Archive of Our Own

Falling in love with Erwin is a slow burn, something that happens over time without Levi even realizing it until it's too late, until he's in too deep. It isn't something that happens overnight, shortly after joining the Survey Corps and realizing his Commander's strength, bravery and intelligence. No, while those are things that Levi notices about Erwin, that's not why he falls in love with him, and it most certainly doesn't happen right away. It creeps in when he least expects it, on quiet nights spent together in Erwin's office, Erwin doing paperwork and Levi sitting on his sofa because he wanted somewhere peaceful to go, but didn't want to be alone with his thoughts. It happens on afternoons when Erwin offers him a cup of his favorite tea before Levi even has to ask, or on nights when Erwin is too engrossed in his work to eat, and Levi will bring him food from the mess hall and set it on top of his paperwork. Levi falls in love with Erwin slowly, when he looks up from his work with a knowing smile on his face, thanking Levi for looking out for him when he forgets to look out for himself.

There isn't really an exact moment when Levi realizes that he's in love with Erwin, but if he had to think of one, it would be on a night when he came to spend some quiet time in his Commander's office, only to find him asleep at his desk. And even then, it doesn't hit him hard, but instead is a slow realization. It isn't lightning, but more of a slow burning fire, gradually taking over every piece of his body over time.

Levi is in love with Erwin, he knows it, but he pushes it down, doesn't think or act on it, only dwelling on the thought when he's alone in his own quarters, wondering how it got so out of hand. It's a selfless love, and Levi knows that he'd do anything for Erwin, follow any order without question, no matter how reckless, even if it lead to his own demise. Levi doesn't like to admit it, but his feelings for Erwin, no matter how much he may push them down, also spur him onward. It gives him fire, something more to fight for, even if he may never act on it, even if Erwin never returns the sentiment.

Levi's feelings and trust for Erwin are what ultimately land him where he is now, departing on quite possibly the coldest expedition beyond the walls that he has ever been on. Normally, the Survey Corps spends the late fall and winter months training, raising funds for more expeditions, but this is a different expedition all together. This is something that Erwin and Hange have been planning in secret, setting aside funds for months for. It was a little less than a year ago that Hange noticed - while observing the titans near the wall - that titans seem to move considerably slower in the cold, making them easy to study, and more importantly (and the reason why they’re embarking on a secret expedition) easier to catch.

Hange wants to catch a titan and bring it back inside the walls to study, and apparently, Erwin believes in her, so naturally, Levi does too. Or well, he trusts Erwin enough to go along with the plan.

It’s late October, and fall is quickly fading into winter. This time of the year, the weather is hard to predict - one day, it’ll be warm and sunny, will still feel like summer, and the next, there could be a blizzard. It’s hard to tell and hard to plan, but as the weather starts getting cooler, Hange chooses a date, and Erwin recruits only the Survey Corps' elitist and most trustworthy soldiers for the job.  The group isn’t large by any means - less than a dozen of them leave the walls late that afternoon - but it’s a sufficient size for their intended purpose. Levi thinks it’s stupid and reckless and needlessly risking lives for something that may not even prove to be worth it, but Erwin seems to believe in Hange enough to go through with it. So with a scoff and an offhand comment about how reckless he thinks it may be, he still finds himself at the front of the formation, flanking Erwin’s right while Hange takes his left.

Levi has never really been outside of the walls this time of the year, and he has to admit, it’s rather beautiful. They’ve only seen one small snowfall so far this year, but off in the distance, he can spot some snow dusting the tops of mountains and trees. The leaves that haven’t quite fallen off of the surrounding trees yet paint the landscape in a fiery red and orange, and while the cold air bites at Levi’s cheeks, he can’t help but appreciate the beauty that comes along with fall and winter. These are things that Levi never got to witness, let alone admire when he was living in the underground. Sure, he felt the seasons too, and sometimes saw them come and go when he was above ground for short periods of time, but he never got to witness them like this; dark, overcast skies making everything seem that much brighter against the greys.

But this expedition isn’t about admiring the beautiful scenery - it’s about capturing a titan for Hange to study and hopefully fast enough to get home before his fingers freeze off. Even with a heavier coat and thick gloves, the cold air bites at Levi’s skin, makes him feel more on edge than he already was.

At the speed they ride, the small squad reaches a treeline within no time, though it seems, as they travel onward, that there are no titans to be found. Hange attributes this to the cold, saying that maybe they’ve retreated to find somewhere warmer, and Levi can’t help but worry that this mission is going to take longer than he expected.

About half an hour after leaving the walls, the grey clouds seem to open up, and not long after that, the squad is riding straight into a snowstorm with no intentions of turning back. Another fifteen minutes, and it’s nearly impossible to see a few meters ahead, but still, they press onward. The cold bites at Levi’s skin, and he can he can see the discomfort on his subordinates’ faces, but he doesn’t voice his concerns. If Erwin felt that their safety was at risk, he would call the mission off. He wouldn’t really risk their lives for this, would he?

It’s rare that they don’t run into any titans almost immediately, let alone an hour into their ride, but it’s at just over an hour mark before they spy the first one, and Levi nearly misses the outline of it through the thick and quickly falling snow, but Hange calls out when she spies it as well. Luckily for Hange, it’s a rather small beast, too. Unluckily for the squad, it seems that the cold hasn’t quite affected the titan as much as it affects the larger ones. Even stranger is the titan’s behavior when the group approaches it. Instead of chasing after the horses, like any other titan would do once they came into view through the snow, this one seems to become spooked by the sudden movement, and takes off running through the trees. But Erwin, always quick to adapt, is shouting off orders before Levi can even begin to imagine what to do.

“Hange - you take your group to the left, try to cut it off before it gets out of these trees, or else we won’t be able to use them to our advantage,” he calls, voice stern, commanding, “Mike - take your group and follow its path, see if you can catch up and take out its legs. We need to immobilize this thing. Levi and I will cut it off on the right.”

And with a nod, the squad is breaking off into three sections. Wordlessly, Levi follows Erwin’s command into the (now) blizzard. Visibility is low and this is going to be rough, especially when they don’t necessarily have eyes on their target from where they ride, but Levi trusts Erwin’s judgement. All they need is to get ahead of it, to cut it off in time without killing it so Mike can take out its legs. It’s simple really, but it would be even more so if it weren’t snowing so hard.

Levi wants to ask Erwin if he thinks the titan is an arrebant - that would explain the way it ran away from them, rather than chasing them - but the wind is cold, and he fears that if he opens his mouth, he won’t be able to get any words out. There will be time for questions later when they return to headquarters successful. Right now, he needs to ride fast, stay by Erwin’s side, and follow his orders. Flares will likely be useless in this weather, so they’ll need to stay close and stay on course. If they were to get lost out here in this snow… Well, Levi doesn’t want to think about that. Instead, he just follows Erwin like he always would.

However, things don’t always go according to plan. As it turns out, their path proves to be grown over and full of more obstacles than originally expected. Their horses are agile and well trained, but it slows them down, wears them out a bit. They press onward, but Levi can feel his mare becoming exhausted, high strung and nervous in the new environment.

But Levi keeps his eyes forward, keeps his mind on the mission, and actually, that might be where he goes wrong. Levi doesn’t see what spooks his mare, if it’s another titan or an animal or simply an odd shape off in the distance, but suddenly, she’s pulling to the side, ripping the reins out of his hands and jolting to a stop from a full gallop. Levi knows that he’s coming off of her before it even happens, and he tries to counter it by firing a hook into a nearby tree, but he misses barely, grapple just scraping the bark before anchoring into the snow, and Levi goes down, attempting to brace himself with his free hand when he hits the ground.

The splitting pain in his wrist is almost instantaneous, as is the biting cold of landing face first into the snow, tumbling a few feet before coming to a full stop. It takes Levi a moment to come to his senses and sit up, and when he does, he almost expects to find himself alone in the snow covered woods. He glances around, vision fuzzy from his fall, and for a moment, all he sees is white and grey shadows. His mare is nowhere to be found, and neither is Erwin, and when Levi tries to push himself up off the ground, he cries out from the pain in his wrist. It may be sprained, may be broken, Levi doesn’t know, but he does catch a glimpse of blood in the snow as he finally manages to stand, trying to get his bearings straight.

It isn’t long before Levi spies the figure heading his way in the blizzard and for a moment, he thinks that this is how he’s going to perish - alone in the snow with a fucked up wrist and no horse - but as it comes into view, Levi realizes that it’s only Erwin trotting his way, concern etched into his face.

“Get on,” he calls, reaching a hand down to Levi once he’s close enough. And Levi, mindful of his right wrist, grabs Erwin’s hand with his left, allowing the other man to pull him up and onto his own horse with ease. It isn’t spacious and it certainly isn’t comfortable, crammed in front of Erwin on his saddle, but almost immediately, Levi settles into his warmth. It’s only then that he realizes they aren’t moving, and when he turns to look at Erwin behind him, he seems to be deep in thought, as if planning out their next move.

“I tried firing a flare as soon as you were thrown, but I don’t think anyone will see it,” Erwin says, eyebrows pulled together in thought. “I couldn’t catch her, either. She was gone too fast.”

Levi huffs out a frustrated breath, which comes out in a puffy white cloud before disappearing into the cold. “So what do we do now?” he mutters, “Who knows how far off they are now.”

Erwin hums in what seems like agreement. “If we keep travelling forward, there’s no saying what we’ll come across, and without another horse and your injured wrist, we’ll be unable to fight.”

Levi raises his eyebrows in surprise. He didn’t think that Erwin would catch on to his injury so fast, but he should have known better. The man is Commander for many reasons, and one of those is his observational skills.

“So we turn back?” Levi offers. He doesn’t want to leave his mare out here like this, especially in this weather, but there really aren’t many options. Even though it has only been a few minutes since Levi was thrown, he can't even see the path that they took, the snow completely covering both of their horse's trails. There is no way they could track his mare, and there's no way that they can fight like this, especially with Levi's wrist injured. Honestly, Levi's not even certain that they can make it back to the wall before the storm swallows them whole. His added weight to Erwin's horse will only make travel slower.

“I believe I saw a structure shortly after we split up with the rest of the squad,” Erwin says, “Perhaps we should take shelter for the night and make our way back to the wall in the morning.”

Again, Levi turns in the saddle to shoot Erwin a surprised look. “What about the others?”

“Hange and Mike are smart,” Erwin insists, “They wouldn’t lead their teams any further if it was too risky. I suspect they’ll be turning back soon, too. Maybe we’ll run into them first.”

Levi sighs. He doesn’t want to give up on the mission - he came out here for a fucking reason - but if Erwin thinks they should turn back, then he should listen. Erwin never abandons a mission unless it’s absolutely necessary, so like usual, Levi trusts his judgement, nodding and relaxing as much as he can against him. “Let’s go,” he mutters. And at that, they’re off.

It takes longer to backtrack than it did for them to make the initial journey, both because of the way the snow is coming down and because of Levi’s added weight on Erwin’s saddle, and it takes nearly twenty minutes before Levi thinks he sees a structure off in the distance, in what looks like a grove of trees. “There-” he says, pointing in its direction, “Is that what you saw?”

From where they are, it looks more like a shack than an actual house, but it’s something, and as they approach the building, Levi spies what looks like an adjoining barn, which is good news for both them and Erwin’s horse. And sure enough, once the structure becomes clearer, it’s apparent that the building next to it is a barn, even complete with a fenced-in paddock, which remarkably still looks intact. Wordlessly, Erwin dismounts outside of the building, helping Levi to the ground as well, and after only a brief moment of hesitation, he’s pushing the large, wooden doors open with a loud creak.

Surprisingly, the old barn is still relatively in tact. There are a few holes in the ceiling where the cold wind whistles through the building, almost spooking Erwin’s horse, and a couple of rats scurry across the floor, which makes Levi scowl, but it’ll serve its purpose for the time being. One of the two stalls in the barn still has a working door, and with Levi’s help, Erwin unsaddles his horse, holding the saddle bag full of supplies at his side when they pull the door shut behind them.

The cabin (or shack, as Levi affectionately calls it) is a little more difficult to break into. The door is jammed shut, and Erwin has to slam all of his weight into it to get it to budge, but once it does, they’re stumbling inside and slamming the door shut behind them. The room is dim, and while Levi longs to light a match or a fire or something so they can see, he takes the darkness as a good sign. It doesn’t seem that there are any sizeable holes in the ceiling as there had been in the barn, and already the house feels much warmer than the biting cold outside.

Wordlessly, both men immediately begin stripping out of their gear, boots and coats. Levi even takes off his damp button down, leaving him in only a simple grey tank top. Erwin follows suit, and soon, their wet clothes are piled up and hanging by the front door while they rummage through the cabin for something to use as firewood. There’s a decent sized fireplace in the main room of the house, and Erwin sets to work on creating safe space for them to sleep for the night and unpacking his saddle bag while Levi grabs a small remaining pile of firewood from the other room. He tries not to think about how there hadn’t been much dust covering the logs, as if someone had been here before them in the past hundred years, and instead delivers it wordlessly to Erwin.

“This is perfect,” Erwin says, glancing up at Levi from where he kneels at the fireplace, the fire slowly licking to life a few minutes later. The warmth, while small, already feels incredible. “Thank you, Levi.”

“It was in the kitchen,” Levi mutters, “Thank whoever was here before us.”

Erwin nods, his face becoming stern and serious again. “Right. Now let me look at your wrist.”

“It’s fine,” Levi mutters, immediately defensive, “We should be worrying about how we’re going to get out of here instead.”

“There’s no use in worrying about it now,” Erwin insists, “Not with you injured. I have some medical supplies in my bag. Please let me look at your wrist.” He pats at the floor next to him in an attempt to get Levi to sit, and after staring at him for a few moments, Levi relents.

With a sigh, he settles on the wood floor next to Erwin, cross legged and feeling incredibly small compared to him. It feels odd, wearing nothing but his pants and a thin cotton shirt in front of Erwin. They’re almost always in uniform, even when Levi finds himself in Erwin’s office late at night, even when he brings him dinner when he’s been working too hard.

Erwin reaches out for Levi’s hand, and with only a moment’s hesitation, Levi lets him take it. Almost immediately, the warmth of Erwin’s own hands seems to soak into Levi’s bones. His own fingers feel like ice, but Erwin’s gentle fingers are warm and sturdy, and Levi realizes belatedly that he’s trembling slightly.

“Here,” Erwin offers, pulling away for a moment to grab a small blanket from his bag, throwing it over Levi's shoulders, “I don’t know how much it’ll help, but you need to warm up.” And then he’s taking Levi’s wrist once more, turning it over gingerly in his hands to examine the injury.

Levi hasn’t even glanced at it since he stripped himself of his jacket and shirt, too busy gathering supplies and trying to stay warm, but now he looks down at his own wrist as Erwin tends to it and he can’t help but wince. The cut itself isn’t very serious or deep - it probably won’t even require stitches when they return home - but the dried blood on his skin makes it look much worse than it is. That, and the swelling from the possible sprain or fracture doesn’t help much.

Erwin’s fingers are gentle as he carefully cleans Levi’s wound and prods at his wrist, feeling for a possible break in the bone. He isn’t properly trained like Hange, but he knows enough to get by, and when Levi winces at one particularly hard touch, Erwin offers a small smile in apology.

“You probably need a splint, but this is the best I can do with what we have,” Erwin says as he bandages and wraps Levi’s wrist a few minutes later.

“It’s fine,” Levi mutters. He wiggles his fingers, and while it hurts, they still work, and he takes that as a good sign. “Thank you.”

They sit in silence for a few moments, Levi eyes trained on the fire as Erwin rummages through his saddle bag, likely taking inventory of their supplies. The sky is growing darker outside, and quickly, dread fills Levi’s stomach. There’s one thing they haven’t talked about since Levi got thrown off of his horse, since Erwin insisted they find shelter.

“How long do you think we’ll be stuck here?” Levi asks, breaking the silence.

"Hopefully just for the night,” Erwin answers after a moment to think, “The way the snow is coming down-”

"The night!?” Levi interrupts with a small outburst, “We were supposed to be back at the walls before tonight."

"We can't risk our health or safety, or the safety of the horse, so we need to wait it out,” Erwin insists, voice stern and sturdy, “I have some food in my saddle bag. We will be fine."

Levi sets his lips in a fine line, eyes narrowed. He wants to believe Erwin, wants to trust him, but they’ve never spent a night outside the walls without a larger group and proper supplies, let alone in a blizzard. "And what about the others?"

Erwin smiles, though it’s thin and tight. "I'm confident that the others will be fine. Hange will lead them to safety."

Levi understands the weight of Erwin’s words. When they don’t return or find their way back to the group, Hange will have to make the call. They’ll have to decide whether or not to leave them behind, and if Levi knows Hange, he knows that she thinks like Erwin. She’ll do whatever is best for the squad. This is not a new concept to Levi - he has left soldiers behind without knowing for sure if they were still alive or not. It’s a hard call to make, and he knows it’ll be especially hard for Hange, considering who will be missing, but Erwin is right. She’ll keep the others safe, even if it means abandoning her Commander and Captain.

Eventually, Levi sighs in defeat. Erwin is right, he always is. It’ll be safest if they wait out the storm here. At least they have a stable structure, a fire and a little bit of food.

“So what do we do now?” Levi asks in return, earning a shrug from Erwin.

“We wait. We can rest and eat.”

It isn’t until Erwin mentions food that Levi realizes how hungry he is. While out on expeditions, Levi’s basic needs go on the back burner, only returning when they have a safe space to rest, but now that Erwin mentions it, he is pretty hungry and thirsty. Before long, Erwin is producing some food and water from his saddle bag, and they eat in silence, rationing some off for the morning. There isn’t much, as the majority of the supplies were with the others, but it’ll hold them over. Levi is used to going without food.

He isn’t sure how much time passes before he speaks again, but when he does, Levi feels significantly warmer, rested and as comfortable as he’s going to get. Erwin’s blanket is wrapped around his shoulders, and he thinks about offering it to the other man, but he looks pretty warm where he sits next to the fire.

“All this for Hange’s crazy mission…” Levi mutters into the silence.

When Erwin only hums in response, Levi turns his gaze to him, eyes narrowing for a moment, trying to understand Erwin’s thoughts. “Do you believe in what she says? What she wants to do?” he asks without hesitation. At this point in their relationship, Levi is comfortable questioning Erwin’s decisions, asking him to elaborate on them, trying to understand.

Unsurprisingly, Erwin sounds confident when he answers. “I do. Hange is brilliant, even beneath that manic personality. In order to win this war, we need people like her. We’re going to need to outsmart them, and if capturing a titan and studying it will help, then so be it.”

Levi is quiet for a moment as he lets Erwin’s words sink in. Of course, this is something that he has thought about plenty of times, something that he is completely sure of, or else he never would have risked their lives on this mission. Sometimes, Levi wishes he could be as confident as Erwin. Until the other man came into his life, Levi was constantly questioning his own decisions, especially the ones he made for others. Farlan and Isabel looked up to him, trusted him to do the right thing, and he failed them. But Erwin almost always seems to know the right thing to do. It’s one of the reasons Levi would follow him anywhere. He doesn’t say that, though.

“You’re crazy,” he mutters instead, “You know that, right?”

Erwin chuckles in response, a smile dancing across his lips. “Yeah, I know.”

Before long, Levi is rising, handing the blanket over to Erwin and putting some more wood on the fire. He snatches his nearly dry coat from its place by the front door and pulls it on before settling back on the floor near the fire.

“Well, I guess we should try to get some sleep,” Levi suggests, “That way we can leave first thing in the morning.”

Again, Erwin simply hums in response, grabbing the blanket from where Levi discarded it on the floor. “It’ll be warmer if we share it,” he says, voice careful. Just the way he speaks says that he knows he’s treading on thin ice. He knows how Levi values his personal space, that he would have asked if he wanted to share the blanket with him.

So it’s no surprise when Levi huffs in return. “I’m fine. I’ll just lay closer to the fire.”

“Suit yourself,” Erwin sighs, and before long, both men are settling on the floor. Levi finds himself wishing he had some sort of a cot or a pillow, but again, he’s used to making the best out of a bad situation, and eventually, he drifts off into a quiet, dreamless sleep.

The cold seems to seep through the house overnight, though. Maybe it’s the wind or maybe it’s the accumulating snow, but it only seems to get colder as the night goes on, leaving Levi hugging his jacket to his body as he tries to get some sleep. The wind is strong, making the old wood creak and moan, waking Levi multiple times throughout the night, leaving him tossing and turning and awake after only about an hour or two. The noises that the structure makes don’t help matters much either, every creak of wood startling Levi until he’s fully awake.

Levi feels it when the fire goes out, a few hours after he initially falls asleep, and with a sigh, he reluctantly stands to grab some more firewood. The soreness in his wrist aches now, and Levi has to use his left hand when he lifts the last of the firewood from the floor and tosses it into the fireplace. In the dark, Levi struggles to use Erwin’s fire starters, and with his hurt wrist, it takes more than a few tries, leaving him cursing under his breath by the time the fire finally begins to lick around the wood. By the time the fire really comes to life, Levi is shaking with the cold, teeth chattering and hands frozen.

“Levi,” Erwin’s voice rings out in the dark, startling Levi for a second, even causing him to jump slightly. Silently, he wonders how long Erwin has been awake, but doesn’t have time to ask before Erwin is quietly calling, “Come here.”

Levi can hear the command in Erwin’s voice, but as far as he’s concerned, they’re not Commander and Captain right now. Levi doesn’t have to listen, but he does turn around.

“What?” he grits around chattering teeth into the darkness, the fire barely illuminating Erwin’s form.

“It’s freezing,” Erwin states, “If we lie together, we’ll be warmer.”

Levi sighs at the suggestion, suddenly thankful for the darkness hiding the flush on his cheeks. It was already enough watching Erwin gently bandage his wrist and riding against him until they reached the cabin, and Levi isn’t sure if he wants to add cuddling with Erwin to the growing list of things currently testing his self control, but he knows that Erwin is right. They’ll both be warmer if Levi just sucks it up and shares the fucking blanket with him.

So eventually, Levi finds himself shedding the coat once more before settling next to Erwin, allowing him to pull the blanket over them both.

“Bet you didn’t expect it to be this glamorous when you signed up for this job, huh?” Levi teases into the darkness after his shivering subsides and he can feel Erwin’s warmth seeping to his body. He lies on his side, back to Erwin, bodies not quite touching under the blankets. Levi sort of wants to, wants to press himself up against Erwin’s warmth, but he stops himself. He doesn’t want to make this any more awkward than it already is, and his teasing is an attempt to lighten the mood.  

“I didn’t choose this life because it was glamorous,” Erwin replies matter of factly to Levi’s teasing words. Immediately, Levi feels like an asshole for suggesting that he did. Only idiots join the Survey Corps because they think it’ll be glamours. Most of their soldiers are born from trauma or tragedy and Levi feels dumb to think that Erwin was an exception, but they’ve never talked about his life before the Survey Corps before.

So naturally, Levi can’t help but pry a little, voice soft after a beat of silence. “Why did you choose it?”

Erwin is quiet for a long moment, and Levi almost wonders if he has already fallen back asleep, but just when he sighs and closes his own eyes, Erwin answers him.

“My father knew more about the walls and the world outside of them than anyone I’ve ever met,” he says, voice sounding far away. “He told me everything he knew, taught me everything his father and his family taught him, but I was just a child. I didn’t… I didn’t know any better, and I certainly didn’t know to keep my mouth shut. I told others what my father told me because I was excited, and not long after, he was killed because of what he knew. It was my fault.”

Without thinking about it, Levi turns over in the darkness, eyes searching out Erwin’s face in the firelight. “Erwin-”

“If I can accomplish just one of the many things my father dreamt of, then this is all worth it,” Erwin explains, cutting Levi off before he can say anything, “And if I can rid humanity from the walls, then we’ve won.”

Levi doesn’t know what to say. Erwin has never once mentioned his father, not to Levi, not to anyone. And even though he can’t really see much, by the look in his eyes, Levi knows that this is Erwin’s first time talking about this in who knows how long. He hasn’t told anyone else this. Levi is the first. There’s obviously more to the story, too, things that Erwin’s father told him that he doesn’t want to repeat to anyone, and Levi accepts that. He doesn’t pry.

He doesn’t know what to do with that information except to murmur, “I didn’t - You never told me this…”

Levi can make out a faint smile on Erwin’s face in the darkness. “You never asked.”

Levi huffs out a quiet laugh in response to Erwin’s simple words. “Thank you,” he says into the darkness, “For telling me.”

And for a moment, the conversation is over. This is the most that Erwin has ever opened up to Levi about his past, and if Levi had to guess, it’s probably the most he has told anyone about it. Why Erwin trusts him to know these things, Levi will never know, but the words seem to come easy to Erwin, as if he never questioned telling Levi.

It’s quiet for a while, and by the time Levi finally breaks the silence again, he fears that Erwin has already fallen asleep. “What was your father like?” he asks quietly. He doesn’t know what possesses him to ask. Maybe it’s the hunger to know more, to learn more about Erwin, or maybe it’s just because he can’t sleep. Maybe he wants to drink up any information that Erwin will feed him, learn as much about him as he can. Maybe it’s because Levi is weak, and Erwin’s close proximity is making him even weaker...

The room is silent, save for the soft crackling of the fire and the wind outside, but then, Levi eventually hears Erwin take a deep breath. He shifts, turning onto his side to face Levi with his arm under his head, even though Levi is lying on his back now, staring up at the dark ceiling.

“He was brilliant,” Erwin says at last. His voice takes on that far away quality again as he speaks. “Strong willed, proud, brave… He would do anything to protect our family. He paid the ultimate price for it.”

The way Erwin speaks of his father, Levi can tell that he admired him, that he wants nothing more than to do right by him.

“You know he’d be proud of you, right?” Levi asks, turning on his side to face Erwin, as well. He’s not sure what causes the words to leave his mouth, but once he starts, he can’t stop. Months and years of admiring Erwin come tumbling out, brought on by the way that Erwin talks like he has done something wrong, like he’s a disgrace to his family.

“Levi-”

“Don’t try to argue with me,” Levi bites quickly, “You’re just as smart as he was, if not more so. You’re quick on your feet and brave as hell. We’d all follow you into hell and back. You’re the one who brings us back to the walls every time. You risk your life on a daily basis and don’t ask for any thanks. In fact, I know you’re probably already planning an argument out right now for when I stop talking, so don’t. Just… Believe me, okay?”

Eyes having adjusted to the darkness, Levi can make out when Erwin’s own eyes widen in surprise. “Levi, I-”

“Don’t,” Levi warns, and when Erwin doesn’t say anything else, he continues, “You know I didn’t really have shit to fight for before you came along, right? Even if I wanted to kill you at first, you gave me something to believe in, just like your father did for you. So thank you, even if you won’t take it.”

Erwin gapes at him, obviously trying to come up with the right words to say, and Levi can’t help the hint of pride he feels at having caught Erwin off guard, rendering him temporarily speechless.

“I don’t know what to say…” Erwin murmurs at last, “But don’t you sell yourself short, Levi.”

At Erwin’s words, Levi feels himself flush again. He starts to look away, to hide his face at the compliment, but suddenly, Erwin is reaching out and stopping him from doing so, hand on the juncture of his shoulder and his neck. His touch feels like fire, consuming Levi with every second that he holds him in place.

“There is a reason I sought you out four years ago,” Erwin says, voice steady, “It wasn’t just because you were some thug who happened to be quick on his feet and talented with maneuver gear… It was your spirit, your fight. You had it all along, Levi.”

But you gave me something to fight for, Levi finds himself thinking, but doesn’t argue. Erwin forces the eye contact, and Levi wants to shrink in his gaze, his body suddenly feeling hot. It all feels like too much, not enough. He wants Erwin’s heavy gaze to go away, but at the same time, he wants it to consume him.

“I think about Farlan and Isabel often,” Erwin says, cutting the silence and surprising Levi once more, “Sometimes, I wish they could see the man you’ve become. They would be proud.”

“Fuck,” Levi mutters. This time, when he turns to look away, pulling out of Erwin’s grasp, Erwin doesn’t stop him. Levi closes his eyes at Erwin’s words, has to bite back the emotions that bubble up in his chest, threatening to spill over. Everything comes to a head as he lies at Erwin’s side on the cold wood floor, and it comes fast.

This is one of those moments, a burning moment where he falls in love with Erwin just a little bit more. He rarely mentions Farlan and Isabel, and every time he does, it’s always too much for Levi to bear. But this time… This time it’s different. Levi doesn’t know if it’s their circumstances or the way that Erwin talks about them, but it has Levi shaking his head, trembling under the blanket.

"Fuck you," Levi nutters, voice thick, overcome with emotion.

“What?” Levi hears Erwin asks, voice concerned though he sounds very far away, “Levi-”

And then, before Levi has a chance to think or talk himself out of it, before he has a second to hesitate, he’s turning quickly, gripping Erwin by the back of the neck, and pressing their lips firmly together. It’s a moment of weakness, something he normally would have been able to reel in under any other circumstances, but considering their current situation - Erwin’s close proximity, the way he just opened up to Levi, his soft voice - Levi can’t help it. He gives in, and the second he does, he feels as if he’s being consumed, his entire body igniting in flames. Even in the cold of the cabin, he feels warm, feels like he’s on fire, from his fingers and toes to his chest, all the way to his lips, pressed firmly against Erwin’s.

As soon as Levi kisses Erwin, though, he’s overcome with thoughts and fears and doubts. As soon as he presses their lips together, as good as it feels to finally give in, Levi wants to pull back, to wish it had never happened. Erwin doesn’t return his feelings, and that’s fine. Levi accepted that long ago, vowed never to act on it, yet here he is, overcome with emotion, kissing Erwin like a fucking fool, because there’s no way this can end well. There’s no way this won’t change their relationship forever and-

And then suddenly, a large hand is covering his own, and Levi feels the weight of Erwin pressing back against him, returning the kiss and attempting to pull him closer. Levi’s eyes, which had been wide open in fear and panic, fall closed almost immediately, and he lets out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding, relaxing against the touch, the press of Erwin’s lips against his own. He knows he’ll probably end up regretting this come morning - he shouldn’t be kissing anyone, getting attached to anyone, let alone his Commander - but Levi can’t help the way he reacts now. He can’t help the way that he opens his mouth on a sigh, savoring Erwin’s taste as soon as it floods his senses.

Moving on autopilot, Levi’s hand shifts, reaching up to find its place in Erwin’s hair, blunt fingernails scraping along his scalp, threading through blond strands. With his now free hand, Erwin reaches out and places it on Levi’s cheek, gentle yet firm, and the touch is like flames licking at his skin, causing him to break the kiss on a gasp, pressing his forehead into Erwin’s chest.

Erwin, instead of doing or saying anything more, simply lets his hand travel lower, until it’s rubbing between Levi’s shoulder blades, barely there. Eventually, after what seems like forever, Erwin leans forward, pressing his lips the top of Levi’s head.

“Get some rest,” he murmurs, lips brushing Levi’s hair, and while Levi wants to talk about this, wants to say something - anything - to Erwin, he simply nods, burying his face in Erwin’s shirt.

When Levi blinks his eyes open the next morning, it takes him a moment to remember where they are, the fuzzy happiness from what happened last night taking over his senses and instincts instead. He doesn't notice the cold in the cabin, the missing heat from the fire or the fact that the sun has long since risen but the skies are still dark. No sunlight shines through the windows, and for a moment, Levi allows himself to relax in the dim light of the abandoned house, a sturdy weight pressed against his back, anchoring him to the warmth of Erwin's body and the reality of what happened last night.

Levi wakes up with Erwin’s arm around his waist, and for a few minutes, everything is alright. In the back of his mind, he knows that the reality of their situation and their relationship will come crashing down around him, but for now, he doesn’t want to move. He wants to relax into the touch, to close his eyes and just not fucking worry for once, so that’s exactly what he does. Slowly, Levi begins to fall back asleep, scooting a little closer to Erwin and closing his eyes for just a little bit longer.

He’s not sure how much time goes by before Erwin finally stirs next to him, before the arm around his middle finally disappears and he hears a voice coming from the body next to him. “Levi?”

“Hmm?” Levi groans in response. He squeezes his eyes shut tighter, as if it’ll will away the world around him, but eventually, he blinks them open and turns over on the cold hardwood floor. When he looks up at Erwin, who is sitting up, the first thing he notices is his messy hair and his sleepy (yet still alert) eyes. Levi stores that image away in his head for safekeeping - this is a side of Erwin that nobody gets to see - and for a moment, none of this seems real. The light that does filter in through the window is dim and nearly dream-like. The cabin is cold, but cozy at the same time.

Then Levi hears the wind howling outside, and the spell breaks.

Within seconds, Levi is sitting straight up as well, the fuzzy bliss from the night before gone in the blink of an eye. As if on cue, both men are standing, tossing the single blanket aside and and practically sprinting to the nearby window and gazing outside.

To Levi’s dismay, the sun isn’t shining as he had been hoping it would be last night. The storm hasn’t let up in the least bit, snow still coming down, the drifts nearly up to Levi’s hips in places. The wind is howling, shaking the trees and making matters even worse, and with a sinking sense of dread in his stomach, Levi realizes that their situation is even worse than he thought it was last night.

“Fuck…” Erwin breaths at his side, and apparently that’s all it takes for Levi to snap. In the blink of an eye, he’s padding quickly to the front door, arm outstretched as if to throw it open even though he’s not even wearing shoes, let alone the rest of his clothes. Before he can even reach the doorknob, though, Erwin is slamming his hand on the door above him, stopping him short.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Levi yells, wheeling around to glare at Erwin as if he was the one about to run outside in a blizzard in practically nothing. “We need to go, it’s only getting worse!”

“You’re not even dressed,” Erwin says incredulously, a slight upturn to his lips that dissipates as quickly as it appears. He becomes serious very quickly, the Commander in him taking over.

“Where are we supposed to go? You can’t even see the tree line from here,” Erwin counters. It’s true - with the way the snow is coming down, they’d be lucky to even see a few meters ahead. “We don’t know how far out we really are, and it’s still a blizzard out there. That’s a death wish.”

Ignoring Erwin’s reasoning, Levi tries for the door again. However, this time, Erwin stops him by grabbing his good wrist before he can even make contact.

“If you open that door, all of the warmth from the fire will go to waste,” he says sternly, “We need to wait this out, Levi.”

Levi’s hard gaze doesn’t lessen, even in the face of reason. “What about everyone else?” he argues.

“We will be no use to them dead,” Erwin counters, “And I don’t know about you, but I don’t plan on dying from the cold.”

Erwin fixes Levi with a stern look, and after a long, silent moment, Levi finally relents, ripping his arm away from Erwin’s grasp and turning on his heel. If they can’t leave, then he’ll busy himself by tending to the fire and finding something in the cabin to chop up for extra firewood. He rubs his wrist with his fingers as he walks away, muttering under his breath, “Fine whatever, just don’t fuck up my other wrist too, you asshole,” which earns him a quiet chuckle from Erwin.

And just like that, the mood in the room shifts once more.

While Levi uses his blades to chop up a couple of abandoned chairs in what used to be a kitchen, (telling Erwin to fuck off when he tells him to take it easy on his injured wrist) Erwin sets to work on cataloguing the remainder of their supplies. They’re running low on food and energy, but thankfully, they have quite a bit of water to spare, and with the way the snow is falling outside, they’ll have plenty of that for a while. After getting the fire started once more, Levi insists that he isn’t hungry, but Erwin convinces him to have at least a bite to eat, and they spend the rest of the afternoon sitting in front of the fire.

When Levi eventually starts fiddling with the bandages on his wrist, Erwin insists on checking on his wounds and re-wrapping it with fresh bandages. Again, Levi is reluctant at first, but like usual, he eventually gives in, and like the day before, Erwin’s fingers are soft and tender on his skin, holding him gently without pressing too hard.

“How are you feeling?” he asks, wiping away dried blood before he begins rebandaging the injury.

Levi keeps his eyes downcast, picks at the old wood floor with his other hand. “Fine,” he mutters.

“Levi.” Erwin’s voice is pressing and stern. They’ve known one another long enough that it's not hard for him to tell when Levi isn’t telling the whole truth, when he’s trying to shut others out. It’s a bad habit, and Erwin is always trying to gently pull him out of it.

Levi sighs. He watches as Erwin finishes wrapping his wrist before speaking. “I’m cold, but I’m fine,” he says, “And my wrist is a little sore.”

Unsurprisingly, Erwin simply hums in response. He’s always like this, pulling Levi out of his shell bit by bit without asking for too much. He knows when to push and knows when to ease up, and maybe that’s one of the many reasons why Levi loves him, but it also bugs the shit out of him. He hates how Erwin can see right through him sometimes.

Wordlessly, Erwin shifts so he’s sitting closer to Levi’s side, and in one swift movement, he’s reaching behind them to grab the blanket and throw it over both of them, draping it over Levi’s shoulders. Levi doesn’t struggle this time, doesn’t argue that he’s fine or insist that they don’t have to share the blanket. He does glare up at Erwin for a brief moment, but relaxes soon after. Right now, he doesn’t have the energy to fight off what he wants, as he normally does, and wordlessly, he shifts closer to Erwin, leaning on his arm, knees knocking together.

He wants to talk about what happened last night, about everything Erwin told him and everything he said to Erwin and the kiss, but he doesn’t bring it up. He doesn’t mention it because partially, he has a hard time believing it actually happened - it just doesn’t feel real - and partially because he doesn’t want Erwin to tell him that it was a mistake, that he didn’t want it.

So they don’t talk about it. They sit in silence in front of the fire for quite a while, and when the silence is finally broken, it’s Levi who speaks, but not about the kiss.

“You know, up until I joined the Coprs, I had never seen snow,” he says. He lets his gaze drift from the fireplace up to Erwin, who raises his eyebrows in response.

“Never?”

“Nope,” Levi says, shrugging. The blanket falls off of a shoulder and he’s quick to put it back in its place. “I mean, I rarely went above ground, and when I did, it was in fair weather for short periods of time with Farlan and Isabel.”

Levi says their names with ease now, remembering the first time be brought Isabel above ground and how he couldn’t get her to shut the fuck up about it. The memory is fond, and while the loss still hurts, it doesn’t pain him as much as it used to. It’s been years since Levi stopped blaming himself for their deaths.

“The old man never took me up when I was younger, either,” he continues, “And I never had a reason to when it was cold. It was just better to stay underground in the winter.”

Erwin takes in all of this information, more new snapshots of Levi’s life before they met, and it’s a long moment before he says anything in response. “What do you think of it?” he asks at last.

“Well right now, I fucking hate it,” Levi mutters.

Erwin laughs at his side, shaking his head at Levi’s bitter tone. “I think it can be quite beautiful,” he says, glancing out the window. The snow is still coming down fast.

While Erwin gazes outside, Levi looks up at Erwin. “Yeah,” he murmurs, “It can be.”

And for a moment, a peaceful quiet falls over them. It’s quickly broken, though, when Levi snorts out a laugh.

“What?” Erwin asks, turning to look at Levi, a small confused smile tugging at his lips.

“You fucking optimistic bastard,” he mutters, shaking his head “We’re trapped in a blizzard, outside the walls with barely any food and likely only one horse to get us home, and you’re calling the snow beautiful.”

At that, Erwin is chuckling, too. “There is no use in being negative,” he says, “Someone has to keep morale high.”

Levi just shakes his head again. “No wonder the kids look up to you.”

“They look up to you, too,” Erwin counters softly, almost immediately. As much as he tries not to, Levi feels his face flush at the compliment. He’s not used to having his own squad, a group of kids who trust and believe in him. The weight of it was hard to bear at first, especially after Farlan and Isabel’s deaths, but Erwin helped him through it. Erwin helped build his confidence up again, helped him learn how to lead others again.

Levi doesn’t want to think about that right now, though, so instead, he changes the subject. “What do you want to do, when this is all over?” he asks.

Erwin’s gaze becomes confused for a moment, as if trying to figure Levi out, to decipher what’s going on in his head. “What makes you ask?”

Levi simply shrugs. “Just trying to keep morale high.”

To that, Erwin smils. “I don’t know…” he muses. Instead of saying something along the lines of if I make it out alive, as most people would, he plays along with Levi’s game. “I’d like to settle down afterward, but don’t think a quiet life would suit someone like me.”

Levi raises his eyebrows, and before he can stop himself, he’s indulging and asking, “No wife and kids?”

Erwin matches Levi’s gaze for a moment, quiet before answering as if he’s still trying to figure out exactly what Levi’s getting at. He looks like he wants to say something, wants to ask Levi something, and, not for the first time since waking up, Levi is reminded of the kiss they shared and how they haven’t discussed it yet. But Erwin doesn’t bring it up, either. After a long look and a moment of silence, he finally answers the question.

"No," he says, voice steady and sure, "I would likely keep traveling outside of the walls."

“Where would you go?” Levi asks, not quite ready to stop prying.

"I don't know..." Erwin answers, voice suddenly far away and quiet, "I haven’t given it much thought." Levi knows exactly what that means. His words imply that he's never actually considered surviving to see the end of the titans, to see victory. Levi hasn't really considered it either, but it still breaks his heart to hear. Out of everyone, Erwin deserves to live.

“I suppose I would try to find the places in my father’s books that he spoke of…” Erwin says at last, “Deserts and oceans and mountains…”

Levi doesn’t know what to say in response, so he just watches Erwin, waiting for him to go on, and eventually, he does. "I still have some of his books. I hid them when I was a child, before anyone else could find them,” he says, “I will have to show you when we get back."

Levi nods, quiet, suddenly deep in thought. The truth is, he’s never considered making it out alive, either.

"What about you?" Erwin asks at last, shaking him out of his thoughts, "What will you do when this is over?"

Levi simply shrugs. He avoids Erwin’s eyes and looks away, muttering a simple, “Same.”

The truth is, he'd follow Erwin anywhere.

"Levi-" Erwin starts to say, voice heavy, but before he can get anything else out, Levi is quickly standing, dropping the blanket to the floor and stretching. The mood breaks.

"I gotta take a piss,” he announces, “Gonna open the door just a crack."

Erwin doesn’t say anything as Levi walks away, and it gives him a few moments to think, to gather his wits. He has never seen Erwin open up to anyone as much as he has to him over the past twenty-four hours, and he wonders why. What is different? What has changed? Levi thinks about the kiss briefly but pushes it out of his head. It was a moment of weakness. Chances are, Erwin doesn't want that, anyway. He would have brought it up by now if he did, right?

With a shiver, Levi finally pulls the door shut once more. By the time he returns, Erwin is rummaging through their pack once more for food and water. Wordlessly, he heads for the door with his canteen, scoops up some snow with his hands and puts it inside before setting it by the fire to melt. Afterward, he hands Levi some bread, murmuring, “There isn’t much. I’m sorry.”

Levi doesn't say he's used to it. He just nods. Erwin knows about his life in the underground. He may not know all of the details of his mother's passing, but he knows that it was a few days before anyone found Levi with her, that a stranger took him in and took care of him, but wasn’t always around. There would be times where days went by and he wouldn’t return and Levi would go hungry. He’s used to it.

"We will have to eat in the morning to keep our strength for the journey home," Erwin says at last, shaking Levi out of his thoughts once more and breaking the silence.

Levi raises his eyebrows in response, glancing at Erwin. "What makes you so sure we're leaving tomorrow?"

"We're going to have to if we want to get out of here..." Erwin mutters, voice suddenly serious and somber, "The longer we stay, the bigger the risk we run of getting weaker, and if we run into any Titans on the way back..."

"We'll be fresh meat..." Levi finishes, catching his train of thought. They’ll have to leave tomorrow if they want to be strong enough to have a fighting chance.  

Erwin nods, "So we'll leave in the morning. Hange is right, they’re slower in the cold-"

"So we'll have more of a fighting chance if the weather is shitty," Levi finishes again.

Erwin nods once more. "Precisely."

It’s quiet for a moment while they eat and drink the melting snow water, but after a while, Levi can’t help but ask, “Do you think they’ll come looking for us?”

Erwin takes a deep breath before letting it out on a sigh, shaking his head slowly. “I don’t know,” he mutters, “I hope not, in this weather. They’re smarter than that.”

Levi huffs out a little laugh at that. “They probably think we’re dead.”

"What a surprise it'll be for them to see us tomorrow, then," Erwin says with a smile.

Levi wasn’t thinking about that, though. The second the thought of their squad leaving them behind crossed his mind, he was struck with a vision, an alternate scenario where he and Erwin don’t return to the walls - they just keep moving forward. They have plenty of gas to last them awhile, blades and weapons to hunt with. For a moment, Levi considers not returning home. They could just do what Erwin wants, they could travel the world. They wouldn’t have to be responsible for anyone else’s lives or the good of humanity.

They could just go.

It’s not the first time Levi has been struck with this thought - of abandoning all of his responsibilities and just leaving because what has humanity done for him? But it’s a naive thought. They’d never make it out alive, especially with the shitty weather and the titans. They’d run out of gas eventually, run into a herd of them and not be able to fight their way out. He feels stupid for even thinking it.

Erwin seems to catch Levi deep in thought, and apparently he reads his mind when he suddenly asks, “You do want to go back, don’t you?”

Levi looks up at Erwin, narrowing his eyes, defensive. “Yeah, of course,” he bites, “Do you think I’m fucking stupid? I don’t want to be stuck out in this shit.”

Erwin simply hums as if he knows that Levi is fibbing, but he doesn’t push the matter. A few silent seconds tick by, and Levi doesn’t know what makes him relent, but suddenly, he’s speaking again.

“I don’t know how the hell you do it,” he mutters, “How you keep fighting for these people who don’t give a shit about you or us or the rest of humanity.”

"Ah," Erwin says as if he suddenly gets it, "It is a thankless job, but I know that it's worth it. I want to be able to give people the right to choose... I want to give them a better life than this. It can be difficult, but in the long run, it's worth it."

It’s words like those that Erwin uses to recruit new soldiers, to instill hope in their hearts. The thing is, though, he actually believes in what he says. That’s what sets Erwin apart from the rest.

"You keep fighting, too," Erwin comments, "Even though you don't have to. Why is that?"

Belatedly, Levi realizes that it's Erwin's way of turning his question around on him, but not until after he speaks.

"Because you do." It's an admission and as soon as the words are out Levi wants to take them back, but he can't. He bites his lip, keeps his gaze on the floor in front of him, and hopes that Erwin doesn’t push the subject.

“Levi-”

“We need more firewood,” Levi interrupts suddenly, as soon as Erwin says something. He goes to stand, but before he can, Erwin is stopping him with a firm hand on his arm.

“Levi.” This time, his voice is sturdier. It sounds like a command.

Levi turns quickly to fix a glare in Erwin’s direction, biting, “What?”

Erwin’s question in return isn’t anything close to what Levi expects to hear.

“Can I kiss you?”

It’s a soft, simple question, as if they didn’t kiss last night, as if it’s new territory. Erwin sounds hesitant, unsure, and the tone is foreign on his tongue. Erwin is always so certain and steady, but when Levi looks at him now, he looks like he’s treading into unfamiliar territory.

Levi knows that he’s already in too deep. He took that step when he kissed Erwin last night, but still, he hesitates, holds back.

“Erwin-”

But then Erwin’s hand covers his own, stopping his words in their tracks. He shouldn’t say yes. He should distance himself as much as possible. Falling in love with Erwin is one thing, but acting on it is something else entirely. Last night was a moment of weakness, a mistake. If he takes this step, there really is no going back. If he loses Erwin after this, there’s no telling what will happen.

So why does he hear the word, “Yes” tumbling from his own lips?

Erwin’s thumb is soft on Levi’s cheek when he reaches out and touches him, lifting his head to look him in the eyes. The gaze is heavy, loaded with a silent question - are you sure? - but Levi makes no move to stop Erwin. He doesn’t want to, because he wants this too, and when Erwin eventually leans in pressing their lips together, Levi sighs into the kiss, his body relaxing under his touch.

Even though they kissed once last night, this time it feels more real. Maybe it’s because Levi isn’t half awake and clinging onto Erwin in an attempt to hold himself together. Maybe it’s because Erwin asks before he does it, something that Levi should have done last night. Whatever it is, it has Levi holding onto Erwin’s wrist with one hand, the other finding its place on his chest, anchoring them together.

They part after a long moment with a soft smack of lips, and for a second, Levi thinks that’s going to be it. One more kiss, and Erwin will tell him that they can’t do this, that he’s his Commander, that he doesn’t see him that way. But then, Erwin is running a thumb over Levi’s bottom lip, his other hand reaching up and combing through his hair, and he’s offering him a soft smile before leaning in and kissing him once more.

This time, Levi is ready for it, parting his lips and pressing back eagerly against Erwin. He’s not quite as gentle, his wandering hand mapping out Erwin’s neck and chest, but Erwin doesn’t seem to mind, sighing against him and pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. Soon, Levi hand has traveled from Erwin’s chest to his hip, the other at the back of his neck. He opens his mouth and lets Erwin take the lead, lets Erwin suck his lip into his mouth, lets him nip at the corner of his mouth.

It’s quiet in the cabin, save for Levi’s quiet gasp when Erwin moves onto his neck, and that’s what finally solidifies things. Levi’s instincts take over, and before long, he’s pushing on Erwin’s chest, pressing him onto the floor and moving to lie between his legs, pressing his own kisses to Erwin’s bared neck. Erwin simply arches into it in response, his hands finding their place in Levi’s hair, anchoring him down with blunt nails and fingers tangled in dark locks.

With a quick kiss to his jaw, Levi presses a thigh against Erwin’s crotch, feeling the hard line of his cock through his pants. The touch earns a soft sigh from Erwin, who arches once more into it, and that’s what does it for Levi.

They shouldn’t be doing this, should be saving their energy for morning, but Levi can’t help it when he has wanted this for so long. He can’t help the way he rucks Erwin’s shirt up to his chest, hands flat on his stomach, and he can’t help the way his fingers trace the skin just above the hem of his pants, waiting for a cue from Erwin to go on.

That sign comes in the form of his name leaving the other man’s lips and a heated glance in his direction, and without much more prompting, Levi is unbuttoning Erwin’s pants and shifting them down over his hips and ass. He has imagined his Commander like this plenty of times in the confines of his own quarters, hand wrapped around his own cock while he stifles moans into his arm or pillow, but he never imagined it like this, in this situation. He never imagined Erwin opening up to him as much as he has, never thought that he’d see this side of him. He also never thought that he’d be the one on top of Erwin, taking control, touching him first, but here they are.

Erwin meets his gaze once more, and without saying anything, Levi is leaning down, kissing down his chest and stomach, paying special attention to his nipples and navel before moving lower. They’re both dirty, haven't bathed in a couple of days, but in an very uncharacteristic way, Levi prefers it like this, wants to taste Erwin, dirt and all. He wastes no time - as if he’s still scared that Erwin will stop him before he gets a chance - and before long, Levi taking the head of Erwin’s hard, leaking cock into his mouth.

Erwin’s hands are in his hair again in an instant, gripping it tighter than before, and Levi can’t help but groan at the touch. It’s the first noise he’s made since Erwin kissed him, and it sounds loud in his ears, desperate and embarrassing. He’s not even the one being touched, and apparently, Erwin catches on, too, because he’s suddenly letting out a stuttering moan, fingers clenching in his hair.

“Levi-”

He wants to tell Erwin to say his name, to pull his hair and fuck his face, to make him feel, but he doesn’t dare pull away. Instead, his eyes fall closed as he focuses on the man beneath him, on taking as much of his length into his mouth as he can. This isn’t how he imagined it when he indulged himself back in the barracks, thinking about Erwin, but he prefers it this way. He would imagine Erwin pressing him up against the wall of his office, being rough and holding him down, fucking him hard and making him beg for release, but bringing Erwin to the edge is much better. Before long, his hips are canting up, just barely, and the noises begin to spill from his lips, quiet and held back, but there nonetheless.

Just when Levi thinks that he’s about to push Erwin over the edge, though, the fingers tighten in his hair and he’s pulling him away. With a gasp, Erwin pulls Levi off of his cock, and before Levi can ask why, Erwin is sitting up and he’s being kissed roughly, Erwin’s lips hard and demanding, just the way the imagined them. It’s messy, nowhere near as tender as their kisses had been before, and it’s almost as if Erwin is trying to lick his taste from Levi’s mouth, pulling away only after Levi goes limp against him.

“What the fuck, Erwin?” Levi begins to ask, trying to ignore the fact that his voice sounds utterly wrecked. He had been so close, and Levi wanted to feel Erwin tense under him, wanted to hear him when he came, taste him when he spilled down his throat. Why would he stop?

Instead of answering, Erwin just reaches for Levi’s own pants, wasting no time in shoving them down and fisting his cock. Levi can’t help the choked off moan that leaves his throat at the touch, having nearly forgotten about getting himself off in the midst of all of this, and before long, he’s fucking into Erwin’s hand, head on his shoulder and fingers gripping every inch of him he can reach. Erwin doesn’t stop surprising him there, though. Wordlessly, he lets go of Levi’s dick for a moment, shifting so their hips are level, and the brush of Erwin’s spit-slick cock against his own is enough to send a thrill through Levi’s body. He knows what Erwin is going to do before he does it, and props himself up on one elbow to support himself, spreading his legs accordingly. Before long, there’s a big hand wrapping around both of their lengths (or as much as he can reach) and Levi is thrusting forward experimentally, gasping at the feeling of it.

It isn’t quite sex, and honestly, Levi would much rather feel Erwin’s thick cock inside of him than rubbing up against his own, but it’s the most they can do given their circumstances, and Levi can work with that. He can’t help but reach down with his free hand as well, pressing their dicks together and fucking into his fist. He mouths at Erwin’s neck and shoulder and whatever bits of skin he can reach, letting out a shuddering moan against him.

“Fuck, fuck,” Levi gasps as his cock slips against Erwin’s, slick with his own spit. He’s barely been touched, but he’s already so close, can feel the heat swelling in his belly, his orgasm approaching. His hand scrambles, letting Erwin take over while he pushes his own shirt up his chest, and then he’s spilling all over both of their stomachs shortly after, body tensing and stilling, cock pulsing between them. It’s disgusting and messy and it gets everywhere, but it only spurs Erwin onward, making him moan like he’s the one who just came all over them, and after only a few more jerks, he’s falling over the edge, too, head pressed against Levi’s shoulder.

For a split second, as Levi comes down, he worries about what will happen afterward, but those thoughts are quickly extinguished when a pair of soft lips search out his own. Erwin embraces him, after, kissing him lazily as their come dries on their stomachs and as they both come down from their highs. It’s slow and easy and Levi can’t help but sigh into it, relaxing into Erwin’s body.

Eventually, Erwin pulls away, but when he does, it’s only to pull his shirt off the rest of the way, handing it over to Levi. “Use it to clean yourself off,” he says with a tired smile, as if he knows how disgusting Levi feels, “I still have my other shirt. I’ll be fine.”

Once they’re both clean, or as clean as they’re going to get, and Erwin has his button-up on once more, Levi finds himself falling asleep much like he woke up, with Erwin’s arm around his waist. Only this time, he’s facing the other man, leaning in when Erwin presses another soft kiss to his lips. And surprisingly, even with the wind still howling outside, Levi drifts off into an easy, dreamless sleep.

It’s not sunny by any means when Erwin nudges Levi awake the next morning, but by the quiet that surrounds the little cabin, the wind has stopped blowing, which is definitely a good sign. It’s still impossibly cold when Levi eventually stands, stretching out his aching joints - sleeping on a hardwood floor isn’t doing him any good - but from the looks of it, the storm has finally let up. The sunlight that does filter through the grey clouds reflects off the the fresh snow, and Levi has to squint when he looks out the window with Erwin, sighing in relief when he sees that the snow has stopped falling.

Even more relieving is what Levi sees when he glances toward the cabin’s adjoining barn. Standing just outside the fence and nuzzling Erwin’s horse is Levi’s mare, saddle still intact and all. He gasps upon seeing her, pointing her out to Erwin before rushing to get dressed. Erwin gently argues that they should eat something before heading out, but he begins to pull his boots and maneuver gear on as well. It’s a battle that he isn’t going to win, especially since Levi’s horse has returned and looks better than either of them expected, and just in the nick of time, too.

They leave that morning without eating, but it’s for the best. With a horse for Levi to ride home, the journey will go by much quicker, and they should get going as soon as possible, before another storm sets in.

Erwin leads Levi with his hand on the small of his back as they leave the little cabin behind, and Levi wants to say that the touch doesn’t make him feel warm in the cold air, or that he doesn’t look back to bid the house a fond farewell, but he’d be lying, so he says nothing.

The ride through the trees and back to the main path is a little rough, especially with the thick, fresh snow, but once they reach the opening in the trees where they split with the rest of the squad, the journey seems to move a lot quicker. They ride as fast as possible, and for the majority of the ride, don’t come across any obstacles. They spy the first titan that they come across from a distance, and Erwin takes it down effortlessly, without any aid from Levi. From afar, Levi is able to admire the way that Erwin gracefully soars through the air, making it look easy when he lodges an anchor into the beast’s shoulder before slicing a clean line through its nape. It’s dead long before it hits the ground.

The second titan, however, is a little more difficult. It manages to sneak up on them in a thicker part of the trees, and Levi attributes that to its smaller size as he wordlessly leaps off of his horse before Erwin even sees it. He knows he shouldn’t be straining himself, knows that he should probably let Erwin handle it, but he doesn’t want to risk shouting out to him, in case any other titans are nearby. The last thing they need is to give away their position and get ambushed.

Levi’s kill is a rough one, and it takes two passes for him to take the titan down, the first one putting a significant strain on his injured wrist. When he lands back on his horse, it’s with a wince, and Erwin notices. He always notices.

“You alright?” he calls, as quiet as possible, and Levi just nods shortly in response.

“Let’s get the fuck out of here,” he bites.

Once they’re out in the open, things go by surprisingly smoother than they did in the trees. Usually, they’re able to use the trees to their advantage and have the most casualties out in the open, but it seems that Hange was right. As far as they can see, Levi doesn’t spy any titans in the vast, snow covered landscape. It seems that possibly, they have taken shelter somewhere warmer while it’s cold outside. Levi wonders if Hange is already going crazy with this new information.

Miraculously, they don’t run into any more titans, and before they even reach the walls, Levi can spy the gate opening. It seems that someone spied them up on the wall and called for the gates to be opened, and Levi is silently thankful for the white snow surrounding them. They probably stick out with their black coats and dark colored horses. As soon as the gate opens, a small squad is riding out to meet them.

And it’s in that moment that the events of the past few days seem to catch up with Levi. As they ride forward, Levi’s head begins to feel light, dizzy. His wrist throbs, and his body feels weak, and he wants to call out to Erwin to tell him, but he can’t seem to find his voice.

Everything goes black just as Levi loses his balance and begins to slide off of his horse, Erwin’s voice only a distant sound as he calls his name.

The first thing that Levi notices when he opens his eyes again is sunlight, much brighter and warmer than he remembers from his journey back to the walls with Erwin. It had been muted, hidden behind grey clouds as the rode back to the walls, but this sunlight floods in through the window, making everything shine in a bright white light. For a moment, Levi wonders if this is it - if he has died and this is the afterlife - but then he notices the dust particles floating through the rays of light and the empty glasses of water by his bedside and realizes with a scowl that no, he is still very much alive and in Hange’s unkempt infirmary.

He wakes up alone and as the memories come flooding back to him, he can’t help but wonder how he got here. The last thing he remembers is feeling dizzy on his horse, and then black. Somehow, they made it back to the walls safely. Or at least he did. Levi glances around the empty room, but nobody else is to be found, and his first thought is of his Commander.

Did Erwin make it back safely, too?

Before Levi has a chance to worry too much, Hange is opening the door - rather loudly, he might add - and practically grinning from ear to ear when she realizes that he is awake. She summarizes everything as she examines his injuries - how they captured the titan, but realized quickly that he and Erwin were nowhere to be found, how they made the difficult decision to turn back without them. She tells him that aside from fatigue and a severely sprained wrist, he is fine. He needs some food, water and rest, but he will recover just fine.

And most importantly, she tells him that Erwin is alright, too.

“He was here earlier, waiting for you to wake up, but I think he went back to his quarters for some much needed rest,” she explains with a smile.

Levi eats what Hange gives him, drinks some water, and sleeps for a couple of hours, but before long, he’s itching to get out of bed, and she can’t really do much to keep him there. He also insists on taking a shower, feeling disgusting after going days without one, and Hange can’t really argue that, either.

When she finally lets him go, Levi makes a pit stop by his own room for a clean change of clothes before heading down to the showers, clean towel in hand as well. Thankfully, the room is empty, and Levi undresses in front of a sink, looking himself over in the mirror as he does so. Now that he’s naked, he realizes just how much his body has been through in the past few days, having come off of his horse twice on top of sleeping on the cold hard ground and not eating much. His body is riddled with little scrapes and bruises, the most prominent ones being on his knees and arms. A rather large, purpling bruise has begun forming on his right hip, as well, and he wonders if it’s from his second fall. There are also a few scrapes littered across his face, and Levi can’t help but lean forward to touch them, examining them closely in the mirror. It’s then that he notices a few other red marks on his neck and chest that certainly aren’t simply bruises, and at that, he turns away from the mirror. He already has a lot to think about, and what happened between him and Erwin is the last thing on that list.

Levi runs a hot shower and practically melts under the stream of water, letting it run over his body. He can practically feel the grime washing off of his skin, and ends up staying in the shower for much longer than anticipated, only leaving once his hands and feet are wrinkly and he’s breathing in nothing but steam.

Wrapping a towel around his waist, Levi exits the shower, and nearly jumps in surprise when he spies someone else in the room with him, just walking in the door. Of course, it’s Erwin, carrying a clean change of clothes himself and looking like he just woke up from a nap, messy hair and all.

Levi subconsciously grips the towel a little tighter around his waist at Erwin’s appearance. The thing is, he hasn’t really had the chance to think about what happened between them yet. He keeps pushing the thoughts to the back of his mind, telling himself that he’ll worry about it later. But looking at Erwin now, he can’t help but remember the way that he held him close, kissed him, moaned his name as he came. Levi can’t help but remember the way he felt in his mouth, his taste or the feeling of his hands in his hair.

But he shouldn’t be thinking about that right now. Now that his mind is a little clearer, now that they’re back home, Levi remembers why he never pursued Erwin before, why he never gave in to his feelings for him. It’s not practical. It would never work out. Captain and Commander… One of them would surely die before the other or decide that the relationship was unhealthy or unprofessional…

Before Levi’s thoughts run away with him, Erwin is speaking.

“Levi.”

It’s a simple greeting, one that Levi returns with a simple, “Hey.”

“You’re looking better,” Erwin comments, looking Levi up and down briefly. Levi snorts out a laugh in return.

“I look like I got the shit kicked out of me,” he mutters.

Erwin chuckles as well, but the silence that eventually settles over them afterward is stiff and awkward. Erwin takes that time to begin laying out his clean clothes, and Levi eventually pulls the towel off of his waist and uses it to dry his upper body and hair. It’s not the first time that he’s been naked in front of Erwin - that’s something that usually happens in the showers - but it’s the first time since they were together, and Erwin’s gaze feels heavier than usual when it lands on him.

When Levi glances up, however, Erwin is averting his eyes. The sight causes dread to settle in Levi’s stomach.

Levi pulls his underwear and pants on, and is reaching for his shirt when Erwin finally clears his throat. “Levi-” he starts, voice full of purpose and meaning, but Levi cuts him off.

“Don’t,” he says immediately. He feels like he knows where this conversation is going from the determined look on Erwin’s face and the way he averts his eyes.

What happened outside the walls doesn’t mean anything. It was a mistake.

“We should talk about what happened,” Erwin tries to continue, but Levi stops him short once more.

“Don’t worry about it,” he says, cutting to the chase before Erwin can. Maybe it’ll hurt less if he says it. “It was nothing.”

Erwin raises his eyebrows, quiet for a moment before finally asking, “Is that how you feel?”

This time, it’s Levi’s turn to shrug and avert his gaze. He’s had this conversation a million times in his head. It’s been the one thing that has kept him from acting on his feelings for Erwin. Men like them weren’t meant to have lovers, weren’t meant to find love in this fucked up world. It’ll only end in one or both of their deaths, in unrequited feelings or the need to get off but not to connect with someone. The latter is how Levi assumes Erwin feels. He doesn’t blame him for wanting to fuck, especially after being trapped in the cabin together for a few days, but now that they’re home, things are different. Thing are always going to be different.

“Yeah. It was cabin fever or some shit. I get it,” he mutters, “I haven’t gotten off in a while, either. It won’t happen again.”

“Levi-”

“Good night, Commander,” Levi says, clipped and cold, and before Erwin can do or say anything else, Levi is grabbing his shirt, turning on his heel, and walking away.

In a way, Levi doesn’t know which would be worse - finally giving in to his feelings for Erwin only to find out that he doesn’t return them, or doing so only to lose him, just as he’s lost everyone else he has ever cared about. It’s a fucked up way of thinking, but it’s the only way that Levi can see things panning out. Yeah, he wouldn’t mind fucking Erwin, wouldn’t mind feeling the other man’s body pressed up against his again, but in the end, that’s probably all it would be, a quick fuck here or there to relieve some tension. It’s why many of the soldiers go to the brothel on their days off, or find someone in town to sleep with whenever they can. None of them are in serious relationships, or if they are, there are no chances of them working out. The mortality rate in the Survey Corps is devastating, and Levi understands that.

It’s not worth the risk.

Even if he were to give in, even if he and Erwin fucked from time to time, just to relieve tension or stress, Levi knows that he’d always end up wanting more. He doesn’t simply see his Commander as a quick fuck. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. Sometimes he wishes it was.

So Levi stops things before they can get started. It’s hard, especially when he thinks about their time together in that shitty little cabin, the way Erwin kissed him and moaned his name, but it’s for the best. But that night, while Levi lies in bed and tries to get some much needed rest, he can’t help but remember the soft touch of Erwin’s fingers on his cheek, his lips. He can’t forget the way that Erwin opened up to him, the way he held him close afterwards, and the feeling for that brief moment, that if the world came crashing down around them, Levi wouldn’t care.

That’s a dangerous way to feel, though, and Levi has been pushing those feelings aside for years for a reason. He can’t afford to worry about love or lust, even if it’s for his Commander. He needs to be of clear mind, needs to be able to fight without worrying about his own life or the lives of anyone else, Erwin included. At the end of the day, they’re fighting a war, and Levi can’t afford to get caught up in the drama of falling in love with someone or worrying about what they may or may not think about him. It’s trivial and childish, and it’ll get him killed, so Levi pushes it down, just like he always has.

But this time, it’s a little harder than usual. And if Levi is being honest with himself, he hasn’t fought without worrying about another life in a long time. He’s always following Erwin, doing whatever he thinks it’ll take to achieve Erwin’s goals, and in a way, deep down, Levi knows it’s because he wants Erwin to win. He wants Erwin to be safe, secure and most importantly, he wants him to stay alive. If any of them deserve to live, it’s Erwin, and this isn’t the first time he’s had that thought.

If someone told Levi that Erwin would survive to win this war, and all he had to do to secure that victory was lay down his own life, he’d do it in a heartbeat.

This isn’t a new thought or feeling. This is something that Levi has felt for a long while, and two days after returning to the walls and his encounter with Erwin in the showers, Levi feels like a fucking idiot for thinking and acting the way he did back then. Even more so, he feels like an asshole for avoiding Erwin for the two days following. If he’s being honest with himself, his feelings for Erwin have dictated the way he acts and the things he does for years now. Regardless if Erwin returns his feelings or not, Levi will continue to perform the way he does now. Regardless, he will continue to fight for whatever Erwin believes in, even if that end goal seems so far away to him.

Levi hasn’t spoken to Erwin in two days, and he feels like an asshole for it. He let his own petty feelings and worries get in the way, and two days later, when he still hasn’t seen or spoken to Erwin, he feels like an idiot for letting it get this bad.

Levi plans on apologizing to Erwin for his actions, but unfortunately, he doesn’t run into him for the entire day. Training has been put on hold while the weather remains poor - it has been snowing on and off since they returned to the walls - and Hange has been putting all of her (and her entire squad’s) energy into studying the titan they successfully captured on their mission. The halls have been rather bare, and Levi is surprised that he doesn’t run into Erwin at least once throughout the day. He doesn’t even see him at breakfast or lunch in the mess hall, and when he asks Mike later in the day, the other man hasn’t seen him, either.

By the time dinner rolls around and Levi still hasn’t seen or heard from Erwin, he decides to grab a plate of food and deliver it to his office. They haven’t spoken, but he figures it’s as good of an apology as any. Maybe, he and Erwin can move forward and pretend that nothing ever happened beyond the walls in that shitty little cabin.

Levi knocks on Erwin’s door at a quarter past seven that evening, instead of just walking in like he normally does. And sure enough, Erwin’s voice calls him in from the other side, solidifying Levi’s suspicions - Erwin has shut himself in his room to work on paperwork, forgoing eating as he does sometimes. This is why Levi needs to put his shitty feelings behind him - because Erwin needs him when he forgets to take care of himself.

Letting himself inside, Levi closes the door behind himself with his foot and steps forward. When Erwin looks up, his lips threatens to twitch into a smile but doesn’t. Levi catches it and averts his eyes, looking purposely at Erwin’s desk instead.

“Levi.”

“I brought you some food,” Levi offers in greeting, “You need to eat.”

“Ah.” Erwin sets his pen down, pulling the plate close as soon as Levi sets it down. “Thank you, I must have forgotten. Please, have a seat.”

“It’s after seven,” Levi mutters, but he listens and takes a seat in the chair adjacent to Erwin’s. “You need to take care of yourself. It would be embarrassing if the Commander went out like this.” He motions around Erwin’s messy office. Papers litter his desk, dirty clothes tossed carelessly in the corner. Erwin gets like this when he doesn’t want to deal with reality.

Erwin chuckles in return, and in between bites of food, he makes small talk with Levi.

“How is Hange’s research going?” he asks, as if he hasn’t spoken to her since returning. Maybe he hasn’t. They both have a way of getting too engrossed in their work.

“I’ve been avoiding her,” Levi admits, “You know how she gets when she’s excited about something. It’s fucking terrifying.”

Erwin smiles. “It can be,” he muses, “But she has good intentions.”

Levi simply hums in response. Erwin eats in silence. For a moment, things don’t feel forced or awkward. For a moment, they feel like they used to before their most recent mission beyond the walls, before everything changed.

While Erwin eats, Levi reaches forward, plucking a few papers off of his desk. He’s sure it’s probably just paperwork for their next mission or Hange’s research, but he can’t help but wonder what has kept Erwin cooped up all day. Another side of him just wants to clean the mess up and tell Erwin to go to bed and worry about it in the morning.

It’s when Levi’s eyes scan over the words on the paper that reality seems to come crashing down around him, though. Suddenly, things don’t feel normal. They aren’t normal, they aren’t going to be, and Levi knows that when he begins reading over the military’s fraternization policies.

“The fuck is this?” Levi mutters before he can stop the words from coming out of his mouth. Honestly, he just wants to forget he ever saw it, but he can’t help but ask. He told Erwin to drop it, to forget about everything that happened while they were stuck outside the walls, but apparently, he hasn’t. Apparently, he has been worrying himself with it all day.

“Fraternization policies,” Erwin says, as if Levi didn’t just read it himself. He pushes his half-eaten plate of food aside, leaning forward on his desk to fix his gaze on Levi. “I’ve been doing some research.”

“I can see that,” Levi mutters, “Why?”

Why didn’t you just drop it? Why can’t you just forget about it?

“There are no official rules against a Commander and Captain being in a relationship, as long as they are two consenting adults,” Erwin explains, voice firm and official, as if reciting the words from the paper.

Levi can’t help but snort in response. “You think that’s what this is about?”

Erwin doesn’t say anything in response, and instead, just looks up at him expectantly. He wonders if Erwin purposely left those papers sitting there for him to find, to bring up. He wouldn’t put it past him.

He sighs, standing from his spot across from Erwin. “You don’t need to worry about fraternization policies,” Levi mutters, “What happened in the cabin was a mistake. It was stupid, okay?”

“You’re lying,” Erwin says, leaning back confidently into to comfort of his chair, “I can see right through you, Levi.”

“Fuck off,” Levi bites. In an instant, he regrets ever coming to Erwin. He thought he was ready to move on, thought that Erwin would just drop the subject, but he was wrong. Levi turns on his heel to leave, but not before he hears the scraping of a chair against the floor. Erwin is close behind, and Levi should see it coming, but doesn’t, when he reaches out to grab his wrist to stop him. With clenched teeth, Levi attempts to rip his arm from Erwin’s grasp, but his grip is tight.

“Levi,” Erwin’s voice is steady, calm and collected, “Tell me what’s going on.”

“Is that an order?” Levi spits. He’s seething, feels cornered. He keeps his eyes downcast, refusing to turn around and look at Erwin. He came to Erwin tonight because he wanted his friend and Commander back, not because he wanted to talk about his own shitty emotions.

To Levi’s surprise, though, Erwin loosens his grip on his wrist before letting go completely. “No,” he says, voice soft, verging on a whisper, “No, it isn’t.”

Levi realizes that this is his chance. He can leave now without looking back, and chances are, Erwin will never press the issue again. He’ll forget all about it, just like Levi insists. He’s good at compartmentalizing things, Levi knows it won’t be a problem for him. But at the same time, Levi can hear the hurt and concern in Erwin’s voice. Regardless of Levi’s feelings for him, they’ve always been close. Erwin is the only person that Levi has been about to fully trust in years, and Levi has never shut him out like this. He has always been honest with Erwin about everything, even his not so glamorous past.

So, instead of leaving like every nerve in his body screams at him to do, Levi eventually turns. Slowly but surely, he looks up at Erwin with narrowed eyes. “You’re really gonna make me say it?”

Erwin doesn’t say anything in response - what’s he supposed to say? - and instead, just waits for Levi to go on. In response, Levi glances to the side, averting his eyes and biting his lip.

Finally, voice low and quiet, he mutters, “I don’t want you to fucking die.” It’s the closest Levi will ever get to saying the words that he really wants to say, the ones that he can feel bubbling up in his chest, words he has felt for years but is too terrified to utter. Instead, Levi continues, “I don’t want to lose you, and I don’t want to find out that you don’t feel the same way. And the shitty part is, I can’t decide which is worse.”

Still, Erwin doesn’t say anything. He looks surprised by Levi’s admission, though, eyes wide and lips parted.

“There, are you happy?” Levi spits. He averts his eyes again, turning once more to leave. This time, it isn’t a hard grip on his wrist that stops him, but a steady hand on his shoulder. And unlike the last time Erwin stopped him, Levi doesn’t want to run, he doesn’t want to pull away. He lets Erwin turn him around, and suddenly, he’s all over Levi’s space, too close but not close enough. He holds onto Levi’s elbow with his other hand, pulling him closer.

“How long have you felt this way?” Erwin asks at last, voice low. His eyes search Levi’s face for the answer, for anything really, and finally, Levi meets his gaze.

He considers lying, but thinks better of it. Erwin will be able to see right through him like usual, and there’s no point in hiding anymore, not when he’s already laid everything out there for him to see. He feels stripped raw, even more so than the day that Farlan and Isabel died, more so than he felt when Erwin was pressed against him, moaning his name and bringing him to climax. “Years,” he breaths, and it feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

Before Levi can think to say anything else, before he can process what he just admitted out loud, Erwin is releasing his grip on his arms, cupping his face in his hands and dipping down to kiss him. This time, Levi knows that to expect when they kiss. He arches up on his toes and into the press of Erwin’s lips, his own hands going straight to the other man’s shoulders to balance himself. This isn’t what he expected when he walked in Erwin’s door this evening, but he certainly isn’t backing away now, not with the way that Erwin holds him like he’s delicate, like he’s something precious. No, now Levi kisses back, holding onto Erwin for dear life until they eventually part to catch their breath.

Levi tries to lean in, tries to press his face to Erwin’s shoulder or chest or something to hide the flush on his cheeks, but Erwin stops him with tender fingers on his chin, pulling his face up to look at him. The eye contact is loaded, something that Levi would normally shy away from, but he holds Erwin’s gaze, even leaning into the touch.

“You thought I didn’t want this…” Erwin murmurs, his fingers ghosting along his chin, his jaw, down to his neck. “What gave you that idea?”

Now Levi does break the eye contact as he shakes his head, glancing to the side. “I don’t know,” he mutters. And he doesn’t really have an answer, because now that Erwin is in front of him, holding him close, kissing him, he has no idea why he ever doubted that he’d feel the same way. They’ve been inseparable ever since Levi made the decision to stay in the Survey Corps. Despite their rocky start, Erwin has always held a considerable amount of trust and respect for Levi, something that has only grown stronger over time. Levi has no idea why he thought that Erwin wouldn’t return his feelings, but now he feels stupid for having ever thought so.

“I want this,” Erwin’s soft voice brings Levi out of his thoughts again, and he looks up once more, meeting Erwin’s gaze. “I want you, Levi.”

Without another word, they’re kissing again, Levi closing the gap between them this time. His arms find their place around Erwin’s neck, their bodies pressed together in the middle of his office where anyone could walk in, and Levi finds that he really doesn’t give a shit if that happens. He parts his lips, reveling in the taste and feeling of Erwin’s tongue against his own, the heaviness of his arms around his middle and the warm press of his body, and for the first time in a long time, Levi gives in. Erwin is all over Levi, suffocating him, consuming him, igniting him, and Levi gives in, lets the fire burning low in his chest take over his entire body.

Erwin ends up walking Levi backward eventually, back until he’s pressed against the hard wood door, until he feels Erwin reaching down to turn the lock and click it into place with a flick of his wrist. He doesn’t say anything, though, doesn’t do anything to stop him, because he wants this too. This isn’t anything new, he’s already seen Erwin naked plenty of times, and as of a few days ago, he has already touched him, watched him fall apart, heard him moan his name, but this is different. This time, it feels real, solid. It isn’t rushed and desperate on the floor of a shitty cabin, unsure if they’ll make it to live another day. This time, it’s slow, careful, easy.

When Erwin’s mouth moves from Levi’s lips to his jaw, Levi simply tilts his head up, allowing him better access to the expanse of his neck, or at least the parts of it that aren’t covered up by his uniform or cravat. Erwin is gentle, tentative, lips barely brushing the skin of his neck and jaw, pressing butterfly light kisses as he goes.

“Stay the night,” Erwin murmurs in between kisses, his lips brushing Levi’s ear, and Levi knows he’s going to say yes before he even has a chance to process the words. Yes, of course he’ll stay. Now that he’s here, now that he has him, he doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

Erwin is all over Levi when he presses him into the bed, Levi spreading his thighs to accommodate his body. He consumes Levi with his lips and teeth and tongue, his fingers quickly and gently unbuttoning his shirt as he kisses him breathless. And still, he’s ever present, making sure Levi is comfortable before he moves forward.

“If you don’t want this-” he starts, pausing with his hands on Levi’s cravat. He doesn’t get the chance to finish his thought.

“Don’t you fucking stop,” Levi bites, words harsh and bitter but voice sticky sweet, “I swear to God Erwin if you stop-”

And then it’s Erwin’s turn to interrupt with a low chuckle, pressing his face into the crook of Levi’s neck. He doesn’t have to speak for the words that are on his mind to resonate.

How did I get so lucky?

After that, it is all heavy hands and hungry lips. Erwin rids Levi of his shirt rather quickly, pulling it open and off of his arms when Levi sits up to help him out. It’s the first time that he’s had the chance to appreciate Levi’s body, and that’s exactly what he does with his hands and lips and tongue, and occasionally his teeth. Erwin starts at the crook of his neck, sucking marks alongside the already fading ones from their first time together. This time it isn’t rushed, though. This time, Erwin brushes his fingers experimentally across Levi’s nipples, and when he earns a soft intake of breath in response, Levi can feel him smiling against his skin, moving lower with his lips. When Erwin takes one into his mouth, Levi can’t help but arch up into the sensation, his fingers threading through Erwin’s hair. He wants to do this to Erwin, too, wants to watch him fall apart beneath him, but right now, he can’t bring himself to move, let alone flip the positions to get the upper hand.

One of Erwin’s hands trails lower as he mouths at Levi’s nipples, fingers dancing across his abdomen and hips teasingly. Everywhere Erwin touches, he leaves a wildfire in his wake. Levi ignites under his lips and fingertips and it leaves him feeling warm, full, and squirming underneath him.

Levi is gasping Erwin’s name before he even really properly touches him, but the palm pressing down against his hardness isn’t half bad either. Levi arches into the touch, fingers tightening in Erwin’s hair, and he wants to be embarrassed of how quickly he is falling apart, but he doesn’t dwell on it, because everything is Erwin and it doesn’t matter. Erwin doesn’t care. He smiles against Levi’s skin, sucking a dark mark into his stomach and murmurs praises against him, half of which Levi can’t even distinguish, but again, he can’t bring himself to care.

It isn’t until Levi looks down at Erwin with heavy lids that he decides to even the playing field, because for everything they’ve been doing, Erwin still looks relatively put together, and Levi wants to change that. He wants Erwin to fall apart in front of him, and he wants to be the one to make him do it.

So without saying a word, Levi reaches down, fisting Erwin’s collar and bolo tie in his hand, and pulls him up, propping himself up on an elbow to meet him halfway. Levi devours his lips, hungry and desperate, and if Erwin had any protest before, he surely doesn’t now as he melts into the kiss, easily allowing Levi to manhandle him without question.

Levi doesn’t spend quite as long unbuttoning and ridding Erwin of his shirt as Erwin did to him, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t admire his body just as much as Erwin did to him. Using his lower body strength to his advantage - and the fact that Erwin is in a vulnerable position between his legs - Levi flips them over with ease, and before long, their roles have reversed. He straddles Erwin’s thick thighs, seated just above his hard cock, which he can feel beneath him, but he doesn’t make a move to touch him quite yet. Instead, Levi worships Erwin’s body in his own way, latching his lips onto his neck, reaching down with lightning fast hands to play with and pinch Erwin’s nipples.

Sure enough, his actions earn him the response he craves, and Erwin is arching beneath him, gasping out his name in half the time it took him to get Levi riled up. Levi can’t help but smirk as he sucks a claim into Erwin’s skin, because Erwin is just as sensitive and desperate as he is.

“Ah, Levi,” Erwin rasps beneath him, his hands finding their place on Levi’s thighs, and that’s when Levi finally decides to sit up, grinding down experimentally on the hard line of Erwin’s cock.

“You feel good,” Levi murmurs, voice thick and syrupy. He realizes that he almost sounds drunk, slurring his words, and supposes that this is just as good, if not better. Erwin’s scent and taste are intoxicating, after all.

He leans down, rotating his hips once more, and lets his lips brush the shell of Erwin’s ear. “I want you,” he murmurs, his words an echo of something Erwin said to him not too long ago, but with a completely different connotation. “Do you-”

“Yeah,” Erwin groans before Levi can even get the question out. “My bedside table.”

Reluctantly, Levi rises from his spot on Erwin’s lap to pull the drawer open, spying a bottle of lube, but nothing else. He reaches inside before shutting it, and sets the vile next to them on the bed.

“Are you clean?” Levi murmurs leaning down to mouth at Erwin’s neck again. He grinds his hips down once more.

“Yeah,” Erwin breaths, then sturdier, “Yes.”

“Good, me too,” Levi sighs, “I wanna feel you.”

And apparently, that’s enough for Erwin. In the blink of an eye, he’s flipping them again, settling on his knees between Levi’s spread thighs before Levi even has a chance to register what just happened. He wants to argue - wanted to be in charge, wanted Erwin to fall apart underneath him - but then Erwin’s hands are at his waistband, unbuckling his belt before unzipping his pants and shifting them down. This feels familiar, as it’s somewhere they’ve been in the past week, but again, it’s different. The heat in Levi’s belly is warmer, heavier, and the pounding in his chest is louder, harder. He lifts his hips, and in one swift motion, Erwin is pulling his pants and underwear down and over his ass, down until he’s pulling them off and tossing them off to the side. And just like that, Levi is naked underneath him, cock hard and leaking against his stomach. They’ve been here before, but not like this, and the desperation is nearly tenfold.

Erwin doesn’t touch him right away. Instead, he lets his hands trail softly over his abdomen, over his hips and thighs. They pause at Levi’s cuts and bruises, especially the large dark one that found a home on Levi’s right hip. Erwin doesn’t press his fingers into it, but they dance across the purpling skin, lips parted in what seems like awe.

“Remarkable,” he murmurs, eyes roaming over Levi’s body, “You’re beautiful, Levi.”

Levi wants to tell him to stop spouting bullshit and just get on with it, wants to beg Erwin to touch him, but before he can even get the words out, Erwin is running a finger up his length and Levi is shuddering at the touch, precome beading at his head. Involuntarily, Levi’s hips buck up into the touch, which earns a low chuckle from Erwin and another soft touch, his finger rubbing over his slit, spreading precome along his length.

“Fuck,” Levi mutters, “Erwin, just -”

Levi’s words are cut short, however, when Erwin finally touches him properly, pumping his length slowly but thoroughly a couple of times before pulling away completely. He’s taking Levi apart piece by piece, and while Levi wants to beg Erwin to just fuck him already, he also can’t help but love the feather light, teasing touches, the soft words of encouragement.

Lost in his own hazy world, Levi misses when Erwin begins to shift further down the bed, but he’s brought very quickly back to reality when his thighs are nudged further apart, hips lifted slightly off the bed. He gets about half of Erwin’s name out when he realizes what he’s about to do, but the word dies on his tongue when Erwin licks his hole the first time, tongue heavy and wet and flat against his tight skin. Levi can’t help but let out a surprised, shuddering moan in response, and he swears he feels Erwin smiling against him before he does it again, adjusting his grip on Levi, spreading his cheeks before giving him another slow lick.

Erwin’s hands are firm on his ass, fingers spreading his cheeks as he paints over Levi’s hole with his tongue, giving it a tentative press with the tip of it every so often. Levi tenses at first, fingers gripping the sheets, but Erwin coaxes him into relaxation, fingers kneading his ass, breath hot against his skin. Eventually, Levi finds himself fisting his hands in Erwin’s hair, pressing him down encouragingly, lifting his hips a little higher off the bed to give him better access, even arching into the soft press of his tongue after some time, calling Erwin’s name on breathy gasps.

Eventually, Erwin pulls away, sucking a mark into Levi’s inner thigh, holding his hips off the bed with one hand with he presses against Levi’s hole with a slick thumb. The sudden pressure causes Levi to let out yet another breathy moan, and Erwin kisses his thigh encouragingly, pressing the slick digit a little harder against him until Levi relents. “That’s it,” Erwin murmurs against his thigh, “Just like that. Come on, let me hear you, Levi.”

It’s the most either of them have spoken since this first started, and Levi lets out a low, shuddering moan at the deep sound of Erwin’s voice, at the way he nearly growls his name. Before long, Erwin is pulling his thumb away, kissing and licking at his hole once more, and Levi has to stop himself from completely falling apart. His cock is painfully hard and leaking precome all over his stomach, and he wants nothing more than to touch himself, to fuck into his hand like he did back in the cabin and come all over his chest in front of Erwin, but he holds back. Instead, he closes his eyes, arches his back, and presses into Erwin’s tongue.

Eventually, two more slick digits begin pressing alongside his tongue at Levi’s entrance, and he can’t help the way he cants his hips up invitingly. “Yes,” he breaths, before Erwin can even ask or do anything, “Yes, please, Erwin.”

And then, there are two slick fingers pressing into his hole, opening him up slowly and gently, touching him in the same exact way that Erwin has been touching him all night. Levi wants to tell him that he can go faster, that he can fuck him hard, fast, that he can hold him down and stuff his cock inside, but he can’t form any words, not with the slow way that Erwin draws this out. He curls his fingers experimentally, pumping them in and out of Levi, and it’s all Levi can do to scramble for purchase on Erwin’s shoulders and arms and every little bit of his body he can reach.

While he opens him up, Ewrin presses a soft kiss to Levi’s bruised knee, his purpling hip, his inner thigh. “Perfect,” he murmurs after one particularly hard thrust that leaves Levi curling his toes and crying out, “You’re perfect, Levi.”

“Hah,” Levi breaths, rocking his hips back against Erwin’s fingers. He’s teasing a third at Levi’s entrance now, and Levi feels like he’ll fall apart if Erwin doesn’t stick it inside soon. He  needs something more, anything more. He wants Erwin’s cock, but he’ll take another finger, too. “You’re a fucking tease,” he counters.

Erwin breaths out a chuckle, pressing a kiss to the base of Levi’s cock as he finally pushes a third finger inside. All stretched out and pliant, Levi’s hole accepts the digit greedily and he thrusts back against Erwin’s hand in an attempt to make him get on with it.

“I want your cock,” Levi groans at last, once Erwin has been fucking him with three fingers for nearly another minute. Levi feels the hot heat pooling in his belly, his toes curling, and he’ll be damned if he comes before he gets to feel Erwin inside of him. “Come on, Erwin,” he rasps, “Fuck me.”

And apparently, the sound of Levi’s voice, completely and utterly wrecked, on the verge of orgasm, does it for Erwin. He presses his head against Levi’s inner thigh and withdraws his fingers, hands flying to his own pants instead. Levi is quick to sit up though, batting his hands away to replace them with his own. He doesn’t have to say a word for Erwin to understand what he wants, and Levi makes quick work of his pants, pulling them open and down, allowing Erwin to finish taking them off all the way.

Now that Erwin is naked in front of him, Levi takes his time to drink in the sight - his lean, muscular body, his cock hard and aching and leaking precome, hanging heavy between his legs. Erwin’s chest is also littered in fading and new love marks, and Levi can’t help the flush he feels at the sight. Some day, he wants to mark up Erwin’s entire body, from his chest and neck to his thighs and ass and cock. He wants all of him, and he wants him now.

Cutting his thoughts short, Erwin presses a wet, hungry kiss to Levi’s lips, and Levi arches up to meet him, only pulling away once he’s breathless. Erwin slicks up his cock quickly, and then, he’s lifting Levi’s hips once more, drawing his legs up so that one is hanging over his shoulder. When he presses in, it’s with one slow, long thrust that has Levi’s head falling back against the pillows, his entire body going limp. He could come at just the feeling of Erwin entering him, practically splitting him in half despite the amount of time he spent preparing him, but Levi holds off his orgasm, waiting for Erwin to start moving.

It’s slow at first, each of them learning the other’s body, but after one particularly hard thrust that has Levi crying out beneath him, blunt nails digging into his shoulders, Erwin picks up the pace a bit. Before long the only sound in the room is the frantic slapping of skin on skin, of Levi’s breathy gasps and Erwin’s deep moans. Levi’s hands scramble for purchase on Erwin’s skin, finally settling on his shoulders while Erwin holds onto his hips, fingers digging painfully into the bruise on his right side. Levi arches into the touch though, into the press of his fingers and the drag of his cock, his nerves on fire. It feels as if Erwin is consuming him, owning him, and Levi doesn’t resist, doesn’t fight it. Instead, he meets Erwin’s every thrust, feeling his orgasm building once more.

Erwin watches when Levi begins touching himself, jerking his cock desperately. With hungry eyes, he encourages Levi, and when he decides his gaze isn’t enough, he presses his face against Levi’s shoulder, breathing soft words against his skin.

“Just like that, Levi, you’re amazing,” he murmurs, “Come on, come for me.”

And that’s really all it takes, Erwin’s deep voice in his ear is more than enough to bring Levi over the edge, shooting thick ropes of come between their bodies, mouth open on a silent moan, back bowing under the force of his orgasm. Erwin’s hips seem to double in speed as well, and Levi can feel his balls slapping against his ass, the sound of skin on skin loud in his ears. It isn’t long after Levi comes that Erwin is tumbling over the edge as well, spilling hot inside of him and stifling a shuddering moan into Levi’s neck.

Erwin’s spent body is heavy on top of him as he comes down, and they’re both sticky with sweat and come, but Levi can’t bring himself to care. Instead, he finds his fingers running through Erwin’s sweaty hair and softly up and down his back.

Eventually, Erwin rolls off of him, and without thinking about it, Levi is reaching down to grab one of their discarded articles of clothing to clean himself off. He’ll worry about clean clothes in the morning, but right now, he just wants to lie with Erwin. Apparently, Erwin has that same idea as well, because as soon as he has cleaned himself off, he’s throwing an arm across Levi’s middle, pressing a kiss to his shoulder, his neck, his cheek, the corner of his mouth and finally, his lips.

After a few easy minutes of silence, Erwin is the first to speak.

“I knew there was something special about you from the very first time I saw you,” he murmurs, breath soft on Levi’s skin.

Levi hums in response. “Was it then that you decided you wanted to fuck me?”

Erwin chuckles against him before sitting up, looking down at him with a very serious look etched into his face. Levi almost asks him what it’s all about, but then Erwin is speaking again. “No, but it was then that I started to fall in love with you.”

Levi doesn’t say anything in response. He doesn’t have to. The words are there, stuck in his throat, but Erwin doesn’t force him to let them out. In fact, before Levi can even say anything in response, Erwin is leaning down to kiss him again, as if to tell him that he doesn’t have to return the words, not now, not ever if he’s not ready. And for that simple, quiet moment, everything is okay.

The wind is chilly on Levi’s face, cutting through his thin jacket and shirt, but it’s nowhere near as cold as the biting wind of winter. They’re standing just on the edge of summer, watching the seasons change and the sun rise right before their eyes, and the cool breeze is a nice relief, a nice change from the blistering heat that Levi has grown accustomed to over the past few months outside the walls.

As he and Erwin stand on the edge of the cliff, overlooking the vibrant green valleys and hills and mountaintops before them, Levi finds it hard to believe that it has already been three years since that frigid expedition outside the walls, since their nights in the small abandoned cabin and the days following, days Levi spend cooped up in Erwin’s room, first because he didn’t want to leave his bed, and later because he developed a nasty cold from being out in the elements for so long. It’s been three years, and finally, they’re able to stand out in the open without fear of impending attack or ambush. Levi isn’t even wearing his maneuver gear, doesn’t for days at a time now, and it feels nice. It feels right.

Finally, they’re able to stand together on the edge of a cliff, on the edge of summer, overlooking a brand new, unexplored world with the wind in their hair and freedom in their hearts.

Many things have changed in three years. Levi stands at Erwin’s left side now, an empty sleeve blowing on his right. Their squad is less than half the size it was when the war first started, but the remaining soldiers are strong and resilient. Many things have changed, but some things are the same. Erwin still feels like home next to Levi, no matter where they may go, no matter how many new things and places they may come across. Levi always has a home at Erwin’s side, and that is something that will never change.

The view is beautiful, and as they admire it together, Levi leans his head against Erwin’s shoulder, reaching out for his hand. When their fingers meet, Levi intertwines them, memorizing the lines and callouses of Erwin’s hand all over again.

The past three years haven’t been easy. They’ve both lost more than they care to think about on most days, both have sacrificed so much of their lives for the battle they fought on a daily basis, but it’s all worth it in this moment. The freedom, the hope that Levi feels in this moment is unparalleled, save for the first time that Levi left the walls, and the first time that Erwin told Levi that he loved him.

He’s never been able to say the words back for fear of losing the one thing, the one person that he cared about most in this world, but now that they’re free, now that they’ve made it and are literally standing on the edge of the rest of their lives, the three simple words come easy to Levi.

“I love you,” he murmurs, voice soft and simple.

Erwin is still for a moment, but eventually, he wraps his remaining arm around Levi’s middle, pulling him closer to his body.

“I know,” comes Erwin’s simple reply before he presses a kiss to the crown of Levi’s head.

“I’ve never said it,” Levi says, turning to look up at Erwin.

Erwin just smiles in return. His fingers move softly and gently at Levi’s side. “You didn’t have to.”

The moment is broken by the crunching sound of boots approaching from behind them. Levi lifts his head up, separates from Erwin a little, but Erwin doesn’t loosen his grip around his middle. The pair have long since stopped trying to hide their relationship from their squad, as many have them had already assumed that they were together anyway.

“Commander!” comes Armin’s call from behind them. He clears his throat, obviously noticing the embrace that he has found Erwin and Levi in, and adds quieter, “Captain. We’re ready to depart.”

Erwin finally turns at that, letting go of Levi in the process. “Thank you, Armin,” he says with a smile, “We will be there shortly.”

And with a quick salute, Armin is turning and making his way back to the others.

After a few moments of silence, Levi is shifting at Erwin’s side. “We should get going,” he says reluctantly, giving the beautiful view behind them one last glance.

“Yes,” Erwin agrees, “We should.”

At his words, Levi turns to walk away, to follow Armin - self-assured and all grown up now - back to camp, but Erwin catches his wrist to stop him short. He releases his grip as soon as Levi turns on instinct, and Levi opens his mouth to ask why he stopped him, but doesn’t even get a word out before Erwin is dipping down and kissing him, lips soft and gentle. It’s a kiss that leaves Levi lingering, eyes closed and arching up for more, but Erwin’s hand, soft on his cheek shakes him out of it.

“I love you too, Levi,” he murmurs, breath warm on Levi’s lips.

Levi closes the gap between them once more.