Archive of Our Own

Day 0, Sunday

“Curse you, Agent P!” Doofenshmirtz shouted loudly across the cavernous space that was his laboratory. The empty walls echoed the curse back, making them ring in Agent Platypus' ears.

Heinz swiped his arms wildly at his nemesis in an attempt to push him away. 

Perry held the inventor back with both hands firmly on the lapels of his lab coat. He blocked the other man's attack and pushed Doofenshmirtz up against the wall.

"Let me go, or I'll spoil your green cranium along with every other head of lettuce in town!" Heinz threatened through gritted teeth.

Doofenshmirtz struggled to escape and managed to push himself free from Perry's grip. First he tried to get some distance between himself and the agent, but as he stepped to the side the fedora'd agent administered a vicious little kick to his shin and the man fell face-first on the floor.

Immediately after impact, Heinz rolled over, grabbed Perry by the ankle, and swept him off his feet. 

Now they were both on the floor.

Doofenshmirtz changed tactics and grabbed hold of Perry’s tie to pull him closer, but Agent P intercepted him. He grabbed hold of Heinz's wrist roughly and pushed them aside with so much force that his knuckles collided with the tile floor. As they hit, he heard a loud crack. Perry couldn't determine if it was the floor or Heinz's hand that had produced the sound. 

Heinz didn’t even seem to notice.

If Doofenshmirtz could ignore the noise, then Perry could too. His hand was probably fine, at least until the fight was over. That’s where the complaining usually started.

Technically, Perry was free to leave after the fight ended, but over time it had become a habit for the agent to stick around. The least he could do for Heinz was allow him to vent his frustration for a little while. It never took long for him to mellow out once he got to talk through his problems. And then Perry got a nice cup of tea.
It was a routine the agent didn't need his employer to know about. It was pleasant to know exactly how things were going to proceed.

Except today wasn't going to be that easy. Heinz struggled to get his nemesis off him, first by clutching his shoulder, then by grabbing his neck.

Initially, Perry wasn’t worried when his nemesis pressed his hand against the delicate skin of his throat; that just happened sometimes.
But then his fingers pressed, grasped, and  squeezed .

Heinz's titanium hands were delicately built, but stronger than any flesh and bone hand would ever be. Usually Agent P was vaguely aware of this in the back of his mind, but right now artificial skin was the only thing separating his throat from a mechanical claw. Heinz's hand held on not just tightly, but  painfully  so.

Perry tried to gasp, but Heinz’s grasp was so firm that he was immediately choking. His eyes shot open in panic and he stared at Heinz for one second, frozen as a tidal wave of fear took hold of his body.

Perry’s brain screamed at him that his windpipe was about to be crushed and that he was dying. His body bucked and struggled against Doofenshmirtz, but his throat was unmovable. Heinz’s long fingers reached all the way to the back of Perry’s neck, where his short nails plunged into the agent’s skin.
The rush of panic that washed over the agent's body was intense enough to take away all sensations except for the skin-on-skin contact. Perry heard himself struggling to breathe, but any noise beyond that was secondary.

After what felt like an eternity but must have only been a moment, adrenaline kicked in. With a heave that would leave his entire upper body sore for the rest of the day, he managed to grab Heinz's wrists and pushed them away. He planted one shoe in the middle of his nemesis' chest and forced his off.

Heinz hit the floor and tumbled over into his own inator, but Perry paid him no mind. His airway was free, and he was desperately and painfully  gasping  for air.

Between desperate pulls of oxygen, Perry had to stop and cough.
His throat hurt and his chest and lungs burned every time he gulped, but the need to breathe was stronger than any discomfort.
He couldn't have been choked for more than a few seconds, but they had been intense.

Agent P rolled onto his knees and leaned his forehead against the floor as he breathed and blinked black spots from his vision. 

“Agent P!” Heinz was shouting, Perry could tell. But to him, the sound was far away. 
For now, he ignored the other man, despite what had just happened he did not fear him.

Heinz placed his hands on Perry's shoulders. His hand had been rough, strong as steel, and dangerous before but now they were so very careful. For a moment the hands fluttered, unsure of what to do. But then they grasped Perry and carefully helped him sit upright.

The agent let himself be moved and glanced at Heinz. He looked more panicked than Perry had been during the whole ordeal.

“Agent P, please, oh God. Are you okay?!” Heinz asked desperately as he pressed one hand against the agent's chest. 
Perry’s heart was beating wildly, and he was sure that Heinz could feel it, even though the many layers of fabric between them. 

But Perry was breathing now.
He could hear himself, wheezy and uncomfortable every time he inhaled. But his lungs were filling with fresh air every time he tried and gradually he caught his breath. Eventually, his heart slowed down and the tension in his shoulders slipped away.

Perry nodded and sank back against Heinz, who had held him upright the entire time. He was too startled to be conscious of appearances, so when Heinz held him and carefully pressed the back of one hand against the side of Perry’s face, Perry let him.

“I swear I didn’t mean to do that,” Heinz said apologetically. “It was like I had no control for a moment.”

Perry nodded once more. His head leaned back against one of Heinz’s bony shoulders. It settled him.
His throat hurt.

“Thank goodness you’re so powerful and you pushed me off.” One of Heinz’s hands was rubbing at Perry’s bicep. He didn’t expect Heinz to be aware he was doing it.

Perry blinked a few times and determined that his vision was mostly back to normal. He sat up a little, and Heinz released him. His hand hovered beside Perry's shoulders, ready to assist in any way. But Perry was confident that he'd be okay.

Doofenshmirtz got up and offered the agent a hand. “Forget the inator,” Heinz said as he hauled his nemesis to his feet with a grunt. “I’m no longer in the mood to manipulate the masses into buying more lettuce than they need so that it spoils in their fridge and ruins their mood. Let’s get you your cup of tea.”

Heinz didn’t release Perry’s hand as he took him to the kitchen. Perry wasn’t in the mood to fight it, so he let himself be led to the table.
When Heinz was about to pull out a chair for him, Perry finally drew the line. He pulled his hand from Heinz's grip, grabbed the chair, and pulled it out himself with just a little too much power.

The chair scraped across the floor loudly before the agent dropped into it.

“Geesh.” Heinz hissed. “I know I just choked you out by accident, but you don’t have to take it out on my marble, Agent P. I mean, I understand if you’re frustrated. I really fucked up there, but what has the chair ever done to you? I never even trapped you into this one, that was the green chair from my study.” 
Heinz rambled about his furniture as he filled the kettle and found some cups. 

Perry let him. He sat in his chair with his arms crossed, mostly ignoring his nemesis. At some point, Heinz's conversation would cycle back around to include him. For now, Heinz was mostly talking to himself.
With just the tips of his fingers, Perry gently touched his neck. With how much it had hurt, he'd almost expected his neck to be dented like a soda can, but there were no deep, finger-shaped grooves pressed into his throat. His skin felt normal.

Perry was glad the inator was scrapped for the day, even if Heinz specifically called him out on a Sunday to present it. Heinz had explained why in his monologue, but Perry hadn’t really understood his logic.
He was sure the inator would still work on Monday.

After a minute, Heinz placed a steaming cup of cloudy tea in front of him before turning to make himself a cup. He sat down in the chair next to Perry, just out of reach.

Perry carefully took a sip. He managed to sip the drink successfully, but it burned the whole way down. He must have irritated his throat during his coughing and gasping fit.

Heinz was looking at him curiously over the rim of his own cup.

Perry looked back and raised one eyebrow.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” Heinz asked, and his gaze flicked down to Perry’s neck.

Perry rubbed at the skin self-consciously but nodded. He was still a bit shaky from the adrenaline. Judging from the tight grip Heinz had on his cup, he’d been genuinely startled as well. 

But Perry could breathe and swallow, and his head was clear again.

“I’m fine.” He signed. His hands still felt a bit shaky, but if Doofenshmirtz even noticed, he was polite enough not to mention it.

“Okay,” Heinz agreed after a moment. “Good.”

They both took a sip of tea.

“I feel like I should apologize,” Heinz admitted. It was something the man hated doing because admitting fault left him open to critique. He never learned to handle critique very well.

Perry shook his head. “It was an accident.” He signed. 
He was sure of it. At the beginning of their nemesis-ship, he had expected Doofenshmirtz to pull nasty tricks like that, but at this point, he knew Heinz well enough to know that this was far below him. He respected Perry too much to ever do this genuinely.

Heinz shrugged and strung some words together in reply. Perry noticed that there was still something akin to an apology in there. He hid his indulgent smile behind his cup and took a sip.

Manipulating Heinz into starting an easygoing conversation was simple, and before he thought to check the clock, the evening had passed and Perry had to go home.

“You can take tomorrow off, Agent P,” Heinz said as he handed Perry his fedora. It had fallen to the floor around the time the choking incident happened, and neither man had prioritized grabbing it until they were sure Perry was fine.
“I need to figure out what happened to my hand first.”

Perry settled the fedora on his head and nodded seriously.

“Well...” Heinz said as he cradled his front door to his chest. He looked at Perry for a moment and stalled. the man seemed to be looking for an appropriate send-off.

Perry waited patiently.

“Bye!” Heinz concluded curtly and closed the door in Perry’s face.

The agent chuckled, which still hurt to do, and returned home.
He’d missed dinner, but he didn’t think he wanted to eat right now anyway. He took some time to unwind and went to bed. The weekend was technically over, but he really didn’t feel like he’d had a lot of rest.

That night, Perry dreamt of large hands that held him down, but he didn’t struggle. He knew he was safe because he recognized them.

***************

Day 1, Monday

“Per-”

Perry sniffed and rolled over. He wasn’t ready to wake up yet.

“Perry…”

If he just squeezed his eyes closed they would let him be.

“Perry, It’s time to wake up!”

Perry released a huff and lifted his head blearily. Linda was by the side of his bed. She’s the only one in the house who enters his room without permission. Perry normally didn’t really mind, but he preferred waking up on his own terms.

The uncle was known to have a bit of a sour mood in the morning, so almost everybody in the family let him be.

Perry scrunched his nose at her.

“I said that breakfast is ready,” Linda’s voice was nice, sweet even. She was endlessly patient with everybody in the morning. Phineas was a ball of energy, and Candace was like a zombie for the first thirty minutes of the day. Linda knew how to handle both of them gracefully. Her grasp on Perry's grumpiness was nothing less than elegant.

For some reason, Linda thought that occasionally sharing breakfast would be good for the family. In theory it was very cute. But in practice Perry didn’t always enjoy it. The food was great, and Perry's family is lovely, but for some reason breakfast was held at seven AM in the Flynn-Fletcher household.

Perry didn’t get enough sleep as it was, OWCA was mostly to blame.
Getting up early on his first day off in two weeks hadn’t been Perry’s plan, but the house smelled of waffles and chocolate. It would be impolite to roll over and continue snoring. Besides, seeing the kids was nice. Perry loves his family, even at dawn.

“Are you coming down? You missed family breakfast yesterday, so we’re doing it today.” Linda waited patiently for Perry to answer.  Aha , Perry thought to himself despite the foggy state of his brain. He’d vanished on them yesterday so this was a do-over.

Perry nodded and yawned dramatically.

“Good, I’ll see you in five minutes.”

Linda was kind enough to leave Perry alone for a bit. He considered falling back asleep for a moment, but that seemed cruel. Family breakfast was a tradition born out of love. 

Perry rolled out of bed and used the restroom first, then he just barely washed his face in the sink and decided to save the shaving and hairstyling for later.
Before he trudged downstairs he put on the first shirt that passed the sniff test and tugged it over his head.

This was as presentable as he was going to get.

Perry left his glasses on his nightstand. He figured he didn't need to pay such close attention to anything this early in the morning. He would later come to regret this decision.

***************

Candace wasn’t known for her stellar morning moods. She was slow, didn’t talk much, and leaned her head on her elbow the entire time.

That morning she was leaning too, using her free arm to deposit an unholy amount of chocolate sauce on her waffle. Beside her, Ferb looked on in awe as Candace managed to pile the sauce on taller and taller without it leaking off the side of her waffle. 

Phineas was babbling. She would figure out what he was planning later, it wasn’t like he ever tried to keep secrets from her.

Perry arrived at breakfast five minutes late and sat opposite her. His hair was a fluffy, curly mess that hid part of his expression. He didn’t look any more awake than she did.
Candace was fairly sure he was still in his boxers, but if Mom was going to allow it then she didn’t care. At least he was wearing a shirt today.
Everybody else at the table was in pajamas, but she wasn’t sure Perry even owned any.

Perry poured himself a cup of the darkest coffee ever made and cradled it close to his chest as he leaned back in his chair. After his first slow sip, Perry just stared at the wall for a moment and blinked. He didn’t grab himself a waffle.

Whatever, more for her.

Candace finally decided her waffle was holding enough chocolate and handed the saucer to Ferb, who had been waiting patiently for it.

Her brother took it and looked inside. “And what do you expect me to do with this, Candace?” Ferb asked calmly before showing her the empty container.

Candace just shrugged and took a bite of waffle-based chocolate.

“Good morning everyone!” Lawrence announced cheerfully as he walked in from the garage with an unopened jug of orange juice. He pressed a good morning kiss to Linda’s cheek. “This looks wonderful, Darling,” He sat himself down and got to work creating waffle art.

For a while, breakfast was normal.

Candace had worked through most of her waffle and was starting to regret her topping choices when Dad turned to Perry and asked him if he'd like a waffle.

Perry turned his head to answer, and then Candace saw it.

Her eyes got wide as saucers immediately.
A dark band of bruises curled around Uncle Perry’s entire neck. They were blue and purple and that gross yellow color at the edges. Candace wondered how she hadn’t seen them before. They were glaringly obvious.
She wildly looked around the table, but nobody else seemed to be aware.

“I’ll eat in a minute,” Perry signed slowly. 

Linda moved a waffle to Perry’s empty plate. “I’m just setting it aside so that the rest of these  little monsters  don’t eat all of them before you can finish your coffee.”

Perry nodded gratefully, he wore a small smile on his face.

Candace squinted at it. It didn’t look genuine to her.
Perry slid the tips of his fingers across the ring of bruises he was wearing like a necklace. He didn’t seem to realize what he was doing.

Candace couldn’t look away. A sense of dread filled her; her hands got clammy and her heart sped up.
Something had happened to give him those bruises, and suddenly she felt very strongly that she had to find out what it was.

Candace noticed her hands were shaking, so she put down her fork and clasped them together.
It did not make her feel more at ease.

“So Perry, what are you going to do today?” Linda asked kindly as she cut a delicate bite off her strawberry-covered waffle.

Perry thought for a moment and moved his head from side to side. 
Mom still didn’t see the bruises and Candace was  this  close to screaming.

“Groceries,” Perry signed and counted on one finger.

“Oh. Yes please,” Linda agreed “I’ll be busy in the studio with the Jazz band all day. Can you do dinner today, or do you have work?”

Perry nodded lazily and yawned.

“Perfect, so no work today?”

Perry shook his head, this was as much as anyone could expect out of a conversation with him in the morning.

“And do you have anything fun lined up for today? It’s going to be lovely weather.” Linda tried to infect Perry with her optimism, but it didn’t seem to stick.

Perry shrugged and his eyes drifted off to his stack of library books that sat in a nice pile beside the record player.

“Do you really want to sit inside all day?” Linda asked with poorly hidden disappointment. “I know you have your hobbies and I have mine, but there must be something exciting you want to do?”

Perry blinked thoughtfully and rolled his eyes back to Linda, the prospect of excitement seemed lost on him. Previously, Candace had just figured that her uncle’s preference for sitting still and not doing anything, was because he was just a snoozy type of guy. But now she felt a sense of fear or apprehension. 
Why was it that her uncle didn’t do things for fun?

“I’ve had enough excitement for the rest of my life.” Perry signed after a moment. He seemed completely genuine, even if Candace couldn't remember her uncle ever doing  anything  cool.

“If you want you can come with me,” Linda offered, though Candace could already tell she doubted that Perry would pick her up on the offer. “We’re practicing our three-song rotation all day long.”

Perry exhaled in the way you do when you think something is kinda funny, but you’re not going to actually laugh at it.
“For four hours?” He signed carefully. “My life might be torture.”
Dad chuckled and Mom pouted. “I thought you said my music was good?"

“It is,” Perry signed with a kind expression. “But not three-songs-for-four hours-straight good.”

Linda hummed and crossed her arms. “Betrayed by my favorite man.” She grumbled dramatically.

“Hey!” Lawrence replied nervously, and he tugged at his wife's sleeve. “I’ll listen to you all day long! Why aren’t I your favorite?”

Mom chuckled and petted him kindly. “You’re my husband, you  have to  like my music. But I’m still trying to impress Perry.”

Perry knocked back his coffee, and for the first time, Candace got a good look at the dark shade that sat over his Adam’s apple. She hated that.

He set his cup down and scooted his chair back. “You can play it at my funeral,” Perry signed with an ironically raised eyebrow. He then got up from his chair to grab himself another coffee.
Candace leaned back in her chair, suddenly nervous. She watched her uncle pour himself a new cup of coffee. His waffle still sat untouched on his plate.

“First of all, I am older than you,  young man ,” Linda pointed out to Perry. “And second, if it’s your funeral you won’t hear the song!”

Perry turned and leaned against the kitchen counter with the coffee cup raised to his lips. His expression was amused, but there was a cold glint in his eyes. Perry chuckled as if he'd heard a joke and he placed his cup beside him. “I’m joking, I love your Jazz.”

Candace suspected that Perry had genuinely forgotten that he would probably outlive Linda. But why? Candace felt cold all over. Was Uncle Perry going to die?

“Excuse me!” Candace said and she left the table, Ferb and Lawrence watched her go but did not stop her. They probably assumed she needed the bathroom.

Instead, Candace snuck up the stairs. Her bare feet were blessedly silent on the carpeted steps. She secretly slipped into Perry’s room.

She was not allowed to be here, but she had a strong need, akin to her busting urges, to dig through his stuff and uncover what Perry was trying to hide.
She opened a drawer and looked inside, it was just a bunch of pens and papers. She quickly flicked through some folders at the bottom of the drawer. She'd just started thinking she needed to move on when she saw a folder with a formal-looking seal.

Curiously she pulled it out, it was quite thick and looked very official. A quick peek revealed it to be a testament.
Candace was only fifteen, so she wasn’t sure if it was normal for a man in his thirties to have one of those. She only knew what they were because of movies where people got killed, and they had theirs read out loud to a room full of relatives.
She decided not to read the entire thing and put it back.

Next, she looked through his bookcase, which looked fairly normal- you know, for a nerdy guy like Uncle Perry. Then she looked under his bed and immediately regretted it. With a red face, she turned around and decided that this had been a mistake, she’d learned nothing except that Perry had an underwear magazine under his mattress. 
She waltzed back towards the door, ready to flee the room, when a poorly closed desk drawer caught her attention.

Candace snuck one look at the door, but the whole family was still downstairs having breakfast. She sank to her knees and tried to pull the low drawer open. It was stuck on something, but she couldn’t pull it too hard because it could make too much noise. She didn’t want anyone (Perry) to know she was in here.

Instead, she leaned in close and peeked inside curiously. Something glimmered in there. She angled her head to let more light shine in, then she saw it.
There was a knife in the drawer. It was shiny and sharp. Not a kitchen or bread knife, but a big knife. A stabby one.

Candace didn’t like that at all, why did Perry have this? She decided to pull the drawer open further despite the way it groaned, her curiosity was bigger than her fear of being caught. If Perry exposed her, she could confront him with his knife.

The drawer opened another inch before it caught on something. Beside the knife was some sort of black rope, she tried to reach in, but could only graze it with her fingertips. After some plucking, she managed to grab it and pull it out. The rope must be quite long because she pulled for a bit before she reached an end.
Except it wasn’t an end. The rope had ripped, and only one little bit of string had remained between two ends and was fraying rapidly as she handled the rope. It must’ve snapped.

Candace looked at the rope in her hand. It must’ve been under a lot of weight to unravel like this. 

Under… Perry’s weight.

With shaking hands Candace brought the rope up to her own neck. Yes, hers wasn’t anything like Perry’s. His neck was wide, and hers was long and narrow but as she placed the rope against the paper-thin skin of her throat she had a vision in her mind of it fitting snugly around her neck and leaving a deep, dark, almost purple bruise against her skin.

With a start, Candace threw the rope back into the drawer and crawled backward until her shoulders hit the bed frame. She pressed her hands against her mouth because she was close to screaming.
She shook and trembled, but she did not cry. She was shocked, but she was also convinced.

Uncle Perry tried to hang himself with that rope , Candace thought to herself.

Uncle Perry tried to hang himself, but the rope had snapped.

Nervously, the girl wrapped her arms around herself and breathed. Deep breath in, hold it, and release it slowly. Just like Perry had taught her.
When he coached her on the technique for the first time, he had explained that sometimes he felt like he was in danger too.

She had to compose herself. The family was waiting for her downstairs.

Candace breathed one more time and slunk back downstairs. 

“Sweetie, do you want the rest of your waffle?” Linda asked as Candace sat back at the table. Her parents were still there, but Ferb, Phineas, and Perry had left.

Candace shook her head.

The waffle Linda had set aside for Perry was still here, he hadn’t even touched it.

“Mom? Where’s Perry?” Candace asked. Her voice shook despite her best efforts.

Linda immediately noticed and turned to her. “Candace, are you okay?”

Candace looked up at her mother, and she must’ve looked spooked because Linda immediately came closer and pressed a hand to her face. “You don’t look so good, Are you feeling sick?”

Candace shook her head again. She vaguely heard Dad scoot a little closer.

She swallowed carefully, but her throat was dry and sticky.

“Mom, Dad, I think Perry tried to commit suicide last night,” Candace's voice was just a little louder than a whisper. It wasn't something she could say out loud.

Lawrence and Linda exchanged a nervous glance, and then Linda pulled up a chair and held her daughter's hand. “And what makes you think that, honey?”

Candace shook her head minutely, and then, finally, tears filled her eyes. “Uncle Perry, he-” she swallowed thickly and tried again. “He’s got these….bruises.” Candace gestured at her own neck. “Right here.”

Her parents raised their eyebrows in surprise and looked at each other.

“And there’s a rope in his room.”

Lawrence leaned in close. “In his room?”

“He stuffed it into a drawer,” Candace whispered, and she felt a big tear roll down her cheek. “It’s broken. I think he tried to hang himself with it.”

Candace rarely felt like her parents took her very seriously. Maybe it’s because she’s fifteen, or maybe it’s because of the tricks Phineas and Ferb keep pulling. But they took her seriously now. 

Perry was in the living room, listening to Phineas excitedly explain something. The man looked at the boy calmly and nodded along to let him know he was listening.

Candace stood back as her parents peeked past the archway. The bruises were fairly obvious as soon as you knew they were there. Dad pressed his hand up against his mouth to stifle his gasp. “How have I missed this?” He asked his wife with wide eyes.

“They’re right there,” Linda agreed. She had gotten very pale. “I’m canceling everything.” She said suddenly. “We need to talk to him.”

***************

They’d lost him.

Somewhere between breakfast and lunch, Perry had disappeared. One minute he was lounging on the couch, the next he was gone.

Candace was immediately in hysterics, but Linda needed to keep a cool head. 
She’d just canceled band practice, and the other girls had asked her: 

"Why?" 

And 

"Is something wrong?"

Linda couldn’t think of a convincing lie. In the end, she’d declared a small family emergency and hung up.

She returned to the living room where Candace was lifting the couch cushions up as if a fully grown adult could just be sitting underneath.

“Candace, calm down. I’m sure he’s around here somewhere.” Linda lied with a casual tone that was so well acted she deserved an Oscar for it.

“He’s not upstairs, he’s not in his bathroom, he wouldn’t use any of the other ones. I’d ask Phineas and Ferb but, but… I can’t tell them what’s happening.” Candace's voice was shaky. The girl was fighting back tears.

“No, you shouldn’t.” Linda agreed as she made a mental list of places Perry could be.

“He took the car,” Lawrence announced as he stormed into the house from the garage. “The station wagon, it’s gone.”

“I asked him to do groceries,” Linda reminded the group. 

“Not the car!” Candace sobbed as she buried her face in her hands. Knowing her, she was probably imagining a skeleton with turquoise hair sitting in it.

“Now, now, Candace,” Lawrence shushed the girl and rubbed her shoulders. “Perry will be back soon with the groceries. He wouldn’t let us get hungry, now would he?”

Candace shook her head, which she was still holding between her hands.

“So let’s take a breath,” Lawrence said, and together they breathed in. “He’ll be right back.”
Over the girl’s shoulder, he shot his wife a panicked look. Linda understood. They were in way over their heads. They had no idea how to handle the situation.

“I’m going to google what to do. Lawrence, you keep an eye out for Perry. Candace…”

Candace finally looked up at her, desperate for guidance.

“I think you should stick with your brothers, let the adults handle this.”

The girl must’ve been really stressed because she didn’t even balk, disagree, or try to argue that she was also an adult. She just nodded and slipped into the backyard.

Candace was in such low spirits when she sank into a chair in the backyard that her brothers immediately took notice.

“What’s wrong Candace?” Phineas asked as he walked up with a frown. “Are you feeling alright?”

Candace nodded mutely.

Ferb watched her silently for a moment. “Is this because of Perry?” He asked directly. Ferb had always had a tendency to get straight to the point.

In reply, Candace just started sniffing.

Phineas immediately sprung into action and hugged Candace. “Wait,” He said uncertainly as he shot a confused look at Ferb. “What’s wrong with Uncle Perry? And where is he anyway?”

When Candace only sniffed louder in response, Phineas looked at his brother in panic.

Ferb was quiet for a moment as he looked at his siblings.

“I-” Ferb started awkwardly.

Candace looked up from her emotional breakdown and glared at Ferb. “You know?!” She hissed.

Ferb shrugged one shoulder awkwardly. “I think I saw what you saw?”

“What did you see?” Phineas asked curiously but was instantly ignored.

“You shouldn’t have seen what I saw, you’re twelve!” Candace said frustrated, she was supposed to protect her brothers from the hard truths of the world, but she couldn’t do that if Ferb was so gosh-darn perceptive.

“What did you see, Ferb?” Phineas asked.

“I’m not supposed to own eyeballs until I’m older?” Ferb huffed and he crossed his arms. “I saw, and I know you’re trying to bust Perry.”

“It’s not  busting! ” Candace said too loudly, and the boys were startled by her sudden outburst. “I’m trying to  help .” She amended and returned to crying. “But I don’t know if I can.”

Ferb watched her silently for a moment, as Phineas looked both confused by the turn the conversation had taken, and panicked because Candace cried sometimes, but not like  this.

Eventually, Ferb stepped up and also hugged his sister. “I’m sorry, you’re right.”

“Can someone tell me what happened? Now?!” Phineas asked in a frustrated tone.

Candace collected herself and accepted a tissue from Ferb.

The two older siblings glanced at each other.

Phineas was the world’s best little brother; he was sweet, attentive, and always wanted to help. But he was also a bit clueless, and despite only being one year younger than Ferb, Phineas was a kid at heart in a way that Ferb was not.
The two older kids wordlessly decided that they shouldn’t share the full truth with Phineas.
They didn’t know how he’d respond to the truth, but they weren’t ready to find out. One thing was for sure, Phineas wouldn’t take the news well.

They stalled awkwardly, and Phineas just frowned at them with his arms crossed.

“Uncle Perry…” Ferb explained awkwardly, as he searched for the right words.

“We think he’s feeling sick,” Candace explained gently.

Phineas' response was immediate, he looked worried, and a little bit scared. After all, Candace wouldn’t be crying like that if he just had a cold.

“What do you mean, sick?”

“Sick,” Candace repeated and her eyes begged Ferb for assistance.

“He’s feeling very bad,” Ferb agreed. “And we shouldn’t let him be alone too much, he might get too sad on his own.”

Phineas tapped the tip of his nose in thought and hummed. “Hmm, he did look a bit sick during breakfast. Ferb, I know what we’re going to do today!”

“Yes, good. If you see Perry alone, you should stick to him, you too Ferb.” Candace instructed in her most sisterly voice.

Ferb nodded seriously.

“So,” Phineas asked as he gazed around the garden. “Where is Perry, anyway?”

Candace’s shoulder drooped. “He left…”

“But if he’s feeling so bad, why did he leave?” Phineas couldn’t wrap his head around it.

“I’m sure he’ll be back soon,” Ferb reassured, but his carefully blank expression was troubled around the edges.

***************

Perry is one of those guys who insist they can carry all the groceries into the house at once. So, he kicked the door between the garage and the kitchen open with at least twenty pounds of food hanging from his arms.

His trip had taken roughly two hours; he didn't usually spend that much time in the grocery store, but he’d grabbed himself some Starbucks and wandered the book aisle. The new collection had come in.
After the amount of work he’d done the past few days he deserved it.

He’d barely left the garage when Ferb spotted him. Immediately the boy ran up and wrapped himself around Perry's midsection. Two lanky arms squeezed tight, preventing the uncle from stepping further into the house. Perry smiled at his predicament; on the one hand, he was now stuck. He couldn't walk because of Ferb, but he also couldn't hug back because his arms were full.

Normally, Perry announced his return to the house with two knocks, but he hadn’t even gotten to do that yet when he was intercepted by the boy.

After a moment Perry expected him to pull away and return to whatever he had been doing, but the boy held on tight.
This was unusual, Ferb was around the age where he started rebelling and acting like a teenager. Perry expected Ferb to think long family hugs would be lame, but apparently, he was wrong.

With some wiggling, Perry managed to put the groceries down. There were frozens in there that had to be moved into the freezer ASAP, but they would have to wait. 
Perry wrapped one arm around Ferb and used the other to mess with his already messy hair.
He patted Ferb’s back twice, and then the boy finally released his iron grip on his uncle's Love Händel t-shirt.

“Oh, there you are Perry!” Phineas announced loudly as he rounded the corner. His eyes sparkled with excitement and he ran up full speed and pressed himself next to his brother. Now Perry had two kids around his waist.
Perry gave up on his groceries. The bags were shoved aside before he sank through his knees, wrapped one arm around either boy and lifted them off the ground. Phineas giggled in delight.

Mid hug, Linda stuck her head into the room to check. She sighed in relief and walked up to the cuddle pile. 

"We found him, mom!" Phineas announced proudly as his uncle set him back down. Perry was strong, but his boys were growing too quickly to hold both of them up comfortably.

“No band?” Perry signed over Phineas’ shoulder. He’d expected her to be gone by now. He specifically did the groceries a bit early so that he could watch the kids when she was gone.

“No, something came up. We’ll practice another time.” 

Linda inspected Perry, but he didn’t seem any different from any other day. His hair was styled lazily, he was wearing his glasses, and he seemed content with the two boys clutching his arms. 
But, perhaps he wasn’t. Linda thought to herself. Maybe Perry had been hiding his true feelings for a long time. Of course he wouldn’t look any different than usual.
She noted that he did look tired. She just wasn’t sure if he was the sleepy kind of tired or the weary kind of tired.

Perry shook off the two boys and grabbed the grocery bags.

The kids helped him put the groceries away. Linda watched from a distance. The collar of his shirt partially hid the discoloration around his neck.

***************

Around noon, Perry settled into his favorite corner of the couch with a book. He was surprised when Ferb joined him and turned on the TV. The weather outside was pristine and not too hot for activities, so Perry wondered for a moment why the boy wasn’t out there.

Today was a bit weird, there was a strange atmosphere that Perry noticed to be unusual, but he couldn’t pin down what exactly was wrong.

Candace seemed to be spending time with Phineas today.

Perry poked Ferb with his toes. Ferb turned down the volume of his documentary and turned to his uncle.

The book was set aside. “You and Phineas okay?” Perry signed at him.

Ferb nodded.

“You want to be inside?” Perry checked the window again. Yep, still a beautiful day.

Ferb nodded again. He pointed at the screen, "It's shark week." Both nerds looked at the screen for a moment. There, a great white was swimming lazily towards the camera. The narrator was promising extreme drama and violence but Perry had seen enough Discovery Channel shows to know that would take at least another twenty minutes.

Perry nodded to himself and tried to remember if Ferb had paused a daytime activity before just because there was something on TV he wanted to watch. Ferb definitely knew how to use the recorder.
He looked at his nephew, something was off, but he couldn't quite figure out what.
The boys went to bed at the same time every evening. So, there was no clear reason why Ferb would be tired. Perhaps the boy was getting sick?

Perry pushed his toe against the boy's leg again and when Ferb looked he signed to him. 
“Sometimes doing nothing feels right. Just go back to Phineas when I bore you.” 

Ferb breathed for a moment as he thought. “Me and Phineas are separate people, we don’t have to do everything together. Sometimes I want to be with  you .”

Perry’s eyebrows twitched. Did the boys have a fight? Perry inspected Ferb closely but the boy wasn’t very expressive, he never was.

Just to be safe, Perry put his book on the side table and shuffled over to Ferb. He put one arm on the backrest as an invitation, and after a moment Ferb nestled against his side. Ferb wasn't the type of person to talk about troubles easily. He tried to work through them by himself, and if that didn't work he'd get mopy for a bit. 
This wasn't like that, Ferb was invested in his TV show, but he kept glancing at Perry.

“And what are you going to do today, Uncle Perry?” Ferb asked.

Perry looked at him for a moment, Ferb was being unusually chatty today. Maybe there was something he wanted to share, but he wasn't ready to do it yet?

“Nothing,” Perry signed. He pointed at his dent in the couch. That way, Ferb knew he could come and go whenever he wanted. When he was ready to tell Perry what was on his mind, he knew where to find him.

A small frown grew on Ferb’s face, but when Perry grabbed his book to continue reading, the boy turned his gaze back to the TV.

Perry had trouble focusing on his book, Ferb kept sneaking him glances.

***************

“Hello there my boy,” 

Just a few minutes after Ferb left the couch, Lawrence sat himself down in the chair next to Perry. He placed two teacups and a plate of biscuits on the table.

Perry glanced up from his novel and nodded.

“What are you reading there?” Lawrence grabbed himself a biscuit and looked over curiously.

Perry marked his spot and presented the cover. 

“ Lie down in darkness, ” Lawrence read the title out loud. He frowned a little. “I don’t think I know that one. What’s it about?”

Perry placed the book on the side table. “A historic novel about a woman whose family is horrible to her.” He signed and stirred the milky tea, it swirled lazily.

Lawrence inspected the cover some more. “Not a very light-hearted book is it?”

Perry shook his head. “I came across it by accident, and it reminded me of something.”

“Does it have a happy ending?”

Lawrence sometimes asked Perry about his reading, but he’d never cared for its tone that much before. Maybe he wanted recommendations? 

“I don’t think so,” Perry signed and he glanced at his bookmark, he wasn’t anywhere near the ending yet. “I think she dies.”

Lawrence looked thoughtful for a moment and then reached and laid his hand gently on Perry’s underarm. “I hope you know we never want you to feel that way.” 

Perry looked at where Lawrence touched him with confusion.

“We all love you very much.” Lawrence reminded Perry carefully.

Perry was a bit worried for his brother suddenly. So, Perry placed his hand over Lawrence's. “Thank you,” He signed awkwardly- his hands were strangely occupied for him to be having this conversation.

“What about the book appealed to you?” Lawrence suddenly changed the subject back to the book and released Perry to grab a second biscuit. Perry wasn’t sure what it would look like if someone were to eat nervously, but he had a feeling he was looking at it.

Perry looked at the dark-covered novel thoughtfully. “Family, good and bad. Does that make sense?” He signed.

Lawrence blinked and swallowed thickly. “Have you been thinking about Mary lately?” His voice was soft and so, so morose.

Perry pulled his hand back in surprise. Lawrence didn’t ask him about his former wife, Perry’s sister, often. Perry quickly calculated the date, but neither her birthday nor death anniversary were close. 
He blinked twice and brought his hand back to Lawrence's to pet him gently.

“I always think about Mary,” Perry confessed after he was done. “I miss her every day.”

Lawrence bit his lip and nodded. “Me too, my boy.”
His eyes were downcast. “She would be so happy to see the family we became.” 

Perry offered his hand to Lawrence, who held on tightly with one finger pressed lightly over Perry’s pulse. 

“It’s okay,” Perry signed slowly with his other hand. “We can love her still, even if she isn’t here.”

Lawrence nodded slowly and blinked. Perry had no idea what had him so upset all of a sudden. This morning he was all happy smiles and compliments. All Perry knew was that if he could comfort his brother, he would.

“I think,” Perry signed slowly, grasping for something sweet to say. “Mary would know we’re never truly separated. We can still be a family, even if we aren't together. Beside-,” He signed with the most gentle expression he could muster. 

It was summer, which meant that the whole family would fly to England soon to visit her grave, perhaps Lawrence had been booking the flight? It was around that time.

“-I’ll be with her soon,” Perry signed, thinking of her charming flower-covered gravestone and getting slightly misty-eyed.

Lawrence looked up at Perry suddenly, and Perry nodded consolingly and rubbed at Lawrence’s hand. 

“Sometimes it’s too painful to bear, isn’t it?” He signed before he pulled Lawrence in for an awkward hug over the couch’s armrest. Lawrence didn’t seem to mind and clung to Perry tightly.

“Let me help,” Lawrence stuttered into Perry’s shoulder. “You can always come to me.”

Perry nodded and held on tight. After a long moment, he pulled back and rubbed at his face harshly. Lawrence had gotten him all upset.

The younger brother took his book and stood up, before he left he messed up Lawrence’s hair.

Perry didn’t see the expression Lawrence wore when he left the room to collect himself, if he had, he would’ve realized instantly that something was wrong.

***************

Just because Doofenshmirtz gave him the day off, doesn’t mean that OWCA did too. 

Perry was in the kitchen, cooking dinner. It was almost done. He’d already set the table and was just waiting for the oven to chime when his watch beeped.

Perry peeked at the table, where Candace was sitting with a magazine. She was fairly close to him but if Perry slipped past the corner a little, he figured he could answer the call without her overhearing it.

Perry pressed a button, but the screen just instructed him to enter his secret lair. Perry sighed deeply, it was probably an assignment then.

The oven alerm chimed. Perry took his casserole out with oven mitts and put it at the center of the dining table, it looked stunning. It was such a shame that Perry probably wouldn’t get to eat any of his hard work.

He snapped his fingers at Candace to catch her attention.

“Hmm?” The girl said as she looked up from her page. It was teaching her about what boys really wanted out of a girlfriend. Perry didn’t care for that magazine, it made her insecure.

“Yell for dinner?” Perry requested kindly.

“Oh, sure,” Candace said and chucked the magazine aside. “HEY, DINNER TIME!” She shouted loudly, and from several corners of the house, people started moving. 
Perry passed behind her and collected his plate and cutlery and Candace’s magazine and took it into the kitchen.

He placed his plate back on the shelf, tossed that stupid magazine into the recycling, and subtly slipped out of the house to access his lair.

“Ah, Agent P. I’m glad you could join us so quickly.” Monogram said in greeting as Perry sank into his chair. In the corner, his spy suit and fedora were presented; freshly cleaned and pressed.

Perry saluted.

“We’re very sorry to interrupt your family day, but Agent V has requested assistance. She’s been surveilling the L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. headquarters for over 15 hours straight and has seen some troubling signs. It seems that they are about to have a meeting about the future of the tri-state area.”

On the screen, besides Monogram’s face cam was a smaller, grainier video feed showing the L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. headquarters. Several figures are seen entering it, with little pictures and extra information popping up beside it. 

“We need you in there pronto!” Monogram instructed. “Use your grappling hook to enter this air vent.” A blueprint depicted the path Perry would have to take. “And make sure you make off with information on every evil scheme these villains discuss. Good luck Agent P.”

Perry waved his arms at the screen, where Monogram seemed ready to sign off for the day.

“Hmm?” Monogram grunted in confusion when Perry caught his attention. “What is it, Agent P?”

“I need a new grappling hook,” Perry signed tiredly. “Mine broke.”
Monogram rubbed his chin in thought. “No can do, Agent P. We only issue one hook per agent per year.”

Perry stared at the camera blankly. 

“Just tie the ends back together. And lose some weight! Monogram out.”
The screen went black immediately, reflecting Perry’s irritated expression back at him.

First of all, Perry wasn’t even that heavy. Yes, he was muscular, but he was also fairly slim and not that tall. If he were to lose weight, he couldn’t be as strong. Also, he just  didn’t want to do that.

And second, if he tied the rope back together, it wouldn’t swing properly.

Perry sighed heavily and subtly flipped the screen off before suiting up and flying over to the L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. headquarters.

In the end, he decided to enter from the roof, that way he didn’t need a stupid, broken grappling hook.

***************

When Perry returned home it was almost five-thirty in the morning. The sun was already peaking over the horizon. He yawned silently as he kicked off his shoes and trudged up the stairs. The door to Linda and Lawrence’s bedroom was open, so Perry snuck by extra silently before he slipped into his room.

He didn’t even notice his drawers had been messed with, because he was too tired to. He undressed and crawled into his bed.

***************

Day 2, Tuesday

“Per-”

Perry groaned and pulled his pillow over his face. His room was bright, even through his stubbornly closed eyelids. It couldn't be morning already.

“Perry!"

The pillow was ripped out of his grasp.

“Perry! Don't put the pillow over your head!" Linda was unusually loud this morning.

Perry rested his head on his pillowless mattress. Reluctantly, he opened his eyes and found Linda beside his bed once again. A glance at the clock on the nightstand explained that it was seven in the morning. Again.

One and a half hours of sleep, no wonder he didn't feel good. 

"Perry, where were you last night?" Linda asked sternly.

Despite the drowsiness still clinging to Perry like a terrified koala, he was aware that Linda sounded mad. Normally she was kind enough to let him wake up first, but today she wore a deep frown.

Perry sat up a little and rubbed at his eyes.

"Perry." 

Perry turned to her with a slightly dazed expression. "What?" He shrugged.

"You can't just come and go as you please. You didn't tell anyone where you'd gone." Linda had her arms crossed in the way she did when she tried to be stern.

Perry frowned in confusion.

He was a grown man and had been for years. There'd been some irritation in the past because he sometimes disappeared, but in the end, everybody had agreed that Perry was free to go whenever and wherever he wanted. So, why was Linda upset with him now? 
He served dinner and disappeared, which was a bit rude, but he'd done it before and the family had only expressed disappointment, not frustration.

"Sorry," Perry signed by circling his heart.

"No, not just  sorry. " Linda huffed. "You got us all worried that something had happened. I couldn't sleep. You were out long past midnight. And when you finally did return, you just snuck in silently and pretended nothing's happened."

Perry rose from the bed and offered Linda a hug. To his relief, Linda wasn't so angry that she didn't immediately hug him back.
His arms slotted comfortably around her shoulders.

Perry yawned silently as he rocked her side to side before letting go.

"Some friends were making plans, I had to go." Perry signed with shaky hands.
He looked at them. Wow, he thought to himself. He really hadn't slept at all last night.

"Next time you go somewhere, you have to let someone know," Linda said as she looked at his hands. ?
She also looked tired.

As Perry arrived at the breakfast table there was another round of hugs. At that point, he was too tired to realize that was strange. He simply hugged everybody back, even Candace, who hadn't hugged him since her birthday.
Today was eggs on toast for breakfast.

Perry wondered if he was going to have to eat breakfast at 7 AM every day from now on. The mere thought of it made him sigh deeply. He grabbed himself an extra big mug of coffee. He didn't want eggs, it was too early. He'd make himself something in a few hours, once he's more awake.

Eventually, everybody left the table. Lawrence remained and offered Perry a cup of tea, but he was still working on his coffee. When that was finished Perry wandered over to the living room and lay down on the couch. He was still in his boxers and a t-shirt, so he was ready to take a nap.

"Perry?" Linda asked before he even had the chance to close his eyes.

As she wandered into the living room, Perry heaved himself into a sitting position. He tried not to look like he didn't want to be here, but he was too tired to really pull it off.

"The lawnmower is broken, would you go with me to get a new one? You know what's best for our grass." Linda asked as she twirled the car keys around her fingers.

Perry tried to get up from the couch and immediately almost toppled over. When he'd laid down on the couch his body immediately agreed that this was the right thing to do, so when he got back up his knees buckled. 

Linda carelessly chucked the keys aside to help and grabbed Perry tightly as he stumbled.
"My god, Perry," Linda gasped as she heaved the man upright. "You don't look so good."

Perry chuckled awkwardly. He hadn't expected to be so tired that he'd get clumsy. Then again, before last night, he hadn't been sleeping that much either.
"I'm going to lie down," Perry signed and gestured in the direction of his bedroom.

"Yeah, I'll buy a lawnmower another time." Linda agreed. "Get to bed, I'll bring you something to eat in a little bit."

Perry smiled gratefully and turned to climb the stairs. He didn't even remember lying down, he fell asleep almost immediately.

He had no idea how much time had passed when he awoke. All he knew was that there was an insistent beeping coming from his wrist. He stuffed his arm under his pillow, but the muffled chime of his watch was loud enough to rouse him. Perry reluctantly rolled over and checked his watch.

Apparently it was Doofenshmirtz time. Agent P sat up and figured that Doof would be polite enough to wait for him to take a shower first. Halfway through his shower, his watch started beeping at double speed. So Perry dried off, got dressed, and left for work.

***************

Agent Platypus entered the DEI lair through the roof. Literally. He punched a hole into the ceiling- right next to the hole he punched last Sunday. Since this is probably the same scheme, he figured it would be safe to just stick to similar story beats.

"Ah, Agent P." Heinz chuckled menacingly as he heard the agent land on the floor "How predictable of you to drop i- Wait. Wait, wait. You made a new hole?! I left that hole there so you didn't need to create a new one, and you made one anyway?! Ugh, you know ceiling tiles don't grow on trees right?" Doofenshmirtz turned from the inator- it was the same one as Sunday- and crossed his arms. 
He pouted at his ruined ceiling for a moment before he took out his remote and activated the trap. It was also the same. Perry could've easily jumped to the side but that didn't seem like good sportsmanship to him.

So there he was (again,) trapped. It was a simple trap; handcuffs attached to a large hook on the ceiling. Perry's feet dangled just an inch from the floor. It wasn't the most comfortable trap, and since Perry had heard the monologue before, he knew he'd be hanging here for at least four minutes. 
Doofenshmirtz was usually nice enough to create a more comfortable trap if there was a musical number, but today's frustration was a small discomfort, not a deep childhood trauma.

"One second Agent P, I need to add more ceiling tiles to my shopping cart." Doofenshmirtz turned to his PC and spent a few seconds clicking.
"Do you think six tiles will be enough for the second hole?" He asked as he looked between his screen and his punctured ceiling.

Perry craned his neck to check, but with his hands tied he couldn't do much more than nod or shake his head. 

"Alright, that's done. now..." Heinz hummed a little tune as he closed the web page. "Agent Platypus, how rude of you to drop in...again. But you've come just in time to  behold!  My spoilt-lettuceinator!"

Doofenshmirtz gestured proudly at the exact same machine he'd presented before. "Now be honest, Agent P, do you want the whole spiel again?" 
The inventor wandered over to the agent, still talking, but no longer monologuing. "Because if you want you can escape the trap now and we can get straight to the-"

Perry had craned his neck up to see the cuffs as he wormed his way out of them. But then Heinz had suddenly stopped talking... That was never a good sign.

Heinz was just a few feet away, he wore a troubled expression. "You look like shit," He pointed out without a hint of hesitancy.

Perry's hands were tied, so he could not sign. He hoped his shocked and offended expression managed to convey how he did  not  want to hear that, especially from  Heinz Doofenshmirtz , whose hair was standing straight up today.

"No, I'm not being mean, you look like absolute dogshit." Heinz reiterated as he stepped closer to inspect his nemesis.
"Mein Gott, did I really do that?" Heinz wondered and he lifted one hand to angle Perry's chin delicately up and to the side. "That's gruesome. It's been two days."

Perry awkwardly tried to check Doofenshmirtz's expression, but the other man was angling his face away. His hold was delicate, so Perry could have easily pushed the hands away if he wanted to.

"Let me put you down," Heinz spoke softly but with how close they were the words rang clearly in Perry's ears. Heinz's long fingers slid down Perry's jaw, along the muscular lines of his neck before they disappeared when they reached his collar. Perry angled his head back down, tracking Heinz's path back to his desk with dark and curious eyes.

A moment later the handcuffs sprang open and Perry's shoes landed back on the shiny tiled floor with a click. The agent rolled his shoulders and rubbed his wrists and before he knew it, Doofennshmirtz was invading his personal space again.

"I tried to give you a day off, but you don't look well-rested," Heinz said as he inspected the other man closely.

"Mission" Perry signed, he had to lift his hands up higher for Heinz to see, that's how close they stood.

The inventor hummed and slipped one heavy arm onto Perry's shoulder to lead him to a worktable. "Of course they did," Heinz sighed as he deposited Perry on a stool.

Heinz tugged on the rim of Perry's fedora before he carefully flipped the hat back a little to take a closer look. "If it wasn't for the hat I'd barely recognize you."

Perry's expression shifted into exasperation; he wouldn't recognize him anyway.

"You look exhausted, and you haven't shaved," Heinz noted.

Perry wondered to himself why he was allowing the other man to do this to him. He couldn't figure it out, but he also didn't feel like interrupting the man.

Heinz leaned in even closer. His warm breath rolled over Perry's skin, sending goosebumps down his spine. To Perry's great surprise, the man inhaled deeply.
"You're not wearing your cologne, but you do smell like your soap." 

Perry turned his head in surprise, Heinz knew what he  smelled  like?

He suddenly felt very self-aware. Heinz had moved his fedora back, but he hoped he wouldn't take it off completely, because Perry hadn't had time to fix his hair either, under the hat sat a curly, unruly mess.

"Did you come straight from another mission?" Heinz asked with a little frown.

Perry shook his head.

"Well, at least that's something. Have you slept?"

Perry flipped his sleeve back to check his watch. "Three hours."

"I woke you? I should really inject that tracker I made into your bloodstream."

Perry pulled a wide-eyed face at that.

"Oh calm down, Agent P. It doesn't track your  location  it just tracks your  vitals, energy- and adrenaline levels ." Heinz said the last part of the sentence too quickly as if that would change anything.

"That's not better!" Perry tried to sign, but Doof had already distracted himself.

"I shouldn't have mentioned the nano-tracker," Heinz mumbled to himself, tapping his chin and glancing at a cabinet that probably held the tracker.

The agent followed his nemesis' gaze and made a mental note to check it later.

"It's just because I worry sometimes, Agent P. And when I'm worried I can't focus on my inators, and if I don't build an inator you don't come by, and when you don't come by I can't check on you and I worry more! ...Does that make sense to you?"

Perry ignored how sweet that was in a roundabout way, and focused on looking stern. He nodded because stalker logic is still logic.

"Oh. Good." Heinz continued, only now catching onto the fact that he might have spilled more than he'd wanted to. 
"It's good for you too, because you get to thwart me more, and that looks good on your record, right? Monogram will definitely promote you if you let me inject a nano tracker into your body." Heinz concluded his argument by wringing his hands and pulling an uncertain expression.

Perry looked at his nemesis skeptically.

"You're right, Agent P. Monogram wouldn't give anyone a raise and we both know it." 

Even if Perry wasn't ready to let the tracker thing go, he did lean over a little to pat Doofenshmirtz's shoulder.

"Thank you agent Platypus," Heinz mumbled.

A moment of silence passed.

Agent P awkwardly waited for Heinz, but Heinz was not as forthcoming as normal.

Perry cleared his throat.

"Hmmm? Yes Agent P?" Heinz asked as he was snapped out of his contemplation.

Perry pointed at the inator.

"Oh! Do you want to continue? Yes, Alright. I'll take my spot." Heinz said with a happy little bounce before he scurried back to the exact spot he'd been in when he got distracted by Perry's unsightlyness. The agent still hadn't fully recovered from the hit his ego had taken.

Heinz fixed his lab coat and turned his back to the room. 

"Are you ready, Agent P?"

... 

Perry did not know how Heinz expected him to reply to that.

...

Doofenshmirtz decided he was sick of waiting so he turned around, raised his hands over his head, and bellowed; "Behold! the spoilt-lettuce-inator! With this machine, I will destro-"

Doof had apparently forgotten he'd released Perry from his trap. Agent P used this to his advantage to run up and karate shop Heinz in the shoulder.

First, Perry learned a fun new German word that was not suited for polite conversation, and then he got a titanium fist to the face.
It was a good fight, there was shouting (Heinz,) some great kicks (Perry,) and not a single hand wrapped around anyone's throat.

On top of that, Perry managed to topple the inator over right when it exploded, so it destroyed not only the dangerous machine but also the cabinet where Heinz apparently stored intrusive nanotechnology.

As the dust settled, Perry adjusted his tie and waistcoat.
Heinz was still on the floor, flat on his back. He was looking at his ruined furniture with his lips pressed into a frustrated pout. "You did that on purpose, didn't you, Agent P?"

Perry offered his nemesis a hand and nodded.

Heinz sighed before climbing to his feet. "I'd smack you for that, but the fight is already over. Now where am I going to store all my small parts?

Perry shrugged.

"Really useful, thank you," Doof grumbled.

Perry hesitated for a moment. "Buy a new one?"

"Well obviously! But then I have to go to a store, pick a cabinet, bring it back- because we both know delivery takes AGES in Danville, who is always clogging up the system by ordering an insane amount of things in this town?!" 

Perry pointed at Heinz.

"I mean beside me!"

Perry nodded contemplatively. He knew but he wouldn't tell Doofenshmirtz.

"When will I even find the time?" Heinz grumbled as he kicked at the smoldering remains of his cabinet.

The agent checked his watch, it was barely past noon, so he tugged on Heinz's sleeve and presented his hourglass.

"Agent P!" Heinz exclaimed happily. "You'll go to IKEA with me to buy a new cabinet?"

No, that's not what Perry meant, but that didn't seem to matter, because a few minutes later he was seated beside Heinz in his van as he drove them to the nearest IKEA.
He had hoped to spend some time at home today, Linda needed a lawnmower (he was sure IKEA didn't have those) and he wanted to figure out why his family had been acting so weird.

Perry was sure he'd be okay. He was going to be back home in no time.

It was one cabinet, how long could it take?

***************

Perry was exhausted, and hungry, and also pushing a shopping cart that was holding at least forty items, but not a single cabinet. They hadn't reached those yet.

Heinz was having fun at least. Conversation was comfortable, and he genuinely wanted Perry's input on which color throwpillow Vanessa would like the best. Perry pointed at a midnight blue pillow that Heinz hadn't even seen yet and then smiled tenderly as the man grabbed it and announced it to be perfect.

One meatball break later they finally managed to collect a new cabinet from the self-serve furniture area.

Perry greatly enjoyed watching Doofenshmirtz trying to figure out the perfect way to pack all his new additions into his van.
When they buckled their seatbelts a little while later Perry was handed the pillow he'd selected, to hold onto during the drive. 
Halfway through the drive back home, Heinz looked over and found his nemesis napping with the pillow tucked against his chest. 

He smiled and turned the radio down to a low murmur.

****

Perry woke slowly. There were soft voices somewhere in the room, after a moment he realized they came from a TV.

"Rodrigo, I cannot be with you. You killed my brother!" A woman whispered in Spanish.

"Rosa, I did that for you!" Rodrigo said with poorly acted passion.

Perry's eyebrows squeezed together a little bit. How had he ended up here?
He was warm and cozy and curled up on a couch. Under his head was a pillow that smelled slightly chemically and new, it must be the pillow they'd bought at the IKEA.

Socked feet were barely audible as they came closer. The sound of a mug being placed on the coffee table alerted him of Heinz's presence. 

Perry opened his eyes. The curtains were drawn. From a gap between, the fading sunlight of the evening sunset colored the walls into vivid pinks and purples. The apartment smelled like dinner.
Between him and the television was Heinz, sans lab coat. He held a mug, the other waited for Perry on the table.

"Oh, agent P. Did I wake you?" Heinz asked when he noticed his nemesis stirring.

Perry rubbed at his eyes and yawned. He shook his head no. 

"Oh good, because I was trying to be stealthy. I'm not as good at it as you are, of course. That would be crazy. But you looked so peaceful, so I tried to be extra silent." Heinz murmured over the sounds of the TV.

If Perry closed his eyes again, he might just fall right back asleep.

Heinz had tucked an afghan over Perry, who was also shoeless and jacketless. How deep had his slumber been for all these things to happen? Unless Perry was in his own bed he had a tendency to get woken up by everything and anything; birds, footsteps, a change in the air. 

So how?

"Move over, Agent P. I haven't seen the end of this episode yet." Doofenshmirtz adjusted Perry's legs without fear of being kicked and sat at the other end of the couch.

Perry rested his toes against the warm fabric of Heinz's trousers and debated with himself if he should allow himself to stay. After a moment of contemplation, he sat up.
His fedora sat on the armrest. Perry felt a bit self-conscious as he tried to move a hand through his hair but it got snagged by a pretty impressive tangle.

Heinz watched him extract his fingers from the messy curls with a satisfied smile. 
Perry shot him a glance as a warning, but despite Heinz's smile growing more smug, he refrained from commentary.

"I'm making lasagna, would you like some, Agent P?" Heinz only pretended to watch his show. He also pretended to be casual when he scratched his jaw.

Perry shouldn't. 
He should go home. 
He checked his watch. 
He'd already missed dinner at home. 
Heinz made really good lasagna.
Why would he deny himself a nice meal? Heinz obviously made a large portion, hoping to share it with someone. 
How could Perry deny him such simple pleasure?

Perry stayed for dinner.

He also stayed for dessert.

Then he spent five minutes laughing silently as he watched his nemesis struggle with the BESTÅ instructions.
How Heinz managed to rope him into building a cupboard with him, Perry didn't quite know. But after an embarrassingly long time building, two (physical) fights, and a dance break, the new storage solution was constructed and tucked away in a dark corner.

Perry watched Heinz put the drawers in place with a satisfied little smile.

"And done! We should never build furniture together again, Agent P. That was the closest you ever got to trying to pluck my eyes from my skull. I think IKEA might be more evil than I am. Next time I trap you, I'll just trap you in deconstructed furniture. This took you way longer the figure out than my traps normally do." 

Heinz was making himself giggle, Perry just accepted the teasing and grabbed his jacket.

"Oh, your jacket?" Heinz asked, as his giggling faded away. "I suppose it is time for you to go now, huh?"

Perry nodded. 

"Yes, I kept you quite a lot longer than I normally do. I hope you didn't mind?" Heinz wrung his hands nervously.

Perry smiled kindly and placed one hand over Heinz's to stop the fidgeting.

"Thank you for your help, Agent P." Heinz gestured at the IKEA spoils that were strewed around the room, ready to be put away properly. "I know I shouldn't tell you that I had a lot of fun... But I had a very nice day."

Perry smiled. He wouldn't tell the other man, but today was a more relaxing day than the last few weekends had been.

"So, I will see you tomorrow, Agent P. Now go! No more goodbyes! shoo!"

Perry allowed himself to be shooed to the basement garage, where his motorcycle was waiting. As he drove home he wondered how Heinz would have a new inator ready tomorrow if he'd spent all evening building an IKEA cabinet. And then he wondered why the cabinet took longer to construct than most inators apparently did.

***************

When Perry turned into his street, he realized that he'd once again disappeared for an entire day. He wondered if he'd find an angry Linda at the foot of his bed again come morning. She'd never given him a curfew before, seeing as he is an adult man.
If it happened again Perry would have to talk to her, but when he parked his motorcycle in the driveway as quietly as he could, he checked his watch and was reminded that conversations would have to wait for another day. It was late enough that Linda would be getting ready for bed, but not so late that she could accuse him of being out all night.

Perry peeked in through the front door and found the house to be completely dark and silent. He heaved a sigh of relief. It felt like he was 16 again, sneaking around behind Lawrence's back.

Perry silently climbed the stairs. Before he reached his bedroom, the bathroom door opened a little and Lawrence peeked out.
"Oh, there you are, Perry," Lawrence said softly.

Perry shot him some finger guns and shut his bedroom door behind him.
His nap had been lovely, so he figured he could stay awake a little while longer and read a book.

Instantly, Perry realized his plans would have to be changed because there was a sleeping Ferb in his bed. Perry grabbed his door handle, twisted it, and left the door ajar. This way some light could spill in, and Ferb knew he could leave whenever he wanted to.

Perry found a shirt to sleep in and slipped into bed. Ferb grumbled in his sleep and rolled into his uncle's embrace. Now he had no choice but to go to sleep.
The uncle hadn't expected himself to be tired enough to fall asleep quickly, but that is what ended up happening.

***************

Day 3 Wednesday

Wednesday started with not one, but two boys shaking him awake. "It's our turn to make breakfast!" Phineas announces happily.

Perry blinked, yawned, and tried to figure out if Phineas had just come in to announce breakfast, or if he'd joined them sometime during the night.

It was six in the morning, which meant he was somehow being manipulated into  preparing  breakfast that day. But, since Perry had finally managed to catch up on his sleep, this didn't bother him too much.

What did bother him, was Linda snatching the knife from his hands, right when he was about to cut the fruit. 

Next, Perry tried to open the bacon packaging, but Phineas grabbed the scissors right when he reached for them and enthusiastically set to work destroying the packet.

In the end, Perry poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down with a sigh. He rubbed some sleep from his eyes and watched lazily as his family worked in the kitchen.

Too many cooks and all that.

After breakfast, Perry tried to get back upstairs to finally wash his hair and shave, but he was intercepted by Lawrence, who insisted they sat at the table with a cup of tea.

Perry had some tea and listened to Lawrence enthusiastically prattle on about vintage Tiffany-style lamps for a while. (Perry didn't mind, they are beautiful lamps after all) before breaking free and sprinting up the stairs.

Perry figured he'd finally have some time for himself, only to be cornered by Candace immediately. She needed help hanging a poster that Perry had bought for her several months ago.

He hung the poster to Candace's extremely specific instructions.

Okay, NOW he has some time for himself. Except there was Ferb, who pulled him into the garden to sort through a bucket of mixed screws, bolts, and nails with him and Phineas. It was actually a very pleasant activity.

Once they were done, Perry tried to get into his hammock, only for Linda to open the sliding door. He heard her ask the boys where he was right when he turned the corner and plastered himself against the side of the house, out of view.

What was going on today? Was it national keep your uncle busy day?!

Perry sighed and decided there was only one place left where he would not be disturbed. It felt ridiculous to break into his own house through the window, but if that was what was necessary to have some peace and quiet, then he would do it.

So Perry snuck to the roof with a book and enjoyed some time alone. Finally.

***************

"There you are, Perry!" Phineas shouted as he stuck his head out the attic window.

The boy grabbed onto the windowsill and carefully climbed up onto the roof. Perry immediately scooted over and grasped the boy's arm tight. He wanted to tell Phineas to stay back, that the roof was no safe place for a kid, but since he seemed determined to join him, Perry held on instead. 

Phineas seemed content to have Perry steady him as he carefully crawled over. He seemed nervous as he checked the edge of the roof. Perry wondered why he was here if it scared him.

"Don't let go," Phineas said softly as he stepped into the safe embrace of Perry's arms. His legs were a bit wobbly with nerves.
Perry settled Phineas on his lap and locked both arms around him. This way Phineas couldn't see his face if they talked, but Perry could still sign. His little hand held onto the fabric of Perry's shirt tightly.

"Why are you here?" Perry signed slowly- the movement of his arms was limited like this.

“I should be asking you the same thing!” Phineas interjected nervously. “The roof is not a chair.”

“Clouds,” Perry pointed out. Phineas looked up to see. They were beautiful. The late afternoon sunlight gave the fluffy thick clouds a yellow and pinkish hue. 

“They do look very pretty. But you can see them just fine from the ground,” Phineas bent his head back to look at his uncle. 

Perry pulled his eyes from the spectacle in the sky and made eye contact. He smiled kindly at the boy. Yes, he had been trying to avoid his family for a bit, but Phineas seemed troubled and Perry would  always  be there for him.
He shrugged and rubbed his thumb over where he was holding onto Phineas’ arm.

When his uncle didn’t answer, Phineas looked down again for just a moment, only to crawl deeper into Perry’s embrace when he saw how far down the ground really was.

He was silent for a moment.

“Candace thinks you’re going to jump off the roof,” Phineas admitted, his voice was small and scared.

Perry ripped his gaze from the clouds, frowned, and looked down. Phineas was still clutching him, but he had turned towards Perry and was searching his face with terrified, tear-filled eyes.
“They say because you’re feeling sick,” Phineas explained.

Perry shook his head and pulled Phineas in closer to rub his back and shush him. His hands were busy, and he wasn’t going to let Phineas go from his embrace. But he had to figure out a way to convey that he wouldn’t  ever  do such a thing.
So he pressed his nose into Phineas’ cheek and rocked him.

“Please don’t jump,” Phineas cried softly, and Perry’s heart broke. 

Why the boy was terrified, Perry didn’t know, but whatever it was, he was going to have to set the record straight. Whatever Candace was imagining, she was wrong. But if she had scared Phineas this badly then Perry was pretty sure this wasn’t some joke gone wrong.

Perry rubbed Phineas’ back and shook his head some more. He would keep shaking his head for hours if that was what helped the boy feel better. What he really needed was a chance to explain, but Phineas needed soothing and they were on a sloped roof, his hands weren’t free.

Eventually, Phineas sniffled loudly and pulled back a little. Perry couldn’t cope with those water-clogged blue eyes, they were usually so cheery. How had this happened?!

Perry carefully maneuvered Phineas -who had been so brave to come to talk to Perry despite his fear- so that one of his hands was free.
“I’ll never jump,” Perry slowly explained. “Don’t be scared.”

“But Candace said-” Phineas started with a wavery voice. 
Perry shushed him kindly and signed. “Candace was wrong. I’m not sick.”

This sickness Phineas alluded to made Perry wonder. But he could do simple maths, and ‘sickness’ + ‘roof jumping’ = suicide.
Perry tried to remember the last few days. Had he been especially negative? Had he alluded to depression in any way? Suddenly, the clinginess of his family made sense. Was this why Lawrence tried to talk to him all the time?
Whatever had happened; this was going to be an interesting evening. Perry sighed to himself.

“I’m up here to have some alone time,” Perry explained. “Glad you’re here,” He added, because he knew Phineas was sensitive and because he was happy the boy came to him if the whole family was conspiring behind his back because of a misunderstanding.

“But Ferb told me we can’t let you be alone anymore,” Phineas explained. “We’ve been trying to keep you here all day.”

Perry smiled a little. “Is that so?” That explained everything. The boy’s weird behavior, Candace’s elevated nerves, and the sudden change in rules.

“We can only keep you safe if we know where you are at all times,” Phineas recited. This was clearly something said to him by one of the adults or Candace.

“Let’s go talk to them.” Perry signed. Phineas nodded and then looked at Perry nervously. “Please help me down.”

Perry melted a little, nodded, and cradled Phineas to his chest as he carefully shuffled to the window. He made sure Phineas was looking away from the edge of the roof as he turned and lowered himself effortlessly back into the attic space.

“What’s that noise?” Phineas asked as Perry placed him back on his feet.

They both held their breaths for a moment to listen. Some sort of muffled banging came from below.

Perry placed one hand on Phineas’ shoulder to call his attention. “Did you lock the door?”

“Yeah!” Phineas admitted cheerfully. “Should I not have?” He continued as he saw his uncle grimace.

Perry sighed, readied himself for whatever shitshow might follow, and told Phineas that everything was fine.
When they scaled down the ladder into the storage space the banging got louder and Linda’s voice, muffled by the door, was calling out to them.

Perry waved his hand a little at Phineas, encouraging him to say something back before they opened the door.

“Mom!” Phineas shouted back.

A moment of silence as Linda processed. “Phineas! Are you there?! Let me in, right now!”
Linda rarely got mad, not even with Candace. So for her to sound close to furious now, meant that the woman was worried sick. Which did not bode well for Perry.

Perry released the lock and opened the door carefully, only to immediately have Linda barge in. She started shouting something, only to make eye contact with an awkwardly smiling Perry. For a moment she paused.

“Oh thank god,” she groaned and wrapped her arms around Perry so tightly he might end up dead anyway.
“Oh, Perry. Perry come here.” If he thought Phineas held on tightly on the roof, then he was about to be surprised, because Linda clutched to him like he might disappear at any moment.

Perry released Phineas’ hand and hugged Linda back, softly rubbing between her shoulder blades. After a moment he tried to pull back, but Linda didn’t let him.
“Don’t you ever scare us like that again,”
Now she was crying too. This was never supposed to happen.

Eventually, Perry grew tired of her clutching and pushed her -gently- backward. “We should talk.” He signed.

The woman started stammering, but Perry shook his head. “everybody,” he added and went downstairs. He ignored the congregation of Flynn-Fletcher’s looking nervous in the kitchen and sat at the dining table.
He waved everybody over, and with an unusual silence, everybody took a seat.

Everybody at the table was staring at him, and now that Perry knew what had been bothering them, it was obvious how upset everybody was.

Ferb was fidgeting, something he rarely ever did, as he stared at Perry silently.

Candace’s hair was a greasy mess. It was as if she had been moving it around a lot, and her nails were short in a way they hadn’t been for years.

Lawrence looked composed at first glance, he was the person in the family who always stayed calm despite everything. Except that he was tapping his foot and struggling not to grab Perry for comfort.

Linda sat with Phineas on her lap. Only the youngest boy looked calm, but only because Perry had already comforted him on the roof.

“Why do you all think I’m suicidal?” Perry signed at everybody around the table.

“Well, you see, chap...” Lawrence started awkwardly.

“You tried to hang yourself, don’t even try to deny it! Candace interjected hysterically.

Perry looked at her incredulously. “WHAT?”

“You, you got the bruises on your neck!” Candace pointed out with a broad sweep of her hand.

Perry’s hand shot to his throat, where he rubbed at his skin gently. Had the bruises really been that obvious? Perry hadn’t even given them a second thought.

“And the Rope, you hid the rope in your desk," Candace continued. "But I found it. Which, by the way, thank god! Uncle Perry, we’re so glad it failed, because you wouldn’t be here right now. And we can’t be a happy family without you, and-” Candace was working herself up as she spoke; fat tears were leaking from her eyes, and she didn’t even try to wipe them away.
Nobody was doing anything about it. So, Perry panicked, shot up from his chair, and hugged the bawling, snottering teenage girl to his chest.

Perry wasn’t sure if the moisture on his shirt was tears or worse, by at this moment it did not matter. How had things gotten this bad without him noticing? Perry shushed Candace and looked wildly around the table. Once Candace was capable of breathing, Perry stepped back and signed as clearly as he could.

“I am not suicidal. I love my life. I love you all. This was a mistake.”

“You’re sure?” Linda asked, as she scooted closer to Candace and helped her clear her hair from her face. It was sticking a little.

“I can’t believe this happened,” Perry clarified. “The rope just broke.”

“On Monday you said life was torture,” Linda reminded him with a little frown between her eyebrows. 

Perry looked at her skeptically. “You mean Monday morning at 7AM?”

Linda crossed her arms. “So you were being sarcastic?”

“Obviously, Yes!” Perry signed wildly. “Candace is dramatic on Mondays all the time!”

“But you’re showing symptoms of depression,” Ferb announced, and Perry turned his head to him. 

“I do?” 

Ferb nodded before counting on his fingers. “Lack of appetite, sleeping the day away, lack of purpose, dizziness, shaky hands, and obsession with death.”

Perry angled his head in thought. “I’m not obsessed with death.”

“Your reading list is all books about young people dying,” Ferb explained. Perry frowned as he thought about that. “They’re good books though,” He explained.

“Okay, but what about the other symptoms?” Linda intervened before Perry could sink too deep into the literary discussion. Once Perry got started about books it was a bit hard to change the subject on him. And this conversation was too important to get derailed. “You didn’t eat on Tuesday and slept all day Wednesday.”

“I went out for dinner Tuesday night, didn’t go to sleep till five in the morning,” Perry explained, and realization grew on Linda’s face.

“And then I woke you up at seven,” She agreed.

“I fell asleep because I was dead tired,” Perry explained. When he signed the ‘dead’ he realized he shouldn’t have, because everybody’s face did a weird scrunchy thing.
He cleared his throat awkwardly. “Sorry, wrong word.”

“So the shaky hands?” Candace asked, her voice was still a bit thick.

“Just tired,” Perry agreed. 

"You," Lawrence added with a soft voice that was so unlike him, that Perry shot him a nervous glance. He really did look awful. "You said you'd be with Mary soon." Lawrence was unable to establish eye contact, he was too busy fighting back tears.

Perry looked at him in disbelief. "I meant in England," He signed clearly. "Not in HEAVEN!"

The entire table was silent for a moment as they let that sink in. 

“This all makes a lot of sense, my boy,” Lawrence agreed. “But what about the bruising? And don’t you dare say that was an accident because I won’t leave this table till you explain exactly what's happened.”

Perry sat himself back down in his chair and rubbed at his forehead. He couldn’t really explain he was fighting an evil scientist who was trying to take over the city. But he hated lying, except perhaps...
He perked back up and looked at Linda and Lawrence.
Perhaps he could tell the truth.

He rolled his shoulders and released the breath he’d been holding.
First, he took a long look at Lawrence, then at Linda.

“Kids, I need to talk to Mom and Dad,” Perry signed. He was very tired suddenly. “Alone,” He added.

“Nu-uh, I deserve an explanation just as much as them,” Candace disagreed and crossed her legs defiantly.

Perry just shook his head at her.

“Candace, if we’re going to clear up this misunderstanding we must give Perry space to talk to us,” Linda explained calmly.

“But Mom!” Candace grumbled and stomped at the kitchen tiles.

“Oh come on Candace,” Phineas said tiredly as he and Ferb waited in the door opening. “Clearly Perry isn’t going to talk if we’re here, right Ferb?”

Ferb nodded.

“Besides, are you really going to sit there and wait? This is  Perry  we’re talking about! He can sit there and wait for  hours .” Phineas gestured with his hands to explain the size of Perry’s patience.

“But, but,” Candace stuttered. She looked at her parents for assistance, but they didn’t budge. “Your brothers are right Candace,” Lawrence said honestly. “As long as it takes.”

She turned to Perry, but he just looked smug.

Candace sighed dramatically and slumped out of her chair. “fiiine,” she said. “But don’t think I won’t figure this out.” On her way out she slammed the kitchen table to display her displeasure with the situation.

Silence returned to the room as they listened to Candace storm off dramatically.

“Five dollars says she’s turning around and sneaking back,” Linda said with knowing eyes.

The men agreed.

After a moment Linda and Lawrence pulled their chairs closer together and leaned in, united in support of Perry.

Perry leaned heavily on his elbows and rubbed at his face.
This might be the worst conversation he’ll ever need to have, and Lawrence had given him loads and loads of unwanted dating advice over the years.

The couple didn’t even rush him.

Perry took a deep breath and raised his head. 

“So on Sunday, I was with… a person.” Perry cringed at the speed with which Linda turned her head.

“A person?” She asked incredulously.

“A man,” Perry amended.

Lawrence leaned back in his chair and rubbed at his chin, it seemed he was already catching onto the direction this conversation was going.

“And we were on the floor…” Perry paused for a moment, there was no ASL sign that seemed appropriate. “Wrestling.”

“Oh,” Linda said, and then a smile stretched her lips. “You don’t say?”

“And he might’ve choked me, a little bit.” Perry couldn’t keep eye contact. His face must be beat red, but then again, so was Lawrence’s, which was fair, he was the closest thing Perry had to a parent. Imagine sitting your parents down and admitting you got choked for pleasure. Which wasn’t the full truth, but the best explanation Perry could come up with.

“So, I’m not suffering from depression and I don’t want to die,” Perry concluded hastily.

“I’ll make a cup of tea,” Lawrence groaned and turned to the kettle. He wasn’t making eye contact, but honestly, Perry was grateful for that.

Linda on the other hand seemed to be enjoying this. “I’m glad there is an explanation for all this,” She started awkwardly. She had to restart her sentence several times. “But that sounds like a dangerous thing to do.”

“It was an accident that… escalated.”

Linda hid her expression behind her hand.

“Please don’t tell your friends,” Perry signed desperately. Every woman over thirty on the block was going to hear about this if he didn’t nip this in the bud now. “I don’t want to have to move out of the house.”

“I don’t know, Perry. You’d have your own floor to wrestle mysterious men on,” Linda joked with a sparkle in her eyes. 
Behind her, Lawrence dropped his mug and swore under his breath.

Perry dropped his head on the table with a thunk. Not a force in the world would be able to have him lift it again.

Lawrence agreed the conversation was wrapped up, because he opened the kitchen door and announced to the house that the conversation was over.

Candace arrived first, but Ferb brought Phineas in as well when tea time was announced.

“So,” Candace said with a serious expression as she sat herself down near Perry. She tried to learn anything from her uncle, but Perry was still pressing his face to the table, unable to cope with the direction his life had taken.

Linda hummed. “Perry explained, and it seems he just had a little accident.” Her tone was lighthearted.

“And I’m not allowed to hear the details of this accident?” Candace demanded.

“Nope,” Linda said happily as she collected the cookie tin from a high shelf. Everybody got a cookie, even Perry, but he didn’t respond so she just placed it beside his head.

Perry did reach for it, without moving his head, and held it tightly, for later.

“And what can I do to learn more?” Candace asked with a sugary voice.

“You’ll figure it out when you’re older,” Linda explained as she put the cookie tin away.

“Is this a sex thing?!” Candace demanded hysterically and slammed both hands on the table in shock. “Uncle Perry’s suicide attempt was a  sex thing ?!”

Perry felt her gaze burning a hole into the side of his head.

“No, Candace. There are more adult topics than just sex,” Linda explained, but she was lying a little.

Ferb hopped up on his chair and dunked his biscuit in his tea. “It’s called autoerotic asphyxiation,” He explained to Candace.

Within a second Perry had lifted his head to look incredulously at his twelve-year-old kid.

Linda gasped in horror “Ferb!”

Out in the living room, Lawrence crashed into something that fell, broke, and shattered loudly.

“What?” The boy asked calmly, “It’s how politician Stephen Milligan died in 1997.” He conveyed the fact as a normal thing to just know. But the incredulous looks got him a little defensive. “I’m just interested in British politics.”

Phineas was blissfully unaware of why everybody was upset.

Candace pulled out her phone, which was promptly snatched out of her hand by her mother. “I’m begging you not to google that term Candace.”

Perry took his cookie and got up. “bye,” He waved and wandered off to his bedroom where he planned to remain forever, or at least till dinner time.

Around an hour after he found refuge, Candace knocked on his door. “Do you really do that?” she asked through the wood. “I looked it up, and. Well, a lot of people die. So if you really do that, I think you should stop.”

Perry groaned, rubbed at his eyes, and opened his door. Candace is a sweet angel of a girl who only wants what’s best for people. And she did look genuinely troubled by the things she’d learned on the internet that day, but Perry wasn’t having this conversation with an anxiety-fueled fifteen-year-old.

“It was an A-C-C-I-D-E-N-T,” Perry spelled out dramatically.

Candace looked doubtful. “Okay. I trust you.” she nodded, more to herself than at Perry. “Sorry,”

Perry shook his head and pulled Candace in for a short hug. The girl cared a lot for him, even if she showed it in weird ways sometimes. Their hugs never lasted very long, but that didn't mean they were any less good.

“I’m okay. Really.” Perry reminded her as he stepped out of Candace's personal space bubble.

Candace nodded again.

“Stop googling that.”

“Gladly,” She agreed. 

***************

Dinner was not as awkward as Perry expected it to be, Lawrence insisted on talking about trains the entire time, which was a bit forced. But Perry was thankful for it, he couldn’t wait for this incident to be forgotten about. And also, he liked trains.

After dinner, Lawrence pulled Perry aside.

“This man,” He signed nervously, which he only did if he wanted a conversation to be truly private. Kids could hide in the weirdest places and overhear many things you didn’t want them to. So by standing close and signing they were truly hidden away.

Perry worked his jaw and waited for Lawrence to continue. 

“He’s not- He’s not just a stranger is he?” Perry had a strong feeling that Lawrence was going to ask that question differently first.

“He’s not,” Perry confirmed.

Lawrence nodded. “Good... Can we meet him?"

Perry Fletcher walked away.

Fin.