Chapter Text
“I always felt insecure and in the way, but most of all I felt scared. I guess I wanted love more than anything else in the world.” - Marilyn Monroe
Eren has had enough.
It was that time between dusk and midnight that the voices in Erens’ head seemed to grow in volume and repetition, they didn’t haunt him per-say, they stung. Like a murder in the middle of the night, like a knife to the back, it was ironic how these voices repeated what their owners had said to Eren’s face, it was a knife to the face, their laughter only induced the maroon viscous blood rushing into his cheeks, spilling over the rim of his eyes.
How could they? But also, why wouldn’t they?
It had started off quite… innocent perhaps. A few compliments here and there, a little teasing and light praising that had Eren smiling and laughing carelessly, how could he have known? He knew nothing of these sorts; flirting? Cat calls? It flew up, around and flapped dancing right over his head and he didn’t notice, he didn’t understand. He’d wanted to be a soldier, that’s all he knew he wanted, all he could remember wanting, the want shoveled chunks out of his chest and nested there, not allowing any thing ever but it, or anyone. Anyone until—
No.
He’s had enough. He really has, it could’ve been avoided grudgingly, he can turn a blind eye, hey! He can bite his tongue! But for those of his close circle, for the ones he had trained with, laughed, and teased to notice? And agree? No, no Eren Jäger had a plan, and go with it he will. He is hot hotted as is, if he opened his mouth hell would erupt in the survey corps, he has had enough incidents of heavy scolding, (and exhausting long laps that left him almost feverish), and disappointed looks from The Captain that left him biting his lips till they bled with guilt and shame. No, he’s a grown man now, his last birthday marked him so, but it had also marked him as target of words so sharp his titan healing won’t ever heal.
It had started on a March's warm and breezy morning, the 30th to be exact, he was awakened by Armin hopping on his bunk and ruffling his bed head hair, Mikasa standing the door way with a small smile gracing her lips, wishing him a quiet but warm happy birthday. Before then Eren never really cared for his looks, his attire or hair, letting it grow rebelliously to cover his ears, he liked how he looked, but what he hadn’t expected was for others to care.
He had gone down to the mess hall for breakfast expecting birthday greetings and a little teasing from his friends, and he got that, but he also got something he did not expect or sign up for. Older comrades and subordinates he used to lightly joke with, look up to with their experience and techniques with the ODM gear, were all looking at him, and it was ok! He’s been stared at before but this time was...different. it was odd and ogling, it made him feel dirty and made his skin break out in goosebumps, like their eyes balls were crawling under his skin and rolling down to his shy, covered parts. The moment he sat down an older officer and a friend of commander Erwin approached him with a too friendly smile,
“Morning Jäger, we heard it was your birthday?”
Eren had smiling politely and nodded, “Yes sir.”
The officers hand found his shoulder and weighted it down, squeezing almost desperately.
“And it’ll be your…?”
He felt Mikasa stiffen next to him but he paid her no mind and smiled with a little naïve nod, “My eighteenth, sir”
“Ah,” Breathed the older man, his hot breath fanning his nape uncomfortably, “Officially an adult then, Eren?” his hand instead of loosening, seemed to squeeze his shoulder tighter making him wince internally.
“Well, happy birthday Eren, and for more to come.” The man winked -winked! – and left Eren to his friends. Eren shrugged it off then and started at his food while Mikasa was looking on edge,
“I don’t like the way he said your name,” Mikasa finally said as the man walked away and out of earshot, “he sounded creepy.” Her low and grim tone making him do a double-take but he laughed it off, telling her to calm down, lying that he found it nice, that maybe as he hit eighteen in age the officers and other soldiers saw him as a man and a strong, brave soldier, not some hot-tempered teenager wanting and trying desperately to prove himself worthy of the survey corps , but one who has finally earned it. Mikasa, letting out a grumble of anxious concern rolled her eyes at his feeble attempt to groom his ego and shook her head, little did Eren know then that this would be the least weird encounter he’d be facing that darned day.
During breakfast and after, he received rather lingering pats on the back and rough hair ruffles accompanied with birthday wishes, the sensual and flirting tones flew over his head and it became a curse as it soon got around by the end of the day that he took up to compliments and flirting gestures like a girl, someone had even dared said like a whore. Eren started hearing these whispered filthy assumptions and twists of truth as he ate dinner, making his face pale and for his chewing to stop as he tasted copper on his teeth, only when Mikasa called his name loudly did he come to his senses and realise he had been biting too hard on his tongue, too hard his teeth had cut it clean through, his anger took ahold of him and he pushed the bench he sat on with the back of his knees and stood up, foaming at the mouth with anger as he heard the men continue to laugh and cat call him, he banged his fits on the table making the plates clatter, only to hear someone whistle,
“Slutty ass, Jäger.”
With a low growl he spins on his heels so fast he almost knocks himself on his ass, seething and face crimson with liquid anger, he faces the other soldiers who were sharing amused looks and stared him up and down,
The audacity…
“Listen here you disgusting lying fucks-“
“Eren,”
The stern familiar voice made his jaw snap shut involuntary, his eyes snapping open from their narrowed state and looking around to find the owner of that voice, locating him as he puts down his teacup and gets up swiftly and gracefully. They lock eyes and the captain jerks his head to the side, indicating he wants him to ‘shut up and follow me out.’ He debates not obeying, thinks about the consequences,
Consequences be damned! This is my pride! My honor!
He can see it, the blood on his knuckles, the salvia foaming at his mouth as he pants, the horrified looks from everyone in the room, Mikasa’s voice chanting his name loudly as in prayer to banish the devil, to make him stop, the reputation he built of growing into an adult, not the teenager with uncontrollable anger issues vanishing and crumbling like a letter that took so long to write and too much effort to perfect, the soldier who dared to speak of him in an improper manner, so dirtily, laying on the floor, breath coming in short spurts and gasps as it evens out abruptly, the high ranking officers looking t him with rage and shinning blades, his friends staggering back in fear, his vision blurry as shouts and orders and clanks of iron fill the space around his head, his—
“-ren, BRAT!”
The captains voice booming in his ear, along with Armin’s sharp elbow punching the air out of his ribs startles him out the possible scenario that could’ve erupted hell in the corps.
“Sir—?”
He is cut off by the captain grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and dragging him out of the mess hall and down the corridor to his room in dungeon, the captain is the picture of calm if not for his already pale knuckles whitening further with his unyielding grip on Eren uniform, making Eren stumble after him.
The captain had started talking just as they near the dungeon stairs,
“Didn’t they teach you anything about respect for the higher-ranking officers during training, brat?”
His question takes Eren off guard, he never took the captain for one to speak of the importance of respect towards the higher ranks, seeing as—
Cutting off his thoughts, the captain drags him into his cell and releases his hold on Eren’s shirt just as suddenly and closes the door.
And locks it.
Wha-? “What? Captain! Why are you locking—”
“As much as I’d like to believe you grew up kid, I don’t like to trust a still hormonal being with an angry swarm of soldiers and officers you just cursed at like a little shit.”
“But sir—!”
“No. sleep Eren, that’s an order.” And what can he possibly say to such an order said coldly? He felt his cheeks burn is anger and embarrassment, his red anger fogged brain making him stupid enough to think he can fight back, he grips the metal bars of his cell door and shakes them with such strength and rage it makes the captain stand still in his tracks,
“How could you? They— they were insulting me! Saying d-dirty things!” he hated himself for stuttering but he just couldn’t stop, “I was defending myself, I was going to fuck them up—”
His captain’s glare shook him into silence, he held his breath as his eyes racked over him in filthy disgust, “Don’t get yourself into messes you can’t get out of.” And with that he ascended the stairs back to the mess hall.
Eren stumbled back, replaying the events of the day since its beginning in his head before the back of his knees hit the bed and he sprawled against it, a few tears stung his eyes but he wouldn’t let them fall, holding the last remains of a pride he thinks he has left.
He had since learnt to keep silent.
But not all actions were words, were they? Not the actions he had planned anyway.
Eren Jäger has a plan.
It has been two weeks of shame and cutting words and flirting techniques he never knew before it was forced on him for being… him.
Till the morning, just wait till the morning.