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“Will His Majesty accompany this one?” Xiao Yuan asked gently. The sun was high in the sky, and there was a pleasant breeze fluttering through his simple white robes.
The time had finally come. He’d waited patiently for a day the Imperial Court wouldn’t meet, and had taken great care to prepare for what he had to do. Everything was in order, besides the beating of Xiao Yuan’s heart, which thumped in his chest – and Xiao Yuan was reasonably certain that that would not be resolved until he was finished.
The only thing left was to invite Yan Heqing along.
Yan Heqing cut a severe figure, even in the spring’s light. His hair was tied neatly, and stark black robes hung from his imposing frame. But when he looked at Xiao Yuan, his eyes softened, and there was nothing scary about him at all.
“Mm,” he agreed.
Xiao Yuan drew a shaking breath inward, and smiled brightly.
They trailed out of the courtyard, carefully picking their way. Xiao Yuan led Yan Heqing by the hand, and as they walked it became increasingly clear that he was taking them toward the hillside.
He caught the look in Yan Heqing’s eye, and shot him another award-winning smile. His heartbeat quickened its rabbit’s pace.
“I’m taking us there for a reason, I promise, I promise…” He assured, squeezing Yan Heqing’s hand softly.
Yan Heqing squeezed back, but his grip did not lighten afterward like Xiao Yuan’s did.
This forbidden area of the imperial grounds was much the same as it was the last time Xiao Yuan had visited. He stopped by occasionally, usually in the summer, when he missed Taoyuan Village too much to attend to his duties properly. The mulberries were not yet bearing fruit, but they were bright green, and their leaves danced against the blue sky.
“Come, come,” Xiao Yuan coaxed the silent Yan Heqing, whose brow was beginning to furrow, and whose lip was curled downward in a slight frown.
For him, this place only served as a reminder of the year they’d spent separated by the yellow springs.
There was no better place to have this talk, though, Xiao Yuan thought, as he led Yan Heqing through the fence.
The little house was the same, too, well-maintained by the imperial staff. Like the mulberries, the water lilies in the pond were not in bloom, either – though it was only a matter of weeks before their flowers would begin to unfurl.
Pushing open the door, Xiao Yuan made his way into the little house.
The tomb in the middle of the room had been long-removed – it wasn’t Xiao Yuan, that had been cradled inside. It was the Emperor of the Northern Kingdom, whom Yan Heqing harbored no affections for.
The tomb was buried elsewhere on the grounds.
Currently, Xiao Yuan took a seat next to the table, and patted the floor next to him.
Yan Heqing hesitated for a long moment, eyes darting around the room before they lingered on Xiao Yuan’s face, but eventually he took a seat. His chest rose and fell with practiced calm, even as his fingers began to tremble against his lap.
Xiao Yuan reached out, and placed a comforting hand on Yan Heqing’s knee, rubbing it back and forth with his thumb. He drew in a deep breath, steadying his heart – before he sighed, and began to speak.
“Yan-ge, I would not bring you here without a good reason,” he began, eyes flitting shut. “There are many things I wish to tell you today. Some will make you unhappy. So, this way, when I’m finished, you can leave all of those unhappy memories behind, in my room at Taoyuan Village. We’ll return to the palace, and you’ll never have to think about it again.” He cracked an eye open, to get a look at Yan Heqing’s face. “Am I making sense?”
Yan Heqing was watching him with a nervous expression, and his mouth was pressed into a hard line. But still, he gave a light nod.
Xiao Yuan studied his expression for a moment longer, before deeming his response acceptable. His thumb kept to its steady rhythm as it brushed against Yan Heqing’s knee, over and over and over.
“There are many memories from the past that I’ve kept in my heart. It hurts to keep it all inside. So, even though you’ll hate some of what I have to say, and you’ll want to interrupt, you have to promise to let me finish.” He paused, and leaned into Yan Heqing’s space, threading his arm with his husband’s and fitting their hands together. “Does Yan-ge promise?”
He gazed at Yan Heqing with teasing eyes, but underneath was a deep determination and seriousness.
“If you are in pain…” Yan Heqing considered his words for a while, before agreeing, “Mm.” His hand squeezed Xiao Yuan’s tighter, to the point where he was beginning to lose feeling in his fingertips.
Xiao Yuan had expected such reactions, and thus continued bravely forward.
“Alright. I’ll begin, then.” Xiao Yuan took one last deep breath, drawing in the scent of the spring plants and medicinal herbs and the wood of the little house, and began to recite his speech.
“In my first life, I became very sick. Ahhh, Yan-ge, don’t make that face already – I warned you that you’d hate it, didn’t I? Remember your promise, okay?
“I became very sick, and in that time I had nothing to do but read. Do you remember the books I bought for you in the dream we shared? You liked the Art of War, didn’t you? I liked that one too, but my favorite books were a different type.
“I liked stories about powerful men defeating their enemies, conquering lands, and making lasting friendships with other warriors. See, I’d failed to be a powerful man, so it was fun to read about others achieving what I couldn’t. That type of book is what I read the most, and there was no shortage of them.
“One day, I found a story I’d never read before. It was called History of the Four Kingdoms. It quickly became the favorite of all my favorites. Because, Yan-ge, the protagonist was irresistible.”
Yan Heqing grunted, low in his throat, and Xiao Yuan couldn’t help but laugh. He butted his head against Yan Heqing’s shoulder, and nuzzled his cheek against him.
“Yan-ge’s jealousy is so formidable! Don’t worry, don’t worry. You’ll understand in a moment that there’s no need for His Majesty to drink any vinegar.”
Xiao Yuan smiled, eyes pressed into crescents. Yan Heqing was so endearing.
Faced with the look of love on Xiao Yuan’s face, Yan Heqing settled. When the anguish drained from his expression, Xiao Yuan kept going.
“I really liked this protagonist so much. He faced endless hardship, but he overcame all of it. He took revenge on his enemies, united all four kingdoms, and became the emperor. Ahh, he was the best. Yan-ge, can you guess his name?”
Yan Heqing’s brow knitted together as he racked his brain for a guess. Many moments passed this way, until suddenly, something seemed to click, and his iron grip on Xiao Yuan’s hand loosened the slightest bit.
“...Yan Heqing,” he said quietly.
“Correct!” Xiao Yuan praised, and failed to resist the impulse to plant a kiss on Yan Heqing’s cheek. “My Yan-ge is so smart. How did you know?”
Yan Heqing looked down at him thoughtfully for a while, before saying, “It is how you knew about my mother’s hairpin.”
“Mhm. It is.” Xiao Yuan grinned – but his smile quickly faltered, knowing what he had to say next, and how Yan Heqing would likely take it. “But, Yan-ge, in the original book you didn’t give that hairpin to me. You gave it to someone else.”
Hearing this, Yan Heqing inhaled sharply, pulling Xiao Yuan closer by his hand. His other hand found Xiao Yuan’s jaw, caressing it roughly as he stared at him, terrified.
Xiao Yuan winced, having anticipated this.
“Remember your promise,” he scolded. He waited for Yan Heqing to relax a little, before he said any more.
The sun still hung high in the sky, and filtered in through the window – they had plenty of time to finish their talk, and there was no point in rushing it.
“A long time ago, when we shared that dream together…” He eventually said. “Ah, do you remember, Yan-ge? It’s mortifying to recount, so I’ll need praise to recover when I’m finished explaining. Mm… I was drugged by someone, and kept spouting nonsense. You… hehe, you punished me for it severely. Do you remember?”
Yan Heqing’s eyes widened slightly, but he nodded.
“The male lead Yan Heqing… who loved Princess Yongning, but married Xiao Pingyang. He married Lin Shenling, too, and had many other wives besides. You were quite the womanizer, Yan-ge! Thinking of it now, I can’t help but feel a little jealous…
“See, in this History of the Four Kingdoms, there was no Xiao Yuan in the body of the Emperor of the Northern Kingdom. There was only Zhou Yu, and he treated the male lead Yan Heqing quite terribly. The only person who ever gave any kindness to Yan Heqing in the Northern Kingdom was Princess Yongning, so he fell in love with her, and gave her his hairpin.
“But… he lost her, and she died. Afterwards, he filled the empty space in his heart with lots of wives to spend his nights with! It wasn’t fun to read, but it still made me like you even more. I’ve always thought you were very admirable, Yan-ge, with that stamina of yours.” Xiao Yuan smiled teasingly, but it faltered a little as he remembered something important. “Ah… I should say, the fate of the original Zhou Yu was not a pleasant one. How to put it… The male lead Yan Heqing… killed that Zhou Yu quite violently, in retribution for how he’d been treated. So…”
Lifting his head, Xiao Yuan gazed directly into Yan Heqing’s eyes, hoping to impart some of his feelings.
I never wanted to tell you, because I knew you’d look at me this way.
But…
Does it make a little more sense now, Yan-ge?
When Xiao Yuan first arrived in this world, he was terrified that Yan Heqing would kill him one day. Having been blessed with a second chance at life, he did everything he could to avoid that ending.
Understanding slowly began to burst in Yan Heqing’s eyes, dark and contemplative. Events that had troubled him in the past suddenly gained clarity in his mind. For a long time after they met, Xiao Yuan had behaved as if he were dealing with the Yan Heqing from the History of the Four Kingdoms –
– when, in fact, Xiao Yuan had made that Yan Heqing disappear from the moment he smiled at him. Only the Yan Heqing who loved him was left.
“I didn’t want to die,” Xiao Yuan continued, watching as Yan Heqing’s expression changed. “Especially not by the hands of the male lead, whom I loved and admired so much. I wanted to treat him nicely… and form a revolutionary friendship with him, if I could. But then… many things happened, and I thought… that Yan-ge still hated me. And I couldn’t blame you for it, since I knew exactly how the Northern Kingdom treated you…”
Tears brimmed in Xiao Yuan’s eyes, and he blinked them away the best he could. Yan Heqing was hesitating in stunned silence, and the hand on Xiao Yuan’s jaw had long since gone slack against his neck.
“I did not hate you,” Yan Heqing reminded him.
Xiao Yuan nodded solemnly. “This one knows this now,” he assured.
He pressed a kiss to Yan Heqing’s other cheek, as a tear slid down his own. Yan Heqing wiped it away with a flick of his sleeve.
“When I saw you again, on the mountain near Taoyuan Village, of course I couldn’t bear to leave you to die. I was rooting for the male lead, even then! I’d never once stopped rooting for him!
“Ahhh, it’s embarrassing… You never let me explain, back then, but I wanted to help you meet your wife, and so I pretended to be Lin Shenling. In the History of the Four Kingdoms, she was the one who healed your injuries, so I thought if I acted out her role perfectly…”
Xiao Yuan laughed wetly, and could bear to look at Yan Heqing no longer.
However, even if remembering how silly he’d been was humiliating – he kept this inside for a long time, so he still needed Yan Heqing to understand.
“Ahaha, I don’t know what I thought would happen when it came to the… bed scenes, that followed the male lead’s meeting with her…” Another laugh bubbled out from Xiao Yuan’s chest, and he resisted the urge to cover his face. “I think, secret to even myself… I really just wanted to do… that with you. So I didn’t mind pretending to be Lin Shenling, if it meant that… I could help you, and maybe we’d get to…”
Yan Heqing’s fingers flexed against his neck. “You are blushing,” he stated.
“Ah! A-am I? Yan-ge, who wouldn’t blush during a confession like this?!”
Yan Heqing said nothing, and Xiao Yuan supposed that was answer enough. Of course, a tyrannical president would be able to say anything with a straight face…
He cleared his throat, and continued.
“In any case, f-finding out that the one Yan Heqing liked was Xiao Yuan all along came as quite the surprise. I’d spent a long time trying to help you meet your wives. Can you guess how I felt, finding out that two of them ignored you and married one another instead?! I was so offended for the male lead, who I held in my heart so dearly! Ahhh, but they were just so happy, so I chose to let them be, in hopes that you’d be happy with one of your other wives…
“Only for Lin Shenling to ignore you, too! The original plot was a mess! By then, I was worried that I’d destroyed it too much, and that you’d never be able to unite the four kingdoms, what with all my meddling…”
Yan Heqing lifted Xiao Yuan by the chin, to peer steadily into his eyes. Xiao Yuan’s blush worsened, and he kept rambling in a panic.
“S-So, that’s all I wanted to tell you. This one read about you in a book, and once he was reborn into this world, he worked very hard to support you and move the plot forward… while keeping himself alive. But it, ah, affected the story too much, it seems. But… t-this one is even happier with this ending than the one he read about in his first life… Do… d-do you have any questions, Yan-ge? C-Can this one clarify anything for His Majesty?”
Yan Heqing remained very quiet. His eyes searched Xiao Yuan’s face, memorizing it carefully.
Learning all this, he felt very lucky that he had managed to marry Xiao Yuan at all, considering how hard Xiao Yuan had been working to introduce Yan Heqing to women he had no interest in.
“Xiao Yuan,” he said finally.
“Hm? Y-Yes?”
"Who are you?"
Xiao Yuan knew how to treat this question from prior experience. "X-Xiao Yuan. The Empress. The... the one Yan-ge likes. His wife."
Yan Heqing nodded almost imperceptibly, as if to agree with him. Then, he continued to speak.
“Xiao Yuan, I am not the Yan Heqing from your History of the Four Kingdoms.”
“Ah, yes! I know! I-It took me a long time to understand… but I understand now. I swear it.” Xiao Yuan took the oath by pointing with his free hand, though his gaze never left Yan Heqing’s. He was frozen in place, brows knitted together as he smiled in a last-ditch effort to keep the atmosphere light. “Xiao Yuan knows that Yan-ge is Yan-ge!”
“Yes. You worked hard.”
“W-What?”
Yan Heqing reached to pat the top of Xiao Yuan’s head gently, carding his fingers through his hair. Xiao Yuan’s hair was thicker than that of Zhou Yu’s, more coarse. The touch felt nice.
“Your praise,” Yan Heqing explained. His eyes went half-lidded, dangerous.
Xiao Yuan giggled trepidatiously. “Oh… I did request that, didn’t I…”
He felt embarrassed, and thus lifted his hand to remove Yan Heqing’s from his head.
Yan Heqing saw the rejection for what it was, and all of the feelings he held inside broke free. As soon as Xiao Yuan touched his wrist, Yan Heqing moved. His hand slid downward to capture Xiao Yuan’s. Then he lifted his other hand, which still held a fierce grip on Xiao Yuan’s own, and used it to push Xiao Yuan to the floor, hovering over him.
The weather was warm, but the atmosphere in the little house suddenly took on an icy chill. It was a grim reminder that despite its appearance, the little house was in what used to be the Northern Kingdom, after all.
The shift in tone caught Xiao Yuan by surprise, at first - but he soon realized that Yan Heqing must have been suffering the whole time he was speaking, and only now did he show it.
“Xiao Yuan. I have one question.” Yan Heqing’s voice grew colder as he spoke each word. “You brought me to this place to explain yourself, yet you do not explain the circumstances that brought it into existence. You were concerned that Yan Heqing would kill you because he hated you, but realized this was not true. You tried to help Yan Heqing meet his… wives, but learned that he did not need them. You should have known by then that your support was all he needed. But, Xiao Yuan, if you were truly trying to support Yan Heqing at that time, then why did I have to build this place to mourn you?”
The floor was hard beneath Xiao Yuan’s head, but Yan Heqing’s gaze was harder. A shiver ran down his spine.
“Why… did you have to die?”
Xiao Yuan considered for a long time, mind racing. He thought that this topic would be far too painful for Yan Heqing to bear, and he wasn’t exactly clamoring to talk about it himself – so he’d avoided it.
But perhaps Yan Heqing was right, and Xiao Yuan had subconsciously brought him to this place in hopes that it would clear the air on this subject, too.
Either way, he owed Yan Heqing an answer.
“I…” He started, and his head rolled to the side. “I felt… that there was no way out. I w-wanted for you to continue living as the Emperor… and both I and the Emperor of the Northern Kingdom had hurt a l-lot of people… so I thought that my death could serve as an apology, and you would be f-free…” He paused, smiling ruefully, as he turned back to face his husband. “I f-failed to consider your feelings in that moment, Yan-ge. I misunderstood h-how… how to truly help you, and left you alone. It is my life’s greatest regret.”
Xiao Yuan had many regrets. He had lost many people, and blamed himself for their being gone. But he spoke honestly when he said that this was the greatest of all of them.
“I will never leave you in that way again.”
He sniffled once around his smile, before he began to cry. All he could do to ease the pain of regret was continue to live, and stay with Yan Heqing.
He had promised this many times, and was no less resolved now than he was at the time they reunited. Xiao Yuan was alive, and this time, he intended to stay alive no matter what - so there was no need for a tomb in this little house, and there was no reason to let Yan Heqing worry anymore.
Gently, Yan Heqing squeezed Xiao Yuan’s hands, and leaned down to kiss him. Their bodies pressed together fully as their lips met over and over, softly caressing one another.
With this, Xiao Yuan had given up nearly all his secrets. As they kissed, he began to feel lighter and lighter, free of the burdens he’d carried all these years. He was glad that Yan Heqing finally knew the truth behind his actions, and he hoped that Yan Heqing could use what he’d said to make peace within himself.
Eventually, they parted. Xiao Yuan’s tears had long dried up, and Yan Heqing had gotten both his fill of Xiao Yuan and the answer to his question.
As they lifted themselves back up, Xiao Yuan said, “Yan-ge, I love you.”
“Mm,” Yan Heqing replied. “Me, too.”
The breeze carried in the scent of the lush greenery that accompanied the spring. The sky was still a lovely blue through the window, and the little house was quaint and quiet and smelled of medicinal herbs.
Xiao Yuan broke into another smile, unable to help himself. He hugged Yan Heqing, then got to his feet, and clung lightly to his arm as they sauntered out into the sunlight. His face was still red and blotchy from crying, but he felt as if he’d been reborn again. All of his burdens were already half-forgotten as they slipped through the gates of the forbidden area.
“By the way,” he started, in a singsong voice. “Did you know, Yan-ge? You could probably tell from when we shared the dream, but this face is exactly the same one I had in my first life. I’m so glad to have it back. Do you like it, too?”
“Mm.”
“We both look handsome in round-collared robes, Yan-ge. I think this face is better suited for it than the other one. And, of course, you would look handsome in anything.”
This time, Yan Heqing said nothing. So, Xiao Yuan continued to run his mouth.
“You know, I was worried you’d interrupt me and ravish me while I was still trying to talk. That’s why I made you promise. Yan-ge, did you have any urge to do that?”
“...Mm.”
"When?" Xiao Yuan was curious.
"The... wives. The powerful men in your stories."
“Aha, Yan-ge, regarding the latter, there really isn't anything to worry about! No powerful man has ever compared to you. As for the former, I know - I am your only wife, and Xiao Yuan is the only one you like. You don't need to make me say it again." He paused to laugh off his embarrassment. "In any case, this means that I made the right choice to prepare our bedchambers for after our talk. Aren’t I so considerate, Yan-ge? You praised me earlier, but now it doesn’t seem like enough, does it?”
Yan Heqing walked in silence for a long moment, before he ventured, “...Bedchambers?”
“You heard correctly. The bedchambers."
Xiao Yuan grinned so hard he squinted, and spun to take both of Yan Heqing’s hands in his own. His white robes were bright against the afternoon. His heart thrummed, but not with nerves.
"Will His Majesty accompany this one?” He asked playfully.
Yan Heqing’s eyes softened, warmed by the light of the sun.