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Tanya sat on her knees, bowing her head in respect for the great Lady–Goddess Delia. The temple was quiet and dark, only illuminated by the moonlight.
She turned her head, checking any entryway, any window, any place where someone could spy on her. Nothing. She was alone.
Good, Tanya thought, I need to be alone for this.
She had waited patiently for nightfall. She sat and watched as the last couple of her sisters fell asleep. It was then that she slipped out of the room and walked her way up to the secluded building. She took mild comfort in how a small patch of trees surrounded it.
And here she was. The candles were lit, the air smelled of cinnamon from the praying sage. She straightened her back, digging her knees into the mat. Taking a deep breath in, she relaxed her shoulders and allowed her environment to ground her.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Silence.
Breathe in–there was a faint wave of warm air that passed through her. Tanya welcomed it.
Breathe out–she closed her eyes. Finally, some peace to calm her racing heart. What happened during the evening was undeniably dangerous, for both her position as Umgadi as well as her life. She breathed in again.
Her mind played a cruel, cruel game with her…as soon as she breathed out, the fresh memory seeped its way back into her consciousness. Her lips tightened.
This was more urgent than she thought. There was no question, she needed answers. And so began her prayer.
"Lady Delia–Goddess of Wisdom," Tanya muttered quietly, "Hear my cry. I seek your Holy guidance…"
The warm air swirled around her body, like a reassuring hug.
"I bare my soul to you, the light that guides me through darkness and despair…"
Though her eyes were closed, Tanya could see every part of her glowing. A familiar comfort. She caught Delia's attention, the Goddess was listening patiently.
"Guide my steady hand to victory. Lead me to the right path…"
A blinding white light began approaching her, and Tanya braced for it. A direct message from Delia! Truly she was blessed. Maybe this would lead her in the right direction.
"Glory to you, glory to your kingdom, glory to…to…"
Tanya lost her words as the light fully engulfed her. There was a sharp ringing that hurt her ears, and then dead silence.
●●●
She moved her fingers, they felt like nothing. She reached and touched her hand, which felt the exact same. She breathed in, and out. It was a normal occurrence to feel numb during worship. After all, Delia's Holy light was more powerful than one could ever imagine. Obviously there would be…minor side effects from exposing yourself to it.
The breathing was what helped her recover. In such a state, it was the only way Tanya could ground herself. The more she breathed, the less numb her body became. And soon, she opened her eyes.
Tanya found herself kneeling on soft grass. She looked around and saw she was surrounded by thousands of trees. Slowly managing to stand on her feet, she limped towards one of the trees and rested her hand against the trunk. Her touch caused the wood to glow a golden color. She could feel Delia's presence in every cell of the tree, so much so that it quickly became overwhelming. Tanya backed off.
A sudden chirp of a nearby bird caught her attention. She looked up and saw it perched up on a branch. It's body carried magnificent blue feathers that shined like the rarest of sapphires. Upon looking closer, she soon found that it's eyes shone a bright white. It chirped at her again.
"Delia…?" Tanya asked hesitantly. Was the Goddess manifesting herself as a bird? For what purpose? Tanya had hoped for a more direct means of communication, like what happened when she was a teenager. She recalled floating in a vast, neverending sky. How a ball of light manifested before her and said her name. It was the closest she'd ever felt to Delia.
The bird cocked its head. She stepped closer to the tree it sat on.
"Goddess Delia! It's me, Tanya…again."
The bird shook its body, ruffling its feathers. A small cloud of doubt began to appear in her mind. Was she even talking to the right deity?
"I…I need your help. I've done something. Something sinful against my own people."
The bird stilled its movement. Curious…
"I…" Tanya paused, taking a deep breath, "...I shared a kiss with Princess Mileena."
She waited with baited breath. Tanya knew she would accept the punishment for breaking her chasity vow, but she still hoped the Goddess would show a tad bit of mercy. Hopefully.
The bird then let out a strange noise, bobbing it's head up and down–almost like it was laughing. Tanya stared blankly at it.
"I…uhm." She stopped herself. How does one even respond to that? Was her own Goddess…laughing at her? She must be speaking with the wrong person. But who else could it be?
The bird stretched out its wings, swooping down towards Tanya. Her eyes followed the blue marvel as it flew around her in circles, before finally speeding off into a dirt pathway that led into the forest. She didn't know why, but Tanya had a sudden urge to follow the strange creature. Its distant whistle only encouraged this urge more. So, without a second thought, she took off after it.
The pathway proved to be much of a nuisance. The twisting, turning, path slowly chipped away at her stamina. Yet she couldn't stop herself, the urge to move onward grew stronger each passing second. Or minute. Or an hour. How long had she been running? Tanya briefly halted and studied her environment. Nothing but millions of trees that reached towards the sun. No bushes, no plants, no other animals. Even the pathway itself hadn't changed.
"Lady Delia?" Tanya called out. A faint chirp in the distance responded. She let out a heavy sigh and continued forth. Where exactly was she taking her?
After what felt like an eternity, Tanya could finally spot the bird near the end of the trail. She sprinted ahead, eager to finally be catching up with the mysterious bird–who she quickly found to be resting on top of a moss-covered boulder. It sat in front of a waterfall. Tanya soon sat down next to the bird, studying the waves cascading down into the bank of cloudy water they sat in front of. She found it uncomfortably odd how there was no sound despite the gigantic size of the waterfall. In fact, everything was uncomfortably quiet. She couldn't help but feel on edge.
Tanya finally looked down at the bird, "Do…do you know where I could find Lady Delia?"
The bird did not answer.
"Please, I seek her help. I truly don't know what to do!"
The bird didn't answer again, instead choosing to peck at its feathers. Tanya almost scowled at how she was being downright ignored for no reason. She jumped off the rock and began walking around where the waterfall stood. If the bird wouldn't talk, then she'll just figure it out herself. Perhaps this was Delia's way of testing her persistence.
She came closer to the falling waters. It shimmered in such a magnificent way, like it was made out of billions of diamonds. It was tempting to reach out and touch it, but a voice in the back of her head strongly disagreed. It was then that she recalled a specific story within the Umgadi's Holy scriptures.
"Fountain of Stars…" Tanya whispered. Of course! How could she forget such a passage? Demons of the Netherrealm foolishly attempted raiding the divine home of Delia and Argus. But when they came upon a brilliant fountain, one that shone like the finest of gems, their greed took hold and they reached out…
Tanya reached down and picked up a small stone that laid on the ground. She observed how–after throwing it at the falling water–the stone immediately turned to dust.
…Just like how those demons had. More specifically their hands had.
The bird suddenly flew to her, landing on her shoulder. Tanya yelped in surprise, shaking her shoulder to try and get it off her. But the bird's claws dug deep, it would not budge.
"What are you doing?!"
The bird leaned its head, pressing it against her cheek. For a moment, Tanya felt unusually warm. And safe. Whatever magic the bird was flowing into her head, it immediately calmed her nerves. Enough to where she found herself lying down on the ground. The bird cooed in her ear. It felt like a gentle whisper, an invitation to let her guard down.
"You are a strange bird…" Tanya murmured, reaching her hand over to the bird's head, gently scratching it with a finger. It squawked at the sudden affection, yet did not move away. In fact, it leaned closer.
"Do you know Lady Delia?" Tanya asked. Maybe now that she's in a more vulnerable state the bird will finally answer her questions. A part of her almost wanted to flinch away, though. There was still a hint of nervousness that made her distrustful of the small creature. Of this whole experience, really. Could she truly trust it?
The bird must have picked up on this, as it cooed softly again in her ear. Immediately her nerves went away. Strange…
"If you won't answer, then why are you here?"
The bird cooed again. A vision soon appeared before her. There was a scene, two figures stood close together on a balcony, gazing up into the night sky. She noticed how their hands then entwined with each other, how the figures soon looked into each other's eyes, how they moved closer and closer together…
…And then the vision faded. Tanya felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.
"How…how did you…?"
The bird didn't respond. It only moved and sat on her chest, staring and staring and staring. How unnerving…
Tanya sighed and leaned her head back again, looking up into the sky. White clouds filled it entirely. She didn't say anything for a while, but it seemed the bird didn't care.
The vision continued repeating in her mind. Each time it became more and more detailed. Each time it began driving her mad. Was this some form of punishment? Some kind of test? But what was the Goddess testing her on? Being truthful with herself? Her sisters? Was she torturing her with the fact that despite her feelings, it will never last? Tanya felt her eyes water, and when she blinked, she felt drops of tears run down her face. She wanted to instinctively wipe them away, yet somehow that damn bird prevented her from doing so. If she focused really hard, she could feel the slightest twinge of magic paralyzing her arms.
"Let…let me go." Tanya hated how her voice cracked. She didn't want to cry. Yet that one thought kept repeating in her head. It will never last. It will never last.
"Please! I want to leave!"
The bird, with its intense eyes, kept her down. Tanya squirmed harshly, blinking several times to try and prevent any further tears. It did not work. She shut her eyes and tried to breathe, but that didn't work either.
"Gods, please! I beg you! I–" Tanya couldn't finish her sentence, interrupting herself with a sob that crawled its way out from her chest.
The bird stayed still. And as her cries became louder, Tanya found the bird's weight oddly comforting. It felt like the only thing saving her from succumbing to all the stress that threatened to crush her. The bird nestled itself, leaning its weight against her more. It moved closer, now resting its full weight on her collarbone.
A thought suddenly came through, the word focus rang all throughout her mind. Her eyes peered down at the creature. It peered back expectedly.
Focus…
Tanya hiccupped from her tears. She gritted her teeth and attempted to breathe. As she did, she could hear a small heartbeat. Quickly she found it wasn't hers. She breathed in again, ignoring how stuffy her nose was. Her lungs felt like the deepest pits of the Netherrealm. She dug her fingers into the dirt.
Breathe in…
And out…
The bird let out a quiet chirp. It encouraged her to continue.
For a while this was all she did. The comforting weight of the bird surprisingly helped a great deal. She tried moving her arms again–to no avail. Tanya sighed.
"How long are you keeping me down, bird? I can't stay here forever."
The bird tilted its head. She sensed it was confused.
"What? What do you want me to do? You already made me cry, what more do you want?"
A quiet voice spoke in the back of her mind, something along the lines of "talk". Tanya raised an eyebrow–was that from the bird? It made sense considering it was the only thing present with her, but how was it doing that? And why was it so damn insistent? Tanya couldn't help but frown.
"All I came here was for some advice–not a free therapy session. Let me go."
It did not. Tanya groaned in frustration. She tried squirming herself free again, but still no luck. What kind of bird…?
Its loud chirp interrupted her thoughts, instead replacing it with one of its own. "You hide, girl. You hide your true emotions."
"I hide from nothing and no one, I bare my entire soul for the Gods to see!"
"And yet you hide," The bird briefly stretched out its wings and shook its body, "I feel a deep passion that ignites your heart. You are not ashamed of your blossoming love affair with Mileena."
"Wh…I–!"
"Every part of you yearns for her."
Tanya clamped her mouth shut. She didn't know how to respond to that. Most importantly, she didn't want to admit anything she'd regret.
The bird pecked and prodded at its feathers once more, "What brought you here, then? If you already feel so strongly for your actions, then why seek the Lady's hand? For what purpose, other than perhaps…seeking punishment?"
Tanya chose not to answer. The bird cocked its head.
"Have you come here seeking punishment for what you perceive as a sin?"
"It…it is! It goes against my vows! By letting myself be carried away, I've shown Delia that I easily succumb to the throes of lust!"
The bird shook its head, "How sad it is to see, the Matron Superiors poison your minds with such vapid ideas."
"What do you mean by that?" Tanya snapped. To her frustration, the bird moved on.
"I believe you're afraid."
"Tsk. Forgive me for wanting to repent." Tanya replied dryly.
"For one to do so, they must truly believe in their wrongdoing. You do not."
Tanya huffed in irritation, "Of course I do! I wouldn't have come here if I didn't feel at least a level of shame."
"Yet you do not."
At this point Tanya was more than ready to wake up from her deep meditation. She was getting nowhere with this damn creature, who was eyeing her like some observant hawk. Tanya turned her head away from its powerful stare. Yet she could still feel those white eyes burning into her skin. Picking, prodding…
"You come here because you're afraid. The kiss you shared with Mileena didn't represent you committing sin–it represented the gnawing fear that has chewed at you for many, many years. You're afraid of bringing shame to the Umgadi."
Tanya stilled for a moment. Slowly, she turned and looked at the bird once again. It leered at her with unrelenting eyes.
"All your life, they have made you feel like you could never interact with these emotions. That you are above them. You are Holier than them. But since you've met Mileena, your desires and obligations are at an impasse."
Tanya hated how fast her heart was racing.
"I'm…I'm doing what's expected of me. Isn't that what Delia wants from me?"
The bird hesitated, she sensed that it was thinking of a response.
"What is it that you truly want?"
"That doesn't answer my question," answered Tanya sharply, "Why would Delia preach for us to be celibate, if she did not want us to follow through?"
"That is a question the Umgadi will have to solve themselves."
"Awfully convenient for you, eh?"
She yelped when the bird pecked at her neck. Tanya retaliated by trying–and failing–to throw it off by thrusting her chest upwards. Gods! This magic was starting to really piss her off.
"There's a fine line in which we can interfere. I've told you more than enough."
Tanya shot a glare, "How very gracious of you."
"Mind yourself, Umgadi. You're still on Holy grounds. Didn't your sisters teach you manners?"
Tanya never wanted anything more than to spit in this bird's face. She pressed her lips together tightly. It was a tempting thought, but the bird was right. No matter how much she hated to admit it.
"...My apologies." said Tanya through gritted teeth. The bird seemed satisfied with the response.
"So much conflict within a single soul. You're in love yet you cry out for punishment."
Tanya refused to look into its eyes.
"Are you ashamed of loving Mileena?"
Her face immediately dropped.
"What? No!"
"Ah, and the truth reveals itself! Your heart–it burns with the brightest of flames. Such passion…and you fear it."
"I fear nothing! I…I'm just extremely confused with these…these thoughts. These urges. That's why I have come here. If anyone knows how to deal with these urges, it would be–"
"With yourself. Delia can only do so much. There is a limit to how much Gods can interfere."
"But–"
"But her light is still within you. In this case, her words cannot guide you…but light that which she gifted you can."
Tanya's eyes squinted in confusion. The Goddess's light?
"Look within the memory of your night with Mileena. Focus on the scene. You will see it."
Her head was filled with thousands of questions. A sudden, terrible headache made her wince. Yet for some reason, some damn reason, she still chose to follow the bird's command. The bastard with its blasted spells. Tanya sensed an urge for her to close her eyes, she had no choice but to follow its command.
The memory soon appeared before her. Although this time she stood in the Princess's bedroom. Tanya looked around: Mileena's mirrored dresser–with different pallets of eye-makeup scattered on the top, along with bottles of perfume; her king-sized bed–with purple and magenta blankets, and a mountain of stuffed animal toys surrounding her pillows. Mileena's tea table, sitting near her large bookcase, brought a calming aroma that filled the air. Tanya couldn't lie--she loved being in her room. It was a safe haven from all the busy chaos of their royal duties. She walked around the room, gazing on every toy, every piece of jewelry, every little trinket she happened to come across. Tanya smiled as she slid her hand across the thick leatherback books while walking past the bookshelf. Mileena was always serious about her studies, something she greatly admired. It was one of many things they had in common.
When she sat down on the large bed, Tanya wanted more than anything to just lie down on the soft mattress. That was another thing they had in common–they both loved soft beds. Unfortunately for her, she had to make due with the hard mattress she had back in the dormitories she shared with her sisters. At least Mileena was always so gracious in asking if Tanya wanted to rest temporarily on it. Truthfully, her deepest desires craved for nothing more than the comforting warmth of Mileena–hugging her close while they laid together…
…In the name of Delia, what was she talking about?! Tanya slouched over, putting her face into her hands. This was exactly WHY she was begging for Delia! How could she honor her sisters, the royal family, her home–all while courting the future Empress? This was all so humiliating, and she resented the bird for making her relive this specific night. She tightened her hands into fists, before pushing herself off the bed. She did her best ignoring how the whole room now smelled of Mileena. But every part of the room undeniably bared her presence. Tanya could see each and every memory she shared with Mileena, all in different spots of her room.
The tea table, where they shared late-night tea. Mileena would brew her favorite kind. Tanya recalled how Mileena's gentle eyes always lingered on her as they drank.
The dresser, where Tanya watched Mileena apply her makeup for a dinner event. She told Mileena that she could wait outside, yet the Princess insisted Tanya stay just a bit longer. Just until she was done preparing.
And finally, the balcony. The spot she dreaded most. Tanya stepped closer to the balcony door. Step. By. Step. She wanted to take her time. She remembered how Mileena asked if she could join her for star-gazing. Tanya still couldn't understand why she said yes. She remembered how nervous she was deep down–how she constantly looked around for any peeping eyes. Yet Mileena's calming voice dulled her paranoia, and soon she found herself telling the Princess about different constellations she learned from her sisters.
Tanya remembered their nightly conversations out on the balcony. Where she learned that Mileena enjoyed reading romance novels, more specifically a romance series she'd been following for one thousand years. Mileena loves dark chocolate and the summer heat. Her secret hobby is researching tea leaves that grow near the mountains. She and Kitana both had crushes on a famous musician when they were children (and yes, they did fight over him). She remembered when Mileena opened up about her insecurities: feeling that she was unworthy of being Empress; worried that she'd disappoint her family; the crushing heaviness of expectations that laid on her shoulders. Tanya empathized with the feeling, because she felt it too.
Now she stood in front of the balcony door. Her palm was sweaty as she gripped onto the doorknob, slowly turning it open. There was a cool breeze, just like that night. Such a vivid memory…what kind of magic was this? Tanya couldn't answer, because what she saw made her stop dead in her tracks.
It was…herself. Herself and Mileena, standing in the same position as they had that night. Mileena's hands were tangled in hers. They both spoke in soft whispers, soft enough to where she could barely hear.
Do not fret, they do not see you. This is a memory, after all.
Oh great, now it was talking in her head. Tanya carefully approached. Soon she stood a couple feet away from them, close enough to finally hear their words.
"...I'm afraid of telling you my feelings, Tanya." said Mileena.
She saw herself smile wide, "Whatever for? I may serve you and your family, but I am also your friend. You can tell me whatever is on your–"
"I love you!"
A stillness settled in the air. Tanya remembered how her heart stopped when she heard those words. She remembered how it felt like the air was sucked out of her lungs. She leaned against a small table behind her.
"Tanya, wait…before you leave, please just let me explain!" Mileena's voice quivered slightly. She was scared. She remembered how tightly Mileena began holding her hands.
"I…I understand that you cannot reciprocate. I am aware of your oath. And…and I don't ever want to cross your boundaries. But I can't hold this secret any longer, it would kill me if I had to."
Mileena stepped closer, "I'm in love with you. Madly in love. The time we've spent together, learning about one another…I have never felt so latched onto someone."
Dead silence.
Mileena cleared her throat. Tanya remembered noticing her eyes becoming glossy. She was on the verge of tears. Mileena inhaled a shaky breath before leaning her head against Tanya's shoulder.
"I want to feel relieved that I finally told you…but honestly all I feel is pain."
Tanya swallowed the lump in the back of her throat, "Pain?"
Mileena nodded, "I want you so badly. And it pains me that I can't have you."
At the time, she couldn't explain why she did what she did. All she remembered was an overwhelming urge to comfort her. To hold her. And hold her she did–Tanya watched as she hugged Mileena close, now noticing the shocked look on Mileena’s face. Mileena’s body began to shake. She remembered feeling tears on her shoulder. Her dear Princess hiccupped as she began to cry. Tanya placed her hand on the back of Mileena's head, stroking her hair.
Tanya looked away from the scene. She
couldn't bear to look any longer. The sounds of Mileena crying was too much for her heart to take.
…Until she caught something in the corner of her eye. A light? Where was it coming from? She turned to look, her stomach immediately dropping at the sight. Bright yellow orbs of light beamed from within Tanya's chest, glowing strong when she cupped Mileena's face and looked into her eyes.
She remembered…Mileena's bloodshot eyes, tears still streaming down her cheeks. She used her thumb to wipe them away. Mileena looked terrified, but there was still a glimmer of hope in her eyes. Tanya leaned closer before she could think. The light was stronger now–bright enough to rival the sun itself.
The words came out before her brain could even process them, "I'm in love with you too."
"What is this light? Why am I seeing it now?" Tanya asked as she blocked the rays of light with her hand.
It's Delia's gift to you. One you received after risking your life to save your eldest sister, Rhena.
Tanya whipped her head around, trying to find where it's voice could be coming from.
"H-how did she…? Delia…" she couldn't finish her sentence. She looked back at the scene.
There she stood, balls of light–Delia's Holy light–circling around her. If she focused closer, it almost looked as if it were pushing her towards Mileena. Closer and closer and closer–
She remembered the feel of Mileena's lips. Soft, gentle, warm, loving. They tasted sweet because of her favorite lip balm. She remembered how it felt when Mileena pulled away temporarily, giggling with elation, before kissing her again, wrapping her arms around Tanya. Tanya could feel Mileena's back as she pulled her in closer–Gods, how she craved to just melt into her beloved Princess. It was as if every memory she shared with Mileena, it all came crashing into her mind all at once. And she loved it. She…
Tanya watched as the light grew brighter and brighter, threatening to engulf the entire scene. She gripped her chest, desperate to feel her heartbeat. It was pounding like no other, beating proudly for this newfound love. Love…
Yes. Tanya could feel it now. Delia's presence was near. She sensed her guiding hand manifesting into the orbs of light, carefully pushing Tanya closer towards a future she had only secretly dreamed of.
And it felt right. It no longer felt regrettable. It no longer felt shameful. No, Tanya's heart…it beated red blood that flowed for such a powerful love. And she would do anything to protect it.
But is this really what Delia would want her to do?
An orb halted its movement. In a flash of a second it sprinted in front of her. It circled around her once, then twice, then playfully shoving itself against her back, making her stumble. Tanya caught herself swiftly before realizing she now stood in front of Mileena.
She smiled. Well, if Delia is encouraging her to follow her heart, who would she be to deny her Goddess?
"I know you can't hear me, but I want to promise you something." said Tanya to an occupied Mileena.
She placed her fist on her heart, "From here on out, I promise to never feel ashamed for loving you. We…Obviously we'll have to hide, but know that I want nothing more than to grow our relationship into something–"
Why don't you tell her all this in person?
The scene promptly ended, and Tanya found herself back near the waterfall. The bird flew down and sat on her chest. She scowled at it.
"I was in the middle of talking!"
"You can tell her all that when you wake up. Right now I must escort you back. The sun has risen for you."
Tanya let out a sigh and sat up. Thank the Gods it finally let up on its magic! She stretched her arms and back, it felt so good no longer being paralyzed. She stood up just as the bird flapped its great wings, taking off into the trees. Tanya followed the blue bird back through the long forest path.
●●●
"Tanya? Hey, Tanya! Wake up!"
A hand shook her awake. Tanya jolted up and looked to see her fellow sister, Khameleon, staring down with her expressionless white eyes.
"Are you alright? I found you passed out on your mat."
"Ah…yes! Yes I'm fine," Tanya nodded and cleared her throat, "I just…I woke up early. And I decided to worship early."
Khameleon chuckled, "You always love staying one step ahead of us, huh? You must have woken up too early, I rarely find you sleeping in here."
"Hah, yes I suppose I did."
Her sister patted her shoulder, then walked ahead to re-light the sage before sitting down on her own mat. It didn't take long for her other sisters to come by for worship–their quiet mumbling soon filled the room. She overheard one of them whispering about a bird she saw in her dreams.
"What do you think it was? I've never seen it before."
"Obviously it's Samsare! Don't you remember? One of the main guardians for the Living Forest? Delia's messenger? Come on sister, we learned this as children!
"I'm tired, okay? Can't expect me to remember everything at five in the morning..."
Tanya was tempted to remind them to keep their voices down during worship hours, but honestly, it could wait. Everything could wait, in fact. She sat on her knees again, looking up at the regal statue of the Holy Lady. It was comforting to know that Delia's light would still guide her, even if she herself could not.
Taking a deep breath in, Tanya closed her eyes and wondered when would be a good opportunity to visit her Princess. Mileena was often walking around the castle grounds during the afternoon. Perhaps if they were fast enough, Tanya could say her promise. Or…better yet, she could do it at night?
A sudden warmth filled her chest at the thought. She smiled.
Very well then, nightfall would be a safer option anyways.