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Jordan's hair is in her face, knocked out of place and now stuck there from. The sweat on her brow- not responding as Jordan Flicks her head to toss it back.
Marie gets to it before Jordan has the chance to properly brush it back into place.
Marie moves slowly, as she so often seems to around Jordan- at least as she seems to now- now that they aren't fighting.
Now that it's not all blunt edges and force.
Now that Marie is delicate.
A careful hand reaches out to brush the stray hair behind Jordan's ear.
And then, rather than leave, the hand curls round, cupping Jordan's face.
Marie meets Jordan's gaze-
The intent is obvious.
And reciprocated.
They both lean forward, into it, into each other. Both wanting this,
and, moments before they meet, before they touch-
Jordan changes.
Jordan barely even thinks about it- it's like an involuntary response. An instinct.
A necessity
It's what they do when kissed by a pretty girl.
It's what they have always done.
It's easy.
It's safe.
It keeps them safe.
So, as Marie moves forward, the feminine takes a step back, and Jordan, the man, steps forward to receive his kiss.
Except then Marie does something unexpected.
Off-script.
She's good at that- good as surprising them.
She stops.
A breath away from him she stops, stills for a second, and then pulls back.
He fucked up- he must have fucked up- he doesn't know how though. He doesn't know what he did wrong-
Marie hesitates, glances to the side a little, no longer meeting his eye and all he can think is ' it's too much- I'm too much, I changed too late that time and she's realised- she's caught up to what I am and I've fucked it-'
Marie's voice cuts through his thoughts "You um-" Marie scrunches her face as though in a half grimace, "you know you don't have to do that every time."
"...what?"
"You don't have to… shift, every time we kiss."
Jordan stares- brain turning over the words as their meaning fails to compute- they should probably say something- they should probably respond- Marie is staring at them, they need to respond - they don't know what to say-
Marie speaks- Marie fills their panicked silence with her panicked words- she stumbles out a jittered- "I mean, unless you want to only kiss- it's not that I don't- I'm not saying I don't like kissing this version of you-" her voice rises at the end in a mild panic, trying to quickly backtrack and stumbling over her words "- no, I do! I do, of course I do,"
Marie waves her hands at Jordan, seemingly gesturing to all of them as she continues with-"look I love kissing this… you. So if that's what you want…" she trails off for a moment, giving them both space to take a breath before continuing, "I just… is that… what you want?"
Is that what you want?
I want you to be happy, Jordan thinks.
I want you to like me.
I want you to… want me.
And this has always been the easiest way to do that.
Marie is waiting for them to speak. Again.
He doesn't know what to say.
Jordan swallows, and searches for words he isn't sure he contains, a way to say-
I want you to want all of me.
Not because you know that's what I want but because-
Because it's your truth.
That's too much, to drop on Marie, he barely knows her- this is too much, too messy.
He is too messy.
Jordan takes a step back-a half step- enough to give him some air, give him the space to breathe- and as he does, Marie seems to flinch- to weaken, for a moment, for one brief flash- until she hardens.
Toughened back up.
The hard exterior is on- inside shutdown to them again.
Jordan feels the panic well up a bit at that- he hadn't meant to- they don't want to hurt her- he reaches out towards her- it is a quick, panicked movement.
A dart forward, hands reaching out-
Marie flinches back and he can’t blame her for that-
He freezes. Muscles locked, one hand half extended towards her,
He pulls in on himself, curls in, curls together- takes a breath- straightens up and tries ever so hard to get his head in order.
He tries to breathe, he tries not to panic, he tries to breathe- He tries not to think he’s just fucked everything up-
Marie is waiting for him to do something, to say something, to be someone-
He takes a breath, and manages, in a moment of desperate need, to stumble and spit out the words, “I- I'm sorry-”
It is Marie’s turn to jolt forward, taking a small, halfstep towards them, hand reaching out- the movements accompanied with a quick but quiet- “no, no-”
Marie stops herself before making contact, leaving the hand hovering for a moment as she says, “No, I shouldn’t have said anything-” Marie winces, and stutters out a- “look, I’m sorry, lets just forget I said anything, alright.”
Rather than pull back, the hand continues, forward. Slowly, carefully, coming to rest on Jordan’s arm as Marie says, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have… mentioned it, it’s not important.”
Jordan looks away, he takes another slow, purposeful breath, and when Jordan turns back to face Marie, it is with their other face.
Jordan steades herself, and says, “No, it is important.”
It’s important to them.
She looks at Marie.
Marie looks back.
Marie looks so open now- so willing to listen.
She could explain, she could try to explain, she could try to find the words- to say this is me, this is also me, both are me, I need you to know that, I need you to understand that-
But words are difficult,
And actions- well-
Jordan can feel Marie’s hand still resting on their arm. They can see the interest, the want, the desire in Marie’s face-
Jordan sucks in a short, cut off half breath, and leans forward.
She brings their mouths together-
She brings their mouths together and she doesn’t run.
She doesn’t switch out, doesn’t let her lips become his lips-
Marie meets her. Marie leans in and presses back.
Marie doesn’t pull back from her .
Marie doesn’t pull back and ask for him.
Marie lets them do this-
Marie pulls them in closer, a hand on the back of Jordan's neck, holding onto her, not pushing them away-the hand moves round, to rest against Jordan’s face-
It’s exactly what they wanted.
It’s exactly what they worried they would never be able to have.
Marie pulls back, the hand lingering- remaining cupping Jordan’s face for a moment, Marie’s gaze glances down to Jordan’s lips before returning to her eyes- gaze met Marie quietly admits- “I don’t care which face you use to kiss me.”
Marie lets go of Jordan’s face to rest a hand on her shoulder, before shifting to move in closer, moving the arm to Jordan’s back- standing ever so close- bodies touching again-
Marie glances down for a moment, pausing to lick her lips before she continues, saying, “And I also wouldn’t care…” The hand travels to Jordan’s lower back- holding their bodies together, “if you wanted to keep this face and… the rest of it-” - Marie swallows, leans in, and whispers into Jordan’s ear, “-when we do more than kiss.”
Jordan feels a shutter run up their spine at that, at the heat in Marie's gaze-
the honesty, for them, both sides of them-
It's all Jordan had ever wanted.