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another somber midnight follows a tepid day. a dull apartment bare of personalization is lit with milquetoast moonlight. nothing is worth noting about the room itself, but the sleazy yet kind young woman residing in it, alongside her silent guest. their shared pack of cigarettes quickly runs out as the hours past 12 fly by.
nagisa, the redheaded homeowner, steals another glance at her guest across the cheap couch. she eyes the other woman’s elegant features delicately, letting a mild sparkle light her fiery orange eyes. her guest’s name is sakae; a short-haired brunette with eyes deep and lightless as the ocean. she’s a pretty one with a bright future, being just accepted into her dream university. nagisa wonders where in hell she herself will be headed.
nagisa keeps her eyes back to herself, instead taking in the pitiful sight of the gray smoke being dyed with a faint blue. it’s a miserable yet understanding silence. it’s a bit more peaceful this way, sakae remarked earlier. so strange. nagisa hates it here. she only stays because it’s all she can do. why does sakae stay in places like these, with people like her?
“i don’t know anymore,” sakae suddenly mutters. “the reason i remain like this.”
“i was just wondering the same thing, nagisa says with offbeat cheer, both genuine and sarcastic.
“a top university, career opportunities… a tuition paid with blood. figuratively. despite everything, i’ve still been feeling nothing.”
nagisa’s eyes return to sakae, her gaze now unreadable rather than adoring, contemplative rather than soft.
“i work so hard…” sakae continues. “i do everything in my power to take myself to the top, even taking others down in my place, and i feel nothing. am i a bad person for this? i should feel victorious, or guilty, or something like that.”
“yeah.”
“yes. and i don’t feel anything like it.”
“do you feel anything?”
“that’s a loaded question, isn’t it?” sakae forces a sardonic smile. “well, not even i know the answer. i’m just rambling here, you know me.”
“haha, no i don’t, dummy!” nagisa’s voice lilts as if it were a joke. “it’s hard to know you. i guess that’s alright, though.”
“i guess.”
“but you know, in my opinion, i think you’re doing just great. you’re wonderful. you’re literally on the steps to just… have it all!”
“fuuuck, that’s amazing to hear, i won’t lie. say those things more, won’t you?” sakae laughs. “it’s great to hear people think that of me. i guess that’s all i’m after, huh? i guess i am pretty shallow.”
“nothing’s wrong with that most of the time. i guess that’s easy for me to say, though.”
“give yourself more credit, little hero. i mean that.”
the silence briefly returns. sakae takes another smoke, seemingly admiring the sorrowful blue haze. she’s so weird. but it’s nice. she always finds solace in all the gloomy things. it fits her. nagisa, on the other hand, finds a place in trashy hedonism; alcohol, nightclubs, a quick fight sometimes. shows a lot about her. all the bad and trivial and idiotic things.
why does sakae stay in places like these, with people like her? does she care about her? does she like the polar opposite environment?
i guess that’s all i’m after, huh?
or maybe she enjoys the thrill and mockery in this shithole, like some fucked up way to inflate her ego, then leaving when she’s had her fill. that’s gotta be ridiculous, though.
hero … that’s amazing to hear. damn right, nagisa helps people. so she tries to keep her jealousy in check. she notices, though, that her temper is beginning to heat up. she’s a little nervous now. an outburst at a time like this would ruin everything.
sakae sighs. “i hate this. i still feel worthless. nothing’s ever enough for me, and i… i fucking hate it.”
“i can relate to that,” nagisa rolls her eyes, soon noticing the ashtray still sparking some fire. it’s a hazard, but she’s used to not putting it out, anyway. it’ll be fine.
“i’m tired. i feel like i’m gonna break, and here i am, pursuing impossible things i know i’m too stupid for, and i don’t even know why. any bits of approval i get from this are mere stimulants. every other part of it… it doesn’t even hurt. it does nothing! it looks so grand, but goddamnit, i’m doing nothing!”
tsk. sakae begins ranting, making meaningless motions with her hands as her blank face falls into something dark and sickened. with herself? who the hell knows.
“no matter what, some other… rando is gonna be better than me!” the scholar continues. “people will love me for what i do, but love some other person for… f-for them! for themselves! how fucking lucky! how lovely and amazing that some people are just born so wonderful and amazing, right? and every. fucking. card! every fucking card that life gives them, it’s played so wonderfully in their own favor! it’s so nice, so great, it pisses me off–!”
“YOU’RE the one pissing me off, you know that?” nagisa suddenly snaps, rising with enough force to knock over an end table. did sakae flinch? she looks like a deer in headlights.
oh, who cares?
“it’s hilarious, really!” nagisa scoffs with a fake grin. “hilarious, and absolutely fucking ridiculous. don’t paint yourself like a pretty victim all the time, always ranting and raving about how empty you are about your amazing, bright and successful future! you have it all! you have absolutely fucking everything! do you only talk to me to rub it in my face?”
“...wh—what the hell are you on about? i talk with you because i trust you!”
“sure, yeah, whatever,” nagisa sneers incredulously. “rant about how fucking good you have it! it’s fine, ‘cause i’m so sleazy that i don’t give a shit, right? right?!”
“where are you getting this? what the hell is wrong with you all of a sudden?!”
“god, you always think that nobody gives a flying fuck about you. that’s beyond moronic. you think no one gives a shit about a doctor? no one gives a shit about scumbags like me, all around the world, forgotten and overshadowed by hotshots like you! boo-hoo, you’re so goddamn smart and successful and everyone loves you, but you don’t feel anything! not victory, not gratitude! nothing! you ungrateful sack of shit!”
“you know what? yeah, you don’t know me! you don’t know a thing! hell, i’m wondering if you’re even listening right when i talk to you; you don’t know how to pay attention to anything! i work my ass off— no, i work my soul off while you’re too busy pitying yourself! and all i get in return are half-assed copy-paste compliments to put a band-aid over what remains of my self worth, and some pure angel gets the worship of mankind, or something!”
“god, you never see what you have! at least some people look up to you in some way. you want to be fucking worshipped above all else, is that it? are you a narcissist? and i’m just glad to be acknowledged as a human! you are shallow!”
“live it up! you should! it’s nice to feel like a human at all! it’s nice to be really loved by even just a few people, and it must be real fucking nice to make everyone around you so enamored by just being you! at least you have that. you—you ungrateful sack of shit.”
“what, so you’re not human? you’re higher? you’re perfect, is that it?” nagisa mocks. “wait, that’s not what you think. you think— you know that you’re really fucking pathetic! you’re just like i am! it’s just that you’re better at lying to everybody’s faces! it’s that you’re just a machine! you don’t have a fucking spine, so you follow everyone’s demands like a spiral of ants! you’re gonna die like that, and you’re going to die alone!”
nagisa towers over sakae. with the moon being ready to set, the faint blue haze withers. sakae’s teary glare darkens, like sunlight fading from the depths. her pupils contract and shiver, like she’s trying to find something, anything to say. why won’t she say anything? say something.
instead, she just takes one last smoke and walks toward the door. twisted pride flares up in nagisa before she could snuff it out.
sakae’s mouth finally opens.
“for someone who hates them so much, you’re really like your parents.”
and then she left.
the smoke thickened from the fires abandoned in the ashtray. the flames are out now, but it’s too late. deep gray smoke runs into nagisa’s throat, filling up and looping all around her neck and lungs, but she doesn’t cough it out. she can’t.
“shit.”
why’d she do that?
it’s hard to say anything more. nagisa sits on the floor in front of the couch, a lump quickly building up in her throat like a swelling cyst.
was it jealousy being let out? impatience getting in the way of understanding? childish and immature temper bursting? maybe it’s all of them. god, and no matter what, nothing’s going to change. any attempt at growth goes back to square one. no matter what she does, it always goes back, whether it’s her fault or not. this time, though, it most definitely is. she came out of nowhere. scolded someone she loves for no reason. god, what the hell was that for? what’s wrong with her? she’d wanted to avoid this with her.
well, it’s too late for self-pitying bastards like her. shame.
her head is full of everything and nothing at the same time. it hurts to think, too much and too little. it’s all smog. god, it hurts. her head hurts. everything hurts. why did she do that? don’t think about it. she has to reflect and apologize. pride and shame intertwine.
nagisa wants to stop thinking now, so she lights another cigarette.