, muffled by the pillow, that Aki thinks might be I’m coming, and he’s pretty sure it is because he can feel it in his hand, warm and damp and leaking through the material. Angel’s wings flap and his ass clenches around his cock and Aki grabs Angel’s hips with both hands now, thrusting into him again and again – and then one last time as he finishes inside him, fingers digging in and gasping out Angel’s name.
He pulls out of him slowly, legs shaking, and collapses onto his back. He tosses away the condom, zips his pants back up and looks over to see Angel doing the same thing before lowering himself onto his front next to Aki.
“You okay?” Aki asks, turning onto his side and reaching out to put his hand on his back.
“I’m a devil,” Angel says, as if that answers anything. He sighs. “That was good, Aki.”
“Uh, thanks.” Aki strokes his hand up Angel’s back and then lifts his arm. “Come here?”
Angel nods and shuffles closer, letting Aki wrap his arms around him. He rests his head against his chest and Aki wonders if he’s listening to his heartbeat, still racing away. He wedges a leg between Aki’s thighs and his breathing slows, and Aki realises that he’s fallen asleep. A devil falling asleep in the arms of a human. The thought makes him smile. Angel first, devil second, he thinks. A wave of affection rushes through him and he presses a kiss to the top of his head, Angel’s hair the only barrier between his lips and the deadly touch of his skin. Tiredness is finally creeping up on him so he holds Angel tighter and closes his eyes as well.
He wakes up when he feels Angel pulling away from him. His eyes snap open and he sees him looking down at him. The dim light of dawn is shining through into the room, bathing everything in a wan grey and pink. Angel’s halo is the only warm light in the room, a soft golden yellow like honey. Angel tilts his head and his hair slips forward over his shoulder.
“Hey,” Aki says. He wants to reach up and brush the hair away from his face. Instead, he rolls onto his back and winces when he feels pins and needles shooting through the arm he was lying on.
“Hey.” Angel lowers himself again, lying on his side and draping his arm over Aki’s chest. “It’s dawn.”
“We have to go?”
Angel nods and Aki sighs. He doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t want to leave this room. It’s warm and comforting, even though it smells like sweat and sex. They could both use a shower. He wants to shower and then come back to bed and lie here with Angel in his arms. He looks at him, resting his head on Aki’s shoulder now and gazing up at him.
“Aki,” Angel says, “you should stay here, actually.”
“What?” Aki frowns. “I thought we both had to go and meet—I thought we both had to go?”
Angel shakes his head. “We both don’t have to. I’ll go. In a minute. But you should stay here and get some rest.”
“I’ll go with you,” Aki says and makes a move to get up, but Angel is dead weight on top of him. He sighs and shakes his head again.
“Will you wait here for me? I won’t be long.” He pauses. “I just want you to get some rest.”
“You should rest as well, though,” Aki says, trailing his fingers along Angel’s sleeve.
“I will. I’ll come back here, after.”
Aki considers it. He is still tired. Exhausted, actually. He would’ve stayed asleep if he hadn’t felt Angel moving away from him, the disappearance of that comforting warm weight in his arms. When Angel gets back he’s sure that he’ll have news of what’s happened and what they have to do next. He should really get some sleep while he actually has a chance. And Angel will come back after. He strokes his fingers along his sleeve again.
“Okay,” he says.
Angel nods and lifts his head, pausing so that he can look down and take in Aki’s face. Aki wonders what he’s seeing. Tired eyes and messy hair, probably. What he’s seeing is Angel’s eyes, bright in the light of his halo. His hair falling down and tickling Aki’s cheek. His lips, slightly parted like he’s going to say something. His lips, only a couple of inches from Aki’s face. He could kiss him. He could wind his fingers into his hair and pull his face down to his and kiss him. It would be quick. A couple of seconds. How bad could it really be? He thinks that kissing Angel right now would be worth losing a week. He thinks that it would be worth losing a month. How long could they kiss for? He thinks he could lose another two months, maybe. Future must have seen this. Future must know what he’s going to do. He thought it might be worth it last night. He thinks it’s definitely worth it now. He lifts his hand to reach for him.
“Aki, don’t,” whispers Angel, the slightest furrow between his brows. “Please. Don’t do it.”
His hand stops in midair. Angel looks at him with pleading eyes and gives him an almost imperceptible shake of his head. Aki wants to kiss him, but Angel doesn’t want him to lose any more of his life. Aki sighs and closes his eyes. He nods and lets his hand drop back down onto the mattress.
He won’t do it.
Angel gets up from the bed and makes a perfunctory effort to clean up before he leaves and Aki curls up on the bed, pulling the covers over himself so he can go back to sleep. Angel was right. It would be a mistake to lose more of his dwindling lifespan for a kiss.
He’s glad he didn’t do it.
He is.
But when the time comes, far – or not so far – in the future, he will wish he did. He will smell the salt of the sea in the air and hear the crashing of the waves against the beach and he will wish he took that chance. He will remember this night and this morning and everything he felt will come flooding back from where it was buried deep down for one blissful, awful second before the contract overtakes him and before he blacks out he will turn and catch sight of the horror in Angel’s eyes.
He will feel the burning, mounting pressure of the barrel of the gun pressing against his skull from the inside, forcing its way through the bone. He will feel himself slipping away and something else taking hold of him and before he is lost forever he will remember this, inches from Angel’s face, exhausted and satisfied and wanting something new for the first time in a long time. Time will slow down and he will reach for Angel’s face and Angel will say Aki, don’t. Please don’t do it.
So, he won’t. He will let Angel go and he will let himself go and that evil thing will take him over and Aki will fall away. The blizzard will surround him and he will forget everything except how much fun the snow can be.
“Denji,” he will say, feeling the biting cold wind on his nose. He will look down and pick up some snow, packing it solidly in his hands and smiling with childish glee, and he will turn to grin at his friend. “Let’s have a snowball fight!”