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Penelope is not freaking out, okay? She is not freaking out, she's not freaking – okay fine, FINE, so maybe she just feels an eensy bit of stress about attending her ex-husband's wedding solo when her nurse practitioner board exams are the week after – "but that is a totally legit reason to be stressed, Schneider! Anyone would be worried about it. It's not a big deal, I’m handling it."
Schneider quirks an eyebrow at her over the top of his goofy-ass glasses. The two of them have assumed their standard post-Penelope-panic-attack positions on her living couch, holding hands as she comes down from the spiral. It's 1 AM and he still showed up in less than 10 minutes, because he is a great friend.
With surprising tact from a man who regularly showers in her bathroom without asking, Schneider does not point out that this is Penelope’s third panic attack this week. In fact, he doesn't say anything at all, just passes her the baby wipes. His silence feels both comforting and pointed.
"Okay," she admits, attacking the sweat under her armpits. "Maybe I am a little more stressed than usual. I’m just feeling a lot of pressure to show up to Victor’s wedding as badass Tía Nurse Practitioner, a super-successful career woman who's also sexy as hell. Not pobrecita Tía Divorce, still alone. I walked away from him, you know? I need everybody to see I’m doing amazing as soon as I enter the room.”
Penelope sighs. “I just wish the ceremony were after my exams. Both events back-to-back has me kinda – not exactly overwhelmed, but – "
"Just whelmed?” Schneider suggests.
She laughs. "Yeah. Whelmed. Why'd that asshole have to schedule his big day first?"
"Pen," he says slowly. "I know you can handle anything – you're Sergeant Alvarez hashtag Nevertheless-She-Persisted, but do you actually have to handle this?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do you really need to go to Victor's wedding? If you could use the time to study..."
"What? Of course I have to go! How else am I gonna win the divorce if I don’t look hot and support Elena while her jerk of a dad gets a happy ending?"
"I mean, did Elena ask for this kind of support? Does she specifically want you to be there that day?"
Huh. Penelope thinks for a second. "Well, not exactly. We talked about it a lot after Victor asked both of them to be in the ceremony, and Elena seems pretty calm about the whole thing. Actually...she told me it was okay if I didn't want to come. And, uh, Alex might have said that too. A few times."
Her eyes widen and she clutches his bathrobe lapel frantically.
"Oh God, do Alex and Elena not want me there? Do they think I'm just a pathetic loser clinging to my ex-man?? Am I an embarrassment even to my own kids?!?" She’s starting to hyperventilate again.
"Hey, hey. Look at me." Schneider puts a finger under her chin and turns her face towards his to make eye contact. "Match my breathing, okay?” Following his lead, she feels her pulse stop racing. "You know that's your brain lying to you, chica. Of course your kids think you're amazing. Of course they want you there. I mean, yeah, Victor probably doesn’t, but that’s because he doesn't want anyone realizing his new boo is just a knockoff Pen.”
“It’s so weird, right?” she whispers, calming down.
“So weird,” he agrees. “Penelope, maybe Elena and Alex just want you to be happy. And maybe they think that you coming to the wedding won't make you happy.”
“Yeah, okay…that’s a really good point, Schneider.” She sighs. “But you don’t think it would be worth it? To show the whole family up?”
Schneider shrugs. “I guess. Are the panic attacks worth it?”
“No…not really.” Penelope scrunches her nose. “Ugh. Well, I guess I could save my outfit and wear it to Cousin Estrellita’s son’s first communion in July. I’ll still look hot and I'll have finished taking my boards. So by then I really will be Tía Badass NP.”
“Yeah, you will!” Schneider fist-pumps the air like the dork he is. She rolls her eyes at him, smiling.
“Okay, so I won’t go to the wedding. I promise. What should I do instead? I don't think I could focus on studying that day, honestly.”
“Then do something fun! Some kind of self-care that’s special.”
“Ooh, maybe a Matt Damon marathon and a giant bag of Cheetos?”
“Pen, that's just your normal Saturday night.”
She throws the baby wipes packet at him. “Fine, what's your amazing suggestion?”
“Well, if you want to relax, how about a spa day? Facials, massages, you know. Let a nice Thai lady with a scary amount of upper body strength get all your stress out, surrounded by incense and soothing harp music.”
Penelope snorts. “Yeah okay, maybe I can pick up some essential oils and a discount candle at Target. Break out the ol’ foam roller. That's about the level of spa budget I can handle until I get that nurse practitioner salary bump.”
“Okay, then I’ll treat you. I have Double Lotus status at Holistic Bliss in Santa Monica. We can get a full-day treatment, the works.”
“Wait, you don't want to go to the wedding? That’s really nice of you, but I don't want to keep you from a good time. You love any excuse to dress up and dance with Cubans!”
Schneider rubs the back of his neck. “I’m glad for Victor but to be honest, ‘Happy Ever After’ isn’t really the vibe I need now either.”
Ah. “Still no word from Avery, huh?”
“No.” A pause. “It’s okay, I get it. I know I ghosted her when I started drinking again…shutting Avery out like that was unfair. It was cowardly of me, and probably really scary for her. I totally broke her trust.”
Penelope reaches over to squeeze his shoulder. “Hey. Listen. You’re 26 days sober and each of those days is a victory. You’re doing so great! When Avery’s ready to see that, she’ll call you back. And if she doesn’t…it’s her loss. Really.”
“Thanks, Pen,” he says to his lap.
She can’t bear to see him looking so sad. “Schneider. I have an important question.”
“Yeah?”
“Would you please treat me to a fancy-ass spa day at Mystical Bliss or whatever? As a friend? I think we could both use a self-care sesh.”
Schneider smiles. “Actually, I just became available two Saturdays from now. If that works for you.”
Penelope mimes checking her calendar. “Oh yep, that’s perfect. Absolutely zero plans. And my kids are busy that day too, even better.”
“Deal. It’s a friend date,” he says, then yawns so widely she can hear his jaw crack.
“OK, thanks for coming down, but I think it’s bedtime for both of us.”
“Yeah. See you tomorrow, Pen.”
She hugs him impulsively and he pats her on the back before heading upstairs.
As Penelope gets back into her own bed, her phone screen lights up. 2 notifications from Schneider already? He left like 15 seconds ago.
The first is a Google Calender invite for the first Saturday in May: “PEN + PAT SPA DAY 💆🏽♀️💅🏽🧖🏻🧖💆🏻♂️✨”
The second is a photoset of 4 otters wearing ski hats.
That absolute goofball. She can’t wait.
***
When the big day finally arrives, Penelope’s remaining ex-husband resentment has mostly faded behind curiosity about hanging out one-on-one with Schneider. They’ve never spent a whole day together without family drama to stir up or crises to solve. Instead it’ll be massages and mani-pedis, like she's always wanted to do with a girlfriend. (Platonic girlfriend, Elena. Like Jill from their veterans therapy group. Hey, why haven't she and Jill gotten mani-pedis yet? Penelope owes her a text.)
As Penelope finishes her coffee before Schneider comes downstairs, the rest of the family is suspiciously quiet – almost as if they're just waiting for her to leave so they can start getting ready for the wedding without her.
"Are you just waiting for me to leave?" she demands, hands on hips.
"Nope," says Alex with his trademark dimpled smile. (It's almost working.)
"Of course," Lydia sniffs.
"No…well…kinda," Elena bursts out, wringing her hands.
Penelope draws breath to either confront them or justify herself – not totally sure which way she wants to go – just as Schneider lets himself in their front door.
"Hey, Pen, you ready?"
The audible sighs of relief behind her are irritating, but Penelope is immediately distracted by Schneider's face.
"Contacts? I haven't seen you in those since Elena's quinces."
Schneider shrugs. "On a self-care day, taking my glasses on and off after each treatment is a pain. And they just fog up in the sauna."
"So why don't you wear them all the time?" Penelope asks, grabbing her duffel bag and kissing each of her children.
"What, and give up these awesome frames? Fat chance!" Schneider turns to the rest of the family. "Tell Victor felicidades from me, guys. Elena, you got this." He and Elena fist-bump.
"Do not worry," Lydia says, "I will be right beside her, watching for signs of the homophobia like an elegant Cuban hawk." She bares her fingers like hooked claws.
Penelope laughs and waves goodbye, following Schneider down to his parking spot.
"You seriously never thought of going full contacts?"
"Why would I? Like the kids say, these frames are lit." His voice floats back up the stairs toward her.
Penelope rolls her eyes. More like “should be lit on fire". He looks much more...intriguing... without them. But he's paying for the whole damn day, so she keeps that thought to herself.
***
Once they’re finally on the road – Schneider doesn't even need GPS, apparently he knows the way by heart – Penelope remembers some questions she's had since he first made their plans.
“So what's so great about this spa? And what did you mean that you're a fancy lotus?”
“Oh, my chest waxer used to work at Holistic Bliss before he went solo. I liked it enough to keep my membership even though I see Eduardo separately now.”
(You know, it's a sign of how close they’ve become lately that Penelope doesn't even give him shit for that.)
“And the lotus thing?”
“I'm a Double Lotus, it's the membership level. Single Lotus is for regular members, so they pay separately for extra services, like the sauna or multi-step facials. Double Lotus means if you book far enough in advance, you don't pay more than your monthly fee, and they give you a private changing suite.”
“Is there, like, a Triple Lotus?”
“Yeah, that's Jennifer Aniston.”
Penelope snorts.
“Seriously! As a Triple Lotus, they’ll reserve the whole center just for you and bring in your specialty product requests. And you can book the Bliss team for private events at your home too. All their celebrity members choose Triple status.”
“You didn't want that one?”
“Nah, Double Lotus is enough for me. Eduardo would make fun of me, and I don't need a whole spa to myself.”
“Wow,” Penelope muses. “I never thought I'd go places that an actual celebrity also likes. None of us Alvarezes are that fancy.”
“What about your cousin Manny drinking at his local with whatshisname, the Aventura lead singer?”
“First of all, he ‘forgot’ to get a photo with Romeo Santos, so we have no proof that actually happened. And second of all, that bar is disgusting, Manny has no standards. I wouldn't be caught dead going there and I bet you a Triple Lotus that neither would Romeo.”
“I probably would've, before. The grosser the better for drunk Schneider.”
“Have you ever met any other celebrities at your regular places?”
“Well, I don't know if this counts but I once got set up with Katherine Schwartzenegger, the Terminator’s daughter. I took her to my then-favorite restaurant.”
“Shut up! How?”
“Oh, when Ah-nold was running for California governor, he met Father at some fundraising event. I’d just gotten clean from relapse number 3, and our dads thought we’d be a good match. But Katherine didn't. Most awkward Korean-Lebanese fusion of my life. Totally ruined the vibes of that place for me.”
“Wait, isn't she the one who married a Marvel guy? The Worst Chris?”
“Yeah, Chris Pratt.”
“Bad move on her part, homegirl traded down,” Penelope teases.
Schneider flushes a little, it’s kind of cute. “Thanks, Pen. Um. Did you remember a bathing suit for the sauna?”
“Yeah, but you better promise not to laugh. I haven't bought a new one since before Alex stopped nursing, and the boob cups might be all saggy.”
“Long as you don't laugh at me for wearing a speedo.”
“You for real?” She cackles.
“You’ll have to wait and see…”
Penelope reaches down between her seat cushion and the car door to adjust the angle of her backrest, but accidentally hits another button instead. “Whoa, is this a butt warmer?”
“Yup. Three temperature settings. There’s a seat cooler too if you want it.”
“Fancy-ass rich guy car,” Penelope mutters.
Schneider grins at her. You love it, he mouths. She does.
***
Holistic Bliss is located on the outskirts of Santa Monica, on a quiet road where you might miss the turn-off if you blink. Ascending the gentle slope of the long driveway, they can’t even see the spa right away. Finally, it comes into view: a low white-stucco one-story building that curves away from them, its back end obscured by impeccable desert landscaping. There’s a discreet glass sign with bronze lettering next to the front doors: HOLISTIC BLISS WELLNESS CENTER: DISCOVER YOUR OM.
Schneider parks in one of the spots marked with two pink flowers – oh duh, Double Lotus – then exits and opens the passenger door for Penelope while she’s still busy tagging Holistic Bliss on Instagram.
“So I booked us the standard package, nothing too ambitious for your first time: sauna, massage, facial, and ending with mani-pedis. Sound good?”
“Yeah, sure. Anything’s better than a CVS face mask on sale.”
“Don’t even mention drugstore products in there, they’ll freak out.”
“Okay, weirdo.”
“I’m serious, don’t!” He looks legit worried about it.
“Alright, alright, I promise.” Uh oh, what has she gotten herself into?
Inside, the spa – excuse her, the wellness center – is giving Apple Store filtered through pale wood tones and climbing vines. The reception desk is staffed by a tiny white woman, a brunette with huge extensions and perky tits. She has the makeup and proportions of a Bratz doll and the smile of a Barbie.
"Namaste! Welcome to Holistic Bliss. We rejoice in releasing the energies that – oh, Schneider!" She breaks off mid-script. "Maxine didn't tell me you'd booked for today! You haven’t been here in ages. We’ve missed you!”
"Hi Amber," he says. "Yep, the Double Lotus signature special for both of us, me and Penelope."
Amber's false lashes flick over to Penelope. "Namaste. Is it a couples package or...?"
They both laugh. "Just friends doing some self-care, but we can share the changing suite," Schneider says. "That okay with you, Pen? It has a private bathroom attached."
"Fine with me."
Amber visibly perks up. "In that case, here's your treatment menu for the day. Please initial your approval of the team member assigned to each treatment. Of course, at Holistic Bliss you may request staff of any gender for all services. And Schneider, since you know all of us already, why don't you pick your suite's personalized incense blend?" She hands both of them iPads.
"You got it."
"Penelope..." Amber beckons her closer, whispering. "Schneider probably didn't think of this for you, but we offer V-Steam treatments as well, and I can easily reserve you a quick session and extend his Deep Tissue massage 20 minutes. Our team won the 2019 Golden Chakras Award for deepest cleansing experience."
"V-Steam? What's..." But then Penelope sees what Amber's pastel acrylics are pointing to on the tablet screen. "V as in vagina?" She tries not to laugh. "I'm good, thanks."
"You sure? Jennifer swears by them."
"I'm sure. Spa newbie here, sticking with the basics is good for me."
"Then you're in great hands here at Holistic Bliss! Would you like a complimentary crystal to center you throughout your visit? You can take it with you afterwards to channel the healing energies at home."
Amber reaches below the gleaming marble counter and takes out several baskets of shiny rocks.
Penelope is not really a woo-woo kinda gal but...oh, that one's so pretty! She picks up a purple stone with swirls inside, holding it up to the recessed ceiling spotlights.
"Amethyst, good choice," Schneider says, handing Amber back his iPad. "That’s for graceful serenity – right, Amber?"
"Right!" She beams up at him. Penelope bites her lip to hold back a smirk. Amber is too short to lean any farther over the counter but homegirl is making sure her biggest assets are on display.
"The Bali Dove suite is all set up for you. I'll ask Helyx to send up your usual beverage platter: citrus water, kombucha, the herbal tea array. No natural wines or cocktails, correct?"
"You got it. You always take such good care of me." Schneider smiles at Amber and Penelope would swear she actually tinges pink under that self-tanner.
"Well, I certainly don't need to give you any more instructions, Schneider. I know you’ll walk your friend through everything perfectly. Have a great day at Holistic Bliss, you two! Namaste!"
"Namaste," they echo, Penelope a beat behind him. She waits until they're down the hall down the hall and out of earshot before leaning in: "That little thing has such a crush on you, Schneider."
"Amber? No way. The Bliss staff is just super friendly."
"Yeah way! She couldn't keep her eyes off you for one second. I'm telling you, if you're looking for a rebound, I bet she'd – whoa!" Penelope cuts herself off in disbelief as they enter their private suite.
The Bali Dove suite is bigger than her entire living room, paneled in bamboo and accented in beiges and creams. Plush lounge chairs and bamboo benches offer luxury seating options. The open shelving holds stacks of fluffy towels, lotions in fancy jars, incense burners and oil diffusers, and some things she doesn’t even recognize. A polished concrete sink runs half the length of one wall with a mirror to match, a huge walk-in shower is tucked behind a frosted glass partition, and chubby candles in graceful nooks all over the room give the place a soft glow.
Schneider opens a nearly invisible cabinet built into the paneling and takes out a gigantic robe, handing it to Penelope.
"Ohmigod, this is the softest thing I've ever touched. Do I even want to know how many unicorns died to make this?"
"Don't worry, I'm sure they're sustainably farmed," Schneider promises. "Check it out, the robe's got a special pocket for your crystal."
"Pet rocks are making a comeback, I'm into it," Penelope says happily.
“Okay, Pen, time for a full day of Bliss. We’ll start with the sauna. You need to take a shower to rinse off outside dirt and oils, then get your bathing suit and flip-flops on. You can go first – I’ll wait behind here.” Schneider presses another random spot on the wall paneling and like magic, out comes a woven bamboo screen to section off a space next to the shower.
“Every single part of this is blowing my mind, Schneider. You come here every month?” Penelope sheds her sweats and underwear behind the screen and ducks into the shower.
“Like clockwork. At least, until I fell off the wagon again. This is actually my first time back since before Father came to visit.”
“Aww, Schneider! And you brought me with you!?” Penelope feels a little teary – or maybe that’s soap in her eye.
“Of course. You needed some self-care and I like your company. I didn’t really want to restart another routine alone.”
She shivers happily as she steps out of the shower, drying herself off and melting into the softness of her robe. “Your turn. I’m going to go silence my phone and put it away for four whole hours.”
“Good! The Bliss staff are very strict about no devices beyond the reception hall. They clutter the healing aura.”
While Schneider showers, Penelope swipes through the newest photos in the family groupchat. When Alex takes their selfies, everyone looks amazing. When Elena does it, somehow everyone looks confused or constipated. But either way, they’re all still gorgeous in their wedding party suits. She sighs, and switches to airplane mode before finishing the album so she won’t get a glimpse of Victor or his soon-to-be wife Nicole. Schneider’s put her duffel bag in another invisible built-in locker, and she slips the phone in there too.
“Ready for the sauna?” Schneider steps around the bamboo divider. Those contacts are still throwing her off, but at least the sight of him in a robe is familiar; Penelope has seen him wear one at least a dozen times during their late-night talks. Though he usually has pajamas underneath.
“Ready! I didn’t even know co-ed saunas were a thing.”
Schneider leads the way to the sauna entrance. “Some places don’t allow it. But I would never patronize any wellness establishment that would perpetuate the heteronormative binary. Saunas are about healing, not division.” He pauses at the steam door with a hand over his heart.
“We get it, you’re Ally of the Year.” She hangs her robe on a hook next to his. “Just kidding, I think it’s sweet.”
So now Penelope’s nearly naked with her guy best friend, no big. Schneider actually is wearing a black Speedo, and she has to admit it sets off his six-pack very nicely. As for her ancient one-piece, it technically fits but is faded in random patches and pulls weirdly under her armpits. Penelope hasn’t gone swimming since she left the Army, but if they do this again, she really needs to get a new bathing suit.
They sit next to each other on a long bench made of wood slats. Schneider adjusts the temperature settings on a nearby wall panel.
“Dr. B. says that in Yiddish, this is called a ‘schvitz’,” he tells her.
“You took Dr. Berkowitz to Holistic Bliss?”
“Just once, when you guys went on vacation with your brother Tito. Doc and I really bonded that weekend. We’re totes sweat brothers now. It’s like blood brothers but with less, uh, blood.”
“And much more gross.” Penelope laughs. “So you take all your friends here, huh? I’m not that special after all.”
“Pshh, don’t even. Of course you’re special.”
Ah, here comes the heat. Penelope closes her eyes and basks in the, well, the bliss.
15 minutes later, Schneider gently shakes her good shoulder, bringing her back to earth. “C’mon, Pen. That’s enough for your first time. Time to rinse off and rehydrate.”
Penelope’s a little wobbly as they exit, leaning on Schneider slightly. “Sorry that I’m dripping on you. Not sure if it’s condensation or leftover sweat.” She tries to rub it off his forearm.
“A little extra sweat never hurt anyone,” he smiles down at her. “You can leave it.”
Back in their suite, the previously mentioned beverage platter has appeared and incense is filling the air, as if by magic instead of an invisible team of staff. After showering again, changing into underwear and slipping her robe back on, Penelope lies down on a lounger and sips her lemon water slowly. She could really get used to this.
***
Massages are next on the menu, and while they will be sharing a room again, there’s another bamboo divider waiting to be set up. Schneider hugs his masseuse, an Asian woman who doesn’t smile back, focusing instead on examining his shoulder blades.
“Too stiff,” she says to him. “You waited too long.”
“I know, Chaem Choi. I’m sorry.”
“This will hurt,” she warns him, pushing him towards his massage bed and pulling the screen across.
Penelope gulps and looks at her masseuse nervously. He is tall, blonde, impeccably groomed, and much more friendly-looking. “I’m Gunnar,” he says. “First massage for you, yes? We will use hot stones. I promise it will not hurt.” He smiles, and his teeth are very white.
“Okay,” she says, gingerly getting onto the bed. “It’s just, I have a bum shoulder from the Army and – “
“Yes, do not worry. Your friend Schneider listed that on your profile. Hot stones will help. My husband has a similar injury from his time in the Norwegian Navy, I use it with him also.”
Penelope relaxes, both from his understanding and from the fact that Gunnar is gay. It’s a little embarrassing, but she’s more comfortable having a gay guy touching her naked back so intimately. Does that mean she’s not woke enough, because she still notices that? Sometimes she wishes she could be as good of an ally as Schneider.
The man in question is yelping softly behind his screen as the ruthless Chaem Choi begins his treatment. She can’t believe he chooses to get beat up on purpose. That’s got to count as a kink of some kind.
Penelope blinks away the thought of Schneider’s kinks, just in time for Gunnar to gently set the first heated stone on her lower back. Ahh…
***
There are no clocks or windows anywhere in Holistic Bliss, so Penelope’s lost all sense of the outside world by the time they move onto their facials. As a smiling but silent gender-ambiguous staff member exfoliates her face, Penelope idly wonders if the wedding ceremony has started yet. What Nicole’s dress looks like. Whether people are noticing that her kids are there but she isn’t. How the catering will compare to her menu 19 years ago.
These are the same thoughts she’s had for weeks, but now they feel detached from her nervous system. The thoughts are floating around in the air above her, hovering like the smell of incense, but can’t touch her inner peace. Maybe this is the mindfulness that Pam at group therapy is always talking about: the ability to have those petty or insecure thoughts but not be controlled by them. Kind of a pricey way to achieve that mental state, but it sure is nice not to be freaking out.
“Rose quartz, ma’am?” Her facialist asks.
“Hmm?”
“Would you like the optional rose quartz facial massager or should we go straight to the witch hazel treatment?”
Penelope has no idea what difference it would make, but today’s all about indulging, right? Which means all the extras, right? “Rose quartz, please!”
“Coming right up.”
***
Side-by-side again for their mani-pedis, Penelope waves at Schneider from her seat. His “refreshed and rejuvenated” face is glowing under the soft lighting and she’s sure hers is too. She feels like she’s glowing all over, inside and out. Penelope wants to put this into words – wants to share it with him, tell him how good today has been – but she also doesn’t want to break the silence. It’s so peaceful in here, with a playlist of soft wind chimes echoing behind the running water of the pedicure station.
Schneider’s nail technician murmurs something to him. He bends forward and answers back quietly – is that Vietnamese?!? That white boy has hidden depths.
“Which color for your feet, ma’am?”
Penelope looks down at the array of bottles. Probably the proper Holistic Bliss choice is something soft and classy and pale: pastel or faux-natural, but. Even in the most zen state she’s ever been in, that electric yellow is calling her name. Let’s be bold, Lupe, she tells herself, and points to the neon bottle.
Her nail technician raises a delicately shaped eyebrow but reaches for it. Uh oh. Is that not Double Lotus enough? Is she revealing her trashy middle-class Latina true self?
Schneider leans over to see what she’s chosen as his nail tech takes a pumice stone to his feet. “Oh yellow, nice. You love that nail color. And you should go with turquoise for your manicure, you look great in blue.”
Both nail techs blanch at the color pairing – which is fair, honestly, it’s a pretty in-your-face combo and not even what Penelope was going for – but she’s touched by Schneider’s validation of her choices. And she does look great in blue.
“Yes,” she says, raising her chin. “I would like turquoise for my hands. And you can put a glitter topcoat on them too.”
Her nail tech gulps, but nods. And that’s the end of that.
Penelope knows that for as long as the manicure lasts, she’ll look down at her hardworking hands and enjoy their sparkle, remembering this feeling.
***
The mani-pedis were the last of their treatments, so they return to the Bali Dove suite together to wind down. Schneider pours himself some more kombucha but Penelope doesn’t want anything else to drink, just to relax and savor the feeling of this incredible robe against her skin for a few more minutes. Seriously, she needs to smuggle it out of here in her duffle bag.
She sits down next to him on the bench with a sigh, stretching her legs out in front of her and admiring how her painted toenails look in the candlelight.
“Schneider, today was really special. You were right, I totally needed a break.”
“I’m glad,” he says, leaning back to place his empty kombucha glass in one of the wall nooks.
“Anyway, sorry I used to make fun of you for this kind of stuff. If I had your bank account, I’d Double-Lotus myself every month too.”
“Then consider this an open invitation to a day at the Bliss,” Schneider says. “Whenever you want some self-care, just say the word. Amber’s always happy to find room for me.” Penelope waggles her eyebrows at him.
“She’s not my type,” Schneider says, tucking a stray curl of hair behind her ear. “Hey, you still have some Vitamin E mask left on your cheek.” He rubs the leftover goop in with his thumb, smoothing it down the side of her face towards her chin.
At this angle, Penelope’s head is perfectly positioned to stare at his chest, where some stubble is peeking out from the open V of his robe. And suddenly – maybe it’s her total relaxation, maybe it’s how open and gentle his face seems without his glasses, maybe all the lavender-sandalwood incense is some kind of aphrodisiac, or maybe it’s just that it’s been a while – suddenly Penelope wants. And why shouldn’t she go for it? Isn’t this another way of treating herself?
Penelope leans in and licks his collarbone, then tilts her head back to look up at Schneider, raising an eyebrow. He blinks at her, surprised.
Look, normally Penelope would be mortified by what she just did. But Holistic Bliss has relaxed her so far beyond embarrassment that she smiles at him calmly. It’s just sex. Either he’s down for it or he’s not – and then Schneider exhales softly and bends down to kiss her jawline, following the same path that his thumb traced. So that’s an enthusiastic yes, she thinks, and hums happily into his hair.
Soon enough Penelope’s in his lap, letting Schneider slide her robe off her shoulders, feeling the temperature rise like they’re back in the sauna, enjoying how well their bodies fit together. Good thing this is a private room…
And soon enough after that, Penelope is flat on her back on a lounge chair: legs spread open with her best friend’s head and hands between them, making her needy, trembling.
“Damn, no wonder Nikki from the PTA didn’t want to give you up,” she pants. “How’d you get so good at this?”
Schneider shrugs, looking up from her thighs. “I had about 15 years of not doing anything but booze and drugs and sex,” he says. “Lots of practice. And when I got sober –” he adds another finger and she gasps – “I found out the ladies like it even better when you can actually focus on the task.”
“Oooh,” Penelope sighs. “Focus good – yeah. Keep your tongue there. There. I totally approve of you being soberrrrr…” She trails off into a whimper. He laughs against her clit and finishes sending her over the edge.
Afterwards, when Penelope’s heart rate has slowed and she’s able to sit up, Schneider’s leaning against the wall across from her, smiling softly. His hair’s a disaster from her greedy hands, but otherwise he’s the same old Schneider.
“So should we add orgasms to the list of cures for anxiety?” she jokes. “It totally did amazing things for my nerves.”
“Sure, if you want. Not sure about doing that in your living room, though. Lydia doesn’t have a door.”
“True,” Penelope says. “Well. Thank you. For everything today, but especially that.”
“I like taking care of you, Pen. With whatever you need.” Schneider straightens up, away from the wall. “You ready to change and head out?”
“Wait, where are you going?”
“What do you mean? If we head home now, we can avoid most of the traffic on I-10.”
“But you didn’t get to come, that’s not fair.” She gestures at his lower half – the robe goes down to his knees, but as he stood up earlier, she caught a glimpse of a nice-looking bulge...
Schneider flushes. “Oh – you don’t have to –”
“Yeah, yeah, we’re past all that.” Penelope grabs her robe from the bench and walks him back against the wall.
“Pen, I …I don’t have any condoms…”
Penelope spreads her robe out on the floor in front of him and kneels down on it. “Who said anything about needing a condom?”
Schneider’s eyes widen as she unties his robe and brings his cock forward. “Besides, the Army taught me to never leave a man behind,” Penelope says and takes him into her mouth.
“Uh-hh,” he stutters. “Th-thank you for your service.” She smirks around him. Still got it!
***
The trip home together is just about the most relaxed she’s ever felt. Even hitting the inevitable LA traffic – so ridiculous, it’s Saturday – doesn’t bring Penelope down. Mostly she thinks about nothing at all, enjoying the unfamiliar sensation of a blissed-out brain. Besides, she’s not the one driving.
A small part of her is surprised she isn’t freaking out about having hooked up with Schneider, of all people. And maybe she should be, but really she’s just glad to have a healthy coping mechanism, no strings attached. They’ve leveled up their friendship twice today: first the all-day hang and then good sex without being awkward after.
Besides, Penelope doesn’t have time to date anyone, and he’s only a month sober, still putting his pieces back together. Speaking of which –
“Hey, do you have an AA meeting tonight?”
“Yep, at 8.”
“Want me to come with you?”
“Really?”
“Yeah, why not? The kids won’t be back til late, you know Cuban parties. I’m happy to keep you company. See that hot sponsor of yours,” she jokes.
“Thanks, Pen. I’d like that.” Schneider reaches over the gearshift and squeezes her hand.
Drums swell over the Range Rover’s speakers, and for the first time, she notices the music playing. “Oh dude! Is this Steely Dan? From your yacht rock mix?”
“And what of it dot gif? They’re classic for a reason!” He says defensively.
“Dork.”
“Philistine.”
She sticks her tongue out at him. He elbows her in the side, smiling.
“Look, you just haven’t been able to fully appreciate their greatness. With surround sound like this –” but before Schneider can continue, his phone buzzes through the car speakers. “Can you check that for me?”
“Wow, you got three voicemails since we left the spa.”
“Huh, why didn’t I hear them ring?”
“Maybe it’s an issue with your fancy speaker system.” Penelope teases.
“Ha, ha. Can you hit play?”
“You sure you want me to hear them?”
Schneider shrugs. “I don’t think I have any secrets left from you at this point.”
“That’s fair. Siri, play all voicemails.”
“Playing voicemails,” the computer echoes and starts the recordings.
The first message is from their local hardware store, telling him that the refrigerator part he ordered (must be for a tenant) has arrived. Penelope notices they’re still holding hands and lets go so that she can run her fingers over that beaded bracelet he always wears.
The second message is from his sponsor Nick, reminding him to check in if he’s not coming to the meeting tonight. Penelope closes her eyes. She feels a little sleepy.
The third message begins with, “Hi Schneider. It’s Avery.” Penelope drops his wrist, and they both sit up straight.
“Thank you for your calls, keeping me updated,” Avery’s recorded voice says. “Congratulations on hitting 1 month sober, I’m so proud of you. I know you’re working very hard. I’m sorry that I couldn’t speak to you before this. I just needed some space to think. But I’m ready now. Actually, I planned to surprise you at Victor’s wedding, but Lydia told me yesterday that you wouldn’t be there after all. That’s okay – maybe a surprise wasn’t a good idea.
Let me know when you’re free. I’d like to take you out for coffee and maybe…see if we can begin again?”
Avery’s message ends and the speakers switch back to the yacht rock playlist. They’re both quiet for a while. Penelope gathers her courage and looks over at him. Good thing they’re off the highway already – Schneider is staring straight ahead, totally unseeing.
“Schneider, pull over for a second,” she says gently. He takes a moment to respond but follows her instructions. When he’s safely parked out of the way, she sets a hand on his shoulder. “Sweetie, I think you should go get coffee with her.”
Schneider looks at her, stricken. “Really?”
“Yeah, you should. Just hear what she has to say. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”
“But…but we…”
“I know. Me too.” So much for all that very expensive relaxation, she thinks. Look at us, both stiff as hell. Penelope sighs, and tries again. “Schneider, you and me, we’re ride or die no matter what. Whatever you and Avery decide, I’m here for you. Promise. Go get ya girl.”
Schneider doesn’t say anything for a moment, then reaches for her hand and kisses it. “You’re amazing, Penelope. Thank you.”
“That’s what best friends are for,” she says, settling her hand back in her lap, not thinking about the feel of his lips on her skin.
Schneider starts his SUV again. “Want to change the music? All of Spotify is yours."
“Nah, we’re almost there,” Penelope says, noticing the street signs. “Let’s let Steely Dan give us smooth sailing all the way home.”
“You got it.”
And listen, Penelope is NOT freaking out…