Chapter Text
Jisung isn't sure how long he stayed on that sidewalk, but at some point, he made it back to the dorm. He doesn’t remember the actual walk, his feet just leading the way while his head felt both too full and too empty at the same time.
His phone buzzes loudly on his desk like it has done several times that morning already, but he doesn’t spare the vibrating phone a glance, his eyes fixed on the ceiling from his splayed-out position on his bed.
They are brothers…
What’s that black spot on the ceiling?
Minho and Felix are fucking brothers…
He couldn’t possibly have spilled anything that high up.
And now they are at their mom’s birthday…
He should try and clean it.
Doing who knows what later…
Would he be able to reach it?
While he is right here…
Maybe if he stands on his desk.
On his bed…
He would have to move it a bit closer.
Just staring at the ceiling…
What could it even be?
Wondering about a black spo-
“ARRH!” Jisung jumps off of the bed, eyes still on the black spot that is now moving across the ceiling. A fucking spider. He shivers. He isn’t a big fan of spiders. He watches as it crawls toward his closet, disappearing somewhere on top of it.
Great.
He sits down backward on his desk chair, leaning his arms on the back of it with his eyes fixed on the top of the closet now. When that spider comes out of its hiding spot again, he isn’t going to be caught off guard. What he’s going to do when he sees it again, he has no idea.
He wishes the spider would have distracted him for longer because it doesn't take long before his thoughts find their way back to his current predicament.
Half of him is absolutely over the moon after everything that’s happened. Felix said that he wanted more—more with Jisung—and then he kissed him like he really meant it.
But all that happiness doesn’t feel like it matters all that much when the other half of him is—
Struggling.
He knows he should be thrilled that he had a threesome with two very hot and sexy men; anyone else would surely be ecstatic after a night like that.
Then why does it leave him feeling so uneasy?
Is it because of the whole brother part of it all? That would leave most people feeling uneasy, he’s sure.
But, no, as much as that might leave him confused and feeling a whole bunch of things, that isn’t what makes his stomach turn every time he thinks about last night.
He sighs like he's done an unbelievable amount of times already and drops his chin on top of his folded arms.
He knows exactly why. It’s because there is one person in all of this who he has no idea what is thinking.
Who is Minho even?
Despite all their hook-ups, Jisung doesn’t know him. Not that he’s tried to get to know him, but Minho hasn’t either. It’s been simple between them: fuck and goodbye. And then deal with Minho’s hot and cold personality the rest of the time, pretending like nothing ever happened.
But now what? Are they going to get to know each other like he heard Felix suggest to him? Does Minho want that?
Because they have one very big thing in common: they both want Felix.
He heard the way Minho spoke to Felix, heard him telling him that he would do anything for him, how much he’d missed him. Heard him call Felix his everything.
And Felix—
Felix likes Jisung.
But he loves Minho.
Jisung heard that as well.
A smarter man than Jisung would’ve pulled himself out of the equation already. Let Minho and Felix be whatever they are and save himself from the inevitable heartbreak. But how could Jisung ever do that? How could he ever tell Felix that he only wants to be friends when that is the farthest from the truth?
He is in too deep now, and there is no turning back.
Jisung, you are not getting out of this alive.
He’s dozing off when a loud knock on the door startles him awake. His arms slide down the backrest in shock, resulting in his chin hitting it hard and almost making him fall to the floor.
“Jisung, it’s me!”
Changbin. Of course, it is Changbin.
“I’m not really in the mood for company,” Jisung yells back as he straightens up, rubbing his chin.
“Too bad, I’m not planning on leaving. Just open the door so I can see for myself that you are alive.”
Jisung groans and reluctantly gets up from the chair. He’s been ignoring Changbin’s phone calls, but that doesn’t usually leave him this worried.
Knowing the stubbornness of his closest friend, he walks to the door and opens it, but only just enough to peek his head outside at Changbin.
“See? I’m alive. Thanks for stopping by!” Jisung says quickly and is just about to close the door again when Changbin slams a hand against it, leaving Jisung no chance of pushing it closed. Changbin and his damn strong arms.
“Nuh-uh, that’s not enough,” Changbin says, shaking his head and giving him a look that Jisung knows he has to take seriously.
“Fine.” Jisung sighs and opens the door, gesturing for Changbin to come inside.
Changbin sits down on the bed without further invitation and looks Jisung up and down a few times. “You look like shit.”
Jisung huffs and drops down onto the chair again. Trust Changbin to tell it like it is. “Thanks.”
“What have you eaten today?”
“Uhh, some—” Nothing. He has been too much in his head to even consider food, but now that it’s been brought to his attention, he does feel slightly lightheaded.
Changbin sighs and takes out his phone. “What are you in the mood for? Jjajangmyeon? Been a while.”
“Sure.” Jisung nods and watches as Changbin quickly places an order through the app. “Bin, why are you here? A few missed calls don’t usually make you feel like you need to babysit me.”
Changbin puts his phone down and looks up at him warily. “A few? No. But ten? And I’m pretty sure something is up if you are on your knees on the sidewalk without moving for twenty minutes.”
Oh. He’d been on his knees? He can’t remember that at all. He rubs a hand over one knee and jerks, feeling a slight burn at the touch.
“How did you—?”
“Hyunjin was out for a run and noticed you a few times. He called me when he had the chance. You wanna tell me what’s going on?”
“It’s nothing serious. I was just tired after yesterday and took a break,” Jisung says and shrugs his shoulders with his hopeless attempt at a lie.
”People don’t usually take breaks on the sidewalk.”
“Really, it’s nothing!”
“Sung…” Changbin looks at him with a stern expression, but Jisung looks away. “Fine, I’ll let you be for now. But only until we’ve eaten.”
Jisung doesn’t reply, and Changbin doesn’t mention it again. Changbin doesn’t say anything at all actually, but lets Jisung sit in silence as they wait for the food and then goes down to the lobby to pick it up when it arrives. Changbin sits down on the chair by Felix’s desk, not even asking Jisung if he’d rather eat somewhere else, and hands Jisung his bowl of jjajangmyeon.
With the first bite, Jisung realizes just how hungry he is and starts shoveling down the noodles, but then, halfway through, he slows down, remembering what is waiting for him when he’s done.
“Jisung, I know what you are doing.”
Jisung looks at Changbin and glances at the empty bowl in front of him. “What? Is it a crime to enjoy your food?”
“Never in the nearly six years I’ve known you have you ever eaten this slowly.”
Jisung neatly picks up some noodles with his chopsticks and fills his mouth while looking at Changbin. Chewing as slowly and for as long as he can while maintaining eye contact, he lets the noodles turn into a ball of mush that doesn't even taste good anymore.
Changbin shakes his head and gets up from his seat, and for a moment, Jisung thinks that he might be left alone, but Changbin just dumps himself down onto the bed again, smiling. “Lucky I’m patient.”
Jisung rolls his eyes but then eats the rest of his noodles like he usually would, deciding that they taste better without him proving a point with each bite.
He barely gets to take a sip of water after finishing when Changbin reminds him that he is still waiting. “Done?”
Jisung sighs.
“Great, come take a seat,” Changbin says, patting a spot on the bed beside him. Jisung obliges but doesn't sit quite as close to Changbin as he urged him to do. “So tell me what happened last night. Did you tell Felix about Minho?”
Jisung nods, humming.
“I take, by the state of you, that it didn’t go too well?”
Jisung shakes his head. It did go well. Kind of.
“No, it didn’t go well?”
Jisung shakes his head again.
“It did go well?” Changbin raises an eyebrow.
He nods this time.
“But something happened.”
Jisung groans loudly.
“Okay, you are gonna have to give me a little bit more to work with here or I’ll be staying here guessing till midnight.”
Jisung sighs. He might as well. “I, uhm, told Felix that I like him. As more than a friend.”
“Oh,” Changbin lets out, his mouth forming a perfect ‘o’ for a moment while processing. “I didn’t know you felt that strongly about him. So that didn’t go well?”
“It did go well. He—” Jisung pauses for a moment as the scene that leaves him breathless plays in his head. “He kissed me.”
Changbin‘s face lights up, and Jisung can tell that he is just about to congratulate him, but then his cheerful expression is replaced with confusion. “Why do you look like it all went like shit then? Where’s Felix now?”
“Home. At his mom’s birthday,” Jisung mutters as he looks down. With Minho.
“I’m still struggling here because this can’t just be because you miss him. I assume he left somewhere around when Hyunjin saw you?”
Jisung’s body deflates completely, and he pulls up his knees to hug them, his chin resting on top. “I’m just not sure where this left us.”
Changbin hums and nods in understanding. “Well, what would you like to happen?”
“I want to be with him.” It is one of the few easy questions for him to answer, but easy or not it hurts to say it out loud. “But it’s not that simple.”
“If you like him and he likes you, then what is the issue? Is it Minho?” Changbin asks, cocking his head. “But you said Felix took it fine?”
“Yeah, he did but—” Jisung shakes his head and then drops his forehead onto his knees, hugging his legs a little tighter. “It’s much more complicated than that.”
“Wait, are they both into you?”
“Definitely not!” Jisung says, swiftly lifting his head at the ridiculous question. They might have fucked several times, but it is not like that between them, and never has been. The real question is whether they will be fucking again, but now with Felix in the mix…
His head is spinning again, and he desperately needs it not to, at least for a while.
“Then what—”
“Bin,” Jisung says with a heavy sigh, “I’ll explain it all to you at some point, but right now, I’d rather not think about either of them at all.”
Changbin furrows his eyebrows, studying him for a moment, but then gives him a sympathetic smile and nods. “Okay. Hey, Hyunjin’s roommate got a PlayStation, and he’s usually pretty nice. I could ask Hyunjin if he might let us play?”
Ten minutes later, Jisung is busy destroying Changbin in Tekken while Hyunjin cheers him on, and for a few blissful hours, he forgets everything about anyone called Lee.
He turns again. And again. And then again.
With a frustrated groan, he pushes down the top half of his duvet and picks up his phone from beside him. It’s been almost an hour since he went to bed, hoping to get some rest and feel better tomorrow, but that is easier said than done. But, of course, it isn’t that easy.
Not only because of his restless mind, but he’d also gone to bed very early for a Saturday night, and judging by the many sounds coming from outside his room, he is the only one trying to sleep.
Maybe he should just give up for now.
A ray of moonlight hits him in the face when he sits up on the edge of the bed. The light coming in through the curtains probably isn’t helping him fall asleep either.
He gets up and reaches across his desk to pull the curtains, but then he gets a peek outside—snow.
Jumping onto the desk to sit, he pulls the curtains apart and looks outside. Snowflakes are falling peacefully, landing on the ground several floors down, where a thin layer of white is already showing.
The first snow of the year. Glistening in the moonlight.
His head snaps to the empty bed that doesn't belong to him. He wishes Felix was here to watch with him, sure that he’d be so excited. Oh my god, Jisungie, look! It’s snowing! The thought still makes him smile even though Felix is nowhere near him.
He unlocks his phone, his finger quickly hovering over Felix’s name. It isn’t that late yet, he could always call him. Or maybe just text him. Ask if the trip home went okay and if he had a nice day celebrating his mom. Their mom.
On second thought, maybe he shouldn’t contact Felix at all.
He sighs and lets his head hit the cold window, watching the snow fall.
A sudden vibration in his hand startles him. Felix.
He clears his throat, and with a loudly beating heart, he answers, “Hello?”
“Jisungie! It’s snowing! Is it snowing on campus too?”
Jisung smiles, Felix’s excited voice sounding exactly like he imagined.
“Yeah, it’s snowing here too!” Jisung answers happily. “A lot actually. I’m sitting by the window looking at it right now.”
“Me too.”
“Is that why you called?”
“Mhm. Made me think of you.”
Warmth spreads through his whole body, absorbing every worry within him. “I thought of you too.”
“I wish I could watch it with you.”
“Do you see the moon too?” Jisung asks, looking up at the big bright ball in the dark sky.
“Mhm.”
“We are looking at the same moon, so in some way, we are still watching together.”
He cringes internally at his cheesy notion as soon as the words leave his mouth, but then he hears Felix giggle, and the sound of that is worth every bit of cringe.
A comfortable silence follows, only their breathing letting the other one know that they are still there.
“I have to go now,” Felix says quietly as if he doesn’t want to disturb the silence. “But I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Can’t wait.”
“Goodnight, Jisungie.”
“Goodnight, Felix.”
They both hang up, and Jisung feels much lighter inside.
He jumps down from the desk and takes one last glance at the moon and the many snowflakes before drawing the curtains, but he doesn’t close them completely, deciding to let a bit of the moonlight in after all.
He gets back under his duvet, ready to give sleep another chance, but when he is about to close his eyes, something catches his attention.
The black spot is back.
He doesn’t jump out of bed like earlier, instead, he just looks at it curiously. It is a pretty harmless black spot.
“It’s all gonna be alright,” he says out loud, Felix on his mind. “Right?”
The spider doesn’t reply.
Jisung wants to close his eyes, but instead, he keeps staring at the spider that is as immobile as earlier when he first discovered it. He scrunches his nose. He still isn’t a big fan of spiders.
He glances to the side and decides to get out of bed again. After taking the few steps necessary, he lifts the duvet that isn’t his and gets comfortable under it, holding it tight. With his nose buried in the soft pillow, he inhales deeply; honey and home.
Slowly, his mind gives in without him noticing. Warm and safe. Asleep.
When he wakes up, he is a bit disoriented at first.
He usually never sees the room from this angle, but then he remembers that he is in Felix’s bed and not his own, and that’s when everything comes to mind again.
It is the feeling of being completely convinced that something is just a dream but then realizing that it has indeed happened.
Everything good and bad from the confession at the party and waking up in Minho’s room, to kissing Felix goodbye and realizing that Minho and Felix are related, is crowding his mind in an instant.
Then he remembers that Felix will be back later, and a small smile finds its way to his lips. Felix will be back, and soon enough, he’ll be able to hug him. Kiss him.
If he hasn’t changed his mind about him.
No. Felix called him last night, and they watched the snow. The first snow.
He can’t help but bury his nose in Felix’s pillow for a few seconds more before his bladder forces him to leave the warmth of the bed.
When he returns from the bathroom, he pulls the curtains apart and is immediately blinded by an unexpected brightness; everything is covered in a blanket of snow. The trees, the benches, the turned-off fountain, and since it is early Sunday morning, most of it still appears untouched, the sun reflecting off of every single patch of white.
A few people all bundled up and busy making a snowman make him smile. Jisung would make one too if Felix was here. Maybe they can when he gets back.
At least he already has plans today, so he’ll be plenty distracted until evening. Tomorrow is the start of a new week, which also means the start of a very busy month with exams coming up. The smart choice would be to spend the day studying, but Changbin made a good point out of him not being in the best condition for that and quickly made plans with Chan for what would probably be their last chance of getting together this year.
So he has a quick shower and dresses up as warmly as possible for the walk to the frat house through the snow.
“Right on time,” Changbin says when he meets up with him at the entrance of the dorm building so they can walk together.
“Thank you for this, Bin.”
“No problem.” Changbin drapes his arm over Jisung’s shoulders and ushers him out of the building. “Ready to talk about it yet?”
Jisung shakes his head. “Not yet.”
The snow is much deeper than Jisung anticipated, and when they arrive at the frat house, the bottom half of his jeans are damp and his feet cold. They hurry inside, not wanting to spend a minute more than necessary in the cold.
“Great, you’re here!” Chan says when he sees them stomping their feet free of snow.
“Have you been outside today? It’s crazy,” Changbin says, shivering.
“Thankfully, I haven’t had to,” Chan says, chuckling. “Wanna get started immediately? I've got something new I want you to check out.”
With a loud groan, Jisung stands up, stretching his legs that are feeling stiff after sitting in the same position for too long. Chan had another brilliant track for them to work on, and all three of them have been so immersed in working on it that they haven’t moved for several hours.
“I’m gonna go get some water. Anybody else want something?”
“Water would be nice,” Chan replies. Changbin nods.
Jisung walks down the hallway, headed for the kitchen downstairs, but when he gets to the door of the only other room he has ever visited on this floor, he comes to a halt.
It was only yesterday that he woke up in that room after sharing the bed with Minho and Felix.
He absentmindedly pulls out his phone but quickly puts it back in his pocket again; no new messages. He sighs deeply, his eyes back on the door. What does Minho want with him?
"He's not here."
Jisung jumps. Eunwoo suddenly appears, leaning against the door frame of the next door.
“Eunwoo, hi! Oh, I know. He went home with Fe—" Jisung stops before he can say the rest of the name, but of course, it is already too late.
"Felix? So the brothers left you all on your own, huh?" Eunwoo raises an eyebrow.
"You knew?” Jisung asks, taken aback. Eunwoo cocks his head as if he isn’t sure what exactly he knows. Jisung looks around warily before stepping closer, whispering, “You knew they were brothers?"
Eunwoo smirks. "I mean, you definitely just confirmed it, but I guess I did?” He chuckles, then, looking thoughtful, he adds, “If I’d had to put my money on whether or not they were, that would've been my bet."
"You could've told me. I wouldn't have—" Jisung shuts himself up again, his eyes wide. Fuck. What was he just about to let slip?
"Wouldn't have what?" Eunwoo asks with a smile and another raised eyebrow.
Jisung feels his whole face heat up. How much does Eunwoo already know, and how much is Jisung just gonna end up accidentally telling him? His eyes flicker around nervously, and only then does he realize where they are standing; it has to be Eunwoo’s room—right next to Minho’s. How much has Eunwoo heard?
Eunwoo laughs. "Look, I obviously don’t know any details of what happened, but would it really have made any difference if I’d said something?"
"Of course, it would! You're not exactly supposed to—" His mouth slams shut again. He is shit at this.
"Be honest,” Eunwoo says, giving Jisung a serious look when he doesn't continue, “not for me but for your own sake. Would you have done anything differently?"
Huh. He hadn’t even thought to ask himself that. Would he? Then he remembers why he’d chosen to do what he did, and the answer is simple.
"No." He shakes his head. “I would’ve made the same choice.”
“Good for you.” Eunwoo winks at him. “So what’s next for you and the Lees?”
“I honestly have no idea…” Jisung trails off. Right now, he is holding onto the hope that he will find out later when the two return, and he can have that talk with Felix they both know they need to have. “It’s all so fucked.”
“I guess happily ever after would have been too predictable,” Eunwoo says, nodding slowly, but then he claps his hands together loudly. “But I’m ready for another season! I hope you are too.”
Jisung snorts. “You are talking about my life like it's some K-drama.”
“I promise it’s so much more fun if you pretend it is.”
Jisung huffs, shaking his head with a slight smile on his lips. “Thank you, Eunwoo.” Then, with a swift motion, he turns around and heads back toward Chan’s room.
“For what?” Eunwoo calls after him, confused, but Jisung just laughs to himself. “By the way, if you want to share any of those details, I’m right here!”
In his own weird way, Eunwoo helped him figure out some things. Brothers or not, it wouldn’t have made a difference. Jisung would still have confessed his feelings to Felix, and he still wouldn’t have left the room when Felix asked him to stay. He felt too strongly about Felix that night, and he still does. And if this is in fact a K-drama, he will just have to make sure it has a happy ending. Even if he isn’t sure what kind.
“You were gone for a while,” Chan notes when Jisung closes the door behind him.
“Yeah, I ran into Eunwoo,” Jisung says, but then he stops dead in his tracks, remembering why he left the room in the first place. “I forgot the water.”
“No shit,” Changbin says, eyes moving to his empty hands.
Chan laughs. “I’ll go get it. I know how to dodge Eunwoo if he starts talking too much,” he says and leaves the room.
Jisung drops down onto the chair by Chan’s desk again and, purely by reflex, pulls out his phone. One glance and then a sigh. Nothing.
“Why don’t you just text him?”
“What?” Jisung looks up, brows furrowed at Changbin.
“I’ve seen how you keep looking at your phone. You’re waiting to hear from Felix, aren't you? Just text him.”
Jisung blinks at Changbin’s observation and then looks at his phone again. Maybe he should. But then he tells himself what he’s been telling himself every time it crossed his mind: that it’s silly when he knows Felix will be back later. And that he shouldn’t bother him while he is enjoying time with his family.
Jisung shakes his head. “I’m sure it’s all good.”
The walk back to the dorms is even colder. It’s snowing again, and the wind is mean. As soon as he gets to his room, he changes into a dry pair of sweats and pulls his duvet around him tight, trying to get warm.
He looks out at the dark sky from his bed. He still hasn’t heard anything from Felix, and the weather isn’t looking to get any better. He hopes everything is okay…
He glances at the phone he left on the nightstand. Another moment passes, and then the phone is in his hand, doing what he’s been itching to do for a while now.
It rings a few times, but then Felix picks up.
“Hi, Jisungie.”
His stomach twists. That definitely isn’t Felix. “Hi, Minho.”
“How can I help you?” Minho’s voice sounds overly sweet, the kind that feels like it can’t be trusted.
“Can I talk to Felix, please?”
“Sorry, he’s currently unavailable, but I can take a mess—“
“Hyung, who are you talking to?” Jisung lets out a sound of relief when he hears Felix’s voice in the background. “Is that my phone?”
“Nice talking to you, Jisungie.”
“Jisung?” Sweet, warm, genuine. Felix.
“Hi, I just wanted to hear when you expect to be here?” Jisung says happily, but then he hears a sigh.
“I’ve been hoping that we’d be able to leave all day, but the weather is so bad here it’s not safe for Minho-hyung to drive. I don't think I’ll be back tonight.”
The happiness is sucked out of Jisung in an instant. “Oh, that’s—” Unfortunate. Sad. Possibly heartbreaking. “Too bad.”
“I'm sorry.”
“It's not your fault.”
“I know, but—” There’s a pause, then, “Want to just talk for a bit?”
Jisung smiles widely. Of course, he wants to. He’d like nothing more since Felix can’t physically be there.
“Just a moment.” He unwraps himself from the duvet, but only to settle on the other bed in the room, surrounded by one of his favorite scents in the world. “There. How was your day?”
Felix starts telling him all about what they’ve been up to the day before for the birthday, and that he’d been outside for a snowball fight with his parents (and Minho) before the weather got too bad. Jisung, in return, tells him about his session with Chan and Changbin, explaining and humming different parts of the track to a very enthusiastic Felix.
It’s nice. Reassuring. They are still Felix and Jisung like before, just now with a promise of something more between them that doesn’t need to be addressed right at the moment.
The corners of Jisung’s mouth don’t falter, his smile only disturbed by laughs and giggles until it is time to say goodnight, and his head hits Felix’s pillow with a warm feeling in his chest.
But despite all of that, he can’t keep away the unwanted voice at the back of his head saying that where Felix is, Minho is too.
And Jisung isn’t.