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Ezra watched in the shadowed lantern light as a calloused finger languidly traced circles on the palm of his hand. He could feel the warm breath on his neck and longed to stay in the comfortable bed, in the snug and secure embrace. He sighed softly. He knew that was impossible. He started to shift, rolling onto his back as the finger stopped tracing his palm. Instead, fingers laced with his, and he found himself mirroring the action. Hands clasped tightly as he adjusted so he could look up into the clear blue eyes watching him.
“We can’t keep doing this.” Ezra hated the words even as he knew he had to say them. He hated the expression that washed over the face that he loved so much.
Instead of pulling away, Vin smiled sadly and slid his arm under Ezra’s neck, pulling him closer. The other arm across Ezra’s chest, he didn’t let go of the hand he held. “You keep saying that.” he nuzzled the Southerner’s neck, soft kisses making Ezra shiver. “Every. Time.”
“I never claimed to be a strong man.”
Ezra felt resigned. Sad. Vin shook his head and leaned in, kissing Ezra. Softly but deeply, his feelings relayed clearly. The kiss was returned with equal passion for a moment and then Ezra pulled back, turning his head. He tried to pull away but Tanner didn’t release him.
“Vin.”
“Just a few minutes more, Ez.” The whisper begged and as usual, Ezra couldn’t resist. He rested in Vin’s arms, a comfortable silence enveloping him. When he started to doze, he finally shook himself and pulled away again. Vin released him this time and flopped over onto his back. Pulling the covers further up over his naked body. He clasped his hands behind his head and watched as Ezra climbed slowly out of bed.
“You should leave it,” Vin commented when Ezra reached for his nightshirt.
Ezra shook his head. “Sun will be up momentarily.” He gazed down at the bed, but he didn’t make eye contact. “No one can see you leave.”
Vin flipped the covers back, Ezra recognized the anger as Tanner grabbed for his pants. “Fine.”
“Please don’t be that way.” Ezra pulled the nightshirt over his head. He’d get dressed after Vin left.
“And what way is that? Pissed that yer tossing me out like a two-bit whore?”
“Stop.” It was a whisper.
“Maybe yer right after all.” Vin buttoned his shirt aggressively and reached for his boots. “You know if this is the way you really feel and all. This ain’t what I want.”
Ezra let him go on but even in the dim light, Vin's words hit like physical blows. Ezra knew he was just lashing out. Vin didn’t understand how afraid Ezra was and he obviously couldn’t temper his anger anymore. They’d had the same conversation over and over. Vin still thought they deserved to be together regardless of what others might think on the matter.
Standing, Vin grabbed his buckskin jacket from the floor where he’d dropped it in his hurry to undress.
“You know what will happen if anyone finds out.” Ezra’s voice shook.
Stepping closer Vin shook his head. “You don’t know, not for sure. You just don’t think we’re worth it. That I’m worth it.”
Ezra’s head snapped up. “That’s not true.”
“No?” Vin moved so that he was mere inches from Ezra, nose to nose. “Way I see it, you just want the fuckin’, Ez. Yer too selfish for anything else, too damaged to be able to feel anything for anyone else.” Standish felt himself tremble now but Vin was too angry, too heartbroken to care. He reached up and grabbed Ezra’s face, pulling him forward and kissing him hard and aggressively. Off balance, Ezra flinched scrambling at Vin’s chest for purchase. Tanner waited until Ezra got ahold of his shirt and started to kiss him back and then cruelly pushed him away, causing him to stumble for balance.
Ezra's eyes felt sticky and hot as he watched Vin wipe the back of his hand across his mouth and glared menacingly. “Way I see it.” He moved around Ezra and grabbed for the door. “You're too much of a coward to face how you really feel. When…If you ever decide I’m worth it,” Ezra didn’t turn around to look at him.
“Maybe I’ll be here waiting for ya or you know…maybe I won’t.” The door opened. “You got your wish though. We’re done.” He growled as he left. managing not to slam the door in his wake.
Ezra sank down, missing the bed and ending up on the floor. Vin was right. He was a coward. He was damaged. He didn’t deserve for Vin to wait for him. He’d never be able to express how he felt.
He leaned against the bed, his strength gone. He’d been here before. He’d loved like this before, he remembered. A decade ago when he was young and full of wild hope and reckless abandonment. He hadn’t cared what the world thought about him. He would not be told by anyone who he could love or who he couldn’t. Ezra swallowed back a sob, burying his face in the blankets, trying not to remember the night they’d been caught. His beautiful lover and him, together. Just holding hands, that was all. That was all it took.
Ezra shook his head and pushed the memories away. “No,” he said out loud as he climbed to his feet. He would not let that happen to Vin. Despite how much he felt for the man, or that this was the first time he’d allowed himself to love this deeply since Danny, he would not put either of them in that situation. If it meant he lived in misery with Tanner hating him then so be it. A coward he was. A coward he’d always be, but he’d be living, and most importantly, Vin would stay alive.
********************************************
By the time Ezra had pulled himself together, washed up, and taken care to dress for the day, the sun was high in the morning sky and he could hear the town bustling below his window. Donning his hat, he took a deep breath to push his emotions into place one more time before he headed down to the saloon.
To Ezra’s relief, the establishment was still relatively deserted. He helped himself to the coffee behind the bar, noting his hand still shook. Ignoring it, he took his mug and settled at his normal table. Inez greeted him shortly thereafter, bringing a plate of biscuits and eggs, his morning staple. “Thank you, Dear.” He tried to sound normal.
“Are you alright this morning?” Inez questioned him anyway, her astute eyes studying him.
He forced himself to smile and push his emotions down a little deeper. “Of course.” He motioned toward the swinging doors. “The sun is shining, the town is waking. What could possibly be amiss?” Inez lingered a moment, her eyes not wavering from his before she nodded once.
“Is there anything else you need?”
Ezra shook his head. “This is sufficient,” he picked up his fork. “And delicious as always, I am certain.” Inez smiled, finally, and returned to the bar.
He was pushing his eggs around on his plate, trying to scrounge up an appetite when Buck and JD clamored into the place. Chris sauntered in behind them.
“Morning, Ezra!” JD waved with one hand as he took a plate of biscuits and gravy Inez had prepared and ready for him. He accepted the glass of milk with a grin.
“Thanks”
“Good Morning, Mr. Dunne. Mr. Wilmington and Mr. Larabee.” Ezra nodded to them. He hoped they’d find another table but to his astonishment, they settled at his instead. All three had plates of breakfast, catered to their preferences. Ezra glanced at Inez, awed at her ability to predict them all accurately.
“How’s it?” Buck mumbled, his mouth full.
Ezra wasn’t sure who he was speaking to, so he focused on his plate.
“Good,” Chris answered. “Thought you had patrol this morning.” He waved his fork at Buck.
“Vin took it.” Buck swallowed and cleared his throat before continuing. “Said he needed to ride. Was kind of insistent about the whole thing. So I said sure.” He grinned at them. “I was up late with Ms. Dorothy anyways.”
Ezra didn’t hear anything further. He felt Larabee’s gaze on him and looked up. Chris was eyeing him intently. Did Chris know? Fear tickled his gut. Panic rising. He tried to control his expression.
“He say if something happened?” Chris interrupted Buck’s sordid tale but he still watched Ezra.
Buck shook his head. “Nope. Just said he needed to get out of here.” He stabbed at the sausage on his plate, picking it up whole instead of cutting it into smaller pieces. “Why?” He took a giant bite.
Ezra couldn’t stay here, he realized. Everything was too raw. He needed time. “Pardon me, gentleman.” He stood and downed his coffee before heading toward the doors. He stopped for a moment when he stepped outside and glanced around the town that had come to feel like home to him. He’d never really had that before and it frightened him to think he could lose it all with one reckless move. Sighing, he adjusted his hat and headed toward the livery.
Inside he made his way to his steed and patted the beast lightly. “Hey there.” He greeted. He watched the horse as it bobbed its head in greeting and then nudged at Ezra’s shoulder. “Yeah, I know.” Ezra leaned in and let the horse support him. “What am I going to do?” he whispered, staying there a moment before shaking himself off and reaching for a brush. He knew the livery boys had taken care of the animal earlier but he found comfort in going through the same routine.
Intent in his task, distracted by his thoughts, Ezra never heard Larabee approach. “Trouble in paradise?”
Ezra spun, startled, and engaged his derringer.
“Shit!” Chris jumped back, hands in the air. “It’s just me.”
Quickly, Ezra tucked the gun away. “Apologies.” He looked up at Chris. “Not a wise idea to startle a man like that.”
Chris nodded. “You’re ignoring my question.”
Ezra was frozen in place. He’d been so careful. Where had he gone wrong?
Larabee stepped closer. He shook his head and patted Ezra’s horse. “Vin told me.”
Ezra’s legs gave out. He would have hit the floor if Chris hadn’t moved fast. Chris caught him and shoved him back onto a bale of hay. “Geez, Ezra.”
Ezra couldn’t hear him. Vin had told Chris. He knew Vin and Chris were close, but God damn it. Vin. He felt the shakes start. He tried to control them. To hide them. “When do I need to be gone?” He asked softly, just managing to keep his voice even.
“What?” Chris crouched in front of him. “What did you just say?” He looked shocked. His eyes searched Ezra’s face.
Ezra’s eyes met his for only a moment then he looked away again. Clearing his throat, he tried to stand but Chris pushed him back down. “I know how this goes,” he admitted. “I have two options. I leave immediately, or you kill me.”
“You ain’t going anywhere, Ezra.” Chris stood back up, clearly angry. Of course, he was.
Ezra nodded, accepting what was to come. He started to shrug out of his coat. He’d take his weapons off. He knew he wouldn’t fight it this time. He couldn’t. Maybe years ago, after Danny, there’d been a time when he would have fought back. He’d have used his fists, his weapons, his teeth, whatever it took. But these men were his friends. They’d become family. He’d thought. He couldn’t hurt them back. He didn’t have any fight left. Not for this battle. Not anymore. Not with them. Vin had made it clear that he was done with Ezra. He exhaled a long breath and met Larabee’s confused gaze again. He fumbled with the derringer rigging now, working on the buckle. “Just, please don’t hurt Vin.” Ezra knew he sounded pathetic, pleading, but he needed to do this. “Please.” His voice fell to a whisper.
He held Larabee’s gaze, waiting to see if Chris would agree. He watched emotions roll through Larabee. Surprise, shock, something he couldn’t identify, and finally, anger. There it was. The only sound between them was breathing until finally Chris was a blur of action. “Oh my God, Ezra.” Chris grabbed him and hauled him to his feet. Ezra tensed, waiting for the first blow when he was pulled roughly into a hard hug instead. Confused, he tried to pull away.
“Stop it. Just listen.” Chris whispered in his ear, not releasing him. “You are safe here, Standish. He paused, still holding tight as Ezra struggled. “Do you hear me? You are safe. Vin is safe. Good,God how could you think otherwise?” He didn’t let Ezra go. His hand moved to the back of Ezra’s head. Holding him until Ezra stilled. He just kept repeating. “Yer safe.”
Fear, confusion, hurt, pain, exhaustion, it all bombarded Ezra as he listened to Chris’ voice. He didn’t understand. “You don’t know, not for sure.” He pulled away again and Chris let him go, pushing him back down onto the bale of hay. He squatted in front of Ezra.
“How could you think I would…”
Ezra snorted. “Please,” he interrupted. “I know you’re not that naive on these matters.” Ezra closed his eyes and leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Hoping it would hide his trembling. ‘Coward,’ he inwardly cursed himself.
“I’m not naive, Ezra.” Chris protested. “I understand some people don’t approve, but…”
Ezra stood up, unable to hear anymore. He may not have any fight left for himself, but he’d protect Vin at all costs. “Have you seen what they do to someone like me? Like Vin?” He picked up his weapons as Chris stood. “I’m not letting that happen again. Not to him.” He cursed the tremor in his voice. “If that means I’m deemed a coward, or I have to leave town or you feel you need to shoot me or whatever needs to be done,” he stepped closer to Chris, “It will not happen to him.”
**************************************
It was after dark when Vin rode back into town. The ride on patrol had helped him settle some of his anger but he still simmered. The town seemed calm save for the noisy saloon, as he stopped in front of the livery and dismounted. The livery boy immediately took over and steered the horse inside. Vin turned to find Larabee waiting for him.
“Hey, Cowboy.”
“Good ride?” Chris lit a cheroot and waited.
“Fine.” Tanner knew there was more.
“Need to talk.”
“Could tell. What about?”
“Not here.” Chris turned and Vin fell into step beside him. There was no urgency in Larabee’s step, but Vin could tell something was bothering him. The shops were closed for the night but the saloon was alight with noise. Neither of them glanced inside as they passed by. They reached the jailhouse, and Chris quickly checked it was deserted. “We can talk here.” A small lantern lit the room with shadows and light.
Vin entered and tossed his hat on the desk. He crossed his arms and leaned back against the bars of one of the cells. He didn’t need to sit.
Chris leaned on the corner of the desk and took off his hat. Vin watched him concentrate on his cigar amount before speaking. “Want to tell me what’s going on between you and Ezra?”
Vin shrugged. “Not much anymore.” At Chris’ raised eyebrow, he went on. “Same old thing. I’m done with him telling me we can’t do what we want. Tired of him being scared and too much of a coward to do anything about it.”
“Is that what you really think?”
“It’s not like he denies it, Chris.” Vin glared. “What business is it of yours?”
“First,” Chris stood. “You told me. You vented how frustrated you were about him being so stubborn about everything.”
Vin scoffed, but Chris continued. “Second, I’d really like to know why, when he found out I knew about the two of you, his first reaction was to ask if he had to leave town or if I was going to kill him. And,” he raised a hand before Vin could speak. “Thirdly, I’d like to know why when I said he wasn’t going to go anywhere, he stripped all of his weapons off, stood in front of me, trembling and defenseless, and merely begged that I not hurt you?”
“He what?” Vin swallowed the sudden lump in his throat. He pushed off the bars. “He actually thinks I can’t defend myself?”
“Vin.” Chris stepped in front of him. “Think about what I just told ya.”
Vin couldn’t think. He was furious that Ezra thought he needed to be defended. Did Ezra think he was some damsel in distress or…Larabee’s words replayed in his mind again. “He stripped all of his weapons off, stood in front of me, trembling and defenseless…”
“He wasn’t going to defend himself.” Vin met Chris’ gaze.
“No.”
Closing his eyes, Vin could only hear himself spitting harsh, angry words at Ezra. Calling him a coward. Telling him he was selfish and damaged. Telling him they were done. “I don’t understand.” He admitted. He looked at Chris, searching for answers.
Larabee shrugged. “He’s not afraid for himself, Vin, not really. If he was he wouldn’t wear what he wears or be so unapologetic about being who he is.” He let that sink in a moment before he went on. “He’s afraid for you.”
***********************************
The saloon was crowded and busy. A mild night, bringing out the hungry, thirsty, and bored. Ezra watched from his seat in the corner, not his normal table. He knew he wasn’t up for a game tonight. His mind was still racing from his exchange with Larabee. Unconsciously, he shuffled a deck of cards from one hand to the other, repeating the motion, letting it calm him. He still wasn’t convinced he didn’t need to leave town. His gut clenched. That was the last thing he wanted to do…but he’d do it if that was what it took. His mind played through his conversation with Chris, still stunned at the gunslinger’s insistence that he was safe. Was he? What about the others? Would they actually stand by him? They barely tolerated his gambling most days, what made Larabee or Vin think they’d be accepting of who he chose to love?
“Evening, Ezra.” He looked up to see Josiah had joined him. He’d never seen the larger man approach or heard him pull out his chair. He was in dangerous territory, and he needed to get his wits together.
“No game tonight?”
Ezra shook his head and smiled. “Slim pickings.”
“Seems like there’d be a profit somewhere in this crowd.” Josiah scanned the room quickly before refocusing on Standish. “Feeling alright?”
Chuckling, Ezra shook his head. “Right as rain.” He ran his tongue over his lower lip, then nodded to a cluster of ranch hands who’d wandered in. “They’re not local.” He pointed out.
Josiah kept his observations casual as he glanced around again. “Ah, yeah, the Kepler ranch is hiring. Old man Kepler got himself a whole handful of new hands coming in from all over the place. Hiring more still, I heard.”
“Hmm,” Ezra’s eyes flitted to the door as more men strode into the room. It was getting stuffy in the small room and the noise level had gone up. “Think there will be trouble?”
Josiah laughed softly. “Isn’t there always?”
Laughter erupted from the other side of the room. Ezra felt like his head was pounding in time with his heartbeat.
“Are you sure you’re okay? You look paler than a fresh snowfall.” Sanchez leaned closer and pointed to the now-still deck of cards. “You stopped shuffling.”
“What? No, it’s fine. I am just finding myself weary this evening, Mr. Sanchez.” Ezra’s eyes met Josiah’s briefly before he scanned the room again and absently rubbed his forehead. He needed to get out. “I think maybe I’ll take advantage of the evening’s spring air.” He nodded to Sanchez and managed to get to his feet. He felt dizzy from the onslaught of noise around him. He knew Josiah was watching him as he threaded through the crowd. He didn’t look back, instead pushed through the batwing doors and stepped out into the night.
For as loud and chaotic as it was inside the saloon, the town itself was calm and still. Street fires burned low. No one seemed to be out or about. He knew that Buck and JD had decided to ride the night patrol together. Nathan had mentioned something about turning in early after a rough day out at the Patterson homestead helping Mrs. Patterson deliver her fourth baby. He didn’t know where Vin was and tried not to care. From the light reflecting in the jailhouse window, he figured Chris was hanging out in there. The air was as fresh as it got in this town, and the cool breeze helped him recover a bit from the nausea that had been overwhelming him inside. Sighing deeply, he turned and made his way along the boardwalk with no destination in mind. Distractedly, he paid no attention to his surroundings and was caught completely off guard when he stepped off the boardwalk to cross the alleyway, and a hand wrapped around his face, clamping over his mouth as he was dragged back into the darkness.
There was no time to react as another set of hands quickly grabbed his arms and wrenched them back, grasping his wrists, they twisted them up towards the middle of his back. His shoulder popped audibly as he began to struggle.
“You best keep still.” The low growl froze him and threw him back in time, ten years.
This wasn’t possible.
He felt his weapons being stripped away as they shoved him face-first into the side of the building, knocking his head hard against the rough wood. They were no longer covering his mouth but he was too physically stunned to speak. He had to be dreaming.
“Turn him, Clint. I want to see him and make sure I’m not wrong.”
Pulled away from the building, Clint turned him without letting up on his arms.
“Pretty sure you ain’t.” Ezra tried to shake his head to clear the nightmare, attempting through the agony in his shoulder to twist out of the harsh grasp again, but the grip only tightened.
Forced over by the angle his arms were held, he could only see the feet of the man in front of him—ordinary black boots. A hand grabbed his face, this time holding his chin and pulling him upright. In the darkness of the alley, he could only see the reflection of the dark eyes of the man in front of him. But the voice was one that had haunted his dreams for a decade.
“Well. Well. Well. I thought that was you.” The grip on his face let go, and an open hand slapped lightly at his cheek. “Imagine my surprise to see you here. Figured you’d be dead by now. You got even prettier the older you got, didn’t ya?”
“Go to hell.” Ezra hissed.
“Oh no,” the man laughed and poked Ezra in the chest. “That’s where I’m sending you.” He looked over Ezra’s shoulder at Clint, holding him from behind. “I ever tell you about this one?”
“Not sure, H.”
“Oh, he was a beauty. He was so young and fresh-faced.” A finger traced the line of Ezra’s jaw, and when he tried to pull away he was rewarded by a fist. He knew it was coming sooner or later, but the force of it took him to his knees.
“Get him back up.” Another strike, but his captor held him up this time. “His friend was older, larger, and lord did he put up a fight.”
“Shut up about him.” Ezra spit blood from his mouth.
“Ooh, tough guy. Did I tell you this one ran away?” Another strike, this time to his midsection. “Ran like a coward and left his lover to me.” He laughed harshly when Ezra tried in vain to lunge at him.
Ezra choked when his arms were pushed higher, bending him over again. His attacker kneed him in the chest. He went to his knees again, his arms released. The man behind him kicked him in the back. Someone grabbed him by his hair. He wondered when he’d lost his hat, and pulled him back up. He felt hot, rank breath on his face. “You’re not going to run this time, you bastard.” Another blow. The ghost before him wavered. “Do you have yourself another man?” He was pulled back up. “Is he as protective as the other one?” A fist connected again, and it drove him into the ground again. Another harsh laugh. “I guess not.” The kicking started.
A weak scream escaped when they stomped on his leg. Then, his knee. They kicked his ribs and stomped on his back again. Hands scrambled in the dirt as he tried to crawl away from the onslaught.
“Where exactly do you think you can go now, sissy boy?” Something hit his head.
“Vin,” he choked out a whisper as another blow sent him into merciful blackness.
********************************************
Vin left Chris in the jailhouse. He needed to think. He was still confused about Ezra. How did things get so damn complicated? He didn’t understand Ezra at all sometimes. It wasn’t like Vin wanted him to flaunt their relationship in front of everyone. He just wanted them to have one. A real one. Not the random encounters they had now. Why couldn’t Ezra just trust him and the others?
A scuffling noise caught his attention, and instinctively, he headed toward the closest alley. There were enough strangers in town tonight to warrant checking out anything suspicious.
It took him a minute to figure out what he was seeing. Two men, beating on a third. He heard the larger of the men taunt the man scrambling in the dirt. “Where exactly do you think you can go now, sissy boy?” He raised his foot and stomped on the man’s head just as Vin heard his name whispered out like a breath.
His mare’s leg was out and raised without even thinking. “You’re gonna stop and move away from him now.” He hissed low and clear.
The two men paused. The smaller of the two chuckled. “Or what?”
Vin fired. The shot killed the man instantly, throwing his body back and deeper into the alley.
He chambered another round. “You’re next.” he pointed the weapon at the other man, still standing above Ezra. Vin’s eyes flicked between the two. Watching to make sure Ezra’s assailant didn’t move and praying that Ezra would. He could hear running footsteps now. Chris was coming. Maybe others.
“Easy now.” The big guy chuckled and took a small step away from Ezra. Not far enough. “Don’t think you have a good handle on the situation here.” He motioned to Ezra’s unconscious form but put his hands back in the air as Chris rounded the corner, guns drawn. “Just trying to help your town out, you know. Kind of take out the trash so to speak.”
Vin took a step closer.
The stranger’s eyes widened. He looked down at Ezra and then back up at Vin and Chris. “He ain’t nothing worth worrying about.” He tried again. “Had a run-in with him a good decade ago, now.”
“You should stop talking,” Vin warned.
“Now, just let me explain. The man’s not right. You know? Caught him back then with another man. Can you believe it?” He shook his head. “This one got away, but the other one didn’t.” He laughed. “Nope. Imagine the good fortune of finding this one again. Just thought I’d do y’all a favor that’s all. I’m sure you can…”
Vin fired, taking half the man’s head off.
Chris was already in motion. “Get Nathan,” he yelled.
“What’s going on?” Josiah came running around the corner. “Oh, my lord.” Even through the darkness, he could see enough to recognize Ezra’s limp form in the dirt. He spun around. “Nathan!” he bellowed, running for the clinic.
Vin was frozen in place. He watched as Larabee kicked the dead body out of the way and knelt beside Standish. Vin wanted to shoot the men again. He brought the mare’s leg up again at the noise beside him.
“Whoa, Vin, it’s us. We just got back. What the hell’s going on?” Buck pulled JD behind him.
“Keep everyone away,” Chris ordered. “Vin.” Vin stared at him. “VIN!”
Vin shook himself out of his haze and was kneeling next to Ezra. He didn’t remember moving. “Ezra.” he reached forward then brought his hand back but then reached forward again.
Ezra lay there limp. In the shadows, Vin could see the blood, the torn skin. The messed up shoulder. He didn’t know where he could touch him. Finally, he grasped a mud-caked hand. “Please, Ezra,” he whispered. “Please.”
“Don’t move him!” Nathan came running into the alley. “I need light!”
A couple of lanterns appeared, but Vin didn’t see who’d brought them. He couldn’t take his eyes off Ezra. Everything was worse in the light.
“Is he breathing?” He whispered his question.
“Come on, Vin, give Nate room.” Buck grasped his shoulder, but Vin shook him off.
“Nate! Is he breathing?” He shouted now. “Someone tell me if he’s breathing!”
Someone grabbed his arms, and he tried to shake them off, but he was raised and shoved back against the side of the building. “Vin.” It was Chris. Their eyes met. “He’s breathing.”
He would have slid down to the ground if Chris hadn’t continued to support him. “Let Nathan get it figured out, and we’ll see what’s next…Okay?”
He managed to nod.
“What the hell happened?” Josiah asked, even as he helped Nathan. He held one of the lanterns so that Jackson could carefully check Ezra’s body before they attempted to move him.
“I don’t know.” Chris watched the others. Buck was staring at Vin, watching him closely. JD held the second lantern but was staring at the dead bodies of the two strangers. JD looked at Chris, nodding that the saloon crowd was handled. No one wanted to interrupt their revelry to see what was happening outside anyway.
“Careful.” Nathan’s voice brought his attention back to Ezra as Josiah set the lantern down and slowly helped Nathan turn Ezra over.
Ezra groaned.
“Ezra.” Vin said again. He made a sound. He was alive. Vin wanted to cry, but instead, he seethed.
Chris looked at Nathan. “You and Josiah get him up to the clinic.” He looked at Buck. “You and JD take care of those two.”
“Chris.” Vin didn’t take his eyes off Ezra.
“I know.” Vin felt the grip tighten on his arms. “I know. It’s gonna be okay.”
Vin pushed back at Chris, suddenly, his rage more than he could contain. “You don’t know that!”
Chris pushed right back. “We don’t know it won’t be either. You gotta breathe, Vin.”
They followed as Josiah and Nathan carefully carried Ezra up to Nathan’s clinic. While Josiah settled Ezra onto the main bed and Chris lit more lanterns, Nathan hurried to get supplies together. Vin made his way over to the far side of the bed and sat on the edge. He didn’t look at anyone but Ezra.
Ezra’s face was still. Cuts marred his face from the obvious repeated blows. Vin could see the bruises forming and the eyes swelling. There was a cut above his ear, bleeding where his head had been kicked. “How could they do this to you?” Vin whispered. He looked up at Nathan for permission as he reached again for Ezra’s hand.
Nathan nodded once. “Help me get him out of these clothes first.”
Together, they worked with great care to ease Ezra out of his torn clothing. There was no resistance, no sound from the Gambler. When they had him settled again, Vin held Ezra’s hand in both of his. He listened as Nathan muttered to himself. “Split lip, broken ribs, dislocated shoulder.” He watched as Nathan’s strong, gentle hands slid over Ezra, searching for visible injuries. Nathan pressed lightly at Ezra’s stomach and seemed to exhale in relief.
“What?” Vin asked.
“Belly isn’t hard. No sign he’s bleeding in there yet.”
“What about his back? They were,” Vin looked away a moment before continuing. “They were kicking his back.” He was seeing Ezra’s desperate attempt to crawl away as a foot slammed down onto his back.
“Help me roll him.” They eased Ezra onto his side, and Nathan motioned for the lantern. Josiah brought it closer, and Vin sucked in a curse as it revealed mottled bruises already developing all up and down Ezra’s back.
Gently, Nathan touched each one, pressing lightly. “I can’t say for certain, but we’ll watch his piss for blood. It looks like his muscles bore the brunt instead of his spine.” The healer looked down at Ezra. “What do you think happened?” He asked anyone listening.
No one answered. Nathan glanced at Josiah. “You were with him in the saloon. He cheat the wrong person?”
Vin exploded over the bed and had Nathan up against the wall before anyone else could react. “Don’t you even think to say that any of this is his fault?” He growled at the healer, his arm pressed against Jackson’s neck. “He did nothing to deserve this. You hear me?” Vin hissed.
“Vin. Let him go.” Chris ordered.
“He can’t say that, Cowboy.” Vin kept Nathan pinned, not looking at Chris as he spoke.
“He didn’t mean it,” Josiah added. “He was just..”
“If he didn’t mean it, he wouldn't say it.”
“I’m sorry.” Nathan patted at Vin’s arm. He recognized the threat but realized that Vin could have been pressing much harder on his neck. “I was just trying to understand. I’m sorry.”
After a moment, Vin let him go and turned back to Ezra. He moved back to the other side of the bed again, trying to avoid Ezra’s bad arm. No one was going to say Ezra deserved this.
The room was still and quiet for a moment, save for Nathan and Vin’s harsh breathing, until Nathan finally moved again and returned to helping Ezra. “Hold him so I can fix his shoulder.” He waited until Tanner had a firm grip on Ezra before he proceeded. Vin flinched when the joint popped but was relieved to hear Ezra’s soft groan.
“It’s gonna be okay, Ez.” He whispered. He ignored Nathan’s look as he reached up and touched Ezra’s head. “I’m here. I’m so sorry.”
“I need some space, Vin.”
“No.” Vin glared up at the healer. “Work around me.”
Nathan rubbed a hand over his face. “Listen.”
“You listen.”
“Vin.” Chris cut in. “We’ll wait just outside.” He wasn’t going to hear any arguments. “Now.”
With a last look down at Ezra, Vin pushed himself away and stormed out, shoving past Chris and Josiah.
He spun on Chris as soon as Larabee exited behind him. “I need to be in there.”
“You will be.”
“He needs me now.” Vin turned away. He leaned against the balcony rail, staring unseeingly out at the dark town. He knew Buck and JD were there on the balcony now. Josiah leaned against the closed door. Vin didn’t care. He bowed his head, the weight of his feelings too much. His concern, his worry, his guilt. He felt Chris’ hand rest lightly between his shoulder blades. “The last thing I said to him,” he bowed his head. “It was awful, Chris. I was cruel.”
“He’ll understand.”
“How?” Vin turned back toward Chris, not caring that there were tears in his eyes. “I called him a selfish coward and told him we were done. What if that was the last thing he ever heard from me?”
Chris stepped closer. “Stop. He’s not going anywhere. When he wakes up, he’ll forgive you. You know that. He’s Ezra. He loves you. I told you that. The only thing he cared about was protecting you.”
“I need him to care about himself, too, Chris,” Vin admitted. “What if he won’t fight?”
“Let's just wait and see what Nathan tells us.”
The clinic door opened again, and Vin was through it before Nathan could even pass any message along. The healer let Tanner shove by him and then came out on the porch with Chris and the others. “He okay?”
“No.” Chris shook his head. “Not at all.” He looked back at the closed door and then at Nathan for answers.
“I think he’ll be okay. It's a waiting game now.” Nathan looked off into the night. “If Vin hadn’t got there when he did, though…” His voice faded off, the implication clear.
Chris leaned back against the balcony railing and waited. Buck crossed his arms and leaned back, mirroring Chris’ position but against the wall. JD stood beside the ladies' man, shifting nervously in the tension around them. Josiah and Nathan stood to the side. No one spoke for a moment. No one looked at each other.
Finally, JD spoke up. “What happened?” He looked from one man to the other. “Does anyone know why Ezra got jumped?”
“No,” Josiah spoke first as Chris looked away.
“Chris does.” Buck pointed. “Gonna share?”
“Not sure it’s my place.”
“Like hell, it isn’t,” Buck stepped closer. “Does it have anything to do with that?” He waved at the closed clinic door.
Chris felt everyone’s eyes on him. Finally he looked at Buck.
“Shit.” Wilmington turned back around, punching at the wall behind him.
“Buck!” Nathan started toward him, but Buck turned and waved him back.
“I’m fine.” He looked back at Chris again. “How long has this been going on?”
Chris shrugged. “Ain’t got a timeline, but a little while.”
“What are you talking about?” JD pressed for information, looking confused.
The others ignored him.
“You gonna have a problem with this?” Chris asked.
“Fuck you for even asking me that question, Larabee.” Buck’s anger drained out of him, replaced with hurt. “You should have told us.”
“I told you it wasn’t my place.”
Buck shook his head. “If we’d known, though.”
“Tonight wasn’t about them, exactly.” Chris tried to reassure them. “The guy was someone from Ezra’s past. He was spouting off crap about something that happened ten years ago. It wasn’t about Vin.”
There was a small gasp as JD’s mouth rounded into a silent “Oh”. He grinned sheepishly at Chris and shrugged.
“Anyone else gonna have a problem with this?” Chris waited.
“No,” Nathan answered. “I’m just not sure why they didn’t trust us with this?”
Josiah spoke before Chris could. “Would you have?” He asked. “It seems tonight shows us that our Brother had some very deep reasons for his decisions.”
*****************************************************
As he sat watching Ezra’s still form, concentrating only on the slight rise and fall of the Southerner’s chest, Vin tried not to think about what the others were discussing just outside the clinic’s door. He suddenly felt uncertain. What if Ezra was right all along, he wondered. He rubbed a hand over his face and then reached out for Ezra’s free hand. It didn’t matter, he decided. They would have each other.
Nathan had stabilized Ezra’s shoulder and secured his arm to his battered chest. The wrap around Standish’s chest that supported broken ribs stood out, white and stark against his bruised skin. Beneath the light blanket, Vin knew Ezra’s legs weren’t in much better shape. His right leg was propped up on a pillow to help relieve the pressure in his knee as it swelled.
“God, Ezra.” He turned Ezra’s hand over and gently began tracing circles in his palm. “Please wake up.” He’d been so stubborn, he thought. So sure. Now all he wanted was to see Ezra’s green eyes again. He needed the chance for Ezra to tell him. Who were those men, and what were they talking about? He couldn’t get the image of Ezra’s desperate scrambling in the dirt out of his mind. He focused on Ezra’s palm instead. It was softer than his. Ezra would always joke it was from avoiding menial labor, but that never negated how strong those hands were. Vin smiled, threading his fingers through Ezra’s. So strong.
He heard the door open behind him but didn’t look up. He pulled his hand back and went back to tracing patterns on Ezra’s palm.
“You should probably get some rest,” Nathan pointed out. “You were out riding all day,” Jackson continued. “I don’t know when he’ll wake.”
“Will he?” Vin meant to sound stronger, but his question came out in a strangled whisper.
Nathan sat in the chair beside the bed and, for a moment, just watched Tanner. After a moment, Vin looked up at him, still waiting.
“I think so.” He nodded. “He’s pretty banged up, but his eyes are reacting normally, and that’s a good sign.”
“What about where they kicked his head?”
“He’s got a hard head.” Nathan smiled slightly. “I’m sure he’ll be hurting, sick for a bit, but I don’t see any obvious signs of anything else going on,” he motioned to Ezra’s head. “In his brain, I mean.” He watched Vin closely.
“Vin.”
“I’m not leaving him again,” Vin stated firmly. He let go of Ezra’s hand, reaching out to touch his leg instead. Gently squeezing Ezra’s thigh. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Nathan watched him a moment before nodding. “Okay.” He stood up and motioned to the empty side of the bed. “If you’re aiming to stay, you might as well rest too.”
Tanner looked up at the healer, searching for any chastisement or judgment in his expression, but found only concern. He nodded quickly, shedding his jacket and boots before crawling onto the bed atop the covers. He moved his head close to Ezra’s. “I’m here, Ez,” he whispered again. “I’m staying. I’m waiting for you.”
************************************************
The first thing Ezra felt as he started to climb from the darkness was pain, followed quickly by fear. Danny! No wait…Vin! He was confused. Danny was gone, but one of the men who had killed him was here. He was here. Ezra knew he had to warn Vin. He had to get up this time and fight.
He struggled, but they held him firm. His arm was immobile. His leg wouldn’t obey. He tried to move his other arm, but someone held it tight. He remembered being face down in the dirt. The pain, the humiliation as he struggled to crawl away. He just needed to get up, and he could stand up to them. He wasn’t going to run this time. He didn’t need to survive. He just needed to make sure that they didn’t.
“Ezra, stop moving. You’re gonna hurt yourself more. Please be still.” He heard the soft voice, frantic and begging.
He struggled harder. Vin was here. No!
“VIN!” He screamed a warning. “No! Run!” He knew it was futile. Vin would never run. Vin was going to die with him. “No. No. No.”
“I’m okay Ez, I’m okay. You’re ok. You’re safe, I promise. They’re gone forever.” Vin’s voice was so close, next to him.
He felt an arm circle his waist, gentle but firm. “We’re okay.” The mantra was whispered again and again. He could feel warm breath tickling his ear, followed by light kisses. “We’re gonna be okay.”
He settled, blinking eyes open as much as he could. Through tiny slits, he recognized Nathan’s clinic. “Did I run again?” he asked shamefully.
“No, Babe. You didn’t run.” Vin was lying beside him. “I wish you would have.”
Ezra tried to shake his head, but a wave of dizziness overwhelmed him. “Gonna be sick.”
A small bucket appeared in front of him. Vin helped him on one side, but another arm supported him on the other. He retched and cried out simultaneously, the action ripping through his abused body. “Easy, Ezra, we’ve got you.” Nathan.
Nathan was here, and Vin was beside him…in bed. Fear ran through him again, and he started to shake. “Easy,” Nathan repeated. “It’s okay.”
A warm, damp rag wiped at his face, cleaning off any sickness.
Ezra looked up at the Healer as they settled him back onto the pillows. Jackson smiled down at him. “You scared us.”
“How?” his voice felt raw and dry.
“Been out for a day and a half,” Nathan explained. “Had this one going out of his mind.” he waved a hand at Vin, grinning. “You remember anything?”
Images flashed through his mind. Grabbed from behind. The taunting, the beating. “Danny?” he asked suddenly. The two men with him exchanged worried looks.
“Is that the guy who was attacking you, Ez?” Vin asked. Ezra had called out the name ‘Danny’ a couple of times when he was starting to wake up.
Ezra tried to shake his head, but Vin’s hand gently touched his face. Tanner’s palm was warm. “Don’t move.”
“No, Danny was a long time ago.” Ezra realized. “Man was H. Darford. He, he didn’t approve.” Swallowing he went on. “Grabbed me as I crossed the alley, was distracted.” He didn’t look at Vin, instead, he watched as Nathan mixed some potion he knew he’d be drinking soon. “There were two I think. Got my arms, knew my weapons. Stripped them.” He closed his eyes. “That’s all.”
“Liar.” Vin reprimanded, but there was no sting in his voice.
“You see the results.” Silence descended on the room for a few moments.
“He said he knew you ten years ago.”
The tears came. He tried to hold them back, but he was drained. It’d been so much. Too much. He didn’t want to think of Danny or what might have happened to Vin, but he knew Vin needed answers, deserved them.
“Danny was beautiful.” Ezra began. His voice caught, and he started to cough. A cup of water was placed against his lips as Tanner supported his head, lifting him just enough to take a few sips. After a moment, he continued. “He loved me, and I was young and foolish. I loved him and didn’t want to hide.” He didn’t look at Vin or Nathan. He just kept his eyes closed. Not wanting to see their judgment or condemnation. “He was older and had been through this before. He warned me, but I didn’t want to listen.” He squeezed his eyes tighter. Vin took his hand, holding it reassuringly. “They cornered us behind a saloon. We’d grasped hands just once when walking by each other. It was enough.” There was a long pause before he continued. “There were at least half a dozen of them, and Darford was the ringleader. He led them. Danny told me to run, but I was ready to fight. Then they grabbed me and wrenched my arm back. My shoulder…” he shook his head just a bit and swallowed back the nausea. He knew tears were running down his face but couldn’t stop them. “I’d never felt any pain like that before,” he admitted.
“First time the shoulder popped?” Nathan questioned, his voice barely audible. Ezra had forgotten Jackson was there.
“Yeah, it paralyzed me for just long enough. Danny saw it happen. He grabbed my good arm and pulled me away from them, telling me to run.”
He swallowed convulsively. Shame filled him. “I did.” he barely managed to get the words out.
Silence filled the room save for Ezra’s rough breathing and the clink of glass as Nathan continued to work on mixing whatever he was mixing. Ezra knew he was trembling again.
He felt Vin’s arm wrap around him again carefully. “You had to Ez. It’s okay.”
“No,” He protested, trying to sit up. He cried out as the movement ignited the pain throughout his body.
“Stay still,” Nathan commanded.
“I should have stayed and…helped him. I should have.”
“What happened to Danny?”
Ezra felt as if the room was swirling around him now. “I snuck back after nightfall. Danny was still there, his body abandoned in the mud. They’d beaten him to death.” His voice had fallen to barely audible. “I’d run out on him. I was a coward.”
He let the darkness retake him, whisking him away from the shameful memories.
**********************************************
Vin stared at his lover, horrified, amazed, and so in love. How could Ezra ever think that he’d been a coward? Situations like that were unwinnable. Everyone had, at one time or another, retreated to save themselves from a life-or-death situation. Tanner recognized immediately that Ezra was not a coward. This Danny had protected him, and Vin would always be grateful. He sat up and gently placed a hand on Ezra’s forehead, brushing his hair back from the bandage.
He felt Nathan’s eyes on him and looked up.
Jackson’s eyes were red. He met Vin’s gaze and shook his head. “He’s no coward.” He whispered.
Vin nodded. “He was ready to leave town when he discovered Chris knew about us.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Or let Chris kill him. Whatever it took to protect me.”
“Chris would never…” Nathan sounded shocked.
“You and I know that.” he rubbed Ezra’s good arm. “He doesn’t.”
“And now we know why.” Jackson sat on the other side of the bed, checking the bandages around Ezra’s chest. Making sure nothing was hurt worse in his struggles. “Guess we’re going to have to convince him.”
Vin looked up but Nathan was focused on Ezra. “Yeah.” he agreed. “We will.”
*****************************************
The next few times Ezra woke, he was conscious only of the intense pain and waves of nausea that came with it. The bucket was always there, as were the arms and hands, lifting and supporting him. Faces blurred with soothing voices. Vin and Nathan were always there but interspersed were the others. They were all there.
When he finally was able to wake without the dizziness and illness, Vin was still beside him. Asleep this time, his soft snores tickled at Ezra’s neck. One hand rested along his good arm. Ezra felt eyes on him and turned carefully to see Chris watching him closely.
“How’re you feeling?” Larabee asked, continuing before Ezra could answer. “Don’t lie either.”
Ezra just smiled and glanced at Vin again. “He’s still here,” he said. Ignoring the question altogether.
“Pretty sure he ain’t going anywhere.”
Doubt filled Ezra. Vin knew it all now. He wouldn’t want to stay. Everyone knew the story by now, he was sure. Not just who he was but what he’d done. He wondered how long it’d be before he would be back on the trail again, back on his own.
“Stop it.” Chris’ voice was stern but not harsh. When Ezra met his gaze he continued. “Stop believing the worst will always happen.”
“History has shown me…” his voice rasped.
“Screw history, Ezra.” Larabee leaned forward and laid a hand lightly on Standish’s chest. “History has shown all of us nothing but shit. What this,” he gestured at Ezra and Vin. “What this shows me is that you survived. You think Vin’s a coward for running from the bounty on his head?”
Anger flashed through Ezra. He struggled to sit up. “Don’t you dare…” his protest cut off in a fit of coughing that wracked his body. He gasped for air.
“Christ, don’t move.” With exasperated affection, Chris pressed him back against the pillows and reached for a cup of water. He waited and helped Ezra, supporting him. “Small sips. Nathan’s orders.”
Ezra waited until Chris had put the cup down. “It’s different,” he argued calmly now. “He was wrongly accused. His life would have been forfeit.”
“And if you had stayed that night with your Danny? What would have happened to you?”
Ezra closed his eyes, realizing he was correct in assuming everyone knew the story now. “Vin didn’t abandon anyone else to that fate. It’s not the same,” he managed.
“What would Danny say to you now?”
Ezra glared at Chris through swollen eyes and finally looked away with a huff. “He’d probably tell me to stop being stupid,” he admitted.
“Then maybe you should stop being so stupid.” Vin’s voice startled him.
Chris grinned. “He’s got a point.” He lightly patted Ezra. “Let it go. You can trust me when I say hanging on to guilt does no one any good.”
Ezra watched as Larabee nodded at Vin and then stood and left the clinic. He felt Vin shift and sit up next to him. Knew Tanner was watching him, but he stayed focused on the soft streams of sunlight stretching across the floor. He didn’t know how to look at Vin right now. He didn’t know what he’d see.
Calloused, familiar fingers traced along his jawline. Vin’s palm slid against his bruised cheek, and gently turned his head so Ezra had no choice but to look at him. He scanned Vin’s face for disgust or anger or pity, but there was none of that. “You scared the hell out of me.” Tanner’s thumb rubbed gently at his cheekbone. “I thought I’d lost you, and the last things I would have said to you…”
“No.” Ezra interrupted. He reached with his good arm, but Vin caught his hand, intertwining their fingers. “Please don’t. I didn’t explain.”
“I didn’t give you much opportunity either.” Silence fell between them. Ezra waited as he watched Vin try to work on his thoughts. He could tell the tracker had more to say. “I know you’re still worried about the others. I didn’t exactly react well to all this.” He nodded, indicating Ezra in the bed. “So..”
“They know.” Ezra blinked, trying to tamp down the fear.
“They do,” Vin admitted. “They’re okay. Don’t know what the town knows, don’t rightly care.”
Ezra tensed and then forced himself to breathe. He knew Vin was watching him closely, sensing his reactions. Vin went on. “I never really explained myself, Ezra. I never wanted you to flaunt us about town or nothing.” His thumb traced over Ezra’s bruised and torn lips. “I just, I just wanted us to be real. I want us to be real.” He restated. “I don’t care what anyone else thinks, Ez, but I do care that you’re safe. That we’re safe. I believe that we can do that here; if we find out we can’t, we’ll find someplace else. I don’t rightly care as long as we’re together.”
“Okay.” Ezra found his voice.
“Just okay?” He heard the hope in Vin’s voice.
“As long as we’re together.” His voice trembled as he realized he meant it.
“Chris told me about…” Vin’s voice broke.
Ezra waited, unsure.
“About what you said to him.” Vin looked at him directly now and if he could have moved his head, Ezra would have turned away. Instead he closed his eyes.
“Don’t do that.” Vin ordered. “Look at me.”
Ezra obeyed.
“He told me you were only concerned with protecting me.” Vin squeezed his hand. “I was mad at first. I thought you figured I couldn’t protect myself.”
“That’s not…”
“But,” Vin cut him off. “I get it now.” He let go of Ezra’s hand and reached up, grasping his face in both hands, a mirror of the way he’d grabbed him days ago in the night, cruelly in anger. This time, though, he was gentle. “God, Ezra.” He leaned forward and ever so lightly brushed his lips against Ezra’s. “I love you so much. Don’t you ever do that again? You hear me?”
A sense of warmth flooded through Ezra. “I think so?” He had to admit he wasn’t sure what Vin wanted of him. He just knew he wanted Vin’s lips back on his.
“I need you to believe you’re just as important as me,” Vin whispered. “I need you to fight for yourself as much as you’ve shown you’d fight for me. We’re worth this. Not just me.” He kissed Ezra again.
Ezra tried to move into the kiss, but it didn’t take any effort for Vin to hold him in place. He groaned when Vin pulled back again. “Promise me, Ez.”
He swallowed, his eyes blurred with emotion. He didn’t know if he could do it. He couldn’t lie to Vin, though. “I’ll try,” he whispered. “I promise I’ll try.”
Vin shook his head but then rolled his eyes dramatically and grinned. He leaned in again with a longer, deeper kiss before pulling back. “What exactly am I going to do with you?”
Ezra grinned crookedly back. “Anything you want, Mr. Tanner. Any damn thing you want.”