Chapter Text
“Onwards! To adventure!” Prince Stede Bonnet let out a rallying cry, leaning forwards and letting out his horse’s reins as he galloped forth down the road. By the light of the full moon, he could see their destination in the distance: a tall, winding tower that rose up on a hill. There, he would finally reach the climax of his epic quest. It would be a perilous encounter, but Stede was willing to take that risk. He was prepared. He was ready. He was… apparently much further down the road than his companion was.
“Lucius!” Stede called, turning his horse around to look at his manservant. “Please do catch up. With how much you’ve been lagging behind on our trip, I’m beginning to doubt that you paid any attention during your childhood riding lessons.”
“My what? Stede, Revenge has literally won racing awards before. Of course she’s faster.” Stede had spent a considerable amount of his princely wealth purchasing Revenge, one of the finest purebred mares throughout the kingdom. But that was no reason for Lucius to disparage his own horse.
“Nonsense. I’m sure that Dinghy is a perfectly capable mount.” Dinghy was still part of the palace’s stables, after all. While Stede hadn’t been able to be picky when he’d “borrowed” her—running off in the middle of the night with nothing but the clothes on his back and the half-dozen bags of clothes that Lucius had brought on Dinghy’s back—Dinghy had performed admirably along their journey so far. Still, Stede graciously slowed Revenge into a trot, letting Dinghy start to catch up. It was slow going, given how skittish she seemed to be acting right now.
“I’m starting to think that this is a bad idea, honestly,” Lucius commented. “I mean, not that I ever thought this was a good idea. Just that I’d have to be daft to turn down a paid vacation, even if it was spent going on a wild goose chase. But now—” Dinghy gave a nervous whinny again, briefly interrupting Lucius’s words. “—what if there really is a dragon over there?”
Stede gave him a baffled look. “Lucius. Of COURSE there’s going to be a dragon. Whyever would you think otherwise?”
“Well… your information source was a bit questionable, frankly.”
“I thought that they were fine gentlemen, once I was able to speak with them properly.” Stede recalled the lively tavern that they’d gone into near the start of their journey. He’d introduced himself as a prince, causing a great round of laughter and doubt, but after he’d explained how he was looking for a quest, it seemed as though at least one of the men had finally taken him seriously. He’d told Stede about the beautiful princess Edwena of the kingdom to their east. Apparently, she’d been captured by some kind of evil dragon, trapped within a winding tower from which she could not escape. At least, not without a noble hero who could come and rescue her.
It wasn’t that Stede had any particularly romantic ideas about princesses, per se. After all, the primary reason why he’d left had been to escape his arranged marriage to Lady Mary Allamby, who was by all accounts a perfectly fine young maiden. But court had always been stifling to Stede. As the youngest of several brothers, there wasn’t even any expectation that he would be ruling anything some day. No—he was simply supposed to attend dinner parties and embody the essence of nobility. Before this week, he’d never even left the castle unattended. Stede had grown up reading all kinds of fairy tales about princes and princesses, but it seemed as though none of those exciting adventures would ever happen to him.
So, Stede decided he needed to seek out those adventures himself.
“I do have some dragon-defying tricks up my sleeve, don’t you worry, Lucius,” Stede continued. “Besides, if we encounter the beast, I’ll finally be able to put my fencing lessons to good use!” He took his sword out from where it was sheathed at his side, waving it up in a manner that he figured would be impressive. He narrowly managed to avoid slicing through a rein.
“...Right.” Lucius unfortunately did not sound very impressed. “And you don’t think those guys you talked to might have skewed their story? Especially since this ‘tower’ they mentioned is a full-on castle?”
That fact had become apparent as they’d ascended. But there was still one spire of the citadel that jutted out from the others, the one most prominently visible while one’s view was blocked by the surrounding mountains. It surely must have been the tower he’d been told of.
“Lots of towers are attached to castles,” Stede noted. “They probably just forgot to mention it.” He gazed up again at the tower, observing the way it stood apart from the other spires, almost like it was lonely. When he looked back, he frowned to see Lucius already dismounting, even though they were only at the base of the hill. “Lucius? Are you not coming with me?”
“Nah, I’m good.”
“Oh. Are you sure you’re going to be able to annotate my adventures properly from down here though?”
“Yep, definitely. I mean, if you do see that dragon, you wouldn’t want the pages getting caught in the crossfire of its fire breath, would you?”
“I suppose not. Well then… wish me luck!”
Lucius did not, in fact, wish him luck, but Stede was undeterred. He pulled the reins, guiding Revenge up the hill, taking her around the curved walls of the castle, and then finally dismounting at the base of the tower. It was taller than he’d thought, but fortunately, the princess’s window was obvious. Not only did it have a uniquely elegant balcony, connected backwards to the winding castle ramparts, but there was also light emanating from the window, illuminating the room on the other side of it. And in that room, there was the outline of a figure—presumably the princess—turned away and brushing her long, black hair in what was likely a nightly routine.
Standing there, gazing at the window several stories above him, Stede realized a flaw in his plan. How was he supposed to speak to the princess, let alone rescue her? Calling out would undoubtedly attract the attention of others in the castle, and that wasn’t something he wanted to risk. Curses, if only he’d brought a grappling hook! There were obvious railings on the ramparts outside, jutting out in front of a sizable door to the tower, but he couldn’t take advantage of any of it. Hmm. Perhaps a romantic classic?
Acquiring a nearby pebble and throwing it upwards, he managed to aim well enough to clink it against the window after a mere half-dozen tries. Suddenly, the black-haired figure got up, and a few seconds later, the balcony door opened.
“Thought I told you not to bother me anymore tonight, Izz—oh. Well, who might you be?”
To Stede’s shock, a man stepped out to look at him, his voice a pleasantly deep timbre and his countenance adorned with a handsome black beard. And yet, this was also obviously the princess—if the gorgeous purple dress he was wearing wasn’t clear enough, the tiara most certainly was. Stede had never seen anyone so beautiful.
“Hey,” the man said, “cat got your tongue or something? What’s your name?”
“Stede,” Stede gasped. “Prince Stede Bonnet. And I’m sorry, but I just hadn’t expected you to look quite so lovely. Are you Edwena, the princess imprisoned here by a dastardly gray dragon?”
The man laughed uproariously. “Never heard that one before. But yeah, probably me you’re talking about. It’s actually ‘Edward’, but you can call me Ed.” He winked, and Stede felt his heart flutter. “Anyway, Stede, what brings you here this fine evening?”
“Oh! Well, I’m here to rescue you, of course!”
Ed giggled, and it might have been the prettiest sound Stede had ever heard. “Right, yeah. You gonna whisk me away to a far-off land and ask for my hand in marriage or something?”
“Um, if you’d like!” Stede replied, blushing. If princes had to marry someone they’d never met one way or another, he’d certainly prefer this fellow. He wasn’t entirely sure what his father would say about Ed being another man, but he was a princess, and that was what was important, right?
“Alright,” Ed nodded, smiling playfully. “But you gotta woo me first, mate. Can’t go taking me with you while I’m still standing here, unwooed.”
“That makes sense!” Stede agreed. “Dreadfully negligent of me. What’s your preferred wooing style?” If he’d thought to prepare properly, he could have acquired all manner of gifts—jewelry, flowers, and the like—but at the moment, he was unfortunately equipped with nothing but words.
“How about you start by telling me what it’s like, where you’re from? If that’s where you’d be whisking me to.”
“Of course!” The day to day business of Stede’s castle itself was all terribly boring, but he’d never let that deter him. “Well, there are all kinds of exciting events—masquerade balls, horse races, parades of of floats filled with flowers—”
“Flowers, love those.”
Stede beamed, smiling fondly. “Flowers are my favorites as well. Oh, except for my other favorite: the library! There are so many books I could recommend for you, if you wanted.”
“Eh, not much of a book person myself. Letters get all swirly and jumbled when I look at ‘em for too long.”
“Oh—well that’s quite alright!” Stede hadn’t heard of such a phenomenon before, but he did know the perfect solution. “In my experience, all the best stories are always taken to the theater. Epic dramas and whimsical comedies, actors dressed up in the most gorgeous of outfits. It’s always quite the production! I’d love to attend with you.”
“Fuck yeah, that sounds like a blast! Always wanted to see something like that. Too bad I’m stuck here.” Ed leaned over the edge of the balcony, sighing, and Stede felt his heart reach out in sympathy.
“You don’t have to be, though! We could ride there together on my horse, and I could take you to see—”
It was then that Stede noticed a shift in the air. A sudden breeze, perhaps? But no, he could hear some kind of flapping noise too. Oh! With all the excitement, he’d nearly forgotten about—
The beating of the dragon’s wings nearly knocked Stede off his feet as the creature descended towards him.
“What the FUCK do you think you’re doing, you twat? Plotting to take Edward away from here, are you?”
The dragon’s voice was rough and obviously masculine, and he sounded mightily angry. However, the creature was smaller than Stede would have guessed—scarcely bigger than a horse, though boasting a considerable wingspan—with gray and black scales that blended into the evening shadows. A pair of criss-crossing scars formed the shape of an ‘x’ underneath the dragon’s left eye, accentuating the scowl on his face. All in all, he looked like exactly the kind of ferocious monster that Stede had only ever read about!
“Why, yes I am!” Stede replied, straightening up and drawing his sword from its scabbard. “I’m going to vanquish you and bring Ed back to—OH my goodness!”
While Stede was talking, the dragon had lunged forward and swiped at Stede’s torso with one of his claws. By the time Stede could even raise a sword to retaliate, the damage had already been done. His shirt was thoroughly in tatters.
“...You’re quite skilled,” he gulped. “To whom, might I ask, do I owe the honors?”
“My name is Israelithicus,” the dragon roared. “Israelithicus, Israelithicus the Gray, or God, as far as you’re concerned.”
“Most of us just call him ‘Izzy’ though,” Ed shouted down from above. Izzy glanced up at him, looking annoyed. But despite the instinctive relief Stede felt from having Izzy’s attention diverted, he knew he couldn’t let this monster’s anger fall upon Ed. He had to be the hero here.
“Well, you should know that you face Stede Bonnet!” He brought his sword up again, swinging it with as much force as he could muster. “The heroic prince, the savior of—” Izzy easily swatted his sword away, sending it flying perilously out of Stede’s hands. The dragon growled, exhaling a plume of smoke and hot air directly onto his face. Stede coughed, stepping backwards, only to find that Izzy had him backed up against the tower’s outer wall. With another swipe, Izzy hooked a claw into Stede’s jacket—doubtlessly ruining the fabric—and lifted him up, pressing him against the bricks.
“You think you can slay me, do you?” Izzy bellowed. “You think that you can just stick your fucking blade in me and I’ll fall over dead?”
“No, I—”
“It’s harder than you think, Bonnet. You think you’re so bloody impressive with that oversized sword, but I bet you’ve never even used it before. You’ll never be able to penetrate these scales, you twat.”
“Err, I could be non-lethal…?”
“Ooooh. Got some clever idea to subdue me then? Gonna force water down my throat until my fire sputters and chokes? Climb on top of me and wrangle a muzzle onto my face? Get a garrote around my neck and just fucking strangle me ‘til I pass out? Increasing the pressure on my neck, watching me struggle and gasp for air… I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Filthy fucking humans and all your nasty ideas.”
“Um. I’m sure there are options other than choking… maybe something non-violent?”
“Oh, so you think that you can dominate me then, bend me to your will? You wanna capture me, chain me up some kind of animal, do you? Maybe put a collar on me, walk me on a leash like a pet? Get me obeying your commands, eating from the palm of your hand, sleeping at the foot of your bed? You fucking wish. Never gonna happen, you ponce.” Stede found himself feeling increasingly flustered as the dragon growled this all to him, though he wasn’t sure why.
“Well…I’m sure there are other ways to thwart you. You could give me a riddle, perhaps!”
“I’m not a fucking sphinx. I’m a dragon.” Izzy bared his teeth, exposing a set of razor-sharp fangs. “And you are nowhere close to being a dragonslayer. Any last words, Bonnet?”
“I choose—” Stede thought fast, recalling the Dust of Sneezing and Choking he’d bought from that merchant on the street corner. “—this!” Flinging the dust out from his pocket and into Izzy’s face, he got the opportunity he needed. As the dragon turned away from him, coughing, Stede wriggled free of his jacket, leaving it hanging from Izzy’s claws, and dropped to the ground, sprinting away. Yes! That would teach Lucius to decry his savvy magic item purchases as literally just sand, oh my god, why are you wasting that much gold.
With a whistle, Stede brought Revenge galloping towards him, and he mounted quickly, racing back down the road from whence he came.
“See you later, Stede!” he heard Ed’s voice call out to him as he left.
“Lovely meeting you, Ed!” he called back. “I’ll be back soon!”
“This isn’t over, Bonnet!” Izzy growled from afar.
“Good,” Stede shouted back. “Because I kind of enjoyed it.”