Chapter Text
Even among the guilds of Fiore that were seen as top of the class on the continent, Fairy Tail surely was a peculiar case. It was a once mighty and feared guild, but all kinds of rumours of its funny nature had been floating around it too. Its members were fearsome and strong, but at the same time couldn’t hold a conversation or keep their paperwork clean. Loved by the common people and hated by the council, such was Fairy Tail.
There was something to be said about the creation of magicians guilds, about the natural urge of magic wielders hundreds and hundreds of years ago to band together and form a group, to support one another and be like a family, no matter the circumstances one grew up in. It didn’t matter if it was light guilds, dark guilds, official guilds or secret guilds, the urge to band together seemed to be oddly universal. If Juvia would just speak the word, surely Levy would tell her more about the origins of it all.
Fact was, that Fairy Tail’s reputation had outshone all those other guilds by a mile and a half and it wouldn’t surprise her the slightest to find out that the guild was known far beyond the shores of this continent. At least seven years ago.
A lot of time had passed since the glory days, not that Juvia had lived through any of it. Frozen in time she had spent the last seven years suspended in an in-between world that nobody could really explain to her. She had disappeared one moment and appeared the next, exactly the way she had disappeared. The world around her however, had completely changed in a blink of an eye.
During the time the group that had been with her on the island of Tenrou and frozen in time the guild had lost most of its standing and a lot of its members. Those, who had not felt particularly connected to the feeling of family and bonds, those that had maybe just sought the guild out because it was convenient or for their own power, had left it years ago, leaving only a core of members behind for which the guild was their only family.
The joy had therefore been big, once the missing members had finally returned from their frozen state, bringing warmth back into the family. Tears were shed, hugs were shared and stories were exchanged and though many had left, it felt like the important part was still there. As if everything was the way it had been before they had all gone missing.
But the hurt of the members that had stayed behind ran deep, much deeper than a reunion party could ever fix. And for the members that had disappeared the guilt was ever present. The feeling that they had let their friends and family down, that they had left them when it was most important to stay by their side. They were family after all, and family was always going to support one another.
To let out that built up anger the remaining members felt, Juvia learned quickly that people who left the guild in those seven struggling years were seen as fake members, not committed, not important. While Fairy Tail generally was not opposed to people leaving and gave anyone that wanted it the option to do so under three basic rules, the sorrow of the remainers ran deep into anger and hatred and so the word “traitors” was tossed around on occasion when Master Makarov was not in earshot.
The end of the carefree ways of the Fairy Tail guild in some weird way resonated with Juvia’s mental state. Though she had not had to live the seven years out, she felt oddly disconnected from the other guild members, especially the once that had been on Tenroujima with her, as if she had. A deep sadness took root of her soul and it felt as if her own perception of a guild of friendship and family had been nothing but a lie, or, well, nothing that included her.
She had always had that nagging voice in her head that told her that she was less important than others, more a spare character in her own tale than the leading lady, but now it seemed especially loud and freely swinging the pendulum between telling her that nobody cared that she was still around and telling her that the reason nobody cared was her own fault.
Mostly staying out of conversations, she had argued in her mind that she had worked so hard on herself and her magic since she had arrived at Fairy Tail, that she had given her heart and mind to this guild and had always intended to make it her permanent home. After all, though she hadn’t made it rain in months (or years, if you considered the frozen time), she still apologised when it rained just in case someone thought it would be her.
The last thing she wanted was to ruin the day of people she cherished by being gloomy, so she had tried to be open and excited and honest, in the vain hopes that it would give her the colourful personality she was so clearly lacking, but what had become increasingly clear was that this had not worked out the slightest.
Though she didn’t make it rain anymore, Juvia was still the gloomy, grey, colourless, forgotten second hand character. Nothing could apparently change that, not even the family-like atmosphere of the Fairy Tail guild. They were a family, yes, but Juvia was either not really part of it, or just the black sheep.
Juvia didn’t hate the rain, actually, and even after every misery it had brought her in life, she still couldn’t help but love it. The soft tipping at windows and puddles in the ground, the way the earth smelled when a rain storm had just passed by, the way she could pack herself into the long sleeved clothing she liked so much without people wondering what was wrong with her. Everything.
She grew up with rain surrounding her at most times. Unable to remember her parents well she lived with her uncle who had no other family than her. He didn’t have a clue as to why she could use water magic without being taught, why her body could disintegrate into water and get back together, but he hadn’t known his sister's husband very well before they had both died, so he always assumed that he’d been a wizard.
There was always rain where Juvia was. It made it impossible for her uncle to grow crops around their house. She was five when she ran away from home the first time, visiting a nearby city so that the rain would follow her there. If she’d be out of his hair, she thought, he could enjoy the sunshine once again. He had never made it seem like he was upset with her about anything, but in her worried child-heart she was sure he’d prefer blue skies.
Juvia did long for it too, that blue sky, even though she loved rain like it was her best friend. When she laid her eyes on it for the first time, she could barely believe her eyes. It was when she had finally decided to give in and return back home, when it suddenly opened up all around her. She was so happy that her plan had completely worked out, that uncle had gotten a few hours without her and her rain. She did not understand then, that it was literally her own feelings of happiness that had brought out the sun, instead this false idea planted in her head that everybody was going to have it easier if she wasn’t around.
Her uncle passed away when she was 10, quite suddenly. One day he was fine, the other he had high fevers. Urgently she called a doctor, but there was nothing that could be done. Juvia watched her uncle be carried away and listened to the doctor murmur about how it must have been this constant rain that had brought upon infection and weakness. “You should go way here too, little girl,” he said with a smile. “You will also get sick if you never see the sun.”
Juvia didn’t hate the rain, even after that. She left anyway, travelling for two years on her own, earning money by doing an odd job or another, helping here and there. She knew there were other wizards, but she engaged barely with any of them. She returned to the city that she’d seen the sky in several times, yet the sky stayed raining, as if the world was crying over her existence.
Whatever killed her parents, maybe it should have killed her too, she thought and was way too young to be thinking such things. It was like the world had pointed a finger at her and decided that she was less worthy than others, that she was less colourful than others, that she was just not going to be a main character. Aimlessly she walked the continent, searching for a place to belong and the only thing that was constant was the sound of the rain.
She first heard about Phantom Lord when she had just turned 13. A boy with a wide grin on his face snapped his finger into her nose. “You should come join my guild,” he said. “We are looking for a water mage.” Juvia was fascinated by the amount of piercings in his face, even by his young age. She’d heard of guilds before of course, but joining a group of strangers seemed awfully inconvenient. “There is food,” the boy snipped against her nose again. “And a warm place to sleep.”
Of course she followed him back and her heart almost gave out when she bowed down to the guild Master for the first time. He had a nasty grin of a man she would have avoided at any cost, but he eased her worries from the very start. “You are exactly what I have been looking for,” he said calmly. “To complete my Element Four Wizards.” She looked up at him and he ruffled her blue hair fatherly: “I’m so happy you are here, Juvia.”
For the first time in her life, she felt wanted. Her uncle had not treated her poorly, said anything to upset her or tried to get rid of her, but she knew deep down he had seen her rain as a burden. It was exactly this rain, however, that made her the perfect fit for Phantom Lord. Soon she got to grow her magic power, go on jobs with other guild members or just listen to people chatting at dining tables. And even though some others still whispered about her behind her back, complaining about the gloomy atmosphere that was a given when she was around, she knew she was useful to her Master, and that was all that mattered.
Through the teenage years, Juvia realised that what made her so different from other people was not only the rain following her wherever she went, but her ability to fall in love quite easily. As a kid, she had consumed many romance novels in front of the house fire in their little hut and had always been fascinated by grand romance stories. Girls in love were main character types, they shone brighter than the midday sun, were so happy that they could barely breathe. Juvia wanted that so much that it turned from a nice dream into a character flaw.
Her advantage was that she grew to be acceptably pretty, so that people who she fell in love with often agreed to go out with her, at least on the basis that it wasn’t a bad look to be seen with her. The drawbacks were obvious too, however, because no date would ever go by without a rain storm. Any traditional activities, like parks or beach dates or long walks, none of them could be done with Juvia around. And though she liked the rain still and tried to explain as much every time, the partners just kept leaving.
She was too gloomy. Being with her was depressing. Her face was not worth the struggle. Why was she so weirdly attached so fast? How weird was she? Better keep distance.
Sometimes her dates just left her because she creeped them out, sometimes she wasn’t vocal enough and they didn’t care and sometimes, more than others, they found someone else, someone who didn’t take the sunshine away forever.
Yet, Juvia believed in love. She might be overlooked or second choice now, but eventually she’d be loved in return by someone who’d see her in a crowd first, who'd think of her unprompted and who would like her exactly how she was. And then, once that would happen, she would become as deliriously happy as women in romance novels.
Five years in Phantom Lord passed at the blink of an eye and her luck with love had seemingly run out. Most in the guild treated her cordially, but stayed away from her otherwise. There were times when she was operating outside of the Elemental Four and was forgotten for jobs and of course there were the whispers of other guild members about how there was too much rain around her. “Apparently her parent died because he could never get his clothes dry.”- “That will happen to us if we don’t get her to stop.”
At night she would listen to the silent drip drip of the rain against her window, the silent tapping that had been around her so much that it had almost felt like family. Now she could not endure listening to it anymore. She’d always be grey and colourless if she brought dark skies wherever she went. She’d never have genuine connections if she was so wildly out of control in her emotional attachment, but gloomy at the same time.
She wanted the rain to disappear. For the first time in her life she hated the sounds so much that it made her sick. If the rain wasn’t going to go away, nobody was ever going to stay with her.
The most important thing was to continue doing good work for the Master. He had, after all, taken Juvia in as this big kindness, had trained and developed her during her teenage years and made sure she had money, clothing and lodging. If her life was supposed to be worth something, it should be to ensure the success of the guild that she was calling home. Even though the other members didn’t like her, she liked them, and that was all that mattered really.
Who could blame them for not liking her, really? She didn’t like herself either.
Those were the days in which she heard of Fairy Tail first. Well, she had heard of them before, in hushed voices and admired talks. A guild like a family, so they said. A nuisance, so the Master. Constantly at odds with the council for one thing or another. Juvia had overheard such talks and wondered what kind of people were part of this rowdy group posing as a family.
Imagining a loud place, people arguing and training together, people of all different colours gathering and her right there, even if a little pale, filled her with an odd warmth that was hard to explain. She hadn’t even met any Fairy Tail wizard and yet she dreamed of being with them based on reputation alone. Her disloyalty in her mind made her feel so bad, that she went on overtime jobs to make up for it.
Juvia remembered the day well when the strange man walked through the front gates of Phantom Lord, his nose wrinkled at the splash of water from the rain surrounding the building. He was tall and blonde and he looked at the rest of them as if they were vermin before he disappeared into the Master’s office.
“I want you to bring Lucy Heartfilia here,” the Master said. “Whatever the cost.” He handed each of them a picture of the girl, who was equally as blonde as the strange man had been. She was pretty, and smiling happily. Juvia didn’t like the idea of bringing her back to this foul-faced man that was apparently her father, but a job was a job.
Phantom Lord had taken her in, they had raised and fed her. They had given her purpose. She’d do everything for them.
And so she headed out and her life changed forever.
She replayed the events of that fateful day many times in her mind. Thinking again of her first interaction with this Fairy Tail guild she’d heard so much about, meeting all the members that were now so very dear to her heart. Oftentimes the nostalgia trip was born out of the shame she felt for having been their enemy back then. As if she should have known that she was not in the right to oppose them.
Juvia sometimes wondered if Gajeel felt the same, but she never asked him about it.
Something pulled at her heart as she was watching the members' desperate attempt to keep one of their own safe, even if it was someone that had only joined a month or so ago. Juvia watched them throw themselves into danger, hurt and bleed for camaraderie and knew that all the rumours, all the whispers, everything about Fairy Tail had been completely true: This was not a guild like hers was, this was a family.
But, Phantom Lord had done a lot for her, given her a purpose and a home, there was no way she’d betray them now. They had given her strength and at least the Master had not belittled her circumstances. As much as she admired the tenacity of the Fairy Tail members she knew she would not give up and surrender to them now. She was going to win for them either way, at least so she thought.
And then she met Gray.
Gray was a bad opponent for her, not only because her water powers seemed to be in a disadvantage to his ice-magic, but also because Gray was just- Gray . In this first encounter, Juvia didn’t know much about him of course, didn’t understand that his kindness for opponents stemmed from a long grown distaste for himself. That it wasn’t her that he was offering a hand to get up with, but everyone he had ever fought. Everyone except himself of course. He was unforgiving to his own faults.
By all accounts, he should have hated her and everybody else for what they had done. He should have laughed at her weakness, belittled her existence, told her how much of a freak she was to make it rain. But Gray did none of the sort. There was this short moment when Juvia had thought it would be good to die, since she brought only gloom and doom to everyone around her, but Gray did not let her.
How could she not have fallen in love right then? Nothing in her life had ever felt warmer than this first time he smiled at her. It was like a light was emanating from him, the warmth of sunrise she’d never seen before, and she wanted to bask her colourless self in it - forever.
The storm calmed, her heart felt like it had finally found home and then the clouds over her head parted and the grey sky turned blue. Gray had brought the sun into her life, metaphorically and literally and she loved him instantly with an intensity that overshadowed every crush she’d had before him.
She never wanted to be parted from him ever again, whatever the price.
No matter what books might tell you, it was seen as foolish to fall in love at first sight and maybe Juvia would have scoffed at other people and their adventures too if she hadn’t experienced it herself. Not that she particularly regretted it really, she liked the feeling of being in love, of hoping and wishing and overthinking a little too much. She liked that her first real object of affection was a person that was kind and smart and beautiful, who had not been scared of the rain that was always surrounding her, who had, in fact, brought the sun back into her life, metaphorically and not.
No, she did not and would never, regret falling in love with him particularly, on that particular day, because there were many great things about being in love and in the end he had shown her this guild that she now belonged to too. There was much to be grateful to love for.
But Gray, kind though he was, wasn’t interested in her in that particular way. There had been a time when Juvia had been under complete denial, operating on the idea that Gray might someday like her if she just kept at it long enough. That his kindness would turn into genuine affection after a while. She had told herself she would keep going onwards, show him that she indeed loved him as much as she possibly could, even if it was a little embarrassing. Gray was the kind of guy who kept his feelings and needs buried deep under the ice layer covering his skin. He wasn’t used to affection, he didn’t ask for it, but she was pretty certain he wished for it. So she tried the loud approach, the aggressive approach – and evidently, it just hadn’t worked out.
When they had returned from Edolas, a moment that Juvia could not remember as she had been completely frozen in her own magic, they had told her that the Gray that was supposed to be the opposite of her Gray, had been someone obsessed with her, or, at least, the version of her that was in that universe. Really, that should have been the first alarm bell. Of course, she had ignored it, marched on forward with the goal of getting him to like her and met wall after wall after wall. Love could be wonderful, but it could also make you act like an idiot.
Iron in her convictions at first, the snickering and eye rolling and whispers behind her back about her actions started getting to her too. They weren’t malicious, nobody in the guild was a malicious person, but even good natured jokes could hit wrong eventually. Juvia had started doubting herself, starting to wonder if what she was doing was the right way to go and never really finding an answer. Nothing went forward either way she tried and really, was love worth this sort of trouble?
In the end she would have gladly given her life for Gray. She would have been content with that too. After all, her life had had no meaning and people had hated or avoided her before he had brought light back into her life. She owed him as much loyalty, she knew, but trying to pull an unmovable object was only possible with unstoppable force and she could find herself weakening in her convictions. The cracks began to show.
There was chaos when the few of them were trapped on Tenroujima, when enemies suddenly descended from all sides and threw them into a slumber that lasted for seven years. Juvia had tried to see it from that angle, telling herself that the fact that not only Gray, but the rest of the guild had forgotten about her after their fight with Hades meant that they were just preoccupied. It wasn’t like they didn’t care or didn’t want her around, she told herself. They had simply been busy, she thought.
Since Gray had sent her out, since Gray had seen her injury, she had foolishly assumed he would come look for her eventually. She couldn’t move where she was, not without extreme pain, so it was of the utmost necessity that someone would carry her at least until she could find Wendy to rudimentary heal her wounds. Juvia understood that Gray had other things to take care of, that he was fighting something bigger than she could understand, but she held out in the mud and the setting sun because she was convinced he’d come.
He was kind after all, he cared, he might not love her, but he cared. He would come. Definitely.
And even if he didn’t, surely Lisanna would, after all Juvia and her had been partners, right?
And even if Lisanna was too busy with whatever she was doing, surely some other member, Gajeel or Lucy or the Master, would notice she was missing and look for her, right?
But hours passed and Juvia remained alone, lying face down in mud and dirt.
Eventually, the wind brought in laughter from the other side of the island, indicating that there was a party going on wherever the others were. The fighting had evidently ended and they were celebrating having survived, even with Juvia missing.
She realised then like a fist to her stomach that nobody was going to come for her. They must have forgotten.
The hours she had spent lying in her own pain, unable to move her leg forward and back, failing in holding the target Gray had sent her out to take hold off, she had felt more invisible than in any moment of hers that she had spent in Phantom Lord. There it was again, that fear, that anxiety, that everybody around her had a colour, something that made them them, but Juvia was the only one that was invisible, colourless.
Centimetre by centimetre Juvia crawled herself back to the base camp, unable to really put weight on her left leg and therefore forced to either rob or stay on all fours shakily. The wound looked deep and was bleeding and she cried the entire time. Maybe she had been wrong to believe there was a place she belonged to, maybe she had been foolish to fall in love at first sight, maybe she should have just let it go ages ago. Her stubborn demand to develop a personality worth of love had just walked her straight into ruin.
That’s when it all broke open. Her skin, her face, her heart.
Gray didn’t love her and he would never love her.
In fact, Gray didn’t even care about her well being.
She was absolutely nothing to him.
The reality of being abandoned by the ones she would have given her life for had eaten on Juvia’s insides every day since they had been unfrozen from their seven year sleep. She could rationalise it for most of them, none of them had known she was injured after all, so they might have just thought she was on her way to see them, but she could not excuse Gray’s behaviour, no matter how she moved it backwards and forwards.
Love and hate were such thin lines sometimes and she didn’t know anymore what to feel when she saw him. She kept to herself mostly, trying to stay out of everybody’s way, and nobody noticed how quiet she was getting. It proved to her how invisible she was, how she didn’t matter in their lives at all besides being a girl that did stupid things for their amusement.
Juvia felt increasingly disconnected from the guild. Maybe that was why when the enchantment suddenly went up like walls around their building, Juvia felt nothing.
They had held a party to welcome the missing members back and everybody had seemed rather happy about being united again. Juvia too despite her numbness since returning, felt a little better when faced with her happy guild mates. Though they hardly took notice of her most times she still believed that they on the whole were good people, that they deserved being excited about seeing each other again. She didn’t feel left out of that sort of celebration, because she knew that it was her own fault for being a colourless, invisible person.
It couldn’t be said how long the enchantment had been put up when they finally noticed that the doors of the new, smaller, guildhall wouldn’t open anymore, when it became clear quickly that some magic were holding them back from opening anything be it windows or doors. They were trapped inside by something powerful, something Freed and Levy could not break through either. The excitement turned into real panic and erratic behaviour. Juvia watched her guildmates run around and try throwing things to no avail and she noticed that the little happiness she had felt at seeing everybody excited slip away unrecoverably.
The voice was dark and unfamiliar, a tone that could make the hairs on your arms stand up if you could still feel such emotions. Fairy Tail was known far and wide to be a tight knit community, the voice laughed, but how tight knit were they really when it came down to spending several days boxed into the guildhall with limited water and food options? Juvia could hear the jealousy in his words from miles away, the longing to expose this guild that operated like a family as nothing but fakes. She couldn’t say that she didn’t understand where he was coming from. She herself had started asking herself if everything had been nothing but an illusion love had made up in her head for her.
“I will lift the spell that surrounds this building,” the voices laughed,”if one of your members permanently leaves the guild. Just one . Pick one and you shall be free.” No matter how much the others were yelling to an invisible person, the voice didn’t speak again. It had said its piece and the work was now done.
Of course, that was unacceptable for most of them and at the same time about ten people were immediately volunteering. Juvia watched people jump over each other to argue why they should be the one leaving, a failure here and there. When Gray spoke up, saying that his past actions meant that he was not deserving of a family anyway, she almost got up to publicly disagree with him. After all, what had happened to him as a child was only tangiantly his fault, she always thought that and had told him countless times. He seemingly hadn’t listened to her back then either. Had he ever even taken notice of her presence if she didn’t force herself on him?
Juvia watched the guild discuss the enchantment, have Levy and Freed draw up papers and books in a vain attempt to get it lifted somehow , without any success during the first day. Seemingly unnoticed by the rest of the guild, Juvia walked the now much smaller guild hall than she was used to and listened in on conversations to be had. There were a lot of theories floating through the air on how the enchantment could possibly be broken.
There were reserves of food and water in the back and at least the guild had a small bathroom included so they would not have to go without washing if they couldn’t all go home again. Still, they didn’t know how long they would have to sit in this place and so from the beginning Mirajane took it upon herself to draw up a plan for rationing. It was set up for two days and two nights, afterwards it would get very thin.
When the first ration in the evening was handed out, Juvia didn’t go and get hers. She wasn’t hungry at all, her stomach turning over and over again with an empty feeling that consumed every part of her body. She stayed in the corner behind the pillar from which she had observed the guild most of the day and watched each of them argue, make up and then finally fall asleep where they were sitting.
Levy and Freed worked through the first night. Juvia was awake too, watching the two of them try this and that in hopes that one of their solutions would click. Pale moonlight fell into the windows from outside and Juvia could see the light reflected in Gray's hair. He had discarded his clothes except pants in a fight with Natsu earlier and was now sleeping where he had stood leaning against the wall.
Day one brought new discussions. Juvia watched with open ears how member after member offered to be the one to leave the guild. Everybody had some reason or another to feel guilty, to feel like this was a punishment they deserved, but it was usually Natsu that jumped in between them. “Nobody leaves”, he would yell and once Gray opened his mouth again to argue why he, in fact, should be the one to go, Natsu punched him so hard that Juvia assumed the wall of the hall would break and let them all go outside. But it didn't.
She didn’t pick up her two rations that day either, preferring to spend the day half submerged into her own water. It was now 24h since the voice had trapped them and there was still no sign of betterment. If there wasn’t a solution in the next 24h the food would run out they realised. Juvia went and got Levy a glass of fresh water, put it down right next to her and left without a word. No need to interrupt her now as she was working so hard.
Night fell one more time, pale moonlight shining once again. Exhaustion had taken Freed hours ago wherever in the hall he was hiding, Juvia supposed he was sleeping like a dead man against Laxus' shoulder. Levy continued working despite Gajeels insistence she too should get some sleep. Eventually sleep took him too and so Juvia and Levy were the only people awake through night number two.
It was impossible to miss the stench that was all around the guild hall once the morning of day two came. Juvia watched Lucy force both Gray and Natsu to wash themselves in the sink of the little bathroom. There wasn’t soap or anything, so it would never be sufficient, but at least they smelled a little better when they came out. Juvia felt a little pain in her heart when she saw Gray with wet hair.
There was nothing to say, really, she concluded, she still liked him more than she had ever liked anyone before, no matter how little he reciprocated these feelings.
Rations would not last the day if they weren’t rationed even harder. Juvia once again didn’t get up and get hers. Mirajane had by now realised that there was always one portion left over, but she had assumed that it was due to miscalculation on her part. With all the back and forth of the days, she hadn’t noticed that Juvia hadn’t been around, eaten or talked for over 48h.
Juvia didn’t blame her that she had forgotten, after all, there really wasn’t something too memorable about her.
Levy collapsed from exhaustion and finally she let herself be convinced to at least take a few hour nap. Juvia watched Gajeel carry her to a quiet corner and thought of the time he had told her to join Phantom Lord way back when they had been children. Gajeel had always been her closest friend and she had repaid the favour to him by telling him to join Fairy Tail with her. Now he had apparently found his home and though she was very happy for him she was also a little envious.
She deeply wanted what had worked out so well for him and wasn’t working out at all for her.
But then again, Levy really liked Gajeel, for months at this point this much had been obvious, but Gray did not like Juvia, at least not, in the way Juvia wanted him to.
The third night came and they weren’t even a little bit closer to figuring out how to break the enchantment. Juvia watched people slump into chairs and corners, their shoulders hanging low and though Natsu tried to keep the spirits up, there was only little enthusiasm from others. After the 7 years of harm and misery and loneliness, half of the guild had lost every will to hope and to fight, and the exhaustion was obvious.
Soon the little food reserves would run out. Something needed to be done and it needed to be done fast.
Juvia remained in her little corner, her thoughts spacing in and out. She kept her left hand finger right over her leg scar, brushing over it back and forth to remind herself it was still there. Nobody had talked to her in over 48 hours at this point and she hadn’t made an attempt either. She felt tired, but didn’t realise she hadn’t eaten for days.
It was like she was in water. The floor below her feet felt like it was ebbing and flowing over and over again. Her throat felt dry and pained as if she was going to cry any second, but then never did. A deep sea of sadness like a dark pit was swallowing her whole with big waves and though Juvia liked rain, she had never especially enjoyed the sea.
Maybe Gray didn’t love her, wouldn’t ever love her back, but she, over all, did not regret joining this guild. When she supported Lucy and sacrificed herself for Cana and did jobs with Gajeel and teamed up with Lisanna - she was truly happy. It was possible that the guild never cared for her as much as she cared for them, but not everybody could be a main character in a story, some needed to be supportive.
Her fingers trailed from the scar to the guild emblem on her leg that sat right below it. She traced the outlines with her fingers and remembered the day she had gotten it. The guild hall was still being rebuilt when they had returned from the Tower of Heaven and though she had been shy and nervous about talking to the Master, Makarov had agreed to let her join before she had even finished asking.
Juvia had been so proud of the symbol then, staring at it in mirrors at every opportunity she had. Of course there was Gray, and being in the same place as him made her happy, but she was also proud to be so openly invited into the family. She had made a promise to herself to never let them down.
But what now? Now that they had let her down?
Or maybe she was just overreacting after all.
There was this unbearable pain at her heart when she thought about being separated from the ones she loved here, but wouldn’t they be grateful if this situation would be resolved? And that it was her that resolved it? They had all been together for so long, Juvia was basically one of the last to join. So her leaving would be acceptable, she thought.
Everybody would be glad to get back to guild business, to not be trapped here anymore and they would probably not even notice that she wasn’t around anymore. Or even if, maybe they’d be proud of her courage.
Freeing them from this situation would at least make a main character for a moment. This way, maybe, at least Gray would respect her.
Her fingers found the top of the emblem again and Juvia traced it one more time, slowly, as if she was peeling it off her damaged skin. Soon the blues came undone under her touch and piece by piece the fairy disappeared until there was only a gaping hole where her guild association used to be.
Juvia stared at her leg.
There was only the scar now.
She got up for the first time in what felt like weeks and left her dark corner. Most of the guild members were asleep with heads on tables or bodies hunched together. Juvia felt a swelling love for all of them and this strange happiness overcame her. They’d wake up and be free, she thought. It would make them all so very happy. Finally she’d be good for something.
Automatically her eyes found the back of Gray’s head, laying on top of his arms as he was sleeping. Her heart made a jump when she saw how his lips were slightly parted to breathe. No, there was no way around it, she loved him anyways. She was a fool to love a man that didn’t even look at her, but she just did.
Silently she walked over to him until she was right behind him. She watched his chest heave in sleep and couldn’t help herself but to run her hands through his hair. “Wake up,” she whispered. And again “Come on, wake up and tell Juvia to stay.” Gray stirred under her fingers, his forehead wrinkling as if he was in pain, and for a moment she thought he really would wake.
But he didn’t.
Juvia combed his wild hair for another minute or two and then turned away.
Nobody noticed when she slipped right through the enchantment into the forest.
But oh, my love, don't forget me
When I let the water take me