Chapter Text
Act 1
SCENE ONE
(On the stage is just the character PEPPER. Pepper is standing there, alone for about 3 and a half hours. Audience is bored. Suddenly, there was a dug out in the world war. Guns are happening, because it isn’t the war. It’s dark in the trenches, and there are letters lining the floor. Then, all the characters come on stage. They do an short Irish Jig, and each character squeezes all of the other character’s nipples. Banquo and Banquo’s ghost just squeeze each other’s, and nobody else squeeze they’re’s.)
HARDY: I am singing the song! Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I am singing th’song!
(Hardy is sitting on the floor, rubbing himself. Trotter digs his fist into a pineapple, and groans.)
TROTTER: It wants some pepper, Stanhope.
HARDY: Bring us some pepper, will you, Mason?
(hardy is killed by a shell. The shell is revealed to be Mason. Pepper begins to rain from the sky.)
(there is silence)
OSBORNE (breaking the silence, by walking in): Well, it’s time for me to do army things, and et cetera! Maps and Guns!
(Raleigh enters)
RALEIGH: Yes! It is time to do this! I am keen and young!
OSBORNE: (softly) Whom are you?
RALEIGH: I am Sir Raleigh! I am keen and young! I want to see Stanhope.
OSBORNE: I am Stanned Hope, the commander of the platoon
(Osborne’s mental condition is worsening quickly. He thinks so many things, but they are never true. Raleigh wonders how Stanhope has aged so quickly, then realises that Osborne is not Stanhope, but a decrepit;)
MASON: Soup’s ‘ere! Nice and hot! I am Mason, culinary chef. (very slowly):
Try my dishes.
RALEIGH: Why thank you, Mason!
(Trotter dies, because Hibbert starts doing the soup. Which will only happen once!)
STANHOPE: I have just entered the room. My name is Stanhope, but the men call me Stanhope. How do you d- (pause) -wait, it’s Raleigh?
OSBORNE: Hi, I am Raleigh!
(Osborne is not Raleigh.)
(enter R.C Sherrifff, slowly)
R.C SHERRIFF: Hi, I’m Priestly, the commander of this play. And for a bit of backstory: I am the one what wrote this story. And also, Stanhope and Raleigh know eachother from outside of school.
(there’s about 2 seconds of awkward silence. Hibbert starts putting on a dress and becomes ladies.)
(enter MacBeth)
MACBETH: Where is he, WHERE IS HE?
(enter Banquo’s ghost, looking around, puzzled. He exits after 3 seconds.)
(enter Banquo)
BANQUO: Hi!
(MacBeth stabs Banquo. MacBeth Banquoque exeunt.)
STANHOPE: The war.
RALEIGH: Hi, yes, Stanhope, it is me! Raleigh!
STANHOPE: Hi Raleigh! Oh my, it has been so a while since I saw such faces!
(Raleigh stares blankly, a large wizard staring back at him. Something awakens within Raleigh.)
RALEIGH: So, the war, what’s up with it?
(Hibbert, Trotter, Osborne, Stanhope, General Commissioner and Mason all form a circle around Raleigh and link arms.)
RALEIGH: Who are these people?
HIBBERT: Hi! I’m neuralgia Hibbert. (Hibbert’s neuralgia). I am ladies!
TROTTER: I am Fat Trotter!
MASON: Soup’s ‘ere! Nice ‘n hot.
TROTTER: It wants some pepper, Stanhope.
OSBORNE: Hi Trotter! I am stanhope.
RALEIGH: Thanks! The Spring Offensive could come at any minute.
HIBBERT: I agree, I think the spring offensive could come at any minute, since the guns are getting much closer by the minute.
(enter The Spring Offensive. Everybody screams.)
EVERYBODY: Aahhh!
(Audience is spooked. There is a short pause – nobody knows what quite what to do. Then, the scene ends.)
SCENE TWO
(flashback to earlier; the audience is spooked. The spring offensive is standing there, shouting angrily.)
THE SPRING OFFENSIVE: Poo! Poo! I hate the Brits! Poo! Poo! Poo!
GENERAL COMMISIONER: (running in) Everyone! It’s the Spring Offensive!
EVERYONE: Aahh!
THE SPRING OFFENSIVE: Yeah, yeah. It’s me! The spring offensive! I’m here to do guns.
HIBBERT: That’s cool and shit, but have you is ladies?
(Hibbert is ladies)
GENERAL COMMISIONER: Enough chit-chat! Guys, we need to do the wiring raid, which will happen just once! Who wants to go?
OSBORNE: I will! I’m the commander of this party, It’s my duty! And I’ll bring my long lost friend, what I know from Rugger, Raleigh!
RALEIGH: Okay!
OSBORNE (to trotter): Let’s go, Raleigh!
(‘Stanhope’ and ‘Raleigh’ go on the wiring raid.)
(they do the wiring raid.)
THE SPRING OFFENSIVE: I’m going to kill Osborne NOW!
(the spring offensive stabs Osborne.)
OSBORNE: Fuck! (Osborne dies).
STANHOPE: The war.
TROTTER: Shit! Osborne’s dead!
(they party)
(raleigh walks as though he were dead)
TROTTER: Thanks, guys! Nice part Stanhope!
HIBBERT: Nice party, Stanhope! Have we talked about my lady postcards yet?
STANHOPE: Shut up Hibbert! Go to bed!
TROTTER: Gad Damn it!
RALEIGH: Guys, how can you party when yall just saw Osborne fucking die?
STANHOPE: SHUT IT, BOY! (Stanhope tries to stab Raleigh but the Spring offensive holds him back.)
CURTAIN FALLS- END OF ACT ONE